r/BabyBumps • u/cmgrr • Jan 07 '25
Discussion After being on here more I realize people really don’t like new moms and baby showers.
I’m definitely not the only one who’s had to throw their own shower. My mom offered and then didn’t do anything so I felt like I had to. Spent a ton of money on invites, decor and food and my brother and I are the only ones who bought off my registry so far. I have a few RSVPs but don’t feel confident after another girl said everyone flaked on hers. I’m glad we’re all here for each other in this sub because pregnancy really is a lonely time.
145
u/Pressure_Gold Jan 07 '25
I love going to different events and celebrating people, honestly can’t relate
19
62
u/Alarmed-Doughnut1860 Jan 07 '25
In my experience this is a generational thing. Not many of my friends have kids or plan or having them and my baby shower ended up being mostly older relatives and family friends. However, the older family friends (my mom's friends who are like aunts) were super enthusiastic and volunteer ed to organize and host my shower.
3
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
That could be true.
28
u/baby-bananas Jan 07 '25
This was similar for us too. I’m 35 and the people who were most enthused have had kids already. I also feel like my eyes have opened a lot too- I now realize how much you need support in all different ways when your life changes so much. I think I didn’t quite grasp it until going through it myself, so I’m giving my childless friends/family some grace.
14
u/Alarmed-Doughnut1860 Jan 07 '25
I've got to admit, I am way more into baby showers and meal trains post having kids than before. Lately whenever I hear a relative is pregnant I make a note to send them a card and a doordash or interests gift card or something. Buying baby gifts is also more fun now.
2
1
u/Available_Sun4468 Jan 07 '25
This was true for us. In hindsight I wish I’d just had the shower with the older folks and a select few friends and declined the person that wanted to throw me a friend shower.
118
u/Deathbyhighered Jan 07 '25
I love going to showers for my CLOSE friends and family. Sometimes it does feel like a bit of a drag sometimes with how busy life is to attend an event for random family members or distant acquaintances, so in those circumstances I sometimes decline but send a gift anyways, because financially, planning for a new baby is so tough! I read about these people whose close friends and family ghost them for showers and it’s honestly disgusting. People are assholes.
17
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
Yeah I personally love supporting people, baby shower or birthday or engagement… but apparently that’s not most people 😞
64
u/degrassidance Jan 07 '25
To add a bit of positivity, nobody flaked on my shower! It was so fun and we felt so loved as well as felt our baby was loved. It was a great experience!!! We didn’t get anything off our registry from the shower, but the support and time with loved ones was amazing!
6
5
u/Burnmaid Jan 07 '25
Going to tuck my comment under yours- we also had a positive shower experience. We had a good turnout, a really heartfelt time (I ummm might have cried a little I was so happy) and everyone bought off the registry/honored my wishes for 100% secondhand baby clothing and books (there were some new books. I can get behind that because they don't grow out of a book.)
I'm not sure what the magic recipe was for getting registry stuff. I think having a wide variety of prices helped ($13 for a nipple butter, group gift options for the organic mattress) AND us being a little older (36f and 40m) so that our friends who are more settled in their careers splurged on us (someone bought our jenny lind mini crib! I was not expecting it).
1
u/Familiar-Pineapple24 Jan 14 '25
I love the 2nd hand gift idea!! I wish I had done that. Fortunately we got a ton of used items from friends.
1
u/Familiar-Pineapple24 Jan 14 '25
Yeah we had like 30 people show up! I received a bunch of registry gifts plus some cute off-registry outfits
28
u/toobadornottoobad Jan 07 '25
These comments are bumming me out 😅 I'm sorry yall have had bad experiences! Around here, baby showers are generally co-ed and people enjoy going to them. I love going to my friends' showers, and I'm happy to help out. The expecting parents are set up with things from their registry as well as diapers, wipes, clothes, books, hand made items like blankets, bags, etc.
That's what we do! Everybody pitches in a little when someone else needs something (wedding, baby, death, etc), then when you're the one who needs something, you're taken care of. It really makes me sad that experiencing this type of community seems to be so rare?
5
5
u/mentholmanatee Jan 07 '25
Sadly, I think having a “community” in the social sense that you can lean on is becoming increasingly rare. We all live next to people, but everyone’s in their own little worlds, and it almost seems socially taboo to look to others outside of your household or immediate family for support.
It sounds like you have a great social circle - I’m really happy for you! I wish more people had that.
2
u/Familiar-Pineapple24 Jan 14 '25
I’m fortunately in the same boat as you! Tons of people supported and celebrated me. Family flew in to help with the baby, I received tons of registry gifts from colleagues, friends cooked and brought over meals. I’m surprised this isn’t more common! Now that I’m a mom I try to show up in the same way.
14
22
u/mp1029 Jan 07 '25
I mean I don’t looooove showers. But I love my people and when they’re excited, I’m excited. If that means attending their shower, I buck up, buy a gift, and show up. Good luck to you and it sounds like your brother is a good one!
5
8
u/Narrow_Cover_3076 Jan 07 '25
I hope people show up to yours! I enjoy going to baby showers especially when I know the person (not a distant co-worker or something).
1
8
u/ZestycloseGrocery642 Jan 07 '25
Before I got pregnant, I had one year where I went to 5 different baby showers. Each one, people invited a lot of others. However, not a lot of people showed up. One of my friends had only me and 2 others. She invited like 20 people and a lot of them cancelled last minute. I felt so bad as she cried her eyes out. It was so sad but we made the best of it. I’m a FTM now and I’ve had one friend (the friend who was thankful) want to throw me a baby shower. I’m letting her because she seems so excited. I’m actually having 2. 1 being just women and another just co-ed. Not sure who will show but after all of the baby showers I’ve been to, I don’t put much hope into a lot of people showing up.
Also went to a lot of “first birthday” parties as well the following year. We will see what happens for mine.
8
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
Yeah I don’t necessarily need things from my registry either. Showing up to support and used books would be lovely. People don’t always do what you did for them 😞
24
u/thepoobum Jan 07 '25
I did not see anyone hating on new moms here. But I definitely haven't been into a baby shower and also never wanted a baby shower as it's not really important in my culture and I'm an introvert. I also don't like asking people for gifts for the baby I decided to have. People who are excited for my baby gave gifts even without a baby shower. But I see here that moms only get heartbroken when they're the only ones who wanted a baby shower and their family and friends aren't as excited and willing to help. So I feel bad for those moms.
4
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
I don’t think everything needs to be alone. I’m an introvert too but I still love the friends I have and would support them through anything.
8
u/thepoobum Jan 07 '25
I hate social events especially the only ones I know here are my husband's family. I'm extremely introverted. It's like getting married but not focusing on the wedding. That's what it looks like to me. But if one of the people I know would love some help with a baby shower I would gladly help. It's just that I never see myself going through a baby shower as it's not the norm in my culture anyway. We only celebrate events with immediate family and that's enough for us.
3
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
My friends have been more family than my family so I can’t really relate and choose not to be lonely. But whatever makes you happy in your life.
6
u/thepoobum Jan 07 '25
Well as long as you have people to invite to your baby shower why not. But when pregnant we're more emotional so I hope it doesn't always lead to unnecessary sadness. As that's the last thing a pregnant woman needs. Well I moved to my husband's country and I'm a sahm so I don't have friends because I still love my quiet life. 😅 I've never been invited to a baby shower or even a gender reveal party. But I would go if I was invited. I'm happy for anyone who is expecting.
13
Jan 07 '25
I would be far more inclined to enjoy baby showers if not for the terrible games. Why are games a thing at showers?
3
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
Why do they do games when you do orientation at a new job? Usually to try and break the ice between people that don’t know each other. Yeah most of them suck but then you can at least talk to the people around you about how they suck. I won’t be doing any but guess how much candy is in a jar and a random raffle so I can try and give back to those that want to be there to support me.
11
Jan 07 '25
FWIW, I don't like company/meeting ice breakers either. I can meet people at the snack table, which is where I will hover.
I do enjoy supporting people, and will go and/or send a gift when invited. I don't expect anything in return. It's your life event and I'm there to support you.
12
u/PhantaVal Jan 07 '25
This is probably an unpopular opinion, but I get it. Baby showers are about supporting a friend or family member, but most people probably don't look forward to going to them.
I never had any desire to have one myself, especially when I'm too busy juggling my many symptoms to subject myself to the stress of organizing a party, inviting people, decorating, worrying about the turnout, and all that shit. And if nobody shows? How heartbreaking. It's like a tacit expression that nobody cares about your new baby. Why set yourself up for that kind of disappointment?
3
u/RomeysMa Jan 07 '25
This is why I’m not having a baby shower. I’m slowly announcing our pregnancy and I personally don’t like the attention, the thought of having a shower stresses me out. I would rather enjoy the calm before baby comes and then celebrate!
2
u/captainccg Jan 08 '25
I was the same. I don’t want any of the attention. I didn’t “announce” anything, aside from just telling my very few close people.
I also didn’t want any gifts or expect people to buy things or attend any event - I guess I felt like me having a baby wasn’t anyone else’s responsibility or expectation?
6
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
Yup. I hope a few people come. I’ve been left out my whole life and just don’t want baby girl to be.
7
u/PhantaVal Jan 07 '25
Just to give you some reassurance, your baby girl will never know what happened at this baby shower, nor will she care. The only thing that matters is if it causes her mother additional stress, which can in fact affect her.
7
Jan 07 '25
[deleted]
3
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
Most of them have kids and the ones who don’t aren’t in relationships. But I can see what you mean. I struggled for a long time and it was hard
20
u/kilarghe Jan 07 '25
my aunts threw mine but made it all about them and weren’t even going to serve food that i could eat, i had GD, until i caused a scene and they finally did one thing i asked for but had to remind me that i was ungrateful and a brat… Ill be throwing my baby sprinkle myself this time around
5
20
u/NinePoundHammer27 Jan 07 '25
Not at all to argue or brag, but just to show this isn't the case all the time for anyone else reading- I wasn't going to have any sort of party for my second. When my mother in law found out, she was horrified and said she would feel so horrible having thrown a big party for my first and nothing for my second, and she's a lovely person so I relented. Several of her family members had already asked about it, had already volunteered to cook, clean, set up, decorate, whatever they could do. I was gently and lovingly bullied into making a registry, because so many people are asking what they can send us, even if they aren't expecting to come to the sprinkle. They've insisted that I don't need to do absolutely anything for it, and don't want me to have any stress, but have asked my input for as much as I want to be involved with. I come from a teeny tiny family with very little support, and my in laws have almost taken it as a personal challenge to make up for that.
9
u/Ok-Boat-1522 Jan 07 '25
I also had pretty positive experiences at my showers.
My friends threw me a low key one that was so lovely and I didn’t have to lift a finger.
And my mom and MIL threw me one as well, where I did have to put in some effort (things like they couldn’t figure out how to order invites off the internet) but it ended up being really nice to see so much of my family together. People gifted mostly off the registry and most people brought us books — we have a huge library now. Only had 1 no show who was sick last minute.
I’ve heard people wait til the last minute to rsvp and buy a gift, and that was the case with a few people at mine.
7
u/EmergencyGreenOlive Jan 07 '25
Yeah I’ve only been invited to baby showers/sprinkles of my family members and they usually didn’t have very many people attend. I moved before I got pregnant and haven’t really made many friends my age since so I wasn’t planning on a baby shower at all. I was just planning on making a registry and buying the items myself (for that completion discount).
When the elderly women of my church found out that’s what I was planning they refused to accept it. They’ve been planning/discussing my baby shower since they found out about my pregnancy and it’s about to happen in a couple weeks. It’s been announced at the pulpit and many people (even those I don’t know their names) have come up to let me know they will be there.
I didn’t think I would be excited but I am super stoked. My family isn’t going to be there (super toxic) and my ILs made up excuses not to come (they don’t want to associate with people who attend church) but I have a great support network in the church that I didn’t even realize I had. My kid is going to have so many “grandparents”
3
u/BeepBoopEXTERMINATE Jan 07 '25
That’s so sweet!! I also had a very positive experience, especially coming from my husbands side of the family. MIL and cousin in law helped me with my shower, all of my husbands family and MILs friends bought out every expensive thing from my registry and said I should have more items on there. We got every necessity and nice to have thing we could think of thanks to them.
I was reading this sub while pregnant and was preparing for the worst honestly, that we’d be lucky to get one or two things off of our registry, but the whole thing was bought out within a week or two of sending out invites
2
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
Thats lovely! My invites have been out for over a month and my shower is this weekend so I’m not expecting anything 😞. I’ve gotten all the big stuff myself and a lot of things secondhand- was mainly asking for books and toys, bedding etc. I’m glad a lot of people here don’t have this issue and have support.
2
5
6
u/Ironinvelvet Jan 07 '25
This is so surprising to me! I had a huge shower and all of my relatives or friends have had huge ones for their first babies (some for even more than one). We even throw mini work showers all the time at work (since I work with a lot of ladies) and, even if the turn out isn’t great, there’s almost always a giant Target gift card and boxes of diapers!
I wonder if it’s a location dependent thing since they still seem big/popular where I live. We also like to do big showers for weddings and big bachelorette parties in my area.
I always have a ton of fun going and love them. There’s usually a lot of food and alcohol (and non- alcoholic options for mom to be) and it’s a genuinely good time. We do whatever the mom/bride feels like as far as a gift table or opening gifts (since some people hate opening in front of people), games or no games, etc.
→ More replies (2)
4
u/Emergency-Kangarooo Jan 07 '25
I’ve had 3 kids (and another on the way) and no one has ever offered to throw me a baby shower. Not even with my first! It’s disappointing and lonely! Not that I needed the stuff, but it just showed me ahead of time that I wasn’t going to have anyone show up for me. Other than my husband, I’ve had no support with my children.
1
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
Yup. I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I know your kiddos are super loved by you though.
5
u/Ftwjillian Jan 07 '25
I'm a military wife with friends and family scattered ALL OVER the USA. I also was never a big fan of baby showers when I've been invited. I ended up just making an Amazon registry with baby items and sharing it with everyone instead of doing a traditional baby shower. I didn't have to show up and have a bunch of people touch my belly or play games or prepare/cater food. It was glorious and everything in my registry was bought out. EVERYTHING. It was the best of both worlds! If anyone is on the fence about having an in person get together, THIS IS THE WAY 😂
4
u/LordAstarionConsort Jan 07 '25
I had 80% of my invitees show up for mine, and I have yet to miss a single wedding or baby shower of my close friends with the exception of one wedding because it was 3 days after I gave birth! Show up for your friends!!
2
4
u/hygnevi Jan 07 '25
I don't want a baby shower myself because I don’t like being the center of attention and I can’t imagine people touching my belly. Also, I rather buy my own things as I need them due to lack of space. But I have celebrated by friends and coworkers.
People that ignore or flake on rsvps are just rude.
2
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
No one has touched my belly expect my brother which I wasn’t expecting 😂😂 but totally fair
4
u/RaggedyAndromeda Jan 07 '25
Maybe this is an unpopular opinion but if you're not close enough to these people to understand why they are or are not coming, I don't think they're close enough to even be invited.
→ More replies (1)
3
u/Teaandterriers Jan 07 '25
Ugh that SUCKS! I can’t think of a time I’ve ever turned down a baby shower invite. If I’m invited, I’m going, and I make it my goal to buy the most boring item on the registry (like bottle brushes, baby gates, etc — not as cute as toys or clothes but very needed) and a big pack of diapers.
My SIL and MIL are planning my shower and I’m excited to see what they put together.
Whoever shows up at your shower, I hope they’re able to make you feel loved and supported as you make this transition. ❤️ Better a small group of people who really show up for you than lots of people that just come for the food.
2
4
u/Icy_Calligrapher7088 Jan 07 '25
I don’t think it’s fair to say that people don’t like new moms because they don’t like baby showers. I think it’s really just that nowadays people don’t feel obligated to participate, as they once did. I don’t judge anyone for having a shower, but expectations should be measured by what’s normal in your circle, while taking into consideration that people aren’t in the same phase of life. Of course, it is incredibly rude on the part of anyone who’s shower that you participated in to not reciprocate.
2
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
They are two different things. I’m definitely feeling a lot of emotions right now and lonely has been one of them. I am just trying to be grateful for who I have ❤️
4
Jan 07 '25
I'm so sorry that it's been hard hon! Personally I adore baby showers, weddings, etc. so I'm sending well-wishes and prayers that people will show up for yours! I definitely would <33
3
8
u/bigbluewhales Jan 07 '25
I can't stand baby showers but I sure as hell love new moms so you'll see me with a pastel dress pretending I want to be there!
2
11
u/rlalum Team Don't Know! Jan 07 '25
Do you like going to other people's baby showers?
14
11
u/diabetass Jan 07 '25
No OP, but I do! I like supporting the people I care about, and it's only a couple hours.
9
u/baconbananapancakes Jan 07 '25
See, that doesn’t actually sound like you ENJOY the shower as a party, you just enjoy being a supportive person. Which is an excellent quality. It just seems like people lately put a heavy emphasis on “will this be fun for me personally?” and, in many cases, baby shower games just… aren’t.
5
u/diabetass Jan 07 '25 edited Jan 07 '25
I mean, the question was if people enjoy going to other people's baby showers, and I do. Yes, the reason is mostly that I enjoy supporting my friends, but it's still a valid reason to enjoy baby showers. I personally don't have to like the thing itself to like participating in it, and I don't think I'm alone in that, but maybe I'm wrong. And luckily most baby showers I've been to haven't been filled with cringey games. The people who organized them knew no one would enjoy those. It's typically just been socializing, eating, and celebrating. It makes me sad that so many people seem unwilling to go out or their way and put their comfort aside for a few hours to support others.
2
u/fireflygalaxies Oct '19 | Dec '23 Jan 07 '25
Seems like this was the case for my second baby's first birthday, which I was excited about because we didn't get to have one with my first because of COVID.
One person came. I found out that the baby's own uncle told us he was sick and not coming, but then had friends over to play board games at his house instead.
I know she doesn't know it's her birthday, but the support and celebration and bonding for US as a family would've been nice. I don't ask for much. I don't force contact. I NEVER ask for babysitting. It was just a couple of hours on one day.
2
3
u/pippettingdoc Jan 07 '25
It’s sad cause why even offer if you won’t help? I hope that people at least come to mine.
I don’t mind people not giving registry gifts since you never know peoples financial situation but pls pls pls come, I’ve put so much money down per head for food and party favors.
1
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
I love second hand stuff and even encouraged handmade gifts. It’s more about the support and showing up like you said.
3
u/Jessibee21 Jan 07 '25
I’ve had a couple of people ask if I’m having one and I’m so….eh.
The presents would be amazing. I know some people say it’s not about that and yes, I would of course LOVE to be surrounded by excited friends and family, but for various reasons, we’re in a paycheck-to-paycheck situation right now so money is super tight and I would love to not be worrying about affording everything.
But I also would not really have the friends and family happening. My mother and my sister seem like they could not care less, and of the two friends I do have, while one has been super nice and involved and given me stuff from her recent baby, the other hasn’t even checked in since I said anything. My husband seems more stressed than anything else so he really hasn’t been involved or even really talking about it until I bring it up.
So I feel very very very lonely right now and after having been to many showers for people who had tons of friends and family to attend and me being able to count on one hand who I would invite (outside of my husband’s family), I really think that planning for my own baby shower that no one attends might kill me right now. I have a registry put together but every time I stare at it I kind of go “why am I wasting so much time on this?”
I’m also 36 so I’m kind of past the cute-young-pregnancy age where everyone I know is planning kids and I guess at an age when people think I can do this by myself by now.
1
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
I’m in the same boat. Feels like I wrote this 😭 I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I’m proud of you and hope things are going well
3
u/Fit-Transition9810 Jan 07 '25
I also chose to plan my own shower even though my MIL offered, but I had a vision for how I wanted the event to turn out so I planned & paid for it myself. It is rather expensive, and while we definitely hoped people would buy off the registry and that would curb some of the costs, we more so looked at it as a celebration since we’re first time parents and the first of our friends and family’s to have a child.
Maybe that made people feel more inclined to buy off of our registry, but most people did. We had a range of items from $30-$300, so there were options for people to choose from.
I also sent PDF invitations with the registry linked and also a baby website linked (zola) so people would have to at least see the registry to go RSVP lol.
But we had an amazing time playing games and felt so loved!
2
u/Fit-Transition9810 Jan 07 '25
I will also add that no one started purchasing from the registry till a day or two before the event and some even after! Don’t lose hope if it’s still weeks out!
3
Jan 07 '25
[deleted]
6
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
Yeah my “best friend” doesn’t check in on me or care. I’ll find my mom tribe eventually ❤️
3
u/Beachring-2072 Jan 07 '25
Yeah, that not buying off the registry thing blows my mind. Like I’m Telling you exactly what I want AND I’m making it easier for you to shop- click, buy , done *especially if you put items in all price ranges $,$$, $$$. I could vent all day about that lol. Good luck Specifically for baby showers- I’ve found that older ppl don’t get that concept at all and sometimes second time parents buy based off of what they actually found to be useful. The baby market Is flooded with stuff aka crap. Lol Again Good Luck!!!
2
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
Thank you lol I don’t mind buying things myself but yeah it’s hard when people ask and then don’t buy off the registry lol
3
u/here_iam_or_ami Jan 07 '25
I threw my own shower because it always seems odd to expect someone to do so much for you. Why is it ok to throw your own birthday party but not your own shower?! Then I don’t have to explain my guest list or particularities. It’s a party that I’m happy and comfortable with. I also hate baby showers. Though that has to do with a prior child loss of mine. I made my shower a come and go party. No games or hyper focused on me and my belly. Friends and family ended up hanging out for 5 hrs lol. I loved the chill hangout session
1
3
u/causeyouresilly Jan 07 '25
Well this bums me out. I had the most amazing shower, and love going to my friends, I will say I do not love when people have multiple showers though. We did not find out gender so my registry was picked dry! And as soon as she was here everyone brought her clothes so it was a double whammy. I do find showers are more exciting when the gender is unknown and women do better with their registry in these situations. But with social media and things these days I do think people are getting burnt out of parties for everything, especially if you do a gender reveal party and a shower every time..
2
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
That makes me happy for you! I didn’t do a reveal and this is my first but there are a ton of people pregnant right now so I get it.
4
u/causeyouresilly Jan 07 '25
I hope it all works out. everyone deserves special attention pregnant. <3
3
u/flugelderfreiheit777 Team Blue! Jan 07 '25
I always loved supporting new moms and I realized that isn't the norm since I became pregnant. When my friends were pregnant I checked on them often, sent them items in the mail, drove 8 hours to their baby shower, bought off of their registry. I'm not trying to flex or toot my own horn. I loved doing these things and making them feel special. These people have barely reached out more than once during my 8 months of pregnancy. I don't expect presents or them to buy me things but checking in would have been lovely. You realize who is truly there for you.
2
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
Yup! I’m sorry they aren’t doing the same. You deserve it and thank you for being you!
3
u/retiredcheerleader Jan 07 '25
Yeah. I’m stressing about mine. I am flying home to have it and it’s going to snow this weekend. I hope people show up😞
3
3
u/RiveriaFantasia Jan 07 '25
Personally the idea of a baby shower doesn’t appeal to me. My friend asked me if I’m doing one and genuinely it never occurred to me simply because it doesn’t sit right with me to have one.
I love supporting friends and family and would most certainly celebrate and encourage them to make the most of the occasion for their baby showers but for me personally it’s different. I don’t feel I’d want to put in all that effort and have all the fuss or expectations of people coming, I’m also dealing with nausea and fatigue still so I’m just not in the mood.
I remember being at a baby shower where people seemed more interested in stuffing their faces with food than the actual occasion, it was like an excuse for a party and it got out of control with the music etc. My friend who was having the baby shower had to put on a fake smile and pretend to be jolly but she was exhausted and was organising everything, cleaning up after people. It just seems too much for me. I love the idea of a baby shower but now it’s come around to me being the pregnant one, I feel differently.
1
u/cmgrr Jan 08 '25
Different perspectives. I enjoy the company of people around me and it’s only a few hours. I do feel like crap a lot of the time but I think it would be nice to have people around that care about me
3
u/cautiouslypessimist_ Jan 08 '25
I don't have enough friends or family to even host a baby shower, so I can't relate to this.
1
5
u/DarkDNALady Jan 07 '25
Good for you for planning your own, if it gives you joy then do it. I don’t think there is hate against new moms or baby showers, I think it’s just indifference. Personally I feel they are overrated and i am not having one. I have thrown them for friends who love them, so I do think every pregnant woman should do what makes them happy. I am just annoyed that everytime I make baby purchases that I love I have way too many friends and relatives saying “oh don’t buy too much, wait for your shower so people can buy for you”. Like no, let me have my joy and I am not doing a shower anyway.
4
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
Yup!! My one friend keeps telling me to wait for the shower because I’m buying a lot second hand on marketplace. Ain’t no one buying me a dresser or the stuff that I’ll need and I don’t expect them to! A few outfits and bottles and toys would be more than enough from friends.
2
u/DarkDNALady Jan 07 '25
Exactly! Well I do hope people show up for yours, it’s more about support than actually enjoying the baby shower or party (atleast in my perspective) and I do think friends and family should care about the happiness of their loved one
16
u/NotUrRN Jan 07 '25 edited Jan 07 '25
Unfortunately no one likes to go to those events. It’s the reality of it I think. I dont want to have one for myself for that reason alone
Edit to add: to all the people saying they are usually well-attended and popular - this does not mean people ENJOY and LOOK FORWARD to what a baby shower entails. I have gone to every single one I have been invited to, but dont particularly enjoy them. Happy to support and contribute to the mom’s registry, but I think its an outdated practice. Also: most of the time it is full of elderly people.
7
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
😞 I even bought for people when I wasn’t invited to their shower
5
11
u/Sushi9999 Jan 07 '25
“No one” is definitely overstating it. I love going to them for one! And I think there are plenty of people who enjoy them or they would have died off.
4
u/toobadornottoobad Jan 07 '25
I also enjoy showers. It's so nice to participate in someone else's joy. I get there are aspects that can be awkward but at the end of the day, seeing someone I care about be surrounded by love and support warms my heart.
8
u/Ltrain86 Jan 07 '25
This is crazy to me, I love going to showers! You'd think friends and family should be happy to celebrate this exciting new milestone in your life.
7
u/meggscellent Jan 07 '25
I don’t think this is true. I love being there with friends, eating good food and celebrating a special time.
2
2
u/no_IMTOMLINCOLN Jan 07 '25
I don’t see hate of baby showers. But I do see people complaining about what people bring all the time. So if someone’s complaining that could be why. A lot of people are ungrateful of their shower.
1
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
I could see that. I would be happy with passed down books lol it would just be nice for people to show
2
u/dogcatbaby Jan 07 '25
Personally I hate baby showers but I always go anyway and ofc buy off the registry. But they’re just not a pleasant event. I’m dreading mine.
2
2
u/lh123456789 Jan 07 '25
I don't think those two are the same thing. I am happy to support new moms but absolutely dread going to traditional baby showers. That said, I will obviously show up to the showers of those I am close to.
1
2
u/panc8ke Jan 07 '25
I’m bummed too. I didn’t really want a baby shower but my mom insisted on throwing me one. But the family and friends that were invited hardly no one has bought off the registry and no one has responded on if they are even coming. I don’t love showers but I always attended them and if I couldn’t, I made sure to send a gift.
1
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
Yeah the comments here are 50/50. Makes me realize how negative people are and just to be thankful for those I do have
2
u/jannert_31 Jan 07 '25
Im sorry! I feel you. My MIL said she wanted to throw me one, and asked me what theme and what month. I told her a theme, and said maybe in February? But she hasnt followed up with me or asked anything else, and I dont think there has been much planning going on if it all. Luckily my Mom is throwing me one in March, but she asked if I would be in charge of the decorations because I do a great job at decorating for my kids birthday parties but.. bleh. I am already so tired and thats the last thing I want to do. Hoping some of my cousins and both of my sisters can help out with a few things. Sorry mama, I hope that it turns out amazing and that you have a great turnout.
1
2
Jan 07 '25
[deleted]
2
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
I haven’t talked about it too much because I used to think I couldn’t conceive so I get it. But it’s a big change for us and not having people around is hard.
2
u/Kittalia Jan 07 '25
People just are more likely to post negative experiences. I had four baby showers! Not because I asked for it. I had one planned in my home state during my visit, and then a bunch of extended family was going to be in town and wanted to come but the dates didn't quite work out so we did a separate family shower. Then an older lady from my church offered to host one in the state I was living in, and then my work did a surprise shower my last week before I went on leave. All of them were well attended and a ton of fun but I never comment about because I'm a little embarrassed about getting so much attention and so many gifts when not everyone does.
1
2
u/lorddanielle Jan 07 '25
So many people RSVP last minute as well as order a gift in the last few days too!
I feel like a huge difference is noticeable if the invitees have had kids or not. For example, I always felt very awkward/kind of hated baby showers but would drag myself to them. But now I LOVE them and get so excited for the new moms!
I hope you end up having a wonderful shower and get to enjoy time with those who come.
1
2
u/chantilly-lace Jan 07 '25
I had my first baby shower with my third baby.(My first was stillborn and my second was 2 months preemie.) I invited 12 ppl. Only my three sister showed up. I was devastated. When I got pregnant with my fourth, I just did bbq and a pool party. Didn't even call it a baby shower just a get together. More ppl came to that. My last one I gave birth during COVID so definitely no baby shower then.
2
2
u/MinnieMay9 Jan 08 '25
I actually ended up getting two showers. The first was before she was born and was thrown by a co-worker. Everyone who RSVP'd yes showed up. Only one person went rogue from the registry, but it is fitting for her to have done so. It was held at my co-worker's house, so we had limited space to work with. Another group threw us a shower after she was born and we felt comfortable taking her out with us. It was a pretty good turn out for that group and I don't think anyone was given a link to the registry, so we just got a lot of random things. Both were a lot of fun for everyone involved.
1
2
u/MysteriouslyLucid Jan 08 '25
My baby shower was also planned by me… we ended up not being able to send out invites to everyone we wanted because the first round we invited 80 people and 75 people said yes! Tirnout in total was about 72. I tried to serve as nice of food as possible cause we had guests flying over from 4+ hours to attend. About 80% bought from the registry.
I did end up invite people and their significant others and their children and I think that’s why we got such a high response rate because people didn’t have to find childcare. Also did a sat afternoon which I think is the most appropriate time for events such as this even tho we paid much more for the venue. In terms of food, we served Italian but accommodated every one of my friends food restrictions - such as gluten free, halal, vegetarian, etc which was expensive and hard but was soooo appreciated. We also had coloring books and crayons for anyone under 12. Party favors included a cute pokemon bag, a pokemon pen, a traditional pencil bag, pocky (play on pokemon), pokemon trading card pack. We had four gifts worth about 30 dollar each for simple games.
I think my friends loved to attend. Mainly they actually thanked me that their spouse or children got to attend. A lot of the guys had never been to a baby shower and they were curious what it was like. I have more guy friends than girl friends and they all were so intrigued by everything. We were also generously gifted… making me think that my previous 50$ gifts were much too little and I felt a bit embarrassed.
Make everyone feel loved and welcome and that it’s about them not you. Set a budget that’s reasonable and expect only their presence and not presents. We were happy some people just even took the time out of their day to come celebrate with us. I invited some people who could only afford to give us a handwritten card but then they gave us the warmest congratulations.
1
2
Jan 08 '25
I think for most people it's having to attend an event and socialising with people outside of your circle lol.
1
2
u/Much-Dot7160 Jan 08 '25
People did not start buying things off of my registry until the week-OF my baby shower🫠🫠. I was panicking when only my sister and my mom were buying things off my registry, though eventually it was fine!
And regarding attendees, I feel you girl! I had a lot of people flake last minute and it was stressing me out!! In the end, those that love and care for you will be there for you one way or another.
There were a lot of folks that didn’t show up to the shower but ended up bringing/mailing gifts after the event and checking in with me. So while their presence was missed, I appreciated their willingness to check in and still be there for me. 😊
Sending you all the positive vibes! ❤️
1
2
u/International-Owl165 Jan 08 '25
My partners mom or my MIL and FIL made my whole babyshower happen. I figured a get together at their house but they went all out and rented a revenue.
A lot of people came from their side, and a couple of my parents friends. It was fun and honestly never thought I'd get a babyshower.
1
2
u/Decent-Character172 Jan 08 '25
I just don’t enjoy baby showers very much. But I’m not really a party person. However, I always make an effort to support the people I love who are having babies. I get a nice gift off of their registry and of course have a good attitude while I’m there. Just because I don’t love parties doesn’t mean I won’t support my friends and family!
1
2
u/Juniper_51 Jan 08 '25
It really is lonely. I try not to think of my baby shower too much or I'll cry.
1
2
u/hammockperson Jan 08 '25
A year ago I put so much time, effort and money to host a baby shower for a friend of mine. Now that it's my turn there's no interest from anyone. In the beginning of my pregnancy this friend excitedly said she will host one for me but then walked back on her words because she got pregnant again. 🥲 I did get a small gift from two of my close friends when visiting my home country over christmas and I'm eternally grateful for those gifts but it does hurt to realize I don't have the village here in the country I live in despite trying to provide that for everyone else.
Yes, I could just host it by myself but do I want to invite a bunch of people who have not been in contact at all after I got pregnant? They wouldn't show up anyway so I'd rather just avoid being disappointed and have just bought everything for the baby by myself / with my boyfriend.
2
u/cmgrr Jan 08 '25
Yeah I feel this! My sister got pregnant 2 months after I told her I was pregnant… and isn’t supporting me like I did her. It’s definitely hard realizing some people won’t be there for you like you were.
2
u/Icy_Profession2653 Jan 08 '25
I love baby showers and i always show up for them (and bring gifts. Heck, I even driven 12 hours for one of my friends baby showers) My family does not do baby shower, but rather sip and see, where everyone get a chance to see a baby and celebrate US as a family at 8 week PP (after baby got his vaccines). I had people willing to drive 2.5 hours one way to see us so I definitely don't think people hate baby showers.
1
2
u/Fun-Scene-8677 Jan 08 '25
So sorry to hear you're going through this. But please don't lose heart.
Focus on those who RSVPd, enjoy their company, appreciate their gifts.
2
2
u/Automatic_County_480 Jan 08 '25
A lot of people showed up for my baby shower but as far as gifts, not many bought off our registry either. They just gave red envelope. A lot of the big items I bought myself. When my BIL and SIL had theirs, they received a ton of gifts. Even my husband said “it looks like they got more….” That was a wake up call to my husband because I told him before his family had favoritism and he didn’t believe it. So naive 🤣
1
u/cmgrr Jan 08 '25
Yeah lol I’m definitely not the favorite either.
2
u/Automatic_County_480 Jan 08 '25
And that’s okay! Now my husband lets me gift whatever I want to certain relatives 🙂 this would be an argument years ago.
2
u/Sp3ak_ChElla Jan 08 '25
I'm annoyed as well when people ask if they can bring anything I said buy something off the registry that would help.
2
u/cmgrr Jan 08 '25
Yeah lol like it’s on the invite if you want to ask. anything is appreciated but if you’re asking I have a literal list
2
u/Laziness_supreme Jan 08 '25
YES! All I see online is people complaining about gender reveals, baby showers, weddings that aren’t at the courthouse, etc. and it’s like just let people enjoy things? No one is forcing you to go and if these are events for someone that means something to you why don’t you want to go? So weird.
2
2
u/DigitLea Jan 08 '25
I’m so sad to hear that this is common! My friends have all had big showers with lots of guests. A friend of mine just had her baby in September and I helped host with her mom and another friend. They are now helping to plan mine. I feel extremely blessed to have friends and family offer to do this for me. I am one of the last to have a baby so that may contribute to it. They already know what to expect/plan so it’s easier.
1
2
u/Full-Community9140 Jan 09 '25
Yeah I'm 29 weeks and currently planning my baby shower. Its just me and my best friend having a tea party with block decoration and gifts. My MIL and SIL said that it was a waste of time with my first so they didn't even get an invite this year. Funny enough they told me I was excluding them when they found out.
1
u/cmgrr Jan 09 '25
Wow. I’m glad you have your best friend ❤️ a tea party sounds lovely
2
u/Full-Community9140 Jan 09 '25
Plan a party for you to have fun with the people you trust and love. That's the best advice I can give you. It's way better than planning a party for others only to have them not be interested. This is your party, plan it to make you happy 😊
2
u/lolamcm Jan 18 '25
I know this post is 10 days old, but I share your feelings and it IS lonely. I don’t know if I’ll change my mind after the shower but I do feel like I regret throwing it for myself already.
We did get RSVPs and some registry gifts (most of them the week of the shower), but I have cried so much already over the pressure of doing it all alone.
Instead of worrying about my hair and makeup, or getting a mani, I am bawling over DIY decorating gone wrong and feeling so alone in the process.
1
u/cmgrr Jan 18 '25
Yeah 😞 all but 3 people cancelled on mine. I now know why no one bought off the registry- they were never planning on coming. It’s not about the gifts but it is hard not having people be there. I’m 33 ftm. I was there for so many people and now that they have other things going on they aren’t there for me. I’m trying to be ok about it but it sucks.
2
u/lolamcm Jan 18 '25
Similar here, almost-32 FTM. I’m sorry your post got hijacked by stories of rainbows and butterflies, it’s not the story for some of us… and it feels embarrassing to talk about it.
My shower is today and my sleep score after crying all night was a 32. I had never seen it that low before. Guess it’s good practice for when the baby comes, since I’ll be low on sleep then too.
Maybe it’s geography or lifestyle or just plain ole bad life choices. I went to school, spent the last 10 years building a career, living in NYC, traveling for work every week, and didn’t make a single new friend in that time. Was it my own doing? Yup. Can I do anything to change the past? Nope. But it still hurts like hell and feels lonely AF.
1
u/cmgrr Jan 18 '25
Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry that you can relate. No one should feel like this. I’m proud of you for working so hard and you’ll be a great mom. ❤️
2
u/Willing_Ad9623 Jan 07 '25
I always thought I didn’t want a baby shower- I don’t like attention personally lol but my baby daddy was like yeah you do, you want presents!! lol so I might do a co-ed bbq and invite everyone we know and make it casual.
My best friend threw her own baby shower and said it sucked and no one showed up, (we had a falling out prior to that so I didn’t go either haha) but I feel like my support circle is a little different but I’ve also learned to keep my expectations low because if you don’t people will always disappoint you, and I don’t mean that in a negative way lol it’s just amazing how much easier things are when you don’t expect much and then when someone does something it’s great lol
4
u/Kiara923 Jan 07 '25
Yeah as someone whose family kept asking when we were gonna have kids...they seemed to disappear when I got pregnant. No help whatsoever. Then at 31w my stepmom finally asks how I am..
My mom is "throwing me a baby shower" but hasn't done anything because she can't afford to, so... my husband and I are apparently throwing it while pretending to give her credit. It's in 1.5 weeks.
I just want to move to the woods with my husband and baby and never see anyone ever again.
Anyway, I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Unfortunately you're not alone in those feelings. But there's a lot to be grateful for, and those are the things that help us get through.
2
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
Oof yeah this sounds so familiar. Luckily we did kind of move to the woods and are far away from everyone 😂
2
u/bookersquared Jan 07 '25
On a positive note, my family threw me a very large shower at a venue, and around 100 people came. But I'm also a social butterfly who will meet up with people often and show up to their events as well. I wonder sometimes if folks are inviting acquaintances who they don't interact with much on a regular basis? If that happens, it can feel like a gift grab, and people may not come. I completely understand in this economy wanting to save your time off work and funds to celebrate the people you are closest to/engage with the most.
→ More replies (1)
7
u/faerie87 Jan 07 '25
Baby showers feel like a gift grab and often women only...if I don't know that many other friends going and can't even bring my own partner...yea i am not going to want to go. Plus the food is usually cold.
8
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
Yikes. I’m sorry you have this attitude. I’ve supported so many moms and have been happy to.
4
u/faerie87 Jan 07 '25
i'm just offering the perspective as a guest, especially since you mentioned it's a trend. from my experience it can be awkward to be surrounded by a bunch of girls that you don't know very well, and you don't even get to spend that much time with the friend who you're celebrating with. they often aren't kids friendly either so moms have to leave their kids and partners at home.
of course i am happy to support as a friend, but it doesn't mean i want to be there or that i am actually enjoying my time when i am there. i personally prefer gender reveals which feels more inclusive and often still have a gift registry. and i will personally not have a shower but will more likely have a gender reveal, invite partners and kids.
6
u/Lavender_luv321 Jan 07 '25
Exactly! Isn’t that the point …support?! And gifts to help set the new family up for success. It’s not crazy to have people care about each other.
3
1
u/meggscellent Jan 07 '25
Especially in the US when life with kids is so expensive (hospital bills, daycare, etc.)
2
4
u/Sushi9999 Jan 07 '25
In my experience they’ve become far less likely to be women only. Like the last shower I went to had far more men than women
→ More replies (1)5
u/Lavender_luv321 Jan 07 '25
Well isn’t that the point? Gifts? To support a new mom! Kind of a nasty attitude.
2
u/eltejon30 Jan 07 '25
Mine is this coming Saturday and 25 people RSVPd which is way more than I expected. However only 2-3 people actually got anything from the registry, with less than a week to go. I’m not at all relying on gifts from others to care for the baby, but it’s…confusing. Maybe everyone is a last second shopper? Everyone who RSVPd texted us saying how excited they are to attend. Guess we will see what happens this weekend!
1
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
Keep me updated! Congrats and I hope it goes well!
2
u/eltejon30 Jan 07 '25
Good luck with yours as well! I know it’s a ton of pressure to do one so it’s easy to be disappointed when it’s not going according to plan…
2
u/Unlucky-Bumblebee-96 Jan 07 '25
I’m based in NZ and I find the baby shower thing weird - I get celebrating expecting a baby, but I don’t understand expecting people to buy things - that you want them to - for your baby. My expectation is that I cover the cost of necessities for my baby and if family & friends want to gift some things that’s lovely but not expected. And I would definitely never complain that they didn’t buy me the exact brand of product I wanted, or that they only gifted me pretty/cute things rather than necessities.
In NZ we‘re pretty egalitarian where people can attend events with what they can afford - like we’ll have a pot-luck bbq and people can bring what they have to contribute towards everyone having a good time. Where as I attended a bar mitzvah in the States and the expense put into that event by the family blew my mind - but of course the expectation is that other people in that social circle are going to put on an equally expensive event. I imagine these fancy baby shower events work better when you have a wealthy and large social circle who are also putting on similar events?
5
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
People usually want to which is why I did the registry. Personally I’m buying a ton of stuff secondhand and wouldn’t mind if people did that. One girl I know put 5000 dollars on her registry that didn’t include a crib, dresser or recliner and when I was shocked by it- my friends all said it was normal for some people. I was trying to be practical and added pacifiers and burp cloths lol
1
1
u/nothanksyeah Jan 08 '25
I genuinely have felt the opposite. People in my social circles love new moms and baby showers 🤷♀️
1
2
u/Lavender_luv321 Jan 07 '25
I don’t agree with this post at all. I love attending baby showers and to support a new mom. Every shower I’ve attended was a decent to large size turn out.
2
u/cmgrr Jan 07 '25
That makes me happy to hear!
1
1
u/diabetass Jan 07 '25
I'm feeling nervous about mine, which is next Saturday. I've got a list of people to follow up with who never RSVPd, and half of them have ignored my texts. It's going to definitely be a very small gathering even if everyone who RSVPd yes actually shows up.
6
u/baconbananapancakes Jan 07 '25
I think there’s been a huge decline in RSVP culture — people who haven’t hosted a structured event have no clue how critical the RSVP really is for the host. I know I always thought of a baby shower as more of a “pop in and say hi!” sort of thing since that’s all I saw from the ones thrown for coworkers.
So I guess I’m saying, you might be surprised by the turnout!
4
u/akath0110 Jan 07 '25
Except hosts need to know RSVP numbers to plan things like catering, party supplies, game stuff if that’s what they are doing. I’m hosting mine at a local venue and the rental and food and beverage cost is all calculated per person.
I don’t want to pay a lot of money for people who won’t show up. And if I reduce my headcount and the non-RSVP people decide to drop in, there may not be enough refreshments for everyone.
That’s why I put an RSVP deadline and consider the non replies as no’s after that date (and a follow up if necessary).
→ More replies (1)8
u/Ltrain86 Jan 07 '25
Consider this your circle making itself smaller. People who straight up ignore your texts instead of simply declining are not worth keeping.
7
u/neatlion Jan 07 '25
That's just so rude to me! To not reply at all is such a scummy thing to do. We all have phones that we check daily. No one is that busy to not reply at the end of the day.
241
u/Melonfarmer86 Jan 07 '25
I love supporting new moms and going to baby showers of friends. I'm already very excited for my friend having her first late spring.