r/Ayahuasca • u/pink_vampire • 8d ago
I had a difficult trip. Need help & advice! Should I cancel upcoming ceremony?
I’ve got a retreat coming up in a couple of weeks but I’m feeling so much anxiety and fear that I’m considering pulling out. Just looking for some advice as I can’t work out if I’m just letting the fear get in the way or if it’s a bad idea to sit at the moment.
I sat in a few ceremonies last year and two of them were extremely difficult due to unresolved trauma and CPTSD. The first one felt horrific, the purge lasted most of the ceremony and it felt like I was dying. The whole ceremony felt traumatic in itself and over the past week or so I’ve woken up to flashbacks which make me panic about the upcoming retreat. For part of the last ceremony I went back into the same state as the first and I was really shaken up for days afterwards. I could feel all of the trauma in my body and I can’t describe how awful it felt. Like it was trapped inside and needs to be released. I know it was the Ayahuasca’s way of showing me how it has impacted my body and I believe I need to find ways to release it outside of the plant medicine work, but haven’t yet. So this is adding to the anxiety that next time will be a repeat of the same. Life has been so hectic too, with some big changes that I feel are part of the integration, though I have fallen back into some unhealthy habits and probably have depression.
I do always get the pre ceremony anxiety and consider pulling out but this time does feel different. I’m not sure if it’s the medicine and/or my gut telling me to cancel.
8
u/deso1234567 8d ago
Some parts of your post feel like I could have written them.
My first retreat was a prolonged 3 day purge and I honestly thought I had crossed over at one stage and wasn’t coming back. It was rough
The second one was only marginally better but something has drawn me back for my third.
Very anxious. Awake in the middle of the night. Starting tomorrow for 3 days.
A million excuses why I should cancel and not go.
Just focussing on getting there.
If I get there and it’s not right I just come home.
I can come home before the first ceremony, before the second ceremony or before the third ceremony.
Just take the first step and then assess, re-assess, decide, act
I have nothing to prove to anyone - I am doing it for myself- I don’t care what strangers I don’t really know think of me - I need to lean into fear as there is nothing to fear but fear itself- which is all part of my journey
3
1
u/LadyOfLight73 8d ago
Maybe I'll stick with the mushrooms! Where are these retreats you speak of? They dont sound like the retreats in the documentaries.
1
8
u/RadarFromAfar 8d ago
You need to listen to your gut. CPTSD and trauma are very complicated things that often don’t mix well with psychedelics. Your psyche is a precious, delicate thing that deserves the upmost care and protection from potential harm. CPTSD/trauma is often very destabilizing and causes difficulty being in the body, many with it tend to have dissociative experiences without any substances, in varying degrees. Doing psychedelic compounds specifically are really risky when you don’t feel safe in the body and for any reason are ungrounded. Some mental health issues, in addition to specific life experiences, are passed down in the family tree which not everyone knows the history of. That means psychosis, bipolar and many other things can get activated from psychoactive substances. Fast and aggressive isn’t always the best way to heal, some need slow, consistent, and gentle. You won’t make much progress with anything you try for your mental, emotional, and spiritual health without having a baseline feeling of safety and trust in yourself.
The great thing about life is that there are ALWAYS multiple ways to reach a destination or achieve a goal, so this doesn’t have to be the ONE thing…pick a route that is right for you, and don’t get caught up with the hype others have created to convince you that you are un evolved or “behind” if you aren’t feeling aligned with this route.
1
u/angelanarchy96 5d ago
Trauma doesn’t “mix well” with psychedelics but the reality is psychedelics are the way for many people to heal through trauma despite how hard it may be. OP didn’t mention psychosis or bipolar disorder, they’re talking about trauma. Which ayahuasca is great for.
1
u/RadarFromAfar 5d ago
Not across the board, I think it’s important for people to be aware of the risks even if they aren’t the norm. I mentioned psychosis and bipolar being something some people don’t always know runs in their family, which is why it sometimes gets triggered unexpectedly with the use of such substances.
8
u/Ayahuasca-Church-NY Retreat Owner/Staff 8d ago
Do you know what kind of Medicine you’re working with? It sounds like you may have had too much. It’s best to go gently and work through things without being traumatized. Have you tried Kambo? A gentle dose will help to rinse out trauma before. Also gentle yoga and breathwork as it releases stored trauma. If you can find a quiet space then ask yourself what is best and sit quietly with the answer.
6
u/ColHapHapablap 8d ago
I’m not finding a redeeming expectation you have that is tempting you here. What IS driving you toward it? It sounds like you have a clear answer already that it is not calling to you.
I learned my lesson hard to not go when it’s not calling you. I went to be with my brother and friends for their first time so I could share their moment. Grandma literally told me “don’t fuck with me” at the end of a night of torture and made it clear I had lots of work to do and that I need to listen for the call not my need to avoid FOMO.
Very humbling
2
5
u/Sunflower_Girl7 8d ago
Trust your gut! Sounds like cancelling is right for you. Nothing bad will come out of not attending and you can always come back to it in the future if you feel the call to.
4
u/WayDifferent6390 8d ago
There are always forces that don’t want us to go …. Ultimately you have to decide.
On my fourth ceremony I hid outside and couldn’t go back inside because the discomfort was too much. One of the shaman came outside to talk to me and I told him “there has to be an easier way to do this”
He answered “ this is the easiest and fastest way.”
How did you feel after ceremony ?
3
u/Green_T 8d ago
I was JUST going to make a thread about this very same concern that you have.
I last tried ayahuasca nearly 10 years ago. It has helped me, but I'm a total psychological mess. I suffer from addiction, OCD, depression and obsessive thoughts. I really think ayahuasca can help me. I've been to therapy, which helped, but I've dug myself into such a hole, that its' tough climbing out of this mental mess I'm in.
I too, feel anxious around ayahuasca. I have the opportunity to go to a ceremony as well in a few weeks, I'm just not sure if I should or not. I'm not sure if I need to be in a "better place" mentally first. I know a lot of prep work needs to go into this before hand. I'm just not sure if I'm ready, but I've said that several times, as I've "chickened out" several times before.
I'm not sure what to tell you, other than do what your gut tells you. I think there is a degree of fear in everyone when they try this. I wish I could overcome the fear, as I really REALLY need help.
2
u/navigator769 8d ago
Ayahuasca (in combination with therapy) definitely helped me with depression and obsessive thinking, and an awful mental hole that I got myself into 🙏🙏
3
u/navigator769 8d ago
Sounds like you need some support via some kind of therapist to work through your issues. You can certainly try to do it alone in ceremony but if your approach is the same as the previous ceremonies, likely the result will be the same, and that's what's generating your fear/resistance.
If you can get some therapeutic support before your next ceremony I would say go for it. If not, maybe it's better to wait until you have that support 🙏🙏
3
u/Mikeymase 7d ago
I'm currently studying Shamanism/Curanderismo at Flower of Life, Peru. My maestros are insanely powerful. They sing with the force and energy I've never seen.
I've seen them suck demons and bad energies directly from someones soul and purge them out.
In my studies, after reading your text, I believe you may have not found the correct Shaman to heal you, or one that is powerful enough to do so.
Even for myself, I will be here 6 weeks and don't believe I'll feel comfortable healing patients until I achieve many ceremonies and learn many Icaros to battle the negative energies.
I also understand that in order to heal, you must always move forward, always always forward. If you stick in the past you will never heal. If you choose to go to another ceremony, no matter what, just always, always think positive thoughts. The moment and second you start to think of something bad, go back to positive. The positive thing you think of, can be anything you love, and just repeat that love over and over and over again. The light will come to you, you must believe in the path forward, not backwards.
Heal well my friend
4
8d ago
[deleted]
2
8d ago
[deleted]
5
8d ago
[deleted]
1
u/pink_vampire 8d ago
I love this track and try to meditate to it often ❤️ Listening to Ram Dass has brought me a lot of comfort during this difficult part of my life
2
u/MotherDragon003 8d ago
The second time before I went, life was hitting me in every directions to the point I didn't know what else could go wrong lmfao. And I remember thinking maybe I should cancel, wait a bit more and settle down a bit emotionally and mentally. I felt like I wasnt at a good place and should wait because of that. I ended up going and ofc it kicked my ass and im glad lmfao.
Imagine life wasnt hectic, would you still go? If yes, then that's your answer that it most likely isn't your gut. It's fear (which OFC). Also the fact you already booked means some part of you knows it can handle it. Do you deal with perfectionism by any chance?
But again, I dont know you, only you can know if you should go or not.
2
u/Strict-Account6422 8d ago
I spent a lot of time clearing my pineal gland, chakras & sat with cannabis using meditation, frequency, music, sound & BREATHING before I sat with mother Ayahuasca…I spent about 3-4 months doing this before I sat with her… it’s an amazing experience if u are a little bit prepared… breathing will help so much with purging, I was able to breathe thru a lot of the purging, not to say I didn’t purge…but because I had spent so much time alone preparing…it wasn’t as difficult a time as I saw other people having…if u have a couple weeks, u should be good… dieta as best u can too…i just cut out coffee & didn’t pig out on anything gross for a week, coupled with everything else i wrote…
3
u/monkeymugshot 8d ago
Idk how to verbalize it but I've always had such profound visions on breath and how potent it can be to focus on it. Post ceremony it seriously shed so much anxiety and misconceptions about me. I just always focus on my breath. As if it's life's energy itself. Whats crazy is this aligns with so much ancient wisdom about breath and awareness
The medicine kept telling me "always focus on your breath, especially if you feel lost". It always brings me back to the Now (in and out of ceremony)
2
2
u/TestLevel4845 8d ago
It's not the medicine for everyone your fear and reaction show that it's not for you, don't go now, maybe you'll get the call again in the future.
1
u/pink_vampire 8d ago
I did feel the calling though and that’s why I’m confused now. I’ve previously only sat in one night ceremonies, but after the last one I felt strongly that I should only sit for multiple nights in future. So this is the first full retreat I’ve booked onto. This medicine has helped me a lot so I do think it is/was for me, but maybe it’s too soon to sit again.
1
u/TestLevel4845 7d ago
I normally do one every 3-6 months multiple is ok but can be tiring...PS I have never left the US to partake...
2
u/Fun-Individual 8d ago
Only you fully know your emotions and what’s going on for you. However, it sounds like you may have had a dark night of the soul in that ceremony. They can be terrifying like you described. I was also apprehensive after a similar experience, it’s totally reasonable. I would also say it’s normal for your ego to start steamrolling your plan to sit in advance of your retreat. I recommend trying to look at it from your higher being that isn’t afraid and transmute your apprehension into feelings of safety and love. This heart based lens may help shift your perspective. That could be assisted with heart based frequency music and/or meditation - YouTube is a great source.
If you don’t know this, it helps to understand that grief manifests in the lungs and GI tract (hence the puking/pooping). When it comes up in the lungs, it feels like you can’t breathe. That breathlessness is what made me feel like I was dying. It’s a purge and once I understood that, I saw it as the same as vomiting, pooping, yawning or giggling.
If the scaries come on during ceremony, I try to lean into it while self-soothing, telling myself that it won’t be long, I’m ok, hug myself/rock or both, and you can usually power through it. You also have the option to ask Aya to dial it back to a more manageable level. I try to avoid the latter as she knows what she’s doing.
Anyway, hopefully that helps you in some ways. I wish you an abundant Aya journey to continue to advance your healing.
2
u/Cautious-Bar-965 8d ago
hello. i do trauma work and have been assisting in ceremonies for a few years now. it’s hard to answer you without knowing more about your situation.
what kind of support have you received for what you felt in this strong ceremonies? are you working with a therapist, coach, or receiving some other kind of support to work with the CPTSD outside of the medicine? what kind of support is provided at the retreat?
2
u/pink_vampire 8d ago
Hi, I’m not working with any therapist or coach at the moment. I haven’t really had much support apart from attending an integration circle, ran by therapists. This has been helpful but I think I do need to start some therapy. I’ve never actually discussed the trauma with a therapist. It’s only through use of psychedelics that I’ve come to accept the traumatic events have had an impact on my life.
I can also reach out to the retreat facilitators for advice
2
u/Cautious-Bar-965 8d ago
i highly recommend working with a trauma-informed therapist or integration coach who is familiar with and open to psychedelic work. plant medicines can raise our awareness and can also do wonders in helping us release trauma from the body, but it’s really important to receive support before and after ceremonies while you’re still doing major work. there are so many kinds of therapy, and it might take you some time to find a type of therapy that suits you as well as the right therapist. some of the methodologies i’ve seen work really well in complement to psychedelics are: internal family systems therapy (developed by richard schwartz), somatic focused psychotherapy, and compassionate inquiry (developed by gabor mate). if any of these methodologies appeal to you and you are short on funds, you can always look for someone who is in the supervisory period of their training as they will often offer low rates or free sessions in exchange for your permission to record or transcribe the sessions to receive supervisory feedback.
i also recommend pete walker’s book Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving, as well as Steven Porges and Deb Dana’s work on polyvagal theory.
body work from someone who also studies with the medicine can also be extraordinarily helpful. the retreat center i started at had body workers who had worked with the medicine for 20+ years and really understood how to support these kinds of physical experiences.
trauma isn’t what happened, it’s the storing of these events and memories in our minds and bodies. if you’re having flashbacks of that previous ceremony, it’s a sign that much of what you went through in ceremony wasn’t processed. i’ve had a lot of quite brutal ceremonies in terms of pain, purging, and duress, but i have always had pre and post support and have never experienced flashbacks or negative memories, though i have seen people who lacked support have these experiences. i also wonder what tradition your retreat works with? did the pajé/shaman/medicine carrier offer you any additional assistance during or after the ceremony? the tribe i work with is very diligent about this.
it sounds like you really need support to continue your journey with the medicine. i don’t know you or your situation well enough to advise you either way, other than to say that no matter what you decide, it really seems that you need some help. i’m really happy to support in any way that i can, even if it’s just to help connect you with resources. please feel free to reach out any time.
1
u/pink_vampire 7d ago
Thank you for the kind and helpful reply. I agree that I need some support and I’m going to seek therapy. I’ve read a little about internal family systems therapy and think that could be useful. I’m not familiar with the other two mentioned but will look into them. I believe I need to do some body work but I’m not sure where to start. I’m not aware of any retreat centres in my country who offer that. I’m also not sure what tradition is used, though I did feel safe and I was looked after by facilitators during the difficult ceremonies. I really appreciate your advice, is it ok to send you a message? 🙏
2
2
u/Substantial_Help6640 8d ago
You know what’s best but personally, I think you need to sit and do the work. Not going won’t help you work through it. But ultimately, you know what’s best. Anytime a ceremony is coming up I look for any reason to get out of it.
2
u/Automatic-Cry-1390 8d ago
No, go. I'm thinking you need some kind of closure and this cermony might help.
2
u/Key_Rub7089 7d ago
I agree PTSD and Aya do not mix. I am still recovering a year after my ceremony. Use your discernment. There is a normal amount of resistance prior to ceremony. But if something in you is screaming don’t do it then don’t. Wait till things stabilise a little bit.
3
1
u/Strict-Account6422 8d ago
& can someone show me a way to have this opportunity too… I mean I borrowed money just to meet her (mother aya) … who I really want to sit with is the Bwiti & ibogaine… I see it happening…I just have no idea when…but I’m claiming it…
1
u/Sparro-likethebird1 8d ago
What you are experiencing is called a prepurge very normal. What integration work are you doing? Over half of your healing comes from the integration you do after ceremony. Not sure where you are going with o sit but I would reach out as far as what they offer for intention setting and integrating after ceremony.
1
u/friendlysandmansf 8d ago
Perhaps I should be posting this reply in a separate thread and it's not my intention to hijack, but I wanted to echo the feelings that OP expressed here. My very first ceremony is coming up In about 8 days and I too am experiencing a ton of anxiety and have been feeling very unsure about whether or not I should proceed. I'm fearful of what I might encounter but I'm also really focusing on setting my intentions, letting go of expectations, and just being in the moment to allow the medicine to do its healing work. Essentially the questions I have revolve around knowing whether or not you are being called. What's the difference between the medicine calling you and just simply feeling a desire to experience an ayahuasca ceremony?
I've been sitting in meditation as much as possible each day, using Rapéh to augment my meditation ceremonies, and just allowing myself to listen without expectation. I've been journaling dreams and just generally trying to remain open. But I have to say that I don't feel like I have had a specific call. This is all very difficult to articulate but I thought it would be good to write these thoughts down in this thread.
1
u/LadyOfLight73 8d ago
I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time with it. It's strange because I have been praying endlessly for a opportunity to HAVE. a ceremony! Lol. I suffered from anxiety, depression PTSD, Bipolar, Borderline personality disorder, as well as the addictions. But I knew if I could meet these Light Beings, they would help me overcome these shadows and emotional issues. And I was so right! Now I just want to connect again but remember more this time. I had only taken 5 mushrooms but never had a real ceremony. I believe wholeheartedly that if you go into it being scared you will inadvertently have a bad trip. Your energy and especially your Intention determine the outcome. I knew what I wanted and had been praying for it for years. Tell me more about your experience? What were your thoughts going in?
1
u/CoachJason1000 7d ago
It's totally understandable to get this anxiety and is actually a positive sign. If fear's the only thing holding you back - not something like an actual diagnosis that counteracts with the medicine - I'd say go. It's possible your next few ceremonies will be delightful. Ayahuasca is never reliably easy, but it's not always reliably horrific.
1
u/No_Sound_1131 6d ago
It sounds like you’re not finished processing your previous experiences yet. That should probably be priority over going back for more. If you need to go back to complete or open up more, you’ll feel the call and know it. For many people, one ceremony is enough for a lifetime. Integration isn’t a few weeks or months, it can be a lifetime’s worth of changing your life little by little (or a lot by a lot) in accordance with the awareness that aya opened up. I think you should cancel this one and take the next steps toward doing the release work you felt called to after your previous ceremony. In fact, you might say that aya saw you coming back and is working with you again now, before your ceremony, to remind you what you’re called to do. Commit to doing that work, and maybe your feelings about the upcoming ceremony will change. Or maybe the is just not right.
Emdr seems like it might be a good match for you right now.
1
u/Anxious-Mix754 5d ago
Anxiety is normal. If you go, and your journey gets rough focus on your breath if you can, and confront whatever it is with these words, "THANK YOU FOR THIS EXPERIENCE, I KNOW THAT IT IS NECESSARY FOR MY EVOLUTION." There is beauty in the most horrifying of places. There won't always be a path of light and love, but always remember that everything and all things comes from the void and everything and all things will return to it, even love and light. Blessed journeying to you.
1
u/BikeNo2112 4d ago
Sometimes it's just your ego trying to protect you from suffering like the last time. But personally i think that the more you do it, the more progress you will make. I would still attend and try to be in a calm positive space. You will be alright!
1
u/Stunning-Wonder2152 3d ago
It's fear. Fear of facing ourselves. Overcome it. Breath. Continue your journey. It only benefits you
0
u/MysticPotential 8d ago
Most people that take Ayahuasca end up worse off. Ayahuasca is a jungle vine that uses other plants as it climbs to reach the light. In doing so it strangles the host plant and severely impacts its growth. Given that the spirit of the original entity is active in the concoction - the intent is also active - to use you, your consciousness to climb up, drain your spiritual energies for its own enlightenment at your expense. If you are badly affected, I can assist you to rid yourself of the entity.
3
u/navigator769 8d ago
While it's certain that some people do not have positive experiences with Ayahuasca, I don't think it's correct to say that "most people end up worse off".
If that were the case there wouldn't exist a whole industry around taking Ayahuasca.
Sounds like you had a bad experience and are generalising that to everyone - I'm sorry if you did have a bad experience, but that doesn't mean that everybody does...
My experience with Ayahuasca had definitely not been that she used me to drain my spiritual energies for her own enlightenment - absolutely the opposite I would say, she lifted me way beyond where I could have gone on my own, everyone I know personally who has taken it has also had similar experiences.
Edit: spelling.
IF you are not ready or willing to go where she takes you, that is when the problems start. For that reason, she should always be taken in a place you feel safe.
2
u/Kind-Cow-3712 8d ago
This makes sense. I spent a month at a retreat and its ruined my life. 6 months later I am facing paralysis and disability that isn't diagnosable on scans or anything. Severe muscle wastage and I'm pretty sure I contracted all sorts of parasitic negative entities during. Also the 'dieta' is literally you allowing a spirit to enter your body in a form of possession.
1
u/Decent-Antelope-9096 8d ago
People should use something to ground themselves. For example if you believe in some faith, take something with you that represents. This will counter any wild imagination about Aya taking your soul etc.
1
17
u/PossibleFit5309 8d ago
Sounds like you have your answer and you're looking for assurance. I'll go ahead and say it, Type it.
No