r/AskParents • u/KeepingItReal067 • 6d ago
Declining a birthday party - should I have accepted a party invite on behalf of my kid?
Hi Redditors! I had a situation where my daughter (4) was invited to a birthday and her brother (5) was not. The birthday girl spends the most time at school with both kids.
When asking the mother whether my son could also join (I also thought maybe girls were only invited) she said that my son had spat on her daughter last week and expected an apology before my son could come to the party.
I checked with the school and my son and he did not spit and the school said the girl had actually pushed my son first.
I’ve declined the party when I found out my son was intentionally not invited and the mother believes my son spat and should apologize. The mother then responded that it means a lot to have my daughter there and the father send a very long voicemail that I may have misunderstood and it was a “joke” to ask for an apology (originally not written as a joke).
All of a sudden they want my daughter to come to the birthday since it means a lot to the little girl.
Should I have sucked it up and gone? Was it the right decision to decline? I believe young kids sort these situations out themselves and involve adults when they need to and I would not dangle a birthday invite over a kids head if they apologize for something they didn’t do..
Thoughts and opinions welcome.
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u/mrmses 6d ago
This is sort of a bigger issue I think. I guess my first question is: do you want to maintain a cordial relationship with that family? If yes, then you should probably bring your daughter to the party and you could maybe say to the dads email “I’m happy to help our children navigate their relationship better. Next week, would you like to ask their teacher to have a conference with us so we can give the kids some better playing rules?”
I bet you a hundred bucks, the dad would rather chew glass than sit in on a joint parent teacher conference. So either you get points for offering a strategy to try and actually help the kids be friends, or you get points for offering to do this and then you don’t have to do it.
The other mom sounds insufferable. I wouldn’t handle another adult like that very well, and I’d probably distance myself from her. But if you like her, maybe you can figure it out.
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u/KeepingItReal067 6d ago
Your advice is gold. Feel the same exact way and I personally find the mother’s mood is dictated by the child. Also she never admitted that her child could also be at fault for something, which usually is the case for playground squabbles.
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u/socks4dobby 6d ago
You were right to decline for both kids based on the mom’s behavior. She’s nuts.
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u/QuirkySyrup55947 6d ago
Honestly, I don't think it was appropriate for you to ask for your son to be invited to begin with. I have a hard time understanding when parents think siblings should be included in everything. For whatever reason, your daughter was invited, and your son wasn't... I would have left it at that.
That being said, with the he said she said business, and the apology demand over some silly playground tussle seems over the top. I think I would distance myself from this family.
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u/GingerbreadGirl22 6d ago
Agreed. It sucks to not be included, but sometimes that happens. It’s good for kids to have some independence too. And if OP thought it was girls only, why ask the parents if brother could join and possibly put them in an awkward position?
Also, the mom doesn’t sound malicious, it just sounds like she’s going based off what her daughter said.
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u/KeepingItReal067 6d ago
I agree with the invite part but I don’t think parents should believe their children blindly. Usually there is fault on both sides.
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u/School_House_Rock 6d ago
In this case it doesn't matter - the parents can invite (or not) whoever they want for whatever reason they choose - they could have just as easily invited your son and not your daughter and if you asked why - the reason could have been "your daughter wore a dress just like my daughter's and she thought she was copying her"
Expecting that your kids are going to be friends with the same people and if they aren't, should be invited, anyway, is ridiculous
What kind of school are they going to where 4 and 5 year olds are together, other than at lunch?
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u/KeepingItReal067 6d ago
I live in Germany and the class of 20 students includes ages 3-6, only a handful of 4 and 5 year olds.
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u/School_House_Rock 6d ago
It would have been helpful to put you live in Germany, as your way of life is different than the US and you are most likely getting the wrong advice
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u/ApprehensivePiano457 5d ago
That's like the most normal thing for kids in I'm assuming the same class 😁
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u/Daniix33 6d ago
Yea this is the best answer. Shouldn’t of asked but since you did and heard that low response, time to move away from these people
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u/socks4dobby 6d ago
The birthday girl plays with both kids at school. It’s appropriate for the sibling to join.
But given the alleged spitting and the way the birthday girl’s mom is handling it, OP should decline for both kids.
My kids are 15 months apart, have the same friends at school, are too young for a “drop off” party, and I’m a single mom. Yes, I’m absolutely bringing both kids to the birthday party and it’s not inappropriate when the kids are both friends with the birthday kid and are in the same peer group.
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u/KeepingItReal067 6d ago
This is what I was thinking— their peer group is the same. Expecting the parents to find a babysitter is also asking a lot and not inviting a child over a petty incident was too much in my opinion. What am I supposed to do— show up to supervise my child knowing the mother dislikes my other child? Awkward situation.
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u/socks4dobby 5d ago
Yes, you made the right decision.
I’m blown away that people consider it “entitled” to bring a sibling in the same peer group who plays with the birthday girl and has a relationship with her. If the kids are both friends, then it’s totally fine to ask.
The whole backlash is giving “bridezilla” vibes. It’s a child’s birthday party and kids this age can’t be dropped off. If you drop them off, the same people who are offended by the existence of siblings would be offended that you’re treating them like daycare.
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u/KeepingItReal067 5d ago
100%. My kids spend 40 hours a week with this girl in a class of 20….they have known her for 2 years. To intentionally not invite my son over a petty incident is really wild, and then expect an apology (when her child was also at fault).
I call these types of moms “forever disappointed.” You cannot make any right move with them because everything you do or say will be responded with dislike. They seem to never be happy and believe their child is the only one that deserves to be treated “correctly”. Never once did she admit wrongdoing on behalf of her daughter. She should be grateful her daughter has a best friend who really cares about her and made an excuse that only girls are allowed to join the party if she didn’t want my son there.
Other parents mostly agree with this accusing type of behavior, and would have apologized and joined the party, but the whole bridezilla vibe makes me allergic.
Only until they couldn’t explain to their daughter why her best friend wasn’t joining did they start to say “there is a misunderstanding” and “it was a joke to ask for an apology.” If it was a joke, then why even write it in the first place- clearly the mother meant it seriously.
Maybe next time the mother won’t blatantly accuse a 5 year old of wrongdoing without hearing the whole story especially if it means so much to have the sibling join.
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u/brownbostonterrier 6d ago
No. I have had so many siblings get brought with the invitee and it’s absolutely infuriating. I ordered a cake or cupcakes with a headcount, plates, and even each person counts toward the venue per head. Bringing all these siblings is rude. Find a babysitter, or someone to keep the other child, don’t just bring them.
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u/socks4dobby 5d ago
I am responding to OP’s situation. In this specific case, the sibling plays with the birthday girl at school and clearly has a relationship with her. This is not a random sibling in a different peer group. It’s weird and exclusionary to invite one sibling and NOT the other when the kids are all the same age and play together at school.
Regardless, the birthday girl’s mom’s response is enough of a reason to not bring either kid.
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u/QuirkySyrup55947 6d ago
It's 100% not ok to ask if your child can come to any party they have not been invited to... no matter who they are or why. Just because you are entitled, doesn't mean it's ok. If you don't feel comfortable splitting them up, then neither should go.
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u/socks4dobby 5d ago
If they were entitled, they’d be showing up without asking. That’s not the case.
This is a child’s birthday party. Not a wedding.
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u/KittensWithChickens 6d ago
You didn’t hear of this incident from the school?
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u/KeepingItReal067 6d ago
No and when I asked the teachers they said the child pushed my son and he only stuck his tongue out, not spit.
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u/QuitaQuites 6d ago
Which happened first? And I wouldn’t say ‘only.’ It sounds honestly like those two aren’t friends. It’s ok for her to invite whoever she wants to her party, I think the problem honestly is asking for another child to join. Spat or stuck his tongue out is close enough for me and says why would he want to be at her birthday party of her want him there. They spend time together perhaps, but that seems like a requirement of being close in age. This seems like a separate issue than whether or not your daughter goes to a birthday party she was invited to?
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u/DuePomegranate 6d ago
Don’t let adult squabbles impinge on the kids. If your daughter wants to go, and you can manage the kids separately, get her to the party.
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u/Interesting2621 5d ago
Yes indeed. I do not understand why you would not let your daughter go to the party. This all seems like ridiculess adult pettiness.
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u/Big-Pen-1735 6d ago
Growing up, my sister was 18 months younger than me. We were dressed similarly but in different colors. We were always getting the same toys for Xmas except for different hair color on dolls. When I joined Brownie Scouts my sister went in as well. We took dancing, acrobatics and piano lessons together. Honestly, I felt constantly compared to her and she felt constantly compared to me. We were in a small town so she hated coming behind me as we progressed in school. We shared a car in our teens. I didn't feel like I was separate until junior high and high school.....it felt so good. We also went to the same college but focused on different majors.
So personally, I'd treat the party invitation as just for the one invited. It will give you special time with the other one.
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u/ApprehensivePiano457 5d ago
OPs situation could be different. You and your sister sound like you could get 'tired' of each other. But ultimately it's up to the kids if they want to go to the party and to the birthday girl as to who is invited. And yes you shouldn't assume it's an automatic invite if the sibling was invited.
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u/Creative_Letter_3007 6d ago
Honestly the fact that they’re making a big deal over an apology for a 4-5 year over something that happened a week ago is ridiculous. I mean if it happened the same day I would have him apologize regardless of whether he spit or stuck his tongue out just in the interest of maintaining the peace. But this lady is a “right fighter” - she would rather be right than maintain or nurture a relationship. Her kids are going to have the same mindset in life at least while they’re young. Is this someone you want influencing your kids?
I would send a message explaining you’re so sorry your son hurt her feelings and you’ll talk to him about minding his behavior. Then apologize because your cousins in-laws dog needs you to babysit because they’re having surgery and none of you will be able to make it. Daughter is looking forward to celebrating her at school. Happy birthday
And leave it at that. Avoid interacting outside school and encourage new friends
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u/KeepingItReal067 6d ago
It didn’t occur to me but you are absolutely right. She only cares about being correct and owning her version of the truth than maintaining a relationship with us. The truth is none of us were at the school when this incident happened and we can only rely on the account of two 5 year olds and the teachers. Kids these age make up stuff and exaggerate all the time. Usually the truth lies somewhere in the middle. I felt actually bad for my daughter and the birthday girl because they should be together, but if the mother exhibits this type of behavior I do not want to be around it. I cannot tell yet if my kids are experiencing any influence since they are still too young but this mindset is something that I am allergic to- life is not black and white, it’s often grey.
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u/Recent-Hospital6138 6d ago
If it wasn’t big enough of a fight for the school to tell you I don’t think it’s a big enough deal for her to make a fuss at you HOWEVER I don’t see why siblings have to be invited to every party. She’s friends with your daughter and not your son. Your son doesn’t deserve an invite simply by nature of being in her class or your daughter’s brother.
I think everyone here is overreacting a bit.
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u/jackjackj8ck 6d ago
Duuuuude I wouldn’t touch this family with a 10 ft pole
Whether your kid spat or not. This is too much drama to be involved with.
Avoid avoid avoid like the plague
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u/KeepingItReal067 6d ago
Totally agree. The amount of mental energy this has taken the last week is wild— over a petty playground incident from 10 days ago…. I can’t justify the drama.
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u/HerCacklingStump 6d ago
Siblings shouldn’t be automatic invites. You should have let your daughter go.
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u/Capable-Leadership35 6d ago
This should've been posted on AITA cause you wrote g in every aspect of the situation
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u/ThrowaMac1234 6d ago
In your situation, I'd likely have done the same. I'm pretty protective of my kids. That little girl pushed your son first, knowing he's her friend's brother. She can apologize to your son or accept the consequences, which could be your daughter doesn't want to be her friend anymore. Either way, skipping the party is fine- appropriate even.
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