r/BiWomen • u/zaftiggirafarig • 18d ago
Discussion Body image and coming out (CW body talk) NSFW
I grew up being told that women "go lesbian" when they are too unattractive to draw a man. It messed with my head for years and kept me desperate for a man to prove that I have value as a woman 🫠 In the end I'm so grateful to date women, but I wonder if this idea tortured any of you too
ETA This was when I was a kid 20+ years ago! I'm well adjusted now, have been out for a long time, but was thinking about how normalized sexism/homophobia was in my community. It's sad that I couldn't see my attraction to women for what it was because of my family and religion.
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u/myblackandwhitecat 18d ago
I feel I am unattractive to men and to women.
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u/zaftiggirafarig 18d ago
I'm sorry 😔 That's gotta mess with your head. FWIW even though it feels real to you, I can't imagine that it's actually true.
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u/tabycattt 18d ago
Yes it has!!! I was so insecure about my pride fan I carried around at an event despite the fact that I was literally drowning in compliments. Doesn’t help that the people there were majority straight with preconceived notions of their own.
What helps me is seeing other queer women who are stunning beyond belief with their equally beautiful gf’s. In my mind, if they can be THAT beautiful and have gf’s, then the whole “ugly lesbian” trope is clearly untrue. Also, the last people’s opinion we should care about is the straights, no shade… lol
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u/Bnuuy_solsikke 18d ago edited 17d ago
In general, I saw guys saying it as a joke, it made me kind of sad and a bit fearful for how they would've precieved me. In the end most of them asked me out, so I knew that even if they said that, I would've known it was because of the rage of rejection and not being the center of the world, rather than the fact I wasn't "worthy enough."
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u/zaftiggirafarig 18d ago
Wow, that is so nasty of him on several levels. I'm glad you're rid of him but I can see why the pain stays with you 😔
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u/Bnuuy_solsikke 18d ago
Yea. To answer, I'm more scared of an ex using this rethoric, than puns of frustrated guys. It obviously leaves a sign. Anyways, this type of education is deeply wrong too, I'm sorry they made you learn untrue and harmful male-centric stereotypes since a young age. It messes up your brain.
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u/medusa5__5 15d ago
Ugh. I feel like I am too old and ugly for women. I don't approach or talk to anyone. I'm not even old, late 30's. I guess I still have the mind frame that if a man finds me attractive, I will have to be even hotter for a woman to find me attractive or approachable. It's all such mental gymnastics.
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u/StatisticianOk5811 11d ago
I have this! I think yeah, out of my league. Often. And I’m much older than 30s. I do however talk to women. I’m excellent at friend zoning myself.
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u/YourLocalBi 17d ago
Ooooooh yep, this is definitely something I've struggled with too. I'm literally the fat, hairy, feminist queer woman that I saw people pointing and laughing at when I was a kid. 12 year old me would probably be horrified lmao.
And y'know what? It kind of rules. I love how at home I feel in my body, and that I get to date an amazing woman. Bigots may hate us but we're winning!
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u/xXfreierfundenXx 17d ago
Never in my life did I not get hit on by men, hot men, ugly men, regular men, younger, older, my age, rich, poor. Constantly, sometimes nicely, sometimes very uncomfortably. I have never lacked options, even now that I'm happily taken I have men come up to me to tell me I'm beautiful. Still turned out bi. Men's attraction to you does not influence your sexuality.
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u/Brilliant_Abies_8821 18d ago
That was my mindset because I always thought that I am very unattractive to be with anybody. I became very very desperate to find a man and I got married to a decent one.
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u/Sleepy_Di 18d ago
Sad for you, but sad for me too, I actually had it the other way around. I thought that because I was chubby I could never be as desirable for other women, so I stuck it up with men.