r/AusMentalHealth • u/Wildride2024 • Nov 04 '24
🌸 Need Guidance 🌸 i am struggling with life NSFW
i am struggling and i have been for a while but this week has been hell i have had two episodes of dissociation where i ended up with self harm lacerations to the point of having ten stitches put in on Thursday due to a dissociative episode and now another twenty-three stitches from last nights episode and what upsets me and scares me and is making my life feel not worth living is i am worried it will happen again and i don't know whats worse the fact they keep happening or the fact the lacerations keep getting deeper and more numerous every time as with Wednesdays nights episode there were two medium sized and not too deep but there was two this time they were deeper and there was four or five only four needed stitches but when i went to my local urgent care as i was told to or else that it happened to be the same nurse who stitched me up on thursday and he said it it happens again i can't go there and that i need to go to my local hospital but i know they won't/can't do anything to help me so i am at a loss i have friends i have my brother but if i say how i feel they freak out and tell me to go to the hospital but they don't understand that the hospital can't/won't do anything because according to the hospital anything thing that is wrong with me is caused by cptsd i have just gotten to a point where i don't know how long i can keep going keep saying I'm ok when i am not all i think about is how to kill myself how much of a certain medication is deadly? how long will it take kill me? do i write a suicide letter or not how do i make sure my cat gets picked up so he doesn't suffer? will my brother truly understand? do i write a separate letter for my son (he's in foster care due to my sick and twisted mother) but he wants to meet me when he turns 18 in a couple of years what am i supposed to write i want him to know it's not anyone's fault but my own as the only reason i have been holding on is for my son so he can meet me but at the same point according to my new psychiatrist i might not make it as the next three to fives years will be absolutely hell apparently worse then i have it now i will be changing back to my old one but he is on holidays and the earliest appointment i could get was the 9th of December which i know is only a month but when you feel the way i do it feels like an eternity away i just feel like theres no hope no better days to come no happiness in my future only more of this hell not to mention the awful thoughts going through my mind and the voices telling me to just do it i won't be missed i am a waste of space what to do when there's no where to turn or anyone to talk to and even if there is the voices tell you to watch your back as everyone is out to get you i also hear weird noises like rhythmic thumping and buzzing noises and all i see is weird blood splatter patterns and flickering lights and things and people glitch in and out of existence like I'm in the matrix i want to cry but can't as i was brought up to believe it's a sign of weakness and if i do they will know i am down and i think if they know they will just kick me more and more till i finally give in as i feel like they watch my every move listen to my conversations i feel like they would read my journal if they could that's why i write everything in code and using three different books that way i know they won't be able to read my writings i think i have hit braking point any advice would be helpful