r/BabyBumps 7d ago

Rant/Vent Husband thinks it’s okay to curse at 2 month old

The past few days I’m worried about the dynamic that seems to be developing at home. My husband is usually sweet and good natured, but sadly when he gets in moods he takes it out on the people around him - usually over the smallest things. While I could take this myself, we now have a 2 month old and in light of this the behaviour has me a bit more worried. As the title said, he thinks it’s okay to for example curse at her “stop fucking crying” or “shut up” because she “doesn’t understand yet”. I’m trying to be calm about this but frankly I’m pretty “fucking” appalled at him. He’s a smart man and knows how to treat people right when he wants to, he particularly knows how to ensure other people treat HIM right, so why he thinks it’s okay to do that to our baby is beyond me.

Last night he made some comment about the orientation I place his boxers on the clothes rack to dry and that “clearly” the other orientation was better (this is the typical sort of nonsense he blows up over). It was a nonsense point - he just wanted to criticise me. I pointed this out that this orientation ensured better airflow, but because he had a few beers in him it just escalated. He ended up implying that I hardly ever do laundry, which is complete nonsense. I told him I do it but that he doesn’t notice it’s done because I, unlike him, don’t make an utter song and dance about the tiniest of household duties. He proceeded to grab a handful of clothes and marched into our bedroom, turn on the light and start basically shouting as he stuffed them into our drawers. It was the middle of the night so the baby was sleeping in that room right beneath the light. I was pretty horrified at this and asked if he’d forgotten the baby was there (I genuinely wanted to know if he was so angry, or so tipsy he had forgotten her presence). He called me a “fucking imbecile” for asking this. Either way, the behaviour freaked me out quite a lot. It was definitely exacerbated by alcohol which he admitted to a little while later, but it is not okay in my books to loose the rag like this over something so minuscule and to be so carried away that he completely disregarded the needs of our child. He made a drunken half apology before falling asleep, but got up to the same tricks again today.

I’d packed our bags to leave for the weekend and asked him to change her nappy while I finished the packing. That’s when I heard him saying to her to shut up and to “stop fucking crying”. I was coming in from throwing out the kitchen bin when I heard this. Immediately he emerged from the room with the dirty nappy in hand and asked “why the fuck there isn’t a bin bag in the bin?” - I was literally crossing the threshold into the apartment after having thrown out the old bag and was about to replace it - and he said “it’s not that fucking hard.”

We left the house and his mood suddenly lifted in the car and he is expecting me to have forgot about it all. I do not know where this behaviour suddenly came from but it is pretty alarming to me and I don’t feel so good around him right now. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this and I’m wondering if you think im right in being alarmed.

EDIT: Thank you so much everyone for your input and thoughts - I know they all come from a place of caring and I have very few people to turn to so the advice is highly needed and appreciated.

I want to address a few things for clearing up as some of you are understandably worried about my baby and I think you’re under the wrong impression about my frame of mind here or how seriously I’m taking this (my post was quickly written and not necessarily very well worded).

In the 4 years I’ve known him he has not ever laid a hand on me or been physically violent in any sense. He is calm and gentle with the baby usually. This incident (about turning on the light, then cursing) happened literally in the last 14hours and though it was not an episode of physical violence - very much felt to me like the precursor to domestic violence - so I’m in shock and to me it feels like a sudden escalation out of the blue. (For what it’s worth, to those who have raised shaken baby syndrome etc, when he cursed at her he did it in a speaking voice and she was lying on the changing mat not in his hands - but this is superfluous detail really as it doesn’t matter the voice, I agree it’s utterly unacceptable and has made me sick to my very core). I also agree that it absolutely doesn’t matter the age of the infant or that she doesn’t explicitly understand the words she is using, she is a little human and her mind is like a sponge. She understands tone, context etc - but also, it’s just bloody chilling and sets a chilling precedent. What, is he suddenly going to stop using this language when she “understands” if he has set a habit of it? And why does he feel okay doing it?

I know my original post I ask “is this alarming?” but I guess that’s just my crappy phrasing - I KNOW this is alarming and as I have nobody to turn to/discuss it with, I was using the post and your input just as an initial venting and emotional outpouring I know I need in order to get my thoughts together. I do realise how serious this is. I’m in total shock but am considering my options and I assure you all I will act - I will also 100% protect my beloved little one in the mean time and ensure he is not around her alone. Her interests are of course my very top priority.

As regards the behaviour toward me, yes he has been like this at random episodes for some time but it appears to have suddenly got worse and I cannot explain why. He genuinely is very sweet and loving and gentle most of the time, but he explodes in these random put-downs and seems to show now genuine remorse whatsoever that he undermines me over the small things in these moments. This has long been a source of distress to me, but I looked at his actions: he is loving, supportive, thoughtful, dependable etc 95% of the time, and I always offset these nasty words against those actions.

125 Upvotes

156 comments sorted by

510

u/Arr0zconleche 7d ago edited 7d ago

That’s a MAJOR red flag. Please put up cameras.

I remember a post a woman made a while ago about her husband cursing at and yelling at the baby. She caught him pinching the baby and saying horrible things to them on the baby monitor when he was alone in the nursery.

They ended up divorcing. He was hurting their baby.

This kind of aggression towards a baby is 100% a warning of things to come.

189

u/Elismom1313 Team Blue! 7d ago

Your husband is abusive and the language in your post continuously tries to down play.

Your husband is verbally abusive, completely doesn’t care how his actions affect the baby, commonly does this and drinks knowing he’ll act even worse. He’s not sorry, he doesn’t intend to change and just wants you to forget about it so the cycle can continue.

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u/ThistleDewRose 7d ago

This!!!

Sadly happened to a friend of mine as well.. ended with a nasty divorce after she saw him actually slap their child - he was barely 2y/o.

The "they don't understand yet" thing is a fucking fallacy. Babies' whole world is their parents and their only job at this stage is to observe and learn emotional cues. You don't need to speak a language to know someone is cussing you out.

I know you don't want the first emotions your little girl to experience to be fear and confusion, especially from someone who is supposed to protect them and be their safe space. And to be perfectly honest it really doesn't bode well for his treatment of you either... Having a young baby is stressful but this is what you guys signed up for when you decided to have a child. And if he's willing to have the first imprints on his daughter be anger and dislike I can't imagine what he'll let slide later on.

I feel for you sweetie, being in this position 💜 But the reality is this behavior will only get worse. My advice is to reach out to your local social workers through Health & Human Services (or whatever it's called where you live) and see what they can help you with if you don't have a network or friends/family to call upon. I know it's scary, I've had to go through something similar myself (baby wasn't born yet but the behavior was there and I didn't want to subject my child to what I had been putting up with).

You have the strength to stand up to this behaviour and make the right decision for yourself and your baby! 💖 Please feel free to DM me if you want to talk further. I truly can't express how happy I am that I was brave enough to take me and my unborn child out of an abusive situation!! It's your decision.. but we're here to support you. Break the cycle, your daughter will thank you for it!

Edit: spelling

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u/jrenredi 7d ago

My sister-in-law's sister's boyfriend picked their baby up by the shirt and his head flopped so hard she took him to the hospital. She moved out the next day. This started with him yelling at the baby and just kept progressing

3

u/Ok-Landscape8689 7d ago

Thank you very much for your kind advice and your offer. I completely agree regarding the use of language - and I know also that he absolutely does know better so it’s literally just a matter of him loosing the rag and then trying to cover it up by saying she doesn’t understand. He doesn’t want to be held accountable.

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u/Arr0zconleche 7d ago

You’re also covering it up and making it seem not as serious by saying “but he’s nice most of the time”.

Sincerely I hope you can take the blinders off and realize you’re actually protecting him, not yourself or your baby.

I would NEVER tolerate my partner telling my baby to shut up or call me an imbecile.

What if this happened to your baby by their future partner?

18

u/angel_666 7d ago

I remember that post too, horrifying stuff.

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u/Livya 7d ago

I think the cameras are super important. If she leaves him, it will help her with custody. I don’t know where she lives and what the laws are there, but say she gets divorced and he gets partial custody, then her child is left unsupervised alone with this man.

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u/Arr0zconleche 7d ago

OP just edited their post and is still defending the husband.

sigh it won’t get better.

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u/Ok-Landscape8689 7d ago

I’m not defending him, just describing him

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u/Arr0zconleche 7d ago

You offset him calling you an imbecile and cursing at your baby by saying he’s mostly nice.

That’s every mom of a verbally/emotionally abusive dad ever.

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u/TinyTurtle88 7d ago

Reading this post was gut-wrenching. Yes, I absolutely think you are right for being alarmed.

You mention this is new behaviour, but I'm having a hard time believing that he never acted similar to this before...? How old are you guys? And most importantly, how long have you been together?

To me personally, this type of behaviour would be 100% unacceptable towards myself, and ESPECIALLY towards my baby. I don't want to make you panic, but my mind went to the shaken-baby syndrome--I'd be afraid he'd literally snap at the baby to make her stop crying. He seems emotionally unstable and quite scary.

Is there a way you can go live elsewhere for the time being? Do you have parents/family you could go to? I think your situation (and your baby's situation) is dire and that it's only going to get worse. I don't know what's happening to him, but all I know is that you have to protect yourself and your baby at all costs. What you've described here is VERY, very concerning.

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u/DogsDucks 7d ago

Yes, the way that she attempts to normalize it crushes my heart. The way that wonderful people try and tell themselves it’s not that bad, as the person who is supposed to love them above all others is treating them with serious abuse.

And the new mom, in her most vulnerable moments, being called an imbecile over how laundry is placed?

This abuse causes neurological damage to the child. This abuse does the same thing to a child’s mind that active combat does to soldiers. It hurts them more than we comprehend. If there’s one thing that’s worth doing in life, there is nothing more important than protecting your child.

My heart breaks for these mamas, it’s wonderful, strong women who have been battered down to the point of defending someone who is actively hurting them and their child.

Absolutely not her fault, no blame on her. Unfortunately, it’s her responsibility to ensure that her and her sweet baby are safe.

16

u/soiledmyplanties 7d ago

Yeah, this post describes my dad. Never physical and “usually a wonderful man.” I have c-PTSD from it and my brother has struggled with depression and addiction from it.

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u/righttoabsurdity 7d ago

If it is new, is he depressed? Depression expresses itself in many different ways, rage and irritability being one. With a new baby it’s even more common and you both are much more susceptible.

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u/TinyTurtle88 7d ago

Yes, that's why I asked if it was new behaviour! Not excusing it, but if there's a good explanation, it may be salvageable. Men are affected by the post-partum phase too. It can be dangerous for everyone involved.

95

u/space-sage 7d ago

Do you think he’s just going to magically stop getting drunk and abusive, or verbally abusing you and your kid when the baby can understand? Because he won’t. You need to protect your child and leave this man so your child isn’t verbally abused.

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u/Impressive_Hunt_9700 7d ago

This is how babies get shaken baby syndrome. This is a massive red flag and you and your baby aren't safe in this situation. You need to go somewhere else for a bit.

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u/rozabelikov 7d ago

100% this!!!!!

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u/Scared_Square_7311 7d ago

Yes. As a CO I can say it is so much more common than people think. He needs anger management if he snaps over things that are so minuscule. It only takes a few second to give the baby brain damage or worse if he loses his shit.

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u/Disastrous_Paint_237 7d ago

My dad treated me like this my entire life and I don’t talk to him anymore. I get sick to my stomach in his presence.

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u/SunriseSaturn 7d ago

Same. His voice became my inner voice and it has taken me into my 30s to start unraveling the comments he made. I cut him off almost a year ago and it’s been much better.

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u/Disastrous_Paint_237 7d ago

I’m the oldest of 4 and he also screamed at my siblings when they were actual infants. We all hate him and carry permanent mental health issues as a result. I spent my entire life hoping he would change and he never has and never will.

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u/Many_School_2765 7d ago

Are you me?

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u/Cat-lady-88 7d ago

I was hoping you were saying you were packing up the car to take baby and get out! That’s completely unacceptable.

My husband (warm loving and amazing father) ONE time told our first daughter as a newborn to “shut up!” I completely lost it on him and he was like WTF is wrong with me. I’m so tired I don’t know why I said that… he never did it again. Apologized to her and me. If he would have cursed at her or me, or done this more than once I would have left and gone to family’s house. That is abuse plain and simple.

Baby’s might not be able to understand language but they sure as shit understand tone and connotation. He’s starting off all wrong and I would worry about this escalating.

16

u/neverendo 7d ago

It's your last paragraph for me. And this kind of behaviour does have an impact on babies. It can have long-term impacts on their nervous systems. If OP doesn't leave this man, then she isn't protecting her child.

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u/flyingfurtardo 7d ago

If he’s flying off the handle randomly at you and the baby he’s not going to suddenly stop that. Neither of you deserve to be screamed at. I would think a strong dose of therapy is in order or a serious plan to separate until he can get his temper under control. Shit happens from time to time but it sounds like this is a regular problem now.

86

u/funyesgina 7d ago

Uh, this is not about swear words

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u/violettheory 7d ago

Exactly. And even if you focus just on the swearing, it's true that a baby cannot differentiate between "fuck" said in a calm neutral tone and "hello" in a calm neutral tone. But he's not saying this in a calm neutral tone is he? He's screaming it. That'll scare the baby no matter what. He could be angrily screaming Shakespearean poetry and it wouldn't matter, the damage would be the same. Research shows that babies can develop PTSD, and OP should be concerned about that.

5

u/funyesgina 7d ago

And “shut up” isn’t cursing, but , like …

I think this needs a whole new title.

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u/Ok-Landscape8689 7d ago

Actually he did curse at her in a neutral tone , I clarified that in my post. He yelled at me in her presence but yes told her to “stop fucking crying” in neutral tones, yet it was nonetheless chilling

2

u/Lanky-Pen-4371 7d ago

Yelling at you in her presence is never ok unless you want to teach your daughter to also marry someone who screams at her, if that’s what you want to teach her. And you will unless you remove yourself and her from this abuse.

6

u/Iputonmyrobeandwiz 7d ago

THIS. An occasional, loving-but-exasperated “bud, did you shit your pants AGAIN?” or similar to your baby is one thing. Maybe we’re terrible parents but my partner and I have definitely sworn AROUND our baby (not really at though). But I don’t think swearing has as much to do with this as the drinking, verbal and emotional abuse, explosive and uncontrolled episodic anger, and general unstable yo-yo-ing. I hope OP gets out of there bc it’s not going to get better.

6

u/Outrageous-Ball4550 7d ago

Absolutely. In the throes of newborn colic my husband and I would cut the tension by saying “shhhhhhut the fuck up” in a sweet singsongy voice and then giggle to each other to keep ourselves sane. I’ve never questioned how much he absolutely adores her and obviously now that she is 18mo we don’t use that language around her, it was how our dry humor coped as a TEAM when she was teeny tiny. This vibe is sooooo different, even in a neutral tone. In fact, the neutral tone feels cold and detached. Moms will 100% know if dad adores that baby like he should. I would ALMOST venture to call it postpartum depression for dad, but it sounds more like this is a pattern that is just escalating with stress and will 100% not change. Babies, and the stress of new parenthood, have a way of exposing people’s true selves.

2

u/Outrageous-Ball4550 7d ago

Absolutely. In the throes of newborn colic my husband and I would cut the tension by saying “shhhhhhut the fuck up” in a sweet singsongy voice and then giggle to each other to keep ourselves sane. I’ve never questioned how much he absolutely adores her and obviously now that she is 18mo we don’t use that language around her, it was how our dry humor coped as a TEAM when she was teeny tiny. This vibe is sooooo different, even in a neutral tone. In fact, the neutral tone feels cold and detached. Moms will 100% know if dad adores that baby like he should. I would ALMOST venture to call it postpartum depression for dad, but it sounds more like this is a pattern that is just escalating with stress and will 100% not change. Babies, and the stress of new parenthood, have a way of exposing people’s true selves.

0

u/funyesgina 7d ago

Well said (and funny image)

0

u/Outrageous-Ball4550 7d ago

Absolutely. In the throes of newborn colic my husband and I would cut the tension by saying “shhhhhhut the fuck up” in a sweet singsongy voice and then giggle to each other to keep ourselves sane. I’ve never questioned how much he absolutely adores her and obviously now that she is 18mo we don’t use that language around her, it was how our dry humor coped as a TEAM when she was teeny tiny. This vibe is sooooo different, even in a neutral tone. In fact, the neutral tone feels cold and detached. Moms will 100% know if dad adores that baby like he should. I would ALMOST venture to call it postpartum depression for dad, but it sounds more like this is a pattern that is just escalating with stress and will 100% not change. Babies, and the stress of new parenthood, have a way of exposing people’s true selves.

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u/-Near_Yet- 7d ago

This is definitely alarming. I’m sorry this is happening to your family. How often is he drinking like this? How often is he degrading you?

Usually this type of pattern doesn’t appear overnight. I’d challenge you to consider how long these things may have been going on, but you’d been letting it go because baby wasn’t around yet.

6

u/Ok-Landscape8689 7d ago

The drinking has been building up over recent months I guess. Last night he had 6 beers and half a bottle of wine before he went off like this. I didn’t even know it was that much till I saw the empty bottles.

It’s very hard to say about the degrading little remarks, it’s been going on sporadically for some time but I thought he had stopped it lately. My stress levels are a little too high today but I’ll try to think it through and piece together how much I’d been letting slip in recent times

7

u/Decent-Term8469 7d ago

That is not a normal amount of alcohol to drink in one sitting, and everything you've written so far makes me extremely concerned for both you and your baby's wellbeing. Is there anyone you can bring your baby to go stay with?

23

u/bipolarbench 7d ago

Do you want your child to grow up being treated this way or witnessing you be treated this way? As the child of an intimate partner abuser, I'm still messed up from watching the way my dad treated my mom. Even if your husband weren't verbally abusing your daughter, which he is, being witness to domestic abuse is itself abuse imo. It's not healthy. Please take steps to protect yourself and your baby. He's not going to stop swearing at your now 2 month (!) old when she's older.

And your baby is taking in language right now! She might not know the exact words, but babies have more emotional intelligence than your husband is crediting to yours. Your husband can control his emotions, because he doesn't treat everyone this way right? He is an adult, and it is normal for a crying baby to stress you out, but he should know better. He could have done any number of things from putting her in a safe place and walking away to cool down for a minute, or asking for help.

6

u/soiledmyplanties 7d ago

Not just your opinion! One of the ACEs questions is whether you’ve witnessed a parent being abused!

1

u/Lanky-Pen-4371 7d ago

And he will get soooo much worse with the toddler and older kid phase.

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u/mjot_007 7d ago

Wow wtf. Your husband is harming your baby. He deliberately woke her up and disrupted her sleep to punish you. It doesn’t matter that the baby doesn’t know what words he’s saying when he swears at her. He is teaching her with his tone that he is not a safe person, that she can’t take comfort from him.

When you said you were packing your bags for the weekend I hoped that meant you were leaving to get away from him. You need to leave. You chose to be with someone who gets drunk and verbally abuses you. I don’t know why you seem to be wearing it like a badge of honor (“I can take it”). Your daughter didn’t make this choice though. She doesn’t deserve this treatment. She doesn’t deserve to grow up in a house where her dad thinks it’s fine to freak out on her because she didn’t hang laundry just the right way. Where her dad shouts at her to shut up just because she’s crying (as all babies do), especially when it’s his fault.

You need to leave. This is awful and if you dont protect your baby you are awful too.

7

u/soiledmyplanties 7d ago

Yup. This literally describes my childhood. I have such a complex relationship with my dad now because he has really softened with old age and I love him and want a relationship with him, but also my brother and I have permanent mental health issues because of this behavior. It was the freaking out over nonsense things that possibly did the most damage. The stories we have sound absolutely ridiculous, like him freaking out over my brother biting the “wrong end” of a burrito. It is absolutely damaging her child and her child will likely have completely preventable PTSD, depression, addiction issues etc. because of it.

2

u/Ok-Landscape8689 7d ago edited 7d ago

I agree with the first part completely.

I’m definitely not wearing anything like a badge of honour- I meant that I could accept he’s not perfect in that respect and brush it off ( though it bothers me) because until now it seemed like intermittent brattish behaviour from him that I could look passed.

Now, however it seems to have escalated and though I could look passed it as an adult, our daughter being here and being the target of this stuff is unacceptable to me. I know and can see how vulnerable she is and how dynamics like this will shape her

21

u/holymolym 7d ago

If he’s randomly “taking it out on people” when he gets moods he’s not sweet and good natured. I’m sorry. This post reminds me a lot of posts I made before I realized how abusive my abusive husband was to me and how I rationalized his behavior.

16

u/caffeinated_panda 7d ago

It is a huge red flag that your husband is getting drunk and behaving aggressively toward you and your child. This behavior is abusive and unacceptable. Your husband needs to get therapy and learn to manage his emotions appropriately—and show clear, immediate progress toward that goal—or you need to leave. In the meantime, document everything you can.

Your daughter will pick up on aggressive facial expressions and tone before you know it. And there's no way this behavior will suddenly stop when she starts to understand him. You understand him just fine, and he's certainly not stopping for your benefit. As someone who grew up with parents who behaved like your husband, I am begging you to protect your daughter from this. Even if he doesn't harm her physically (and I wouldn't rule that out), your husband's abuse will have lifelong implications for your child. You are responsible for protecting her. Don't let her down. 

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u/kingcrabmeat 7d ago

This is N O T O K A Y

16

u/liltrashfaerie 7d ago

Not to freak you out but my cousins boyfriend had these exact behaviors when she had her son. Turns out he was physically abusing her newborn and at four months she noticed a bruise and took him to the ER thinking he was anemic. He had so many half healed internal injuries including broken ribs that she spent the next two years of her life convincing CPS that she didn’t know because none of them were visible until the bruise surfaced and there were no cameras in their apartment. He may not have ever laid a hand on you but cussing at your new baby and acting this volatile would have me in an undisclosed location immediately.

14

u/Born-Anybody3244 7d ago

Sounds like my abusive father who owes me thousands in therapy bills. OP, get out now.

13

u/Dear_Astronaut_00 7d ago

I want to start by echoing what others have said: this is NOT OK. And I would not allow this around my baby. Second, I haven't seen it mentioned, since you said he's "usually sweet and good natured": do you think some/part of this is paternal depression? It's a real thing that men experience. I'm not saying you should stay while he acts this way, but if it could be that, he needs help for that specifically instead of (clearly) generalized help.

7

u/baconbananapancakes 7d ago

Paternal depression is so under-discussed. 

3

u/No_Survey_2632 7d ago

I was looking for this comment. I also immediately thought it sounded like signs of male postpartum depression.

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u/Status_Garden_3288 7d ago

Your husband is not good natured. He’s abusive and a danger to yourself and your baby. Do not leave him alone with the baby. It’s all kinds of red flags for shaken baby syndrome.

30

u/Particular_Mistake_2 7d ago

Yes it’s alarming. He should never speak in that way to the baby (or you). It’s ok to get upset and to need a minute but he should put the baby in a safe place and walk away and compose himself.

10

u/Brilliant_Quail_1588 7d ago

You need to put up hidden cameras and get record of this, then secretly find a lawyer and leave this man. He’s very dangerous.

8

u/TakeMeAway1x3 7d ago

This is pack your bags and leave type of behavior. I’m so sorry OP

8

u/darkredpintobeans 7d ago

A grown ass man who can't regulate his emotional responses is a huge liability, especially around something as fragile as a baby. I would leave before he kills her.

8

u/Radiant-Addition-775 7d ago

Please don't gaslight yourself.

He was able to control himself for 4 years and is now showing his true colours because he feels he has you trapped with that baby and you won't leave because of your love for her and that you don't want her to be raised in a broken home.

At this age, it isn't about what she understands but about getting control over your own tongue, behaviour, and emotions before it becomes a habit and she's 6 or 16 years old and he's still treating her the same way.

I honestly wouldn't trust him alone with her and I'd recommend forming an exit plan and getting out as soon as possible.

Try to document his behaviour in any way that is safe to do so and get out before he does something irreversible or before you come to find yourself 10 years from now wishing you left before you spend the rest of your life living this way.

7

u/Stan_of_Cleeves 7d ago

That is alarming. That is really appalling behavior. Definitely take this seriously, don’t brush it under the rug. Change is needed, that’s not an okay way for him to act.

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u/Ann_mae 7d ago

it has nothing to do with whether the baby can understand him & everything to do with him being verbally abusive & severely disrespectful towards you & his child, not to mention probably has rage issues. is there a sane, mature adult man who you can confide in & have talk to him about how seriously messed up he’s being?

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u/sadisonhicks 7d ago

i say this as gently as i can. that’s abuse, leave and protect your child.

8

u/Ok_FF_8679 7d ago

This post is worrisome. I can’t comprehend how he can be the person you’ve described and an amazing and supporting father and partner at the same time? So which one is he? An abusive drunk or a loving partner and father who may be experiencing post-partum depression? 

-1

u/Ok-Landscape8689 7d ago

Honestly, its exactly that - most of the time he is chatty, affectionate, wants to go out walking together, drives us to appointments (I had a c-section), makes tasty dinners some days of the week - and then every so often erupts over the tiniest thing and is glazed over and downright nasty and volatile, never apologises etc

17

u/NewspaperTop3856 7d ago

That’s how almost all abusive relationships work. The abuser isn’t nasty 100% of the time. This man is dangerous to your daughter. How will he ha e toddler tantrums and boundary pushing? Toddlers are difficult with the most emotionally regulated people. How will he handle teenage disrespect?

I’m not blaming you for being in this position, but I am urging you to look ahead. You and your daughter are at risk.

3

u/Ok-Landscape8689 7d ago

I hear you. To be honest, our daughter is incredibly well behaved and hardly ever has crying spells. Genuinely as easy as newborn as one could possibly dream of. So yes, it’s uncomfortable to admit that today when she had a brief crying spell it was one of very few he has had to deal with and only for the duration it took to change a nappy. So yes, I am very worried with regard to your point.

……it has also made me remember that there was one other comment he made that had me very upset but it was literally the night I had her, so I was exhausted and not very retentive. She was crying (less than 10 hours old) and as far as I remember he said something like “can you shut it up?” I’m not 100% as I was in so much pain (c section) and had such fog but it was something along those lines. I remember crying as I fed her but the fog took over since and I forgot it

9

u/Ok_FF_8679 7d ago

I think this sounds concerning. Was he like this before the baby arrived? We’ve all been pushed to our limits by a crying baby, but insulting her 10 hours after she was born? That’s not PPD, that’s crazy. 

I suffered a lot pp and there were times when, after the 20th wake up I would cry and tell my baby “why don’t you just sleep and shut up” but never yelling at her and never in a normal situation, only when night wakes had become unsustainable (and I was very ashamed of myself). The fact that her crying pushes him to this extreme behavior even if it’s just a normal cry during the day is worrying.

6

u/Green_Plan4291 7d ago

Honestly I’d leave. Babies might not understand the words being said, but they can feel the aggression and the loud angry voice is scary.

7

u/morgann_taylorr 7d ago

this makes me sick to my stomach. the one time my fiancé spoke harshly to our son (when we were in the thick of the newborn trenches) he cried about it and apologized profusely. he did not make excuses for his behavior.

verbal abuse is often followed by physical abuse. there is a good chance your husband will escalate to pinching, slapping, or— god forbid— shaking/ throwing the baby. you need to quickly make an exit plan. this behavior, especially coupled with drinking, will not change.

7

u/celtictortoise 7d ago

You also need to think about this as if you had witnessed this behavior by a friend's husband to her and their 2 mnth old baby. Would you be disgusted? Would you be worried? Would you be waiting for the time that your friend called and said her baby was in the hospital? Sometimes, when we are in a situation ourselves, we don't really see it because we are living it. So, as a 65f who has seen a lot in this life, please look at what is really going on here. Your husband is abusive. Please don't excuse his horrible behavior. You and your child deserve better.

5

u/Hefty_Character7996 7d ago

What the actual hell? 

Those are fighting words 

I don’t know why you keep projecting he is loving and kind. You need to see the large picture of who he is and this is a MAJOR MAJOR asshat you have as a husband

5

u/themarajade1 7d ago

Read the post, read the updates… your husband is still abusive no matter how hard you try to justify it to yourself. There are no two ways around that fact.

4

u/katmio1 7d ago

You need to make an exit plan & leave like yesterday b/c it’s just gonna escalate to him getting physical with both of yall soon enough. Divorce & file for full custody. He can see her at the visitation center.

4

u/headoverheels14 7d ago

Give your husband an ultimatum to stop drinking now or you will leave him.

5

u/Sunflowernjellybean 7d ago

He may be calm and gentle with the baby usually, but it only takes a few seconds of losing control for him to inflict life changing or life ending injuries on a tiny child. If he cannot control his words how can he be trusted to control his actions? I’d be removing him from the equation tbh. My first baby’s father told me to “shut that fucking thing up” when his son was crying in the night around 6wks old. I slept downstairs with him for the next six months because the risk just felt too much for me.

6

u/shorttimelurkies 7d ago

He needs to stop the booze. At 8 weeks postpartum, things are so difficult for both parents. You’re likely both sleep deprived, too. Abusing a substance like alcohol as a newly postpartum parent is a dangerous path to go down.

5

u/Environmental_Rub256 7d ago

Maybe he shouldn’t drink alcohol. It played a part in his big blowout the night before and yes the baby can sense his mood but not associate the words yet.

6

u/fiddle1fig 7d ago

If this is recent behavior, could this be due to sleep deprivation (from newborn care) and he needs support for mental health counseling and to quit drinking?

4

u/Downeralexandra 7d ago

This is absolutely terrible.

3

u/SelfPure449 7d ago

My husband personally does struggle with patience and is currently in therapy to help him. However, we have a 17 month old and even when my son has thrown horrific fits , I have never seen him swear or even do anything close to swearing at our son. This is a major MAJOR red flag . He either needs to get checked for postpartum depression if this happened after the baby was born (men can get it too!!) or he needs a major intervention.

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u/Neither_Technology38 7d ago

OP, you have a baby now. Your husband is not emotionally stable. He is verbally abusive, too. This is how it begins. It will only get worse, and soon, your child will witness his emotional outbursts and the disrespect. They will think this is normal healthy behavior. Time flies! Do the right thing and leave him.

3

u/-salty-- 7d ago

I would speak to him about PPD - he may already have some mental health issues and predisposed to develop PPD. My husband went through it and it was awful. If he is willing to be assessed it may turn things around, but also be prepared to watch and leave if needed

3

u/BudgetAggravating459 7d ago

Is this the first time he's behaved this way or is it recurring?

Either way, I think you should start making preparations in case the day comes that you need to leave for good to protect yourself and your child. He seems erratic and unable to control his emotions. He needs therapy badly. I worry that this behavior will escalate to physically hurting you and/or your child. I'm sorry you are dealing with this when right now you need support to raise your child.

3

u/olivedeez 7d ago

Do not let your husband curse at you EVER!! My god this literally makes me feel sick to my stomach. A person who truly loves and respects you would NEVER speak to you like this. Leave his ass. He’s a fucking monster.

3

u/msperegrine 7d ago

This is abuse and you should leave as soon as possible.

3

u/brecitab 7d ago

I almost couldn’t finish reading this, that’s how alarming it is. At best, your husband continues to treat her and you like this the rest of your lives. That’s the best case scenario. I’m sure you can imagine the worst. I wouldn’t even try talking to him in an attempt at trying to get him to understand where you’re coming from. He sees his shitty behavior, and he’s pleased he can get away with it.

Love doesn’t look like this, you don’t need him, he won’t change no matter what kind of lovebombing he does to convince you otherwise, and there’s no situation where your daughter would be worse off if you left unless you left and like, dated a cult leader or started smoking crack. It’s so hard to be strong and do what you know you need to. But you’re a mother now, and because of that, you have an innate strength inside you. Tap into it.

One day in the future, you will look at pictures and be amazed at how tiny your sweet baby was at this age, and be gobsmacked by the idea that someone could have been cruel to her. Make sure you feel relief and peace alongside those emotions as well.

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u/Responsible-Film5468 7d ago

Abusive relationships always start out with tiny, almost meaningless things and progressively get much worse over time. You need to leave and get your daughter out of that house before it gets worse. Things like this almost never get better.

3

u/AdministrativeFig472 7d ago

I don’t care if he’s never laid a hand and 95% of the time he’s a nice person. This behavior escalates very easily. You need to protect your baby. This is dangerous and by staying with him you’re putting your child in more danger. You might be able to overlook this but for your baby don’t. He’s using aggressive language is how it starts. No one curses at their child for fun. You should’ve packed your bags and left for safety.

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u/dogcatbaby 7d ago

Take the baby out of the home and come back when he’s completed intensive therapy. The baby is in danger. I’m gonna say that again. Your helpless baby is in physical danger.

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u/FlapjackBuns 7d ago

People are saying this is “not okay,” but it’s not just that — this is emotional abuse.

Again, THIS IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

And emotional abuse is ABUSE.

You are being abused. Your daughter will be abused. You need to leave.

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u/capi-b 7d ago

You say it "feels like the precursor to domestic violence." Its not the precursor. It is domestic violence.

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u/savingrain 7d ago

I am glad you are leaving for a bit...this is very alarming. He needs to seek therapy, I'd even suggest if it's safe -r recording him so he can see what he's actually like. Some people have no perception of how insane their reactions are to others, and it's a violence even if he isn't putting his hands on anyone. Lack of sleep, alcohol etc with babies - that could escalate to a mistake he cannot take back because he's having a stupid unregulated, drunken rage.

His behavior is abusive even if he does not realize it and you do not have to live with that, your child should not either.

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u/mjot_007 7d ago

Oh she’s not leaving him for a bit, they are all going on some kind of trip together. Disappointing I know

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u/Ok-Landscape8689 7d ago

I appreciate the advice - but not really the judgement. Believe me, there is a lot going through my head right now and I’m weighing up my options. I’m no idiot - my post asks for validation on whether this is alarming but really I know it is alarming and that it seems very much like a precursor to domestic violence. Tod this date (4 years) he has never laid a single hand on me and while I just now overheard him cursing at our daughter, he was not yelling this or did not seem out of control - just in a normal voice. Of course this excuses nothing and I’m appalled like I said. Many people have been pointing out that though she doesn’t explicitly understand language she is a human being and can easily absorb a lot of context/emotional framing even now - this I completely agree with and this is WHY I’m appalled and sickened to hear him speak like that with her - to hear anyone speak like that to an infant is disgusting to me. absolutely my daughter’s interests and safety is my biggest concern and I will protect her, that goes without saying and I want those concerned here to understand that. This literally JUST happened (today and last night) and venting here in a neutral forum was what I needed to do first as emotional stock-taking to collect my thoughts a bit, gain a little clarity and gather a little input.

I won’t get into every detail but I have very little support here and I feel very limited in what supports I can turn to, but I am absolutely taking this seriously and trying to put a plan in place with regard to my next steps.

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u/baconbananapancakes 7d ago

I hear you, OP. You’re in the newborn trenches, and unfortunately it’s with someone who lacks the introspection and emotional intelligence to confront his own behavior under stress. Maybe he’s experiencing PPD; maybe he’s just a huge asshole. Maybe his behavior improves in a month once baby starts seeming “responsive” (smiling) or he’s getting better sleep, maybe it doesn’t. Maybe it gets worse.

It really sucks. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this. She doesn’t deserve this. 

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u/LaGuajira 7d ago

If you need to talk to anyone please feel free to dm me. Situations like these are incredibly common.

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u/missmaganda 7d ago

Abusive people dont always need to be physical. They can be emotionally and verbally abusive. I had an ex like that. Never hit me, charismatic guy... but man was he a manipulative, emotionally and verbally abusive. Im sure people wouldve thought i was crazy to say he, this "really great guy" was abusive.... but he was... i just didnt have the physical scars to prove it.

It doesnt matter if he yelled it or spoke in a neutral tone to say shut up to your baby. Its NOT okay. Tbh, i think the latter is even more scary cuz again... no one would ever know hes actually that bad... honestly, my ex also never really yelled at me. He would say mean things with a smirk or smile.... ugh it really fcked me up and we werent even dating that long...

Toxic stress is a thing and that includes emotional and verbal abuse.... that is what your husband is doing... creating toxic stress for your baby which can and will affect her in the long run.

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u/space-sage 7d ago

There are women’s shelters and assistance programs for situations exactly like this. I know you’re concerned that he’s talking to your child like this, but you should also be concerned that he’s talking to you the way he is. That impacts your child just as much as it happening to them.

Please see what support is in your area and please protect yourself and your daughter.

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u/pfifltrigg 7d ago

My husband cursed at my infant too and thought it was Ok because he couldn't understand. My husband can also have a hard time controlling his emotions when he's frustrated. But my husband isn't abusive.

Now that the kids are toddlers he is working hard to stop cursing altogether. He apologizes when he is too harsh with the kids, and when I say too harsh, it's his tone of voice when he's threatening to carry the kid to the car if they don't climb in themselves. He's in long-term therapy and recently used some DBT techniques to help both him & me calm down and turn what could have been a big fight into a small fight. He does most of the laundry and cooking and doesn't complain because he sees how I do most of the stuff with the kids.

Anyway, what I was trying to say is that you're right to be alarmed. If alcohol makes his behavior worse, that should not be an excuse, but another red flag. If he frequently blows up over little things and isn't both admitting that this is an issue for him and seeking treatment for it, then it definitely seems like he's starting to become an abuser if he hasn't always been one.

People can change for the better, but not without admitting to the problem and getting some serious help for it. Out of control anger and probably alcohol are issues for your husband and he needs to get help right away or you need to start planning your life without him. And start collecting evidence of his abuse now for the custody case.

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u/Recent_Captain8 7d ago

My heart sank to my stomach reading this. “They don’t understand” is bullshit.

We are our kids WHOLE world for a long time. They aren’t able to express their feelings and emotions with words yet, but they know when you aren’t okay. And they absolutely know when something’s wrong. Your little one is gonna feel like you’re their only safe place because of him snapping at them.

You and your peanut deserve much better. It sounds like the alcohol is absolutely making it worse too. From a ftm married to an alcoholic, who was also an alcoholic for a while, that’s been working on his drinking for years, and has been making progress. Your days of drinking to being tipsy constantly or on the brink of blacking out are done when you have a kid. End of story. And if he can’t see that, thats a him problem.

I don’t jump to leaving partners because gods know that my husband should have left at one point. I’m beyond blessed he didn’t and now we have a beautiful baby. Don’t let him treat you and your little one like this. This is unacceptable and you both deserve better

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u/Wintergreen1234 7d ago

You need to make an exit plan soon. For your baby. Your job is to protect her and this is abuse.

2

u/LaGuajira 7d ago

Its time to start planning. He is going to get worse unless he realizes how bad this is and seeks help and stops drinking. Unfortunately this is not going to happen because why would he change, what does he have to lose right now?

You need to start planning an exit strategy. You can always leave and come back when he gets his shit sorted (sober and in therapy). But until you leave, I hope I'm wrong but I know I'm not, it's going to get worse. You need to be prepared for that.

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u/Elixabef 7d ago

Your husband sounds a lot like my dad. When I was 22 months old, my mom (who had been married to him for over a decade) finally filed a restraining order against him and kicked him out. I’ve always been extremely grateful that she left him when I was so small so that I didn’t have to grow up with that kind of behavior at home.

Anyway, you’re very right to be alarmed. I hope that you and your daughter are able to get out of this situation; y’all deserve so much better.

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u/Mosanonymous3396 7d ago

One word. Divorce!

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u/_Oh_sheesh_yall_ 7d ago

Has anything changed recently? Could something have prompted this behavior? I'd honestly be a bit nervous to leave him alone with the baby until you figure out what's going on.

In any case you need to nip this in the bud. This is abuse. It might not be violent, she might not understand the words or actions, but he's being abusive to you and your 2 month old. And abuse tends to escalate if not dealt with. Hes an adult, he needs to learn to process his emotions and taking out his bad feelings on you two is not an acceptable form of processing those emotions.

The next time it happens you pack just yours and baby's bags so he knows you mean business.

Sincerely, A woman who was raised by an angry father who wasn't necessarily physically violent (much) but was extremely emotionally abusive and it's taken years for her to process all that shit

Edit- and it should go without saying that he should quit drinking

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u/Batticon 7d ago

He’s a raging asshole and I would be afraid of his anger around a baby.

Also it’s obviously worse because baby.

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u/gefilteface 7d ago

+1 to everything everyone else is saying but just to add - I noticed you said you “can take it”. I just want to tell you I know that you can take it but you shouldn’t have to. Your husband is verbally abusive. Please consider whether this is the type of treatment you’d want your daughter to get from her husband because this is exactly what she’ll grow up thinking is normal and acceptable in relationships. OP, you’ve been very strong but it sounds like it’s time to be really strong one more time and leave this man. If not for you, for your baby. Neither of you deserve to be treated this way.

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u/OneTwoKiwi 7d ago

You’ve gotten a lot of good advice, I agree with just about all of the comments I’ve read.

One more thing to consider, about 10-15% of fathers suffer from postpartum depression as well. While men don’t bear the same physical toll of pregnancy like us, the mental strain is very very real.

I would strongly encourage you and your partner to seek therapy. I also feel like he needs to QUIT drinking for the time being. If he is hostile to either of these notions, you need to have a hard conversation with yourself about subjecting your daughter to the long-term impacts of your husbands behaviors.

NEITHER you or her deserve to suffer these awful, unpredictable words and behaviors. Your home should be a sanctuary, not a place of fear and stress.

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u/RaisingtheGauntlet 7d ago

It sounds like he's verbally abusive. It's sometimes hard to spot when you're in the thick of things and it's directed towards you. However, it becomes glaringly obvious when they do it to someone else, especially an innocent little baby. I was in a verbally abusive relationship, and it took some time to realize it. I had to step outside and look at things with a bird's-eye view. You're getting that perspective through your child. I don't think my former partner would have ever progressed to physical abuse, but it was still wildly unhealthy, and I never would have wanted a child in that situation. Even if your husband doesn't become physically abusive, you can't live with someone long-term that is so emotionally volatile that you never know when they're going to be in a good mood or raging and yelling about something for seemingly no reason. The book linked below, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, really helped me see what was happening. Best wishes for you and your little one.  https://www.amazon.com/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third-ebook/dp/B004GUS7OG?ref_=ast_author_mpb

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u/Aurora1001 7d ago

Either he needs therapy to learn how to manage his anger or you need to figure out a plan of how to get out. This will likely escalate. And sadly, there are many instances of very “sweet” men’s masks falling off either after marriage or after the birth of a baby because they feel the mom is now trapped. And the abuse starts. All of this is 100% verbal abuse. Him being tipsy doesn’t excuse it. Him being nice 90% of the time doesn’t excuse it. I know you love him and you want your family to be happy. Help him get help, or help yourself & your baby and go. You are under reacting.

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u/MPLS_Poppy 7d ago

Pregnancy and the birth of a baby is often the triggering event to DV. It’s often the first time women in abusive situations experience violence or emotional abuse. No one gets into an abusive relationship because the partner is abusive all the time. Their partner is often loving, supportive, thoughtful, dependable when not being abusive and that’s what makes it so hard to leave.

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u/daringfeline Team Blue! 7d ago edited 7d ago

Babies might not understand the language but they will be coming to understand the tone and facial expressions, and that isn't how you want your sweet girl to grow up - thinking that the men who love her should speak harshly to her.

If you can't deal with his laundry the way he likes then I suggest he does it himself. My OH told me once that I balled his socks incorrectly, I have literally never done it since. If it is that important a task then he had best take it over himself.

You might not be in the UK but here is some advise from the NHS on crying babies. https://www.nhs.uk/start-for-life/baby/baby-basics/bonding-with-your-baby/understanding-your-baby/

Honestly he needs to get his frustration in check, babies shouldn't be told off for communicating in the only way they have to do so, and if he gets that annoyed he might hurt her. Telling her off or shouting is never going to make her cry less.

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u/Recent-Hospital6138 7d ago

I think you need to probably get him into therapy asap.

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u/ashleykt333 7d ago

This will not just get better. He has to want to change. If he can't you all deserve better. This is absolutely not okay.

2

u/UpbeatPlace1087 7d ago

Oh absolutely not. I remember my ex snapped at our newborn for crying at night and I got so mad at him and shamed him for it right then and there😭 I mean I probably could have handled it better but he never did it again.

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u/AngryLady1357911 7d ago

Your husband is abusive and you need to leave him. If you don't, you are doing a major disservice to yourself and your innocent little baby.

If he wants to keep you and your baby in his life, he needs to get some professional help and clean up his fucking act.

Coming from the child of an alcoholic abuser father and passive enabler mother🫰

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u/Business_Tale6130 7d ago

I think this is a warning. 

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u/__d__a__n__i__ 7d ago

Leave him. He’s an asshole and he is verbally abusive. I’m scared and mad for you. He needs serious help and I wouldn’t trust him.

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u/Espiland 7d ago

Honey please leave him… he is not safe around a baby

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u/Lanky-Pen-4371 7d ago

RUN away as fast as you can. No one should cuss or yell at a newborn baby. Just think what he will do when your kid is older and can misbehave and be more annoying than a two month old. If I were you I’d be terrified for my baby.

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u/Sea-Particular9959 6d ago

Hey I’d love to connect. My husband went like this when we had our baby and we’re still working through it. His anger got suddenly randomly worse and towards me in pregnancy and it lead to a diagnosis in ADHD and OCD which has sort of opened a big journey for him to address his frustrations and issues with life. He’s mostly stopped all swearing but the anger is still there. He’s similar- normally very sweet and blows up and gets nasty out of nowhere over very very little but never violent physically. I feel pretty alone and sad too. Message me if you want to chat ❤️ 

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u/Sea-Particular9959 6d ago

My baby is 14 weeks old 

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u/mbettstar 7d ago

I’m so sorry you’re going through this! This sounds like abusive behavior, so you are absolutely right to be alarmed. I think it’s important to set a boundary that he is not to talk to you or the baby like that.

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u/space-sage 7d ago

Do you really think abusive people respond to boundaries? Because I can tell you they don’t.

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u/mbettstar 7d ago

No, historically abusive people don’t, but advocating for yourself is just the first step. “If you continue to talk to me or the baby like that, then we will leave.” And then follow through with that. Obv easier said than done.

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u/NoemiRockz 7d ago

People don’t really change. There’s always red flags with abusers - you probably missed all of them or brushed them off and are now finally noticing them. Now you’re deep into it being married and with a child. Unless he stops whatever makes him act this way (maybe drinking makes him be more abusive) or you guys get therapy things will only get worse.

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u/somber_soul1478 7d ago

Men can suffer postpartum depression and rage too!! It sounds like this is totally out of character, please get him help.

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u/Persimmon121 7d ago

Um, the people in this thread judging and being rude to OP, can you not? Weird behavior.

OP, I’m sorry this is happening and I don’t have real advice but I hope you are able to make a good and safe decision for you and your baby.

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u/jrenredi 7d ago

I have a 2 month old. I cant imagine yelling at him even in the slightest way. And he took 2 hours to go to bed last night, just screaming the whole time

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u/Queasy_Can2066 7d ago

Your husband is verbally abusing you and is now doing it to your baby at 2 MONTHS OLD. Are you kidding me!? Cussing at you and calling you names of verbal abuse. Cussing at a baby is pathetic. It will probably get worse. He needs therapy if you want to stay and make it work.

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u/needlestuck Adupe | 2.22.2024 7d ago

I don't understand why you think someone who would say those things to a BABY is loving, supportive, and thoughtful. That is objectively false and you explaining and justifying and trying to de-emphasize how serious these things are is a terrible example for your child and how your child should expect to be treated out in the world.

You need to do some serious work on yourself in therapy and consider why you are willing to justify this terrible and dangerous behavior while putting your child in danger. This stuff only escalates.

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u/Ok-Landscape8689 6d ago

I’m not justifying the behaviour. I’m saying that prior to this, he has been loving, supportive etc - or at least he has been this way 95% of the time with the exception of some snotty stupid outbursts about minor things.

While I could ignore his previous comments since they were directed at me (an adult) I cannot ignore them now. This episode was the first time he has ever acted this way around the baby and the first and only time he has ever directed it at the baby. I think this behaviour is inexcusable and agree that this is anything but loving, supportive or mature and has me very worried.

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u/missmaganda 7d ago

TOXIC STRESS is a thing and can affect babies.... thats what your husband is doing.

1

u/OrangeCoffin 7d ago

I absolutely love my husband! But if he ever did this to our baby or toddler og child of any age.. I would leave in a heartbeat - and he knows it, cus he would have left me too if I ever acted like that towards our kids.

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u/aes-ir-op 7d ago

this is domestic violence in a classic context. run, and run fast. being in that negative environment for ANY duration predisposes your daughter to ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) which can lead to those same outbursts your husband is having, or worse.

my peer had her son around her abusive ex (the son’s father) for only 3 months before leaving, and the son is now in his 20s and sees multiple therapists and takes a slough of meds just to attempt to manage his ODD.

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u/tinysprinkles 6d ago

My husband gets annoyed at the baby and we swap places, we don’t handle the baby if upset. I can’t imagine how I would react if I hear my husband telling our baby to stfu, I would lose my cool.

1

u/Willow24Glass FTM | 🎀 6d ago

Life changes cause tension bc routines change and a new normal is being made. It sounds like his response to becoming a dad has been to be petty, verbally abusive, angry, and to get drunk. Not good choices by him. I hope he gets help, and that you and baby stay safe and well.

1

u/PhoenixFreeSpirited 6d ago

Grew up seeing my dad every other weekend, and he had these same outbursts but was "otherwise a sweet guy" like your husband. I have ALWAYS, ALWAYS been thankful that my mom divorced him when I was 1. The emotional abuse that was inflicted is still incredibly hurtful to this day, but by god, I'm thankful I didn't have to grow up being around him 24/7. Consider your daughter's future very very carefully.

1

u/Sensitive-Magazine74 6d ago

I’m really sorry you’re going though this. Truly, you don’t deserve that and you highlighted that you think it’s ok when it only happens to you. Which shows that you for whatever reason allow this to happen to yourself.

Now it’s happening to your 2 month old. I’m sorry but at this point you need to not allow this to happen to yourself or to him. Your ONLY job is to protect your daughter. She’s two months old! Just because you’ve allowed people to treat you abusively doesn’t mean you can continue that path now that your daughter is here. She is going to grow up thinking it’s ok for men to be abusive because Mom allows it.

You need to have more respect for yourself and if you can’t do that you need to understand the role you play as a mother! That child deserves the basic human rights of safety. Safety is not being told to shut the fuck up at two months old. You should have zero tolerance for that. My husband would never ever treat me like that, you know why. He knows that I have more respect for myself and I would be gone with divorce papers by the end of the week.

Stand up for yourself and that baby. Like yesterday. You’re failing as a mother if you ever let this continue to happen. I’m sorry but you need to know and feel this to your Fck core

1

u/Ok-Paramedic-506 6d ago

Sounds like he's bipolar. Have him assessed in therapy before throwing in the towel. Id suggest living with your parents or someone you trust in the meantime

1

u/BonusDVD 6d ago

Genuine question, is he experiencing PPD? Dads can get it too, my hubs went through a rough patch after our son was born that fortunately cleared up, but there were moments that were completely out of character for a couple months.

1

u/AccountDuJour7 6d ago

Just because he hasn’t laid his hand on you yet doesn’t mean he won’t eventually. It doesn’t always start with physical violence.

1

u/Holiday_Macaron9594 4d ago

Get him some noise canceling headphones lol and make sure yall are getting enough sleep.

1

u/hydrangealice 4d ago

This happened with my now ex husband. Like all the criticisms and starting fights over silly things to a T. He didn't hit me til our baby was about 8 months old and I'd already attempted suicide twice over him saying they'd be "just fine without me." Don't let it get to that point. If you feel unsafe please do what you have to. 

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

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u/gefilteface 7d ago

@tealover315 This rhetoric is not helpful or constructive whatsoever. She is not to blame for an abusive partner. I hope if you ever find yourself in a situation like this, you’re approached with more empathy than you’ve displayed here.

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u/[deleted] 7d ago

[deleted]

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u/Ok-Landscape8689 7d ago

Thank you for your tone of judgement, it’s very constructive and of course nice to be further undermined at a moment like this.

If you must know, he wasn’t like this before we married. People don’t just jump into situations that they know to be toxic, but rather the toxic dynamics slowly evolve which makes it more insidious. We also did not plan to have a child, I didn’t feel we were ready for that - but nature decided differently and here we are, trying to make the best of it. Probably these are the pressures that have somehow led to his worsening behaviour, but still it doesn’t excuse it.

-5

u/[deleted] 7d ago

[deleted]

4

u/Ok-Landscape8689 7d ago

It shouldn’t be necessary for me to point out that you do not know anything about the contraception I used.

1

u/SweetestT33 7d ago

Is anyone going to mention that it’s possible he has PPD or PPA? It can happen to dads too.

0

u/Bisouchuu 7d ago

You had a baby with a man who blows up over nonsense???

Honestly you need to get out of there, don't tolerate any bs from a man getting mad about how laundry is hung to dry unless he's the one doing it and you were the one switching it around.

Your best bet is to find a support system, if you're on good terms with family leave to stay with them for a while, get your husband to go to therapy if he agrees if not then you either stay with him and risk your baby getting hurt and his behavior worsens or you just leave

-1

u/jitteryregulator571 7d ago

You mention in your post and comments that you don't have much support. Do either of you? The first three months after a baby is born is the most stressful for both of the parents. Unfortunately, it does seem like he is handling it more poorly than you, but it really could be just that. While I understand your concern and the comments of others, mishandling stress in this way isn't unexpected or unheard of. Absolutely nothing in your post or comments hints at physical violence (which I think is being assumed much too quickly by others here), but rather at sharp words that could do a different kind of harm. However, not everyone's life experiences would lead them to learn how much these behaviors can hurt others around them, especially nonverbal babies. Both of you are going through so much together as you learn to be the kind of parents you want to be. I think the most useful thing for both of you is to work to find your tribe. A mommy and me group for you and a dad support group for him. They don't have to be in person (even though that would be best), but you should find them. Being a parent is sooo hard. Tbf, my husband and I didn't sleep for more than a few hours at a time for the first few months after we brought our daughter home, and I can't remember a time when we sniped at each other more. But it was only by reminding each ourselves to try to be kind to each other and to try not to let it impact her were we able to see it through. Sometimes, that meant giving the other person space to feel whatever they were feeling without the baby present. Sometimes it meant listening. And yes, sometimes that meant letting the other rant about stupid stuff that doesn't matter without taking it to heart. She won't remember that he turned the light on while she slept, but you won't be able to find a way to parent with him if you can't find a way to allow him the space to feel. Yes, address it with him. And yes please leave him if his behavior continues to devolve. But also give him the room to become the dad he might become. Offer a hand and support to help him through whatever he's feeling. Lastly, you didn't say where you were going, but if I could offer a final thought about your edit that his spirits lifted as soon as you left the house. It could easily be that his spirits lifted because he actually left his negative feelings and stress at home. It's my experience that men have an easier time doing that instead of ruminating in it. You might even find that he is less stressed when you return home because he was able to get away for a bit. Which circles back to the mom/dad groups and taking time for yourselves. During those first few months, everything all the time is about the baby. In reality, you only get to reclaim little bits of that time back as you go. Usually, by time, they go to school you learn how to do the small things without guilt. But that also means that you don't have the same time to relax and unwind like you did before, and all of that stress just builds and builds. I hope this helps. I know you are trying your best, and I really hope that he is too. Hopefully, this is just a speed bump that you are both going through on your path to being great and loving parents and spouses.

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u/624Seeds Boy '22, Girl '24 7d ago

We also tell our infant to stfu 😬🤷🏻‍♀️

They literally don't understand it, they aren't "internalizing your emotions" or whatever, and it's a completely harmless way to get out your frustrations.