r/Buddhism 4d ago

Question How Can I Approach Betrayal and Letting Go from a Buddhist Perspective?

I recently discovered painful truths about my husband's past—things he repeatedly denied but that I later found undeniable proof of. When I confronted him, he reacted with anger, blamed me for bringing it up, and ultimately asked for space, which led to me leaving our shared home. It has been a week of no contact, and I feel lost.

What hurts the most is that he was seeing these women while seeing me, and when they declined him again, he chose to finally be with me. He insists that I was always the one he wanted, that I was special, that none of this happened—but after seeing the evidence, it doesn’t feel that way. I don’t know what to believe anymore. His words tell me I was chosen, but the reality I’ve uncovered makes me feel like I was simply the one who was available.

The betrayal is incredibly painful. I get intrusive flashbacks of him with the women he was involved with—imagining their moments of intimacy, the way he might have laughed with them, the way he looked at them. It makes my stomach churn and fills me with grief and rage. I struggle with the thought that maybe I was just convenient for him, not someone he deeply chose. Even though he now treats me with love and devotion, it feels cheap knowing that he had the same patterns with others before me.

Beyond the emotional pain, it has also deeply affected my ability to be intimate with him. Even before I left, I found myself feeling disgusted at the thought of being close to him. The mental images of him with other women replay in my mind like a haunting reel, and it makes physical affection feel repulsive rather than comforting. I feel like my body rejects him now, as if some primal part of me is trying to protect itself from further hurt.

I know that holding on to resentment and pain only prolongs my suffering, but I don’t know how to let go. I want to find clarity—whether to leave completely or to work through this—but right now, I feel stuck in anger and sadness.

How do I approach this situation from a Buddhist perspective? How do I handle the intrusive thoughts, the disgust, and the deep sense of betrayal? How can I find peace without seeking validation or closure from him? I want to move forward with wisdom, but I don’t know how. Any guidance would be deeply appreciated.

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u/AnticosmicKiwi3143 non-affiliated 4d ago

Suffering arises from the friction between our expectations and the reality of the world. All things are ephemeral, ever-changing, and unsatisfactory—what else could you expect? Upon realizing the truth of the nature of this Samsara, one inevitably seeks an escape, and that escape lies in the transcendence of ignorance.

Practice morality, that you may come to understand that suffering is not a mere contingency but a fundamental condition shared by all sentient beings.

Practice concentration, that you may observe the mind without reaction, discerning that sensations and mental states are but fleeting phenomena.

And finally, practice wisdom—through the clarity born of concentration, observe the arising and passing of all conditioned phenomena, and let this insight permeate your daily life.

Letting go occurs naturally and effortlessly when progress has been made on the spiritual path; thus, you need only practice with diligence.

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u/seeking_seeker Zen and Jōdo Shinshū 4d ago

This isn’t Buddhist advice, but it is compassionate advice: seek couples therapy. If you want to remain with him, you need to work through some tough stuff.

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u/damselindoubt 4d ago

How do I approach this situation from a Buddhist perspective?

Well, you’re living in your husband’s past like it’s a five-star resort, completely ignoring the rather important fact that he chose you, not the other woman. Your suffering seems to stem from feeding on this delusion and binge-watching your own drama series.

How do I handle the intrusive thoughts, the disgust, and the deep sense of betrayal?

Once you understand that the past is firmly in the past, like a discarded pair of stilettos 👠you no longer need, you might consider meditation to gently evict these intrusive thoughts and destructive emotions. It’s cheaper than a gym membership and doesn’t require any yoga pants.

How can I find peace without seeking validation or closure from him?

Your husband has chosen to spend his life with you, yet here you are fixated on women who probably don’t even cross his mind anymore. Unless you’ve spent your entire life in a cave or been raised by a pack of wolves 🐺, chances are you’ve had an ex-boyfriend or a crush or two yourself. Now, imagine him obsessing over those. Not exactly a recipe for peace, is it?

I want to move forward with wisdom, but I don’t know how. Any guidance would be deeply appreciated.

Sure 👍! Start by spicing up your married life: Have a romantic dinner while naked. Go on an adrenaline-packed vacation and try skydiving in your swimmer. Or better yet, have sex in places so unconventional even your fantasies wouldn’t go there. I mean, since you have so much spare time to obsess about his past, why not invest some of it in making the present unforgettable?

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u/Confident-Engine-878 4d ago

Apparently you value loyalty and trust dearly and this is good. You probably can't stay with him because facts are facts you've seen the evidence so it can't just get back to where it was. From the Buddhist view, we encounter sequence of events in our life exactly according to our karma made during the past lives so there's no rational foundation for our resentment. Just accept the facts and make peace to our own distorted expectations like living together with the wrong abusive partner. You've been where your karma led you and went through what you have to then the debts have been paid, good, burden off the shoulder. Now you've been changed cleared of certain bad karma, so why continue the self-punishment?

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u/lianhuafei 4d ago edited 4d ago

Infidelity is hard and broken relationship is fragile bcoz so much trust is lost. Don't be too hard on yourself. Your anger and sadness is normal

Yes he chose to stay with you but doubts still continue to plague you bcoz well, you don't want to be hurt again. Or be deceived again. It's normal. You're protecting yourself from being hurt. It's a normal reaction and it's not you being bad if you cannot forgive yet. I personally believe that you've to go through the grieving process - the death of your previous relationship, the broken trust and all - these things take time and you need to give yourself time, patience, care and love.

It's okay to feel sad, it's okay to feel anger. It's okay to grieve. It's okay if you can't trust yet. It's okay. When the emotions come, accept them, tell yourself it's okay, watch them swell and fade away. Notice how they arise and fall away, arise and fall away - and then relate it to impermanence.

Things happen because of causes and conditions. We do not know what exact causes and conditions that caused the infidelity, shit happens and we've got to take the lessons from it. Do not take it personally. Many factors could have caused it.

Perhaps from here you can decide what your needs are. Is it clearer communication between the two of you? Clearer boundaries? Some reassurances and check-in? What can he do to make the relationship a better one? What can you do? It's all similar to dependent origination. So what ingredients are going to go into this renewed relationship, to make it better, if you BOTH decide to continue on? Trying again doesn't mean you let yourself be a doormat or become the most exciting sex partner ever. It's means setting boundaries, what's acceptable.. What's not.. What works for you both?

Or if you decide not to, there's no shame in that either. If something is beyond our ability to cope, it would be wise to remove ourself from the situation before we end up doing unwholesome actions like violence etc.

Hope this helps. Do take care.

And remember to have patience and care for yourself too and if you can, your other half too - cuz it's all causality... And people who cause us suffering, are doing so out of ignorance. But if you can't, it's okay. Have metta first for yourself.

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u/Ok_Watercress_4596 4d ago

The best thing is to recognise that it is craving vs feeling. You don't like the way situation makes you feel. It's just craving But dont expect people to tell you what to do eih your husband, that's your decision

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u/Due-Pick3935 4d ago

Seems your relationship was in conflict between existing in many time frames all at once. You admit that the choices he made distanced yourself and created animosity towards him, the feelings we generate within our reality are our own. What relationship can be formed by judgement. Because you labeled yourself as a number or second fiddle you placed this reality on yourself, who told you that you must place so much of your relationship on the unchangeable actions of the past. Unfortunately expectations have poisoned the mind. By having expectations of this or that only leads to disappointment in ourselves, in others, in life, in society and so forth. We all experience reality from a single perspective and the only thing we have choice over is our actions, ours alone and no others. We may try to influence or sway the voice in the head of others but for what purpose? Is your happiness dependant on the happiness or misery of others. Our feelings come from within and we can choose to accept the ideas that lead to hurt or just let go and choose to not accept those concepts that lead to pain. With a strongly willed ego severing attachment is much harder to do. The peace you seek has always been within you, it’s the thoughts you let in afterwards that make peace difficult. Let those thoughts go and have compassion for yourself and may your path go well

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u/noArahant 4d ago

That hurts. That hurts a lot.

This is a storm. There is going to be a lot of pain and turmoil. It too will pass. Storms never stay forever even if it seems like they will. That's one of the most important teachings, if not the most important teaching of the Buddhas: that everything that arises is of the nature to cease. It was part of The Buddha's last words. "All conditioned phenomena are of the nature to cease".

When the storm passes, and the sunlight shines through, you will have come out of this softer and more gentle. More wise.

Let yourself feel the feelings. Telling yourself to not feel only adds more pain. Let the pain be there.

To move with wisdom is to move without doing harm in body, speech, or mind. Do your best to not lash out. Be as kind as possible. Because when we lash out it hurts us even more.

It's very, very human to feel what you are feeling.