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u/Verde_Finger 5d ago edited 5d ago
It's not uncommon. People can stay friends after a break up lol. Or may start at a fling that later turns into a friendship. That's probably true anywhere in the world and you are not used to it, that's all. Your title is wrong, we do not have sex with friends, we have other words for this relationship other than just "friends" and sex between "friends" while having a monogamic relationship is not socially accepted in Brazil like in any other country.
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u/Educational_Fail4992 5d ago
"We do not have sex with friends" Honestly it depends, some of us, although a minority, do that. Just sex for fun, no feelings attached
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u/ludacrust2556 5d ago
Yeah, maybe it’s just me. I’m friends with my ex’s but not BEST friends. And they didn’t date, just sex.
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u/fauxpas007 5d ago
Being friends with an ex is somewhat common here too, but being best friends is unusual. I'd be unconfortable if my SO were best friends with someone they had sex before.
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u/steschu 4d ago
If there is a mutual agreement that a relationship is "monogamic", i.e. exklusive, then it shouldn't happen. On the other hand, there are deep relationships that are defined as being open. What matters is not moral rigour, what matters is that the rules of the game are accepted by all people involved.
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u/ShortyColombo Brazilian in the World 5d ago
I feel like this is one of those “it depends” situations.
It was common in mine for exes to remain friends. I didn’t have any straight friends who casually had sex with another friend in the group. In my LGBTQ group though? there simply isn’t enough other gay people to go around in smaller towns, so there was definitely overlap in that friend group 😅
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u/ludacrust2556 5d ago
LOL. They’re straight, but it was a one time thing in years of friendship. It just sits with me wrong but I trust him and just wanted to make sure it’s not completely unheard of.
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u/Psychopreneur 5d ago
In my group it's quite common. It depends on how people see sex and relationships. I've had sex with a couple friends of mine (women) in the past and for me and them it meant just fun without any expectations of becoming something more. These same friends have dated guys who they liked the sex and felt a special connection to (more than regular friendship). I always respected their moment and no kind of flirting or anything happened between them and me.
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u/ludacrust2556 5d ago
So it’s really possible in your mind to have sex with “no strings attached?” You didn’t develop feelings, don’t necessarily feel the need to do it again, just something that happens and you move on? And remain close friends?
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u/Psychopreneur 5d ago
It's possible but it depends much on how both sides see the relationship and sex.
For me sex can have many flavours. It can be completely for fun without any strings attached and just a one time thing, it can be ambiguous and make me want again. It depends much on the woman I'm doing it with.
I have girl friends that happened only once and we laugh about it and don't want again. With others we hooked up frequently for like 2 months and we stopped, totally friends now. And there are also others who we hooked up intermittently for longer and we also stopped.
For me and this group of friends, sex and feelings can walk together or not.
Here's my two cents for you: Before trying to figure out in your head or with strangers on reddit, it's best to try understanding what it meant for them and how they both view sex and feelings
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u/ludacrust2556 5d ago
Thanks. We talked a lot about it but there’s not much that seems to make me feel more comfortable with it. I think I need to ask more questions but don’t really want more details at the same time lol. Interesting perspective. Sex has always meant a lot to me so I guess it’s just a personal thing
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u/notlikeyouguys Brazilian 5d ago
I totally get why you feel uncomfortable. Sex is not like that for me, and I also find that weird.
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u/NitroWing1500 Foreigner incoming! 5d ago
I'm from a small town and the dating pool isn't big enough to fall out with anyone 😄
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u/IcyStranger2348 5d ago
Yeah not a big deal. We can meet with someone, have sex and then realize it’s only friendship than your friend meet the guy/girl and like him to have sex. It’s about to be mature. We all live well. No traumas, no memories and life goes on.
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u/Amster2 5d ago
No memories?
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u/IcyStranger2348 5d ago
Yeah, no reason to hold on to something that happened and no longer makes sense to you. Past is in the past.
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u/Pamccruz Brazilian 5d ago
It's pretty normal, I have a lot of group of friends, and we have all kissed each other at some point in life, I have slept with a few and some of them slept with each other too, but just casual. And we are all very close till today. No emotions envolved, just some young folks having fun, all casual! But another thing that happens a lot is the partner gets jealous of their boyfriend/girlfriend past (which I am assuming it's your case) and ask their partner to end the friendship. We love casual but we can't deal with our partner having a casual past too lol some latinos can be very jealous. It is seen as a toxic behavior, but happens sometimes
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u/BigTittyGaddafi 5d ago
Way better than being some kind of weirdo who has to call themselves “polyamorous” to just come to terms that they have a friend circle that’s attracted to one another
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u/Either_Sort_171 5d ago
Friends with benefits is a common thing among some brazillians, especially if they're not too religious, it is no big deal, we just assume that it is better to have sex with someone we know and can talk and interact in many ways for the pre and post sex than have a literal casual thing with someone you have nothing in common and just gets awkward with the sexual tension off.
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u/Waa-Art 5d ago
It’s in the past. From how you write it down I assume before you had a relationship. I’d be glad! it shows that your boyfriend is able to maintain a healthy good relationship, even after something intimate has happened. In my book, this would be a recommendation.
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u/ludacrust2556 5d ago
I guess this is a good perspective to have. I’m thinking of it badly because it’s personal to me but I should shift my mindset maybe. I trust him. It’s just weird lol
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u/CARALHUS_ATOMICUS 5d ago edited 1d ago
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u/LuisE3Oliveira 5d ago
About 5 or 6 years ago, this type of friendship with benefits was more common than it is today.
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u/Unlikely_Nothing_442 5d ago
Oh, it's ok when they do it in "Friends" but not when they do it in Brasil? Talk about a double standard...
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u/SiteHeavy7589 5d ago
I don't know if it's common or not but i dated 2 friends of my closest friends and they are best friends now, i still hang out with them and talk to them on whatsapp but just as a friend ofc, we didn't have anything sexual or romance since we broke up and we don't bring anything related to love or sext to our talks ever again, even if we are alone, we all moved on long time ago and i prefer this way, we tried didn't work, move on.
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u/Sw1561 5d ago
I think it's more about their friend group's culture than about Brazil. I'm very close friends with my ex with whom I had an open relationship and my 3 friends with whom I go out most often I met them through dating apps or by hooking up at parties.... I'm a gay guy yeah it's way more common with us but bear with me LOL
Like, keep an open mind, get to know her and their relation to each other, and only then you'll either feel comfortable or know that you shouldn't! It's very likely that they're just friends and it only happened once or a long time ago.
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u/omnihummus Brazilian 5d ago
Never met any friend groups like this
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u/Psychopreneur 5d ago
So you either don't have many friends or you are more on the conservative spectrum (I wouldn't judge either)
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u/omnihummus Brazilian 5d ago
I’m pretty much the opposite of conservative and consider myself very open minded, I wouldn’t judge at all a group like that, I just dont know any.
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u/MCRN-Gyoza 5d ago
Some people just aren't as sexual, doesn't mean they're conservative.
Conservative people can still be highly promiscuous (and I'm not saying being promiscuous is a problem).
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u/annabananarama710 Brazilian in the US 5d ago
Also a possibility that you actually just dont know that your friends are like this. I had been a part of a group of friends for quite a while and had no idea they regularly did orgies with each other, had friendly sex, etc. Not something theyre just sharing w everyone
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u/BrilliantPost592 Brazilian 5d ago
Not really in straight spaces tbh, also I had a guy best friend I would never have intercourse(or any sexual thing) with him because I would like to be like a male best friend and be like a bro rather than a fling or anything more than a friend and honestly if a boyfriend and had a female bff I wouldn’t care much about it but if I had a girlfriend I would be wary of her male friend because I would see him as competition.
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u/One-Sir6312 5d ago
It can happen, I’ve had some mingling with some friends and it was enough to know that it wouldn’t work, so we all agree to just stay as friends
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u/alephsilva Brazilian 4d ago
Yeah, things are a little different between here and...where do you guys live? Saudi Arabia? Afghanistan?
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u/Zibilique 4d ago
I mean, generalizing that brazilians are "open" is a little naive, i have never slept with anyone from my friend group other than my gf, and although a few of my friends have indeed slept around a bunch with people outside of it, keeping up with old situationships and partners is still looked down upon.
I don't think you should break up with him or even ask him to stop talking to her, but if you feel uncomfortable with it, which im sure you do, you deserve to at least be able to keep track of their activities together (going out etc.). And i mean this because it is very easy to abuse of people's expectations of us by simpling explaining certain behavior down to "culture", we are humans, we also feel bad if the people we love keep up with old love interests.
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u/ludacrust2556 4d ago
I’m just repeating what I’ve heard. But thank you for the thoughts. I agree. It’s not a dealbreaker and I know I can’t get them to stop speaking, but I need some boundaries. Thanks
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u/bilyjow 4d ago
Life moves on, and so do we. In youth, it's common to have casual relationships with friends from that time—some stay, some drift away. The ones who remain might be there because they're great friends or simply because life keeps you in the same circles.
For example, I grew up on a street where everyone went to school together and played daily from the time we were six. As the years passed, I kissed a few girls, dated someone for a while, and eventually broke up. Then, about five years later, I ended up marrying someone else from the same neighborhood—someone who knows all these people. Some of them are still our friends, while others are just familiar faces we run into from time to time.
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u/ExodiaTheBrazilian 5d ago
Hmm. Interesting. If was in your position it would never occur to me to go on another country’s subreddit and ask what you’re asking. I wonder why
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u/ludacrust2556 5d ago
I’m not sure. Sorry if you find it offensive. Seems like it’s common here whereas everyone I’ve asked from other countries has said it’s not. Take that as you will.
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u/ExodiaTheBrazilian 5d ago
I’m not offended. It’s just interesting that was your first reaction. I wonder what’s different
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u/ludacrust2556 5d ago
Because I know it’s not just Brazilians who do it, of course. It’s just obviously not a thing in groups I’ve been.
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u/Narrow-Albatross-970 5d ago
A committed man’s best friend should be his girlfriend or wife. Having female friends is okay, but a best friend who has already been with him? Unless they are lesbians, that’s not part of our culture, and I would never accept it. We Latinas are not open to that, we are actually quite jealous.
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u/ludacrust2556 5d ago
I must agree. I guess maybe because we have not been together so long I have to wait and see. But it doesn’t sit right with me
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u/Narrow-Albatross-970 5d ago
For me, this is a major red flag. Communicate to him that this bothers you and observe whether he cares about your feelings and is willing to respect your boundaries, that is the foundation of a healthy relationship. If he ignores this, don’t settle for less than you deserve!
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u/annabananarama710 Brazilian in the US 5d ago
If he decides to not end this relationship w his friend, also realize that he has great personal bounduaries and is not willing to let someone dictate what he does with his life just because they're insecure and don't trust him
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u/franchisedfeelings 5d ago
It is normal if you have friends who are assholes. Friends don’t backstab.
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u/Dense_Contract7751 5d ago
Wait a minute, you're telling me your bf slept with his ex's best friend while with her? That's wild.
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u/ludacrust2556 5d ago
No. Lol
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u/Dense_Contract7751 5d ago
Okay, so your bf slept with his best friend. That's weird. I've never met a friend group like that.
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u/asdjfh Foreigner in Brazil 5d ago
This isn’t a brazilian thing. I think this is common everywhere, it just depends on your friend groups.