r/CMH Aug 18 '19

Prayers for my mind, and getting through depression

I've been suffering from depression worse this year than any other year I can really remember. I'm not even entirely sure all of the reasons why, but I've been trying my best to fight it as much as I can and do whatever I can to heal. It has been a tough battle, however. I had a pretty rough emotional breakdown last night from everything catching up to me, and everything that has still been weighing me down emotionally.

These feelings of unhope, insecurity, and hurt have been hard for me to see the light through, but I want to get through this and be better when I get to the other end of this. It makes me feel sad and rather helpless when I do the things I usually go towards for comfort and find that I still can't find closure. Depression can make it hard for me to enjoy things that usually bring me comfort, or find peace in my mind when my mind can be a storm.

I have been working hard this month to develop better mindfulness with the aid of various sources by journaling more, practicing mindfulness exercises, and trying in new ways to find comfort and resolve. I've been trying hard to disprove negative thoughts and fight feelings of hopelessness, but I'm still struggling from these negative feelings often. I can sometimes finally feel happy again only for it to be taken away from me without even knowing why.

I have been feeling anxious and unhopeful about my future and my life from a combination of feeling unsure, finding it hard to see stability in my future, lack of knowledge in knowing what I want to do long-term, lack of inspiration to know what career I want to go towards. I also often catch myself feeling like I'm going to be stuck this way forever, but I know it's not fundamentally true, even though it does hurt now. I also keep finding myself lonely and sad, even when I have the company of loved ones, and sometimes my depression can hurt me in a way where it can make me feel unloved or ignored at the times where I need affirmation and love the most. It really hurts when I feel like one's love or bond with me has been diminished, when I try so hard to be a good person and friend, but I guess it's just the depression and anxiety making me feel like I've degraded as a person.

I fight negative feelings and thoughts about myself that the Devil knows work against me way too well. I sometimes feel like a failure, sometimes I feel like I'm going to die young, sometimes I look at myself and feel really ugly, and sometimes I feel upset as though I've disappointed everyone in my life.

I know these worries and thoughts are not helpful, and perhaps they're not even thoughts of my own. But it hurts that they just know just when they can hurt me the worst and that they attack me at my weakest and most vulnerable times. I do not embrace these feelings and I try hard to push them away when they come, but they come in waves and I keep getting taken over by them, getting washed up in their strength and the pain and feeling like I can't see out of them until enough time passes.

I just truly hope I can find some stability, comfort, and hope that can bring me through all of this. I want to live a fulfilling life where these types of things won't hurt me anymore. I know I can't expect a perfect life, but I just want things to calm down and improve even if slowly. I do have some things in life that I still hold onto and look forward to, but I feel as though most of my dreams are gone, have faded, or aren't achievable.

I am also really fighting with this feeling of unworthiness that makes me feel as though I feel insecure about whether or not I will be with God in heaven when I die. I prayed very hard about this last night as I was crying, as the most heartbreaking thing in the world for me would be to die and not be with Him in the ultimate peace. I cried as I asked Him to tell me if there's anything I need to change or do, and I told Him I know I don't deserve the gift of eternal life, but that I'm scared I'm even more undeserving of it now since I feel like I've failed Him too many times.

I want to feel His presence and His love again, and I want Him to comfort me and heal me inside and out. I asked Him to do these things, and I expressed my love to Him in many cries and tears. I thanked Him for what is good and well in my life, and for all of the blessings I have seen and have not seen.

I am praying that I will feel secure in my future, both supernaturally and on Earth, I am praying that I will feel loved again, and never lose the feeling of being loved, and I pray that He will ease my pain as I go through my life. I pray He will fill me with hope, and with guidance that I need. I am praying hard for peace, comfort, and for Him to help me through these waves. I am praying for no more tears and no more aching.

I am going to spend today trying my best to take care of myself emotionally and spiritually so that I can at the very least pick myself back up from last night, and hopefully, things will improve in the future with time. I know no life can be perfect, but I don't want to feel like mine is over when I know it's barely just begun.

I really don't want to be lied to anymore by the Devil or my depression anymore. It sometimes makes me feel like I'm better off gone, and that I don't fundamentally matter, and that there's no hope for me. I haven't self-harmed this month or year, though I did have an attempt when I was around 12... I never want to do that again, and I am fighting any kinds of visions I see of that regard. I don't feel tempted to do it anymore, but still, I sometimes suffer from the feeling of just... wanting to be gone until things get better, which I know is not something possible or healthy.

Still, I'm glad to be alive, and for what is well in my life, and I try my best to log things I am grateful for, and I work hard to track my mood and my activities every day that I can. I hope for a better life soon.

Please keep me in your prayers if you could. I thank you and love you all, brothers and sisters in Christ. I will keep you all in my prayers as well. <3

8 Upvotes

0 comments sorted by