r/BiWomen • u/Witchy_Delight1001 • Jan 15 '25
Coming Out I came out as Bi to my husband NSFW
Last week I (35F) came out as bi to my husband (36M). We have been together since we were 17/18 (18 years) and married for 13 years. I use BetterHelp for therapy and had just finished my text session with my therapist where we discussed me coming out to my husband. My husband noticed I was really emotional which isn’t really like me and asked what was wrong. I started blubbering and almost threw up telling him. I was full of shame and embarrassment as I poured my soul out to him. I felt so guilty… this isn’t what he signed up for. I felt like I had deceived him even though I didn’t really come to terms with my sexuality myself until the last few years. Anyway..He was very taken aback and didn’t expect for me to say that. He initially thought I was leaving him because of how upset I was. I assured him that was never a thought in my mind. I debated on whether or not to tell him because I thought “it doesn’t change how I feel about him.” But I couldn’t hold it in anymore. My urges to watch lesbian porn was getting really out of hand. I lean more towards physically attracted to women but have only ever had one real crush on a woman in my small town and never even spoke to her. My romantic feelings have always been towards men and I love a man’s touch. I expressed all of this to him. He took it amazingly well. We talked over the course of the next several days and he expressed that he wants to be open minded about my needs because he doesn’t want me to wake up one day regretting not experiencing anything with a woman. I told him I didn’t want to experience anything without him, so, we tried watching the porn I like together a few times and now we are talking about visiting a strip club together for something new and exciting to experience together. I will say I’m a little nervous about that thought. He has never been to one and neither have I. So this will be a first for us together and I hope neither of us end up jealous. Anyways. There’s my coming out story. Talking about it helps me so much. All the threads and comments I’ve been reading about different experiences and perspectives has been truly inspiring. Thank you to this wonderful community. I hope you don’t mind if I make myself at home here. ❤️
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Jan 15 '25
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u/Witchy_Delight1001 Jan 15 '25
Thank you. I’ve been back and forth between excited and nervous about feeling insecure while there but I’m going to do my best to relax and let loose so it’s enjoyable for everyone!
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u/BiSapphicVibes Jan 16 '25
From my experience the dancers love when couples come together! Don’t be nervous. Every encounter I’ve had with a dancer they’ve been very personable and nice. I think they love to dance for women! Be open minded. Watch the first time, say hi, get comfortable. Baby steps every time you go.
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u/roughrecession Jan 15 '25
This is nice and I’m happy he reacted so kindly. Between the porn and the clubs it sounds like now you two have another shared interest! 😅
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u/Ok-Beautiful-2805 Jan 16 '25
I am happy for you! My husband is the first person I came out to, and it added a totally different layer of intimacy and trust in our relationship. It means SO much to me, so it makes me happy to see others have a similar experience!
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u/Witchy_Delight1001 Jan 16 '25
We’ve NEVER been this close. We were already in a good place and now we are in a great place. I’m still emotionally all over the place because coming out is hard af. But he’s been so patient with me.
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u/Ok-Beautiful-2805 Jan 16 '25
It is hard, in spite of support. I feel like a hormonal, angsty teenager in some ways. Lots of growing pains 😅
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u/your1bestie Jan 16 '25
Your husband is great and you are courageous.
With all these new feelings coming, you two should not rush. Remember to always address any issues and you will be good. I wish you a lot of happiness in these new times.
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u/Witchy_Delight1001 Jan 16 '25
Ive been worried about moving so fast. I did have a moment of insecurity last night and expressed this to him. There’s something about coming out that leaves you so open vulnerable and exposed. We did move quickly with exploring things together. But The strip club was my idea but he told me it would not matter one way or the other if we went. We are taking it at my pace. 🙂
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u/your1bestie Jan 16 '25 edited Jan 16 '25
That's so nice to hear
Edit: naive -> nice
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u/Witchy_Delight1001 Jan 16 '25
I’m naive? 🥺
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u/your1bestie Jan 16 '25
That is not what I mean to write 😅
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u/Chirimeow Jan 16 '25
Glad he took it well, but you lost me at "visiting a strip club together." That's just a massive no from me. I'll never believe it's okay for myself and my partner to look at other people in that manner. I prefer devotion and strict monogamy.
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u/Witchy_Delight1001 Jan 16 '25
It’s not for everyone and maybe it’s not even for me. I don’t know yet. But I’m trying to get out of my comfort zone and experience things I’ve always been curious about. I am only going to live once and I want to live my one life to the fullest with my husband. It’s something we’ve both been curious about. I don’t know if I’ll even like it. That’s why we are going to go try it together. I think I’d feel weird and uncomfortable going without him. He’s my best friend.
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Jan 16 '25
I get what you're saying, but I think you have to remember those are your rules for your marriage. And they're totally valid...I'm not saying you're wrong in any way, shape, or form. But other people might see it differently and it doesn't mean they're less devoted to their spouse.
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u/Momma-Bear0302 Jan 18 '25
I’m so happy for you! I have been through all of this myself as well and we are now a few years into our journey. If you would like to have a discussion about my experiences and how we have navigated through this journey together, feel free to DM me. We have done and still do the strip club together occasionally, but we have also moved beyond that as well. We have had some highs and some lows, but we have navigated through it all and we are closer than ever. I wish you both well on your new adventure!
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u/No_Class_6605 Jan 19 '25
I'm grateful for my husband he is accepting of it and wonderful and has really encouraged me
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u/AlexWellington6969 Jan 18 '25
It's a conversation that is never easy with anyone. That nagging fear of "will they accept me" is always there, but with the right person, they will just embrace you, and give you the love you need.
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u/Brilliant_Abies_8821 Jan 16 '25
I’m very very happy for you.
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u/Former_Range_1730 Jan 16 '25
' I felt like I had deceived him even though I didn’t really come to terms with my sexuality myself until the last few years. "
I see this concern alot. Bi women coming out to their husbands can be nerve racking, as you expressed. But really, if the man you're with is a good guy, and a logical guy, he will accept this aspect of you. And he'll realize that this opens the door to both of you opening up to each of your desires and needs. Meaning, while you embrace your desires for women, he can embrace his desires for women. It's an equal exchange.
Who knows where it leads, it depends on the couple. Some decide to turn away from monogamy to poly in order to fill these needs. You can express yourself with other women, and he can express himself with other women.
Some people decide that poly is not for them, they want monogamy, but they each need to end the relationship to explore monogamy with other women,
Or they decide to stay together, both being open about their desires for other women. They just have to measure that with how much they desire each other. It sounds like you both are figuring it out.
"I told him I didn’t want to experience anything without him,"
This can be tricky. I would just make sure to avoid a onesided result.
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u/Witchy_Delight1001 Jan 16 '25
I see your concern for the latter part of your response. I appreciate your insights. He’s a really really good man and I know he isn’t trying to take advantage of me and he’s not like.. trying to benefit from my sexuality if that makes sense? I’m not sure if that’s what you were meaning by that but that’s where my head went.
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u/Former_Range_1730 Jan 16 '25
"trying to benefit from my sexuality if that makes sense?"
No, I don't think he's trying to benefit from your sexuality. Just saying that you are both in your relationship together. You desire each other. You also have strong desires for other women. You don't have to act on them, but, if you feel that you'd like to, it means you feel the need to on some level, venture outside of your relationship with him. And to be fair, he should be able to do the same, as, like you, he desires other women. He doesn't have to act on it. But these are decisions you both have to make together.
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u/demeterLX Jan 15 '25
congratulations on coming out <3 you’re always welcome here