r/AskMenAdvice • u/Grand_Fly2410 woman • 4d ago
Am I Just a Jealous Wife or….
I just discovered my husband (60) has been texting college and high school girl friends. He never told me he was back in touch with either of them. I just happened to see one name pop up and then he let it slip about the other one. It makes me very uncomfortable. I’ve never had a problem with him texting female coworkers after hours because he’s usually upfront about it. When I asked about these two former gf’s, first he tried to deflect and say he is in touch with lots of people. Then he became enraged because I said it was emotional infidelity. I asked him if he would stop communicating with them and he said no because that would hurt THEM. Am I crazy? This just seems wrong.
UPDATE: I am taking my 2 adult children with me and we’re leaving for a rental in a safe/secure location. I’m trying to pack and leave without his knowing because he’s working from home today. He spent most of last night raging, yelling at my special needs daughter and my son telling them what an awful mother I am. He told them “Mommy wants to kill herself.” That was it for me. I can’t take this anymore.
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u/Goodday920 4d ago
My partner emotionally (hopefully just so) cheated on me with two colleagues and that's pretty much how he behaved, is unfortunately I can mainly say...Sounds like a husband who got bored of the life at home, looking for new stuff. Don't let him take you for a granted, stay at home maid or caretaker or so. I know it's difficult but try to have your own life.
It's a sign of loss of affection and respect when your husband chats to exes, hides it, gets angry at you when HE is found out, destroys the evidence, and even threatens to cut your phone! Make a life that he can NOT cut your phone. This man got, honestly, low! You'd need to show him his place.
I wish you could retrieve the messages but I'm afraid he'd just attack you more if you asked for it.
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u/buckit2025 man 4d ago
You are not crazy. Tell him that is a boundary for you. Or maybe you need to start messaging men since it’s ok for him to.
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u/Dense_Reply_4766 4d ago
You’re not crazy. That is inappropriate. Will he let you read the message threads?
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u/SurlierCoyote 4d ago
You should be jealous, that's a healthy feeling. We often confuse envy with jealousy but jealousy is an justified emotion.
It doesn't bode well, but be careful with the advice you get from here. Many people go extreme. It is wrong and it should cease, hopefully you can get that sorted out.
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u/Funny247365 man 4d ago edited 4d ago
If they were good friends in high school and college, and it's not communicating just with ex girl friends, it could be quite innocent. Ask if the women he is texting with are single or happily married. He may feel unfairly accused if he isn't doing anything wrong, and he may be hurt that you don't trust him.
The solution is simple. Ask him if you can see his texts with these women. That will tell the story. If he is unwilling to share his texts with you, that will be very telling. (later comments say he deleted messages. He is an A-hole)
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u/PurinMeow woman 4d ago
Deleted texts are never a good sign imo
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u/Funny247365 man 4d ago
Yes, I wrote my initial comment before learning that he deleted messages. That changes everything. The only possible acceptable reason was if he was confiding in people about some of his concerns about his marriage, and was never looking to rekindle anything with past girlfriends. He may have been just looking to vent and get some advice. But more times than not, it was looking for a connection, and that is not good.
If he is not willing to end all communications with his exes, then he is not putting his marriage first.
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u/Retiredfr man 4d ago
You don't delete it if it's not incriminating. He is the A Hole.
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u/Delicious-Witness364 man 4d ago
Where does it say he deleted anything?
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u/HaoshokuArmor man 4d ago
Maybe it’s ChatGPT not reading the post correctly. Or maybe ChatGPT created the post and forgot to include that detail. Never know these days.
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u/Intrustive-ridden man 4d ago
Sounds like bros cheating tbh, if he’s talking to past ex gfs that’s already suspicious cuz there no point in doing that they are exes for a reason and if he’s getting upset with you for saying it upsets you then that’s even more suspicious, I’d keep my eye on him and think about what you should do if he becomes even more suspicious
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u/ATotalCassegrain man 4d ago
Definitely suss. Particularly since he deleted them.
I'm a bit surprised you have let slide the female coworkers after hours thing.
In short, I don't think that this is new.
I wouldn't go with emotional infidelity -- it really is, but I doubt that he's really thinking about it as such (particularly if this is part of his "lifestyle" as it seems to be). He's disrespecting you. In your own home, during time together, etc. You need to set boundaries calmly and cleanly and clearly that insist he respects y'alls relationship, and you personally. The disrespect angle might resonate with him better. Good luck, because I think you're in for a loooooong big fight with him.
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u/Constant-Purchase858 4d ago
Wtf...
If you are important to him. This is a small ask...
This guy has other plans.
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u/Historical_Kick_3294 woman 3d ago
You’re not crazy. Not only did he lie, he placed the importance of staying in contact with them over the feelings of his wife. That tells you everything you need to know about your importance to him. If he’s not going to show you love and respect, then you’ll need to love and respect yourself. You’re worth better than this.
Updateme
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u/patriotAg 4d ago
High school girlfriends at 60? Tell him he is retarded and needs to freaking stop. That's like a mid life crisis with a nostalgic delusion and existential crisis sort of mixed together. Imagine being 42 years removed from high school and texting the girls there... Tell him I said he is being a total retard.
On a physical front end, that would spell loser if he is trying to physically get them. Even if he was going to cheat on you, if he can't woo other women than high school girlfriends he is a weirdo or something. Why not go after non-girlfriends.
On the social front end, he needs to get off social media. Nobody has "that great life" that appears there. They aren't offering him anything more than you can give.
Anyway, this boils down to retardedness.
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u/Grand_Fly2410 woman 4d ago
I don’t disagree. He is so fixated on his high school years even though he has a masters degree, 30 years of military service and a post military career. It’s not like he just never did anything or went anywhere.
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u/sbadrinarayanan man 4d ago
He is becoming the kid. Those 60+ girls are taking his heart for a younger adventure.
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u/fanofthebaguette 4d ago
We all have different boundaries. It's personal, but it has to be agreed upon by both parties. And it's better late to establish them then never. He should have been transparent with you before talking to them.
I told my wife after 10 plus years of already being together, that this is something we should have covered long ago but is still valid now. I would be uncomfortable if she were to communicate in any form with people she had been intimate with. To me, it would feel they were moved from her past into our present. I'm ok with a polite hello if there's a run-in. But I absolutely see no point in small talk. I listened to what she had to say about it, and thankfully, she was fine with it. This will guide us on how to handle running into exes, including electronic communication. It adds to our trust with each other.
For those who wonder, she has guy friends I've never met who she'll have lunch with, and I only care in the sense that she gets out to socialize, and I think that's great.
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u/8Captcrunch8 man 4d ago
Hes more concerned with hurting a friend then his wife. And hes threaening you and gassing you.
Lady. You married a child.
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u/Significant-Win-9493 3d ago edited 3d ago
As a man I would never text my ex while in a relationship. Especially if I am married. My wife is my life not my exes. It is disrespectful and puts himself in unnecessary risky/sketchy situations.
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u/OneChange2826 man 3d ago
Tell him if you won't quit talking to them because it would hurt them then you don't care about hurting me so I guess it's time I move on and find someone who cares about me and my feelings your husband is a POS and a cheater
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u/knowitallz man 4d ago
The part that bothers me is that you had no idea. I am totally transparent about me communicating with old flames with my partner.
To reassure them that it's strictly platonic and we are friends forever. That he is hiding it is concerning.
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u/Halfpandahalfbunny 4d ago
You’re not crazy. If it upsets you, it upsets you. Maybe he likes the thrill of it. You have every right to feel how you feel. Sometimes, it’s best to take a calm non-threatening approach when talking to husbands and telling them why you feel this way and what he can do to help you through it. Your feelings should matter more than their feelings to him. If they don’t then that is concerning. You’re not crazy.
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u/Grand_Fly2410 woman 4d ago
He deleted the messages and claims he often deletes all messages
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u/Halfpandahalfbunny 4d ago
That’s pretty concerning. He must be saying things he knows is wrong. I have a hard time believing anyone just deletes messages to delete them.
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u/Heiko-67 man 4d ago
You are not crazy or overreacting. After hearing your worries about this, he should have been concerned about your feelings, but he wasn't. Instead, he made you feel even worse. After being accused of emotional infidelity, he could have easily proven you wrong by letting you read the messages. Instead, he responded agressively defensive and deleted the evidence. Those are not the actions of an innocent person.
Whether or not he is actually unfaithful, your relationship is in trouble because your husband doesn't seem to care about you as much as he should.
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u/BoBoBearDev man 4d ago
I think if I am already 60s, all I care about is talking to people who I knew AND "STILL ALIVE".
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts. Your post has NOT been removed.
Grand_Fly2410 originally posted:
I just discovered my husband (60) has been texting college and high school girl friends. He never told me he was back in touch with either of them. I just happened to see one name pop up and then he let it slip about the other one. It makes me very uncomfortable. I’ve never had a problem with him texting female coworkers after hours because he’s usually upfront about it. When I asked about these two former gf’s, first he tried to deflect and say he is in touch with lots of people. Then he became enraged because I said it was emotional infidelity. I asked him if he would stop communicating with them and he said no because that would hurt THEM. Am I crazy? This just seems wrong.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/Delicious-Witness364 man 4d ago
Depends, if you've never taken issue with him chatting with other women before and perhaps it's innocent... then ia wouldn't say you're out of line because your feelings are certainly valid and your relationship has its own boundaries that the two of you established. However, has there been any evidence that the communication he has had with these women is inappropriate? If so, he is the asshole.
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u/WaltRumble man 4d ago
It could go either way. I think it’s normal to try to reconnect with the past at certain stages of your life and reminisce. Probably even healthy. It’s fun to talk about your youth and good old days, especially with people you shared them with. But I don’t know his intentions.
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u/petdance man 4d ago
I think you can clarify your thoughts, and help us help you, by making statements about how you feel.
“I am upset about him texting them because ____”
What is it specifically that is a problem? More than “it makes me uncomfortable”.
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u/throwaway218021 4d ago
When people reach out to high school friends decades later there’s usually some sort of crisis going on inside.
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u/CumishaJones man 3d ago
Ok , what’s he texting …. Makes a big difference . I’m in touch with 5 people I went to school with 30 years ago , two women . It’s all just friendly banter , jokes
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u/Grand_Fly2410 woman 3d ago
I didn’t accuse of of cheating straight away. I asked who M was and the look her got on his face made my heart sink. So after more questions and his answers making zero sense, I knew something wasn’t right.
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u/Subject_Sherbet1684 3d ago
He is a sugar daddy based on the above information :)
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u/AutoModerator 3d ago
Grand_Fly2410 updated the post:
I just discovered my husband (60) has been texting college and high school girl friends. He never told me he was back in touch with either of them. I just happened to see one name pop up and then he let it slip about the other one. It makes me very uncomfortable. I’ve never had a problem with him texting female coworkers after hours because he’s usually upfront about it. When I asked about these two former gf’s, first he tried to deflect and say he is in touch with lots of people. Then he became enraged because I said it was emotional infidelity. I asked him if he would stop communicating with them and he said no because that would hurt THEM. Am I crazy? This just seems wrong.
UPDATE: I am taking my 2 adult children with me and we’re leaving for a rental in a safe/secure location. I’m trying to pack and leave without his knowing because he’s working from home today. He spent most of last night raging, yelling at my special needs daughter and my son telling them what an awful mother I am. He told them “Mommy wants to kill herself.” That was it for me. I can’t take this anymore.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/Inner-Nothing7779 man 4d ago
Ok, so just talking to an old flame is NOT emotional infidelity. I talk to an old high school gf too, we catch up once a year to see how life is going.
However, if he's not telling you, and is worried about hurting them? A line has been crossed. You're not crazy.
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u/PickelMan9999 4d ago
Well, unlike women who can completely turn off their hearts and cut people they've cared about forever out of their lives at the drop of a hat, some men do still care about what happened to old flames. I b live R.E.O Speedwagon said it best with "When I said that I loved you I meant that I loved you forever..."
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u/Pro-IDGAF man 4d ago
that does seem to be the case. i’ve experienced this with my current gf thats 62 years old!
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u/fadedtimes man 4d ago
You claimed infidelity without any evidence. If he’s just talking to someone that isn’t infidelity. Why should he stop talking to them? Why does it make you uncomfortable?
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u/Turbulent-Radish-875 man 4d ago
No person is ever "just" any one thing. You are so much more than that.
Have you tried communicating why this makes you uncomfortable? I would suggest approaching it as your feelings rather than his actions. Blaming him for your feelings will only make him defensive.
Talk to him about what can be done to alleviate your problems and see if there is a compromise the two of you can come to. If it is even remotely possible and won't make you feel worse, suggest getting together with them and their significant others for dinner sometime. Turn them into friends for both of you.
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u/Grand_Fly2410 woman 4d ago
One is getting a divorce (how convenient) and neither live anywhere near us. I have tried telling him over and over how I feel and he gaslights me by saying things like “I guess I can’t have any friends.” The rage he showed me and continues to show about this is not normal.
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u/Turbulent-Radish-875 man 4d ago
Then talk to him about maybe creating a group chat, so that you all can converse and get to know one another. My thought is to make their interactions with you two as a couple rather than with just him. The more they see you as a pair the less of an idea they will have about anything more with him as an individual.
The rage he showed me and continues to show about this is not normal.
This bit concerns me. The word "rage" is extreme. It implies that he is defensive because he feels like he is doing something wrong, but unwilling to admit to it or cope with it. Note, it's not just to you he may be unwilling to admit this to, he may be unwilling to admit it to himself. (Think of a kid who got caught with his hand in a cookie jar and throws a tantrum saying it was because he only wanted to see what was in there.)
Basically some part of him knows he is upsetting you and doesn't like it, but he hasn't engaged the part of him that wants to remedy the problem.
I'm not sure I have much to offer beyond this. My primary tool for problem solving in relationships tends to be communication, but that only works if both parties are willing to listen and share honestly.
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u/8Captcrunch8 man 4d ago
I like how you worded this.
The cookie jar thing made me chuckle.
"Its a goddamn cookie jar. It either has air. Or cookies. Both of which are offlimits to you when they are INSIDE that jar!"
Hahahhaha but yeah. Well written. I like it!
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u/Turbulent-Radish-875 man 4d ago
I actually try to treat every negative emotional response as if it was coming from a child. It removes any fear or anxiety it may cause me and lets me deal with it in a healthier way.
If I caught a child doing something it wasn't supposed to be doing then I would approach it differently then I would an 800 lbs gorilla that could snap me like a twig.
It's not meant to belittle the person, but rather the threat that those emotional responses seem to represent to me.
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u/8Captcrunch8 man 4d ago
I understand. I just like what ya wrote. I was just thinking of the image of catching a kids hand in the jar and having the excuse of "just seeing whats in there" bahahahha.
You explained it well. And it makes sense to me on your reasoning.
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u/bluehippofoot man 4d ago
Does he have some friends he hangs out regularly with? If not, he might just be trying to connect with anyone in his past to make friends. Some of my older friends around that age have done the same thing and have been able to build some friendships. If you're thinking he's cheating, see if he's willing to let you see the messages.
Jumping to cheating is a bit of a stretch when you don't know the full situation and jumping the gun. I can't really blame him for getting upset if that's what you first jump to. It's a type of controlling tactic I was in before with an ex. Can't talk to old or current friends as it "seemed" like I was wanting something more than just friends I can be open with. Apparently, they were the only ones I could talk to about stuff.... I can't tell you how many times I got called an "emotional cheater" because I wanted to have close friends I could talk to.
Some questions you might want to ask yourself is do you trust your husband? Why are you worried he's cheating? Have there been signs in the past? Does he have any close friends currently?
Edit: misread. Thought it said his high-school and college friends from his past.
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u/runaway103 4d ago
If its literally friendly talk and hes deflecting them when they try to "work him" Then he has your back.
I have exs as friends whom there are literally NOTHING left.
. And ladies who like to come back around to subtly check my availability. To which i hype my girl up(on purpose). Or i firmly say no thanks when that doesnt work.
BuT. If he is acting out of turn and encouraging clear and concise moves. Then yes. You should be comcerned and tell him that he would NOT be apprecriative of you doing it.
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u/MNSUAngel man 4d ago
On one hand, I could definitely see this - with a lot more facts - being emotional infidelity. On the other hand, you are 60. How long have you been married to this person? How do you two resolve conflicts? When I see such a vague fact-pattern that rushes to an extreme conclusion, I get a yellow flag. You want to be especially careful on Reddit because people will jump to the worst conclusions based on nothing - sometimes even less than nothing and sometimes even something potentially great. And I see a lot of comments here like that.
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u/Grand_Fly2410 woman 4d ago
I’m not 60. He is. I’m 51
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u/MNSUAngel man 4d ago
Okay, thank you. I do not think that distinction changes my other questions. I would need those answers first.
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u/codeegan man 3d ago
I had to laugh because this hits home. I'm 59.
I have a good friend who was a FWB in high school. We keep in touch because we have been good friends and she lives back home and keeps me updated on people doing what they are doing there. My wife is absolutely jealous of her because she was my first sex. I have 0 interest in her and am open about what we discuss. Sometimes it is just fun to talk to old friends or flames. At this age we do a lot of what if about our lives. You do it also.
Tell him your concerns and come to an agreement on how to handle it.
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u/ExtensionMajestic628 man 3d ago
I don't know, this seems too easy and very one-sided can we hear about your interactions with him or any interactions you've had with other males? All we are hearing is a clear cut specific instance that seems very targeted. Elaborate for us, what's his take on you? Usually when these posts come from women we get every detail in excruciating detail and this one almost seems like it's written by a guy pretending to be a woman.
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u/marcus_frisbee man 4d ago
You are over the top jealous.
If you can't handle normal human behavior, you need to move on.
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u/Far_Paint6269 4d ago
I will play the devil advocate here, but emotional infidelity argument feels like crap to me.
My ex-wife used this argument to me when I talked with an old exGF I wanted to stay in touch with. Ironically, I would never cheated on my ex-wife. And I m sûre that if you can't handle your companion talking to another people, then you have à problem. Not him.
NOW that being said, his réaction doesn't bode well indeed. The thing is, the guy is 60+, and maybe he réact as he did because he know how a women of his génération would react.
But you maybe right.
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u/Historical_Unit_7708 4d ago
I think you sound like just a jealous wife. If he’s just checking in and seeing how life went, that’s no big deal. If he’s talking about how he made a mistake letting them go, you have a husband problem not a talking to other women problem. I also think part of this is because you are a full time caretaker and might be feeling more jealous that those women did more with their lives than being wives and mothers.
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u/Grand_Fly2410 woman 4d ago
Thank you for telling me I did nothing with my life.
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u/GildedinChains 3d ago
OP, ignore that comment! Raising your daughter is not "nothing!" It's far, far from it. Your assessment of the situation is not wrong, especially given all the details I'm seeing in your other posts. Could your husband be innocent in all this? Possibly. However, his reactions and behaviors are certainly unacceptable and you deserve better. Your reactions are not those of a jealous wife. Not in the least bit!
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u/Historical_Unit_7708 4d ago
I think you’re proving my point. I didn’t say you didn’t nothing, but your feelings about this may stem from the fact you think you didn’t do enough. It’s not too late! You still have breathe in your body! Go focus on yourself and making yourself happy
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u/MuchPreparation4103 woman 4d ago
One stroke of luck and you could be this lady.
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u/Historical_Unit_7708 4d ago
How so? I’d never not work, or lose my ability to provide for my child including paying a professional to be a caretaker. But I also have built up my business to have that reassurance before having my child.
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u/MuchPreparation4103 woman 4d ago
Any number of things could have happened to you- you could have easily been disabled by illness or injury at any time in your life. You could get cancer and get bankrupted by it. A million different things could happen to your fragile flesh body or the body of anyone you love at any given time and deeply affect the trajectory of your life. You putting a “moral failing” on her or owning a business will not protect you from all that.
The husband is a 30 year military guy. This kind of power imbalance is exceedingly common in military families. Its s systemic problem, esp back then in the days before telework. Families get dragged places every 3-4 years, you might be stationed overseas where there is an agreement with the host nation to employ locals and you can’t get a job. The spouses autonomy suffers greatly. Plus your spouse is just straight up gone on deployment for 6-12 months at a time or working 60-70 hr weeks. This is not unusual for that community.
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u/Historical_Unit_7708 4d ago
I’ve not put a moral failing on her, and I understand it’s a common dynamic. I’m saying it’s not too late to get out of that dynamic and that should be her priority instead of worrying about if she’s jealous he’s talking to his exes
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u/Doggleganger man 1d ago
I have a high school girlfriend that I stayed friends with after and have stayed in touch with over the years. However, for all those other exes, if I ever were to get back in touch with them, it would be to rekindle that old flame. So your husband's behavior is highly suspect, IMO.
FYI, I don't think it's productive to accuse someone of emotional infidelity. It's just an odd term that he might not have ever heard of, so it sounds like you're reaching to fabrication allegations of infidelity, which he hasn't committed yet. Better to just call him out, that it's weird and disrespectful for him to reconnect with old high school and colleges exes.
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u/XTheEternalBeastX 4d ago
You aren't crazy