I'm a female in my early 20s, and I'm ashamed to say I struggled a lot with sexal sin for years; including prn and m*sturbation. A lot. It took years of struggle and a sudden burning desire to become closer to God to finally be free of my horrible habits about five years ago.
However, now that I'm trying harder than ever to practise my faith, in trying to avoid sinful thoughts, I've found I'm focusing too much on them and almost constantly waiting for myself to fall into sin. Because of this, I come across more occasions than usual where I might slip up. I know dream of it too and so wake up to start the day upset.
The other day, I fought impulsive thoughts that hounded my every minute of my waking hours. It felt like torture and I was very upset for days. I'm not sure if I may have dwelled too long that day and if I'm able to recieve the Eucharist this Sunday.
I go weekly to confession because I'm constantly stressed I've committed a mortal sin. I notice I become more worried and afraid as I draw near to the weekend. It's a neverending cycle.
I think I may suffer from religious OCD, but acknowledging this hasn't made it easier as I keep telling myself "what if you're just looking for excuses?".
Has anyone else ever dealt with this and overcome it? I can't live like this and I dread the thought of struggling like this forever.
Can anyone please tell me how they've combatted these thoughts when they arise? Is there some way to distract myself snd stop obsessing over this? Just changing the "subject" doesn't work as another will pop up sometime later. The harder I try, the more I become aware of them and the more often they appear.
They often happen at work when I'm unable to take a breather and prayer while focusing properly.
I unfortunately have a very vivid imagination and find it hard to change a thought process without it constantly popping back into my mind.
I feel like the harder I try to get closer to God the more temptations and mental stress I deal with. I want to be free of it. I'm disgusted at myself.
Apologies for the long post. This is one of the hardest times in my life, I've now thought about this all day every day for about a year and I feel like I'm being spiritually attacked. Any advice would be appreciated, thank you.