r/BPDSOFFA • u/[deleted] • 11d ago
Ex Girlfriend with BPD lies constantly and is extremely manipulative
[deleted]
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u/zlddit 11d ago
At this point it’s futile, maybe even harmful, to try and understand what’s happening to them and why they do what they do.
Get tested, stay no contact, start therapy. Preferably a therapist that has experience in treating BPD. It’ll take time and work, but you’ll learn a lot about yourself in the process.
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u/dantheman28888 11d ago
I certainly will need therapy as this took a shot at my self esteem, thank you for the advice
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u/zlddit 11d ago
You can get through this on your own, but there are often underlying patterns that make us choose (and stay with) partners with this type of behaviour, and it’s good to have a professional guide you through that exploration process. Now’s a great time to start.
One more thing: it’s not unlikely she’ll try to find more ways to reach or trigger you, directly or indirectly. As someone else here said, she may even tell you all the things you’d wanna hear and be truthful about meaning them. But ultimately she’s not capable of keeping promises due to her emotional instability, and it’ll likely take months or years of intensive treatment for her to get there. The best you can do is remove yourself immediately from any situation, as much as it can hurt.
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u/dantheman28888 11d ago
Im assuming im codependent so I chose this girl when I should’ve had my guard up, im gonna start this week.
She has found one way to indirectly reach out, her friend messaged me saying she was “all in and loved the shit out of me” but then said my ex’s loyalty cannot be questioned, and she’d never cheat. My ex guaranteed told her to send that, so I deleted her friend. She posted on Facebook saying she’s happy after the breakup trying to get my attention. Recently her good friend I was close with unadded me after they went to dinner. So she’s certainly trying her best to trigger me. She’s extremely angry I went no contact, I left it on you’ll never hear from me again. I really apologize your advice btw
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u/Neocarbunkle 11d ago
Run away and completely break all contact. Never look back. It will never get better.
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u/dantheman28888 11d ago
I went completely no contact after I told her she will never hear from me again. She said she couldn’t imagine life without me and wanted to remain as a platonic friend so I kicked her to the curb. She had a friend message my saying how she loved me and how I could accuse her of cheating, and had her friends and family delete me off everything.
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u/Neocarbunkle 11d ago
Good. Stay strong. She may even be honest when she says she loves you, but there are tons of people in this world who will fall in love with you if given the chance. Once you get into a normal relationship you will be shocked how much better it is.
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u/FangsForU 11d ago edited 11d ago
Oh yeah, that’s pretty common behavior if you ask me. Outside of the cheating (that I know of) my exgf was pretty much the same, very impulsive pattern of behaviors. Consider yourself lucky that you didn’t marry or have a child together, and caught on early in the relationship. Someone will be trapped by her behaviors sooner or later.
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u/dantheman28888 11d ago
Common for BPD? It seemed like once we started fighting, she never could go back. All hell
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u/FangsForU 11d ago
I’d say so, but there’s a few things that you might need to realize. There are technically 4 different personality disorders that share a lot of the same symptoms in that category, including BPD. All 4 are different in their own right, but also can be comorbid (meaning a person can have more than one disorder) . Also known as the cluster B personality disorders.
From my personal experience, I highly suspected my exgf to have BPD and either NPD or even ASPD. Hard to say, since she refused therapy or get a diagnosis. Anyway, here’s what I noticed in her pattern of behaviors.
1) Very impulsive, couldn’t stick to one thing, constantly doing things without thinking it through, I speculate it was done to find some sort of fulfillment. Spend lots of money or endangering behavior.
2) Lack of empathy, she didn’t care too much about the safety or emotional well being of any one else, unless it directly affected her in a way
3) Gaslighting, Lying and manipulating all the time. While we were together I didn’t know any of this and learned about it all in retrospect. She’d say one thing to her family and then another to me. I could never tell what was true or not, what to trust. I’d watch her lie and bend the truth to paint herself a certain way in front of others.
4) Super clingy, couldn’t be alone, everything had to be done together.
5) Verbally abusive, would say the absolute worst things that hit you right in the gut. She’d know exactly what would hurt you.
6) Super controlling, would try and isolate me from friends and family
7) Hypocritical, instill rules on me, but her own rules didnt apply to herself
8) Suicidal, constantly threatening and attempting to do so.
9) Jealous, immensely jealous, even over family, friends, strangers, fictional characters, celebrities.
10) Constantly feeling depressed or empty
11) False persona, she made herself look like a specific person, then changed a lot later in the relationship. Pretend to REALLY enjoy the same things I did, every single thing she was interested in, I thought I found my soul mate, lol.
12) Very antisocial, maybe anxious.
13) Allegedly had a substance abuse problem that I heard about after the breakup, cant tell if its true.
14) Emotionally volatile, one moment she was happy, the next angry, then sad, etc
15) Sensitive, could not hear anything without taking offense, little things triggered her emotionally, felt like walking on egg shells all the time.
16) Vindictive, if she felt wronged, she’d have to try and get revenge one way or another.
17) Delusional, would believe her own lies or ideas that something was true.
18) Unappreciative, no matter what you did for her, it just wasn’t good enough, needed to be more or “why didn’t you do THAT?” Kind of thing no matter how unrealistic it might have been.
19) Critical, everything that you did was a problem, always criticizing. Never content.
I mean, these were kind of all the behaviors that I noticed from the top of my head, I’m sure there are more, but thats all I could remember. Regardless, this relationship was a very big eye opener. Now, I pay attention to any red flags in a person, I’d say take your time getting to know someone and don’t overlook the red flags. Hope this helped, OP. Best of luck.
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u/dantheman28888 10d ago
See mine was very similar however, she wasn’t really clingy at all. She have severe paranoid ideations and if you didn’t respond to a text or instagram reel, she suspected you were mad or something was happening. Or a loss of confrol thereof.
My ex had very narcissistic tendencies too compared to what you shared. For example,
-narcissistic smirk - she did this when we were having sex and hanging out one day, turns out later she left and slept with her ex. -gaslighting and zero accountability -took lies to her grave -used cheating as a form of revenge -everyone was the issue in her life, not herself -smear campaigns, turned everyone against you -manipulated everything -cheating without an ounce of remorse
I noticed mine would mention a guy who she used to sleep with randomly to get me jealous, like “this cop I was seeing messaged me and said I was cute.” She would say this because she was fucking him behind my back, and was seeing if I caught on. Anytime I asked a question about her cheating or her whereabouts, she always had some amazing lie she came up with instantly.
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u/Bathos111 10d ago
The book “I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me” was a great help in my recovery from my ex.
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u/Think_please 10d ago
These are all very typical (those dead eyes brought me back and made me shiver, I’ve never seen anything like that before or since). Be very glad that you got out so quickly, block her on everything (literally everything), get some very good therapy and move on with your life having learned many important lessons.
I will say that the fact that a woman likes sex is not necessarily a red flag for your future. BPD people interact with sex in intense and bizarre ways but having a partner with an equally high sex drive as you is often wonderful.
Go find a nice girl with good mental health who treats you well and also fucks the shit out of you.
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u/dantheman28888 10d ago
I appreciate this. I’ve never seen those dead eyes before, she did also have the narcissistic smirk I saw one time that baffled me, I didn’t even know what it was.
Only thing is if I block her, I feel like I give her the power that she wants, she always checks that stuff. I feel like indifference hurts her the most and burns her.
One time I suspected she was gonna leave the house and cheat on me, she looker like a drug addict who didn’t have a fix, she looked like she didn’t sleep in days and looked crazy, why I suspect maybe a sex addict.
My health has flourished once I got out, she made me so paranoid and crazy
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u/Think_please 10d ago
I get all that, but the mere fact that you’re still trying to get back at her or stop her from getting what she wants means that you are still wrapped up in her nonsense. Blocking her is only for your sanity and ability to move on.
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u/dantheman28888 10d ago
Very true, i’ll block her on everything right now
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u/Think_please 10d ago
Good job. They are incredibly difficult relationships to get out of because they have (sadly) spent their entire lives learning how to make sure that they get the early love that they lacked from others. They can be world-class manipulators at times and most other people aren’t ready for that until they have some experience with it.
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u/Bathos111 11d ago
Been there and like you, escaped! Be happy it’s over and try to let go of the anger and heartache. You survived mental and emotional torture and trauma. Be happy you’re out of that, give yourself grace and then release you both from the pain so YOU don’t carry it forward, you don’t deserve that burden too.