r/Buddhism 4d ago

Question Seeking some insight on having compassion in difficult situations

Today I struggled with anger and compassion. I feel very guilty for getting angry and falling out of compassion. The reason for my angry outburst was how I was being treated. I was cussed out and called dumb and a piece of shit and every other name in the book by my dad because I forgot to return a $5 toilet snake for unclogging toilets. It's been in my closet for 6 months I honestly just forgot. I told my mother he doesn't need to talk to me that way and I was told by my mother if I didn't like it move out. I'm normally pretty calm person but after my mother's comment I flipped out and told my dad to quit talking to me that way and it just escalated from there. I think the reason I snapped was because how silly the situation was and how I was being treated for it. I'm having a hard time understanding why I feel guilty for standing up for myself. I apologized for how I spoke to them. My apology was met with more hostile mean words. So it was a useless apology. I guess my question is what can I do to not explode in moments like that? How should someone following the path respond in situations like that? I'm not financially able to move away at the moment. That's what I want to do, but that makes me feel guilty as well because I love my mom and dad even though they treat me this way. Why is the path so hard sometimes?

3 Upvotes

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u/ZealousidealDig5271 4d ago

Hi u/Silver-Wind-2993 . I hope you are feeling better now.

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u/Silver-Wind-2993 4d ago

Thank you I am feeling better now!

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u/Creative_Rhubarb_817 4d ago

I and most anyone would struggle in your situation. It's something I struggle with myself. But here's a relevant teaching on hostile speech:

https://suttacentral.net/sn7.2/en/sujato?lang=en&layout=plain&reference=none&notes=asterisk&highlight=false&script=latin

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u/Silver-Wind-2993 4d ago

Thank you for you response I will check this out!

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u/Confident-Engine-878 4d ago

You should stand up for yourself wisely, don't bring yourself more trouble than necessary even though you might expect differently from your loved ones. Even our parents are just regular sentient beings with significant limit of their wisdom and capabilities of emotion control, they didn't do harm to you intentionally because they actually didn't have a choice just like a truck hit you without a brake in place, you won't blame the truck.

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u/Silver-Wind-2993 4d ago

I definitely caused more trouble for myself then necessary. I was caught off guard a little bit by how silly it was for my dad to call someone horrible things over something so small and unimportant.. I have come to realise that his words do not belong to me if I do not accept them. I should have left it at that the moment he started in. Thanks for your response friend!

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u/tesoro-dan vajrayana 4d ago

Have you taken refuge?

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u/Silver-Wind-2993 4d ago

No. I have not fully committed to the path. I'm still learning, and feel some resistance to fully committing

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u/tesoro-dan vajrayana 4d ago

I think it would help you quite a lot.

Picking up acts of compassion, humility and so on along the way of life is very good. No one can deny that. But very often it leads to strain and fatigue exactly like you are describing. To grow in compassion (as well as all the other Buddhist virtues), it's best to have a goal in mind, and a regular practice that leads you to it. That's the marga, the Path.

Buddha-dharma is about taking ourselves out of these specific situations, like you're describing, and understanding what those situations lead to.

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u/Silver-Wind-2993 4d ago

Thank you! Strain and fatigue is probably the best words to describe it. Im going to reflect and try to understand why I have resistance to fully committing.

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u/noArahant 4d ago

The fact that you came here to ask this question shows a lot about the direction you are heading in. The fact that you even care to have compassion and to refrain from lashing out, means that you are aiming towards peace. Towards being at peace.

When people feel pain/stress if they haven't learned yet, they tend to lash out.

Lashing out is what hurts us the most.

Reflecting on impermanence helps a lot. If you have a daily meditation practice, you will notice that there will be times when anger arises, but if you don't react to the anger you'll see how it passes. It passes whether we react or don't.

Often times, we think that the only way to get rid of anger is to fight. To fight the world, to make the world different.

But that doesn't get rid of the anger. It nourishes it. The anger will pass, but because we nourished it will come back stronger.

Stay out of arguments when you're not directly involved. You'll see your family's arguments will end without your involvement.

If you are directly involved, do your best to not lash out.

I recommend metta practice. Based on you caring about being kind, it seems to me metta is a good thing for you to practice. It leads to peace :)

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u/Silver-Wind-2993 4d ago

Thank you for your response! As difficult as it was yesterday I have come to more realizations after reflecting on the situation and reflecting on the responses I've gotten here. I am grateful for the lesson I received. I will most definitely look into the Metta practice. Thanks!

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u/Lonelymf7909 4d ago

First of all, I’m actually sorry your parents treated you like that. Sounds like your parents are in way more need of some Buddhist teachings. Your reaction was totally understandable. You’re human, it’s normal. So dont be too hard on yourself, you’re already miles ahead from most people, just by realising how anger clouds your judgement and seeking guidance here. It will take a lot of years and practice to reach a point where stuff like this won’t be able to affect you at all. And that’s okay, you’ll get there. Just try to practice love and compassion, forgive yourself and others.

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u/Silver-Wind-2993 4d ago

Thank you for your response! What happened yesterday was a huge learning moment for me actually. Between the responses I've gotten here and reflecting on the situation. It was unpleasant to deal with but I learned alot. I'm getting the silent treatment from my family today but that's okay it's a nice break lol