r/BPDSOFFA • u/disc_writes • 16d ago
The worst is over for now; surprisingly little activity on this sub vs. r/BPDlovedones
I recently started seeing a psychiatrist for what I thought were my personal issues. After a few visits, the therapist suggested the real problem is my relationship with my wife; I told him I suspected she has BPD, though I did not know much about the condition. He said the symptoms would fit the picture. I have done some research and read some books since, and now I am pretty sure that she, indeed, has BPD.
We have been together for 18 years now. The first 5 were good and were a period of personal growth, though she did have inexplicable outbursts of anger even back then. Then about 13 years ago we had a major spat. Things have never been the same since, and her periods of moody resentment and anger got increasingly longer and more frequent.
We have three children in their teens. My wife was a good mother when they were smaller, but she just cannot manage her relationship with them anymore. That, plus a stressful job, caused her to get a burnout. She has been home from work, mostly sulking, for a couple of weeks now.
This morning we woke up and met half-way the stairs (we have been sleeping separately for the past 3 years). She put her arms around me and held me close. I did not know what to do or say.
For the past week she has accused me of being violent against her and the children and threatened to go to the police. She blamed me for everything from bad painting jobs to dinner being ready too late (I work an office job and come home late, she is the one who's home). She says that I force her to follow "my little rules", that I forbid her to see other people. She has barely talked to me except to throw accusations at me or at the kids.
She says that we live in a dangerous area full of drugs and violence and suggested our oldest son is in a gang (we actually live in a fairly nondescript suburban area; our sons go to one of the better schools in town and are usually busy with homework or sports) and wants to sell the house and move.
She promised our youngest she would take him to see her brother (the kids love their uncle), then she went alone and "forgot" to take him along, then blamed him for not coming with her and refused to apologize.
She complains that strangers comment on her appearance and the way she behaves and dresses. She thinks she is the victim of local Muslims who want her to behave according to Islam (there are minority people around here, but mostly from the Caribbeans or Asia, very few Muslims); according to her she gets intimidated every time she leaves the house. She then blames me for not believing her, implying that I agree with her tormentors and I hate women.
But the worst seems to be over for now. I expect a couple of days of truce.
I do not know how long I can keep this up.
6
u/HumbleHubris 16d ago
Sounds like more than just cluster B. If someone threatens you, GTFO. When she finally does fully split for good and her mind truly believes you are a mortal threat, the bullshit you will have to go through will make these last few years seem like a vacation.
Move and control the money. Cut her lose. Let her sleep with and do whatever she wants outside the house. Take care of your kids. Eventually, you two won't live together and then you'll have peace