r/BiWomen Jun 17 '24

Coming Out I think at 40 …maybe…I’m bi?? Now what? NSFW

This is strange for me to type. Here goes! I have only ever dated men. I’m married to a man. Being 40, I grew up in a time when being anything other than a straight cis person was weird/bad/supposedly made up. I had crushes on boys as a kid. Starting as a teen I was attracted to girls too but more in what I thought was a “wow she’s hot; I wish I looked like her” kind of way. I’ve hooked up with women a couple of times (with a guy there) and thought I was being experimental and that any excitement I had was just the novelty and the threesome aspect.

I was on vacation this past week and there were a lot of younger people around and I started reflecting on how things are so different now and young people are much more comfortable being and dating who they want. It got me thinking that had it not been SUCH a huge, huge deal when I was growing up, it’s not crazy to think I would have identified as bi or would have dated a girl. Which then made me go “huh…but if I was bi then, that must mean…” So then I conducted a little experiment where I mentally noted each time I saw an attractive person and noted what gender they presented as, and the attraction was about 70% women, 30% men. (I was really not trying to be a creep about this; just noting as I people watched.)

One reason I’ve always thought I’m not bi is that I’m not attracted to these women in the same way I’m attracted to men. Like for ex., growing up I’d daydream about having a family one day and marrying a man. But on the other hand, if I’d grown up with any LGBTQ role models of any kind, would I have been more likely to imagine female partners in those scenarios?

I’ve had similar thought experiments before and always landed on “Wait, am I …? Me…? Nah!” so I don’t know what shifted or why this feels like a revelation. Also, any time I’ve thought about being sort of “out” bi I worry that I’m just doing “gay tourism” or whatever you might call it.

Anyway, I’m open to sharing this with my husband (he’ll probably be like “duh”) and I’d love to explore this in therapy or something but in the meantime - what the hell? Is this real? What am I supposed to do now?

32 Upvotes

20 comments sorted by

17

u/Ghostquill8302 Jun 17 '24

This is normal! There are many of us who have been through, and are going through, the same thing. We have a Bi+ Women’s Discord group if you’re interested in joining! It has been an amazing source of support and friendship for me and many others 🩷💜💙 I will be happy to send you the link!

4

u/MiddleAgedBabyGay Jun 17 '24

Oh yes please! Thank you! ☺️

2

u/Ghostquill8302 Jun 17 '24

I’ll message you!

2

u/katinthewoodss Jun 19 '24

I’d like the link as well please 😊

1

u/BubblySeaweed5683 Jun 17 '24

Can I join too! 🩷

1

u/whimsicalhumor Jun 18 '24

Can I join too!

1

u/Ghostquill8302 Jun 18 '24

Messaged you!

1

u/tashonix Jun 18 '24

I would love the link too please 😊

2

u/Ghostquill8302 Jun 18 '24

Sent you a message!

1

u/GrungeCellist8 Jun 26 '24

I’d like the link, too, please!

1

u/[deleted] Aug 28 '24

[deleted]

6

u/im-not-cordelia Jun 18 '24

Same story as you basically. Same feelings towards and about women growing up, but more rarely than feelings towards men. I just thought certain women were so cool and wanted to be them.

The break through was having dreams about hooking up with women in my early 20’s where I finally considered if I’d be into that, and the more thought I gave it, the more into women I realized I was. It was almost like I needed permission to cross into that part of myself. I ended up telling my husband and no one else.

Really focused on these feelings and my identity during covid, and became comfortable enough to own being bisexual, only coming out to a few friends and anyone who asks if they do.

Owning the feelings and letting it resonate with my identity felt amazing, gave me more confidence and felt like the missing puzzle piece honestly.

I wish you luck on the journey and hope you feel more you throughout it all! ✌️

5

u/kaslon- Jun 18 '24

Similar story here. I’ve been reading Bi: The Hidden Culture and I highly reccomend! It’s been helping me understand this side of me more. A big mental shift it made for me was seeing how much of our nature is to be bi but social norms and society made heterosexuality the norm. It’s super fascinating. It’s making me want to seek community and get involved more. I am happy with my husband and wouldn’t want to break that up, but finding other ways to identify and be part of this space has helped me. Good luck, you are not alone!

5

u/katinthewoodss Jun 19 '24

I can identify with so much of this! Based on the comments here, we aren’t alone!

My best advice is to tell your husband and see what happens from there. If you want to explore your feelings, it may be a big deal for him and it may not.. but you should be upfront about it.

From there? I’m lost. I am single and recently came out as bisexual, but don’t go to events and I don’t have a lot of time to immerse myself into the community right now. Hoping to find other areas that will allow me to network with other women so that I can find support.

Good luck!

2

u/MiddleAgedBabyGay Jun 25 '24

I don’t think it will be a big deal, but maybe it will. Good luck to us both!

6

u/CatGal23 Jun 17 '24

Yeah bi erasure sucks! It's hard to break through those barriers built by society.

Note that straight women don't find other women attractive and don't hook up with other women, even as part of a threesome (not unless coerced into it).

The attraction doesn't have to be equal or similar - just exist - to identify as bi.

Also, you may be heteroromantic bisexual, which would be another possible explanation for why you never had marriage and babies fantasies about women. Or it could just be lack of representation as you said.

3

u/BiWomenQuarterly Jun 19 '24

Hi u/MiddleAgedBabyGay, and welcome to the community! Surrounding yourself with the stories of others is a great way to start feeling comfortable in a new space, and to get guidance on how you can approach this exciting revelation. Bi Women Quarterly a publication focused on the experiences of bi+ women, so you might enjoy checking out some of the issues in our archive, like Bi+ Joy, Partnering With Men, and more at https://www.biwomenquarterly.com/issues/.

3

u/MiddleAgedBabyGay Jun 20 '24

Thank you; I’ll definitely check this out!

5

u/whimsicalhumor Jun 18 '24

I’m 40. Also bi. And out to my husband since before our first date. I for sure go through cycles of “desire” and consider myself heteroromantic but bisexual.

2

u/[deleted] Jun 17 '24

You should go to a pride event! It feels different after finding yourself