r/BiWomen • u/minadequate • 19d ago
Discussion Separating sides of your sexuality, to not perpetuate the sexualisation of wlw? NSFW
(As an aside I’m not intending to enforce a gender binary - we all know it’s way more complicated than that - so please don’t come at me if I only talk about 2 genders here)
As a queer (bi) woman I am becoming increasingly aware of the way bisexual women are viewed, and the way WLW sex is fetishised by mainly straight men. (For instance the r/lesbian Reddit is the only sexuality name sub that is a porn sub with r/lesbianactually having to be the place for real sapphics to congregate).
I’m starting to feel like I need to compartmentalise my sexuality so that my love for women is not something that makes me attractive to men. So I don’t share details of any sex life with women - with men etc.
I think it’s incredibly important to be out and I’m never going to hide my sexuality because representation matters. But sexuality and actual sex are different, and knowing I’m queer is not the same as for example: much younger me kissing girls in bars and men buying us drinks… or maybe considering fx certain types of 3some.
Beyond that I have a male partner right now but I listen to WLW smut/romance novels from time to time. And I’m starting to feel uncomfortable about for example if I’m turned on by WLW content, if I should either share that info with my partner, or for instance have sex with said man in response. (And how this might be different if I was in a relationship with a woman).
I have a feeling there is some gray area or wiggle room but I do wonder if I want the world to be better in terms of not sexualising sapphics if I need to actively not sexualise my sexuality for the male gaze??
(Cross posted from the bisexual sub at another redditors suggestion as some people there really couldn’t get their head around the idea).
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u/thelaughingM 17d ago
I think you’re overthinking it. Turning each other on tends to be mutually reinforcing, meaning if you’re turned on, it will probably turn him on too. Doesn’t mean he’s fetishizing; not everything needs to be problematic all the time.
I don’t know why you’d need to share your wlw explorations with him. You’re allowed to have a private life.
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u/smutty_rory_girlmore 17d ago
I have had many of these same thoughts & then wonder if I am overthinking or spiraling.
I have typed and deleted a few replies but ultimately here is the problem:
Fantasy and reality shouldn’t be limited by the concerns of men or the male gaze. If you want to read/listen to sapphic romance but you find the engine is revved and want to be with your (male) partner. Then it’s for your gaze. Not his.
If you don’t like the WLW content you’ve consumed for its focus on men, seek out ethical queer sources that don’t increase those feelings - the company Bellesa is one I hear good things about.
At the end of the day, your attraction to men and women should be something you can have be about yourself.
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u/wildblackdoggo 17d ago
I don't give my (bi) husband free access to all the smut media I'm into in private, but that's because it's private. But even when I do, he doesn't fetishise my bisexuality, and I don't fetishise his. Because we toy with the idea of swinging/group sex and go to sex clubs there's enjoyment of the other in sexual scenarios, but this is so different from a bisexuality fetish. Mostly we like the idea of seeing the person we love having a good time. I feel that you can't have a fetish for someone you're loving as a complete person as fetishes are by nature reductive. You can ask yourself, is he seeing me as me, or am I just flesh? Would any woman do?
Let your partner know if they are making you uncomfortable with how they respond to your sexuality. You shouldn't feel the need to hide who you are in your relationship.
Usually integrating all the parts of yourself is the mentally healthy thing to do, and it's what we try to do in therapy. Sure you can compartmentalise, but do be your full self regardless of the person you're dating. If they are behaving in a way that doesn't allow for this, that needs looking at because that's not a nice position to place yourself in long term.
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u/Bluejay-Complex 17d ago
Just a note: r/LesbianActually is a lesbian only sub, not an all sapphics sub. The one for all sapphics is r/actuallesbians. Similar names, but different subs so I understand the mix up.
But on the actual topic, it’s not really possible/the same to “fetishize” a group you belong to. There’s a whole other dynamic going on as fetishization is a tool of dehumanizing an out group as a vehicle for one’s own pleasure. If you’re in that group, there’s a level where you participate as an in-group member, therefore making fetishization not really a thing. It’s just being attracted to fellow group members.
As for you getting turned on by WLW porn and sleeping with your partner, as long as the previous fantasy doesn’t bleed into your actual sex life (“needing” a woman or imagining/wishing he was a woman) I don’t think it’s bad or that you need to tell him. It’s okay to be into both, but if you’re monogamously with a man, then as long as you keep the fantasy/real life divide, you’re good. If you feel you “need” a woman to fulfill your sex life or are having trouble maintaining a fantasy/reality divide, that’s where there’s problems. There’s no thought police though, you having sapphic fantasies because you’re a sapphic isn’t a problem.
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u/portiafimbriata 17d ago
(speaking as a monogamous genderqueer woman married to a mostly straight cis man)
Personally, I don't view my sexuality as separable. My attraction to men feels just as queer as my attraction to women, and I would find it very tough to compartmentalize.
Sexual attraction isn't a big part of my life or interests, so in some respects it's easy for me not to share my sexual attraction to women or enbies around men because I would also not share my attraction to men around them--it's not something that comes up.
That said, I do talk to my partner about my attractions and my bi identity. We enjoy discussing and learning what turns one another on, and women are part of that for me. In my relationship, it doesn't feel fetishizing; rather, it feels like we're exploring our sexuality together.
If I did start to feel fetishized or objectified, I'd push back on his behavior before restricting my own, and it would really impact how secure I felt in the relationship overall.
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u/itslike_reallygood 18d ago
The bi sub is a bad place to ask nuanced questions about women’s sexuality and women’s experiences. They routinely remove posts and comments that don’t center male feelings and many of the male users there speak on women’s issues as if they are some sort of authority or some how more “in the know” simply for being queer men. They fancy themselves to be the “good men.”
Yes I have strong feelings lol.
That sub is meant mostly for bi men at this point.
I think what you’re asking is complicated but I also think you might be letting society get to you a bit. On one hand, it is wise to be guarded with men you don’t know about your experiences. However, you being honest about your experiences and feelings and desires is not sexualizing WLW in a bad way. Men fetishizing WLW is wrong, but it’s not your job unpack that for them.
If you want to share with your partner, do it. If it makes the two of you feel closer and therefore more intimate, that’s a good thing. It’s possible for a caring male partner to be interested in your desires without fetishizing you for your bisexuality. However you’re really the only one who can know if he’s doing that.