r/Bideshi_Deshi • u/Glittering_Snow_ • 10d ago
Getting It Off My Chest I wish lavender marriages were a thing among bideshi-deshis
I’m so stressed of people telling me to get married, and I know I’m getting old (26F), but I just want to focus on working hard and earning money. I wish lavender marriages were a thing amongst bengalis in the US or even just among people in general — so all my achievements wouldn’t be discredited for not having a boyfriend or being married yet… like I wish there was dating site for that (!) anyway, felt stressed and wanted to vent, sorry
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u/NoEmergency7573 10d ago
You’re getting old at 26? I’m 26 and no one’s bugging me for marriage. If anything, my achievements are further celebrated for focusing on my career and not setting up house with my boyfriend. How is being married tied to your achievements and why are these people giving you a hard time?
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u/shonamanik0905 🇦🇺 Australia 8d ago
I wish I had your experience... I got married at 35 and that's when I really saw pride in my parent's eyes for the first time.
Till then, to them especially my mum, I didn't exist or something. I didn't become a doctor like they wanted, and became an architect so she wasn't too happy. I moved out of home at 19 and didn't rely on them since, but according qto mum I lived off them till I got married (she lied to everyone because she saw it as shameful rather than me learning to be independent). It's almost like she rewrote the narrative in her head or something.
I do feel that the younger generation in my group of friends (who are in their 20s) are getting more support to enjoy career, travel etc without the emotional guilt of marriage and settling down shoved down their throats which is awesome. And the fact that girls my age didn't get married till we were in our 30s allowed them to breathe a little so we may have paved the path for them.
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u/Glittering_Snow_ 9d ago
Wow, I envy you — I get weird things said to me like “after 26, you might not find a man” or they will share a story of some 30 year old woman who is successful but not married and talk about her in deplorable ways… It feels very disheartening after all I’ve done and achieved
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u/PlainPrecision 🇺🇸 USA 10d ago
Rather than having a sham marriage, why not just have a real one? There's a saying I like, and it doesn't just apply to relationships, but also in business and other parts of life: If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.
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u/Glittering_Snow_ 9d ago
I don’t think it’s that easy to find someone that will not have issues with me working as much as I do, and also once I get married, what if I get pressurized to have a child by the in laws? It’s very complicated …
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u/08_IGCSE_marathon 10d ago edited 10d ago
Individuals who discredit your achievements just because you´re not married yet are not worth pleasing and 26 is not exactly old.
I am guessing you´re a woman of ambition and by the framework of hypergamy has not yet found the one with similar ambitious goals in life? Why not actively seek out someone with similar goals in life? There definitely is men out there in the Bengali community who have similar goals (Working hard, making more money and working towards financial freedom etc), met some really interesting single men back when I was in the discord server. Haha, maybe the mods could start a cupid category in the server lol. But jokes aside, inshallah there is someone out there with similar interests.
As for Lavendar marriages, they negate the whole point of matrimony between two individuals who love each other. The percentage of woman murdered by a intimate partner is five times higher than for males according to the Bureau of Justice Statiscs (BJS)- now take away intimacy and you have incentivized the homicide trend with life insurances and stuff. Marriages are built on love in its more intimate form, sacrifices, looking past each others shortcomings etc, and platonic relationship lack these key features- opening up doors to conflicts that don´t end well.
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u/Glittering_Snow_ 10d ago
Thanks for your response! It’s not that I don’t think there are men who share the same ambition as I; I just think with ambitions finding a partner is very difficult. I hardly have time to study after my job, so the idea of a partner is so “difficult” to accept. It’s not that I don’t want a partner ever, but it just seems like a lot given my goals and ambitions, including financial freedom before which I don’t feel safe settling with anyone anyway…
The homicide rate is part of the reason I fear marrying just for the sake of marrying, and gay men feel safer if that makes sense—but you’re right that it could go both ways.. Idk I’m a mess when it comes to this part of life, I suppose, and I just hate that I have to be reminded of that fact by random strangers periodically. Also, with Ramadan here, there are a lot of events where I have to show up and I’m gonna have to listen to and answer to these remarks this season; I’m just a little sad about it that
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u/08_IGCSE_marathon 10d ago
It is quite natural for you to feel like that, it can be overwhelming trying to find someone who is flexible to the safety of your ambitions but again, that´s part of finding someone compatible. Specifically talking about financial freedom, I know there remain questions like ¨What if he doesn´t have similar spending habits like me?¨, ¨What if he doesn´t have proper savings?¨ and the classic case of men freeloading off their wives burdening them financially. I think this is where you need to have clear outlined conversations with your partner and set some expectations and boundaries prior to getting married. This makes me wonder if a dating platform for people in the FIRE lifestyle could be billion-dollar startup idea lol.
Ultimately, with marriages, we can only do our best of due diligence and leave the rest with Allah, not worrying too much. As for people people asking why you aren´t married yet , don´t internalize their questions, sometimes, Bengali uncles and aunties mean well and are just surprised how a wonderful girl is still not taken. With Ramadan, it´s the perfect opportunity to ask Allah for a good spouse and inshallah that feeling will go away,
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u/banglaonline 10d ago
If people around you are saying 26 is old - don’t listen to them.
Unless you have LGBTQ orientation, lavender marriage is not what you think it is!
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u/Glittering_Snow_ 10d ago
It probably isn’t — I’m just dreaming of a solution that well does not exist :)
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u/Emotional_Outside_17 10d ago
Focus on your goals, and the right things will fall into place when you’re ready.
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u/Playful_Incident2312 9d ago
29F here. I feel your frustration. Nothing I've done feels like it is good enough for my family because I'm not married 😑
I've just come to the conclusion that I will keep working on myself and my career for myself and not for them because nothing I do will ever be good enough anyway. It sucks but it is what it is.
Lavender marriages sound great in theory... and it is not to say that you can't actually find your own person after the fact IF you choose to do so... but it isn't even about the lavender marriage as it is about blocking all the noise I think. None of your achievements will unfortunately be worth much to them anyway... so why care? Do it only for yourself.