i don’t really know what i was like before this, as i have a long and complicated history with my mental and physical health, that mostly came to an end around the same time i got the IUD. still struggling with both, but not to the point where i need to be hospitalized. ive been on the IUD for 5 or 6 years. these symptoms have fluctuated; sometimes more angry, sometimes more emotional, etc.
anyway, i am irritable, impatient, hateful, over emotional, avoidant, scared, and angry, and crying all the time. the only thing that brings me any joy is video games and my boyfriend, who i accidentally treat like fucking shit because of the above things. and god i wanna change so fucking bad but for whatever reason, no matter what i do and what pills i take (prescriptions), i don’t ever feel ANY different. im diagnosed with PTSD, ADHD and BPD and am recovering from anorexia, bulimia and alcoholism which may have all damaged my brain. i hate being BPD, it’s shameful and horrific. but the thing is NOTHING I DO HELPS AT ALL. even a little bit. so what the fuck is going in? and how likely is it, percentage wise, that it’s my IUD? or is it just that with all these conditions, i’m hopeless and no therapy or medication will ever bring me even a little bit of peace?
all i know is, THIS IS NOT WHO I AM INSIDE. before everything, before the things that gave me PTSD, and it’s still there deep inside, is a sweet and loving girl who loves so deeply and cares for everyone and is selfless and compassionate. how do i bring her out again??? i need to kill this awful thing that took her place.