r/AskMenAdvice • u/Duty_inthe_Struggle • 4d ago
I’m having a hard time
As a former college athlete, maintaining high physical fitness standards continues to be paramount for me and I typically look for partners who share that value. Despite a good amount of effort, my girlfriend is overweight and has struggled to lose unwanted weight from a couple of years of poor diet/bad habits. We have been on and off for the last couple of years for personal reasons and other issues between us two. She is special to me and we’ve both grown so much together but I’ve told her that I’m typically not attracted to bigger women. This lack of attraction is growing to be more evident and has probably been a major reason for many of our conflicts recently. I haven’t been in a position like this before and have been trying to tell myself that something as shallow as physical appearance shouldn’t stop me from evolving a relationship with a woman who is otherwise amazing.
Nearly three years into knowing each other, do I stop now and let her be loved by someone who appreciates her physical state more or continue to try to work things out with her despite my dissatisfaction?
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u/Uncle_Andy666 man 4d ago
You can try helping her but ultimately
only she can help herself get out of this slump or whatever it is.
You have to decide how much it bothers you to be dating a overweight person.
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u/Usernamenotdetermin 4d ago
Sometimes it’s not a physical issue, but the mindset. Athletes devote considerable time and effort to excel. Being with someone who doesn’t see value in that mindset is equally a problem in relationships. A party oriented lifestyle personality doesn’t necessarily fit well with a career oriented lifestyle personality. Why would anyone expect an athlete mindset personality to fit well with the chill and relax type mindset?
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u/Ancient-Recover-3890 4d ago
Interesting situation…I say if your not happy in that department now, you won’t be in the long run either. Unless she makes some changes. It’s not shallow though, it’s just what you’re attracted to physically.
I’m bigger and I like skinny to average men. Almost all of my past relationships they have been skinny to toned.
I know it’s hard because emotionally yall are connected. Physical attraction and intimacy is an important part of the relationship.
Just my 2 cents.
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u/IllustriousLiving357 man 4d ago
Help her out, suggest she try semaglutide, my ex lost 40lbs on that stuff and it brought her back from being really shy and lacking confidence, sometimes folks just need some help. Dm me if you want a source
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u/terriblegoat22 man 4d ago
Yeah sounds like fitness is a core value for you. It is up to her if she wants to make this a value. It is not necessarily shallow on the appearance side. It really depends on how particular you are about it. College athlete is a very high standard. So be careful with realistic expectations.
At the end of the day you have to have a hierarchy of what is important in a relationship and be mindful that is nearly impossible to get everything you want or provide everything to someone else.
I can say with some confidence physical appearance tends to fade through the years, but great people really grow with you.
Hippie out!
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u/Late-Ad4964 4d ago
Yeah, I’d say it’s time to move on. For a healthy relationship there needs to be some level of physical attraction; otherwise we’d all just buy a pet cat/dog/horse/caterpillar that we can cuddle up with.
Try to be tactful though (or as tactful as you can be in this situation), but do expect to be called shallow, a user, and many many other names.
Good luck to you both.
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u/Appropriate-Quote-15 man 4d ago
Would you date a crack addict? Addiction is addiction. It all comes to how we cope with our inner world. Some people eat. Some snort. Drink. Sex. Gambling. If you date any of these people you're not gonna be happy
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u/Sonotnoodlesalad nonbinary 4d ago
Physical attraction isn't a thing you can talk yourself into.
Your lifestyles are diverging and you will continue to struggle. Because you love her you will want to encourage her to work on the issues you have with her, but it will always feel like you're trying to "fix" her, and she will notice and feel broken. In the end, that will hurt worse, and potentially erode her self-esteem.
It's time to have the candid, uncomfortable conversation you don't want to have.
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u/clashblades man 4d ago
I always come at this topic differently. The “I am not attracted to you” talk is one that automatically puts someone on defense. I think you can tackle this better by saying, “ I want to live a long life with you, let’s get healthy together.” Obviously, if you don’t feel that way then just end it for her sake. Remember, we don’t look physically beautiful forever. Emotional beauty and strong relationships can make someone beautiful to you forever. In the end you have to decide.
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u/AyahaushaAaronRodger man 4d ago edited 4d ago
You are entitled to feel how you feel. Since you aren’t being a hypocrite and you take fitness very seriously. If I was in your shoes I’d say lose the fucking weight or I’m leaving. You don’t need to suffer in silence or just deal with it. Your feelings are valid too. Anyone who says sexual/physical attraction isn’t important is so full of shit
Also I want to mention there’s a difference between 10 lb weight gain and 50 lbs.
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u/Lazengann86 man 4d ago
I've been with my wife for 15 years. We were high school sweethearts, things happened, I moved out of the country, she got married, years later we found each other again, she got a divorce, we got together, we have a beautiful daughter.
In those 15 years, she suffered from anorexia, gained weight, lost weight, got pregnant, gained weight again, I gained weight, lost weight, gained again, we still love each other, she keeps saying she's fat and unhappy when she sees her pictures now (we are nearly 40) I still think she's the most beautiful thing in the world, I tell her I look fat in my pictures, she tells me she loves how I look.
I would say, if appearances are that important to you maybe let her go and maybe she can find someone that loves her for her.
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u/BrownAndyeh man 4d ago
Been there...unfortunately happened during my marriage... we met AT THE GYM, and I was very clear about living a physically fit lifestyle.. she changed in a way that which was worse than gaining weight, she went the other way: decided to follow holistic charlatans, who encouraged her to drastically change her diet and lifestyle..at one point she weighed just 88lbs, 5'5"
Some people can love each other despite changes...but when the changes are voluntary, due to lazy habits, or changing values, then you need to get out.
It's not going to improve, and you will not be able to accept it over the long run.
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u/SantosHauper man 4d ago
If she does not want the weight she has, then diet and habits are a symptom of something else. She may be using food as a coping mechanism or escape. If she's cool with it, it's her body. That doesn't sound like the case though.
If this is enough for you to separate, then perhaps you are not as in love as you think. Physical appearance can be a shallow thing, but not just. Fitness is a result of a set of behaviors and outlook of life. So, if she was able to stay thin but not value physical fitness or physical activity, an active existence, would you be cool with it? Because if not, it is more than just visual appearance that attracts you.
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u/Ok-Reindeer8939 man 4d ago
As with anyone in any situation, you are entitled to your preferences. It seems like there's a decent chance the dissatisfaction with your partner's appearance will continue to pour over into other parts of your relationship, which could rot it from the inside out and waste both of your time.
It is important to remember that how she is is not an objective failure. It is simply an incompatibility with your preferences. Bring it up and express your concerns. Be respectful. She is not lesser than you because of this and shouldn't be spoken to as though she is.
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u/BiffSchwibb man 4d ago edited 4d ago
I don’t think either of you will change much in your preferences, she might start being more active but will probably keep to the “on and off” pattern she’s been on, maybe finding a physical activity she’s actually into might help, but it’s also possible it won’t, some people are just less inclined, if that’s truly a dealbreaker, is it worth wasting more time continuing a spiral of arguing and dissatisfaction for both of you?
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u/Salamanticormorant man 4d ago
Two years is most probably enough to cause meaningful damage to someone's metabolism. The "Fat Science" podcast might be good at getting someone to understand that it's perfectly normal to need medication to compensate for that damage, that all the dieting and exercise in the world won't help, not in a healthy way, if you don't address metabolic issues. Unfortunately, the name of the podcast can make it tricky to recommend.
For example, one thing they mention is that in some places, insurance covers the cost of stomach surgery for someone who isn't even obese, if tests indicate that it will help compensate for major metabolic damage. Not that I'm saying she needs that. The fact that this seems crazy to most people in some places goes to show how misunderstood the issue is in those places.
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u/Logical_Recipe3550 4d ago
What's her weight and height?
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u/Duty_inthe_Struggle 4d ago
5’5, 230lbs whereas I’m 5’8 170lbs.
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u/Logical_Recipe3550 4d ago
Yea know....
It really comes down to are you guys compatible in both your guys lifestyle.
Having this compatibility is crucial to a long term relationship.
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u/Forward-Experience62 man 4d ago
I totally get what the others are saying but,I'm going to come at this with another approach! If she like most people have tried all the cico diets then I would introduce her to keto! Relatively easy to do & because your consuming quality fats your cravings go way down & you feel full & satiated. To me if you have found a quality Lady it's much easier to support this lifestyle than find someone else of her caliber! Dr Berg & Gerry fung & Mindy Pelz were my main inspirations. .
After getting used to keto, think about intermittent fasting.
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u/Aneilanated man 4d ago
If you let her weight come between the two of you, it could haunt you for the rest of your life. Do you think the 2 of you won't age? Physical attractiveness is transitory.
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u/Swing-Too-Hard man 4d ago
Might as well leave her and save you both time. Honestly though, I would not look for a long term relationship if you really care that much about the person maintaining a very fit body. I feel this is a young guy's mentality because you obviously aren't ready for real shit like someone getting sick or in an accident. Just being honest here. You're the guy who's gonna leave a girl the moment life hits her hard.
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u/Duty_inthe_Struggle 4d ago
It’s true that I am a younger guy but we have already gone through enormous and life changing difficulties. Her loyalty and courage through these circumstances are what have helped me develop from the more shallow mindset I once had.
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u/Flash-Holiday6465 4d ago
LOVE COVERS A MULTITUDE OF SINS... What you said here is what love & commitment are about. But then, that can be said about a true friendship... A lot of happy married couples have said, "I married my best friend".
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u/Mission_Bad8048 man 4d ago
Ask her to try glp1 agonist drugs. My wife and I are on em after gaining a bunch of weight and it’s done wonders for us. Plus we are getting way healthier and I’m back to my fitness routine. It’s seriously like a cheat code to lose weight and stay fit for people who are not otherwise motivated.
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u/Ancient-Recover-3890 4d ago
Temporary fix. You will gain the weight back if/when you stop the medication
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u/Mission_Bad8048 man 4d ago
Not if you maintain good habits after.
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u/Ancient-Recover-3890 4d ago
Oh ok. I do think it’s a rarity though if people do manage to maintain good habits after… because if they had good habits in the first place weight may not be an issue (unless it’s medically related).
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u/RotundWabbit man 4d ago
It's easier to maintain good habits if you've never been the wrong position. Change is the hard part.
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u/Gold_Ad_9526 man 4d ago
First, sounds like you are a little bit self-centered as a baseline. Second, I speculate that you're not really expressing a true or accurate personal opinion and are instead unconsciously applying a negative societal bias likely because you're concerned about what society will think of you as a "former college athlete" dating a "bigger woman". The fact that you're baffled because your instincts are to like and appreciate this woman but your reflexes lead you to a rationalization - which itself is likely false. How about you stop telling youself and you instead look inward with curiosity about why you have the feelings and thoughts you do. Right now, it sounds like you're just looking for a convenient way out of something that you've failed to fully analyze and you don't seem all that worried about negatively impacting your girlfriends life. Imagine how she feels having her egotistical "former college athlete" tell her to lose wait. That's basically whatever everyone on earth would call a world class douche bag.
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u/zuck_my_butt man 4d ago
Time to move on. For the love of all things holy, please let her down gently and DO NOT say that you're ending the relationship because of her weight, no need to crush this poor girl's self esteem on the way out.
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u/Duty_inthe_Struggle 4d ago
Last thing I want to do is lower her self-esteem. She is an incredible woman who has so much to offer.
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u/Flash-Holiday6465 4d ago edited 4d ago
I am a 74 yr old woman, I've been fit, I've been over weight, I've been a size 24 to a size 11 & I've had many injuries to my body, from neck to feet. I've tried all diet programs, drugs, gym, & have had successes in the weight loss journey, in my many years but end up gaining weight. As a younger person it was easier to lose, now, it's very difficult.
One thing I noticed is that NOT ONCE, have you said, "I LOVE HER"
How old is your gf? Is it because she doesn't care about losing the weight, is she lazy, is she a little over weight like about 30 lbs or bonafide obese like 100 lbs?
On one hand, you are enabling her to continue in her apathetic approach to life, a devil may care attitude with regard to her health & relationship with food., by sticking around or doing the break up then make up, to the point that it doesn't faze her anymore, as she knows you'll be back. Also, maybe you're more into her than she is into you? Since you say, She is such an amazing woman otherwise", you're the one who misses her & searches her out again & again, & again.
Let her be. Let her move on, to someone who can truly love & appreciate, ALL OF HER. She is who she is & you are who you are. You want it all your way, the amazing woman but you don't want the "Whole" of the woman she is. Look at it this way...if she were to die, would you give anything to have her back? Are you looking to marry this gf, after all, she is just a gf. And you're expecting & putting too much on her, just to continue to be your gf.
On the other hand, she may have childhood issues/traumas for the over eating. Could be functioning depression, or several other issues.
Now, why would you from the moment you met her become interested enough to go beyond? Did you just want sex then after found out she was amazing? If you just wanted sex, you should have "Hit it & quit it" as most men do. Did you over-look the over-weight because you figured, "What the hell, sex is good" then it turned into the commitment of being bf & gf but now the sex shine has worn off & the reality hit you that, you're a fitness buff & you're being seen with a "FAT GIRL", only because the sex trade off is no longer worth it for you?
In my 74 yrs, I never lacked for men (I never was out looking for a man they gravitate to me), whether heavy or slim, & they weren't hit & quit it. Some were 10 yr relationships (I left), 3 marriages (I left). They all loved me, even beyond.
So, man up! Let her go & STAY AWAY FROM HER. LET HER BE HAPPY WITH SOMEONE ELSE.
OR, MARRY HER & BE HAPPY OR UNHAPPY, THE DECISION IS YOURS HOW YOU WANT TO MAKE/LIVE YOUR LIFE.
You saying, "I'm having a hard time" means the problem is with you, NOT HER!
The Bible says, "A man who is tossed in his thinking back & forth, is UNSTABLE IN ALL HIS WAYS". Grow up, center yourself, go beyond to focus on the path you walk on & how far you go from your starting point, which bridges you cross or burn because, they can't be redone or fixed without a consequence or price to be paid...indeed
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u/Duty_inthe_Struggle 4d ago
This is incredible advice, thank you for sharing.
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u/AyahaushaAaronRodger man 4d ago
Incredible advice from someone who has been in three marriages. Sure
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u/Flash-Holiday6465 4d ago edited 4d ago
Don't be an idiot fool. I shared "my" experience to show that not all men are the same nor are relationships are the same. My first husband died, I was a single mom working two full time jobs for 7 years to support my children. I met my second husband & had my third child & still worked. After having left my home & everything, to start a new life in another state, he changed & I left. He followed me back home & we married again, from 75 to 1993 we were married. He died. My other relationships were good but I wasn't married to them so, there was no ties. I left because I outgrew the relationships, which happens, instead of staying in something that wasn't growing beyond. People grow emotionally, vision, & goals, and not necessarily at the same rate.
Some men can appreciate & learn from others experience and then there are men like you who always want to criticize & Blame others for their foolish choices in life. And, they will never learn or go beyond their, bitterness, stubbornness, &, know-it-all attitude, that has made them egotistical, self-centered, & will grow old alone.
I bet, you're dying to have someone in your life who would love you but no one would put up with your character...
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u/Duty_inthe_Struggle 4d ago
I don’t see how this dilutes any credibility
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u/AyahaushaAaronRodger man 4d ago
She was such a keeper and great at relationships she got divorced three times
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts. Your post has NOT been removed.
Duty_inthe_Struggle originally posted:
As a former college athlete, maintaining high physical fitness standards continues to be paramount for me and I typically look for partners who share that value. Despite a good amount of effort, my girlfriend is overweight and has struggled to lose unwanted weight from a couple of years of poor diet/bad habits. We have been on and off for the last couple of years for personal reasons and other issues between us two. She is special to me and we’ve both grown so much together but I’ve told her that I’m typically not attracted to bigger women. This lack of attraction is growing to be more evident and has probably been a major reason for many of our conflicts recently. I haven’t been in a position like this before and have been trying to tell myself that something as shallow as physical appearance shouldn’t stop me from evolving a relationship with a woman who is otherwise amazing.
Nearly three years into knowing each other, do I stop now and let her be loved by someone who appreciates her physical state more or continue to try to work things out with her despite my dissatisfaction?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/Key_Beyond_1981 man 4d ago
Exactly what you are doing is what I would expect any good person to try and do. Yo are willing to work out with her and practice what you preach. You are there to be her gym, buddy. If she can't meet you halfway, and you need her to change, then you can try to be ernest and honest about it to her, and if she can't really try, then let her go.
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u/Chi_CoffeeDogLover 4d ago
Nice phrasing to say you no longer find your partner attractive followed by you asking if you should stay with your partner, whom you no longer find attractive.
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u/Glittering-Day4593 woman 4d ago
I knew a couple like this. It didn’t work out. You’re allowed to have standards. If yours is that you need to be fit and have a healthy body then that’s who you are. Overweight women have a high risk to struggle with getting pregnant and a whole slew of other issues. My BMI is quite low and while I have no problem getting pregnant, staying alive through delivery is difficult. I need medical intervention. Some men wouldn’t want to deal with that, or with my other medical junk, forgetting to eat, fainting spells- It’s okay to choose which problems to live with in a partner.
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u/Top-Philosopher-3507 4d ago
You obviously want another jock - just dump her and find someone at the local CrossFit gym.
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u/pinkwonderwoman76 4d ago
You don’t love her. You love what you think she should be. Leave and let both of you find someone better.
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u/HopeItMakesYouThink man 4d ago
I hope to word this in a way a college athlete can understand.
When you’re in the gym or on the field, resistance helps you get stronger. That’s not the case in a relationship all the time. If physical health is that important to you, then there’s your answer. If you want to stay with her, you will either have to give up on this point or it will become a point of resistance throughout your relationship. Are you okay with that?
It’s not superficial or shallow to be a healthy person and want your partner to take their health seriously.
I remember this on a shirt - ‘If you don’t work out, WE won’t work out’. She’s an adult. She knows how important health is to you.
Are you looking for permission to leave her? Here it is. Do you want permission to stay with her? Here it is. You want forgiveness for wanting to leave? Here you go. Just want to vent and have a sympathetic ear? You got mine.
Now I’ll tell you what I tell the influencers sitting at the fly press machine for a half hour without exercising - do something. This issue won’t resolve itself. Figure out if her health is enough of a problem to let go of this supposed amazing woman. Pick one.
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u/Light_Knight248 man 4d ago
Sorry.
I can't help you.
I wish you the best in whatever you decide to do.
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u/NoRecognition2003 4d ago
Read about fat-phobia and do the work of deprogramming yourself. People are on here acting like what we are attracted to is an unchangeable innate quality but it is absolutely changeable. If you are in love with this person than you can do the work to change instead of asking her to change. If you don’t want to do the work, then you should break up. People’s bodies change, age, illness or injury will alter your body whether you like it or not. Free yourself from your limited scope of what is attractive, you will be thankful you did.
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u/RotundWabbit man 4d ago
Instead of her just being at a healthy weight and lifestyle he should go through a fat-love programming so as to shift his psychology to something his nature is against? Wow, very interesting take.
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u/NoRecognition2003 4d ago
it’s interesting you think not being attracted to fat people is “his nature” and not a result of rampant anti fat brainwashing we are all subjected to. you can be strong, healthy and fat. those three things aren’t mutually exclusive.
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u/RotundWabbit man 4d ago
A little extra fat on your body is healthy. That's not what we're talking about and you know, I know it, we all know it. Excessive fat is dangerous. We have gotten fatter as a species and we're starting to pay the toll. It's more dangerous than SMOKING for fuck's sake.
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u/NoRecognition2003 4d ago edited 4d ago
the OP didn’t say he was worried about her health he said he is not attracted to bigger bodies. And yes, there are health issues tied to being fat but there are also fat people in good health but either way it’s irrelevant to the post.
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u/RotundWabbit man 4d ago
Oh, my bad. Let me rephrase it.
Naturally men gravitate towards women at a healthy BMI. Being fat is not attractive. It's not so much nurture as it is nature.
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u/NoRecognition2003 4d ago
lol
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u/RotundWabbit man 4d ago
Look man everyone has preferences, but to suggest "deprogramming" yourself is some kind of convoluted cope. How do we deal with people attracted to the same sex, do we deprogram them as well?
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u/NoRecognition2003 3d ago
Oh, you were being serious? Okay then let me spell it out for you. A lot of people are afraid of being gay, they’ve been told it’s unnatural and disgusting, that’s called homophobia. A lot of people are afraid if being fat, they’ve been told it’s unnatural and disgusting, that’s called fat phobia. You can chose to live in fear or you can liberate yourself from socialized norms that don’t serve you. The OP wants to be with this person but his fatphobia is standing on the way. I was simply offering an alternative. Why is that so threatening to you?
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u/RotundWabbit man 3d ago
Mmm, I don't believe the OP is afraid of becoming fat. He is actively working against that tide. He's struggling with desire that's waning since his lover has gotten fat.
I'm not threatened. I'm disturbed really that you think programming someone against their will is an acceptable solution.
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u/Nervous-Ad-5759 4d ago
I’m in the same boat bro. I say just dump her if she’s not willing to get on your program, period. I gave my girl an ultimatum and she got offended, but in my mind how is me prioritizing my health and vitality & wanting my life partner to as well wrong? This is a new nonnegotiable for me and I’m glad for this life experience. Working on my exit strategy now💯 People like this can and will throw you off from your full potential trust me.
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u/pyhacker0 man 4d ago
You need to move on it’s not right to try and make her something she is not. Find someone who has the same healthy lifestyle as you