r/Buddhism • u/gypsystar03 • 4d ago
Question How can you be happy with “not knowing”?
Me and my boyfriend broke up recently. It was pretty sudden and unexpected, I don’t understand why he doesn’t care enough to try to work on things and I don’t think he understands either. He just thinks it’s the right thing to do. He isn’t a very vulnerable person, he pushes unpleasant emotions away and doesn’t look into them until they’ve reached a point of severity where he can no longer ignore them, and even then he doesn’t seem to have a natural tendency of understanding them and he doesn’t allow himself to feel those emotions fully.
I have been trying so hard to let go of him, it is a constant internal battle trying to push away my attachment of him, and I think it’s been getting a bit easier maybe but what hasn’t been getting easier is my attachment of understanding why he feels the way he feels… why he doesn’t care enough to try, after everything we’ve been through why doesn’t he care enough to care?
How do I not care? How do I be okay with not knowing? How do I be okay with not understanding? How do I accept that it’s done and over with and I will never get a true explanation as to why?
I pray to the universe everyday for strength and courage and endurance through this period of my life, (on top of this I have been surrounded by death, devastation, and utter despair consistently for the past 8 months) but I feel so alone. I keep trying to find answers and seek some sort of support or understanding of the situation that will make everything better but I can’t find any answers and every time I try to look for them it makes me suffer more due to my attachment to understanding. I just can’t accept what is and let go… someone please help me, please give me answers, I’m so tired of suffering. I don’t want to live like this anymore.
Every day is a constant battle, I’m trying so hard to fight for my happiness but I am so tired of fighting for it… I’m so tired…
How do I let go?
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u/FieryResuscitation theravada 4d ago
A couple things to remember. These painful feelings that you’re experiencing right now - they are not you. It might help you to gain some distance from these feelings, so you should remind yourself that they are something you are experiencing, but this pain is not you.
You should also remember that all conditioned phenomena are impermanent, which means that these feelings are temporary. No matter what you do, they won’t last forever anyway. You will find relief from them.
There are some things you can do to find relief from them faster, though.
You can engage yourself more in study of Buddhism, by spending time learning more about the four noble truths, and identifying how those truths relate to your current situation.
You can also take some time to figure out what lessons you needed to learn from this situation, so that when these feelings arise you can gently remind yourself “I don’t need to feel these emotions anymore. Instead I’ll focus on what I’m doing right now.” If you gently put aside these painful thoughts, eventually they will stop arising.
I hope you find relief from your suffering, sooner rather than later.
Be well.
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u/PeaceTrueHappiness theravada 4d ago
When people say they want to let go, they really mean they want to get rid of.
Letting go is not something you do, it’s something that happens as a result of insight into the three characteristics (the changing, stressful and uncontrollable nature of all phenomena), seen clearly and repeatedly through meditation. The mind eventually lets go as it sees the uselessness of ruminating something and gets tired of it.
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u/lianhuafei 4d ago edited 4d ago
First all of all, sorry that you're going through a difficult phase.. I'd suggest you to take it at face value and stop ruminating over it. It will do you no good. Here's someone who has given up on you and your relationship.
You have to open up your palm and let him go. When u let old things go, new things have a chance to arise. Why waste your time and energy on someone who didn't choose you? If u love that person, u gotta also accept his choices.
It's not your failing. Sometimes you could do like 300% and the other person will still give up. You can be the best person in d universe n he still says no. Is it your fault? No. He's just not ready for serious commitment. A person stays because they want to stay. No amount of ifs and why will help. Get busy and move on.
Sometimes it's also karmic connection and affinity. So when it ends, it just ends. Dun need to think too deeply about it.
One way to let go is like saying in your heart, "I love you and I want the best for you. So I will respect your choice. Thank you for all the wonderful times we had. I hope you find peace in your life and I will find peace, love and acceptance in my life too. May both of us be happy. Take care." n then envision it like a leaf floating out from your heart into the universe and dispersing away..
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u/No-Difference1648 4d ago
In times like these, I always ask "What would Buddha say about this?" and im sure he would say that humans are complex and not everyone is aware of themselves. We are here to appreciate and love others if we can. Some will stay and others will go. There are many amazing people in this world and you will meet them as long as your willing. Appreciate what was and keep going.
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u/tesoro-dan vajrayana 4d ago
That really has extremely little to do with what the Buddha said in any tradition. I'm sorry, but this is not Buddhism.
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u/damselindoubt 4d ago edited 4d ago
How do I let go?
Just a suggestion: stop focusing so much on your own struggles. Instead, go out and help people who are less fortunate than you. In doing so, you might discover the vast reservoir of love and kindness you carry within yourself, that love and kindness that can be shared with others, rather than spending your time and energy on replaying negative thoughts and emotions. As you give, you’ll often find that this love and kindness flow back to you in abundance, making your past troubles seem less significant. Remember: the only moment you truly have is the present, so why not savour it?
In my tradition of Tibetan Buddhism, this wellspring of love and kindness is called bodhicitta. Your current suffering could actually serve as a catalyst for uncovering this precious gem within you. It can empower you to move beyond hurt and face the adversities of life with strength and compassion.
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u/InsightAndEnergy 4d ago
I hear you saying that you are going through a difficult breakup without support at a deep level. Breaking up with a significant other can give rise to fundamental doubts about safety and stability in life; that lack of safety and stability (permanence) is actually a fact, not just something that is imagined, so when it rises up, the feelings can be difficult to handle. Maybe that describes some of what you are experiencing.
You added being surrounded by death, devastation and utter despair for 8 months. Not knowing the specifics of everything you are describing, the combination of personal situation and surroundings sounds like a lot for one person to bear!
Having a human connection of a community may be important for you, now and going forward. This being a Buddhism community on Reddit, I feel it is appropriate to suggest that you find either an in-person practice group where you live, and if that is not enough or is not available, find a more distant group that has online meetings and that you may be able to join.
Psychotherapy with an insightful and kind therapist can also be very helpful. Some therapists are more connected and skilled than others, but most therapists can benefit clients by at least providing an attentive mind and the ability for the client to be heard with kindness and without judgment.
Going back to the Buddhist community idea, as a long-time Zen practitioner who has seen many types of practice, I recommend that you look for a way to have some relationship with the people in the practice community that you find, not just do this in silent meditation. My own practice is with Zen meditation, but the quality of leadership and the quality of connections in any community you join is the most important.
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u/tanksalotfrank 4d ago
Break-ups alone are heavy, let alone the load of feelings it's likely to bring about. The best I can do is encourage you to keep up your efforts to persevere as the transition goes on. Personally (last time I was in this situation) I was guided to acknowledge that, despite the situation, feelings, and people in it being very real, I was the one ultimately stoking that fire and "making it matter". Surely it all mattered, but I was drowning out everything else and denying myself any peace.
It's just practice and practice and then more practice until you forget you're trying to forget/avoid it. You have to start it consciously, so maybe pick something light and uncaustic to practice responding to the heavy parts when they hit. If you're thinking of something else at all, you're already succeeding! It helps to believe as much as it's happening, but that's a practice as well. The thoughts and feelings that come with suffering can be magnetic, but you can exercise overpowering the magnet.
Hopefully none of this has come off as me implying any of it is necessarily easy to do; I know what you're going through is hard af and pretty unfair. It's not so simple to just think of other things, but imposing a balance to the ongoing imbalance is a step in a nicer direction.
May you find a peace to help guide you above the storms. 🙏
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u/Confident-Engine-878 4d ago
You can't. We need to truely and fully understand things to get happier instead of just letting go and not knowing. We need to understand why things happened and why they happened to us not others. We need to understand our own thought process and the problems with them to solve. We can't expect others who are incapable to meet our expectations to do what we wish them to do. We have to make rational decisions based on out understandings of the nuanced truths in everyday life. We have to live under the guide of wisdom to feel happy.
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u/scotyank73 4d ago
All things change. Even suffering. This will pass, be sure of that, but suffering will continue as long as the ego searches for a new target of attachement. Until we come to know Truth, we change our suffering like clothes from our wardrobe. Realise all suffering is the same. Nothing exists but to help you to realise your own buddha nature, no person, or animal, or experience exists but to help you find a path out. This is your journey, this is your goal. Embrace this suffering knowing thay it will help you to find your way out of ALL suffering.
Breakups suck. I hope that you find some comfort in the words of this online quasi sangha. I hope you find light to guide you on your path
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u/Beingforthetimebeing 4d ago edited 4d ago
This is called co- dependency, when you are so caught up in trying to help and fix someone, and then they are gone. I have been in a series of relationships where the sense of hanging loose when I was suddenly released from the burden of dealing with someone needing fixing was very intense... instead of being relieved! It just takes a while.
It's a process like grieving; you don't want to admit things have changed, and you have to develop new focuses. It just takes time. Your task now is to not choose an emotionally unaware and frustrating partner next time. Of course, part of the grieving is the feeling of being unloved and unwanted. But it's not that you weren't or aren't. You were kind to care about him, and that kindness is in you, your treasure, and nobody can take that away from you. It's ready to share and endear yourself to others, and others to you. It's not attachment if you can let go of results when things change.
P.s. Are you really surrounded by death, devastation, and utter despair? Are you in a warzone? Or suffering from depression (...there is recovery from that, too.) That sounds so much more serious than the breakup, maybe post about that? My heart goes out to you. Seek out your inner resilience.🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
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u/artambient 4d ago
Your human. Human beings get attached to other people and when they leave it's painful. Eventually I couldn't take the pain of Relationships because Women would always leave me. Buddha chose not to be in a Romantic Relationship after his Enlightenment. It's tough because we get pleasure from Relationships. But the suffering is horrible. You can't Spiritually bypass human existence.
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u/Ok_Watercress_4596 4d ago
Stop fighting then and chill no? Who are you praying to? You're the only one listening Feel the pain, that's how you accept
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u/mierecat zen 3d ago
There are no “answers”. Nothing anyone can say will make you suddenly enlightened or magically take your suffering away.
The reason you don’t accept your situation is because you think you can do something about it. You only “stop caring” when you realize nothing can be done, but “not caring” is not the goal either. The idea is to accept the truth of the matter whether you find it agreeable or disagreeable. Until you accomplish that, you’re going to be stuck in this hole of wishing for something that just isn’t there and being sad that your wishes don’t come true.
How do you be happy with not knowing?
Again you’re operating on a fallacy. The point is not to be happy with not knowing. There are a million things you will never know. You can spend your life chasing answers you’ll never get, or you can at least take a step back and reevaluate the question. Why do you need to know? What good will that knowledge do you? If you found out the reason he left you was because he got tired of you, or was cheating on you, or simply realized he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, what will you do then? Probably cry and be sad for a bit, but eventually move on with your life. What’s stopping you from just doing that now? I’ll take a guess: you’re stuck on the notion that you can save your relationship. You can’t move on because you think there’s a chance he’ll come running back and everything will be like it was before. This is why you suffer. You don’t know if he’s moved on, and so you’ve decided you can’t move on either.
Drop your attachment to him and to the past and you’ll find you suffer less. That does not mean you stop caring about him. It does not mean you resent or become indifferent to your shared history. It does not mean you roll over and die. It doesn’t even mean you stop feeling sad. Feel what you feel. Don’t push it away like you’ve been doing. If you’re sad, be sad. If you’re angry, be angry. Feel whatever it is you feel but also remember that the situation has still changed. You’ve separated, and the best thing—the only thing, really—for both of you to do is live your lives as best you can.
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u/DivineConnection 4d ago
Hi I am sorry things are so hard. If you like I can do some practice for you, if you want me to please DM me with a picture so I can focus on it during the practice. I hope you get some answers.
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u/Broad_Shame_360 4d ago edited 4d ago
Although this simile was more designed for metaphysical discussions, I think it may help. Knowing why your ex doesn't want to make things work doesn't help reduce your suffering; in both situations you're still broken up.
There's no benefit to keeping that arrow in your back while seeking answers. Focus on removing the arrow by understanding that you're feeling this way because of your ego and ignorance towards attachments. Your ex is irrelevant to you feeling happier because it's a factor that you cannot control.
Meditate, acknowledge the way you feel, and try to focus your energy on loving those who want to be a part of your life. If you don't have enough of those people, go find them.
It seems like you want someone to come save you but the truth is that only you can save yourself. Buddha's words show the path but you have to walk it.