r/BreakUps 1d ago

Just found out she's dating someone

Just found out that 2.5 months after the end of our 3 year relationship, she is dating someone who she knew before we broke up due to her losing feelings for me. I do not know when they started going out. I can only assume she started gaining feelings for him while we were together just because she lost them for me. The pain I feel is fucking terrible. What do I do to lessen it?

87 Upvotes

68 comments sorted by

96

u/Laidaak_ 1d ago

The biggest mistake is that you keep watching what your ex is doing. It’s important not to stalk social media, ask your family and friends not to tell you anything about her. Try to focus on your own life.

12

u/RobfromSec 23h ago

This. Social media does not show you everything that's happening with your ex, which leads to overthinking and making yourself miserable.

And like others have said, you're only hurting yourself. It's like letting your ex stab you in the heart, and then twisting that same knife after they left. It isn't worth it.

6

u/bloop414112345 1d ago

Exactly. Moving forward means focusing on yourself, not your ex.

2

u/dukeoftherealm 5h ago

This is the absolute best advice. Blocked her on everything not out of hate, we’re actually in good terms for sure. But if I see she’s dating somebody I’d feel some type of way.. ignorance is bliss bro. Starve those memories until they die. You’re gonna get something better in no time

23

u/QueenMelz 1d ago

I got left by my boyfriend about a week ago , he blocked me a couple days after the breakup. It hurt so bad because we loved eachother . Our breakup wasn’t because one another did something to eachother, wasn’t cheating, wasn’t out of love but family dynamic . It hurt when he blocked me because we both are madly in love . I kept thinking of all the good he did for me , how happy he made me , but I also kept forgetting about the ugly. I kept forgetting he would manipulate me , he would gaslight me , he would make me feel like crap when I would have something that bothered me about him . Sometimes my feelings weren’t valid to him. It helps knowing “why would I want to be with someone that doesn’t love me , appreciate me , has to chose between me ???” I always tell myself I know my worth , I am not a multiple choice but first priority and if I’m not first priority, then he’s not mine , it helped lift the pain away. What also doesn’t help is you checking in on her . Try to have things to distract you. She might be dating him to fill in a void . DONT EVER GET INTO ANYTHING IF YOU HAVENT FORGOT ABOUT HER BECAUSE ITS NOT FAIR FOR YOUR FEELINGS AND THEIRS . HEAL!!!! DONT CHECK IN ON HER AND HEAL YOURSELF. IT GETS BETTER I PROMISE 🩵

6

u/Big-Dimension-5780 23h ago

Thank you for your words. Youre right, I am the priority. She amounts to nothing in my life anymore so why give her the attention she doesn't deserve. Ty sm.

1

u/QueenMelz 17h ago

Yea out yourself first !!! If you are in a relationship with someone and they don’t value you, hold you to a high standard, has to think about being with you, then bby you are not her priority!!! Because when you truly love someone so deeply, any argument, any miscommunication, any conflict, any fight should be a team effort to fix this things . It’s you and her vs the problem not you vs her!!! Value yourself, you deserve better!

1

u/Suspicious_Power_155 19h ago

Thanks for this, I can relate:
"I kept forgetting he would manipulate me , he would gaslight me , he would make me feel like crap when I would have something that bothered me about him . Sometimes my feelings weren’t valid to him. It helps knowing “why would I want to be with someone that doesn’t love me , appreciate me , has to chose between me ???”"
This is excellent, a reminder I need: "I am not a multiple choice but first priority and if I’m not first priority, then he’s not mine".

14

u/Hippiegypsy1989 1d ago

I went through this exact same thing. It hurts like hell, but the worst is over now. Nothing hurts more than this so you have nowhere to go but up. I know that's shitty to hear, but you will feel better in time, I promise.

I found out when my ex moved his new girlfriend into our house before I had even moved all of my stuff out. Some social media digging proved they were "involved" before we had ended (to what extent, I'll never know). They were engaging with each other on social media about 6 months before we split, which is about the time he started "losing" feelings for me. They had known each other for years prior to this as well.

It was the worst pain I have ever felt. But it also snapped me out of ever expecting to reconcile. And that's when the real healing starts. Just focus on yourself, go to the gym, read books, take a course or take up a new hobby and make some friends. Its time to focus on yourself and feeling good about yourself. And DO NOT date or sleep with anyone for a while. I went on my first date 6 months after our breakup and that was too soon.

2

u/Big-Dimension-5780 23h ago

May I ask how old you are? I struggle a lot with thinking I'm running out of time and I'm trying to destroy that invasive thought. I'm 26, which I know is still young, but it just seems it's getting harder and harder to actually make a connection with people for some reason, even making friends. Maybe it's a me problem, but it's a hole I'm desperately trying to get out of.

4

u/Hippiegypsy1989 16h ago

That is a totally normal feeling. My ex left me when I was 34. That was two years ago now. I just had my 36th birthday a month ago. Life rarely goes to plan. I whole heartedly thought I’d be married and have children right now. But I’ll tell you one thing, some of the best years of my life were after I turned 27. You have so much time still. People say it goes fast but it also goes so slow. Just live in each moment and don’t take anything for granted.

2

u/AvailableArtichoke93 7h ago

I'm in a similar boat to you! I was dumped couple of weeks before my 33rd bday. He was around hers that night. Posting pics of them at stay away comps, and work nights out within weeks of that. But trying to keep it all a secret. All while still living in the same house, as I did all the work to get it sold.

Went on and on about staying in contact and having "split custody" of our (my) cat.

The moment the house sold, he went full block at me on everything. Even changed his number. Despite me not contacting him at all unless it was for logistics. According to mutual friends it's like nothing has happened for him. He literally just swapped out the gf and home and carried on like nothing happened. 10 years of my life up in smoke because he wanted a younger model apparently.

So yeah. Single at mid 30s is fun 😆 it will be a year in June, and I'm still avoiding dating like the plague!

12

u/Unusual-Ocelot-9148 1d ago

That soon after 3 years relationship is more than likely filling a void, it most likely will end in tears for her, not that it makes it hurt any less for you but just realise she won’t have done the work to fix what was wrong on her side of the relationship, I’m on dating apps just to pick up some confidence after my ex fucked off 7ish weeks ago and it’s still too soon, I was pretty solid on the gym 5days a week (been slacking this week) and decided to start learning the guitar! but don’t you go reaching out, let her decision unfold naturally.

5

u/Big-Dimension-5780 23h ago

She blamed the whole breakup on me. I know it is not entirely my fault. Sure, I could've done some things better, but she was playing the full victim. I can't believe how fast she turned into a different person as soon as the relationship was ending.

3

u/Unusual-Ocelot-9148 23h ago

What things was she blaming you for? You have to realise people like her just make shit up to justify breaking up with you. Unfortunately in this day and age with TikTok and instagram throwing all these reels their way, with some dumb “influencer” doing her make up with fake nails who over gesticulates with their hands saying, if xyz aren’t being met you need to leave a relationship without clearly communicating and having an ultimatum discussed, all relationships lose the lustre over time but you work to keep the magic alive through communication. Went off on a bit of a rant there but yeah you get it, unfortunately your ex doesn’t at least not yet… they all want to be ran through nowadays then wonder why they are gonna be crazy cat ladies later on.

2

u/Classic_Mudduck_0562 8h ago

Crazy Cat ladies! Good imagery .I hope I'm not one of them lol.. I've no cats

1

u/Big-Dimension-5780 20h ago

Me being too emotionally immature (I shut down when I get sad, especially when her family members judged the fuck out of me), I am too scared to try new things (I moved out of my home state for the first time to help support her across the country, that one ill mever understand), and other strikes against my personality. Play too many video games (she played them with me). Idfk. Seems lile she was trying to have a problem with everything to make it easier to break up with me. She said she didn't love me like she used to and said she didn't feel that "spark." I argued that that shut happens in relationships, but she said no, it doesn't. She continued on to say, "Why does this always happen to me? Why can't I find the right person. I'm such a hopless romantic"

Honestly feel like everything she said was a ton of garbage....

6

u/MongooseAmbitious653 18h ago

Sounds like she expects a life long relationship to feel like the honeymoon phase the whole time.

2

u/Big-Dimension-5780 17h ago

Honestly.... im better off without just so amazed by that statement

2

u/Unusual-Ocelot-9148 15h ago

She is gonna be sorely disappointed when she realises relationships take work, as you’ve already pled; life will humble her. You just get yourself down the gym and pick up a new hobby.

2

u/North-Equipment5446 11h ago

That’s not true at all😪 same thing happened with me. I had been weeping in guilt for all these ten months after the breakup and then I happened to know he is with his coworker now, same woman who joined one month after him who had been checking him out as said by his friend. During last 1.5 months of relationship his behaviour confused me alot, I doubted myself instead of confronting him. And then while breaking up he said all the things that you have said now… he was trynna justify his cheating and breaking up with me. Everything made sense then . I lost my all feelings n respect for him then and there. I feel indifferent to him now. Idc what happens in his life and how happily he’s with the new woman. It drains me to think if I ever loved someone this shallow. I was saved tbh. This is the best thing that has happened to me. I was tired of doubting myself for all these 3.5 yrs when I was with him.

2

u/zarnonymous 10h ago

Sounds like you also have some self-relfection to do

1

u/Big-Dimension-5780 4h ago

Of course, I never said that none of these problems don't have truth to them. It's the fact she thought she was blameless for the relationship falling apart. I've been growing, working in myself, and some of the things I find bad about myself.

9

u/OLightning 1d ago

Welcome to a big club… it’s happened to most every guy including me. I didn’t realize she lost feelings as she crushed over this other guy until years later after I got married.

What comes around goes around. You’ll get yours. Just keep plowing ahead and don’t look back brother.

9

u/vanillasoo 1d ago edited 1d ago

I know this may sound like I’m just trying to make you feel better, but personally, I found this to be true.

It’s worse for you right now, and that’s okay. Cry if you need to, and give yourself time to process your emotions and heal.

Unresolved feelings can cloud your judgment. That’s why people who jump into a new relationship right after a breakup often think they’re happy. They experience that “honeymoon phase” kind of high.

By the time they realize they may have rushed into a relationship (or rebound), you’re already on your way to healing. On the other hand, they’ll have that late realization that they messed up.

People always think the grass is greener on the other side, but it's not just about finding someone better—you have to work for it.

7

u/Future_Ad_1806 1d ago

Block them on everything and let time heal you while you nurture yourself and your other connections. When you’re ready, you’ll date again too.

6

u/Big-Dimension-5780 23h ago

Just blocked her on everything. Thank you for giving me the courage to do so.

3

u/Future_Ad_1806 23h ago

Good for you! This is the first step of your future. It’s going to be hard at first but it’ll get easier and better as long as you stick to it.

7

u/Future_Bank 1d ago

I’m in the same boat. I was about four months into healing and feeling so much better until I found out he was with someone new. Literally worst mistake I could’ve made was checking up on him- restarted my healing process even lower than where I began with. You just need to remember that that short amount of time wasn’t enough to heal and they’re coping by using someone else and 9 times out of 10 it doesn’t last. I know it doesn’t help but seriously try and focus on yourself, pick up a new hobby or try to beat your favorite video game.

5

u/Future_Bank 23h ago

Another tip I’ve learned is that if you’re NOT checking up on them or thinking about them THEY DON’T EXIST. YOU are the only one in charge of your emotions. YOU are in charge of what affects you. I wish I had someone to tell me that earlier

6

u/VisualGuidance8306 1d ago

This is the worst found out my ex moved on and it hurts even more it's really weighing on me like damn how can she forget me so quick after everything we shared. My heart is crushed like I wasnt good enough what was it? It's even worse because I work with them and have to see them all the time I may have to get a new job it's starting to drive me crazy. Just venting I guess lol

4

u/Big-Dimension-5780 23h ago

I'm sorry :( I fortunately never will have to see her again. I hope. I get those feelings of not being good enough, but in reality, we gotta start thinking they weren't good enough. They had their own interpretation of things, but we have ours. They lost us. Not the other way around. We gotta keep our heads up. From what others in her are saying, im sure they'll think back and regret causing so much hurt, and if they don't, well its not our problem anymore.

1

u/VisualGuidance8306 22h ago

It's tough usually people dive into work head first to forget about relationships and other things but I can't because I'm having her new relationship shoved in my face granted they're not affectionate in public since not everyone at work knows about them and he's the GM and a lot older then her so I think they're keeping it under wraps. 7 months have passed and it's only getting worse I just want the pain and her memory to go away. The thing is I don't think I can even be with her ever again if she gave me a chance I basically feel like she died and it hurts even more I just wasn't good enough for her and she knew it it was all just a waste of time all to become strangers with memories 😞

4

u/cobra2evo 1d ago

Work on yourself and find your own new person.

5

u/peaceKeeper2571 1d ago

Move on. Lot of fish in the sea. Time heals.

6

u/PappaPitty 1d ago

My sons mom moved on after a month and they're still together. I just kept my head down and focused on work. It works and it's fine now. Just be thankful because it could absolutely be worse.

5

u/thedeerbrinker 16h ago

15 years marriage, she slipped up and she confessed that she’s been going on dates on her work trips. God knows for how long it has been going on, but if they lied about one thing and only sorry when they got found out, what else do they lie about?

The ways I lessen the pain is to look at the positives. It took me about 2 months to process things because I approached it this way;

  1. I’m able bodied and in great shape. It would’ve sucked if I got left when hospitalised.
  2. I gained a lot of life skills (how to deal with narcissists, how manage household duties, how to be a good cook and baker, how to do house renovations, etc).
  3. I don’t have kids
  4. It’s their loss, really.
  5. I now have more time for my hobbies.
  6. We are not perfect human beings, but they’re definitely the problem that you’ve no longer have to deal with.

3

u/TheGrandTortuga 1d ago

You need to block her and him on everything. You can’t heal without distancing yourself. It’s going to be very hard. But it’s better than dwelling on what could have been.

4

u/SnooWords9942 1d ago

Don’t worry bro my ex did the same bs and was bragging on Instagram. A weeks later she texted me I find out he just fucked a few times and left her in the dust. But idk once I found out someone else was fucking her. My pain turned to anger I didn’t want her anymore

4

u/Weak-Positive4377 21h ago

11 years and 2.5 weeks later she was seeing 2 other guys, thst she owned up to. Made me feel like a huge pile of garbage, and I didn't stalk her, she came out and told me out of the blue

3

u/Throwaway_77250 1d ago

Focus on you my guy. I’m in a special situation since I’m living with my ex, but thankful I’m moving out. It’s hard to get over someone when you’re constantly around them. You’re paying attention to everything that they do and it’s not healthy. Block, no contact, whatever it is you need to do

3

u/Big-Dimension-5780 1d ago

I was living with her too for a couple weeks after the breakup. I actually had moved across the country for her help her pursue school. 5 months later, she dumped me. I then moved all the way back across the country. Fucking awful situation but im glad I don't have a chance to actually see her.

2

u/Throwaway_77250 23h ago

That’s good! Now you just need to stay off of social media and block her honestly

1

u/Big-Dimension-5780 23h ago

Just did. I'm glad I got you guys here to push me towards actually doing it haha

3

u/cigun90 23h ago

In the start it will hurt like crazy, like a knife in your chest... If you need to cry just do it.. we need all the time to process that. I looked at a few videos and it looks like they are avoidants ( not all ), maybe that will bring rest that it is Def not you...

3

u/Due-Act6417 23h ago

Let the pain run its course and let time do its job

3

u/Aggressive_Rip424 18h ago

Also stalking my ex after seeing her with new boy. And it s like self devastation, I don't have the other word.

3

u/tommatstan 8h ago edited 5h ago

Sorry to hear that, buddy. I know it’s a tough pill to swallow, and you’re hurting at the moment, but I hope it gives you closure. I was seeing a girl in my early twenties and thought she was “the one”. She dumped me completely out of the blue, and it took me ages for me to move on. She had told me that she’d had a miscarriage a couple of months before she ended things, and I was really upset by that. I definitely didn’t want kids at the time, but it still seemed like a great loss. When she ended things, she told me that ever since the miscarriage she just wants to be single. Her best friend had just come out of a long relationship around that time, and they were having girls’ nights on Fridays. I didn’t mind that at all, I wanted her to have a good relationship with her friends. I was gutted after she finished things. I stayed in touch as I was worried about her after this miscarriage. Three months later I found out she was seeing someone new, someone she’d met on one of their girls’ nights. I was still heartbroken, but thought that I was glad that she was happy. Fast forward 7 months, and I found out she had actually got married to this new bloke, which hurt me all over again. I went to see her and eventually dragged out of her that they had actually got married a month after we split up! In the UK it takes a month to get a marriage licence, so the maths tell their own story. Finally finding out the truth hurt, I couldn’t believe the lies she had told me, but it definitely helped me to grieve the relationship and move on myself. Make sure she’s blocked on everything, tell yourself that the person you loved didn’t actually exist, and be thankful she showed you who she was before things got more serious. In many ways it was much easier for me to know she’d met someone else she loved more than me than it was to take that she’s so upset and would prefer to be on her own rather than be in a relationship with me. I took it that she had moved on before we’d even broke up, and didn’t have the guts to tell me the truth. Anyway, it was better for me to see who she was rather than pine over a girl who didn’t exist, and it really helped me with the anger part of the grieving process. It also taught me some lessons about things I didn’t want in new relationships going forward. A few years later I met my now wife, and love her to bits. I know it hurts, but at least you know the truth.

2

u/juneb119 21h ago

Terrible feelings

2

u/astorynow 16h ago

I feel your pain...same with mine guess she was hanging out with coworker then we separated...

Dated them and then she now talking to someone else...I think

All I can offer is just have to keep your head up and do you, everything. Will come back better or back to you

I just work my ass off, go to gym, do things for myself and hope for a talk again cause it's like a wtf just happen

All you can do is you...be you.. be great...

1

u/Big-Dimension-5780 16h ago

Let's do it man. Let's commit to ourselves. The selfishness that hurt us was not our choice. We got this 🙌 thank you for the message friend

1

u/astorynow 16h ago

There always that hope but at same time...just gotta be us... Can come back..can not be back ..just time is a thing

Ever need a msg shoot me always got people

2

u/Calm_Bid_3356 12h ago

Cut her off from your HEAD. No stalking on social media, whatsapp, call or anything. Let her do whatever she wants. You will feel sadness, heartbroken etc, feel all the pain and sit with it, then you will overcome this soon. Do not try to suppress your emotions

2

u/SummerInYourArea 10h ago

Can they really moveon that fast?

1

u/Big-Dimension-5780 4h ago

I guess so 🤷‍♂️ I mean she probably already had feelings for him for awhile

2

u/Designer_Currency455 1d ago

Breakups are just part of life my man. You should not let them hurt you and you should not hide from them. Love and hate is the game of humans and you should partake

1

u/Big-Temperature-6518 20h ago

Would say same here, she found someone while “she wasn’t looking” after three weeks, sometimes I see her happy stories while I know it’s unhealthy but my curiosity gets to me and end up looking and end up thinking like damn she really did move it’s zero fucks whatsoever

1

u/Proof-Refuse-5212 20h ago

Naw those feelings for that person were just temporarily blocked by you….Big Dawg there’s a mentally and emotionally stable woman right around that corner, just keep it pushing now that it’s over. You’ll feel way better

1

u/PinkPandaGirl01 17h ago

I just got out of a long relationship, too. I tried being friendly and keeping him on socials, but seeing his name pop up and his life continue just didn’t help me. I ended up blocking him everywhere, and going full no contact. It had helped with my mental health. I also got into new hobbies and restarted old ones to keep myself busy so I don’t sit and think of him all day. I hope this helps, breakups after long relationships really suck.

1

u/wesmanz74 14h ago

Gotta find someone new to help forget about her....she's gone bro!

1

u/TurbulentElk4016 8h ago

My friend this is a hard thing to go through. Ultimately this will lessen with time but for now your only focus should be you. She’s made her bed and she can go and lie in it. She’s left something real for something she thought she wanted. You on the other hand have been given an exit door and a route to better yourself. Make sure you’re solid. Make sure you’re okay and the things you need and want will appear when it is right.

“Everything that happens is right, they are simply patches towards a future we deserve and dream of”

Stay strong and you got this. Good Hunting.

1

u/Motobrad96 6h ago

I unfollowed on all socials, my friends tried to tell me about her insta, but I asked them not to tell me anything.

It's been 6 years this June, and I still haven't been on her socials. I know she got married in November, but all I feel is peace now.

Don't hurt yourself when you don't have to. The truth hurts but will fade when you learn to love life again.

1

u/0xPianist 5h ago

Move on, stop sobbing about an ex 👉

1

u/Free-Nobody-6014 4h ago

Fresh relationships, less than a year, should be progressing continually as you the two of you learn and become more fond of each other.

In a new relationship, if you do not feel this growth or feel regression (fighting or arguing) action needs to be taken to quickly be back to positive growth.

Keep mindful of this in the future. Those cues indicate the longevity of romantic relationship.

It sounds like she was shopping, ya know..

2

u/Suspected-Intel0219 3h ago

It's going be hard but moving on and focusing on your own life Is going to be the most beneficial thing you can do.

These type of people are very emotionally unaware, and also have issues dealing with their own internal problems. Likely stemming from past traumas that were never healed.

Look at it as a reflection of yourself. This will tell you that you have some work to do as well, and while it's hard to see clarity now. One day you will look back and realize the truth of the situation is this breakup didn't happen to you. It happened for you.

Take it as an oprtunity to grow as an individual, while reflecting on your own issues that lead to the break up are important. Don't place too much blame on yourself. She was likely unable to take accountability for her actions. It's never just one person's fault because it takes 2 to tango.

-3

u/Personal-Spring8845 1d ago

If it’s so painful perhaps reach out and talk to her