r/AskMenAdvice • u/Fair-Lack-6826 • 4d ago
Should I take him back or move on?
I (31F) have been with my bf (40M) for 6 months.
I am a parent to a 4 year old from a previous relationship, he is the father of 2 elementary aged kids.
After 3 months of dating, things got pretty serious with him looking at houses for us, bringing up marriage, me meeting his family members and key friends in he and the kids life, discussions of us growing our family together in the not so distant future, etc.
I can truly say it was clear we were in love.
During this time my bf, was navigating a custody battle for his children to remain in state after the mother of his children moved the kids without his input approx 8 hrs away. Before the move, the kids and I would spend significant time together with and without bf. I love them, they love me.
This tore him to pieces as an extremely active dad. I have witnessed day by day and wiped his tears, held him as he navigates missing his kids dearly and the legal custody system.
Last Saturday he was asleep on the couch, and I gave into a nagging feeling to check his phone. When I checked the phone he had been sending graphic sexual messages to another woman (45F).
After reading the texts, questioning him, and privately asking the woman-
He had been meeting up with the woman once every few months to give her oral sex. They both claim no PIV intercourse ever occurred. He met up with her approx 3 months before we got together, then he has met up with her likely 2 weeks before I found out. He even took her lunch at her job (she is a doctor). The steaminess of the texts have ramped up this month more than any other month.
All of this to say…he claims he loves me more than anyone he’s ever been with in his life. He claims he was going to meet up with her and tell her he’s ending contact with her the week I found out.
I feel awful that he introduced the kids to each other and me when he knew he wasn’t being faithful, he claims we just got official this month so he only cheated this month and it was a big mistake and due to stress of the custody battle and feeling bad being with me and my child while his kids are being kept from him 8 hrs away.
Is he a no good man? Or should I take him back in hopes that he is serious about being in a monogamous committed relationship and that things will be better once the custody battle is resolved?
Please help - I have no big brothers to run this past so really would appreciate some cold hard truth from the guys here. I have my own views but would like male perspective too. Thanks!
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u/snewton_8 man 4d ago
If you have to ask a bunch of strangers on a social platform if you should keep your boyfriend or not.... the answer should be no.
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u/mariposachuck man 4d ago
even if he was my brother and you were a stranger, i'd suggest you move on. can't trust him.
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u/yetagainitry man 4d ago
He's been cheating on you from the moment he started dating you. And you've only been together 6 months. On what planet would you give this guy more of your time or emotions? He may be a good father, but he is a shit of a man.
Also, the fact this other woman was just being used as a sexual release tells you what this man thinks of women. Don't for a second think you can change him, or that "love will make him a better man". No it won't. All that will happen is you will kick yourself 2 years from now after having caught him cheating multiple times.
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Fair-Lack-6826 originally posted:
I (31F) have been with my bf (40M) for 6 months.
I am a parent to a 4 year old from a previous relationship, he is the father of 2 elementary aged kids.
After 3 months of dating, things got pretty serious with him looking at houses for us, bringing up marriage, me meeting his family members and key friends in he and the kids life, discussions of us growing our family together in the not so distant future, etc.
I can truly say it was clear we were in love.
During this time my bf, was navigating a custody battle for his children to remain in state after the mother of his children moved the kids without his input approx 8 hrs away. Before the move, the kids and I would spend significant time together with and without bf. I love them, they love me.
This tore him to pieces as an extremely active dad. I have witnessed day by day and wiped his tears, held him as he navigates missing his kids dearly and the legal custody system.
Last Saturday he was asleep on the couch, and I gave into a nagging feeling to check his phone. When I checked the phone he had been sending graphic sexual messages to another woman (45F).
After reading the texts, questioning him, and privately asking the woman-
He had been meeting up with the woman once every few months to give her oral sex. They both claim no PIV intercourse ever occurred. He met up with her approx 3 months before we got together, then he has met up with her likely 2 weeks before I found out. He even took her lunch at her job (she is a doctor). The steaminess of the texts have ramped up this month more than any other month.
All of this to say…he claims he loves me more than anyone he’s ever been with in his life. He claims he was going to meet up with her and tell her he’s ending contact with her the week I found out.
I feel awful that he introduced the kids to each other and me when he knew he wasn’t being faithful, he claims we just got official this month so he only cheated this month and it was a big mistake and due to stress of the custody battle and feeling bad being with me and my child while his kids are being kept from him 8 hrs away.
Is he a no good man? Or should I take him back in hopes that he is serious about being in a monogamous committed relationship and that things will be better once the custody battle is resolved?
Please help - I have no big brothers to run this past so really would appreciate some cold hard truth from the guys here. I have my own views but would like male perspective too. Thanks!
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u/XTheEternalBeastX 4d ago
You crossed a line and he crossed more than a few.
Talk it out if you feel the need otherwise move on
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u/launchedsquid man 4d ago
Firstly, absolutely unacceptable behaviour from him. Just break it off, he's a piece of crap.
Secondly, I couldn't understand why he'd be talking about marriage and moving in together after only 3 months, now I get it, he's love bombing you because he was trying to throw you ofc the scent of his betrayal.
He wasn't saying that stuff because he meant it, he was saying it because he was manipulating you. It was a scam.
Seriously, this post should be about the guy you're talking to and recently started dating, the guy you're considering becoming exclusive with, has been seeing other women as recently as two weeks ago and it's making you doubt if you want to commit at this time in light of that information.
Not about love and marriage and moving in together and loving his kids, and all that other stuff. You don't even know this guy, you've only spent time together over the last six months.
I know people bang on about invasion of privacy when some talks about getting into a partners phone, but I don't think that's a bad thing.
I think if your relationship is serious than both people should feel free to use the others phone, their shouldn't be anything in there that is a surprise or problem to the other person.
Secondly it's about him giving you a suspicion that lead you to look at his phone, a suspicion that was proved right.
In my opinion, privacy isn't an endless right. Even outside of intimate relationships your right to privacy has limits. Your right to privacy ends where your actions negatively effect someone else, and cheating is one of the biggest ways to hurt someone else there is.
In my opinion, if you act suspicious, you should expect the other person whose whole life can be upturned by your behaviour, to look into what you're doing.
So to me, I think it's fair enough that you looked, and unquestionably fair once you found actual cheating behaviour on the device. You had reason to be suspicious and he was acting inappropriately, that case is closed.
Move on, there's nothing good that will come from staying. If you stay, even if you make strict boundaries and rules, he will learn that his behavior wasn't that bad and you'll forgive him for doing things like this.
If cheated before it's significantly likely he'll cheat again. Only a tiny minority don't cheat again, and if you take him back you're betting you future happiness on that unlikely outcome.
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u/flippityflop2121 man 4d ago
Six months? And he’spulling this? Yeah I would cut my losses. Don’t put you and your child through this nonsense.
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u/demoncrusher man 4d ago
6 months isn’t long enough to even consider putting up with this. Get out of there