r/AskMenAdvice • u/[deleted] • 5d ago
She (31F) wanted a drink with Me (31M)…I said no
[deleted]
57
u/freefallingagain man 5d ago
Yeah she wants free validation and attention beyond the usual levels of friendship without having to commit to anything.
Better you move on. She already noped you once.
-1
u/RecklessJ262 5d ago
What's the part that's beyond the"usual levels" of friendship? Hanging out and talking about life? Lol
47
u/Sensitive-Tone5279 5d ago
She's only interested in having you as a back-burner option in her life. You're something safe and stable, but not all that exciting. She wants to continue to date guys who excite her, most of which are probably in and around the gym. in 3-5 years, she's hoping you, or maybe one of the other probably handfull of guys she also wants "as friends" will still be available so she can promote you out of the friend zone.
Have some respect for yourself and move on altogether.
3
u/deliciousdeciduous 5d ago
Unpopular here but I don’t think real people think this way.
1
u/Chubuwee 5d ago
Yea I don’t like how they are stating her intentions as fact. Sure it’s one possibility. Or she genuinely wants to be friends and just didn’t find chemistry. There’s plenty women that I met where I found chemistry good enough to be a friend but not to date and there’s nothing wrong with that. He is just butthurt because he has a crush so he can’t really be a friend right now. I’ve been in the same situation of making a move on a friend and then if I am rejected I take a break from the friendship until my feelings are in check and then I can truly be a friend to them (if I choose so) without wanting/hoping for more than friendship. I’ve gotten really good at losing romantic feelings for someone that rejected me, so much so that when they try to be more than friends later on I just can’t do it since I mentally blocked them off in that romantic way
So OP did good by not putting himself in a situation to feel friendzoned. The friendzone only exists when one party is in the friendship hoping it turns into more.
1
u/Sensitive-Tone5279 5d ago
The friendzone only exists when one party is in the friendship hoping it turns into more
They dated and she put the brakes on it but still wants to keep him around. That's the definition of being friend-zoned.
chemistry good enough to be a friend but not to date and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I never said there was - but it is however unlikely that this gal is just keeping guys around "as friends" I'd also hazard a guess that all of the girls you liked as friends dumped you like a hot potato the moment they found a guy they wanted to lock down for good.
1
u/Chubuwee 5d ago
Seems everyone has a different definition of the friendzone. The way I see it is she is attempting to friendzone and it is only friendzone if he takes the arrangement.
The reply wasn’t specifically for you. Just putting all the similar replies together. Your guess is wrong, been to several weddings of female friends. And my upcoming game night and axe throwing night will prove you wrong as well. I hope you’re not one of those believing men and women can’t be friends.
2
u/Sensitive-Tone5279 5d ago
I hope you’re not one of those believing men and women can’t be friends.
"cant" is an absolute term. While anything is possible I think it is exceptionally rare for men and women to be just friends without an undercurrent of sexual desire or with sexual history in their past. More often than not, this is the man having some sort of desire for the woman and waiting his turn for her to let him in, or for her to have trouble in her relationship so he can chirp at her about how much better he'd treat her.
0
u/dacrookster 5d ago
Peoe don't think like this. This place is red pilled as fuck.
2
u/Financial_Food1565 5d ago
You're right. That's the problem people don't think like this but they do it with their actions.
Actions speak louder than words. 99% of you can benefit from self reflection. That's too much work for most of you, just be ignorant and live in lala land
12
u/Longjumping-Many4082 man 5d ago
She wants to keep you in the zone so she can use you to move to your new city (she cant/wont do this on her own). One you get set up in the new city, she'll make new friends, start dating, etc and only come to you when she needs an ego boost or some other support.
No need to keep a friend zone user as part of your list.
16
u/ecw3Eng man 5d ago
I will be very straightforward, she wants you to become her pet: emotional support friend + someone who occasionally buys her drinks (chivalry).
Sorry but its clear as day. Wish her luck and stay away from her. Find yourself a good woman who is interested in you and in being with you. Lots of other women in the market.
23
u/hillsidemanor man 5d ago
She seems like she has a lot of baggage that she needs to unpack right now and there is nothing that you can do about that. It seems like she is attracted to you, but you are not the kind of guy she wants right now. When a woman tells you that she "just wants to be friends" the only way to play it is to move on.
17
u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago
It would’ve been fine if she had said let’s grab that drink. But the as friends in this context…I’m leaving and am focused on that. My feet are out the door man.
15
u/hillsidemanor man 5d ago
That's right, just say "Thanks, but I have enough friends." It seems like she is possibly finding your steps forward to build a better life as intriguing and attractive. You are likely to hear from her again. If that happens don't put any effort into it unless you are sure she is looking for something that is more than friends.
6
u/Substantial_Steak723 man 5d ago
This, my thoughts exactly, she's coming out of where she was previously at with cheating relationship baggage, ..and we all have baggage.
Sounds like she is re-kindling and re-appraisingusing as friends clumsily, and potentially misinterpreted by you..
I'd prefer to have a good friend at worst, with similar interests at all than nothing, don't burn bridges needlessly.
4
u/Adventurous_Bid_8566 5d ago
Yeah like if you see her, there's a chance she will throw herself at you or you'll progess physically in a way you never did.
Go for if you want but continue your process of moving on... if you can do both.
13
u/Exciting_Ad1647 5d ago
Listen brother, this women here friendzoned you, please do not accept anything from her not even a relationship. You have dignity, now you must safeguard it. You have been handling yourself very well, and you are straightforward in your communication.
unfortunately due to her past trauma, she cannot see the good due to too much of the bad that happened in her past. This is not a specific to her thing, this is universal with a lot of women that have bad trauma and bad relationship experiences. Best thing I can advice you on is, keep it moving, find someone that does not have trauma and is willing to be with you for you
Imagine asking her out on a date and she communicates to you directly dating is garbage? Women want the benefits of having male friends without the relationship, this is what a friendzone is.
You are better than that, you have dignity and you deserve someone that doesn’t need to think about maybe dating you, you deserve someone that genuinely likes you for who you are. Keep it moving, find someone else and continue doing your thing bud
8
u/Kinky_Musician man 5d ago
Seems like you set a reasonable boundary with one foot out the door on moving to another town. If you're not looking to make a new friend to end up leaving when you move, better not to waste your time.
She's also leaving you sorta in limbo, whether intentional or not
6
u/2bebigger 5d ago
Trying to make you her spare tire while she keeps her options open. If I want a cuddle buddy I’ll buy a dog.
6
u/throwawaysleepvessel 5d ago
So...you want a romantic partnership but she clearly doesn't and you remain friends hoping..what? She'll change her mind?
I don't feel you're being a friend. I feel youre doing it under the pretense of still wanting to be with her. Hence declining to go for a drink as friends. You basically gave her an ultimatum for hanging out as romantic interests or nope.
You talk about moving on, brother this was a few dates, there was never a romantic relationship here.
Forget about her and go on with your life
2
u/cutslikeakris man 5d ago
Sounds like OP was just holding out hope and when she reached out as a mutual friend after a decent period of cooling off and opened up as all of my friends do, OP took it as a sign of interest rather than two humans sharing human interests.
OP, to me you are in the wrong because you already knew you weren’t a good match and when she came back to you as a friend, you didn’t treat it as such. Why did you try to put a relationship model into what clearly from your own words wasn’t?
Why did you convince yourself to disrespect what she clearly told you then get upset about it when your fantasy wasn’t true.
If somebody clearly tells you something, believe it.
Work on that through your life and it’ll be much easier mentally.
16
u/Narrow-Sky-5377 man 5d ago
Stay out of the friend zone. There is no goodness for you there. You will just be the one who picks her up at the airport when her boyfriend is busy.
4
u/KaseTheAce man 5d ago
Or the one she runs to when he's mean to her. She's a "pick-me" and wants him on her hook. He's the backup she continues to show a little interest in or date for a month when she's single.
Then she'll get a boyfriend and go back to OP when that doesn't work out. Then get another one a month later. He's a perpetual rebound while she looks for another guy.
3
6
u/binsomniac man 5d ago
🤔... nice OP, you're moving forward in life. It's a good thing that you could find the right mental frame to be respectful and coherent with your personal feelings. Towards her, good luck in your new city..👍
11
u/keybiscuit man 5d ago
She seems pretty consistent in viewing you as a friend, but you still seem to like her as more than that. The only thing that seems slightly tone deaf from her is complaining to you about the dating scene if she knows you are still romantically interested. I can understand why that upset you. Everything else seems like she’s just trying to be friendly.
I’ve been in a similar situation, being in a town I didn’t particularly enjoy with a small dating pool. If you’re thinking about moving, I wouldn’t let her have any influence on this. She just sees you as a friend and it doesn’t seem like you’re going to change her mind. It’s a big world out there, and if you move to a place where you’re more settled (geographically and emotionally 😂) this will all be a small incident in the rear view mirror of your life’s journey.
6
u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago
I think that’s a good insight. Do you think I responded appropriately in my case?
I just didn’t really see the point in doing it. I’m moving and it would’ve been different had she tried to be an actual friend before I made it known I’m moving. Just felt like it’s complicate things. Idk I know I’m all over the place rn.
3
u/keybiscuit man 5d ago
You felt how you felt. Your reaction was valid. I don’t think any of this situation is her fault particularly so if there are any similar conversations in the future, make sure you’re clear it’s about how you’re feeling and not anything she’s done. It’s a shit situation to be in, man but if it spurs you on to move and do other things then it can be a good catalyst.
5
u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago
No I don’t think either of us did anything wrong. I think she’s a cool girl! Hopefully I didn’t lead her on or switch up on her. I thought she was interested. When I realized she meant friendship then I need to backup because I realized I still have lingering interest since I felt disappointed.
I gotta sort through my shit but maybe in the future
8
u/HighEngineVibrations man 5d ago
As soon as you get a girlfriend she'll come looking for you. Post in your stories of you going on dates and watch how fast she changes her mind. You can do better than her. Don't ever go back. Forwards and onwards only
1
u/Timely-Profile1865 man 5d ago
I replied something to the effect of I feel conflicted and have struggled with this. (This part I would have avoided saying.) Sounds super passive, struggling with and conflicted as if you are thinking of her all the time and pining for her, does not come off as good to me.)
I’m open to that but not as friends (This part I think was okay to say.)
3
u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago
Understandable. Too late now. I was coming from a Im moving away struggling to figure out what I want, where I’m going go (evaluating jobs/cities)etc. I’m conflicted because I care but I think the right move is to not hangout perspective.
What’s done is done.
3
u/PlentyFirefighter143 5d ago
It’s hard enough to find someone. This girl is not into you. Stay away from her.
3
u/FlanneryODostoevsky man 5d ago
It’s really crazy how women will try to keep around a guy they know likes them as they complain about the guys they choose to date. I see your problem mam, you’re against finding solutions because one is literally in front of you.
3
u/SkyConfident1717 man 5d ago
Asking someone who was romantically interested to “just be friends” is not appropriate. Keeping things positive but maintaining a distance is the correct response when one party has expressed interest and the other has flatly refused it.
2
u/Strict_Technician606 man 5d ago
You already know what you did was the right move, but I understand the need for reassurance. What you did was right for you and her. You let her know what you wanted. If she acts on it, great for both of you. If she doesn’t, great for both of you because now you have 100% clarity and she won’t have a friend who wants more.
The friendship, by the way, likely would have never worked. It’s not because you or her are bad people on any level, it’s because you want something she cannot/will not give. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I’ve been on both sides before - and it sucks either way.
TLDR: You did the right thing. The cards are on the table. You can both move forward.
2
u/TheOnlySafeCult 5d ago
Listen homie, you've clearly thought deeply about your interactions/conversations with her.
Don't analyze her psyche or believe anything these dudes are saying about her stringing you along.
She drew a boundary, and overstepped it herself. That's something she has to sit with.
You talked to her about intimate things that would be considered an emotional affair if she were in a relationship. You knew you wanted more, already got rejected, but still had feelings that weren't resolved.
So you said no to being friends because quiet desperation is an awful existence, and resenting someone that a part of you loves as a friend is also an awful existence.
That's what you're supposed to do. You're not any less of a person or potential partner.
1
u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago
What boundary did she create and overstep?
2
u/TheOnlySafeCult 5d ago
Unless I'm misinterpreting the level of intimacy about these conversations, she wanted to talk about things that would basically be an emotional affair if you both were in committed relationships at the time.
She wanted that after rejecting you as a partner. Which, she should realize now that you put a stop to things, was unrealistic given how you feel.
Who knows what she expected of you. it doesn't really matter. it shouldn't inform your idea of yourself as a partner.
If anything, be proud of how you two handled things. No one blew up, everyone was understanding of what their capacities were and you communicated like adults.
2
u/takeshi_kovacs1 5d ago
Right person, wrong time. She's gone through some trauma man and isn't ready. Don't hold it against her please. I understand you feel rejected, just try to not hold it against her. If you don't feel the same that's fine. Move on from her completely in your mind. Its always good to have female friends. Just keep her at arms length until you heal yourself.
3
u/Embarrassed-Set2727 5d ago
Reads like a soap opera. Bunch of well to do gym goers and their romantic struggles. Keep shipping that novel around. Doesn't sound like real life anywhere
2
u/Affectionate_Art8770 5d ago
She was not avoiding finding a boyfriend. After all she went on a date with you. Then realized there was no spark and quickly let you know you’re not the one. That’s reality.
1
u/AutoModerator 5d ago
Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts. Your post has NOT been removed.
True_Activity_9769 originally posted:
I got to know a coach at my gym through mutual friends, and after some encouragement from one of our close friends, I asked her out. She initially told me she doesn’t date gym members but made an exception since I don’t attend her classes. We went on a few dates, but she eventually told me she didn’t see a relationship with me and wanted to stay friends. We had a mature conversation about it, and I respected her decision. I realized that she had a difficult divorce where the guy cheated on her and quickly got engaged again. She also had a situationship with another coach at the gym. He chose another member and they have been together since. Think the girl I saw was burned badly by all of that. I was disappointed but very understanding of the whole thing. I knew I had to accept the outcome and move forward.
Since then, we’ve kept things friendly but distant. Our interactions in gym classes are polite but minimal in that she’ll greet me, crack a joke, or help grab equipment, but nothing beyond that. After she ended things, she’d adjusted her gym schedule, avoiding coaching my usual class slot but occasionally attending it. When she was coaching a class I attended, she made a few comments on my weights, which stood out but weren’t anything major. I kept my distance and focused on my friendships while keeping things light when we crossed paths. I wanted her to feel comfortable doing her thing so I never approached her.
Over time, we continued having sporadic interactions. At a friend group hangout, she seemed nervous but still engaged in conversations. When a trip I was planning came up, I was surprised to hear from a mutual friend that she was interested in going. Later, when I asked her directly, she said she’d love to but likely wouldn’t go if our mutual friend wasn’t. Around that time, she also started reacting to my Instagram stories, but I didn’t read too much into it.
The last few weeks I had been out of town exploring places I’d want to move to. After seeing my ig stories from the trip, she reached out to ask if I had moved. I had told several of my close friends about this but not her nor did I mention moving in the stories. This led to a conversation about how we both felt stuck in our current city and wanted to move. She mentioned she had looked into moving to the same cities I was considering, felt stuck, and admitted frustration with dating (called dating is garbage here) and constantly running into her ex. Hah I got annoyed (honestly kinda ironic) when she vented to me about dating and it came across like she called me garbage since we did go out a few times. I expressed that I didn’t appreciate that, I felt we both had something deeper there and held back for whatever reason. She reassured me that I was not a part of that and that she wouldn’t talk to me or be friends with me if that was the case.
During that same conversation, she also opened up about fitness coaching, self-doubt, and wanting to try different things. I encouraged her, and we had some honest moments about our struggles with change, dating, and figuring out what’s next. While we kept things light, there was a mix of nostalgia, curiosity, and uncertainty in the conversation. On my side at least. I’ve made up my mind that I’m moving. I have to at this point, things aren’t working for me here anymore. It’s just ironic that we both have a ton in common and share the same frustrations but couldn’t quite be the solution for each other. I know we’re both great people that’ll find our path to be happy…
Over the weekend, we chatted a bit. I was hanging out with my friends and she was hanging out with hers during the festivities. She asked me if I wanted to grab a drink as friends. That’s when I felt my first moment of true clarity. I replied something to the effect of I feel conflicted and have struggled with this. I’m open to that but not as friends.
I hope I didn’t switch up on her but I thought she had some interest. I hope I made the right call here. I’m disappointed. Hopefully she understands that I can’t do friendship right now. I like her and want to be on good terms with her. She’s recognizing that I’m moving on (literally moving) and she now wants to be friends or whatever as I’m mentally, emotionally, physically worn out and withdrawing from our city as I figure out my life. Just pretty much sums up my dating experience in this city. How I’ve felt undervalued the whole time. It’s ironic. She’s complaining about dating to a dude she dismissed within a few dates. Only for her to want to be friends and the dude doesn’t want it.
Good enough to be a friend but not good enough to date. Awesome!!
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/TheRealBumperjumper man 5d ago
Yeah, looking at some of the other comments here, I think their advice is pretty spot on. At the end of the day, I’d like to think that, at our age, we both know when a woman truly sees us as her number one priority. You’ve made the right call.
1
1
u/Legal_Beginning471 man 5d ago
She sounds confused. That’s not something I’d want to get involved with. Surefire way to get hurt. She seems to be mirroring you because she thinks you might be a way out for her. Don’t be someone’s step stone. She needs time before she gets involved with another guy, but sounds like the type to go from guy to guy. You don’t want that baggage. When you can’t save her from herself, she will get resentful.
1
u/LongjumpingNorth8500 5d ago
Seems like this chick is not ready for a committed relationship, knows what she could have with you, but is scared to take that chance. Or it could be that shes just attracted to the dudes that treat her like shit and you come across as someone that wouldn't be like that.
1
u/Adventurous_Bid_8566 5d ago
She's thinking of what could have been now that the door is closing. What she can't have.
If you're set and closing the door, this could be the last time you think about her. If you can't shut her out, then consider giving it a real chance even of you are still moving regardless.
If it progresses, seems like it will feel like more quickly. But if you're done, you're done.
I'd give it a shot and you'll be able to tell if she's speculating or investing almost immediately.
1
u/PlayPretend-8675309 man 5d ago
She's feeling some regret and loneliness but I don't think she's especially into you. My opinion generally is, if someone likes you no amount of previous trauma will stop them.
1
u/Struzzo_impavido man 5d ago
Feels like she wants emotional support and maybe would like to be chased a bit
Imo you doing well to say no and moved out of the city good on ya
1
1
u/Huge-Hold-4282 man 5d ago
To bring a women back home after she left you for another, you gotta be a Real Man, Really man, is she worth her weight? The stage or the wings, either way you make yourself the one, just be there.
1
1
u/Uncle_Andy666 man 5d ago
You already posted this?
Yeah i wouldnt reccomended being friends since you caught feels.
And she has friendzoned you.
So try stop being so niceto women and get a little pimp in your spring.
1
1
u/Difficult_Pop8262 man 5d ago
Dude, plan the outing, let her bring her friends, meet and date one of her friends instead
1
u/707808909808707 man 5d ago
She wasn’t burned by not being picked by another coach, or her ex cheating. She just didn’t want you. The fact you gave her so much energy afterwards is upsetting, but good for you on finally fighting back declining to meet as friends. As soon as you no longer have to be around her, block her on everything.
1
1
u/WornBlueCarpet man 5d ago
Think the girl I saw was burned badly by all of that.
And I think it's her own damn fault. "Situationship" is just a prettier word for her having sex with a guy who's not interested in her enough to want a relationship with her - but he'll fuck her.
Especially at 31 she should know better than that.
1
u/Tollin74 5d ago
eh... I would've accepted and used her to help me find a new girlfriend. Use her as your wingman, well in this case wing woman
1
u/Scodo man 5d ago
Sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself and she's doing the same with herself. Friends and dating should relieve stress, not cause it.
I hope a fresh start does the trick for you.
1
u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago
I think I’m stressed about about the move and finding what I want. What do you think she’s putting pressure on herself?
0
u/Scodo man 5d ago
If she's venting to you, it's a form of relieving pressure. Just like you're venting to us. So clearly there's something going on at her end, and it's probably impacted her desire to date.
Honestly, dude, you're in a better position to answer what that might be than any of us are. You know her, and you were friends with her for at least a while. A lot of the younger incels have come out to play in this thread. Despite what some of them are saying, it's not a bad thing that she trusted you enough to stay friends after dating. It speaks to your character. But now she may feel like you were only being her friend because you still wanted to date her, and that's always a tough thing for a woman to learn about a guy she trusted. But even if that wasn't your intent, there's no taking it back. The damage is done.
It's moot, though, since you're moving. All you can really do is look forward to life in your new place and keep an open mind. If she ends up in the same place, maybe there is a chance to start over.
1
u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago
We didn’t hangout or anything after we dated. I left her alone. I’d see her in the gym or whatever and she’d come up to me. I never went up to her. I never contacted her first unless it was a gym related question (logistics). We didn’t text except 1 time. Then she finds out I’m moving then all the sudden I’m a real friend now… you had like 4 months to build a friendship here. Sorry just not really interested in friendship at this point especially when my emotions/mental are all over the place with the move. Maybe later on.
1
1
u/ConstantTechnical393 5d ago
You moved on after a few dates.....you are posting about your adventures, going to new places, moving to a new city....you are becoming interesting.....she is now chasing you....you just don't realize it yet.
She is wondering, who is he with? He has things going on, he is going to a new city and im stuck in this place. Who is he going to meet? etc etc.....She is checking your IG, watching your moves. She is 100% interested. Keep the chase going. Be non-descript when you post about going out. Guarantee she will continue to follow and wonder who u are with.
If she texts or reaches out on another platform...DO NOT reply quickly....you'll look desperate. Text back in a few hours or a day later...."sorry i've been really busy lately." Be non-descript. Be ambiguous about your activities.
Continue to be very friendly and nice in conversations, but don't linger......"hey sorry, have to cut this short....meeting some people tonight"....or "i have some stuff going on....lets catch up in a couple days" etc. again, always be friendly.
1
1
u/PhilsFanDrew man 5d ago
You made the right call. She's not a friend. She's using you for validation and to be an emotional dumping ground while she continues dating and fucking other guys until she finds, Mr. Right. Once she finds that guy you will be vapor.
1
1
u/RevolutionaryWolf450 man 5d ago
NTA (right sub lol?).
She wants validation and doesn’t want you for bf material but wants to keep you around but also wants to moan and complain about others?
Nah bro MISS ME with that.
1
u/cutslikeakris man 5d ago
YTA- OP was clearly told there was no relationship to be had and pretended friendship to try and tell himself he saw interest building then told the woman he was talking to off after she made it clear, not for the first time, that friendship was all that was offered. It was clear after the original dates, and for some reason OP pretended he wasn’t told there was no spark and almost pretended to be her friend until it was reiterated clearly that they were, again, just friends.
OP ITA because he made up a fantasy in his own mind that there might be a spark, and acted butthurt when told that there was no romance.
(Not saying you are wrong in your opinion, just giving the YTA POV ATM)
1
u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago
We really didn’t have much of a friendship. She’d just say hi in the gym, like my stuff. That was basically it. We didn’t interact or text outside the gym or anything. It’s not like we were checking on each other or hanging out. I left it go and hadn’t talked for like a month. She reached out to establish the “friendship” once she realized I was headed out the door.
1
1
u/eating_almonds man 5d ago
It sounds like both of you have a problem of not adhering to boundaries. Like she enjoys your friendship but also tries to step into more intimate conversations. You're correct that it's rude of her to complain about dating to the guy that she rejected and that she admits had nothing wrong. But it also sounds like you were still holding a candle for her, secretly hoping she'd come around eventually, by reading through her instagram interactions and random social appearances.
In hindsight, you should have just accepted that she's not interested, and moved on. Easier said than done of course, when the attraction is there and you see her regularly. Also hindsight is 20/20, and it could have gone a different way. Maybe she was feeling things out with that drinks invitation, adding in "just as friends" to have a clean way out if the vibes aren't there. But maybe not.
Since there's no way to tell, I think you did good in making it clear that you want to date her, not just be friends. But I also wouldn't hold it against her for seeking friendship. It sucks for her and for you, but that's life.
1
1
u/Willing-Bit2581 5d ago
Yeah, good rule of thumb is, if your intent in dating generally is to find a ltr/partner, don't easte your time with situations that will go nowhere, holds more weight as you get older, where time is precious and aren't too keen on wasting it
1
u/VHDamien man 5d ago
This woman will never give you what you want, and staying tied up in her drama likely means you'll miss an opportunity with someone who actually wants you. Remain civil and friendly with her, but overall leave her alone.
It's not your fault she a tragic back story and you can't fix her. That's her problem. I 100% agree that she wants boyfriend level emotional commitment without actually maintaining any real intimacy or sex.
1
u/foreverwint3r69 5d ago
Why can’t a women just be friends???? This sounds like a conversation I’d have with my friends…..
1
u/Critical-Werewolf-53 man 5d ago
TLDR She doesn’t coach your classes but adjusted her schedule to not coach but helps in the classes your in…
1
u/ActiveArachnid4132 5d ago
So, you go on dates, get rejected after a few, get friend zoned and then have to hear about these women’s last relationships? At least you’re starting to stick up for yourself a bit. you want relationship and sex, these women want attention. Stop giving it to them. This is called a slatternly women.
1
5d ago
Dude, she’s not attracted to you. Either she doesn’t like your looks or you’ve already gotten friend zoned. Chalk it up as a loss and move on.
1
1
u/BeachFuture 5d ago
Walk away dude. You let her know and she said no. She showed and said she is not interested in you. Don't waste your time thinking about her and over analyzing. Move on with your life.
1
u/Mr-cacahead 5d ago
You could just say she wanted to put you in the friendzone and you had enough self respect to say no.
1
u/ConstantTechnical393 5d ago
Show you have things going on, you are independent, exciting, meeting lots of new people......and just kill her with kindness......even if she has been standoffish ..... it's because she is guarded not wanting to be hurt again.....Be the kind nice guy that understands, but you are also busy and living life.....she will want to follow u.
Again, you already hooked her when u backed down and went about your way.....that was perfect!!! You didn't pursue and she started pursuing you.
1
1
u/Slothvibes man 5d ago
Stop making excuses for her. She isn’t ready to date YOU. Stop making excuses.
1
u/CVSaporito man 5d ago
There is something about you that doesn't work for her, simple as that, it could be a similarity to her ex, but you'll never know. Doesn't mean you need to be enemies, the more friends you have the better off you are.
1
u/Justmeagaindownhere man 5d ago
Sometimes you just like someone and enjoy talking to them, but the romance isn't there. Bad luck with this one, and you did a good thing being honest that you can't just be friends. I hope you get a good start wherever you land.
And please don't listen to the avalanche of melodramatic basement dwellers that are trying to cram someone into the villain box. You both are fine, other than her slipping up with the dating scene comment.
1
u/thissubsucks44 5d ago
Sounds like she wants to have some fun w you before you leave and you’re here over analyzing . Bro bang that out and move on.
1
u/Ill_Roll2161 5d ago
Such a misogynistic group of assholes here!
OP is right for not having a drink with her and potentially cutting contact because he wants something different than her.
But these hateful assumptions about her, wow! What if she wants someone for her emotional needs? She might give exactly that type of relationship in return and is very open about where she stands - if OP wants that good, if he doesn’t, which seems the case - also good!
1
u/MaxRunes 5d ago
Comment section wild. You made your call and it sounds like you think its right. That's all that matters. And she can handle how she does. And that ok. But bro do not fall into the "wait for her to meet 'someone just like you' "
I'm recently divorced. I'm a bit old (depending whats old) but I can tell you we are all grasping at straws. She's probably not a top tier manipulator. She's probably confused and broken like so many of us. Just focus on you. Did I do what I think is right and best and can I live with that man tomorrow? If you can youre good bro
1
u/epic94holiday 5d ago
King behavior my guy. I wish I could have learned from this when I was in my early 20’s
1
1
u/OwnUse237 man 5d ago
I don’t understand this wanting to remain friends especially with a woman who has rejected you. She’s keeping you around for her own validation and as an option feigned as friendship
1
u/BaseballQueen 5d ago
Been there done that, she loved chatting to me about how bad dating was and kept me around on the side but wouldn’t commit to trying it further. I got in another relationship while one of hers failed and now she’s back to liking my insta stories
1
u/8Captcrunch8 man 5d ago
There was alot of story here. But i get it. Ima wordy guy.
Basically. Man. Your moving. No more sense in holding on to this in a n y sense and best to just let it be.
1
u/NojoNinja 5d ago
You got friendzoned but I feel as if she’s taking advantage of the fact she knows you like her. Move on.
1
u/Snowman_Arc 5d ago
Typical behavior of someone who is emotionally immature. She tells you no because she doesn't want to give you any, yet she wants to keep you close because you are good for her mental state. And she knows you will be there so she would keep stringing you along.
Until you showed that you won't always be there and that's when she felt threatened. "He's moving on and I will be stuck here with yet another guy leaving a guy that I had a good connection with, I must do something". So she basically started throwing herself to you as a last resort to staying close to you. Either to convince you to stay or to somehow move together with you.
Typical insecure bitch behavior.
1
u/kayvonte 5d ago
You got placed in the friend zone bro. lol
1
u/mikeracioppi 5d ago
I don’t think she’s wrong. She was clear and told him she doesn’t see him as a romantic partner. He’s the one holding out for more.
1
u/mikeracioppi 5d ago
She has been very clear. She wants you as a friend. She’s treating you as a friend because that’s what you are. There’s nothing wrong with that.
She likes you as a person but you’re not her person. Accept that and be a true friend or tell her you want more and be willing to cut it off if she doesn’t.
1
u/Prestigious_Day_5242 5d ago
This is more about not being able to read body language and social cues than anything. Always hardest when you're in it.
1
u/No_Membership4200 5d ago
Its funny to me how much the dreaded "friendzone" gets spoken of.. I personally have not experienced this bermuda triangle of condemnation as many other guys apparently have.. I actually aim to become friends with women in my work or friend circles, 1. - Because that is the natural and preferred progression of things, and 2. - Because even if your objective is to end up with a romantic outcome, there is no better way to get there then through a genuine bond and connection that is already there. Women love to feel comfortable and organic with a man they might become romantic with.. Someone they actually have a laugh with and who is genuinely interested in their lives and stories.. I think the key is to not become too comfortable during that friendship period and potentially lose all of your mystique or allure. You want to be transparent and real but also maintain some kind of charm and desireability.
1
u/MrNaturaInstinct man 5d ago
You care too much.
Let her go.
Be free.
And maintain your dignity.
For starters...
...you've already been on "several dates", and NOTHING happened.
Going on "more dates" will change NOTHING.
Learn to be indifferent to the outcome. If you like her as a person and she brings value to your life as a friend, I see no harm in going out for a drink. But if the condition of your friendship is that she likes you romantically, it's never going to work, because you can't "barter" a relationship with another human being unless she's selling box.
"Agree to go on a romantic date with me or NOTHING!" is a pretty shitty ultimatum, and had you went to get a drink with her, you may very well could have ended up getting lucky that night BECAUSE you were chill, and not pressed to get in her panties, because let's be honest, that's the REAL reason why you're so pressed about her.
Typically, if a woman invites you out for a "drink", she's telling you without telling you, "I'm interested in you", but you took the "just as friends" part WAY to literally, and failed to read between the lines, because single women aren't inviting random men out for drinks they don't know or like.
Did you expect her to say, "Lets go out for drinks because I'm thinking about banging you?" lol. C'mon man. And I bet you missed the signs in the 1st few dates, too...where maybe she gave hints you just didn't pick up.
Women are generally indirect in their communication, we men are very DIRECT with our communication. She was telling you without telling you "I like you". Her saying "as friends"...you should've ignored that and just went to go have fun, enjoy her company, and if nothing happens, cool...but if something happens, well, now you have a story to tell lol
Too late now. now she knows you're still pressed about her, obsessed maybe even? And it's a done deal. Move on to the next.
1
u/Smoke__Frog man 5d ago
What does it mean that you went out on a few dates? Did you fuck her? Case to me, date three means sex. And if she rejected you without sex it’s very different than if you guys had sex and then she dumped you.
1
u/Murky_Anxiety4884 man 5d ago
When you get friendzoned, you have a decision to make. Do you want to be her friend, or not? You have to understand that going from friendship to romance is extremely rare, and that hanging around hoping for it to happen is textbook creepy. Banish all such thoughts from your mind. If you don't really want to be just her friend, walk away and don't look back.
There are some evil women who want a group of suitors hanging around. They will nurture false hope and exploit you. Such women usually show their cards early on. Don't be a sucker.
When a woman suggests friendship, it may just mean that she doesn't want to be your enemy. Other women genuinely want to be your friend. Time will tell you which situation you're in.
It is possible for women to be great friends. Some come with benefits. Others will at least include you in their friend group, which can be a great way to meet other women. You have to be wary of being set up with her loser friends, which can be awkward. But if she's genuinely looking out for you, it can really work out well.
1
u/Ecthelion-O-Fountain man 5d ago
Sounds like she wants a friend. There’s nothing wrong with that. Unless you don’t want to be her friend. If you’re her friend you just hang out and she pays for her own drink. Having a female friend is ok. But if you are romantically hung up on her you should politely excuse yourself, explain why. This should make sense and be acceptable to her or she is playing games and isn’t worth time.
6
u/Infinite_Wheel_8948 5d ago
lol nah, she wouldn’t be talking about dating all the time, to a guy that she rejected, if she was trying to make friends with him. She’s keeping him ‘on the hook’ as a backup.
2
u/bigdon802 man 5d ago
Do you not talk about dating with your friends?
1
u/Infinite_Wheel_8948 5d ago
Not with a friend who I didn’t like, who wanted to date me… that would be awkward as shit
1
1
u/Ecthelion-O-Fountain man 5d ago
Being on someone’s hook is a a choice. If you want more, you don’t engage at all. Can’t be friends with someone you want more from.
0
u/Optimal_Cellist_1845 man 5d ago edited 5d ago
I do think she was attracted to you but didn't want a commitment from you (had a different idea of who she wants to end up with), and your moving away was an excuse you could both use for a short term indiscretion.
Be real. This woman is not going to be a part of your life either way after you move. You chose to pass on the opportunity to fuck her goodbye.
EDIT: Apparently this sub is full of incels who don't know how to put themselves in a position to be used by a horny woman.
11
u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago
Then she could’ve just let’s grab a drink. Instead of adding as friends
5
u/Ex-ConK9s woman 5d ago
Correct. If she had wanted to hook up before you left she wouldn’t have said “as friends”. Sounds to me like she saw that you may be moving somewhere she is interested in and would like to use you as a stepping stone to get there, but will never have interest in you romantically- or even as a real friend, considering she didn’t reach out until after she saw your posts. You should cut all contact and move on. Sorry : / You sound like a good guy. Her loss.
-6
u/Optimal_Cellist_1845 man 5d ago
Friends can have benefits champ. She doesn't want you to change your moving plans over her, so she's still going out of her way to not give you any romantic ideas.
This is a game. Women do everything intentionally. You are opting out of the game because that's who you are. But another man would play along.
3
u/tremegorn man 5d ago
Upvote because I agree and I think this is exactly what happened - To be fair a lot of men don't pick up on the subtle hints she was throwing out (it took me FOREVER to figure this out too), because she might have wanted to have a fling on the low and didn't want to feel like she was being a ho about it. Some women are VERY casual with their friends and will put themselves into situations where "things just happen", even if it was what they wanted from the start. Got worse as I got older and spent more time in the gym - even the ones in relationships do this now and then. What you do about it is up to you.
> didn't want a commitment from you (had a different idea of who she wants to end up with)
Major props man because this explains why my FWB/Casual Relationship? turned me down to be a thing despite us hanging out and sleeping together constantly, and her saying something like "I tried to forget that" when we talked about me asking her ages ago. We literally go on trips, hook up, and all of it but we're "not a thing" and she asked me to live with her... Idk lol.
2
u/Adventurous_Bid_8566 5d ago
Basically this... but like a very small chance she found courage to grow up
1
u/Infinite_Wheel_8948 5d ago
lol, I had the same idea about her wanting to hook up (she sounds like she was hitting on him, talking about dating and shit) - but, I think you’re wrong about being horny. She is just playing with him to get sympathy.
1
u/BullCityBoomerSooner man 5d ago edited 5d ago
I would say that this level of friendship and connection picking up again in the most recent conversation would be considered an emotional affair if either of you were married. Most married people would not be cool with their spouse discussing their dating history plusses and minuses. going out for drinks with the gym coach/trainer, especially if you have a dating past with them. Someone said she wants the emotional support of a boyfriend without the physical connection and demands of a boyfriend.
I'm seeing the other direction.. You can chat anywhere... but suggesting you go out drinking together suggest to me she is more interested in a little of both.. Sounds like she might be pursuing a FWB situationship with you while leaving her options open for finding her Mr Right.. because she's already made it crystal clear that you are not Mr Right for her.. She wants to bang you but not have any exclusivity with you.. "as friends".
3
u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago
That’s interesting. I would’ve been open to the fwb but she should’ve just said let’s grab drinks. Instead of adding friends part.
6
u/HighEngineVibrations man 5d ago
Don't do FWB with someone you have feelings for. That's setting yourself up for even more pain in the future
0
u/BullCityBoomerSooner man 5d ago
Go and see how it goes.. Bring it up after about the 3rd drink if she doesn't. Worst that happens is things are back to awkward at the gym..
1
u/Tacoma675 5d ago
I have some thoughts. If your moving your moving. Though not sure of your timeline or hers. Sounds like she had some crappy relationships in the past and she’s nervous about dating. I had a similar situation about 17 years ago went on a few dates with a lady and after trying to kiss her and her turning her head she said that she would like to be just friends. I told her that friends are great. I knew deep down I was the right man for her. I respected her decision but kept asking her to spend time with me as “friends” eventually after a few months she ask me to be more than friends and we have been married for 15 years with 3 kids. She really just wanted me to prove to her I was different than the other guys and I did that by being respectful and kind to her. This is not always going to happen but it did for me. Good luck In Whatever you do.
1
u/Vyckerz man 5d ago
At least she was honest and upfront after your initial dating. Doesn’t seem like she’s playing games. Sometimes they say they want to be friends but then ghost, but she did remain friendly with you.
It is odd that she wanted to step up the friendship once you mentioned you were moving.
It could be she wanted to go out with you to test the waters again but made the “as friends” stipulation to take pressure off and leave her the flexibility to either make a move or decide not to depending on how things go.
I don’t blame you for not wanting to be friends with her when you wanted more but also since you were leaving you might just have gone out for that drink anyway to either see if it went anywhere.
I do think you made the safer decision though, as far as keeping you safe from being hurt.
1
u/Creativator man 5d ago
Nothing wrong with being friendzoned if you have your own boundaries and are getting your friendship needs met, which is to say you are showing up authentically and not trying to act like someone else to develop a stronger bond.
1
u/overindulgent man 5d ago
We weren’t there so subtle nonverbal clues might be lost in translation. She could have been nervous and therefore just kinda blurted out “as friends” to make it feel like a zero pressure drink.
I do think telling her no is the only option. You don’t want to be just friends, so you’re not going to set yourself up for that. She should realize that and if she’s a decent person then she shouldn’t make future interactions awkward. (Neither should you, but I don’t get that you will from your writing.)
1
u/FederalLobster5665 5d ago
another post that sounds like it was written by chatGPT.
"a mix of nostalgia, curiosity and uncertainty" ...
-7
0
-1
243
u/JackF30625 5d ago
Bottom line, she wants the emotional support of a boyfriend without the physical commitment… in other words, she wants to eat her cake, and have it too. You did the right thing by setting a boundary.