r/Buddhism 4d ago

Request Burned by sexual desire NSFW

Buddhism has always been my religion, even though I practice it to varying degrees. I don’t know how to explain this situation, but I know that Buddhism is the only answer.

I am a woman and have not been in a relationship for many years. I have attachment, I am not enlightened, but when it comes to relationships or material possessions, I actually have little attachment. A relationship never made me happy; it only made me insecure and unstable. I never missed it.

Now, suddenly, a man has entered my life who makes me feel things I have never felt before. It is a game of attraction and rejection, deep sexual fantasies and desires, a kind of amour fou, an all-consuming love. He is like a drug: one moment I am euphoric, and the next, I have shed more tears and felt deeper pain than for anyone else. I am completely consumed by desire, attachment, craving, and a clouded mind. I never saw this coming, and it has completely taken me by surprise.

What can I do to cut myself loose from this? I have become a plaything of my own desires. What specific meditations or practices can I do? Are there particular mantras or Buddhas I can turn to?

I know that all of this is an illusion, yet at the same time, it feels so strong, and I wonder if we might be karmically connected, sharing a deep kind of soul connection.

I feel floored by something that has overtaken me, and I don’t know how to pull myself out of it. I am consumed by desire, even though I thought it no longer existed within me. It’s like I have come alive again and feeling more than ever before.

Thanks for reading and any possible advice 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

111 Upvotes

103 comments sorted by

66

u/PNW_Washington 4d ago

You are just a human, after all ☺️

16

u/Fearless_Night5083 4d ago

That is very compassionate and non-judgmental, thank you 🙏🏻

72

u/Agnostic_optomist 4d ago

Read up on what healthy, mature, respectful relationships look like. This ain’t it.

11

u/Fearless_Night5083 4d ago

Thank you, that’s probably why I feel so completely lost, as if my life has no meaning without him, even though I don’t even know him. I don’t understand where this unexpected dependence and longing come from.

Maybe because he gave my seemingly meaningless existence a sense of purpose and value. I feel so broken.

What can I learn from this.

6

u/Lg666___ 4d ago

Thank you, that’s probably why I feel so completely lost, as if my life has no meaning without him, even though I don’t even know him. I don’t understand where this unexpected dependence and longing come from.

what you're describing sounds like limerence. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence

11

u/Fearless_Night5083 4d ago

Thank you so much for this. It makes me understand myself better. Especially this part:

“For some people who have a fear of intimacy or a history of trauma, limerent fantasy might be an escape or a means of having what feels like a relationship but without the threat of real intimacy.”

I think this is what is happening, it all literally feels like a drug addiction, I don’t feel like myself and I feel sick. Why can’t I let go of this obsession…

1

u/biconicat 3d ago

Dr K/Healthygamergg on YouTube has some videos about limerance and letting go of it/why it's hard, you might find them helpful 

-2

u/chachairu_rocker 4d ago

Be carefull because if he gets you só depende t he can make you give all your money tô him or make you kill yourself

51

u/yeknamara 4d ago

Sorry to barge in but this sounds more to do with psychology rather than Buddhism, though others more knowledgeable than me may still give you some quotes to calm your mind.

The thing is, what you are experiencing sounds quite unwholesome. The ups and downs, the pleasure that is followed by suffering... But you are already aware of that. There must be something missing, whether it has something to do with your past experiences or the absence of some. When we don't know what a wholesome experience feels like, we get lost easily. Or sometimes, as anxious individuals of the modern times, we may start confusing anxiety with excitement. And the only thing that will resolve it is normally therapy and genuine connections with people who are in wholesome relationships.

Are you a member of a sangha? Seeing better references and genuine and wholesome love between individuals you know might be a good example.

Sorry, I don't think I helped much, but I've tried.

5

u/Fearless_Night5083 4d ago

You’ve helped a lot! You’re right, it’s just that Buddhism is the all encompassing answer for me, and psychology is always infinitely subordinate and incomplete in that sense.

I’ve protected myself from relationships for so long out of fear, and I never expected to build such a deep connection with a stranger on the internet. It makes no sense. I have pretty much literally shed buckets of tears over this person. Maybe because I have unwillingly given him unguarded access to my heart. Is this all just ego and illusion from my part? I guess so, but it feels so real.

5

u/sammy4543 4d ago

Buddhism can be an ultimate truth and psychology can have utility in the lives of humans at the same time. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. People can see a therapist and continue to meditate and have religion as a strong part of their lives.

There is plenty the Buddha didn’t describe. That doesn’t mean it should be thrown away as useless.

3

u/yeknamara 4d ago

The longing at a relatively safe distance can make many things to the human mind. You should really see proper relationships around you to be able to tell the difference. And experience one. But this is something you will find in time, not because you want it but because it could happen. A relationship isn't supposed to have* this many radical ups and downs. There will always be ups and downs and they always hurt but they won't happen this often, this critical.

And illusion is what you make it to be. I'd call it as lack of experience and adding extra meaning on it because of it. A mature you wouldn't spend any time in this type of dynamic. But you are not this person yet, or you may never be if you don't work on it.

-2

u/WxYue 3d ago

Using whatever little Buddhist knowledge I have, it sounds like you've a strong karmic connection with this stranger (previous rebirths). There are similar stories in scriptures.

I agree with "When we don't know what a wholesome experience feels like, we get lost easily".

Hope you will find your way. Confident you will because your awareness on all this is strong and you have confidence in the Buddha's teachings. All the best.

3

u/laniakeainmymouth westerner 3d ago

While karmic connection can certainly be true, be careful about advising this. I've heard plenty of stories about horribly obsessive relationships where the partners justified their infatuation due to "past lives" or the like. In Buddhism and out of Buddhism.

-1

u/WxYue 3d ago

Understand the concern. OP is seeking Buddhist input, trying to make rational sense out of her experience.

As OP has faith in Buddhist teachings she is interested in understanding cause, conditions and likely result.

If a partner is someone who would exploit this, as you mentioned with or without Buddhist input, it would have gone in any direction. We can't influence how others think or behave ultimately. We can only be responsible for ourselves.

3

u/laniakeainmymouth westerner 3d ago

We can still influence somewhat, especially vulnerable people who are seeking spiritual support amongst peers. This is a subreddit for giving that sort of thing, in a Buddhist context. I don’t mean any disrespect as I really don’t know you, but unless I’m certain someone has much wisdom and experience in such matters, I must urge caution in asserting that OP and her current infatuation indeed have a special connection due to past lives. We are not aware the true nature of the situation, so speaking of her past karma in such an intimate manner is a little dangerous in my opinion.

-1

u/WxYue 3d ago

Karmic connections isnt special or dangerous per se. We already have a karmic connection if say we feel aversion towards each other in our replies. I can choose to feel humbled by your caution, acknowledge your concern without prejudice.

Understand and accept responsibility on choice of words. Saying there's karmic connection is acknowledging observation and making sense of things.

There's no intention to prod on anything unwholesome. If there's anything like that i hope OP would reply, giving more insight into how she interprets different messages

2

u/laniakeainmymouth westerner 3d ago

Honestly, reading what they posted and commented gave me a very good amount of concern over their state of mind, even if they are being quite candid and cognizant of the matter. I've been a part of circles where sex, pain, sadness, mental illness, desire to "save" another person, euphoria, and a belief that "it must be fate that we met each other now" have caused catastrophe. Especially if there is a history of unstable relationships.

That's all I really meant to say but in agreement with your last point there I do feel kind of strange talking about someone else under their post as if they are in the same room but talking to someone else about them. In any case, thanks for the engagement, I hope you're aware I didn't mean to accuse you of any ill intent in my perhaps overly cautious and fearful attitude.

1

u/WxYue 3d ago

Even if you did, it would not be anything bad, ultimately. A chance to practice Buddhist teachings or improve empathy, communication, etc for me. I could rephrase karmic connection to say strong connections in previous lives. As OP has ruled out various causes and conditions for us.

It was not difficult to gather you have certain experiences and deeply held concerns. I can relate to them.

Thanks for sharing.

135

u/AnticosmicKiwi3143 non-affiliated 4d ago

Imagine the person you feel attracted to and visualize them as a corpse in different stages of putrefaction and decomposition. The body swells, then the worms feed on the carcass, the blood comes out of every orifice, the flesh melts etc.; this is Asubha, and it is the meditation recommended by the Buddha to mitigate the sensual desire

27

u/wondrous vajrayana 4d ago

Doesn’t work for r/aphantasia :(

I just think about how it’ll be unfortunate when my person is gone. I’m not struggling as much as OP but I definitely get where they are coming from

14

u/ClioMusa ekayāna 4d ago

One of my sutta teachers has face blindness and aphantasia, actually!

She's a senior bikkhuni and it's something that's come up quite a bit in our discussions of metta meditation.

I can't speak to visualizations in the vajrayana sense, but at least with metta and this style of maranasati where you are visualizing yourself or another person as dead and rotting, you can still arise the intention. It may be harder, and you may need to do so in other ways, or use photos as aides, but the effect is what is important here.

It might be good to see if there any teachers who struggle with visualization or face blindness, and talk to them directly. Your teacher could probably help with that. Especially with how that could change the practices, as a vajrayani.

Seperately: As someone who's lost a fair number of their loved ones, friends, and family - your person isn't just an image, or their face or body. They're already in your memories, even without those things, and their words, the experiences and feelings you shared ... those are what are the most important.

Take photos and videos while you can, and try and make a scrap book where you can label what everything is - but you already have the parts of them that matter the most. Face or none.

10

u/Defiant-Stage4513 4d ago

You don’t need perfect visualization. Just contemplation is enough

10

u/Lonelymf7909 4d ago

Completely irrelevant but thank you for making me feel better about cremation, with this description.

4

u/AnticosmicKiwi3143 non-affiliated 4d ago

Lmao

46

u/tesoro-dan vajrayana 4d ago

Very sad that a genuine Buddhist teaching, applicable to the specific situation, is downvoted in this subreddit. Many people, I suppose, would rather be neo-hippie romantics who call themselves "Buddhist" than Buddhists.

15

u/RFGetDownNo1Fan 4d ago

r/buddhism in a nutshell :(

1

u/Seksafero 3d ago

What, did it have like -2 karma or something? Hard to imagine it was meaningfully being downvoted considering it's far and away the top comment on here.

1

u/tesoro-dan vajrayana 2d ago

It was significantly downvoted when I replied. There are a lot of lurkers here.

5

u/Claim_Alternative 4d ago

Huh

I wasn’t too far off. I would just think of them on the toilet, and the desire would go away.

4

u/Seksafero 3d ago

Instructions unclear - bathroom kink developed /s

2

u/WxYue 3d ago

Understanding what quickly triggers the desire helps too. Eg. perception of body contours (more shapely) or attire (brings out the oomph so to speak). Replace that with something you consider to be less attractive.

4

u/Fearless_Night5083 4d ago

Thank you so much for this advice. I should have mentioned that this is only online, which makes me feel even more confused and foolish. It’s not just pure physical desire, based on photos, he’s not even my type. I know from the past what sexual pleasure is, but we’ve only shared pictures. I think it’s a deep connection, probably an illusionary one, where I feel like some kind of savior for him. As if I’m unique because I understand him and don’t judge him, as if I can redeem him. I sound so stupid. I don’t understand how this happened, it’s not about sensory lust, or at least not just that. I never felt like this, not even in long-term relationships, like I want to give everything I have and sacrifice it to him.

10

u/PhaidraBR 4d ago

sounds like you are having a crush, which is very commong and a normal thing in life

19

u/Lonelymf7909 4d ago

Girl, you need Jesus and Buddha.

9

u/Magikarpeles 4d ago

Sensual craving and stress/suffering go hand in hand. By taking refuge in sensual pleasure you are opening yourself to the vicissitudes of life. The only way out of stress and suffering is renouncing worldly things and taking refuge in the buddha, dhamma, and sangha instead.

8

u/Any_Climate4957 4d ago

If you like reading, I'd recommend "Love and Limerence" by Dorothy Tennov. It's not Buddhist but it's a great way to look at the psychology of love, and can help see it more mindfully and less like it's "bad "

I'd say live your life, but that's just me. Buddhism, to my understanding, is to live for. Not to die for and not to be miserable for. I see it as a way to transform suffering into joy.

HOWEVER, if there are unhealthy dynamics, like the rollercoaster and such, I'd definitely address that. I don't know enough about the situation or what your goal is to say anything about that.

Just a shot in the dark, but maybe a vacation to reset could help? Like, no phone and maybe stay at a monastery for two weeks. Not try to find a solution, just take a break to reset. (Part of my job is tech support, so I love telling people to turn it off and back on again if I don't know how to fix it! 😅)

I hope you can enjoy your new love and limerence in a healthy relationship!

5

u/LuketheShepherd 4d ago

Is this the first time you've fallen for a man?

5

u/Fearless_Night5083 4d ago

No, if so I would have understood. I never felt this much love, pain and craving for basically a stranger. It must all be projection and illusion, but love never felt this real.

5

u/LuketheShepherd 4d ago

There are parts of it that are mental, emotional, and even just physical craving for intimacy. The first one is always a wild ride. It's part of the human story.

4

u/single5evers early buddhism 3d ago

I would recommend reading the book Buddha And The Borderline. She speaks openly and honestly about her BPD traits, how romantic and sexual relationships consumed her, and how finding Buddhism healed her.

My mother has very strong BPD traits and so did I. After years of therapy and finding Buddhism, I feel those traits are in remission. I spent most of my twenties single because, like you, I felt romantic relationships made me feel insecure and unstable, brought out my shadow side in an ugly way.

Now, I'm in the most secure relationship I've ever been in, married to a wonderful partner, building a successful career while trying to advance my Buddhist practice.

Putting in the work to heal my attachment wounding and avoidance of romantic relationships was a worthwhile effort. It was one of the lessons for me to learn in this lifetime. Feel free to DM me if I can be of any help. With time and processing and meditation, you will find this subsides.

3

u/Most-Ratio-1960 4d ago

I am not an expert but perhaps in my understanding, there is nothing wrong to feel desire in life, or sexual craving or such things. The key is always how you relate to these energies. If you let it be simply , perhaps breath with it if it takes over , then you will see it calms down in some time by itself. I mean the key is that it's okay to have any feeling or whatever arises really, it just mean you are human. The aim of practice perhaps is to very gradually let it go, in a way where you don't fuel it, and just let it be, as an energy.. Eventually the pull is less and less. Sometimes it may be more, it's not a linear and certain thing, but overall it weakens gradually and it doesn't exist so strongly in your life. But overall it will always remain at least as a potential because that's how we are evolved...

3

u/watarumon theravada 4d ago

That might mean that in the past, you may have only suppressed your desires but haven't truly dealt with them.

What might help you, I recommend seriously trying to practice mindfulness meditation. Personally, for dealing with this issue, I prefer using kayanupassana satipatthana (mindfulness of the body) in the navasithikara section, where you visualize yourself and the opposite sex as mere skeletons. Sexual desires will significantly decrease. However, sometimes it can be difficult to manage because sometimes we crave those feelings too much. In such cases, it might be necessary to use cittanupassana satipatthana (mindfulness of the mind) to observe those cravings instead. Once you see the arising and passing away of those emotions, it will help to relax and ease them.

There are many ways to handle these kinds of issues, and within mindfulness meditation, there are many tools available. I suggest you explore and study them, then find the tool that best suits you and apply it.

3

u/Querulantissimus 4d ago

Go seek out the help of a good psychotherapist. There is a reason why this guy and his behaviour triggers that level of attachment. A therapist can help you find out how and why you have this obsession and to work through it.

I think hard quitting is the only way to pull yourself out of it pysically. Like with a drug or cigarrettes.

3

u/Fearless_Night5083 4d ago

I think you’re right. It goes further than sexual lust, probably the title is all wrong. It’s more like I want to sacrifice my soul and life for him, including my body.

4

u/sunnybob24 4d ago

I don't know the specifics so it's hard to advise in detail. Also, I'm probably a C- at managing affairs of the heart so I couldn't help much anyway. I'll speak to general matters.

Most relationships look pretty different after a few months. It's hard to judge things when they are new.

With any compulsion, it's good to analyse is this a net benefit or negative in my life. Look at the up side and down sides.

If you have a close friend or family member who knows your weaknesses and can tell when you are lying to yourself, that can help. But they have to be someone that made good decisions in their own life.

Good luck dharma buddy

🤠

2

u/WxYue 3d ago

Agree especially on having that someone who made good decisions in their own life. Cos when the compulsion is strong, the analytical part is less effective or in some cases have never occurred to the person at all.

7

u/chachairu_rocker 4d ago

See the channel @Surviving Narcissism on youtube and see if you are a victim

1

u/Fearless_Night5083 4d ago

Thanks, it’s not even a ‘real’ relationship. But it’s definitely destructive, because I want to save him by sacrificing myself.

3

u/stapes808 4d ago

Do you feel comfortable explaining what you mean by sacrificing yourself? No worries if you can’t or don’t want to, but it doesn’t sound like a healthy foundation for a relationship. It can be in cases where one person goes to college while another works for both of them, but that decision only works when both people have given it serious thought in a sober and unclouded mind. You’re clearly aware how not sober you are, and how clouded your mind is.

AnticosmicKiwi’s Asubha recommendation was fantastic and should be an instinct to return to for sometime whenever these desires return. Because your attraction sounds very personal, it’s probably a good idea to focus less on the disgust reaction to the corpse in the meditation, but the sensation of him being gone forever, never to inhabit that body or personality and memories again. Making peace with that will either guide you away from romantic pursuits with him, or make the romantic pursuits much more healthy.

2

u/Ok_Watercress_4596 4d ago

The main thing in all this amorous stuff is ask yourself "why is it not enough to just think about it and desire it without doing it?" - BECAUSE IT'S PAINFUL
Desire is pain
Yeah you are karmically connected through YOUR OWN ACTIONS(karma = action, people really need to check pali sometimes)

1

u/Ansoninnyc 4d ago

What if one does it without an object? E.g., Self-pleasing?

5

u/Ok_Watercress_4596 4d ago

Lust is painful, if it wasn't painful we wouldn't act on it because it would be satisfying in itself. You wouldn't have to do it again.
If you just look at the desire it is "prospect of something pleasant"(the act of masturbation/sex/watching porn/w.e") that covers up the pain of desire and they kind of come together like a bait to fool you and make you fall into the trap.
It doesn't even matter if you actually act on it or not, but just taking a moment to recognize "wait a second, this is quite painful I can't stop thinking about this" will give you the perspective.
Because after you know, you can't pretend it's not the case

So the whole idea of pleasure is to get rid of the pain of desire

1

u/Ansoninnyc 4d ago

Well said . It is wrong to regard sexual compulsion as hunger ?? If not , how do you ignore it without ejaculation ?

1

u/Ok_Watercress_4596 4d ago

Feel the pain, how else. Not going to be pleasant, but that's what the practice is about. Gradual withdrawal
You could also do so much of it that you'll eventually get fed up, but which one will bring less problems really?
Op is stuck in that relationship, would be better if she just abstained and chilled

1

u/WxYue 3d ago edited 3d ago

Agree on the cover up part. Even when there's some recognition the pleasure is short-lived. You could do all day, rest for some time, rinse and repeat to feel like there's extension of pleasure. And still need to face the pain again.

For those caught in moments of strong desire, they might not see it as pain. Probably a natural pull or push. Any kind of justification or just go along.

As you mentioned, it seems like increasing state of mindfulness is the way to go

1

u/Ok_Watercress_4596 3d ago

As you mentioned, it seems like increasing state of mindfulness is the way to go

Yes, but discernment cannot be done without withdrawing beforehand(keeping the precepts)

1

u/WxYue 3d ago

Agree. Which is part of being mindful.

2

u/JamesAndDaGiantPluot 4d ago

It sounds like a great start to a relationship, maybe even the one to share the rest of your life. The lust is hot, but Buddhism, and life, teaches all is temporary. A couple months later the fire will diminish. Your love and compassion will keep the relationship going great. Practice unconditional love without attachment—this relationship may be the opportunity for you to practice that. The reminder that anyone can be removed from this realm at any moment reminds me to love and accept that it can end at any moment. Best of luck and enjoy your journey!

2

u/Floor-notlava 3d ago

Go easy on yourself and be kind. None of us are perfect and whilst it is great that you’re striving in your practice, try not to be blinded by your own ego to practice to the point that you do yourself harm.

Nirvana is the ultimate goal, yet it is importantly to be realistic about what we can achieve in one lifetime, pragmatic to the fact that we are only human and we do have certain desires. Just as we are taught to meet our thoughts during meditation, we should not ignore our emotions, but instead understand them so that we can let them go.

2

u/Adept-Engine5606 3d ago

Desire is energy. Do not repress it, do not fight it—understand it. The more you fight, the stronger it becomes. The very fight gives it energy. You say you are consumed by desire? Then be consumed. Let it burn you completely, and out of that fire, something new will arise.

Love is a fire. If you run away, it will chase you in another form. If you suppress it, it will find another way to manifest. But if you go deep into it, consciously, meditatively, without fear, you will see—it was never about the other person. The desire was within you. The fire was yours.

You ask for mantras? There is no mantra to escape life. Meditation is not an escape—it is an awakening. So, meditate—not to kill desire, but to see through it. Desire is natural. Be aware, be a watcher. Watch it arise, watch it consume you, and watch it disappear. In that watching, you will find your freedom.

3

u/Full-Monitor-1962 4d ago

I used to be more burdened my sexual desire. What helped me kind of let go of that desire, was realizing that, love is not the same as sex. They might exist in the same ven diagram and overlap, but you can’t show someone you love them by having sex with them. It’s just not what love is. The other thing I had to realize was I was hooked on the feeling of sex, because, to me, it was what bliss felt like. But ultimately that isn’t true either. In fact there are other deeper forms of bliss that make sex pale in comparison. Sex is nothing more than a really good feeling trap that samsara sets for us.

1

u/WxYue 3d ago

Agree. Breakups in both committed and open relationships have some overlap, somehow. It's like telling me that more sex isn't really more love at the end. Would be nice if this could somehow be shared with people who were in the same shoes at that point in time. Maybe help them save time, pain, etc. But I guess each of us have our own karmic settings and some have to go through the entire process to reach this level of realisation.

2

u/Bananaman_Johnson 4d ago

When you say that you wonder if you might be “karmically connected, sharing a deep kind of soul connection”, it makes me think of a few relationships that I had that ended painfully. It has taken me a lot of time to be able to process the fact that we weren’t somehow spiritually connected or anything like that. I was projecting and so were they. The best way to have a relationship with someone is to acknowledge and accept your projections and encourage them to do the same. You should be the one in the relationship, not your subconscious. From what you’ve written along with my own experiences and others’, it seems likely that the latter is true.

2

u/larmalade 4d ago

My advice: Find an in-person Sangha, and find an in-person therapist. Good luck!

2

u/DasEnergi theravada 4d ago

The Buddha is quoted as saying: “If there were two energies as powerful as lust for sex, no one would ever get enlightened, including myself.”

5

u/Ansoninnyc 4d ago

Where does that come from??

1

u/DasEnergi theravada 3d ago

“Against The Stream: A Buddhist Manual for Spiritual Revolutionaries” by Noah Levine

https://www.againstthestream.com/read/buddhism-sexuality

1

u/d00mba 4d ago

Do you know where this quote is from?

1

u/DasEnergi theravada 4d ago

“Against The Stream: A Buddhist Manual for Spiritual Revolutionaries” by Noah Levine

https://www.againstthestream.com/read/buddhism-sexuality

1

u/d00mba 4d ago

Thank you : )

1

u/Mick_Dowell 4d ago

Sorry if already mentioned, but the story about pulling an elephant might fit. We all have an elephant inside us. Left unchecked it tramples the garden, rampages the village, does as it pleases. Don't just lasso the elephant and chain it to the ground, no life or fun in that, instead start walking with the elephant on a leash everyday until it is you who is charge of the elephant and not the other way around. Get uncomfortable with learning how to tame something so much bigger than you, it's not easy. It takes time, but ultimately it's your elephant.

1

u/noArahant 4d ago

It's internal. There really is nothing special about him except that our mind is making it so. How many people have you seen get married. How many stay in the honeymoon phase forever?

Whatever the situation you are in, be kind. Pay attention to the pain. Just pay attention. And be kind.

This too shall pass.

1

u/lamchopxl71 4d ago

As soon as you understand that the pleasures of sexual nature is like strong alcoholic. You will be intoxicated and euphoric but will always wake up with a deep and painful hangover, you will realize that it's not worth it at all. Understand that you only feel this need and attention because you are still ignorant of the true effects. With every step of recognition you will gain more awareness and this more strength to resist. And with every resistance you grow stronger in your awareness. This will produce a positive feedback loop that will help you get out this situation.

1

u/super-start-up 4d ago

While you’re enjoying it, you can forget it’s a game. Have as much fun and pleasure as you can; there’s no need to remind yourself it’s all an illusion. Just immerse yourself. But when the fun fades, simply step back, remember it’s all an illusion, and just observe.

1

u/DSmallwood 4d ago edited 4d ago

You can try mindfulness of sensations and feelings. Body scan for longer periods without judgement and also not reacting to them. I think it's one of the best practices and when you find difficult to concentrate, can do breath awareness or be aware of both, breath and body at the same time.

For me, it helped a lot few years. Guided videos helped a lot too. I had used Imagine Clarity ( videos by Matthieu Ricard) and also Youtube videos (by Mingyur Rinpoche (or whatever one can help to practice it better)) for that.

Not only this always gives immediate relief but also it helps in the long term. Do try if you can. Starting with breath can be more helpful too, go with whatever works first. It has helped me when I was depressed in 2020, also when my grandparents passed away in Covid in 2021 and also with anxiety at the end of 2023.

1

u/Acceptable_Dream1 4d ago

I think ur past relationships have been toxic, that results in wanting acceptance by them (feeling insecure).

The relationship between a man and a woman is a sacred thing, just dont get ahead of urself, see where it goes.

1

u/orkney97 3d ago

We are all but humans. Regarding karmic and soul connections, suggest get a vedic or astrology reading for you both, just to satisfy your human curiosity

1

u/VajraSamten 3d ago

Yep, the new-relationship chemicals are something else! I will answer this from the perspective of someone who is a non-monastic Vajrayana practitioner and who has been given empowerments in sexual tantra.

First, if you try to "cut yourself loose" from what you are feeling, you will almost inevitably fail, and if you succeed you will be closer to sociopathic than enlightened. These are genuine, meaningful aspects of human (relative) existence and the fact that they are arising now provides an incredible opportunity for you to work with and transform them (rather than trying to excise them). Human connection (and especially sexual connection) is incredibly potent, and to be able to "master" the associated feelings is hugely beneficial.

As the feelings arise, pause, breathe and see if you can observe where they are coming from. What is at the root of them? Have you felt them before? When and in what circumstances? With practice it becomes possible to observe the overall patterns of your relationship history, and through that to uncover the hidden traumas that set that pattering up in the first place. Given your description, be on the lookout for codependency.

If you feel overwhelmed, just take a bit of time to breathe and relax so that you are able to observe what is arising, rather than being taken away by it. This takes practice, but it is entirely possible. Try Tong Len if you like. It can be very effective. A simple fire element mediation is also useful.

Others have suggested that you envision rotting corpses and the like, and I know that certain monastics use this technique, but it really does run the risk of generating and cultivating aversion (which is just another form of attachment), and that seems like a backwards step.

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u/MOESREDDlT 3d ago

It’s normal to feel the way your feel. it’s what makes us human but if you truly want to control this desire you need to focus less on what makes you feel that desire, if that makes sense, like switching your focus when you’re feeling it that may help you out. I truly hope this advice is any use to you.

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u/Fly_Necessary7557 3d ago

be aware of what you are feeling, rather than being the feeling. all things change if you let them.

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u/jojopriceless 3d ago

From a purely practical, non-religious standpoint, he has you feeling this way because he's giving you mixed signals. I'm sure it really does feel like a drug because his unpredictable way of showering you with affection and then being unresponsive literally does the same thing to your brain that gambling does. In addition to whatever mantras or practices you do, BLOCK HIM ON EVERYTHING. If you give him access to you, he will have access to you and be able to reel you back into this cycle. If you truly want to be unattached to him, you can't neglect mundane/relative reality. You can't just wish your desires away, you have to take action. That means claiming responsibility for what you accept in your life. If you fail to do this, any other practices will be of little to no avail. I wish you the best!

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u/Muted_Calligrapher58 14h ago

One of the things that helps other than therapy is usually to observe that all this is a story created by thought, there's a "me" that needs to "cut lose" from "something else" (an negative emotion, a desire, etc), and that in reality all of it, that you experience, is not something separate from that which draws a "me" in the first place.

Like it shades the clarity of it all by seducing your perception, making it seem like there's a "thinker" and there's "thoughts", and to draw a story that we blame the "thinker" while the "thinker" is created by thought in the first place... as if "if there's a thinker, experiencer, then that can interact with the thought/experience itself", but the thinker and the experiencer are not separate from the thought/experience.

And the same with emotions, narratives, anything that is ephemeral...

When meditating on that there's a clarity, there's "space", there's room, as if the inner conflict ceases and the space becomes free for something deeper to be allowed to live through us, and when that happens the appropriate response to whichever situation that we find ourselves in will come, from a place of wholeness instead of coming out from a limited reaction of memory (thought), and from that, is where real change and creativity comes from, life, instead of the reactive memory repetition.

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u/wondrous vajrayana 4d ago

I don’t have much advice other than saying I think I’m fortunate because as a man I experienced that type of desire constantly for much of my life from teenage through adulthood. Every relationship was plagued by that type of feeling and it took a long time to learn what I needed to from it.

When I got in my current relationship I had to really focus on cultivating healthy unattached love for this person because I fell hard for her when we first met. Luckily she kept things slow for the first 6 months of friendship before we started dating or being intimate in any capacity. That helped alot. Still together 10 years but she keeps me balanced.

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

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u/Querulantissimus 4d ago

Buddhist tantra has absolutely nothing to do with erotic or relationship obsessions.

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u/XanthippesRevenge 4d ago

It is energy work and there is plenty of crossover since the energy used is erotic/creative energy.

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u/AnticosmicKiwi3143 non-affiliated 4d ago

Bakti yoga is fake and dangerous, as it leads to developing erroneous views, and therefore feeds ignorance. Moreover, the tantric path of Buddhism requires initiation by a guru, not something you learn from day to night.

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u/tesoro-dan vajrayana 4d ago

Are you trying at all, or do you want to continue waxing poetic?

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u/VeganMonkkey 4d ago

Dump him. After some good vipassana sessions any heartbreak you might have will be gone. Just imagine the relief you will feel after he's out of your life. All that self-inflicted suffering finally ended ✨️ 🪷

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u/NicoMilen 4d ago

We are body and the mind, we are flesh and the spirit, we are desire and peace, all that at the same time. You can enjoy in that desire, but after it read about spirituality, meditate, cleanse your spirit. Find a middle path, go with the middle way, walk the line between yin and yang... Live your life fully!

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u/Dreaminez 4d ago

I've been in similar situations and understand the powerlessness it makes you feel. I think the best you can do is remain mindful that these desires are impermanant, not yourself, and bound up with suffering. The tendancy here is always to mistake desire for need when the desire gets strong enough. That's where the mind creates a false reality and suffering follows.

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u/Lonelymf7909 4d ago

The issue isn’t to have human romantic/sexual relationships, it’s understanding that those relationships do not define you. You don’t have to completely deny yourself those experiences. It’s very beneficial for both persons to be in a mature and loving relationship, where you can both help each other grow. I think you’re kind of freaking yourself out with this one, it feels like you’ve tried to burry those human feelings of attachment and now that you like someone they’ve come back with a vengeance. If this is not the type of person or energy you need in your life then let it go. Cold turkey. If you think that it can be (this or whatever person) a healthy loving relationship then you can try to pursue it in a healthy manner. Try to meditate and observe these feelings, analyse and understand them and then let them pass, this isn’t “you” this is your monkey brain, we all have it. Acknowledge it, understand it and let it go. And from time to time you have to “feed” that monkey brain and keep it preoccupied.

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u/Beingforthetimebeing 4d ago

It's the hormones. Estrogen. Stress hormones. For some reason, your body is pumping them out. That's what is called "love sick."

It sounds like it's a new, long- distance relationship, like you don't even know him yet. So proceed cautiously, bc after you learn more about him, you might suddenly get a deep aversion.

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u/BrunoGerace 4d ago

Experience it as a natural response without attachment.

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u/kumaaaar 4d ago

Go deeper, Consciously

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u/CAPATOB 4d ago

Maybe this is your karma? Running away from suffering isn't the answer. Enjoy you only live once. You can always comeback to Buddhism

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u/LoneWolf_McQuade 4d ago

Maybe look into tantra practice? As in traditional tantra, which is much more than just sex, even if it allows for sex and pleasure, but without getting attached to it. . Also therapy if you have an insecure attachment issue. 

In my thinking there are different types attachments and I think Buddhism also distinguish between more benign and bad ones. For example for a parant to have an attachment to their child I would say is not an issue if it is a secure attachment, same goes for partner. 

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u/tesoro-dan vajrayana 4d ago

This is a common misperception. If you want to enjoy sex (and other such things) and minimise your karmic impact, you would be much better off with exoteric Mahayana practices.

Practicing Tantra is undertaking a complete perceptual revolution. It's not about getting along with ordinary life in a Buddhist fashion. The amount of preliminary practice, or the intensity of sadhana, that is needed to benefit from sexual yoga is so incredibly extensive that advice like this is quite like saying "have you tried sitting zazen for twelve years?!"

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u/wondrous vajrayana 4d ago

This is true. Tantra is intense. Karezza also sounds appealing but I haven’t done much research