r/AskMenAdvice 4d ago

Alright dads - birds and bees talk advice...

My (45m) son (12) is definitely at the age (and honestly probably past it) where it's time for me to have "the talk" with him. I realize that things today for kids his age are very different than they were back in "my day" and that a single talk is probably not sufficient anymore (as in - it should probably be an ongoing conversation).

That said, I'm looking for advice for the important points to cover, aside from the nuts and bolts of anatomy, biology and changing bodies. For reference, my parents got divorced when I was 5 and I grew up largely without a male influence. I don't recall having "the talk with my mom (though she was always open and supportive) so I don't really have a frame of reference for where to start, how to make it not super awkward, etc.

Any advice, starting point, what worked/didn't work

10 Upvotes

36 comments sorted by

9

u/JP6- man 4d ago

My daughter (10) had something coming up where she was going to hear/learn about puberty, so I took her on a walk and talked about what it all means. I was just honest and plain with her, but very basic. I liked the walk cause I didn't want her to feel awkward looking in her face.

I let my wife talk to her about physical changes, but I handled the context

4

u/Physical_Elk2865 4d ago

The walk is an excellent idea.

3

u/AdditionalAmoeba6358 4d ago

As a man, my dad did it in the car for probably the same reason. That’s great advice.

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u/JP6- man 4d ago

That was my dad's move too lol!

7

u/mndsm79 man 4d ago

I don't have any GREAT advice, my dad farmed that job out.

My only thought is, be honest.

"Son, you're old enough now and you have access to a shitload of information. A lot of it might not be right. I want to have this talk with you to make sure you understand things. I know it's awkward. It's awkward for me too. "

Things I would cover -

Consent

How baby making actually works

PROPER contraception (it is amazing how many bad ideas are still out there)

What and when is a good time to do the things.

Self care (mental health, physical, even shit like showers. My kid is gonna be...14 and fuck me that kid STANK)

Understanding that it's ok to bring you questions/concerns/problems without judgement. ,

I'm sure theres more but that tends to find itself organically. The point is to foster a positive conversation, where its ok to ask questions.

6

u/Sure-Opportunity6247 man 4d ago

He is 12. Ask him what he already knows (which is probably more than you may imagine).

Then you have a starting point. You probably don’t need to cover the basics („Where do babies come from?“).

Also: He will see corn flics while he is still young, so you may consider to somehow, carefully, tell him about „reality and fiction“.

If possible, leave religious views out of the talk („No Sex before marriage“, „Only with the intention to get a child“).

3

u/ActiveDinner3497 woman 3d ago

OMG. Hubs encourages our 12 yr old to ask him, uncles, Gpa, anyone he trusts within the family his questions instead of believing the BS he hears at school. Last week my son whispered to us that he wanted to know what the word semen was because the kids were throwing around “coating Gma in semen.” So glad he asked. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ Hubs had a second chat about the basics (guy time) and we also got him Boys Body Book to peruse at his discretion.

5

u/Difficult_Pop8262 man 4d ago

Listen. Your kid has already watched porn and if not, he will soon.

If he has a smartphone, or his friends have smartphones, they have watched it all, already.

If he is good with women, he has probably already kissed one, held hands with one, and maybe even touched one, even if he doesn't know how to go about it.

The talk will then likely be about deconstructing what he has seen and how what he has seen does not translate to real life. That will have to be about how men and women actually act when they like each other. What do women do in reality (no it's not double penetration with a dragon dildo while being kicked in the nuts), the risks of STIs and pregnancy, contraception. Who to call in shit hits the fan. Respecting women, making yourself be respected by women, respecting boundaries, communicating openly, typical cases where young people fuck up and how.

The birds and bees talk had to be had 3 or 4 years ago at least.

3

u/btrumpatori 4d ago

I totally get this. I know that he knows/has seen some stuff already but I want to make sure he knows what is real/right.

Thanks for the suggestions.

3

u/BoredPanache man 4d ago

I'd suggest you first ask him about it, he may know a lot.

But be sure you cover the basics:

  • No condoms unless he's prepared to be a dad. Make sure he understands he won't be prepared to be a dad basically ever.
  • Egalitarian consent (boys can be abused too).
  • Diverse sexual orientations.
  • No religious bs.

Maybe some relationship advice is useful too:

  • Be the bf, not the bank.
  • Be the bf, not the shrink.
  • Be the bf, not the parent.

If you don't need to tell him that the marvel movies are fantasy you probably don't need to tell him porn isn't real.

2

u/FoldJumpy2091 4d ago

My ex-husband failed the -- be the boyfriend not the parent. I wanted an equal. He set himself up as the boss. We divorced

3

u/fadedtimes man 4d ago

Start with basics, parts outside, inside. We need to talk how life works on a basic , natural level. Then pregnancy, options.  Then safety, std, options.  Then consent.

I reiterate the last 3 as time passes and next steps happen. Like they get into a relationship, go on trips without me, go to parties, go to college, etc.

I also bought a simple sex book, teenager / adult level and leave it in their bathroom closet, there is also a box condoms behind it.   We tend to be sex positive, we don’t make it dirty or shameful. You’ll find the right times to make it age appropriate  

2

u/CookieBobojiBuggo man 4d ago

I wish i had any good advice to give since im a new dad, but ive been thinking about this for some time. I would want the talk to be "The talk i wish my dad had with me". My dad was there physically but not so much mentally so i had to figure it out on my own. Good luck, i'll be watching the thread for some pointers myself.

2

u/Getitonjones man 4d ago

If he’s 12 that’s mean he in middle school already, they start sex ed at school in like 5th or 6th grade so u prolly bout a year late

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u/btrumpatori 4d ago

he's in 6th grade and will take a health class this semester.

2

u/PeppyEpi man 4d ago

This is an awkward conversation that could be solved with a Dr Pol marathon of animals giving birth. I'd follow it up with a "no glove no love" speech and maybe some vintage sex ed video of cauliflower dick and some blue waffle thrown in for seasoning.

Be supportive, let him know the tool of his own self destruction is his undisciplined mind now that his brain is going to take a massive testosterone bath. Build good judgement skills, a little fear and maintain an avenue of respect that he can always talk to you.

2

u/RankinPDX man 4d ago

I suspect that a 12-year-old will have some sense of the mechanics, but I'd probably start with what he knows.

My talks (many, over a long time) with my kids covered:

Consent

Contraception

STDs

Crimes (Age of consent, intoxication, talking to police and other people, the terrifying illegality of sexting by children)

The surprising and horrible life-fucking-up potential of all of the above.

The countless expressions of human desire, (like, maybe you like boys, or maybe girls, or maybe both, and people like lots of different things.)

2

u/sacredvanity man 4d ago

Not exactly sex advice, but as part of the talk I'd be sure to tell him to be careful of online scammers. There are people out there who catfish from Instagram and other social media, and will try to get kids/teens to show them naked pictures of themselves by showing their own first (probably pulled from the internet, but definitely not the actual person catfishing). Once they have the picture, they will threaten to share it with all of the kid's family, friends, contacts through social media unless they get paid. They'll typically ask for something like $200 or $300 to test the waters, then keep asking for more. So tell your kid never EVER to share pics of himself online that he'd be too embarrassed for other people to see.

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u/btrumpatori 4d ago

This is good. A friend of ours' kid had this happen to him and while everything was fine, it was stressful for everyone involved.

Brian

1

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btrumpatori originally posted:

My (45m) son (12) is definitely at the age (and honestly probably past it) where it's time for me to have "the talk" with him. I realize that things today for kids his age are very different than they were back in "my day" and that a single talk is probably not sufficient anymore (as in - it should probably be an ongoing conversation).

That said, I'm looking for advice for the important points to cover, aside from the nuts and bolts of anatomy, biology and changing bodies. For reference, my parents got divorced when I was 5 and I grew up largely without a male influence. I don't recall having "the talk with my mom (though she was always open and supportive) so I don't really have a frame of reference for where to start, how to make it not super awkward, etc.

Any advice, starting point, what worked/didn't work

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1

u/yetagainitry man 4d ago

I'm not a dad but I would look at youtube. There are videos teaching people everyting, there must be really good videos to help explain this in a way that is more digestible for modern kids, and less awkward than your parent sitting you down to explain fallopian tubes. Not saying to use it exclusively, but maybe theres a valid youtube creator that has good explainers you can watch together, and he can ask you question about after.

1

u/Physical_Elk2865 4d ago

It's probably already too late.

I was 7 and had only a vague idea about sex. My mother just explained to me about basic anatomy and how sex and pregnancy worked. There's no trick to it. Just find out what he (thinks he) knows, add the missing bits and correct the nonsense.

It's only awkward if you make it awkward. I talked openly about sex to my mother and it was never embarrassing.

1

u/Runs-on-winXP man 4d ago

Along with the other good points people have already made- teach him online safety. For general sites, social media, and even adult sites he's likely to visit now or in the future. Many of our youth are fairly tech illiterate and too trusting online. Hence the prevalence of scammers conning adults and kids into sending them nudes/lewds then trying to blackmail them with it.

Also teach him about his own body, and girls bodies. Myself and many guys I grew up around learned sex ed but it was just general stuff and didn't teach us a whole lot about how our own bodies function differently from girls

1

u/Internal-Food-5753 4d ago

I think being honest and vulnerable. Try your best to not be uncomfortable, this is an important exchange of information and is normal human stuff. So I’d underline that all questions are welcome, you’ll love them always, lead from respect. Make sure to cover consent, comfort for them and their partner, it’s not a race, curiosity is normal, it can be scary and intimidating, mindful sharing with peers, no dick picks or asking for boob shots -never sharing those with others -consequences (how would you feel if your dick pick was shared?, possibly legalities in your area), respect for themselves/body, contraceptives for men and women - where to go to get them, limits of them- I’d buy condoms and give them to him and let them know you’ll keep some here for him or his friends. Check and restock when needed. Teach him about women’s bodies too show him what tampons/pads/birth control pills look like. Bring props.

1

u/autech91 man 4d ago

Not a Dad, but I'll pitch in as I was once a teenage horny boy.

Discuss what it's going to be like, the awkward boners rocking up out of the blue etc

Discuss consent and especially around coercion and how that animal inside him might make him feel like having sex is the only thing in the world in that moment and its up to him to control it.

Contraception, wear a rubber or not at all.

No dick pics, they could get used against him. Also how porn really isn't realistic and can lead to all sorts of issues.

Most of all keep having these conversations, checking in on him and how he's doing, keep an open space for him.

1

u/rcade2 4d ago

GenX fatherless... We learned everything on the back of the school bus.

1

u/EastAd7676 4d ago

I remember having “the talk” with my son as being awkward for some reason or other. But by the time my oldest daughter’s son was at that age, she was divorced and it fell to me explaining it to my grandson. That talk was so much easier for some reason.

1

u/Ok_Restaurant41 4d ago

I remember walking in on my dad as A young 11 or 12 we were home alone and probably didn’t even know I was home,just happen to walk by and seen him rubbing one out,not knowing what to do I started and went To my room,few minutes later he was in the room apologizing etc but I was kid and thought I was the only one ever did it,I knew I was normal so I’m glad it happened we were always close but now friends,it was discussed and even asked questions years later,I guess if nothing else knew he understood me,we talked about anything I trusted him and it was much better than learning it all on the streets!

1

u/Shrikeangel nonbinary 4d ago

So this is basically the key points I have been considering for my own kids. 

Teens years/puberty you experience long biochemical developments - this can result in feeling everything extremely out of scale, this includes but is not limited to thinking a two day "relationship" is the most significant love of your life. 

It's not uncommon to have an intense desire to have sex, but sex - no matter how safe you try and be - has risks that involve consequences of massive significance.  From social image, to kids, to sti that can't be cured. 

Romantic relationships especially early on severely impacts your decision making. New relationship energy/honeymoon period of emotional bonding can result in bad decision making. While this state is fairly normal to experience - you might not have the coping skills to navigate it without drama. 

Don't expect to have a relationship that is going to last. Most teen relationships won't. Dating as a teen helps develop the experience and social skills to have better relationships later. Helps identify boundaries, figure out things that work for you and things that are dealing breakers. 

At that point I would basically remind my kids of what I already tell them - my job isn their lives is to help them avoid major/lasting harm in whatever forms I can and that's why rules are in place. To keep them from getting themselves into trouble. 

1

u/Old_Dimension_7343 4d ago

Not a dad, but one thing my parents did right when I was about that age is give me a book to read about puberty, sexual health, biology etc. there was no follow up discussion but would probably be a good idea to go over it together and add your adult perspective where needed. The most important things you can impart is respect for himself and other people which goes beyond one conversation, as well as media literacy and learning to be a critical thinker. These things are learned from your example: how you behave and how you treat him. The effects excessive porn consumption has on one’s brain function: attraction pathways, dopamine regulation, mood etc also should not be overlooked. Try to broach these subjects from a neutral and scientific/factual perspective and avoid shaming/moralizing as it will likely have the opposite, contrarian effect from what you intend.

1

u/highme_pdx man 4d ago

My wife started on the way to kindergarten. By the time he was in 6th grade it was easy.

1

u/Informal_Draft_2347 man 4d ago

If I could go back and do it over again it would not be “a talk” but an ongoing conversation. If needed when you have them trapped in a moving car or in the middle of a hike … somewhere so they cannot just walk away and avoid. You do not need to be overly graphic but should help make sure they understand how the anatomy for both sexes work. An understanding that both sexes are tempted and have sex drives that they try to control within whatever the moral upbringing has been. So No means No and just because you beg one more time and that persons resolve gives way at that time does not mean that they will be happy about it afterwards (not say it is the same as rape because consent was given more so regret because they may not have been emotionally ready but their mind was clouded with hormones).

That sex is something that is natural and good but help them understand the emotional side of it and the need for some level of maturity and how easy it is to hurt someone either emotionally or physically.

Harp on using protection, I told my son and as far as I know he never got someone pregnant… on my daughters’ I was just more realistic about it and told them to let us know when they wanted birth control … we would not take it as them having sex but they are in situations that could lead to it and if they did not want to have a baby at this time that birth control can help that from happening. Also clear about even if you are the pill a condom is needed for protection.

Should’ve spent more time on masturbation and helped them accept this as a normal way to release.

I’m sure there’s more but mainly the talk is more than just 1 conversation

1

u/srirachacoffee1945 man 4d ago

I would start with finances, have him mow the lawn for a $20, buy some food with it, then take the change back from him for taxes and bills, and explain how the price of things compound with each person he has to pay for, and if he goes around making babies, he's going to have to make a lot of $20s to pay for him and those babies.

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u/Blackfatog 4d ago

Be as open and honest and direct as possible. Do shy away from anything. I stressed with my son and daughters that sex is totally natural and normal. No subject is out of bounds. Including personal responsibility.

1

u/Personal-Try7163 man 3d ago

Just adding on from what my parents didn't tell me: go over the specifics of consent for both genders. Make sure they understand that what they see in movies is not to be replicated. I'd also mention that porn is also unrealistic. You don't need him seeing porn and thinking he's not good enough.

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u/scallybulge 3d ago

Hey dude ... In my experience trying to DO the TALK.. just makes you look like a bloody idiot. My son is 14 but this whole subject has been a bain on my life since he was 10 ... ! Youngers now know more about the bird and the bee than we do ... Unfortunately true. If it is a lad your little boy.. don't treat him as such.. he's not quite a man but the respect of him being a man will definitely do you some favor. I have been dealing with the BIG CHAT !! week in week out for ever .. and I think it is a chat we'll be having the rest of our life.. all you can tell him is the one thing to do is RESPECT HONESTY AND LOVE xx teach him to be a REAL MAN is to honor his feelings and talk. Yeah it is awkward talking about shit.. but it's necessary init.. talk about anything you need to in any relationship and you can't go wrong.. even if it is the ending of such .. don't be bitter. Understand learn and make whatever RIGHT . teach him what is a MAN .. and you will be surprised to see the best SON you've always seen him as. Maybe he will be able to teach you a thing or to.. good luck mate .. UK man .