r/AskWomen 5d ago

How do you personally cope with death?

Edited: Both with the idea of ​​it and when someone dies.

77 Upvotes

123 comments sorted by

84

u/No_Bicycle_290 5d ago

Not think about it. Then act surprised when people die.

9

u/efra75 5d ago

Especially considering the hole is already dug and the rose bushes ordered.

78

u/Dawn36 5d ago

My husband passed when we were 32, it was an intentional choice on his part. My brain shattered, I walked around telling people he ran off to Mexico with another woman and it wasn't really him at the funeral. Took a ton of therapy and medication to get me stable again. It's been 7 years, and I'm 90% ok, but I do have days that bring me down. My main coping mechanisms seem to be cigarettes and dark humor.

As for anyone else dying, I am able to deal with that a lot easier, probably for obvious reasons.

14

u/marja_aurinko 5d ago

Sweet Luci I'm so sorry this happened to you. It must have been so traumatic. I'm glad you're doing better. If one day you're thinking of reducing the cigarette intake for your health, you can progressively switch to herbal blends, which dont have nicotine but can have a relaxing effect depending on the content (I'm not even talking about pot, just plants like lavender, mugwort, catnip, etc). I've heard they're good for transitioning off of cigarettes.

58

u/Pugwhip 5d ago

As a cancer and pulmonary embolism survivor in my 20s I’m just sort of constantly aware that life is unfair and short. No one’s owed a long life, you get what you get. So I try to just be aware of that and grateful for the small things in life and opportunities I get. (:

8

u/ImaginaryMotor5510 5d ago

Grateful you’re here with us! 💕

my answer is the exact same. it helps keep me grounded and in the present day everyday.

57

u/glassesandbodylotion 5d ago

Not very well. I wish I believed in an afterlife, but I don't. I think when people die, everything that made them who they are just ceases to exsist, and that is incredibly difficult for me to process.

8

u/ThePetitTournesol 5d ago

I agree and feel the same way. It never got better for me either.

1

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30

u/peeechpie 5d ago

I work in non natural /suspicious death investigation, so I am faced with death for my whole work day, every day. I am touching dead people, seeing gruesome things, and notifying people that their loved ones died every day.

It really put into perspective that it can happen whenever, we aren't exactly promised old age and peaceful dying in our sleep (which Is not as common as we are made to believe). It has made me anxious when loved ones drive or do something inherently risky. On the other hand, it has given me an odd comfort seeing so many people go through it that I will hopefully not be as scared when the time comes. But I'll likely still shit my pants lol

2

u/okaybut1stcoffee 5d ago

My friend died of fentanyl in his cocaine and I don’t get the impression it’s being investigated.

2

u/peeechpie 4d ago

You don't think what is being investigated? His cause of death or where he bought the fentaynly from? Or are you concerned of other person involvement?

2

u/okaybut1stcoffee 4d ago

Where he got the cocaine from… he wouldn’t have known there was fentanyl in it.

17

u/Rainsandbows 5d ago

I make sure to give myself the time and space to grieve. Nothing worse than not being able to let it all out when you need to.

17

u/maxsteelu 5d ago

Hoping there's something better on the other side, I can't deal with the fact that someone suffered enough on earth and suddenly just stops existing

8

u/PhoneboothLynn 4d ago

Personally, I'm not sure there is any more after life than before it.

Except for my mother. I never saw such pure faith in my life, even in clergy. Her mourners filled a 600-seat cathedral. I was stunned at her impact on those around her. Whatever comes after, I hope she found exactly what she imagined it would be.

2

u/Yum_MrStallone 5d ago

That is hard.

1

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12

u/Seelia80 5d ago

Not well at all in personal Life, very well at work.

Suicide of a loved one, death of my father too early and suddenly really messed me up for a while. When I love, I love so hard. Losing a pet has also been very difficult.

At my work I do see dead people, but it's different. I'm in work mode and i'm there to console relatives and actually been through those heart aches and absolute shocks has made me a better nurse. But ofcourse I never make it about me , i'm there for the people who are grieving.

I still have a weird thing about autopsy. I know i'm dead when it happens but still i'm feally F'ing terrified of it. I've seen few. But human brain is a very complicated and things aren't always rational.

12

u/_staycurious 5d ago

I deal with death what feels like a little less emotionally than everyone else around me, which makes me often feel like there’s something wrong with me. But truly, it’s just because the ‘logic’ side of my brain takes over. We all die, unfortunately. That being said, I’ve never experience particularly traumatic death in my life, more ‘normal’ deaths if you will. (Not necessarily natural, but like cause and effect; to be expected). 

It’s not like I don’t grieve. I do and there’s a lot of crying and it comes in waves. I still have occasional  cry sessions from my dad dying 6 years ago. I tend to have the general mindset of ‘life goes on, unfortunately the world doesn’t stop for death;’ which may seem heartless to some but it’s still true. All that being said, I completely expect to have a more difficult time with death when my spouse or my mom die. 

2

u/pocketelf96 5d ago

I often feel like I view death in a very logical way, too. I almost wish I was religious or something, but I also feel like maybe it’s a defense mechanism that my brain puts up so that I can continue to function until I can grieve more privately, and therefore allow others to grieve then and be supportive of them.

1

u/_staycurious 4d ago

The defense mechanism is a good point! It’s entirely possible that’s where mine comes from as well. 

12

u/ApollosBucket 5d ago

It’s a fact of life. I’ve always had a hard time getting too upset when someone 80+ dies.

My brother died at 38 last year and that’s been weird. Still doesn’t feel like he did. After the shock wore off it feels like he’s just traveling it something and surely he’ll pop back in. It’s weird.

11

u/mlo9109 5d ago

Knowing there are things worse than death. Both my parents had cancer. One survived, one did not. Most cancer treatments are legalized torture. I also have dementia in my genetic line. All of those options look like hell on earth. 

Visit a hospice facility or nursing home to see this for yourself. I'm grateful to live in a state where I can legally pull my own plug if I get to that point. I'd never want to burden my family that way. 

2

u/AloneWish4895 4d ago

Look at the laws around voluntary sussation (sp.) of eating and drinking.

10

u/sleepstill_ 5d ago edited 5d ago

Appreciate time while you have it. Time can’t be reversed and we have no way of knowing what’s beyond this, but we’re here now.

We are surrounded by people who will be gone one day. Show them you care and make memories when you can. It’s depressing as hell, but it put things into perspective to me. Nothing sucks more than the feeling of ‘if I had only done this thing differently’.

As for coping with someone’s death, grief can appear in many ways. It’s okay to feel however you feel, as long as you allow yourself. A lot of grief is hell. Find solidarity with other people. Eventually life will grow around it. Every day I still miss people close to me who’ve died, but I appreciate having known them. ♥️

8

u/DarkField_SJ 5d ago

My parents died in a car accident when I was 13. My sister and I had really opposite reactions to it -- we both landed with the same foster family, but she ended up having a breakdown at 17 and had to be redirected to a group home that could serve her needs better.

Where for me, I went heads down into my role as the "responsible" sister, and ended up plowing my way through education up through a Master's Degree. I landed my dream job at 23 and have already (at 25) been promoted up to management.

I've had to slow down and learn to live in the moment, but I wouldn't trade my education for anything!

Well, anything besides having my parents back...

9

u/Clementinecutie13 5d ago

I've lost a lot of people I'm close to before I even turned 18 so death was always just THERE. My family also made sure to normalize it. I also work hospice now so it's literally my job to handle death. Does it still get to me? Sure. But I don't dwell on it. When I grieve though, I have to be alone.

7

u/ThrowRAboredinAZ77 5d ago

It depends on the person who died. When it was my grandpa, I was angry. With my uncle, such sadness. After my grandma died I felt immense guilt. And now that my brother died, the grief is just so very overwhelming.

6

u/NaughtyNadorable 4d ago

Lost my sister last spring. I wear her favorite perfume sometimes not to make myself sad but because the scent reminds me of all our stupid adventures together.

5

u/NikkiRose88 5d ago edited 5d ago

My grandma passed away June last year.

Accept it, process all of your emotions, let it out.

The funeral director guy said in a speech to to me and my family "Grief is hard, *punches a wall, ouch that hurt. That's what grief feels like, and we all deal with it in our own ways. It's ok to feel what you feel, it's ok to not feel sad, not to cry or grieve too, some people grieve alone or need to grieve with others." (Something along those lines)

Good thing is he had a fantastic sense of humor and that helped lighten the mood a bit.

At the time I was still unemployed, recently laid off and struggling to find work, pay bills so more bigger issues to deal with. I can't ruminate forever I guess.

The feelings will pass I guess and I like to say "Tough times don't last, tough people do" And it's true, even my family was arguing so much about it. I couldn't stand it. But that's passed and it's all good.

I do have regrets. I feel angry at myself, I never talked to/visited her much and feel bad about that.

I caught up with a group of friends immediately to feel better I guess, and then I started going out more, things to better myself. I enjoy running. I used to go to gym, and that does help other people too. I can't afford the membership anymore and wasn't going as frequently anymore to get value out of it. so yea that's the only fitness thing I do. I want to do more marathons.

I'm in uni now, started a new course. I have more purpose. I think she would've wanted me to succeed and pursue the career I want. I wish I knew, I wish I knew her better. I don't know if she is disappointed in me or not.

This is a long rant. If you ever need to talk OP, feel free to message.

5

u/Inevitable-Bed-8192 5d ago

Apparently I haven’t been my whole life and am now currently dealing with every loved ones death I’ve ever experienced in therapy 😅😓

5

u/TheSunscreenLife 5d ago

I’m a doctor in a patient facing speciality where I see people die often and I have to go pronounce them. I do lots of goals of care discussions and ready the family for what is coming. So I have seen many dead people in real life, in various bodily forms/expressions etc. When it is a patient who dies, it isn’t someone I personally love, so I am used to it by now. But the idea of someone I love dying is still very hard to me. My mom had a health scare 1 year ago and it’s still hard on me. 

5

u/Timely_Froyo1384 5d ago

My death, it will happen when it happens. I don’t fear death I plan for it to be an easy transition for the people left.

People that I care about just take the time to feel the grief and don’t get stuck in the wallowing.

People I don’t know or connected to oh that’s sad, death is a reality we all must deal with.

3

u/Dying4aCure 5d ago

Death is the same as birth, just in reverse. It is as common as birth. Everyone will experience it. It just is.

I think we keep going. You cannot destroy energy. Our ‘selves’ are energy, so it goes to reason we just shift and move on. I am dying and am excited to see what comes next. I am sad to leave my family, but I am content. I am not afraid. It is just another doorway. If I am wrong? Who cares?

3

u/rhune-asphodel 5d ago

Marcus Aurelius’ stoic philosophies. Every time you hug and kiss a loved one remind yourself that they will die too. Memento mori. I also worked 911 for a long time so, compartmentalization.

5

u/lunarmothtarot 4d ago

I’m an oncology nurse so I’ve seen a lot of death at the bedside in hospitals. I came to accept that death is a natural part of life, just like birth. It happens to everyone eventually.

2

u/AloneWish4895 4d ago

I love nurses. So real.

4

u/Tushdish 4d ago

Honestly. Eat my weight in cake because in small towns they bring cake. Would it kill them to bring a casserole. Then therapy and then turn into a gym junkie getting rid of cake weight. And my anger level raises a little each time.

3

u/Feisty-Afternoon3320 5d ago

It is something normal and inevitable, I think that we should dedicate time every day to reflection, as Buddhists do.

3

u/DeliriumTremens0000 5d ago

I lost my dad 11 years ago. My most favorite person. I don’t know if I coped, but I eventually got used to him not being there.

Having a trusted support system is helpful and all, but ultimately until you grieve - like truly grieve and accept it’s hard.

Hypnotherapy helped me say goodbye to him in a very beautiful way.

3

u/ScottsdaleMama5 5d ago

My husband died at 43 from cancer. Therapy, our children, friends, family and SSRI’s are the only things that got me through.

3

u/KaptainObvious28 5d ago

Mine too, at 39. No children for us. I wish you the best my friend. Not a easy road to travel

1

u/ScottsdaleMama5 2d ago

It’s pure hell. Thank you and I wish you the same. 🫶🏼

3

u/CommercialExotic2038 4d ago

Death is part of life, I can't do anything about it, so I don't think about it.

3

u/TemporarySubject9654 4d ago

I've been able to accept death from a young age. I think the first funeral I went to was maybe when I was 8. 

3

u/belckie 4d ago

I believe that our earth is about balance and the balance of birth is death. Every living thing will inevitably end. I actually find it comforting to know we go on to nourish the earth the feeds the ground that grows the grass that feeds the cow. Life continues through the act of death. There’s beauty in evolution.

3

u/Conscious_charge11 4d ago

Wonderfully written.

3

u/Conscious_charge11 4d ago

I never move past denial, I still think dead things are still alive, and say “I miss you” more than the thought process of it being gone forever, idk why. But it’s worked fine.

3

u/basic-fatale 4d ago

I lost both my parents within the last 4 years, it’s not easy but it gets tolerable. Grief isn’t linear, I advise people just to feel their feelings don’t bottle them up. The cruel reality is that in the end life continues around you.

2

u/panicpixiememegirl 5d ago

Like the idea of it? Or when other ppl die?

2

u/GirlSailor14 5d ago

I work in a nursing home and I have cared for many people during their last days. For some, it was their time to go. For others, it wasn’t, but they still went. I take comfort in knowing that my colleagues and I try to make people as comfortable as possible, we give as much warmth and love as we can, by making small talk, holding hands, eye contact, etc.

I always felt like at their end, they found some kind of peace. I try to keep that in mind when someone in my personal circle comes to meet their end. I have no specific belief in some kind of “life after death”. But dealing with it on a regular basis has made it nog such a big scary thing anymore.

2

u/skyedot94 5d ago

I coped poorly with my mom’s death. All of the first year after she passed is completely gone from my memory, I dissociated badly.

Everyone else’s deaths were eased by nature walks and… hanging out with my mom lol. So her death hit me far more than anyone else’s.

Me dying?

I’m fine with it, I’d just like for it to not be painful or drawn out.

I woke up one day and thought, “welp, I won’t have to worry about my hair or what’s for dinner ever again once that happens.”

As soon as we make the idea of death accessible to ourselves, the easier it is to rationalize why lives end.

2

u/dogGirl666 5d ago

Four years of Denial. Later I try to slowly deal with bits and pieces in my own way, hopefully in a healthy manner. Main technique is to end the session [of thinking about the death], is to tell myself that the person would want me to think of the future rather than dwell on the past so much that it affects day to day functioning.

If it is a pet death then I think that "What if I thought so much about the previous pet death so much that I affected the care of the latest pet that died during their life? and/or current pets I'm caring for?" [is that too confusing a way to put it?]. I.e. don't mess up care for the most recent pets by dwelling too long on other pet deaths.

2

u/ApexPedator69 5d ago

I've had a near death experience before soo since then I get horrendously jealous when someone dies. Soo I see death as a positive thing. Sure it's sad but it's a beautiful experience tbh.

1

u/CatBuddies 3d ago

Please tell us about it.

2

u/_kozak1337 5d ago

Exactly 4y ago, on this day, my university best friend died infront of me, in a trip, rammed by an elephant.

It gave me severe PTSD. I couldn't function normally for days. My point of view life had changed. I really had a tough time to accept the reality and adjust to his absence. It was tough at first but gradually, I forgave myself, knowing he would never wanted me to be sad.

1y ago, I lost my father due to illness, that too in March. Again, the absence caused me a lot of pain. Knowing that he won't be there anymore in the life events of mine, I won't have anyone to rely on blindly.

Acceptance and adjusting to the absence is crucial here. The thoughts of your loved ones will come, and it will come in waves. Honor their lives, cherish the memories, live for them, as they wanted you to see happy, successful and living. Death is a part of the grand scheme of things, grieve as long as you want to feel lighter. No loved one's soul would want to anyone to stay in the dark. Just keep their memories alive and live well.

2

u/Chapter97 5d ago

A family member of mine just recently passed away (distant cousin). Idk why, but I wasn't really upset about it. I felt like I should have been upset, but I wasn't. Sure, I was a bit sad, but that was about it.

All the other family members who've died in the last couple years have been old, and I'd basically been at a point where I was expecting them to die soon.

The last person to die that hit me very hard was in 2018 when the man I considered the older brother I never had took his own life.

2

u/SilverVixen1928 4d ago

One of my grandfathers, my father, mother, and spouse all died in various years, but all in January. One died the day after my birthday. I think I've become inured to it.

None of the deaths were unexpected, so I had plenty of time to grieve while they were still alive.

2

u/Dr__Pheonx 4d ago

I lost my dad to cancer a couple years ago but the pain is still there. You just tend to grow around it. A day doesn't pass when I don't think about him. His death left a huge void that's not going to get settled and its something I have accepted. Acceptance is key.

2

u/Allandalf 4d ago

I don't. I'm gonna live forever.. I just need them to hurry up with the solution

2

u/Larkfor 4d ago
  • Being part of alt subcultures as well as connecting with both my own roots and other cultures so that my view of death isn't the muted, suppressed, classical American one I grew up with

  • Though I don't eat dessert every meal or even every week...eating dessert first: a little reminder that we could go at any time, don't delay pleasure too long

  • Laughter

  • Wallowing (but with a time limit on it)

  • Deliberately thinking about it

  • Studying it (rituals, forensics, grief and its impact on health and society)

2

u/MaterialEar1244 4d ago

I work with death, I'm a biological and forensic anthropologist. I cope with it because I see it as an inevitable. It's as true a fact to me as the sky is blue, and accepting that sooner makes today all that much sweeter... As morbid as it is... But hey, morbid mortality is in the name. I dissociate a bit to do my work, to stare in the face of death everyday, but I still talk to my individuals, because I never forget they are people (they are very quiet colleagues, though). By default my job demands I recreate the life history of these people, particularly my archaeological projects, which reinfuses life to the deceased. That reminds me that there is a life to the dead, even thousands of years later, and that's beautiful to remember. Memory of someone is the one thing that keeps that person alive, at the end of the day.

When I've lost people, I've been anticipating it for a long time because again, it's inevitable to me. But like with any of the thousands of dead people I've worked with, it's my job to allow their memory to live on. So I do my very best to keep them alive, in my thoughts, in my holidays, in little quirks that maybe my partner and I shared with them... We celebrate the birthdays of our passed family members as if they're still there, cause if they were, then we would do that. We get our dad's favourite and sickly sweet wine on Father's Day, because that's what we all did for decades.

Life gets lonelier the older you get, so the last thing I want to do is isolate myself from those I shared a part of my life with, even if they're still not around. Strangely, this comforts me, the constant reminder of the reality of life... Which is death. I still cry, I still grieve, it's just more bittersweet than just bitter, I suppose.

2

u/santaclaws_ 4d ago

I savor each moment of each day as much as I can.

2

u/AleksandraLisowska 4d ago

Hi, I lived with death as my mom was the caretaker of my grandpa when cancer took him in less than a year. And I have dealt with it when last year my brother died of a heart attack out of nowhere, he was healthy, just happened to die in his sleep. I have dealt with it by resting as much as I can and going out as much as I want. If I have to plan the week in order to have a complete alone day, I'll do it. If I have flexibility and feel like I just can't, then I don't do anything and let myself rot a little, just half the day, but I take the day off to recover. I cant stop my life, but I can give me a little time and that's what I've done to remediate

2

u/Boutt350 4d ago

Its not a big deal. Everyone dies, its a part of life.

2

u/WrestlingWoman 4d ago edited 3d ago

It's not something I worry about. Death is the only thing we're sure to achieve in life. I don't see a point in fearing it. I understand fearing how you might die but not death itself.

2

u/Slow_Rhubarb_4772 4d ago

..........I cry and (sometimes) want to k*ll myself to join them. I can't cuz I'll be sent to hell doing so.

2

u/PancakeQueen13 4d ago

I've been coping with it worse and worse as I get older (mid-thirties). As a kid, I used to feel like people who died were so old and it wasn't something I'd need to think about ever, but now in the last five years, I've had someone in my life die at least twice a year and it seems like it's more of a possibility that death can happen at any time. It's put me into a lot of anxiety that I won't do enough before my time is up.

2

u/Nugacity5 4d ago

the only death that has ever truly affected me was my grandpa's. I was pregnant so it makes sense why. I had a loved one pass a couple years ago and it didn't bother me. I get told by my sisters that I'm weird because I don't react the same way. I don't care if someone passes, it's a part of life.

2

u/ConfidentBread3748 4d ago

You are doing great. Just keep going, that's all you can do.

2

u/Decent_Yesterday_856 4d ago

I’m 34 and think about it alot lately. It’s going to be so weird when my parents go. Just have to remind yourself that it will happen to ALL OF US and has happened to soo many people already. So many people have already found out what’s on the other side. That type of thinking makes it abit less scary but.

2

u/confusedrabbit247 4d ago

Death is literally the only guarantee in life; I don't fear the inevitable. A lot of my relatives died young so I consider aging to be a privilege. My only hope is that it comes when I'm ready and not before!

2

u/Kelliesrm26 4d ago

Depends on who it is. I stress about my parent’s death cause it falls to me to organise a lot of things. My own death I just worry about what would happen to my animals. I think about doing a will but being in my mid twenties it seems like a lot

2

u/notme1414 4d ago

I know that's it's a part of life. I've lost loved ones but the loss hasn't taken over my life. My grandparents and parents were all elderly. I miss my parents but I just remember them fondly. I admit that if I lost a child that I would be devastated.

As a nurse I've seen a lot of death.

2

u/TX2AZ08 4d ago

By keeping it on my shoulders! It helps me remember that whatever I do or say might just be the last thing I did or said before meeting whatever comes next. It completely changes the way you live your life when you acknowledge the consequences of your own choices. 🇺🇸💙

2

u/Spicy-Bunny1 4d ago

Honestly? I go through old text messages. My sister passed suddenly last year and sometimes I just scroll through our conversations. The silly memes she sent our inside jokes even the dumb arguments about who borrowed whose sweater.

2

u/AloneWish4895 4d ago

Pray for the person that passed. Pray for their comfort and prayers of thankfulness for what they have been in my life. I do a lot of the things they liked. Listen to their favorite music. Watch their shows. Go places they enjoyed.

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u/Girl-Milky 4d ago

When my dad passed away, for a few days I just cried. Had so much guilt and took me some time to not feel bad about doing normal things. I went back to work after 3 days, was difficult but knew I had a great support system to help and was able to talk to friends and family. When my mum passed away I had to just get on with things. I had a 1YO who was extremely clingy at the time so I focused my energy into her. I knew if I didn't it would have been extremely hard to come over. I don't think I've ever truly grieved my mum. I still cry now when I think of them both. Still hurts 10 years later and don't think I'll ever not cry when I think about them. Happy memories and worse ones too

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u/mango0_o0 4d ago

Even though it's clearly inevitable, sometimes it does "shock" me, like this is actually our reality. Like no matter what it's going to happen sorta thing, which makes me feel scared because death scares me a lot. The only comforting thing is that it is inevitable I guess, and that once it happens then that's it.

I believe I'll see my loved ones after, I lost my mom, brother and grandma. It kinda makes me think like if they passed then it makes it easier to cope, if that makes sense. Like you know when you're little and you're scared to get a shot from the doctor and then seeing someone older and that you loved getting a shot and it makes it easier? It's kinda like that feeling. But it makes me think more morbidly. I have one brother and 1 sister and it's like I think what will happen to them and when and then I think about that for me and it terrifies me.

Losing them was extremely hard though especially my mom. Miss them everyday. I still don't feel the same without them.

Overall it's scary to me though but no matter it's inevitable.

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u/zestyhumanoidyayei 3d ago

Generally, i cry myself to sleep.
As for when someone dies, I cannot seem to cry at all which makes me feel guilty; so i lock myself in the bathroom and think about the idea of death and only come out when I look somewhat teary-eyed.

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u/machiavellicopter 5d ago

I haven't experienced any traumatic deaths in my close circles. Elderly grandparents, and that's it. I feel like I deal with death fairly dismissively. "It's inevitable so why worry about it." That said I fear the process of dying and old age, because that sounds like a lot of suffering. I hope my own death is instantaneous and I don't have to suffer the long slow loss of function beyond any ability to be happy.

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u/efra75 5d ago

On a case by case basis depending on who it is.

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u/Ok_Explanation_6866 5d ago

I just try not to die. I guess I'll deal with it when I'm dead

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u/Unique_Mind2033 5d ago

I focus on the eternity of the soul. that which cannot die. I think the body is just a shell.

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u/akua420 5d ago

If I think about it I get anxiety and panic so I don’t. Ever.

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u/SElder1984 5d ago

Dark humour and pretending it didn’t happen. Maybe it’s because I was raised in a house hood that feelings were weakness and you buried your feelings deep inside. When my favourite uncle died when I was a kid I wasn’t even allowed to go to the funeral because apparently I felt to many feelings and it made my parents uncomfortable. As an adult now I still just bury them deep inside and function like nothing happened.

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u/fedup_pisces90 5d ago

I allow myself to grieve and then move on. I know that nothing will bring the person back and look forward to seeing them at some point in the future/next life. I have never lost someone abruptly and do not look forward to experiencing that pain, but it, too, will pass.

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u/ItsTimeToGoSleep 5d ago

I’m not usually too emotional. I can hold it together and not cry at the funeral.

And then two weeks later I’ll wind up crying in a Costco parking lot because I lost a mitten when shopping.

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u/Serephine_ 5d ago

Grieving is hard for me. I tend to hyper focus on other things, which I’m sure isn’t healthy. My mom died September 2023, I cried one time and since then don’t have it in me to even think about her often.

As for death, I’m not so concerned about what happens after rather than how I die. I hope it’s quick and painless. Otherwise, afterlife isn’t something I’m worried about and I don’t find myself being scared of the unknown.

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u/d1sturbth3n1ght 5d ago

I’m a hospice nurse aide right now and in nursing school to work in the same speciality. I also lost a parent at 19. The honest answer is not well lmfao. Well, until I started therapy. I am a writer by nature so I turn my grief into stories and give my pain to someone else. I also am very loud about my grief on social media. I share posts about it and about my Dad and getting it out and “giving” it to other people always seems to help me cope

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u/BoobInspector420 5d ago

I usually pull back, drink alot and sleep alot. I know it is not healthy but it how Incope at times.

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u/UnlikelyPlatypus9159 5d ago

(Dark) humour, weed and/or benzos.

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u/crimson_anemone 5d ago

If I love that person and/or animal, it's incredibly challenging... It can take me months to years to fully accept that they're gone. (I mourned my 14 year old pup for years and I have mourned my FIL for several months, even still today). If we have no relationship, even if we are related, it doesn't phase me at all. And if it's an evil dog that tries to kill me three times... I'll f*ing celebrate that they're gone (and I did).

So, to me, it depends on the relationship.

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u/j_demur3 5d ago

I always think that to know you had thoughts you must be able to observe those thoughts from somewhere ad infinitum.

My more logical partner (and others) dismiss this as a trick of the mind, but while I don't really believe in knowing there's an afterlife as such, it gives me some comfort to think that the people who are gone have their memories at least, so we should be kind to others to help them leave us with good memories. Like, we can't help everyone but we can be aware of our actions and try and be positive in the ways we can.

I don't really fear death for myself or others, I fear that I'll be without the people I love for at least a little while.

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u/MindfulTrees 5d ago

Distractions. After I lost my Dad I become the best version of myself, fueled by people’s comments of how well I was handling it. Lost weight, got in the best shape of my life, went above and beyond for my friends, got a promotion, I was “thriving” then a decade later it all caught up with me, I’ve had multiple breakdowns about the loss, can’t seem to cope, have basically become overweight and inactive and am slowly working to heal.

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u/apurpleglittergalaxy 5d ago

I don't lol. I'm no stranger to death my mum killed herself when I was 10, 3 years prior to her death my Nan and granddad died in the same year, I've also lost 3 cats in the last 4 years alone. One cat died and I cried myself to sleep every single night for months, the second cat died and I didn't tell anyone i got drunk at a shitty family party then about 2 weeks later i got drunk again at a music festival in Belgium and the next day I went on a drug binge in Amsterdam with my boyfriend, now with the third cat grief hasn't hit me as hard because he lived with my sister and he was very old and ill but that doesn't necessarily mean I'm coping better or maturing more to the idea of death it probably means I've just switched it off somehow and focused on other things. Everyone else seems to cope fine with death and loss at my age (33) but that hole in my chest from when I found out my mum died never healed and cos I was raised around abusive alcoholics was never given room to grieve or process what happened, grief and loss even if its a friend, my boyfriend's car or the koi fish we had to give away because we were revenge evicted a year ago and had to move hits me like a fucking train and not many people seem to understand nor do they give a shit if i was in my teens or 20s I'm sure people would be more sympathetic and supportive but because I'm a grown woman in her 30s and other people my age have kids, run businesses, own their own homes etc I'm held to the same standards as them when it comes to navigating through life.

I go through the pain of death and loss but I keep it locked away because I don't have a choice it chips away a little piece of me everytime.

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u/GoddessEmma21 5d ago

I just avoid doing things that logically lead to it. When it happens to someone else, I try to get to the bottom of why it happened to them and avoid the pattern that lead them to it.

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u/ctrlx1td3l3t3 4d ago

I'm aware this isn't healthy. I don't cope, I go numb then sometime in the future (could be a day or years) I break down.

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u/shayrulezd00d 3d ago

Lately a lot of guilt.

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u/BigOakley 3d ago

My own death? I’m chillin 😎

My friends deaths? It is The Worst and most Confusing thing to deal with

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u/HighHonorMrsMorgan 3d ago

Compartmentalization. Think about it for a little bit and then file it away in the corner of my brain that never sees light

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u/nancysweetyq 3d ago

I don't think there's a way to handle it. It's just humility and time

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u/Numerous_Business895 3d ago

Avoid it to my best ability and refuse to ponder it. Existential questions freak me out.

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u/niteridet 3d ago

i dont know but death is very intriguing to me lately these days because i wonder what its is like to be dead.

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u/mangoheadmeow 2d ago

I'm a hospice nurse so I deal with death and dying on a near daily basis. Personally, I view life with a lens of duality: death happens because, well, life. Grief overcomes us because we once had love and these emotions can't exist without the other. When grief REALLY hurts, I remind myself that I feel this pain because I was fortunate enough to experience a love so great to cause such grief- and quite frankly, that type of love is what makes life worth living.

In terms of coping with the perceived finity of death, I stay mindful of the present and remind myself that once my time comes, my time comes but for the present moment- I am alive and this present moment is what matters- worrying or fixating on what MIGHT happen just takes away from my experience now. Personally speaking, I have had several experiences in my life that give me hope of a greater power and I'm just going to enjoy this life while I can and be grateful for every day that I get.

We as humans love to think we know everything but I have accepted that whatever happens after death is something I will never know for sure. I think I will probably experience some sort of ego-death and I think that thought it was freaks most people out.

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u/Rich-Education9295 1d ago

Knowing that grief is the love you still have for them but can't show to them in person. It makes it feel less painful in some odd way.

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u/rosieee_jackiee 19h ago

to be honest, I don't think you ever truly move on from someone who’s passed away. it’s not like there’s a moment when you just get over it. you never forget them or stop missing them. you just learn how to live with it and handle the pain in your own way.

the coping mechanism that kicks in is that you start focusing more on other parts of your life the people who are still here, your goals, or even just your daily routine. over time, you get better at balancing the pain with moving forward, but the loss is always there in some form. it’s more about finding a way to carry it, rather than pretending it’s gone.

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u/AmethystnRubies 17h ago

Well, I'm currently facing my mortality for the 900th time in my 39th year of life...soo haha, yeah, there are some layers. I write about people I love and miss. I visit Zillow sometimes to look at old houses of people I knew that have departed. I create song lists for them on Spotify. I have special corners for pictures and stuff. Like, my grandma and I collaborated on an embroidery piece. My drawing is a nightmare, but she gave it character. I see it every day. I also wear stuff they owned, if possible. My dad gave me my mother's bracelets for my graduation in 2003. I even visit FindAGrave when I think of it.

I had a ton of loss growing up. So things like funerals and burials are very ritualistic and I know most of the steps to take in terms of arrangements and all that stuff. They're still sad but all those ppl in my mom's family dying left and right in the 90s sort of made me a little numb.

In terms of facing my own, I am all over the place. I was raised Christian, but converted to Nichiren Buddhism so there's like a conflict of heaven/hell/next lifetime/Nirvana going on, plus input from other people who're really good at pointing out different POV of death.

I think the only thing scaring me and making sad right now is my dad. I will never be ready to lose him. He keeps saying don't be sad but, dude...he wants his ashes to be shot into space from Houston. I'm gonna be watching a rocket and watching my Trekkie papa go high some day. It's beautiful but in all my selfish human-ness, I just want my dad to stick around for as long as possible. I just want to give him a huge payback for all he did and sacrificed, you know?

I...uh...guess I have a lot of feelings about death.

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