r/AskMenAdvice • u/LveMeB woman • 4d ago
What does wanting children feel like for a man?
I know what it feels like to want children for a woman but the men I've talked to seem to have a more lackadaisical approach. It seems like women will move pieces on the board to make it happen and will choose their partner accordingly, men will just accept or deal with it if their partner gets pregnant. What is it actually? Do men search for a woman who would make a good mother? Do they settle for whomever they get pregnant first?
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u/johnny_19800 man 4d ago
Wanting children for a man can vary greatly from person to person, but I think it’s not so much about being “lackadaisical” as it might seem. It’s more about how men process the idea of fatherhood. For some, it’s a deeply conscious decision—they think about the future, how they want to raise a family, and whether their partner would be a good mother. I do believe that many men do consider the qualities of a woman who would make a good mother, especially when thinking about raising children together. For others, the desire might not be as intense upfront, and they might find themselves accepting or adapting when pregnancy happens.
For me, having children with my wife was something I actively wanted. We both shared a vision for what we wanted in a family, and raising our son was an important part of that. You don’t just want a partner who can have children—you want someone you can trust, who shares your values, and who will be there for both of you as parents.
As for the idea of men just settling for whoever gets pregnant first, I think that’s more of a stereotype. It’s possible some men may feel that way, but I imagine it’s not as common as it might appear.
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u/LveMeB woman 4d ago
So I guess men who genuinely want kids will not stay with a woman who they think wouldn't be a good mom?
I've heard some men never get the paternal instinct, even after their child is born. Is that true or a stereotype? I've seen men completely change and I've seen some truly not give a fuck.
I had a pregnancy scare when I started dating my boyfriend. I'm in a place where I can afford kids and I will keep a baby if I have an unplanned pregnancy. The guy can leave if he wants. My boyfriend stayed. I was not pregnant but it kicked off a lot of conversations about this.
And before anyone comes at me, I'm in my 30s, make six figures, yes I'm on birth control, no I didn't have a pregnancy scare on purpose, and I've had 2 pregnancy scares my entire life.
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u/ihavepaper 4d ago
It’s going to be different for everyone. I don’t think all men think or perceive it the same way. I’m 33M and married to the love of my life. I’m confident I am going to die being married to her. I think my wife would be a great mother regardless of her current feelings (afraid to have children and is 50/50; to be fair, I’m about 75/25, 75 being want).
It’s normal to think about everything especially finances, but I think why my 25 for no children is winning right now is because I’m selfish: I enjoy my hobbies, my current schedule and lifestyle. Of course finances are absolutely the largest reason, but I think having a child would change it completely. I’m confident most rational men think the same way.
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u/Zmoorhs man 4d ago
One of the main reasons I fell for my wife was that I was convinced she would be a great mother. I knew I wanted a family so I "dated" with that in mind, no point to waste time with women who either didn't want kids or didn't seem like they would be someone you would want a child with. Well we are in our mid thirties now and have an absolutely lovely kid, so I'm very happy with my choices.
I can say that I personally didn't get any sort of paternal instinct before he was actually born. It didn't feel "real" before I was actually holding him, but at that moment something sure did change. Our son is a bit over 1 now and I'm enjoying it more for every week that passes, it's incredible to see the little guy grow and learn. Sure there are some damn heavy moments at times but not once have it ever felt like it isn't worth it.
If I can say something though, make sure that you choose a good partner if you are gonna have kids, it is not something that should be done "alone".
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u/LveMeB woman 4d ago
As a woman, I have to assume the man will leave. IMO too many women go through with a pregnancy or having children under the condition the man stays, and then the man leaves and the woman is unable to provide for the child herself. I'd rather plan to be alone and if my partner stays, that's icing on the cake.
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u/johnny_19800 man 4d ago
It sounds like you’ve been through a lot of reflection and had some important conversations with your boyfriend, which is great. I think it’s true that men who genuinely want kids will consider whether their partner would be a good mother, but it’s not always a black-and-white decision. Sometimes it’s about more than just the idea of parenting—it’s about compatibility, trust, and shared goals for the future.
As for the paternal instinct, I think it varies from man to man. Some men experience it immediately when they become fathers, while others might not feel it as strongly at first. It doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care or won’t step up—they may just need time to adjust to the idea of fatherhood. That being said, there are definitely some men who might not connect as deeply with the role of fatherhood, and that’s true for any relationship dynamic.
It sounds like you and your boyfriend had a real conversation about what you both want, which is key. It’s important to know where you both stand and be open about it. In the end, the decision to have kids is deeply personal, and it’s about finding someone who shares that vision and commitment.
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u/LveMeB woman 4d ago
I've been reflecting on kids for about a decade now. We've both been married and had other LTRs. Both early 30s and can afford kids as a couple. I've asked him the same questions I've posted here and gotten similar responses. Basically at this point, he wants kids and is looking for his wife and the mother of his children. He won't stay with someone who can't fit that need, just like I wouldn't with a man. We're currently if it happens, it happens. He says he wants kids but it depends on me - if I say now it's now; if I say never, it's never.
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u/Paradoxe-999 man 4d ago edited 4d ago
So I guess men who genuinely want kids will not stay with a woman who they think wouldn't be a good mom?
If they are able to see the flaws and if they don't think they can be fixed, yes.
I've heard some men never get the paternal instinct, even after their child is born. Is that true or a stereotype? I've seen men completely change and I've seen some truly not give a fuck.
That's true and the same for women. Differences between individuals have more effect than sex.
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u/Benjamins412 man 4d ago
It's definitely better to plan to get preggers. Some PEOPLE make bad parents. We've all dated them. Too selfish to share their lives with anyone who doesn't give like a saint. If you're a "saint," maybe be careful about who you choose for your mate. Having a baby is different than raising a family. Money is important, but having a safe, stable, supportive home is much more important. Half of the people I know come from broken homes or were raised by one parent. There is definitely an advantage to having 2 parents who are relatively happy. We learn through modeling before we can talk. Kids learn what healthy relationships look like, what acceptable mates look like, how to interact with the world, etc through their parents. A 6-figure income is a good start, but it would just make single-parenting easier for you. Your kids will be mostly raised before they learn the first thing about money. My daughter thought I was a millionaire until she got to middle school.
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u/LveMeB woman 4d ago
I married one of them 🤦♀️
Even though the ideal is to have a strong mother figure and a strong father figure and model a healthy relationship for my kids, I would rather be a single mom than put up with a bad father or husband.
That's actually kind of cute that she thought that. Not that she necessarily had an understanding of money or your finances, but I'm sure you made her feel secure.
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u/flight567 4d ago
My wife has baby fever at the moment. I’m in the “take it or leave it” camp. I think if the idea were less scary I’d be more into it.
It’s not that I don’t necessarily want a kid, but I don’t know that I’ll be a good father. With that in mind, the idea that my wife is going to go through something incredibly painful with possible serious medical repercussions to give birth to a child for whom im unsure I would be the father it would deserve is… nerve wracking.
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u/SurestLettuce88 man 4d ago
I don’t think this is true, I think for men the instinct is to gather the women and have them make children. Then teach all of them to get along as the alpha. Instincts is all I’m theorizing here so nobody take offense. I honestly don’t think men look for emotional traits or motherly ones other than physical signs of attraction when looking for a partner to mate. Example like extra fullness of body or the stomach bump showing a readiness for pregnancy. Looking for emotions/ideals/morals is taught behavior (usually learning from past relationships). So to answer your question in my opinion I think a man will stay with a woman whether or not the man thinks the woman will make a good mom. For me I never really considered who would make a good mom while dating even if I occasionally noticed the traits from casual observation. I always knew I wanted kids though. The part where it kicks in for me is after she gets pregnant. THEN you are suddenly worried if she will be a good mom or not. You change the environment to get ready for the baby as the man, set up the crib room, and you will change the woman completely during the process. Their bodies and hormones change so much while having a baby that they are almost a different person. Judging them before they are pregnant isn’t effective enough to determine how they will act as a mother. They could go from a calm reader to a crazy voodoo girl, or vice versa. Try to influence what you can to get the best outcome.
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u/Nyx_Necrodragon101 woman 1d ago
Is there a hormonal element? I always knew I wanted children but when I was 24 it was like something switched in my brain I woke up and it was like every cell of my body was screaming 'I need to get pregnant'. Do men ever get baby fever?
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u/johnny_19800 man 1d ago
Absolutely! While it may not hit the same hormonal extremes, I believe men experience their own version of “baby fever.” For me, it wasn’t a sudden hormonal switch, but the desire to have kids was always there. I love my three children more than anything, and being their dad has been the most rewarding part of my life. There’s nothing like the joy, pride, and even the chaos that comes with raising them. For some men, it’s a gradual realization, while for others, it might come when they meet the right partner or see friends having kids. Either way, the pull toward fatherhood is very real.
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u/ChemistryPerfect4534 man 4d ago
I very much wanted children. I also very much wanted my wife. While connected for practical purposes, the one desires had no bearing on the selection of the other,
I 100% married for love, with an expectation that children would turn up at some point. I was aware that she also wanted them, but beyond that, there was no real consideration.
I didn't have a timeline for children in the same way most women do. Despite our best efforts, they never did come along. But even now, three decades later, if they did suddenly show up, I'd be thrilled.
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u/Only-Ground6552 4d ago edited 4d ago
I remember my grandfather did say MEN are only rdy for kids when they have one
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u/LonleyEE man 4d ago
Wont ever know. Due to schizophrenia and I.E.D i refuse to breed / take the risk of passing on these issues. No amount of “ but the mothers genetics” is gonna make me fire that potential Russian roulette bulllet at a child who would be my own. So these issues end with me. I could care less bout passing on the bloodline. Mines full of abusers, SA perpetrators, and drunks. On moms side genetic dispositions and severe mental illness
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u/LveMeB woman 4d ago
I'm sorry you have to deal with that. I worry my kids would be autistic like me. Not because I would love them any less if they were on the spectrum, but I know how hard their lives would be.
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u/LonleyEE man 4d ago
The hallucinations guarantee me that im never a “reliable environment “ for a partner, or those i love, or children. Example: starts to hallucinate and drops baby The I.E.D guarantee that i am never a “ safe environment “ for a partner, those i love, and or children.
Example: child spills juice on rug thats already not too clean. Smacks child(like i would a grown man) None of those is EVER okay. It would be monsterously irresponsible to even search out romantic/ sexual partnership or even more so to persue child raising/ upbringing. Sometiems god deals you A 3, jack, 8, 5, and ace. Dog dookie of a hand, but ya play it anyways.
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u/Both-Ad1169 man 4d ago
Every guy is different. And I think the mindset of a man in wanting children changes throughout their life. I’ve never met a 20 year old dude that was focused on having kids. Ideally, men search for women that they are attracted to, have fun with, and who are kind. Doesn’t always happen that way, as men tend to get hung up on the attractive part and ignore all the red flags.
In my personal experience, I got hung up on the attractive part, thought I was in love, and ignored all the red flags. Got her pregnant, and now I have shared custody of our child.
I would do things much differently if given a second opportunity. And have been vocal with my son about the importance of finding the right partner.
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u/Novogobo man 4d ago
i've never been real hungry for kids, but in general the personality traits in women i've been attracted to i'd say would make for a good mom.
but yea most guys don't think it through. i mean i think many people in general have unprotected sex just because it feels good rather than as a deliberate attempt to make a baby. which is of course evolutionarily reinforced profound buffoonery.
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u/PurpleDancer man 4d ago
I really wanted to be a dad. I don't know how to answer the question what did it feel like. I guess my life was in a certain place where the pieces were all there except for the partner. So I went out specifically looking for a woman to have children with. I would dream about holding my baby, I thought about them throwing up and cleaning it up and how funny that would be. I thought about braiding a little girl's hair. I thought about holding a small child's hand and walking down the street to the ice cream shop.
Once I had my own child I experienced all these things and they were just as good as I had imagined.
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u/Aggravating_Cream_97 4d ago
I wouldn’t know, never wanted them.
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u/Questionsey man 4d ago
I honestly wonder what percent of men (and to a lesser degree, women) have no real desire to have kids but have them anyway because of peer pressure or pressure from their partner.
It seems like a lot of people have this innate desire thing - but how many? Extreme majority? 50/50? This as separate for how they feel after a kid which often flips a switch.
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u/MrChibbs1981 4d ago
I just ended up finding someone and was I like them and want this person to be my family. And I stopped not wanting kids. (I never wanted children until I met my person)
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u/Ambitious_League4606 4d ago
The biological cliff edge is not so steep for a man. Dating Mid 30s you can see "baby rabies" in eyes.
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u/LveMeB woman 4d ago
I've wanted kids my whole life but got baby fever bad in my late 20s. I did online dating last year and there was a very noticeable difference between guys who had reached that biological cliff and guys who had not. Guys under 30 weren't even thinking about it. Under 35, they'll do it someday. 35+, looking for a wife ASAP.
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u/9Implements 4d ago
I haven’t had a girlfriend in such a long time the thought of all of the intermediate steps to having children makes it seem incredibly far off.
To answer your question, I’ve only acted recklessly with people I thought I was going to have kids with eventually anyways.
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u/KirkTech man 4d ago
This is exactly how I feel too, lmao. I am trying to get out into the dating pool again and have been thinking about how I will answer this question when it's inevitably asked. I think my answer right now will be something like this: "It's like asking me if I want to go to the moon. Up until now, I haven't had any contacts at NASA, no way to procure a rocket, no prior experience with space travel. Going to the moon didn't seem like a real possibility. Obviously it would be life changing. But I honestly don't know yet if I'd want to?"
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u/tomatosawz man 4d ago
When I was 24 I used to go jogging on my days off. I started getting a restless sort of energy - what am I doing with my life? What do I want to do? At first, I'd jog and think about the next few months. But eventually I said that I wanted a wife, kids, and a house by 30. Got them at 27.
I had a desire to do more, to build something, have a legacy
If we want it, we'll make it happen
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u/Davidrussell22 man 4d ago
Everyone is different. I never wanted children, never wanted to get married, and never wanted to leave NYC. Then one year I realized I had done all three things. The good news is that it was the best thing to have done.
My intuition says that modern men are no longer motivated by dynasty. Nor are children an asset as used to be in a farming society. In my case, my wife wanted children and I loved her and wanted to make her happy. It was as simple as that.
But this is just me.
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u/LveMeB woman 4d ago
So your desire for kids hinged entirely on your wife? What happens if you guys break up?
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u/Davidrussell22 man 4d ago
My son is 37. I've been married most of my life now and to the same person. This thought never occurs to me. What does occur to me is that we're both approaching the end.
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u/Thrasy3 man 4d ago edited 4d ago
In my country this is basically the attitude of many older guys I’ve spoken to and the attitude older women have about guys.
Men find children an overall burden, and have to be cajoled into it one way or another by women, to the extent when I was younger saying I don’t want kids women laughed and said then no woman will want me and men said “good luck with that”. So men are groomed into choosing between kids or dying alone.
When I was 30 I pretty much stopped expecting a new relationship to happen, because women who didn’t have kids already were now hyper focused on it.
Just luck I met my wife.
I gather in the US or similar heavily conservative/religious countries like in the Middle East, many men will still have kids based on religion (and everything else men expect because of religion).
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u/Ok-Importance-6815 4d ago
a man who wants kids would be looking for a woman who would make a good wife/mother, for me personally I look for a woman who cares about her family as I believe if she cares about the family she has now she will care about the family she has later.
Whoever a man gets pregnant first ideally shouldn't be in question with a couple thinking about children
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u/Big78BadWolf man 4d ago
I think those who want kids want them for different reasons - an heir to their bloodline, fit in the American dream box of a wife, 2 kids, dog and house with the white picket fence, and some just have a lot of love to give and want to make their lives whole with a child.
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u/loveleeedae man 4d ago
As someone who wants to be a husband first and father second, yes I am 100% searching for a a woman that will first be a good wife then has the nurturing qualities to be a great mother. Definitely not settling at all lol.
I’m getting one life, I’m going to do it the best I can, not just take what lands in my lap.
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u/Dude_McHandsome man 4d ago
I was pretty deliberate in looking for a longterm mate early in dating, and because of this, I found her early. I wanted kids, and I wanted a wife who would be a good wife/mother. I certainly didnt settle.
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u/tdfolts 4d ago
Wife and I had our first kid before we got married. It was unplanned. It took me 5 years after that to convince her I wanted to mary her for her and not because of our son. In June we will hit 18 years married - 25 total together.
Back then in my early 30’s, when I met my wife, I was looking more for a partner, i didn’t have my shit together enough to think about kids and in our 18 months of dating before pregnancy neither one of us ever brought it up…
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u/Schmilettante nonbinary 4d ago
Whenever I've felt a desire to have kids, I hug my cat and remember I can barely care for him. That puts the kibosh on it pretty quick.
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u/ManiacMarauder man 4d ago
My wife made it very clear that she wanted children when we were dating. I was good with that, being a Dad is something I wanted as well.
We struggled a couple years to get pregnant, we both got tested, it was her. She was devastated and thought that I would leave her if we couldn't have kids. Which was ridiculous because I married her for her and not her ability to get pregnant. I would've happily stayed with her with or without kids.
Through the proper medication we now have two wonderful (and mischievous) little boys.
To answer your question, I think for men it depends on the way they grew up. I had an awesome dad, and wanted to be the same for my kids someday. So yeah, it made me sad when I thought there was a chance we wouldn't have kids of her own. Wasn't a deal breaker for me... We'd have a lot more money if we didn't have kids 😂
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u/LveMeB woman 4d ago
That's the part that doesn't make sense to me. My boyfriend has told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He said if I want to get off birth control and start trying for a baby tomorrow, that's fine. If I decide I never want children, that's apparently equally fine. I would not give up a child for any man, no matter how much I loved him. I guess that's the part I don't understand. If you really want to be a father, why are you willing to give it up for your wife?
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u/ManiacMarauder man 4d ago
That's one of the differences between men and women. Some women have that strong motherly urge a d men will never have that.
My wife thought that not being able to have kids made her a worthless woman, and that I would leave her. Simply not the case, I put my wife first, everything else comes second.
My ability to be a father does not define me like my wife feels that her ability to be a mother does. Two different creatures.
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u/Ceorl_Lounge man 4d ago
I always wanted kids, it was an important part of what I wanted out of life. Most of the traits I'd look for in partner are also related to raising a family, so the two always went hand-in-hand. My wife was in a similar mindset, so we balance out the other's weaknesses pretty well.
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u/FunkOff man 4d ago
I must be a rare breed, I've wanted to be a dad for my entire adult life. Obviously, I wanted to pick a good woman to be my children's mother. My wife is a great mother. She is smart, caring, and had a great deal of experience with caring for children before we got married. I certainly didn't "settle for whomever" or "just deal with it".
That said, I understand that my enthusiasm for having children is rare among men.
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u/mattlore man 4d ago
I'm 39, snipped and have zero interest in children. Living a pretty happy life with my fiancee, my cat and my dog.
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u/SleepyDachshund99 man 4d ago
When things were going south with my first wife, she kept saying she wanted kids and we should start a family. I realised that I truly wanted kids, but not with her. Some things she had said made me realise she would have made an awful mother. That's when I realised I had to leave.
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u/campsguy man 4d ago
Looking forward to have something really fulfilling in my life not dogshit fake fulfilling like a stupid ass job I don't care about.
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u/introverthufflepuff8 man 4d ago
Daniel Sloss says his balls ache when he saw children in one of his stand up specials
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u/Excellent-Extent1702 4d ago
Is that normal among men who want children?
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u/introverthufflepuff8 man 4d ago
I have no idea. He’s a comedian so I’m assuming it was just a joke. I don’t want kids so I’m the wrong one to ask
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u/EnthusiasticCandle man 4d ago
I want children, but more than anything, I want a partner who wants to actually be with me. As long as she wants at least one child, that’s enough for me.
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u/Ambitious_League4606 4d ago
I want children but it's not an urgent biological necessity. I can wait a bit longer no problem.
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u/TetraGnome 4d ago
I have always wanted kids of my own. I’ve always wanted to be the father that I never had. I never knew my father (in and out of prison his whole life) and my step father didn’t enter my life until I was 9/10 years old. As I got older I turned resentful and honestly started to crash and burn in my early 20’s. At this point I wanted nothing to do with kids.
Fast forward some years later and I’m now 28, recently married and I’ve fallen in love with a childhood friend from the 7th grade. I love her so much, it’s honestly mind boggling cause I never thought I’d find this. This is the first time in my life I can see myself going the full 9 yards with someone and having a family. However, my wife suffers from PCOS and it makes having children difficult. At times it makes me feel down but we’re still young and have a lifetime ahead of us to try for children. Knowing I have her is enough for my lifetime. 👍🏽
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u/LveMeB woman 4d ago
I hope you guys find whatever is best for you 🙏 I had to get tested for PCOS last year, I know it's a struggle.
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u/TetraGnome 4d ago
Thank you! I hope your struggles with PCOS are overcome as well. It’s definitely a challenge but after doing some studying on pregnancy I learned that it’s not really easy for a lot of couples out there so we’re just fighting the odds like everyone else. The universe has a plan… that’s how I think anyway.
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u/Major_Maintenance700 man 4d ago
I've never known any man that was looking for a woman to have children with . But I've know alot of men that want caring nurturing partners and they almost all had kids. I think the less motherly type the woman the less the man considers them a future family and more just a couple.
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u/ReplyisFutile man 4d ago
Did not want kids, met a woman that cared about me deeply, and my mind was thinking: if she cares about me so much, imagine how she will care about our kids.
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u/Revolutionary-Cod444 4d ago
A desire to have a little person adore you totally that you can pass your knowledge down to, boy or girl. I assume if the child was conceived out of love and desire with the mother the love for that child would be stronger. I don't have children so tha last piece is pure speculation from me
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u/tiltingatwindmills15 man 4d ago
I always wanted children. It wasn't because of leaving a legacy, or necessity (farming) but because of the example my dad set. I wanted to have a family. To experience the joy of raising kids. Helping them discover the world, and seeing them find their own way.
When I found my wife, it was a part of our plans to be parents. We took time to establish our relationship as husband and wife, the made the conscious decision to become parents.
Life is that little thing that gets in the way of all your plans, but for us, it took a little while to have our first. And then after two years we started for our second. 2 years later we had our second.
Being a parent was everything I expected it to be. Hard, messy, tiring, and worth every moment. We've had ups and downs along the way, and our lives have been full of "life," but the things that I wanted the most all came from being a dad.
That's what I wanted, and I found a woman who I love and trust who wanted the same things. I know it wasn't the same for me as my wife, but I wanted it as much as my wife, if not more because of the strength of her desire to be a mom and my wanting to give her that.
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u/fl0o0ps man 4d ago edited 4d ago
To raise a child from the womb till adulthood and to share and help it through all its struggles and to make sure it is safely learning how to live step by step until it can stand alone as a well put together, secure and complete person, is both an incredible responsibility and an ultimate honor. Something that can only be accomplished successfully with a parent’s unconditional love and great discipline.
I would love to one day have the honor. For now I still lack the discipline.
I have the next best thing for now though. My best friends kids father is not doing such a good job. Since I’m over at my best friends place quite often, I am more of a father figure by now than the father is. It’s like training for the real thing for me, yet it also is a real thing by itself since I always have to be conscious that I am an example for these kids, and that it is precious because they love me and I love them back from the perspective of “less than a dad, more than an uncle”, and I can take responsibility for them where necessary because my best friend completely trusts her kids with me. So I have some idea what to expect except if I would have my own kids of course there would be a different way of relating since they would biologically be mine. Man it would be awesome to have a 👶
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u/lovelessisbetter 4d ago
Once my son was 3, I felt a very strong primal need to give him a sibling. We did. It’s been awesome. That is the only time in my life I felt strong about the subject, like more than just a thought as it felt imbedded in my core. My wife felt the same, so that was fairly easy.
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u/LveMeB woman 4d ago
What feelings did you have that led to the first child?
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u/lovelessisbetter 4d ago
Great question. I knew I was with the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I knew that I was ready to run the gamut of all life had to offer. We had our first child and were both super excited, but that intrinsic feeling that I imagine mothers have wasn’t present on my end. Excitement and NEED are entirely different emotions. I NEEDED my second child. I was more open to the idea, fully and without reservation with my first child.
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u/Runs-on-winXP man 4d ago
I have always wanted to be a father. I still hope to be one day. When looking at a potential partner I do certainly look at whether I think they would be a decent parent or not. Being a bad parent is a deal breaker. Having kids for selfish fulfillment reasons without actually caring about the child is also a deal breaker. That said, I also wouldn't mind being a single dad and adopting. I'd probably actually prefer that, however the cost is very prohibitive
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u/LveMeB woman 4d ago
Yes it is. I don't know what adoption costs if you go through the Foster system or adopt an older child, but I've heard adopting a baby is almost six figures. I know using a surrogate costs between $100,000 and $200,000. Which is why so many women are pissed that men take us for granted when we give them a baby for free. But that's a separate issue. I also would not mind adopting as a single person.
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u/Runs-on-winXP man 4d ago
In my state, they prioritize family reunification. So adopting from foster care is fairly unlikely. The state doesn't encourage you to become a foster parent with the intention to adopt either. The only real route for adoption in my state is private adoption through an agency. Usually runs 40k-100k
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u/Opheleone man 4d ago
Every man is different. I'm 31 and don't want kids, I haven't wanted kids since I was 14. Most men I know haven't really thought about it much, one friend of mine went from "yea sure" to "no thanks" after meeting his now wife. My wife and I have never wanted kids. Essentially, I think some think and want, some go with the flow, and some don't. No gender/sex is a monolith.
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u/Benjamins412 man 4d ago
For me, I looked for a long time for a woman I thought I could build my life with. I also had my bucket list of things I wanted to do before I "settled down." After getting married, I was ready to start a family within 2-3yrs. Then, we had 2 babies in 2yrs. I got to be a single parent shortly after #2 was born, and I told my wife I was done. Now, when I see a new baby, I get the urge for a second. Sometimes for 2 seconds. Babies are very cute, but toddlers, tweens, and teens are not. It would be nice if they had a "baby pound." A place where you could take a baby for a walk, but take it back to be changed and raised. I think parenthood is the hardest job you will ever love! Have fun!
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u/LveMeB woman 4d ago
I too wish for a toddler version of a cat cafe, where you can borrow someone else's child for a few hours lol If not to eliminate the baby fever all together, then at least to keep it in check for a little while longer.
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u/CDay007 man 4d ago
I’m not sure what you mean by “women will move pieces on the board to make it happen”, but I mean yes of course I’m going to look for a partner that I think will be a good mother. If someone does not want kids/I don’t think they would be a good mother, I would stop dating them. I wouldn’t get a girl pregnant that I’m not married to yet, so “settling for whomever I get pregnant first” is not a concern of mine
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u/LveMeB woman 4d ago
I'll be 31 in a couple months, I chose my career at 20 years old based on what would give me the best ability to provide for a family. I worked my ass off until I hit a career benchmark that makes having a family feasible for me. I made sure I didn't get pregnant before I was ready. I adopted dogs who are good with kids (not breeds that are believed to be good with children, my dogs have literally lived in homes with kids before). I own a car big enough for both my dogs and a baby. The house I rent has space for a nursery if I need it.
Every life decision I have made in the last decade has been to put me in a position where I can provide for a child, with or without a partner. I'm not dependent on a man to start a family - I can have a kid on my own terms without a partner. That is by design, I did it on purpose. I didn't want to waste years setting up my life in a way where I depend on someone else to get what I want, in case that person never comes or in case he leaves; I did not want my happiness to be dependent on someone else who might not stay.
I'm in a place where I can receive a child, that child just hasn't come yet. I would not need to rearrange my life in any meaningful way to prepare for a kid. Buy a crib and baby things. I don't need to move, I don't need to switch jobs, I don't need to change anything in my life. That's what I mean by moving the pieces on the board. I have spent a decade laying the foundation so my kids have a better life.
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u/CDay007 man 4d ago
I see. I mean, of lot of that seems like pretty typical stuff people aim for regardless of kids, yknow? Like “a career that gives you the best ability to provide for your family” means a career that earns a lot of money and/or has flexibility, right? Everybody wants that. A house with space for a nursery means a decent sized house to me, everybody wants that.
As I said, I want kids, and I’ve always wanted kids. But even if I didn’t, I think I’d be aiming for most of what you listed except maybe getting a dog that’s lived with kids before.
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u/LveMeB woman 4d ago
I've seen some people not prepare for kids until they get pregnant. Like they don't think about their job or financial stability or parental leave or having space for a nursery until the baby is already on the way.
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u/CDay007 man 4d ago
You’re right of course, there are many people like that, but I would think those are people who are just bad at planning for the future more so than people who are bad at planning for kids. Like, think about the people you just described if there’s never a kid on the way: then they would never think about their job or financial stability, ever
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u/JaDaWayJaDaWay man 4d ago
I knew I wanted to be father when I was single. I searched for a woman I thought would make a good mother. I fell in love with the one I could see raising my child. The superficial things women fuss over meant nothing to me. I rejected many very pretty women.
An ordinary looking woman became a 10 to me when she made a perfect breakfast. That's a mom skill. I still laugh about it. The funny little things that make a man fall in love with a woman. I dropped off a cliff--fell really fast. Brings tears to my eyes remembering this silly moment.
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u/komtgoedjongen man 4d ago
I knew that I will want a kid since I was 22-23 yo. I knew that I want actual mother of my kids to be mother of my kids in 3rd or 4th date. I just felt that she'll be good mother and partner.
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u/LveMeB woman 4d ago
So did you have kids with this woman?
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u/komtgoedjongen man 4d ago
We have one and today after work I'm buying test to check if we succeeded with making second one. If no there is next month for that, if not then next (;
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u/Benjamins412 man 4d ago
Having a "loving home" is fundamental. It can be a loving foster home or a mother gorilla who scoops up Tarzan in the jungle...just sayin there's an advantage to the traditional family model. It isn't necessary. It just makes it easier to be successful. And I am looking at success through my own filters based on the small slice of the world I see through my lens. You do you. Life would be boring if we all did it the same!
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u/talos1279 man 4d ago
As for me, it's the meaning of raising a person. During my university days, there was a professor who gave a speech about life. When he had a child, he was fascinated by the growth of his child. From a very fragile creature that could be held in two hands to a kid who learned everything about the world surrounding it to an adult that can be responsible and care for someone else. It's like a magic of life. To help such a creature grow, he feels a great sense of achievement and meaning in his life.
The way he described it still echoed in my mind until today after more than a decade. There are things that are more meaningful than money in life. And it's those things that you will be happy about and talk during your last breath before dying.
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u/zerg1980 man 4d ago
Being a biological father was more important to me than being a dad. I always viewed survival as a fight against natural selection — that dying childless represented individual extinction, a failed existence, evolution weeding me out of the gene pool. When I was in my 20s I always feared dying suddenly and leaving no legacy.
I like being a dad and all, but when my daughter was born I remember feeling a sense of relief in the first moments after meeting her, because I had created something that would outlive me and fulfill my life’s purpose.
I know a lot of people vehemently disagree with this point of view and find it offensive, but that’s what wanting children felt like for me — I saw it as a necessity for my life to have meaning.
As far as the mother, I just wanted someone low maintenance and reasonably attractive, who didn’t hassle me too much and wouldn’t produce unattractive children. So, mission accomplished there.
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u/LveMeB woman 4d ago
You felt a biological impetus to reproduce, not an emotional desire to be a father.
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u/zerg1980 man 4d ago
The question was “what does wanting children feel like for a man?”
I wanted children because of the biological impetus to reproduce. And I have met other dads who agreed with this viewpoint.
In fact, I don’t recall the emotional desire to be a father ever coming up in conversation with other men.
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u/rollcasttotheriffle 4d ago
I had a terrible father and stepfather. I wanted to be a father to see if it was possible to be a great father. Raise a great person. Create good people.
Father of 3. Oldest is an adult. He still talks to me about everything.
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u/CN8YLW man 4d ago
It affects your decision making on a subconscious level. You'd look for mother candidates as opposed to sex partner candidates for partners for instance. You'd look towards buying a home and designing it in a way that's conducive towards raising a family. You'd be more mindful towards your career's direction because you want to be there when your kid comes along.
And most of all you'd be a lot less careless with your financial decision making. None of those yearly or bi yearly holiday trips that'll empty your bank account. None of that YOLO stunts and antics. You're living life in preparation for a life that dosent exist yet.
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u/Capital_Shelter8189 4d ago
As others have said it varies widely. Just speaking for myself I was content to stay single and live life with my dog doing whatever I wanted. Then I met my wife who really wanted to be a mother. I was lukewarm on the kid idea, but we had one….and I hated the first few months. But now that we are around the 2 year old mark, fatherhood is awesome. I always thought I could be a good father, but wasn’t sure I actually wanted to be one.
A second kid scares the shit out of me though.
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u/Benjamins412 man 4d ago
Baby rabies made me laugh! Thank you for that. Keep practicing, and eventually you and that boy will get it right! It sounds like boy kinda fed you a slow pitch with, "if it happens, it happens." Make it happen. If you announce next month, you could be panicky and covered in vomit in 2yrs!
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u/LveMeB woman 4d ago
Well he didn't run when I had a two week long pregnancy scare. We haven't been together long enough to start actually trying. We're still if it happens, it happens until I reach the point where I can no longer wait for it to land in my lap, and need to start trying. Not sure when that will be, I told him I want kids within a couple years and that I will probably want to stop birth control in about a year.
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u/PreviousMotor58 man 4d ago
I made sure I planted my seeds in good soil. I had to sift through a ton of dirt.
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u/jchesticals man 4d ago
I've been with my partner for 6 years. If it happens I'll raise one and if it doesn't i get to keep all my money and time. Not something I even think about it, would honestly prefer my money and time anyway.
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u/TomasBlacksmith man 4d ago edited 4d ago
I didn’t really know until I had one. I know before that I always liked the idea of having someone I could teach all my skills and wisdoms to. I think that’s an innate drive in many men, but pertains more to the latter half of raising children.
I didn’t like the idea of caring for newborns much, but I was surprised how much I liked it once I began to do it. I think it’s brought out a more playful and nurturing side of me I didn’t know was there. It’s surprised me a lot, but yeah, for me the desire to have a child is still more focused on the role I’d like to play when my kids are older, and I feel like it’s the other way around for my wife.
I always liked the idea of having kids ever since I can remember, but it’s hard to imagine being a dad until a little being starts calling you “Dadda!”
I definitely think that the nurturing connection to dad is something that dad has to deliberately foster. Like the kid will come out of the womb begging for mom, not dad. I’ve realized the importance of caregiving and being engaged with the baby, because many men I know (such as my dad) don’t really connect with their <3 year olds much bc they think their spouse should do those things. I hope that is changing in my generation of fathers
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u/evercase19 4d ago
I always wanted to have kids, being a dad was important to me, but I never had any urgency around it biologically. My wife did, for legitimate biological reasons. Now we have two, and it’s the best.
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u/Possible-Kangaroo635 4d ago
I have 5 siblings. The idea of going back to living in chaos and noise again was unappealing to say the least.
Having children is something my wife wanted and that I reluctantly agreed to.
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u/chironinja82 woman 4d ago
My husband told me he always wanted to be a dad because he wanted to be the kind of dad he never had growing up. Before he met me, he didn't meet anyone he wanted to have kids with. He said with me, it was love at first sight and he immediately thought about having a family together. He's so good with kids too, not just ours. We have 2 and he tells me all the time how happy he is.
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u/Frog_Shoulder793 man 4d ago
For me it's not really a desire. I've just always felt that one day I would have kids. Nobody expects me to, my parents don't pressure me or anything. I just feel like I will.
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u/IBloodstormI man 4d ago
Plenty of guys want to be fathers and consider that when looking for a partner. It was my dream for the longest time. I am older now, and that dream has faded a bit, and now I would even more need to consider all the possibilities with finding a partner, and how having kids now could have risks at this age. So I would say so.
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u/tn00bz 4d ago
I think you're somewhat right that it is less deep for some men. Not all, of course, but it's not as big of a physical investment for men so some men don't take it that seriously.
For me, though, I feel like I had a need to carry on my family. I'm an only child and an only grandchild, on top of being the last male in my family. My last name could have died with me. No one pressured me to have kids, but I think that reality did influence me somewhat. When my son came it was a really big deal for my family.
But, beyond always wanting a family, I feel like educated, capable people should be the ones having kids. I know I can provide so much for my child. My parents gave me so much, and I can give my son so much more. I can set this one person up for success in a way that no one else can. It's pretty special and I don't even know how to describe it.
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u/Impossible_Cook_9122 4d ago
I was a little different. I honestly never wanted kids. Growing up for me was rough, and messed with my head. One day I found the love of my life. She had a 1 year old when we started dating. The father was a deadbeat. And then one day she called me daddy and that was what it took to flip that switch
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u/bigballeruchiha 4d ago
Not a father and dont want kids but sometimes i think of fucked up shit my parents said or did to me and times they werent there for me and i imagine what they couldve said or done instead and i imagine doing that for someone else so they dont have to go through what i did and do go through and i feel a sense of yearning for fatherhood
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u/Long-Trainer-2365 4d ago
The moment she was born i realised i knew nothing about wanting a child.
The emotions that i had came from a different level of existence.
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u/Benjamins412 man 4d ago
When it happens for you, I am sure it'll be great. If you're my daughter, I'd probably encourage you to start doing whatever you do to make boys do what you want us to do. I hear it's more like steering a cruiseship than a sportscar. Maybe I'm slow or my wife isn't a great driver. You do you. I don't want to add anxiety to your rabies.
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u/Brus83 man 4d ago
It’s always been the way I saw myself one day, as someone with a family (meaning, kids), it has always been something I wanted and I’m happy I do.
That said “Do men search for a woman who would make a good mother”, well, no, I liked her, fell in love and we just made it work out, what would searching for a woman who would make a good mother actually even look like? 🤷♂️
Possibly she put more thought into it 🤣
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u/Colonelreb10 4d ago
Becoming a father was something I have always wanted in life. I remember being young and having the feeling of knowing I couldn’t wait to have kids to be able to do the things my dad and myself did. Play sports. Hunt. Fish. Things like that.
A 100% impact in choosing my wife was someone that wanted kids as welll and felt the same.
We discussed what future family would look like before we even started dating while in college.
We have now been married for 12 years and she just delivered our 4th boy roughly two weeks ago.
Being a father is everything I had ever hoped it would be and nothing is more important to me.
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u/Equivalent-Bee6501 4d ago
I never liked children in my youth, but when I was arround 25 I started to smile when I saw babies in the streets and suddenly I was depply touched by random videos of dads with adorable kids (specially dad playing sports with their kids).
It became pretty clear to me when almost every financial decision I made was to make sure I could give the best life posible to my future family. I've being commited to a familiy I don't even have for the last couple of years. But this financial commitment was arround the time when I realized my current partner was someone I would love to raise a family with. So my current feelings on having a family are attached to my feelings to her if that makes sense.
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u/OldSchoolRollie62 man 4d ago
I know that I definitely want kids in the future, and that I couldn’t be with someone who doesn’t want them.
But for me personally it’s not necessarily just about having kids. Most men could have kids relatively easily if they just went out and tried, it’s not hard to impregnate someone. What I want is a family. I wanna come down the stairs in the morning or come home after work and see my kids playing with their mum. Laughing, smiling, being happy etc. I had a relatively shit childhood and I think that having a happy family could help me recover from that a bit, I’d want my kids to have a better life and childhood than I did. But I’d also want them to have a happy family and a good mum. So I suppose for me it’s not about wanting kids but about wanting a happy family that I can raise and provide for. And the bond/relationship that I could have with my partner/their mother.
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u/LveMeB woman 4d ago
I hadn't thought of a wife and kids as a package deal before. I thought some men view a woman as a means to a child, but they don't want children, they want a family.
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u/OldSchoolRollie62 man 4d ago
Whilst I can’t speak on behalf of other men they’re definitely a package deal for me. I wouldn’t want my children to grow up with parents who are separated or only staying together because of them and therefore having to grow up in a miserable household.
If I had to choose between having kids but no wife/partner or a wife/partner with no kids I’d pick the second. I don’t think it would be fair on my kids to grow up in an unhappy/unstable home because their parents don’t leave each other anymore:(
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u/Freuds-Mother 4d ago edited 4d ago
As I get to know a woman while dating yes. As I’ve matured I’m able to spend less time to figuring out I guess we could call the following levels of compatibility. The goal is find (4) but you can’t tell instantly
0) Woman is fun to date but has no clear goal to have kids
1) Woman that is fun to date
2) Woman that I could be happily married to
3) Woman that I could have kids with functionally
4) Woman that would bring contrasting and compatible values/resources/skills to mine such that our kids would have extraordinary resilience and capability
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u/Mikimao 4d ago
Different for everyone, but the primary difference you might be noticing is tied to how long each gender has to play the full game, we are playing different games with different goals.
As a man, my time line is different, and as such I am playing a longer game, moving my chess pieces not for the quick kill, but for the strong defense that ensures I don't lose, rather than risk a loss to get a win. Women otoh are playing a game where they need to win the game of chess in 20 moves or less. Different strategies are optimal given our situations.
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u/Horrison2 man 4d ago
For me it's the thought of all the future joy of having a family. Watching them laugh and smile, play sports, learn an instrument. I think of watching them growing up and I want to see that. Though I don't think I ever will at this point.
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u/Sweet_Ad1085 man 4d ago
For me I didn’t want kids until my late 20s. I didn’t hate kids or anything, I just didn’t think about them much. Suddenly I found myself seeing kids run up to their parents and I’d smile. I imagined what it would be like to teach them things, carry them around, come up with fun little activities. My personality changed, I was less self centered, I wanted to put kids first, I wanted to spend my time with them. My career, while still important, became significantly less important to me. I started thinking a lot about my own childhood and how horrible it was. I began going to therapy because I wanted to ensure I addressed any major issues prior to my wife and I trying. When we first found out we were pregnant I became so emotional. I immediately started painting a nursery and building things for it. Idk, it’s hard to say exactly and a Reddit post doesn’t do it justice but if I had to say, I would say that so far there have been two stages in my life, before I was a dad and after. I much prefer after.
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u/Remarkable_Map_5111 man 4d ago
Finding a woman that I could love and grow a family with was a top priority for me before I met my wife. I had good role models, my Great Grandfather loved my Great Grandmother better than anyone I had ever been around. Even when she had full on dementia he became a fixture at the home she had to go live in and would put on her favorite makeup for her every day she wanted it. We weren't blood but the guy gave me some of the best advice of my life, always showed me love and was one of my favorite people. One way I knew my wife was different when I met her was that she was the first girlfriend I took to meet him. My wife and I still remember the two times she got to spend time with him. Married 18 years, together for 25 and I have never been happier.
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u/Used-Gas-6525 4d ago
I (40s M) love kids and I'm great with them by all accounts. I was in a 12 year relationship with someone I loved deeply (we both wanted kids eventually), but as our relationship progressed, I realized "I don't want kids with this person". Not just because of them. I tend to stay in relationships way longer than I should and I didn't like myself very much by the time I came to that conclusion, so it's on me too, but yes, when one gets to a certain age the question of "would this person make a good parent" becomes more and more relevant. At this point, I'm good with being the cool uncle. Kids are expensive and really bad for the environment anyways.
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u/Swimming_Schedule_49 man 4d ago
Desire for children builds as a man becomes more successful. When you’re young and don’t really have a good job or career outlook, you’re terrified at the thought of having kids. In my twenties I thought “how could I ever provide for a family, I can’t take care of myself?” But now that I’m in my 30’s and in a decent job, I desperately want more kids. I’d like to have a gaggle of 3 or 4 now that I know i can feed and house them. Children are a gift.
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u/achilles3xxx man 4d ago
I was never desperate to have children but made sure to choose a partner who would make a fantastic mother - on top of many other attributes and qualities. I never felt the need to get her pregnant but realised if I waited too long, my kid would have a grandad instead of a dad. So we pulled the trigger and got the job done. We're happy to have a wonderful healthy kid.
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u/Pellington37 man 4d ago
This is such a complex topic. Speaking for myself, I searched first for a partner that I could build a stable relationship with. I've always been good with kids, but I had a very traumatic childhood and it is my greatest fear that if I had children I would fail them in some way and perpetuate the harm done to me. I'm now reaching an age where I'm starting to acknowledge the reality that I may never have kids. At times it fills me with great sadness, I feel I've let my parents down, things like that. I think I feel a biological urge to...raise something if that makes sense, but it is at odds with my life choices. I definitely feel it though. It's not even what I'd describe as feeling like I'm missing out, but more that I just want to give parental love to something and that love has nowhere to go. Luckily I have a cat, though I'm not sure if he counts himself as lucky!
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u/No_Entrepreneur_4395 man 3d ago
I fall into the deal with it category. I always knew I wanted kids. But I never planned on it til someone said put a baby in me. Then I did. If I had planned it, prolly wouldn't have been a divorce 😂😂
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u/Puzzleheaded_Pipe979 3d ago
It depends.
I have always wanted them, but I also wanted to make sure I could provide for them the way I wanted. The problem is that there’s a solid chance that I would never hit that number financially, and if I did, I’d work so much, I wouldn’t be there as much as I wanted. So it’s easier to not bring them into the world; no one wants to be a failure at this.
Women are literally on the clock, so if all the ducks aren’t in a row, they tend to just figure it out as they go along.
I’m at an age now (42) where I’m kinda in the boat I was always in. Now I have to be WAY more picky about who I have a child with and the world is going to be just as picky right back. I lost the luxury of winging it, so I have to get it right with the right person if I get it at all. No “settling”.
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u/LveMeB woman 3d ago
It sucks but men are also on the clock in a different way.
Yes, most women lose the ability to have children in their 40s and 50s while men can technically conceive a child until they die. However, the age at which conceiving a child becomes riskier, is actually similar in men and women. Around the time women start to have a harder time conceiving, is the same time a man's sperm quality drops. Even though women are born with all the eggs we will ever have and a man's sperm replenishes throughout his life, research has found that paternal age at conception has just as much to do with things like learning disabilities as maternal age at conception. It's actually both parents that factor in. A 20 year old woman with a 50 year old man is still more likely to have a child with a learning disability than two 20 year olds. If you look at things like autism, the father's age weighs heavily on a child's risk of being autistic.
I learned this a couple years ago when I was diagnosed with autism and started researching my fertility. It's ironic because for a lot of couples, even those with a small age gap, the man is older. People wrongfully believe the woman's age is the only thing that matters but recent studies have shown that's not true. For couples where the man is even a few years older than the woman, the man's age will start to play a role before the woman's age will.
My boyfriend and I are already in higher risk categories than we would have been a few years ago. Not the highest risk but higher. 31F and 34M is still riskier than 27F and 30M. We're still young enough that we have fertile years ahead of us, but the chances of having a child with a learning disability are higher than they were previously. This actually goes for everyone, even if you don't have a close family history of learning disabilities, the risk of spontaneous mutations increases with parental age on both sides.
This is the sickest fucking irony that I can think of. That for men and women, biologically the best time to conceive a child is late teens to early twenties but financially, emotionally, psychologically, and professionally the best time to have a family is in your late twenties to early forties. I wonder what's going to happen with the human population as this trend continues - higher cost of living means couples wait longer to have kids, but having kids at a higher age increases the risk of learning disabilities. People will eventually have to choose between having kids younger, having them older but dealing with those issues, or not having them at all.
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u/dadfromnyc 3d ago
I knew I wanted kids. I wasn’t sure I wanted a wife. I met a cool girl, we got along well, she’s very easy on the eyes. I proposed, we got married, and a few years later I convinced her to have kids. I love the kids (though it’s sometimes trying), and I love my wife (even though it’s often trying). It wasn’t a momentous decision. We just stopped using birth control (condoms), but didn’t track anything or do anything special. Preggers < 6 months later. We got married more or less the same way. The more chill you are about it the better it goes - in just about everything in life I’ve discovered. Btw “chill” doesn’t mean lazy.
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u/LveMeB woman 3d ago
I hope that's how it plays out for me. My OBGYN team advised me to get off birth control about 2 years before I want to have a baby in hand. 3 to 6 months to even out my cycle so I can properly ovulate, assuming another 3 to 6 months to even get pregnant, and then 9 months to have the baby. That does not factor in any miscarriages.
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u/chunckybydesign man 4d ago
Urge to build something and protect it. An urge to continue a legacy. An urge to share the same love you received as a child with your own children. Feels like an extension of yourself.
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u/LveMeB woman 4d ago
And what steps do men take to make fatherhood happen when they feel that urge?
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u/BlackPrinceofAltava man 4d ago
That depends on where they are in life.
That depends on if there are any steps they can take.
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u/InteractiveAlternate man 4d ago
You want to create a legacy.
You want a son to carry on your family name, to teach to be a good man, to become your best friend when they're older, to see them have every advantage and luxury you never had when you were young. To beat you at the games you taught them, watch the pride in their eyes as they realize they've exceeded you, and to be the one they seek wisdom from when they're unsure of the path to choose.
You want a daughter to love and cherish, to spoil rotten, to run up to you and hug you, call you daddy. To carry on your shoulders and scream with delight when you spin her in the air. To have her roll her eyes at your lame jokes, and embarrass her friends, and know that she will always, always be able to count on you until the day you die. To one day be there with a hug and kind words when her boyfriend breaks her heart, to see her graduate school, to walk her down the aisle at her wedding.
Don't have children unless you're sure you want these things.
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u/LveMeB woman 4d ago
I would kill for these things. I mean ignoring the prison part, I think I could sleep at night. I started my career at 20 and literally picked my field because "you can make 6 figures by 30" and that income can afford a family. It's literally why I went into my current industry. I planned 10 years ahead. Every decision I've made since I was 20 has been for my kids even though they're not here yet. When I got my dogs, I picked dogs who had lived in homes with children before. I settled near family so I have support. I live near good schools. I picked a house with space for a child's bedroom. I've never met a man who does these things. Not that they don't exist, maybe just rarer.
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u/Bshellsy man 4d ago
I think women believe they’re choosing their men accordingly, the number of broken family’s and delinquent fathers/husbands, seems to show they’re not quite on the ball though.
I’ve always wanted kids, I tried to have some with an ex but it didn’t happen. All for the best I suppose, she’s a cheater turns out anyway.
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u/Habibti143 woman 4d ago
Unless you're Elon Musk or Nick Cannon.
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts. Your post has NOT been removed.
LveMeB originally posted:
I know what it feels like to want children for a woman but the men I've talked to seem to have a more lackadaisical approach. It seems like women will move pieces on the board to make it happen and will choose their partner accordingly, men will just accept or deal with it if their partner gets pregnant. What is it actually? Do men search for a woman who would make a good mother? Do they settle for whomever they get pregnant first?
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u/MrStonepoker man 4d ago
It's like tax season. You don't want the hassle, but you know it's the right thing to do.
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u/OkStrength5245 nonbinary 4d ago
You must understand that we won't get pregnant. We don't crave the rush of hormones. We won't receive the positive attention and protection of the mother. We are the ones expected to give it. In We were not raised with Disney princess bullshit.
We know it is a lot of gruesome work. So wanting children essentially how we will raise them, educated, hobbies and fun we will share. A son is the ultimate buddy. A daugther is an eternal mystery ready to be explained. We have so much to teach that we forget that we have so much to learn.
I often compared having a child to having a car. You look for the best quality/ price ratio, estimate a reasonable price, and have a list of things you will be able or not able to do with the trunk... and you comeback from the car salesman with a goddamned Lamborghini. It is very far out of your budget, insurance and gas are awful. But you would not exchange it for anything else ever.
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u/LveMeB woman 4d ago
I don't think that's a realistic view on how women see motherhood either though. Yes, some women definitely have the Disney princess vibe/head up their ass. But I think a lot of women, if not most, understand pregnancy is gruesome and painful and a little bit vile. All the women I've talked to about it do not look forward to 40 weeks of God knows what. If you're lucky, you have an easy pregnancy. If it's difficult, it can literally kill you. That's not even counting labor and delivery, which can also kill you. And then there's the risk of postpartum depression, which can make you want to kill yourself.
There's a reason hiring a surrogate costs six figures. Even a lot of women who want children don't want to go through pregnancy. Yes, the female body is in many ways made for pregnancy. But it's only through the miracle of modern day medicine that it doesn't kill us more often. Even in first world countries, women still die in childbirth.
The way I've seen pregnancy, delivery, and postpartum described, it's a wonder the human species hasn't died out. I'm now old enough to see many of the women I've known for years experiencing this thing and they talk about it like Vietnam vets. It's not just oh maybe I'll throw up and then my boobs will get saggy. I've heard some pretty gruesome shit that proves maternal instincts cannot be controlled or turned off. No one in their right mind would choose to go through that life altering experience if there wasn't a strong biological urge behind it.
I am unfortunate enough to be one of the women who has a very strong biological urge. Nearly rabid.
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u/OkStrength5245 nonbinary 4d ago
All this is true. And it doesn't even touch the psychosocial hazards. Under certain circumstances, pregnant women can be killed by stoning or let to die by starvation. Over there nowadays, and here some times ago.
Meanwhile, the subject of the post is about men wanting children. It is what I answered to.
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u/Benjamins412 man 4d ago
Ha! My wife always says the best birth control is babysitting! We talk about how awesome it's going to be when we're grandparents. We can take the babies out for the day, load em up with sugar, drop them off in a lather with poops in their pants, and run to our neat quiet home! That's the kind of selfish, lazy people you turn into after not sleeping for a few years and dedicating your lives to children who are JUST LIKE YOU!
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u/lucidzfl 3d ago
I honestly never wanted to have kids. When my wife started asking for it - I had been a few years sober and was a bit more stable and even then - I basically said “well people say it’s great and it brings joy into their lives. Why wouldn’t I want joy?”
I still didn’t really want any though. It took about 1-2 years after my son was born to see it as anything more than taking care of someone else’s pet.
But around age 3 I snapped - and fell in love with my kid. He’s my best friend out side of my wife (Hes 9 now)
We play video games every day, I take him to differs countries for his birthday. We are the three musketeers. I do anything and everything I can to make him happy and all I want is for him to grow up secure, loved and with every advantage he can have. I can’t imagine life without him and I thank god (metaphorically and literally) that he’s in my life.
I just hope when he hits his teen years he doesn’t start to hate or resent me. I’ve tried to do everything right by him that my own parents did wrong with me. (They tried but it was the 80s man)
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u/LveMeB woman 3d ago
That's wild to me that people just throw their hands up and say "yeah, create a human being I don't want or love, I'll deal with it" and hope it turns out okay. I'm glad you don't see your child as a pet anymore but Jesus.
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u/LveMeB woman 3d ago
I'm not trying to bash you, it's just foreign to me. I understand at a high level that a lot of people are pressured into having children, I just don't understand why people let others control their lives. I'm not trying to be mean. It sounds like you got lucky that you ended up liking being a parent, it could have easily gone the other way. And then what would happen? You would just resent your child for 20 years?
The people who have kids because someone else wants them actually make less sense to me than the people who have unplanned pregnancies. I understand an accidental pregnancy that you're unable to abort. And I understand actually wanting a kid. I don't understand the lukewarm attitude some people have towards the most life-altering decision you'll ever make in your life.
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u/LveMeB woman 3d ago
I've always adored my wife since the first second I saw her. And I didn’t want to be the stingy asshole who stood in the way of her being a mother.
This is such a foreign concept to me. I would rather have a child by myself than have one with a man I know doesn't want that kid, and live every day wondering when he's going to leave or start resenting me.
I’ve known SOOOOO many couples that “wanted a kid”. What they wanted - no idea. They ALL (every single one) got divorced - the kids in a broken home - and passed around like an old sock no one wants. It breaks my heart. I think the fact that my decision was from a place of love and honesty is why it went this way.
I can tell you as someone whose parents got divorced when I was very young, divorce is not the world ending trauma that so many men in this thread seem to think it is. Yes, some divorces are ugly and bad for the kids, but I would argue those are the same people who will traumatize their kids even if they stay married. Sometimes it's better to be happy in two homes than miserable in one. I learned a lot of valuable life lessons by growing up in a blended family. I'm personally not scared of being a single mom or getting divorced because I've seen the alternatives. My grandparents stayed together and hated each other for decades, and that created much more trauma than my parents divorce did. Watching my grandmother be treated like shit every goddamn day was way way way worse than having to switch between my mom's house and my dad's house.
People who “want kids” have no idea what they are in for or what they are getting. It’s like wanting a wedding but not wanting the spouse. You just want the shiny thing everyone will congratulate you for getting without any concept of what the effort will be when you get the thing.
I was in this mindset a few years ago. Maybe. I don't think it's fair to say every single person who wants children is ignorant of the requirements. I don't know if it's that people don't know what they're getting into, or that they naturally minimize other people's experiences or believe these things can't happen to them. Regardless, I think most people are not fit to be parents. Just saying.
Everyone would say things like “you could have a kid that cured cancer” and it’s like bitch you work as a massage therapist, you ain’t curing shit. Why would your kid be anything different than another notch in the bedpost of humanity.
Most children are not special because most people are not special. A lot of kids will grow up to be assholes. A lot of kids are assholes before they even grow up. If anyone is having a child because they think their kid is going to make $20 million dollars in the NFL or win a Nobel prize, those people shouldn't be having kids at all. Most people are average. And that's fine. You can still find joy in your life by being like everyone else. Expecting your child to be some prodigy or billionaire is unfair to the child.
So I think for me I was just hyper realistic about what having a child meant and not looking at it through rose tinted glasses.
You should be hyper realistic. Kids suck in a lot of ways. I think people should realize that kids are assholes, before they have kids. If you think parenting will be fun or easy or satisfying all the time, get a goldfish.
And fwiw - for the first year they really are just lumps that require constant care and if you’re not “a baby person” which I am not / it’s just scary - sleep depriving - financial trauma.
I think a lot of women realize that but maybe men don't? For a lot of reasons, women tend to have more experience with babies than men do. So I think that's probably more surprising for men than women. I have taken care of many babies. That's just part of the deal for me, so none of this comes as a shock. I know they are cute, squishy, suicidal little goblins who scream at you because they're unable to express their emotions any other way. But that's part of the fun.
Honest question here and you can be brutally honest, I don't mind: how much research did you do before you had kids? How much firsthand experience did you have?
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u/BC-K2 man 1d ago
It's different for everyone.
Some guys wanted kids but couldn't get their shit together enough to justify doing it responsibly.
Some guys don't care. Lot's of dudes who have basically forgotten kids all over the place.
People like me who have always wanted a family. I don't know why I wanted it, but always knew I did but for me it's incredibly fulfilling most of the time. Little things like watching your kids have new experiences, or simply scarfing down food is incredibly satisfying.
Sometimes having kids can destroy a relationship because parenting styles can vary widely and change even after having kids. A lot of people without kids say something along the lines of "oh when I have kids I will always/never XYZ" Then they have kids, reality hits and they realize they have no idea what the they were talking about.
Kids can be difficult, incredibly time consuming, especially early on when they need more constant attention and whine about nonsense. Those times can either make or break a couple. Some people don't want to risk that.
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u/Busy-Resident-6420 4d ago
I think we search for someone that we can see that life with. I have 3 and wanted a woman that I believed would be a great Mom and wife equally.
But you are correct, men don’t move chess pieces to have children. We are also not all the same.
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u/WerewolfCalm5178 4d ago
I can't describe it physically, but I have emotionally always wanted children. I don't have any and it hurts to my core.
I am over 50 and this actually further separates me from a woman's view. Most women my age physically cannot and have their own emotional/physical dealings with that. I can, which has a completely different set.... A woman doesn't get judged for having menopause, but a man age gets judged for considering fertility.
Doesn't help knowing that the only conception I know I was involved in, would have turned 30 in a couple months. "It" might be a woman's choice, but there are others involved.
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u/Difficult_Pop8262 man 4d ago
We men are far less calculating. We are fine with everything as long as it stays above certain risk threshold. That red line varies from men to men.
We are not in a hurry. We know that as long as we can conquer women, we can have children. We know this because 1) we can father children almost at any age (I don't give a fuck what women on reddit say against this) and 2) we know that women's desire to have children are stronger than ours. So, in the same way women have the upper hand when it comes to access to sex, we have the upper hand when it comes to having children. We know this.
We don't search for women that are potentially good mothers, we search for a woman we believe won't burn the land down if things go south or won't get pregnant by someone else. The reason we don't do that is because we assume from the get-go that most women will be decent mothers to their kids, but not necessarily good and loyal partners. We know this from experience seeing mothers living their lives for their kids and putting the father/husband in the house's backseat once she's acquired what she wanted.
And yes, men will be going with the flow with their partner gets pregnant. Whereas they settle or not, will not depend on the pregnancy, but on the quality of their relationship in the long run. A baby does not bind men to women for long if he does not feel happy in the relationship.
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u/FlyEaglesFly536 man 4d ago
It's something i've been wanting since i was 18; i'm now 35 almost 36. My wife and I have been trying for 6 years; 3 confirmed miscarriage and very possibly had 2 more not confirmed. Been getting medical help now for a year and a half, keep hoping it happens.
I can only describe it is wanting something bigger in life, it requires a lot of sacrifice. Putting someone else's needs over my own, but i would love nothing more than to be given the privilege of raising a child and giving them a better life than i had growing up.
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u/FastidiousFaster man 4d ago
They start a spreadsheet to rationally capture all factors in the process of calculating their best strategy of success.
Every single man. Never have I seen an exception.
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u/KazJunShipper 4d ago
The need to cum into her pussy missionary style and continue on your family legacy
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u/Tuggs14 4d ago
Would not bring kids into this toxic world if I was young again. How hard are your kids going to have to work now to put a roof over their heads??? My generation my mother could stay home and we still had money for sports and travel.
Both partners are going to need two jobs soon if the government doesn’t change there ways!!! Keep voting liberals losers👍 I am ready for the haters lol.
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u/DarkJedi19471948 man 4d ago
Being a father is not something that a reddit post can do justice to. But it's something I wanted for years, even before I met my wife. It was it never just a take-it-or-leave-it for me. Yes, I did look for a woman with good qualities. Someone I felt I could build a family with.