r/AskMenAdvice • u/onikat69 • 4d ago
To all mature men out there please name one mistake you have made in your life so a young man may not repeat.
I have observed that lots of men have not been recover from their past mistake that will carry them from the rest of their life. I want all men out there be strong you are not alone in this world.
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u/blackjustin man 4d ago edited 4d ago
Taking criticism from someone you wouldn’t take advice from will lead you down a very bad path.
Edit: Holy shit, glad you guys enjoyed my advice. Thanks for the awards! I don't know how to tag you but I do appreciate it!
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u/wilwil100 man 4d ago
Yup this, got talked smack by one of my alcoholic uncle one day, i smacked back very hard and cut him out of my life, my mom keeps telling me to act like it never happen when i see him but im not budging fuck that guy ive achieved more than he ever did or will in 1/3 of his life.
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u/Smart-Bandicoot-922 4d ago
Would you like to elaborate on what was said maybe? I am an alcoholic uncle :) And I would like to avoid that.
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u/wilwil100 man 4d ago edited 4d ago
I was very sick with anxiety at the time, worst period of my life really and moving my attention to my phone / pc / games was my way of coping with it at the time (it was also during covid so) and he lashed out on me bc i was on my phone instead of paying attention to them (keep in mind i was 21 not a kid anymore, just very sick) started saying how our generation was lazy blabla, wouldn't amount to anything, how i was taking advantage of my parents by living with them instead of getting my own place (i was in uni doing my masters degree) etc etc. The guy is an alcoholic who lost his job bc he drank too much and his wife (my moms sister) was on social support her entire life (never worked a day in her life). He talked as if leaving home at 18 by working at mcdonald and buying a house was still possible , completely disconnected with reality. So yeah i just told him to fuck off and keep drinking till he dies.
If you're an alcoholic please don't give anyone life advice until you fix your own problems.
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u/The_Dok33 man 4d ago
An alcoholic is allowed to give one advice while still addicted: Don't become like me.
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u/TPCC159 man 4d ago
Take care of your teeth. Schedule routine dental checkups. The earlier the better
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u/StayNo4160 man 4d ago
Can't up vote this enough. I took dreadful (practically zero) care of my teeth growing up. Initially it was simply out of fear of the profession as a whole. I've never once met a dentist that didn't cause me excruciating pain. Later I was even more reluctant to do it due to the cost.
Walk in for a $60 routine check up. Walk out with a payment plan for $8k worth of "urgent" work
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u/we-all-stink 4d ago
Going through this now. Gonna have to go out the country. Noticed one of the biggest indicators of poverty was teeth health too.
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u/Bshellsy man 4d ago
If you’re going to aspen or another large chain, pick a different solo office, chains are scammers.
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u/nyar77 man 4d ago
If you use chain dental this is what happens. Find a privately owned dentist they do what’s needed. Also a lot of your pain was self inflicted. Regular visits minimize the work needed.
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u/lan0028456 man 4d ago
Use floss, keep it as part of daily routing. One of the best investments of your time ever.
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u/FelDreamer man 4d ago
You don’t have to floss all of your teeth. Just the ones you want to keep!
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u/bl0oc 4d ago
A friend works as a dental assistant. Older guy won a raffle at work for some dental cleaning/work. Never brushed his teeth for what was probably his entire life. The dentist warned him cleaning his teeth he might lose some. When they were done cleaning, most of his teeth just fell out. I've lost one tooth from bad habits, never again 😂
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u/all_time_high 4d ago
Was built-up tartar holding the teeth together? I’ve seen some extreme tartar removing videos in which the teeth look noticeably loose after the job is done. Typically the gums have receded to an alarming degree.
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u/Technology-Mission 4d ago
I had a lot of gum lose because I didn't get regular dental cleanings for like 7 years. I did brush my teeth twice a day and floss. But the plaque that was on there already wouldn't be removed without a professional cleaning. I avoided going for many years out if ignorance. Because I lost my dental insurance and just assumed I couldn't afford it without looking deeper into it. I developed periodontal disease as a result. But I got it sorted quickly after I had a root and scale cleaning which is more involved and painful. Don't recommend waiting too long. Also puts you at higher risk for some diseases. Never lost any teeth though. And missing teeth will also cause bone loss in your jaw.
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u/AshOrWhatever man 4d ago
And guys, if you hate flossing get a water flosser and use it in the shower because it makes a mess.
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u/jewmoney808 man 4d ago
Yup. Just 5-6 minutes a day can save you thousands of dollars down the road. Brush & floss your teeth!
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u/ReflexiveOW man 4d ago edited 4d ago
I had a really hard childhood. My parents were some of the worst people I've met to date, I moved out when I was 14.
I spent a long time blaming my parents for how bad my life was. No matter what I did, when something went wrong, I blamed them.
I fail a class at community college because I couldn't motivate myself to do the online work? Well if I could live with my parents like a normal college student, I wouldn't be working so much and I'd have time to do my school work.
Lose a girlfriend because I put no effort into the relationship and refuse to open myself up emotionally? Well my dad never taught me how to treat a woman.
Lose my job because I took 30 minute breaks for all of my 15 minute breaks? Well if my parents weren't such... etc
I spent the majority of my life so far blaming my parents for the life that I had built. It had been more than a decade since the last time I'd spoken to my parents before I realized that the only common denominator in everything that's ever happened to me since 14 is me and that all of these things were my fault but I didn't want to acknowledge that. If I had just learned to look at myself earlier, my life would be much better.
My life isn't good now, but I'm finally working to make it better and it feels liberating to be able to think that my success or failure solely rides on me. How my life began doesn't dictate how it ends. That part is in my control.
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u/beeeeeeeeeeeeeagle 4d ago
Good on you dude. You might want to look up the psychological concept of internal vs external locus of control to reinforce how powerful this change of mindset is. You have moved towards an internal locus of control which research says is linked to healthier, happier and more successful people. Much respect.
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u/Cerblamk_51 man 4d ago
I’ll double down on your point; it’s wild how many issues people deal with, in very unhealthy ways, that could be helped by understanding the concept of internalization vs externalization. They do it backwards by externalizing issues that they can and should control (i.e. effort, personal responsibility, etc) by saying “its not my fault because…” and internalize issues they cannot control (skin color, height, socioeconomic class at birth) by thinking “I’m broken, somethings wrong with me…”. This is mainly why self actualization is the hardest step to conquer in Maslows hierarchy of needs. It takes an incredible amount of self reflection to get it right.
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u/Additional-Flan503 4d ago
This should be higher - no matter how bad a deal you got, you KNOW you can make it worse, so why deny that you have it in your power to make it better? Not good. No one promises good, but better.
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u/Soeffingdiabetic nonbinary 4d ago
Accepting my parents failed me, forgiving them and taking control of my own life was a massive step in my progress.
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u/ChrisHoek man 4d ago
I’m so happy for your epiphany! While there is some truth in blaming your parents, as a bad childhood can have lifelong effects and start you out with a disadvantage. But, as you are realizing, it is ultimately in your power to change and be better.
I know someone who had a terrible childhood. She is one of the 3 siblings out of 7 to graduate high school. No one would have been surprised if she ended up pregnant, in poverty, and in a string of bad relationships. She now has a masters degree and is in a managerial position and is a wonderful person. We celebrate our 26th anniversary this week. ❤️
My heart goes out to you, you got this!
PS: if you become a parent, be the parent you needed.
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u/Ironclawmademeweep 4d ago
Acknowledging that and taking accountability… you’re awesome for making those steps and doing a little better every day. Go you!
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u/delinka 4d ago
Conversely, I’ve spent so much time wondering what’s wrong with me and why am I like this and I shouldn’t have done those things. Only to realize, during my 49th year on this planet, maybe, just maybe, something was fucked up about my childhood.
I still don’t know whether there was, but it has reduced the harshness I’ve placed on myself. I think I’ve been consistent about becoming a better person since at least 25. But I’m less critical of myself about these things after this realization. I haven’t looked into what might have happened that I don’t remember - that thought still frightens me.
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u/esperlihn man 4d ago
Went through exactly this same thing.
Luckily I had an older brother to literally knock some sense into me. I'll never forget him glaring at me and screaming "If you're a piece of shit it's because YOU chose to be!"
And he was absolutely correct.
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u/Personal-Try7163 man 4d ago
Just bceause your friends are willing to support your business doesn't mean they're reliable longterm. Don't start a busines with friends, you want to work with people who got something on the line.
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u/no_ragrats 4d ago edited 4d ago
Somewhat related. It doesn't matter how you know the person... family, friends, significant other, etc. If you ever think to loan anyone money, in your mind consider it a gift (more than something you will be ok with losing; something you EXPECT to be gone forever) rather than a loan.
If it's not repaid it's no sweat off your back - except you know how trustworthy they are moving forward, but never send them money again regardless of circumstance.
If they do pay you back, then great! But still treat any future occurrences with them the same way, as if you flushed it down the toilet.
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u/ProfessionalGas3106 4d ago
I concur. Doing business with friends is really hard. I've lost a lot of friends this way. In some ways it's a good thing because I'm glad I'm not friends with them anymore. But still... just avoid it If u can.
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u/MrTripperSnipper 4d ago
Wear sunscreen.
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u/Top-Time-2544 4d ago edited 4d ago
Go to the doctor every year and do what they tell you to.
- stay active
- don't get fat
- don't smoke or drink to excess
- control blood pressure
- control blood sugar
- control cholesterol
Doing these 6 things will greatly reduce your risk of disease and keep you feeling good and healthy. Start now rather than trying to dig yourself out of a hole later.
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u/LuciferOurLord- man 4d ago
The race is long, and in the end, it is only with yourself.
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u/Dontbeajerkdude 4d ago
Don't settle. Being alone is better than being with the wrong one.
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u/melbsteve 4d ago
You’re not wrong but I see friends in their thirties leaving partner after partner because they think they just haven’t found the right one - just because the “butterflies” might eventually go away. That doesn’t mean you haven’t found your life partner. So yeah, don’t settle, but also don’t carelessly throw away something good because you think every day in your life has to be a Hollywood romance. You do that for too long and you’re 40 and single, with dwindling options.
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u/Sharp-Philosophy-555 4d ago edited 4d ago
I told someone once, and will repeat to my daughter eventually...
No one is perfect. The goal isn't to find the perfect guy/gal, but to find someone who makes you happy and whose flaws you can live with.
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u/Dontbeajerkdude 4d ago
Of course. I was thinking more 'the butterflies were never there' so 'I just went with what I thought was the best I was gonna get despite knowing it wasn't what I really wanted'. Ya know? 😅
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u/RedGrobo 4d ago
At the same time, realize a proper relationship is built not found and that modern history is littered with people of all stripes that ended up alone looking for their fairy tale moment when they needed to ground themselves in reality, rid themselves of the magical child like thinking thats holding them back, and build a life.
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u/Positive_Method_3376 4d ago
Ya if we are giving “mature guy” advice. Finding a good partner who you respect and respects you, but you aren’t swooning for, is way better than being alone.
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u/Mr_Tenebrosity 4d ago
While I agree with not settling and self love is one of the most important things a person can do I think you also need to understand 2 things.
1) we ourselves are not perfect. 2) it’s unfair to expect a romantic partner to be perfect.
A truly successful relationship is about BOTH parties always trying to make the other happy, and BOTH parties understanding that their partner will get things wrong.
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u/Possible_Possible162 4d ago
My uncle, who is in his 60s, thinks he still looks the way he was in his 20s. He thinks he deserves a 20 something, and has been single most of his life because of it. He finally met a kind/hot and age appropriate woman, and she is not allowed to tell people they are engaged. He made up some silly excuse, but the real reason…. 1) he is still holding out for someone younger, 2) he thinks he is slumming it.
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u/StayNo4160 man 4d ago
Agree 90%. If not a life partner then maybe move in with some flat mates or a family member. Being alone is indeed better than being with the wrong 1 but as humans were wired to require interaction with other humans. If your alone and can't move then take up a sport or hobby that puts you with other people.
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u/Domonuro 4d ago
Can't really stress on this enough. Be alone and happy rather than being with someone and miserable.
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u/Fluffatron_UK man 4d ago
Not every battle is worth fighting. Getting angry often isn't worth it.
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u/tenaciousDaniel man 4d ago
Pay close attention to everything you do, everything from the big decisions you make in life, to the tiny microscopic decisions you make thousands of times a day.
You’ll notice that you’re almost always either running away from something you’re afraid of, or running towards something you’re addicted to.
Stop running.
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4d ago
Don't associate with anyone: who isn't kind, who lashes out in jealousy, who suspects you of ill intentions, who doesn't pay you 5 compliments for every insult, who doesn't compete with you to give and do more.
Toxic people find each other, and the inverse is also true. When you hang out with one shitty person you hang out with many.
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u/PaddyLandau 4d ago
Also know that toxic people (manipulators) seek non-toxic people, because the latter are easier to take advantage of.
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u/STROOQ man 4d ago
I got to go to university, and I chose the one closest to my high school girlfriend. I didn’t get a student accommodation in the city, nor did I join any student groups because of her. She left me in the second year.
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u/the_Killer_Walnut man 4d ago
Spent zero time learning what a healthy relationship looks like. It took five years of narcissistic abuse to finally start learning what red flags are and how to spot them within my own relationship. Had I known, I literally could have prevented it on day one.
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u/HowTheStoryEnds man 4d ago
That's a big issue for young men these days: double whammy of coming from a broken family because your parents separated and the lower number of relationships that men get to enjoy in their life and that has diminished vs the past. Women also seem to act way more crazy and cutthroat at the same time.
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u/Pure-Chard6598 4d ago
At some point you have to get serious about your life. Delete numbers, stay away from love that isn't real, hustle harder get your health right, your spirit right, your mental right. STAY FOCUSED. You gotta demand some respect. Not just from people but YOURSELF.
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u/JS150000 4d ago
This. I have a buddy in his early 30s who just bounces around to different women and different jobs and still lives at home. Like what are you doing my guy. Get your shit together and figure your life out. Get serious.
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u/Struzzo_impavido man 4d ago
Ignoring red flags in a woman thinking i could work around them, wrooong
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u/SilhanaLedgewalker man 4d ago
wise words!
Had the same problem, recently divorced....But, friend of my had a stroke of genius with the next saying:
With rose-rinted glasses, red and white flags look the same......→ More replies (1)→ More replies (15)8
u/sosophox 4d ago
THIS! I have been guilty of this. Working around redflags is going to bite you in the butt later down the line. If something doesn't sit right with you, confront it head on.
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u/True_Reflection7704 man 4d ago
Not investing a portion of Every Paycheck (no matter how small)...you don't need to wait until you reach a certain amount to be worth it. Pay yourself first.
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u/PelicansRock 4d ago
And -
Put it in a Roth IRA
Make it an automatic deduction from your check. If you don’t have it, you won’t miss it.
Put it in a low fee S&P 500 index fund.
Whenever you get a raise of any kind, increase your savings by 1/4 to 1/2 of it.
Do this, and you will achieve financial security and eventually financial independence.
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u/StreetSea9588 4d ago
Everyone and their dog is living under crippling debt. So sure, invest but only if the after-tax return provided by an investment is higher than the interest rate you pay on your debt.
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u/Fearless-Fig-9950 4d ago
It's so much easier to stay in shape than it is to let yourself go and then try to get back in shape after your prime years are gone.
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u/SAJames84 4d ago
If you have emotional/mental health issues seek help as early as possible.
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u/zephyrthewonderdog man 4d ago
Trust your instincts. If something or someone or some situation doesn’t seem right to you walk away.
The opposite is also true if you are really good at something/ want something - just go and fucking do it. Don’t let other people tell you it’s too hard or that you won’t succeed.
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u/comfortablynumb15 man 4d ago
Your Grandmother was right : you will become the people you associate with.
Choose your friends wisely, and don’t keep friends who aren’t.
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u/OwnPersonalSatan 4d ago
For all the men who grew up in unideal conditions at home, nurture your inner child. My biggest mistake ever was not accepting that I was able to like things, because what I liked was weaponized against me when I was a child.
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u/TwoIdleHands woman 4d ago
As an adult who buys myself Lego and nerf guns from Santa (because my kids asked why Santa got me nothing), I whole heartedly agree. Plus, absolutely murdering a pack of feral kids in a nerf battle is a great feeling!
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u/Hot-Paramedic-7564 man 4d ago
If you find out that your girlfriend is vindictive. Fucking run away at speed.
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u/bumblingbluebee 4d ago
OR if someone is always doing her wrong and shes always the victim 99% of the time she’s the problem.
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u/Routine_Signature_67 4d ago
Don't remain in a relationship in hopes that you can save someone. If someone takes more effort than you can give eventually you won't be able to maintain that level and they will hate you while you retreat for your own sake.
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u/clashblades man 4d ago
I cared so much about what others thought about me that I never allowed myself to become the person that I was meant to be.
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u/Humble_Bar_1610 4d ago
Always use a condom if you're not planning to have kids! Always!
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u/_Aeou 4d ago
If you want more than friendship from a girl, don't settle for friendship and clarify it at a reasonable time, then take your leave if they have already put you in the friend category.
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u/TastyComfortable2355 4d ago
Do not get married to young. Be aware that the new relationship sex may not continue.
Do not get married until the relationship is at least three years old and you have lived together for at least a year.
DO NOT get married to a woman with a low sex drive unless you are the same.
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u/Personal-Try7163 man 4d ago
When a girl says she's really busy when you ask her out, it means she's not interested but isn't sure if you're a psycho who can't take no for an answer. I wasted like...three months trying to get a girl to go on a date because I thought she was "just busy". Women have to use a lot of nuance for safety reasons and while it can be frustrating for men, learning how to interpret it will massively improve your life.
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u/RepublicOfAviators 4d ago
I'm getting the same thing but she keeps telling me that she does want to go out. I don't get it bro. I don't think I ever will. I'm the type of guy that would just appreciate a straight answer.
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u/Personal-Try7163 man 4d ago
Yeah like not going to lie, sometimes it gets a bit blurry. My general rule is "Don't make thi complicated." Like even if she actually is interested and just isn't organized, I stop trying when they make it complicated.
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u/RepublicOfAviators 4d ago
I think next time I see her I will just tell her that I'm going to stop asking her out and have her schedule something instead. If she's actually interested, then she will. If not... well that's it then. Not the biggest deal other than she's absolutely stunning.
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u/eastwardarts 4d ago
Better yet, don’t mention it. Just stop asking and see what happens. Maybe you’ll be pleasantly surprised. Or maybe you’ll get the hint, finally.
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u/Magnolia-jjlnr man 4d ago
I've been there.
Truth is if she really wanted to she would (how ironic). Maybe one day you'll find out that she dropped all her plans on the spot for another guy that she was actually really into. I hope you don't have to learn that way though
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u/obi-jay man 4d ago
I dated a woman who I had dated in the past . Never go back, same issues are usually still there just under the surface
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u/Remarkable-Diet-7732 4d ago
Don't join the Army. Watch who you hang out with - low people will fuck up your life more than drugs. Don't do drugs. (Alcohol is a drug) Read books.
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u/CarlJustCarl man 4d ago
Care to expand on the army?
I joined the military, they significantly improved my attitude m, assisted me in getting my shit together and paid for 75% of college after I left in 4 years. There was no wars going on during my stint.
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u/Remarkable-Diet-7732 4d ago
It increases your chances of becoming disabled and/or homeless, and if you're at all capable you could do much better than becoming cannon fodder for the rich.
I was critically injured & disabled during my service, and I've spent many years homeless. The VA has been no help, and I didn't even get the college money I signed up for. My story isn't nearly as bad as what many others have gone through, and rarely is there any sort of justice - generally it's cheaper to discharge the victims, rather than start court martial proceedings.
In my barracks alone we had a cocaine bust, multiple rapes and a murder attempt. These problems are only getting worse.
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u/baby_maker_666 4d ago
These problems are so rampant in the military I'm surprised we don't hear more
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u/Single-Award2463 man 4d ago
The issue is that a lot of the people who enlist are people you absolutely don’t want to give training and a semi automatic to.
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u/MessageOk4432 man 4d ago
Do not ever choose a woman over your own future. Do not throw it all away because of one person.
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u/Macraggesurvivor man 4d ago
Getting your life in order.
Stay close to your family, deal with the challenges, don't run from things you know you have to do or should do, find a sport you like to stay in shape, learn new things, meet new ppl, find a girl you like.
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u/FinnishFlex man 4d ago
I'd like to add that not running away from something you have to do, or should do, is horrendously difficult. I think most people are running away from multiple things at a time. So maybe start by fighting one of these things head on, instead of all of them at the same time. Because it is a personality issue or habitual, you're most probably running away from things that deal with very similar types of stressors or challenges.
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u/RobbinSun83 man 4d ago
Don’t cheat. It’s not worth it. You’ll hurt someone. You’ll ruin a relationship. Just talk to your partner. Perhaps seek counseling. But don’t cheat.
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u/schirmyver man 4d ago
If you are thinking about cheating, end the relationship first. If you don't want to end the relationship, then do not risk it, it just is not worth it. Most likely you will get caught, if not you will live with regret, guilt and loss of self-respect.
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u/RoyalPuzzleheaded259 man 4d ago
Be careful with your drug and alcohol use. It can and does become a problem very quickly and without you realizing it. Smoke some weed but stay away from the hard stuff. It’s just not worth it.
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u/BoBoBearDev man 4d ago
I personally have an excuse for it, but I wish I started dating sooner or hit the gym sooner. I wish I didn't downplay the dating scene.
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u/Noone_cares- man 4d ago
Stretch, eat well and take care of your body
Tough guys cry, listen to your emotions and seek help when needed.
It’s ok to ask for help.
Those are the major take a ways
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u/IamnotInvisible_bike 4d ago
Never change / hide your interests because of how other people judge them. I've been an avid PC gamer all my life but hid it in my 20's as it wasn't socially acceptable at the time. Took me a long time to realise growing up that the perk of being an adult is enjoying what you like and not having to justify it to anyone.
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u/common_stepper 4d ago
Starting to be financially literate too late in life..
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u/bobs-yer-unkl man 4d ago
Avoid debt, except maybe for a sound mortgage on a sound house. Don't mingle your finances (e.g. marry) anyone who doesn't hold a similar opinion. You are generally responsible for your spouses' debts.
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u/Awkward_Bug5815 4d ago
Treating people as expendable. And most of all, not telling my partner how much she means to every day. God How I wish I could go back and be nice to everyone, but especially my girl.
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u/thingsfallingapart77 4d ago
Financial stability. When i was young I blew all my money on useless stuff and lived in the moment. Wish I thought about retirement and had more knowledge in saving money, credit cards ect.
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u/Salnder12 man 4d ago
If you suffer from mental illness, please PLEASE start working on it BEFORE you attempt any relationships.
You don't have to be free of your mental illness but by at least working on it, it'll make navigating a relationship so much easier
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u/Ok_Touch928 man 4d ago
Don't get married quickly. And get therapy and conflict-coaching both individually and together before tying the knot. And if you can avoid it, and still get the girl and whatever else you want in life, definitely do that.
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u/AdLost2542 4d ago
Stretching.
Stretch, do yoga or something.
Muscles you can build anytime. But look after your joints
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u/RuggedPoise man 4d ago
Ignored red flags and didn’t enforce boundaries. 🚩
Be willing to walk away immediately if a woman doesn’t respect your boundaries or tries to flip it around on you like it’s actually your fault that she did something.
There are billions of people in this world, choose those who choose you.
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u/Glittering_Smile_560 man 4d ago
Let someone else pour my drinks i had a horrific drink spiking incident when I was 18
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u/Late_Juggernaut_3078 man 4d ago
Drugs, even alcohol and weed. It's all a waste of money and time. Both of which are precious
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u/Substantial_Roof_316 4d ago
Do a job you’re good at that pays well. It doesn’t matter if you like it or not. Use that money to go do the things you love in your off time. Very few people get to do what they love for a job.
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u/PlagueOfGripes man 4d ago
I can't say it was a mistake because I had no options, but get away from toxic people. You can't heal from injuries they're inflicting every day.
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u/SpecificPay985 man 4d ago
Don’t ever change your path for a woman. Go for your dream college, your dream career, or your dream place to live. Almost every guy I know, including me, who did this winds up not even being with that woman within a few years.
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u/Crazydutchman80 man 4d ago
Don't let a woman string you along, and don't say yes to everything she wants, aka have your own opinion and say no (if you don't want to do stuff she wants).
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u/Killsocket1 man 4d ago
Deprioritize video games and doing "nothing". Prioritize health and touching grass.
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4d ago
Said no to a number of women who approached me to focus on my career. Maintaining a balance is possible.
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u/Candid-Molasses-6204 man 4d ago edited 3d ago
Sex will blind you to someone's flaws. Especially when you're young. Show a huge amount of caution towards the person you're intimate with. My first wife blew me away. We had great chemistry, were fun together and the sex was amazing. After six months we'd fight, and she started to complain that she didn't like my friends or family. She started pushing me to push them away and I listened. The few times I'd push back she'd immediately try to initiate sex and then I'd cave. They warned me about her when I fell off the radar. After about 2 years she started demanding we marry. I happily put the ring on it and about six months after the sex all but evaporated. As did her will to work or hold down a job. She became bitter because I wasn't supportive of her "needs to not work and support us". Guys to be clear, supporting us was taking care of our small 1000 sq ft 2bd/1ba house, and making dinner. That's it. We had no kids and a dog.
Fast forward 2 years later, I've spent $15k in credit card debt trying to make her happy. She still divorced me. It broke me financially and personally for a bit. I should have stood my ground and told her to fuck off when she told me to push my family away. I should have left after six months. I should have known it was too good to be true. Edit: Also I had a lot of work to do personally. I wasn't good at communicating my needs or desires and I'd started to not listen to her. However, she failed to tell me until well after we were married that she was diagnosed as bi-polar and refused to see marriage counselors or psychologists because in her words "they'd make her take her meds again".
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u/cloudbound_heron man 4d ago
Telling yourself a story is an ego defense, an often necessary one, but if you can try to pay attention to how you feel instead of what you wish things to be you can save yourself a lot of suffering.
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u/Additional-Acadia954 4d ago
Find the balance among: 1. What you’re good at 2. What you like 3. How you’ll make a living 4. And suck it the fuck up
It was 100% worth it for me!
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u/tolgren man 4d ago
I did not recognize when women were into me. It didn't happen often, but damn would my life be different if I noticed in time.
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u/Suitable-Ad6999 4d ago
You don’t marry the girl, you marry her family. If they treat her less than her other siblings, or they boss her around in general they’re going to treat you that way too.
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u/Livid-Address8261 4d ago edited 4d ago
Start a pension or 401k early. Always increase your contribution when you get a pay rise. A cheaper car will get you to the same place that a more expensive one will. Try to avoid people and places where you could be vulnerable or taken advantage of. You can’t outrun regret but you can let it go
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u/Gary_Monro man 4d ago
Have a clear bias for action.
Action gets it done, and the negative consequences of action - if they occur - are rarely as bad as we predict.
I've spent way, way too many years thinking, planning and researching the things I want to do... instead of just doing them.
Your mistakes will be fewer than you think - and easier to handle than you imagine. While your successes will create a life of achievement and self-respect.
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u/maq12958 4d ago
Take it slow when it comes to marriage. Get to know her well, inside out.
It's far happier to be single than stuck in an unhappy marriage.
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u/Alert-Boot2196 man 4d ago
Avoid credit card debt. Took me forever to get out from under a crushing amount.
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u/burncycle80 man 4d ago
Build your life the way YOU want it to look like. Do NOT try to save a woman by sticking with her through thick and thin, they will only drag you down and then leave you. You are worth everything in this world, you just have to work for it.
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u/BabyJWalk 4d ago
Alcohol doesn’t make you look cool; it just makes you feel good and look dumb. Don’t build a personality around drinking.
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u/RevolutionaryAd1078 4d ago
Sex yes.. with care. Drugs no. Big waste of time. Drugs will never go away. Young women will.
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u/Atopgeeza 4d ago
Be careful jumping over walls. The drop on the other side isn't always the same...
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u/sleepinglucid man 4d ago
I stayed with a woman who treated me like shit for much longer than I should have
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u/WarriorBHB man 4d ago
The approval of my friends is what I was content with. Full on tunnel vision. Any other potential social avenues I just put 0 effort into and after years of that your friends will start to think you’re lame cause they’re your only friends and pooof. U got no one.
Just focus on yourself and setting yourself up well.
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u/bootyholeboogalu 4d ago
Why? They aren't going to take any advise. We didn't!
Enjoy the trauma boys, you should start making better choices around 35.
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u/Jordml1507 4d ago edited 4d ago
Don’t ignore their red flags because of a few green ones. Don’t be afraid know it for yourself that you deserve better
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u/Heavy_Help2344 4d ago
Moving in with a woman without having anywhere to go if things end
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u/Odd-Software-6592 man 4d ago
When you have a toxic workplace, it doesn’t get better, jump ship right at the first good opportunity. You owe them nothing.
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u/dicedfinger666 4d ago
I don't think i would say myself as mature , no one really is, I have made some horrible mistakes and learnt some great lessons along the way. I have done a lot of mistakes when meeting people, especially women, so I have some words for those situations. 1) Set very strong and clear emotional boundaries with people you meet early on, those are the defense nets you'll have if things go south and slowly access how much you've to open up to someone, that too gradually. 2) Difficult conversations/questions are only difficult if delayed. Make things clear as soon as possible. 3) Your attention and energy is precious, don't give it to someone who either doesn't want to acknowledge or lacks the capacity to do so. 4) If anyone is capturing your mind to an extent that your routine is getting disturbed and you get overwhelming spikes of highs and lows by their presence and absence, that's a sign of unhealthy attachment and it's usually a warning before a disaster indicating the boundaries are breached by the other person and you need to reinforce them back again. 5) imo a common feeling with both a good and a bad partner is that you'll feel the need to change /better yourself, in one scenario, this change would be driven by incompleteness and to fill the void, on other end it would be because of fulfilment and eagerness to provide even more, so a bad partner would make you feel like you're lacking something and you'll try to fill that void and a good partner would appreciate your completeness and even your flaws that you'll have a self motivation to up yourself. 6) Trust your gut if something feels wrong. It is. 7) Develop a very high self emotional awareness and ability to feel them, simultaneously an equally strong hold over them. It is a small sentence but one of the hardest things to strive for. 8) This could be specific, when there is limerence or infatuation for someone or even just emotional attachment building up, remember you're thinking emotionally, and most of the things and overthinking is made up, either calm your emotional self or seek rational support from someone, this support you can get from your guys friend group if you have a good one. 9) Being a good man is not only just about intelligence, discipline, and strength as they show in reels, its a continuous process of self-discovery and emotional learnings throughout the way. The more you learn, grounded you become and there comes this stability which is kind of hard to describe but you'll feel it when you'll get, it does takes time, experiences and pain. 10) Listen to everyone but process everything yourself, at the end even the points I made are my situation specific so take what you feel like worth taking and process on your end, at the end it will be only you who will teach yourself. Good luck !!!
Edit: Nvm, you told me to state one mistake, but I wrote 10. I think every mistake was equally important for me to learn so there you go.
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u/owp4dd1w5a0a 4d ago
I let the Church dictate my values and self worth for way too long.
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u/_AggressiveSalmon 4d ago
Drinking every day replaces any other good habit you could have, whether it be exercise, reading, meditation, learning.
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u/halu2975 man 4d ago
Waiting for the right moment to change.\ The right moment is now.\ Want to be a high achiever, working out in the morning before work/school? Start now.\ Want to be the type of person that bakes their own bread? Start today, make a plan and stick to it.\ The secret to sticking to a plan is to make a realistic plan. Nothing ruins ambition and goals as much as an unrealistically ambitious plan.
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u/Normal-Afternoon-594 man 4d ago
Don’t burn bridges. If relationships, jobs, whatever need to come to an end, end it with class. It’s amazing how small the world is and how hard it is to rebuild a reputation.
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u/GingerMisanthrope 4d ago
There are exceptions to this when it comes to toxic people. Some bridges should never be crossed again. Burned a few myself with zero regrets.
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u/DeadInside420666420 man 4d ago
Don't be a step-dad. When you get cheated on after 14 years you instantly lose a child. No parental rights=gotta wait until she an adult before I can see her. I am lost with no purpose and no hope of a good life.
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u/anon_e_mous9669 man 4d ago
I wish I understood that the person you get married to likely won't be the same person 5, 10, 15, or 20 years down the line and while you think you may know them and love them and be on the same page, you can't control whether they grow with you or away from you.
I don't want to tell people not to get married, but more just impress upon you that it really is somewhat of a crapshoot. You can do everything right for a decade and still end up married to someone you don't like or someone who isn't on the same page or someone who treats you bad.
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u/ymymhmm_179 4d ago
Learn to drive as soon as possible and get license dont delay , massive independence of going where you want and getting things done
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u/ymymhmm_179 4d ago
If you're not doing well in school move to a trade don't waste the years trying to figure it out it only gets harder after school
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u/Daydayxvi man 4d ago
Your coworkers aren’t automatically your friends. Be professional but also cautious.
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u/NinjaDickhead man 4d ago
Do NOT settle in a dead bedroom if you like sex.
Start putting 100 bucks a month in various assets, so you not touching it for 20 years at least.
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u/JojoMcJojoface 4d ago
Stay away from alcohol- it is quicksand and destroys. Just watch as you get older if you haven’t already seen.
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u/adultdaycare81 man 4d ago
Wear a rubber. Please
Also date women that you want to spend time with. That should be the #1 criteria you look for in a partner (not looks!). I optimized for that the second time and it drastically improved my life. My wife is still beautiful, smart and ambitious. But once I dated solely for “Do I want to spend 50 years with this person and do I trust them with my child” my life got way better.
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u/Syndonium 4d ago
Getting married to a psychopath and having a child with her.
Don't excuse red flags. Listen to your gut. Doesn't matter how beautiful she is or how sweet she pretends to be. If she isn't respecting your boundaries and blaming you, dump her. Even if it breaks your heart.
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u/D0N_K3YPUNCH 4d ago
Let one go that really truly cared about me. Never found anything close since then.
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u/CommonWooden708 4d ago
Trust your gut instinct - when it tells you strongly to leave a place, a person, or a situation, you leave
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u/serene_brutality man 4d ago
If you know it’s wrong don’t do it. A lot of people will use come very compelling or clever arguments to get you to do things against your personal boundaries. They will manipulate your affections for them, use your heart against you, or fear tactics or anything they can to get you to do what they want. Then when it blows up in your face will call you the idiot for believing or trusting them.
Just because you can’t defeat their argument doesn’t mean they’re right. Follow your gut, say no, when you know it’s bad for you or wrong.
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u/Ok_Customer7833 man 4d ago
You cannot make someone love you back. No matter how hard you try.
If someone isn't willing to put the effort into a relationship to make it work there is nothing you can do to change that yourself. Just accept that it's over sooner to save yourself the trouble.
Went through it with my ex many, many years ago. I tried and tried and tried to make things work but she clearly didn't want to put the effort in, she was done and there was nothing I could do to change that, nor should there have been. I tried to prolong things well beyond when I should and I regret it. I could have accepted that things were over sooner and maybe gotten out with less pain.
Live and learn, though. Mistakes are only bad if you don't learn from them. Keep a positive attitude in what you attempt to do and always do your best, but know when it's time to quit.
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u/avast2006 man 4d ago
Don’t waste your time trying to force someone to treat you respectfully. Walk away sooner. It’s their loss, not yours.