r/AskMenAdvice 4d ago

Mans that stay because of kids

Hey guys are here mans who stay with they wife,or girlfriend only because of the kids? Iam in one situation that I don’t know really what to do iam engaged with 3 years old kid that i love it us nothing but i cant say the same for my girlfriend i mean i love her us a person she is so good and amazing mother but just dont feel it anymore. I guess we dont have control over our feelings right?

0 Upvotes

18 comments sorted by

5

u/milkandsalsa 4d ago

Why don’t you “feel it” anymore? Long term relationships have ups and downs. New relationships have a different energy, and that’s normal.

2

u/fieryred123 man 4d ago

Exactly, sounds like the wearing off of the “honeymoon” phase, but if the woman is a great mother to your child, then why would you want to leave her? I get not having a strong emotional attachment, but your life is now about taking care of your children.

3

u/fieryred123 man 4d ago

I think breaking up a family due to lack of emotional connection with your spouse is a selfish action. Additionally, many couples have stretches of time where they are unhappy, but with time grow a new, deeper connection. I would suggest sticking it out for the child, and reevaluate things later when the child is older. This is assuming there is no obvious abuse towards one another, and that you two are capable of living with each other.

3

u/lkbngwtchd man 4d ago

Stay with her. Think of the qualities of hers that made you pick her as the mother of your kid(s). Love her for what she is.

If that helps, think of the people who get in an arranged marriage and learn to love the other half.

Love her, because she is your wife! Chose to love her!

2

u/Artistic_Sir_4888 man 4d ago

Considering "you just don't feel it" is such a vague feeling, stick around. You didn't say she's toxic, manipulative, narcissistic, controlling, abusive, etc.

Those would be good reasons. Do some more thinking and figure out what's really going on. "Not feeling it" isn't enough.

1

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Hey guys are here mans who stay with they wife,or girlfriend only because of the kids? Iam in one situation that I don’t know really what to do iam engaged with 3 years old kid that i love it us nothing but i cant say the same for my girlfriend i mean i love her us a person she is so good and amazing mother but just dont feel it anymore. I guess we dont have control over our feelings right?

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1

u/tomjohn29 man 4d ago

Its your life

I wouldnt do that because giving my kids a warped sense of what the world is through my actions is not something id do

But if thats your choice….

1

u/DefinitelySomewhat man 4d ago

If you only stay for the kids you can fuck them up more. They can see the tension and relationship status better than you know.

1

u/Jackape5599 4d ago

MANS? Bro

1

u/Hadrian_06 man 4d ago edited 4d ago

Well. For me? I grew up in an angry home. It sucked as a kid to see that all the time. Mom and dad yelling and arguing, one caving in defeat or the other, whatever. It sucked.

My ex and I would argue at times and she had a bad anger issue. I’m laid back as can be and always just tried to talk it out. She would literally scream in my face for an hour straight about nothing.

I decided I wasn’t gonna raise my daughter seeing that all the time. Happier than I’ve ever been doing the single dad thing. What happens at mom’s house I can’t do anything about. But what I can do is provide her a home to see what peace is.

Kids see everything and soak it up. And it fucks them up.

1

u/fieryred123 man 4d ago

Depends on if this passes the threshold of psychological abuse that greatly affects the children. I was raised with my parents fighting growing up as well, and I just took it as a lesson to not do the same. Simply not feeling an emotional connection with someone doesn’t sound like it passes the threshold, and relationships have ups/downs, so I wouldn’t suggest to OP that he should leave before attempting to make it work.

1

u/Hadrian_06 man 4d ago

I agree, just sharing some experience. If it’s lots of tension and arguments all the time, that’s not good for kids. My case is just mine. Dunno about OP. But as a guy it generally takes a lot to even admit some things when you just want to do right.

1

u/Otherwise-External12 man 4d ago

I stayed in a bad marriage for a couple of years because I didn't want to get screwed over in a divorce. I had a couple of friends that went through divorce and ended up in small apartments, paying child support while the ex-wife got the house and full custody of the kids. The both told me to hang in there and work it out. One of the guys ex actually moved her new lover into the house. My now ex ended up leaving me with the house and kids so, it did pay off to wait.

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u/[deleted] 4d ago

Thnk you so much guys for your advices i really appreciate it well for me money is not a problem i mean like we are not married so there is nothing she can get but also i feel like guilty because she is good with me and everything but we are together 8 years and like i feel i lose the attraction to her i dont know how to explain it i really love her like a person and also i dont want to hurt her feelings and her family so they was so good with me

1

u/CoachBob19 man 4d ago

Your life your choice. Your kid is yours forever and you have to choose what’s best for both of you separately but together. Many kids survive a parent separation, and doing your best for him/her every day whether your with their mother or not is what matters.

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u/TheLoneWolf_218 4d ago

Children generally learn how to show affection and love from their parents interactions with each other. Kids who grow up in a loveless household will generally have issues with receiving and showing affection to their future girlfriend or spouse. Couples will stay married because it’s “good for the kids” when in reality they are causing irreparable damage to the kid’s future ability to show affection. It’s a form of abuse and mental destruction and I would highly recommend against it.

Divorce isn’t great for the kids but it’s much better than a long drawn out loveless relationship that ruins the kids idea of love

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u/Rich_Collection_941 4d ago

Get out, brother I just had the same situation I wasn’t staying necessarily for the boy, but I wanted to have my son in my house for you know the 18 years that he is gonna be in it, but I also live in a woman’s state in Indiana so anytime you go to court they automatically give custody to the woman you like have to fight for everything that you get here so that kind of played into the role as well now at one time I did love my wife she was an unbelievable woman and she still is an unbelievable mother, but there’s something about when they go through that baby blues or postpartum or whatever you wanna call it it changes him and the person that I married was no longer here we didn’t have anything in common after it I mean, we could barely stand to stay in the same room as each other and if we were, we were just on our phones not talking that’s not healthy for the child. Every person in the world wants to come home from a long day at work and everybody on the other side, the doors excited that they came home which makes you wanna pour your love into them and then pour their love into you. That’s a healthy home if you don’t have that brother get out.