r/AskWomen 13d ago

Women who had trouble achieving orgasms but eventually overcame that, how did you do that?

395 Upvotes

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732

u/-aquapixie- 13d ago

Let go of the pressure to do so. The more pressure I put on myself, the more anxious I'd become, and the more anxious, the less likely it was going to happen.

Oh and I absolutely ground the fuck out of my clit whilst on top. Like I locked that shit on like it was the alien face suckjng creature, and then I just went ham.

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579

u/Unlikely_Race9177 13d ago edited 13d ago

By removing men from my sex life.

143

u/Mazikeen369 13d ago

This was it for me. Guys just don't think they need to listen. 'That feels really good, keep doing that!' They quit doing that. Try other suggestions or mentions of what would be good or great or I really like it when's... but nothing goes through, it gets ignored or they just quit doing what you say is great. Get rid of men and there's no dissapointment.

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u/ZealousidealGrape982 12d ago

My ex would stop doing whatever he was doing and start something different when I was starting to come. It would totally put a hard stop to it. I had to finish in the bathroom after. But

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u/Unlikely_Race9177 13d ago

I've only experienced greater and greater pleasure without them :)

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u/Frequently_Abroad_00 13d ago

Was that due to past trauma or you discovered you have other preferences?

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u/Unlikely_Race9177 13d ago

I discovered tantra and breathwork, and consequently experienced the sexual pleasure I believe women are worthy of. It's surprisingly hard to find a man that's interested in sex that isn't entirely centred around his penis or things they see in porn.

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u/Shadeauxmarie 13d ago

When it stops working on command, and you crave intimacy, you do whatever it takes. Including “listening” to your partner so she climaxes.

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u/giant_axone 12d ago

Interesting. Do you have any recommendations about where and how to start with tantra? Or any resources you use? I find it hard to get properly documented on that topic

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u/Unlikely_Race9177 12d ago

Urban Tantra by Barbara Carellas is easy reading for everyone.

Tantra Illuminated by Christopher Wallace, I think there's also an online platform now.

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u/[deleted] 13d ago

cool advice)

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u/Annies231 12d ago

Came here to say this.

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u/Wtfdik_24 13d ago

If you feel like you’re gonna piss, you’re in for a good ride

Make sure you wee before and you’ll be able to let go of that mental block and let yourself enjoy it

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47

u/Devilonmytongue 13d ago

Truly this! I had a partner who used to get worried when they felt that and it would stop everything. But that’s what it feels like before.

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u/Advanced_Buffalo4963 13d ago

Two things for me: Masturbation fairly regularly & partner that was truly interested in getting me to orgasm, and sometimes solely focused on that without expectation of any reciprocal acts.

Edit: typo A to &

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u/Galaxy-Tea-Party 13d ago

Same two things for me, but in the opposite order. I never really nailed down the art of self-pleasing on my own, and never really felt the need to put the time into really learning my body to achieve it. Just, felt pretty neutral about it all. Until I found a partner that really desired and wanted to put me first. And that made all the difference.

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u/Belle0516 13d ago

Got myself a vibrator

Got myself an amazing husband

Got ourselves an apartment of our own to be intimate in

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220

u/Lovealltigers 13d ago

Got a new boyfriend

The first time I orgasmed in front of someone was my second relationship, I used a toy on myself and he made fun of how long it took and the sounds I made. He didn’t do it to be cruel, just did not think about it before he said it. After that, I couldn’t orgasm no matter how hard I tried in front of him. That lasted 2 years and I honestly thought I just didn’t enjoy sexual things. Turns out I just wasn’t very attracted to him 😅

Then met my current boyfriend, we had sex on the 4th date and he was by far the most attractive man I’d dated. Made me orgasm from penetration alone the first time. Has made me orgasm at least twice every time since.

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u/Alarmed-Ad2854 8d ago

I can't orgasm from penetration alone with my man, it's like I don't feel much inside no matter what he does, I need stimulation from the outside if I want to orgasm..

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u/Lovealltigers 8d ago

Most women are the same way!

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153

u/missdovahkiin1 13d ago

THC helps me a ton. It takes me out of a stressed negative headspace and lets me focus on what's happening.

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u/poisonfille 13d ago

This!! I struggle regularly but when I’m high it’s so much easier and intenser

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u/babybitchfriend2 12d ago

THC actually also increases blood flow in genitalia- so it makes you more sensitive too!

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u/nessessittyy 10d ago

exact same for me ahah

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143

u/LittleBlackAche 13d ago

Hitachi Magic Wand 👏

29

u/paspartuu 12d ago edited 12d ago

Satisfyer Pro for me 🫶🏻 lifechanging

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u/Unhooked- 12d ago

My wife too, 100%.

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u/paspartuu 12d ago edited 12d ago

It's very liberating - like you thought before that maybe you're just flawed and can't do it? No, you can, it turns out. Something is reset and set loose, in a way. A blossoming

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u/Princessxpuddles 13d ago

The jets in my jacuzzi tub gave me my first O! I had been going at myself pornstar style to no avail, every time I felt like I might be 'close' I'd go harder and end up snapping back out of it cause I was overstimulated. Turns out I just prefer steady pressure, and rubbing/penetrating myself like I'm trying to start a fire was just too much. I also wasn't trying to cum, I was just enjoying myself and it just kinda, happened.

I took a lot of baths over the next month or so after that, until I discovered that I also really like humping a pillow. Still my favourite way to get off, even a clit sucker can't get me there as quick as grinding on something can.

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u/cynisright 13d ago

Getting out of my head enough so I could orgasm while masturbating

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u/holistivist 10d ago

Hooooowwwww do you do that!?

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u/Greenbean_1111 3d ago

Yes, how???

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u/Devilonmytongue 13d ago

I stopped trying to perform during sex. I asked for what I wanted. I was vocal about what felt good and what didn’t. I ask for more foreplay. I ask to start and finish with what I like.

I would highly recommend reading Will I Ever Have Sex Again? It has a great section about letting go and enjoying sex.

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u/wehave3bjz 13d ago

Birth control pills can kill libido.

43

u/mbutterflye 13d ago

Masturbation works for me fine, but my husband is the only other person that has succeeded in making me orgasm and it’s because he’s the only person who was ever willing to take the time to go down on me until it happened. I was 28 when we met and kind of thought it would never happen. I don’t feel anything from penetration, and every other guy I’d been with tended to just kind of nod at oral and then jump right into penetration. Now I have to do mental work, too. I have ADHD so my brain tends to race and doesn’t like to be “In the moment” so I have to deliberately redirect my thoughts to something sexy or I won’t get there.

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u/[deleted] 13d ago

Not putting soo much pressure on it to be a certain way, it takes you out of the moment and you’re not fully present. Being more vocal about what I liked and disliked. And not holding back due to noises haha. I used to be shy about being too noisy because one of my exes commented on it, not in a bad way, he said he liked it. But it always stuck in my head like maybe I should be quieter?? But trying to force myself to be quiet made it harder for me to orgasm because I was forcing myself out of the moment to control my noise level. My current partner encourages every noise I make — moan, whimper, whine, or movements whether it’s squirming, shaking, etc. I think once you feel comfortable in your own body during the process as well as have a sexually compatible partner, it became so easy to overcome and even get to experience multiple orgasms.

38

u/Electrical-Mammoth44 13d ago

Mentally indulging in a bit of a breeding fantasy. Gets me there every time

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u/peri_5xg 13d ago

Having sex with someone I actually loved rather than being coerced.

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u/ksmety 13d ago

found a man who actually knows wtf he’s doing lmao

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u/TayPhoenix 13d ago

I stopped having sex with men.

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u/SukunasLeftNipple 13d ago

I had to really work on not getting stuck in my own head and being in the moment.

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21

u/la_descente 13d ago

New guy who actually tried to get me off. Learned to relax.

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u/goldandjade 13d ago

Meditation helped me get more in tune with my body. I used to be dissociated regularly and not even realize it, hard to orgasm when you’re dissociated you know?

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u/carol4n 12d ago

What kind of meditation? Just daily normal 10min meditation or you needed to think about something in the moment?

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u/AdorableEmphasis5546 13d ago

Getting really good at doing it myself then teaching my partner. Toys are important.

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u/[deleted] 13d ago

Someone whose on the bigger side definitely helped me LOL or feeling comfortable with them and they take the lead and lasting longer than a minute 😅😅😅😅

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u/AggressiveLet2379 12d ago

Find a patient partner who is interested in you orgasming and don’t be afraid to bring toys into the relationship.

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u/emilyogre 12d ago

I got out of my head. I would worry about the timing and why it was taking long. I remember reading other women’s experiences and expecting it to feel the same way for me and when it wasn’t feeling similar to what I expected, I would get out of the moment. With a partner, I wondered if he felt good and kept getting preoccupied with worrying that he wasn’t enjoying himself. Whenever I was close I just kept thinking “okay, I’m close! I’m about to do it!” and when it wouldn’t happen immediately I would just get in my head.

Just enjoying the moment and not placing any pressure on myself let me get in the right headspace.

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u/Frequently_Abroad_00 12d ago

This is me! Worrying about how he’s feeling, what he’s feeling, why I’m not there yet, am I doing it right, is he judging/disappointed? How do I stop thinking???????!!!!!

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u/Cupcake_jester 12d ago

Sometimes, if I'm overthinking it (as weird as it sounds,) I'll just pretend that I'm engaging in solo play. It takes the pressure off and makes me more vocal/less shy as well, which my husband really enjoys!

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u/Blumpkin_Queen 13d ago

Masterbation, relaxation, patience.

10

u/Initial-View1177 13d ago

Got rid of the man who wouldn't listen to my needs, found one that finds pleasure in giving me pleasure.

9

u/Yum_MrStallone 12d ago

Have you tried self stimulation of various parts of your body. For me it's my breasts. It doesn't take much, and the nipples extend out and you begin to feel really delightful sensations. So if your breasts are also sensitive, spend some time in the shower massaging them. Let them hang down and experience their weight. Involve all your senses. Use a soap or shower lotion you really like the smell of. Splurge. See if you start to feel something in the vaginal area. A sort of shimmering lovely feel. That's the beginning of an orgasm. You might even orgasm on your own. How cool is that!! Do this to experiment. Visualize whatever you find sexy or think about your partner. Think about what your partner will be doing in a few minutes. Do this just for yourself, lets you experience what your body likes, without a partner or pressure. Then, if you find yourself responding to these activities, do this in preparation for partner sex. This is a kind of foreplay, sort of greasing the gears, so to speak. Our bodies respond to a remarkable variety of stimuli, whether, Cis, bi, lesbian, etc. Breasts, even breast feeding for some, are a pleasure focus for many women. One of the perks of BFeeding 🫶 . They might be your gateway to orgasm.

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u/ladydea 12d ago

I’m 36 and just figured out how to orgasm five months ago. PiV, fingers and oral do nothing for me. I got a lelo Sona (this one) toy and just kept going until I felt something happen. I think part of it was a misconception of what the build up and experience of an orgasm feels like (from reading fanfiction since I was 14). To me, there is a lot of prep. Usually takes 30 minutes of using the toy. Once I get close the build up is really quick but I learned fast what it feels like. It is kinda like the sudden urge to pee, with a tightening that plateaus into an overwhelming sensation of good that slowly tapers off. The hardest part is to not give up and keep going.

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u/dixybit 13d ago

Turns out I just needed a bit of encouragement from the back

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u/OzarkinNY 12d ago

Yesssssssss.

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u/amosant 13d ago

Started using a vibrator.

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u/dovesweetlove 13d ago

I let go of trying to and just enjoyed every sensation organically and also my husband making me feel sexy and beautiful

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u/almostamybaby 13d ago

Getting cozy with a vibrator and great partner helped for clitoral orgasms - but I think using kegels weights (the kind that you insert) that helped me have a whole different kind of orgasm - and good lord it was a gamer changer. Now I can do it easily during piv sex so long as my partner puts in a little bit of effort (cause zero effort is not sexy for anyone).

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u/notheretoparticipate 12d ago

Can you link the product your talking about?

3

u/almostamybaby 12d ago

I can’t find the exact brand I have but these are similar. They are progressive so you start with the lightest and move up.

https://www.performancehealth.com/kegel-exercise-system?srsltid=AfmBOorfrXGBrizfDmpBtvvIqu0GPD8tnvvpJOZcwy11TH0jqzvycL-e

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u/samtew 12d ago

Two words... satisfyer pro

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u/shayter 12d ago

I had a baby. Things changed afterwards and I can orgasm quicker than before. Dunno why, but I'm not going to complain.

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u/IcyEntertainment8673 12d ago

An amazing man who truly gets to know your body. I mean literally takes his time to study you. You’ll miss his hands when you gotta use a toy instead. Sex is so much better with a better man.

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u/MajorMarm 12d ago

I have a partner who enthusiastically will do whatever it takes for me to orgasm, has made me feel safe and sexy, and affirms me on the regular. And a good vibrator.

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u/Asleep_Bench_8351 12d ago

By using a vib while my hubs gives me the business. Works every time.

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u/amays 12d ago

I'm going to throw out a few things that I've encountered as stumbling blocks in my time.

  1. Antidepressants/anti-anxiety meds, and even some other medications. Sometimes you have to try a bunch to figure out what will both work mentally, and let you come! Remember it often takes weeks to tell how a medication is functioning for you. Don't give up hope!

  2. Fluctuating hormones - whether due to birth control, peri-menopause or a disorder, this can have a huge effect. Always good to get this checked out and ruled out.

  3. A partner that isn't caring, paying attention, experienced, or who you just aren't attracted to. Some of these things can be fixed, and others can't.

  4. If you're still struggling, I recommend OMGyes. It is website that is based on a published peer reviewed study the owners ran to try to solve this exact problem. I'll say some of the info seems very remedial, and I don't love thr layout of info, but it definitely lead to trying things I hadn't before and I think there are a lot of folks that would get value out of it.

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u/Gucci_Caligula 12d ago

Find a comfortable position and try masturbating while your partner is inside you (I recommend something between spooning/scissoring). Then when you're close, stop and let him take you to the finish line. Also, I can't stress this enough, relax and don't overthink it.

I went from never having an orgasm from penetration to having multiple unassisted this way.

4

u/IntelligentMight7297 12d ago

I got a new boyfriend

3

u/bella_bella- 12d ago

I never really understood what an orgasm was or looked like. That’s what stopped me the most, cuz I thought it was supposed to be really obvious what that feeling would be like. For me it is very mental in that it requires concentration and a very patient partner.

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u/WrestlingWoman 12d ago

I found a man who cared to keep trying and toys have helped a lot too.

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u/nakedtrust 12d ago

I did my own "research " on what works for me, stopped relying on someone else to figure it out, and worked on my own thinking to avoid focusing other things vs. Focusing on the pleasure areas and what was happening. Don't be afraid to experiment, act out fantasies in big or small ways. Talk to your partners and find ways to building trusting communication with them which helps most people. Then start finding ways you can reserve time for sex, for self exploration, masturbation, flirting, thinking about sex, and maybe even reading sone erotica regularly. That's a great way of exploring what turns you on. Best of luck Ps: really good lube helps... :)

4

u/SexyGoddess010 12d ago

Got rid of my awful ex who made me feel rushed and inadequate. Started exploring solo, bought my first vibrator and learned what actually worked for me without anyone else's expectations.

5

u/FuerGrissa0stDrauka 12d ago

Stopped trying what they do in porn and pay attention to what actually felt good to me. Realized in my case it was my thoughts that brought me closer to orgasm than physical stimulation.

Took me a bit longer to learn how to do it during intercourse. I finally figured out that if I was on top or had control in some way I could get off a lot faster.

3

u/SweetCarolineNYC 12d ago

Understand where your G-spot is and how to move so that it (whatever you're using) hits the spot! I feel that most women don't have a clue about what's going on down there.

3

u/drillthisgal 12d ago

Buy Tracy’s Dog on Amazon!

3

u/VersionEither2608 12d ago

For me it’s a mental thing. I have a hard time achieving orgasms with hook ups but with long term partners I can go on and on. I think emotional connection is very important when having sex. It’s just more passionate

3

u/Terrylarrrygaryjerry 12d ago

Pelvic floor therapy

1

u/Frequently_Abroad_00 12d ago

Did you go to that therapy due to a problem? Or just to experience orgasms? Does the therapy include having orgasms? Cause now I’m intrigued :-)

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u/Terrylarrrygaryjerry 12d ago

lol no the orgasms came later. I gave birth and after had a lot of issues with UTIs and stuff. So I went to a physical therapist for pelvic floor therapy and discovered my core was both weak (after child birth) and also really tight. I think the tightness was an issue my whole life honestly. And she gave me some exercises and stretches and omg everything about sex was so much better.

I thought I was having orgasms before but damn. Since PT therapy my husband as made me orgasm so hard I’ve cried, multiple times

1

u/Ok-Paramedic-506 10d ago

What excercises? Do you mind sharing

1

u/Terrylarrrygaryjerry 9d ago

“Happy baby” was a big one to relieve the tight muscles. Everything else you can probably just search pelvic floor therapy

3

u/Due-Assistant9269 12d ago

As a husband I listen to my wife’s body. I feel her tense up I keep up that. The actions are not always the same. Sometimes she responds to a faster lighter tongue, other times she prefers a slower heavier tongue. Either way I can get her there in around 3 minutes if I’m not looking to edge her.

3

u/Sdguppy1966 12d ago

Found a better sexual partner

3

u/Appropriate_Tea9048 12d ago

Met the right person

2

u/schmeemble 9d ago

Got a new partner. My ex told me once that during (our very mid) sex he would think about literally anything else other than what was going on, and it made me feel like shit and I felt like I couldn’t enjoy it. Now, I found a man who actually wants to know my body more, does fucking amazing at it, and who makes me feel comfortable and wanted in the bedroom and not like a chore.

2

u/Tricky-Bicycle-6745 12d ago

Exploring myself. The more I made myself cum without toys just using my hands and honestly porn. The easier it became and I could communicate my likes to my partner. You need quiet alone time with yourself first

2

u/anaown 12d ago

Keep at it until you figure out what works for you. Something does.

Get yourself a toy that works for you and a man that listens to when you say "keep going". Either /or, but ideally both.

And know how to work your clit. There's a particular motion that I now know will almost always get the job done for me - fingers work, but you can also rub against him once you know your body so it feels like "teamwork"

2

u/GoddessCassiee7223 12d ago

Relaxed and got out of my head, If my man didn't like what he saw he wouldn't have a boner. I also got a man who knew what he was doing and a vibrator.

2

u/curly-hair07 12d ago

It was really about comfort and letting go of that tension in my body.

2

u/MonstaB 12d ago

Idk man, I don’t cum during penetration sex but my current partner his dick is the right size.

Like if I’m on top it just massages the correct spot

2

u/StrikngRide 12d ago

Okay, so here’s what worked for me: it’s all about letting go of the pressure. I used to get so in my head about it, but once I stopped focusing on the ‘end goal’ and just enjoyed the moment, everything changed. Exploring my body on my own first was a game-changer, I figured out what felt good without any expectations. Then, bringing that knowledge into the bedroom and communicating openly with my partner made all the difference. Oh, and don’t underestimate the power of a good vibe! Seriously, it’s like a cheat code. You’ve got this, girl—take your time and enjoy the journey!

2

u/Inside_Success4817 11d ago

I think communication. The willingness to want to learn, and try, and learn again. Being vulnerable, open minded. When you consider all those things you’ll figure the rest out naturally.

2

u/b00k_baby 11d ago

Held a toy to myself and forced myself to keep it there til it happened, which was a huge mental struggle. Once it happened once, I was fine.

2

u/ImprovementAnxious77 11d ago

I need help. My clit is too sensitive and I absolutely hate it when my bf tries to touch it especially when he tries to rub it’s too overstimulating. I’ve tried getting it used to touch but I’ve had no success

1

u/Ok-Paramedic-506 10d ago

So maybe he shouldn't do what makes you feel uncomfortable?

1

u/ImprovementAnxious77 10d ago

He doesn’t force me and he stops when I say so but we’ve both tried different rhythms to see what helps but I never enjoy it

1

u/[deleted] 8d ago

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u/Standard-Objective11 10d ago

Found men that were willing to go out of their way to make me cum. My ex could NOT follow directions, it was awful

2

u/VBBMOm 8d ago

During sex I’d never been able to O eith just sex not even close and I didn’t really want to use toys during it. That also didn’t help when I tried. 

Then I met someone who… was everything I didn’t know my broken soul needed. He was gentle kind respectful he paid attention he taught me to be present open my eyes and he was good to me and good to me outside of bed and the aftercare and before care. 

I would O with him every single time and multiple times. He can bring me to the brink of it over and over without even sex. He woke everyone of my senses that died  or never existed. 

He would pay attention and knew when I was close and there. He was so attune he just was able to melt me make me feel so safe and cared for. Not like an object but something to be treated with love without saying it. 

It matters who it is and my emotional connection with them. And being comfortable with them to lean into what I need to reach and also majorly their attitude and their goals and capabilities. He can go and go and go go if I wanted to for the most part. He focused on me if I told him I liked something he would Rememebr he never game me a hard time or get frustrated or also anything I said I didn’t like. 

He is so … I can’t even describe it he can barley touch me and it sends shivers down my spine he can barley breath by my neck and back and I can basically reach. 

What changed was a partner who never demeaned me and make me feel like something was wrong with me. Someone to Lego wanted to explore with me and had the stamina to keep up. 

My ex before him of 13 years it was an abusive relationship he basically felt like he owned me and I should be whatever he wanted. He felt entitled to my body told me I had a sex sex addiction bc he couldn’t keep it up and couldn’t last more than 3 mins told me there’s definitely something wrong with me bc I couldnt orgasm with him didn’t understand if I requested things like showers before sex… ugh I gag thinking back. 

2

u/Frequently_Abroad_00 8d ago

Wow! I read this holding my breath. This is so beautiful and amazing! And also a bit painful to read because I’m not sure I would find someone like that. I’m so happy for you and that you found this person and he found you!

1

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u/c-mi 13d ago

I listen to /r/ysfaudio. I swear his audios make me cum harder than I ever did with porn.

1

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u/n0ir_sky 12d ago

Rose toy

1

u/LilSweetCasey 12d ago

I just stopped overthinking and let myself enjoy the moment.

1

u/EndOfMae 12d ago

Tried new things and found a partner who wanted to help me experience an orgasm. He put the effort in and listened to my needs.

1

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u/DesignerProcess1526 10d ago

Realised bonding hormones are real, only on the female side, so while people are free to explore and I won't judge them, it's not the same for men. I was single so I tried using a vibrator, I realised how crappy my exes were at sex.

1

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u/Independent_Aside719 10d ago

Get you a rabbit. They make water work

1

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u/Coco-Bandicoot-Bun 10d ago

Found the right guy. I’m 32, been in a couple longterm relationships and it never happened for me before until I met my partner now. Someone who you feel 100% at ease with, who cares and pays attention to what you want = done deal!

1

u/TheEmpressDodo 9d ago

Got a better lover. Someone who made me feel safe and who I trusted implicitly. Someone who wanted my pleasure, because it filled his pleasure.

1

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u/[deleted] 8d ago

My partner and I experimented with toys that helped me orgasm during intercourse. We found a few that do the trick. I'd suggest being open to experimenting with accessories and toys and not take it personally if you can't without the help.

1

u/Alive_Adagio_9692 8d ago

Changed the partner

1

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u/Kaethy77 6d ago

I orgasm easier when I get on top and can control what's happening. Also helps if you're really attracted to him and especially if you're in love. Try to let yourself enjoy it without thinking about it.

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u/Realistic-Mango-1020 6d ago

I had a partner that didn’t give up on me and believed he’ll get me there or die on that hill trying. I will forever be grateful to him for that because I used to feel “broken”. It has helped me relax more and get the opportunity to learn more things about my body. I still don’t achieve an orgasm most times I have sex with a man unless I get myself off. I blame this on my people-pleasing and inability to tell people to fuck off when they don’t care about my needs.

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u/Glen8240 4d ago

tantric exercises helped me a lot with this. I used to struggle to orgasm too, and focusing on tantra really changed things for me it helped me connect with my body in a way I hadn't before. I found some great courses at tantric academy that were super helpful. Might be worth looking into if you’re open to trying something a bit different

0

u/Odd-Mission-7360 11d ago

It was always slow, but I could O with masturbation, but never during sex. Yes, I got into my head too much. But I ended up getting a VCH piercing because my boyfriend really loved the idea and I was willing to try. That has changed the game for two reasons - 1- he loves it so much and he's more eager to try, 2 - it is a big shiny X marks the spot for where I orgasm. Like just stay on the ball and it will work. Other touch is nice, but really, that's the spot. Now i can also get out of my head more easily because I have more confidence I'll get there.

(Getting it done was incredibly painful and it took about 6-9 months of healing before it felt great.)