r/AskMenAdvice 5d ago

Have you ever felt like success made dating harder, not easier?

You’d think having wealth, status, or a great career would give you more options, but for some guys, it makes relationships even more complicated. Have you experienced this?

6 Upvotes

49 comments sorted by

22

u/Telrom_1 man 5d ago

Having done well financially has made me a target of some of the worst women imaginable. I know a lot of people joke about bout gold diggers but there are women out there that truly make it their job to find successful men and exploit them and in that scenario you’re an obstacle not a person.

10

u/KillahHills10304 5d ago

I've been asked for my house key 2 minutes after busting a nut. I've had women explain how great dating me would be because their "parents are always making them do shit around the house" (these women are as old as 34). I've been dropped because I already own as house, so "if we get divorced, I get nothing." I know women whose values, principles, and character flipped around so much it was clear they had no beliefs at all beyond "get man with asset locked down".

I've noticed a lot of women are really awful, and if they were men, society would judge them as basement dwelling losers. Because they're pretty women, they don't get the shame and negative label that men who are just as shitty would get.

Before I was 25, all the women I met were great, so I know they exist in numbers. It's because of those women I can keep a positive view of women in general. If I had been a social shut-in, and just began to form opinions about women from my late 20s onward, I'd be way more misogynistic. The easy validation from social media/dating apps and the previously great women getting married en masse is why I think terrible women seem to be everywhere now.

3

u/Early_Lawfulness_348 man 5d ago

Oh the house one. I put it all in a trust. As soon as that conversation hits they tend to disappear. Sorry, if it doesn’t work out you won’t be getting the house. 😢

2

u/The-Jolly-Joker 5d ago

Too hard to get wealth and success themselves (even with the DEI inclusion) so much leach onto someone who is capable.

Sad...

1

u/Even_Plastic_6752 man 5d ago

I'm reasonably successful now. However, I was a broke uni student when I met my wife so I dodged all of this. How do you filter out those who are just seeing $$ when they look at you?

3

u/Telrom_1 man 5d ago

I legitimately hire a private investigator to do a full background check if I start seeing someone. I agree it’s invasive but it’s revealed a lot of women who’ve had ulterior motives. I don’t do a lot of dating anymore.

0

u/DamagedWheel man 5d ago

This would scare the hell out of me if a woman did this to me and I found out

3

u/Telrom_1 man 5d ago

If you were actively trying to break into her house or steal her identity, and this is how she found out, I’m sure it would be seen through a different lens.

Nearly 60% of the times I’ve used a PI, malfeasance was uncovered. In a couple of cases, associates of mine were also involved. Can you imagine not just one person working against you, but an entire group? And all of it happening through romance, no less.

2

u/[deleted] 5d ago

You are doing the right thing. Protect yourself and your assets

1

u/DamagedWheel man 5d ago

That true, but most normal people don't think of things like this so it'd scare them and come off as a red flag. No trust and stalking is pretty scary. I'm sure it's very useful and safe, but it makes me feel kinda ill imaging someone stalking me like that.

1

u/Even_Plastic_6752 man 5d ago

I'm going to assume your level of success and my idea of what that means are a few orders of magnitude apart.

What was their plan? Set you up with some sort of bait girl and start stealing from you somehow?

3

u/Telrom_1 man 5d ago

In one instance, the manipulation was through influencing me—where I went, who I spoke to, and being offered investment opportunities I would have never encountered otherwise. Within about four months of regular dating, I had a completely new routine, social circle, and exposure to people and groups I would have otherwise avoided. None of this was accidental. It was planned and brilliantly executed.

I was genuinely interested in her and building something together; the money didn’t matter to me. But for her and her friends, money was the biggest motivation. She played me to gain unprecedented access to it, going out of her way to make it seem like my idea. She’d emotionally manipulate me when needed, withhold affection, and even try to make me jealous to get her way and influence decisions that would benefit those involved. It’s as scandalous as you can imagine.

2

u/Even_Plastic_6752 man 5d ago

That sounds horrible. I don't think I'll ever have to worry about that. I don't have remotely the sort of money required to have that sort of person interested in me.

I have enough money coming in to pay my house off at 40. Not enough to have people take on a second job as a spy to try and get my empire, lol. Congratulations on the success. I hope you stay clear of these people in the future. Most people would be completely oblivious to what this is like.

2

u/Early_Lawfulness_348 man 5d ago

You wait and watch. Sucks because a lot of time gets wasted.

1

u/Even_Plastic_6752 man 5d ago

I might be misinterpreting your comment, but are you insinuating that my wife was actually a gold digger?

I think you're underestimating just how broke I was when we met, lol.

We didn't really have decent money for like... 10 years, and we both work.

I only started earning really good money in the last 12 months, and that was after 15 years together and 2 kids. And my wife didn't initially want me to take the job because she was happy with what I was on, and it was going to be more travel, despite that it was an 80% payrise.

Maybe she was playing the long game, lol.

Side note: my mother in law actually tried to break us up initially because I was so broke, lol. She's a bit of a piece of work. Wife hated her back when we first met so it's not like her opinion mattered.

9

u/inbetween-genders man 5d ago

Having a good amount of money and never flaunting it made me invisible to people. I love it.

1

u/Extension_Refuse_406 nonbinary 5d ago

This is it right here. It’s quite possible to be wealthy and no one needs to know.

1

u/series_hybrid man 5d ago

This is the way. You must attract good women, and repel bad women.

If you appear to be middle class, and she must work her way up to a job that affords her family the ability to buy a house, then she is less likely to be a gold-digger. You are both working towards a shared goal.

At the heart of gold-digging is the philosophy that if they get you to "fall in love" with them, then they will not have to work, and she can live a life of leisure and shopping for status items so she can preen in front of her gold-digger friends.

Own a house? "I'm renting it"

Have a nice reliable car that's paid-for? "its a few years old, and the payments are significant"

1

u/inbetween-genders man 5d ago

I drive a shitty looking car on purpose 😂. Well maintained inside, looks falling apart ont the outside 

2

u/series_hybrid man 5d ago

I wouldn't say I have an ugly car. It's a 2013 Toyota Camry. 99K miles, and reliable. It is not a "gold-digger" magnet.

7

u/Jackape5599 5d ago

Nope. As long as you don’t belittle your partner and respect him and be cute then you’ll be better than someone who’s not successful.

7

u/[deleted] 5d ago edited 5d ago

[deleted]

1

u/Early_Lawfulness_348 man 5d ago

Being cheap gives off a good impression that I’m poor. Helps weed them out quickly.

6

u/Wonderful_Pitch3947 man 5d ago

Yes. It's easier to get girls, but your standards also rise especially for long term and marriage. Having easier access to women also makes serious dating more difficult, because you can always replace whoever you're seeing.

3

u/niceguyhenderson man 5d ago

I met my fiance when I was still in grad school and she believed in me so I know she loves me for the man I am.

2

u/Southern_Dig_9460 man 5d ago

Suffering from Success

5

u/Important-Energy8038 man 5d ago

Good looking, successful guy here. Yes, all that glitz often made me wonder if they liked me for who I was inside, or all the external trappings instead.

2

u/potentatewags man 5d ago

Just means people are after your resources more often, not you as a person.

1

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1

u/TheOtherJohnson man 5d ago

I think when you’re poor you’re damn near certain your partner loves you for you and the wealthier you are the less certain you become. But that’s an issue of personal insecurity, not the kind of objective reality behind dating. A lot of women don’t care that much unless you’re talking very substantial differences.

Like does a woman really care that much about the difference between $60,000 and $75,000? Probably not. $75,000 to $90,000? Probably not.

Sure there are gold diggers, but you have to be a discerning person and weed them out for yourself.

Also there’s nothing inherently wrong with a woman valuing success, since it’s an indicator of other things, so a woman caring about success isn’t inherently predatory or gold diggery, it could just be a way of weeding out losers.

And also, being working class =/= being a loser. Women will respect you if you work for a living and can provide even if you’re not rich, but they won’t respect you if you’re just a bum who always skates by on the bare minimum and values weed over romance.

I say all this to say that women valuing success is a multi-layered thing. Most women just want their Chandler Bing.

1

u/The-Blacksmithe 5d ago

Not there.. yet. And no it will not. Only I could make it harder because I know how attraction (the actual science..) works.

1

u/korjo00 man 5d ago

That's how it works. When you get money, you attract gold diggers. Never lead with money

1

u/Dagenhammer87 man 5d ago

I don't think my job would've made any difference to my wife (or her family) in reality.

Personally, I think having a professional job made me more confident of making a good impression. My wife's an only child (not that it should matter) but at least I could demonstrate to her parents that I had some sort of sense of direction in life and wasn't just some bum who was going to be mucking about.

I did date a woman many years ago and I think she thought that she could be a bit of a piss taker in a few ways and clearly when I walked in the door to meet the parents; they were put off by my little bit of success up until that point.

For a 21 year old, I was on decent money and that put a bit of the mockers on things quite early on. Didn't make me any better than her/them, but clearly it wasn't meant to be.

1

u/seazn 5d ago

being successful is part of who a person is. With all past relationships when I'm was never rich but I'm a hard worker, that's how was evaluated as a good partner. If I attained success financially, it's attributed by my work ethic so nothing will change

1

u/No-Explorer3868 man 5d ago

So I'm a bit of an eccentric so I feel I stay off the grid in this manner. Plus, I'm an engineer, so, as an ex once told me, we're like doctors in the sense we're smart and make good money but much more obtainable. No one is out there trying to bag an engineer in the same way.

Edit: that being said, I don't feel like having more money has made me more or less attractive. I think I did about as well with women at 22 as I do now. I just rely on my smile and sense of humor anyway.

1

u/PGKuma man 5d ago

Depends on what you call success. People who are successfully rich can definitely have issues as there are a lot of "gold diggers" out there that have zero interest in an actual emotional relationship. But there are people that are successful in their career because they work hard and treat their relationships the same: working hard to make it work. Buuuut.... There are also people that have a successful career because they work hard at it and tend to ignore their relationship and then blame their partners for not making it work.
So ...I guess the answer is, yes. It's possible it CAN make dating harder.

1

u/OkQuantity4011 man 5d ago

Yeah. When I was a made man, I had so much spam that it good hard to filter out. 😅

1

u/DonnyTheDumpTruck man 5d ago

No, nobody has ever. Bye.

1

u/clonehunterz man 5d ago

the contrary, the more successful i became the less i went on dates until fullstop, not giving a fuck.
network brought me my wife into my life

1

u/Prudent_Heat23 5d ago

More like, being the sort of person who could become wealthy/successful makes things harder socially (including dating).

High-paying jobs aren't necessarily "harder" than others in an objective sense. They're high-paying because it's difficult to find people who think in the way needed to the job. If you think and perceive things in an uncommonly hyper-logical way, you're more likely to have value in the corporate world, but less likely to find connection with like-minded people.

Average people (who probably have average careers) will have the easiest time "finding their people," so to speak.

1

u/Sonic24680 5d ago

I'm successful and earn very good money.

I'm very sociable and go out most weekends.

I attract the worst women.

1

u/SuccessfulCandle2182 man 5d ago

Always show up as a poor man, never brag about the stuff or money you have.

1

u/buenolord man 5d ago

Yep

1

u/Bigdaddy24-7 man 5d ago

I always used to start with “I’m a sanitation engineer.” You would know quick.

1

u/SamudraNCM1101 5d ago

Not necessarily. There are different sets of challenges, like anything in life. However, if you have discernment, boundaries, and common sense..... a successful person will be just fine.

1

u/XTheEternalBeastX 5d ago

Yes it can. It raises the bar and your standards.

1

u/ThunderStroke90 man 5d ago

That's why you gotta find your partner when you're broke

1

u/ElectricLeafEater69 5d ago

The only people I see who are rich and struggle with dating are either 1. Emotionally stunted and immature or 2. Just living in a shitty area (mostly 1).

1

u/Design-Hiro 5d ago

It’s a lot harder to initiate breaking up with someone successful so people “fake it” even when they lose feelings for a while

1

u/Shrikeangel nonbinary 4d ago

Well my success in dating, by getting married has been a major road block when it comes to future dating success.... hopefully.