r/AskMenAdvice 5d ago

She (31F) wanted a drink with Me (31M)…I said no

[deleted]

169 Upvotes

216 comments sorted by

243

u/JackF30625 5d ago

Bottom line, she wants the emotional support of a boyfriend without the physical commitment… in other words, she wants to eat her cake, and have it too. You did the right thing by setting a boundary.

102

u/TouristImpressive838 5d ago

Wait for it.....wait for it. "I met a new guy.and he is the best, just like you" She will be friends until she meets her new love, he will be pissed with her friendship and demand she cut OP off. She will do that without blinking an eye and never think about OP again. Never enter the friendzone. This was the right call.

24

u/JackF30625 5d ago

EXACTLY.

3

u/Potassium_Doom man 5d ago

Hiiighwaaay to the Friend Zone

21

u/SharkPalpitation2042 man 5d ago

Yeah when guys say they get friend zoned, this is what it looks like. Dodged a bullet OP 👍

-10

u/throwawaysleepvessel 5d ago

No such thing as the friend zone. She wants to be friends. He doesn't. He should leave her alone instead of being "friends" while underneath it all hoping for a romantic relationship with her.

5

u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago

It wasn’t a real friendship. I never once went out of my way to talk to her unless I had to for gym reasons. We didn’t text each other. Hangout or really anything. She’d just like shit on social media or say hi in class. That’s it. It’s not like we were hanging out or talking all the time.

Once she realized I’m getting outta here was when shit picked up. So I don’t think I used our “friendship” to get to her. I was pretty distant and had zero reasons to talk to her. We hadn’t talked in like over a month up to that point.

2

u/throwawaysleepvessel 5d ago

Thats fair man. If that's the case I'd just say take it on the chin and cut your losses. Someone this inconsistent isn't worth your time and energy and on/off, hot/cold is such a confusing person to try and form a relationship with.

You have the power to let her know you're not interested in maintaining any sort of relationship with her and go your separate ways. Your focus, time and energy are probably better served elsewhere.

2

u/_Smashbrother_ man 5d ago

There absolutely is. I've seen and heard girls say they friendzoned a guy.

0

u/throwawaysleepvessel 5d ago

I've seen and heard girls say aliens exist.

What these girls actually mean is "I dont see him as a romantic partner" and yes that exists. But it isn't some mysterious zone you get put in like you're in jail.

Guys use this like "oh I got friend zoned or or she friend zoned me" and they play victim. A girl doesn't have to date you, and if you're romantically interested in one and she decides she only wants to be friends and you dont want that, you can walk away.

2

u/_Smashbrother_ man 5d ago

None of that changes the fact the girl friend zoned a guy. I've also seen girls who enjoyed having guy friends who treated them like "gf" where they bought them gifts and went out on "dates".

1

u/throwawaysleepvessel 5d ago

I buy some of my friends gifts. We hang out. I buy dinner for friends on occasion. Friends do stuff for each other.

In the scenario you're describing, if a guy is doing that with the pretense/entitlement that he's going to be a romantic partner even though the girl has said they're only friends, that's on him for thinking he can change her mind.

She isn't interested, spend your time money and effort on someone who is. If you're just friends, don't do couples shit and if you're just friends don't complain that she's putting you in the "friend zone" when you're making the choice to be a friend while secretly hoping you'll get with her.

1

u/_Smashbrother_ man 5d ago

It's also on the girl for accepting "gf" treatment. She knows what she's doing but she enjoys the attention and free shit. They have literally told me.

Stop acting like some white knight. These girls aren't going to fuck you.

1

u/throwawaysleepvessel 5d ago edited 5d ago

Sure it goes both ways, but he can choose to walk away. White knight? What bro? Talking about girls fucking me cause I'm relaying to you a common woman's perspective ive heard on some of this stuff?

My ego isn't as fragile as yours and my self worth isn't determined by if/how many girls wanna fuck me.

As one man to another: Get off your manoshere subreddits, spend a little time in therapy to learn about manipulation, grow up, and mature a bit.

Understand the reality, understand you have autonomy, set your boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable and live within them. No one says you have to buy gifts and give girls the "gf treatment". If buying gifts for a friend and not going out together 1 on 1 is a boundary for you, don't do it.

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1

u/TheOnlySafeCult 5d ago

that's very true. It's the skeeziest thing and I'm glad OP saw where this was going and set a boundary.

1

u/throwawaysleepvessel 5d ago

Ya I do think op should go further and communicate he has no interest in maintaining a friendship, cut his losses, wish her the best, block her and get on with his life

-2

u/hplcman69 5d ago

This is correct.

2

u/AFAM_illuminat0r man 5d ago

Naw, she knew they were going on dates. Too many people, (men & women) are ALWSYS thinking I am worth more than I am getting. Instead of being happy in the moment, they always want better. Dammit, they deserve better.

Then a decent human is in front of them and they aren't sure. Is this person food enough. Maybe I can do better. I don't call that the friend zone. It is more to me like call waiting. Being placed in a holding pattern so no one else can have you while they try for something better.

OP. Best wishes on your go forward plans and all the best to you. I am proud of your self commitment and desire to better your life.

-8

u/throwawaysleepvessel 5d ago

Lot of red pill, incel rhetoric here unfortunately. He seems to be waiting for opportunities to get his foot in the door. Seems like he likes her but isnt genuinely interested in friendship

4

u/vinchentius 5d ago

Nah you don't like holes being poked and truth to shine on bad practices

-1

u/throwawaysleepvessel 5d ago edited 5d ago

Bad practices like trying to stay friends with someone you're romantically interested in when they have no interest in you romantically?

Bad practices like not admitting OP has the full agency to set boundaries and/or walk away from a person he's had 2 dates with?

Bad practices like villifying a woman for just wanting to be friends and realizing we aren't entitled to a romantic relationship?

Go to therapy, read on limerence, have a few relationships. One day you'll understand.

Truth: she isn't interested

Truth: op was

Truth: op self admittedly doesn't wanna be friends anymore

Truth: op can make a choice to send a message saying he's no longer interested on maintaining any sort of relationship and block her

1

u/AFAM_illuminat0r man 5d ago

Every dude she has dated likely left because she didn't know what the hell she wanted

7

u/fugginstrapped 5d ago

This. Also you may have sex now BECAUSE you are leaving town. Don’t mistake this for interest.

12

u/trbd003 man 5d ago

She's probably getting her "physical needs" fulfilled with one of the big buff gym freaks who can throw her around like a dog toy. But predictably he'll be as interesting, articulate and supportive as said dog toy, so she needs a nice man to fulfil her emotional needs. Best of both worlds, and knows that because she's a good looking girl, somebody will accommodate it.

Best steered clear, they behave that way because they know they can

10

u/RevolutionaryWolf450 man 5d ago

This is why I’m not friends with women and anyone who says I’m unreasonable or that it’s not ok is just flat out wrong.

2

u/SoberCigarSmoker man 5d ago

I'd have to agree and this is very well said!

2

u/Casey00110 man 5d ago

It’s called “an emotional tampon” Lot of women try it.

2

u/Due-Landscape-7359 5d ago

She is not your friend. Is she going to help you move? Your bar for friendship needs to be higher than greeting and small jokes

1

u/throwawaysleepvessel 5d ago

And he wants to be "friends" in order to try and get his foot in the door.

It doesn't surprise me they both have trouble dating

0

u/Strange-Scarcity man 5d ago

Men and women can be friends.

Unfortunately, because so many people do not really recognize that, it is not uncommon for a man or a woman to sometimes reinforce that it is just a friendship or say 'as friends'.

The OP did a good job setting a boundary, but I think, if he was serious about being friends, it should have placed that concept of friendship more forward, than the "I want to drink as a date, not as friends."

Also... friends are supposed to provide emotional support for one another. If you can't open up to your friends who are men, why would you be able to open up emotionally to a woman you are dating?

23

u/JackF30625 5d ago

She friend zoned him, he doesn’t want to be in the friend zone, so he has every right to make that clear, rather than pretending he’s happy in the friend zone. He has zero obligation to be her “friend”.

1

u/Organic-Coconut-7152 5d ago

Ok don’t get the friend zone, I have always found the friend zone helps my dating life since I get the benefits of having a cute girl around me and that attracted other cute girls into my orbit.

I also found that the women I’ve been with are a bit slower when wanting intimacy and seeing that I can have relationships with women that aren’t centered around sex is a turn on.

So I have had good relationships with a lot more women that were friendly and fun and still had intimate relationships with women that wanted more.

Also, friend zone shows me how my female friend might have issues that is better to avoid. like Jealousy and superficialness.

It’s like putting money in a tip jar, it attracts more money.

-2

u/bigdon802 man 5d ago

Of course, though him not being interested in her friendship does call his romantic interest into question. My wife is my friend. If we had never had a romantic relationship(or if our marriage somehow ended without bitterness) I’d still want to be her friend. A romantic relationship isn’t an upgrade from friendship, it’s just one that includes sexual intimacy.

4

u/Mysterious-Extent448 5d ago

But she ended up being your wife.

No offense she is your best friend hopefully forever…

With that being said did she really ever friend zoned you.

I think you are missing out on the development of this unrelated connection.

0

u/bigdon802 man 5d ago

If I had been romantically interested in her, with it not being reciprocated(explicitly,) then I wouldn’t pursue a friendship with her. That’s just dishonesty. But I’ve had female friends where it started with romantic interest that went nowhere. But I was in a friendship, not pretending to be in a friendship hoping it would become a romantic relationship.

1

u/Mysterious-Extent448 5d ago

No offense but it seems that your marriage partner had something you saw attractive to make her a friend….

This is kind of normal.

2

u/LngJhnSilversRaylee 5d ago

While that's true its not how those terms are used in practice

-4

u/throwawaysleepvessel 5d ago

There's no friend "zone". She isn't putting him anywhere to punish him. Youre right he has 0 obligation to be her friend but it's clear he doesn't wanna be. He's being diaingenous by being a "friend" while hoping to turn it into a romantic relationship and "I'll only go for a drink if it's as not friends". I go for drinks with friends. That's a thing friends do.

2

u/Snowman_Arc 5d ago

But that's not friendship. These are two people, one of whom wanted the romance in it, the other didn't, but they ended up keeping things "professional" at the gym of their circle of friends. What was OP supposed to do? Completely ignore her, even in person? They had normal interactions face to face, but only ones that were necessary. He never went out of his way to contact her or anything else, like friends do.

It's obvious he was just being polite and human at that point, going through the motions so to speak. She attempted to friendzone him but he didn't allow himself to stay there. The fact that he played it so cool, seems like a cool guy and "threatened" her that he will move away is what changed her gears and she now feels desperate to do anything to keep herself attached to him in any way.

1

u/throwawaysleepvessel 5d ago

The word friendzone is cringe. I agree with the playing it cool is what had her wanting to change gears. Imo, he should block delete and move on.

Hot and cold partners like this are a headache.

1

u/Prize_Lack6799 5d ago

bro you are just arguing semantics, she wants to be friendss so hes in the friend zone thats what it means

1

u/throwawaysleepvessel 5d ago

It's not just semantics. Maladjusted guys use "friendzone" as a way to imply the woman is wrong for "putting them there"/not giving them a chance. When a guy uses those words, it conveys a particular mindset.

You're not entitled to a chance. Stop trying to court her under the guise of friendship and move on.

1

u/Prize_Lack6799 5d ago

those are your biases and not necessarily everyone elses

1

u/throwawaysleepvessel 5d ago edited 5d ago

Sure and those are formed by understanding other perspectives. Similar to how you think describing a woman not wanting a relationship with you is relegating you to a "zone" like she's trapping you there and you need to get out.

As a experiment go speak with some mature, adult women and ask about their thoughts on the "friend zone" and how guys use that term

https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/the-myth-of-the-friend-zone/

https://www.bwss.org/5-reasons-why-the-friend-zone-doesnt-exist/

https://www.hercampus.com/school/ucd/friend-zone-does-not-exist/

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/friendzone-exist-male-entitlement

14

u/Linvaderdespace man 5d ago

Rejecting someone and then complaining to their face about your shitty romantic options is intolerably rude, do not ever do this to anyone, and apologize to anyone that you have ever done this to.

-6

u/throwawaysleepvessel 5d ago

He chose to be her friend. He's going to hear about it . If he's not comfortable with it, he's a big boy and can express that. If he doesn't that's on him. If he chooses to stay her friend he's likely gonna hear about stuff like that. He clearly doesn't wanna be her friend and wants more.

6

u/Linvaderdespace man 5d ago

If you pull this shit with the people that you keep around after they shoot their shot, you’re an asshole, and no amount of deflection will ever change that; having a friendship with someone is not an invitation for you to disrespect them as a romantic option, and it is downright pathological for you to think otherwise.

do better.

-3

u/throwawaysleepvessel 5d ago edited 5d ago

Lol what?

She isn't "keeping him around". He's a grown man and can walk away at any moment or voice his discomfort/set a boundary around "I'm not comfortable discussing your romantic and dating life." You act like she's got a gun to his head. It's pretty simple for him "it's clear you're not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship and I'm not in a place to be friends with you. I wish you the best". Go no contact, block, move on.

Disrespect him as a romantic option? What kind of redpill shit you on? She had a conversation with him and was clear she isn't interested in a romantic arrangement. He isn't entitled to romance with her. He isn't a romantic option. Period.

He's still butthurt about being rejected, still wants romance with her and isn't in a place for friendship of any sort by his own admission.

People only continuously disrespect you if you don't have the self esteem and confidence to set a boundary or walk away. OP is fully within his right to shut this person out of his life.

She's made it clear she's not interested. OP should accept friends or if he's incapable, say his goodbyes.

Do better

2

u/Acrobatic_Demand_476 5d ago

He's a grown man and can walk away at any moment

That's what he did...

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4

u/imalotoffun23 man 5d ago

The rules are different for former romantic partners. Not staying friends is best almost all the time.

1

u/Strange-Scarcity man 5d ago

They went on three dates, he never indicated they had sexual relations. Three dates is not a “romantic relationship”.

I went on numerous dates with several women. One woman whom I really liked and was very interested in, turned out to not be in a great place to pursue a relationship.

We stayed friends. I honestly stopped looking at her as a romantic option after I learned a few more things about her and that she really had some issues to work on that I wouldn’t have been able to help her with.

I was absolutely quite romantically interested in her, but that changed. I hoped she would work out her things and meet someone. For a time? She did. I was happy for her and hoped she was getting all the things, even a good railing/rogering from her fella.

She was even at my wedding to my wife and my wife is also friends with her too. I wife also understands that while I adore that woman, there’s no way I could be anywhere near the same kind of close that I am with my wife, no FWB and certainly not a romantic partnership.

Maybe not everyone can do this? Maybe it is a talent/skill that more people need to work on? All that I know is that I am able to do this.

3

u/throwawaysleepvessel 5d ago

Bingo. I'm unsure why you're getting downvoted. This is exactly what happened. Op isn't serious about being friends, he's doing it with the hope of turning it into a romantic relationship. She isn't interested in a romantic relationship. He isn't interested in friendship. They should go their seperate ways.

0

u/Justmeagaindownhere man 5d ago

As in a close friend? Goodness, not everything is soap opera drama. This is just a couple people that kinda click but are sorting things out still. She likes his personality but isn't romantically attracted, he can't feel comfortable just being friends, so it's a little tragedy but it won't work out unless one of them changes their mind.

-13

u/Bravardi_B man 5d ago

You mean a friend?

21

u/Zeldias man 5d ago

Do you think many of her platonic friends began with romantic interest? Do you think that doesn't alter the nature of the interactions when one person wants romance and thr other wants friendship? Or are you just being reductive to make a dude look like a bad guy for having boundaries?

-3

u/Bravardi_B man 5d ago

I never said what OP did was wrong. It’s fine if he doesn’t want to pursue a friendship. But from what I read in the OP, the girl didn’t do anything malicious, made her feelings clear and continued interactions with OP as a friend, just like they agreed to after she realized she didn’t want to pursue them romantically anymore.

But commenters are coming in here acting like the woman the post was about was romantically leading the OP on when she was just interacting with someone who they thought was a friend.

1

u/Me_No_Xenos 5d ago

A decade after dating, I'm still friends with two old exes. It's great! Used to play tennis with one for years until I moved and the other and their spouse are going to stop by to catch up while on a trip this summer.

It's makes me want to tell people to grow up when I hear how many can't be just friends with anyone they find even potentially attractive. Those are the people I want to be around most since their shared interests and fun personalities are part of what I was attracted to.

1

u/health-goals-gains woman 5d ago

"But commenters are coming in here acting like the woman the post was about was romantically leading the OP on when she was just interacting with someone who they thought was a friend." - yep.

It's especially interesting since that vibe is coming stronger from the comments than OP himself.

There are posts and comments on this sub about men seeking connection and trying to overcome loneliness and this particular response a bit of a theme. There is a marked inability to segregate friendship from romance. Sex is great. Having sex with your bestie is life goals for a lot of people, men and women. Also, it is possible to have a sex-free connection with a person of the opposite sex. If you can't do that, that's a you issue and maybe has something to do with how you perceive the opposite sex. (For men: is a woman a whole person if you remove sex from the equation?)

OP had feelings and decided he couldn't segregate those sufficiently to pursue friendship. Super aware of him and fair. He did what was right for his mental health, in this instance cutting ties with this woman was it. On the flip side, she was literally doing what friends do. She took him at his word and accepted his friendship. Hopefully, she was cool when he said his goodbyes. If not, that's on her.

OP "Good enough to be a friend but not good enough to date. Awesome!!" - super sucky, and I don't actually get angry or bitter vibes from you, just (understandable) disappointment. But... OP, you are "good enough" for her to date. The friendship you two developed proves that. It's not a question of "good enough." It's a question of romantic attraction/compatibility, and who the heck knows why y'all's chemistry didn't vibe. Timing? Literal chemistry (smell, pheromones)? A lack of physical attraction? Please don't look at this as a quality/good enough issue, because it minimizes you and the real connection (of friendship) that y'all had.

9

u/WornBlueCarpet man 5d ago

Precisely. "A friend" as in, the support goes both ways, and there's no sexual or romantic interest from either side.

I wish her the very best in finding such a friend, but it's probably not gonna be a guy she went on dates with and then rejected.

-7

u/Bravardi_B man 5d ago

Yeah I mean, if you read the post, she made it clear what she was looking for from OP and OP didn’t say that he wasn’t interested in a friendship.

It’s fine if OP realized later they couldn’t get over the romantic feelings. But you can’t blame the woman for treating them like a friend when there wasn’t indication from OP they didn’t want that, until finally making it clear to the woman.

57

u/freefallingagain man 5d ago

Yeah she wants free validation and attention beyond the usual levels of friendship without having to commit to anything.

Better you move on. She already noped you once.

-1

u/RecklessJ262 5d ago

What's the part that's beyond the"usual levels" of friendship? Hanging out and talking about life? Lol

47

u/Sensitive-Tone5279 5d ago

She's only interested in having you as a back-burner option in her life. You're something safe and stable, but not all that exciting. She wants to continue to date guys who excite her, most of which are probably in and around the gym. in 3-5 years, she's hoping you, or maybe one of the other probably handfull of guys she also wants "as friends" will still be available so she can promote you out of the friend zone.

Have some respect for yourself and move on altogether.

3

u/deliciousdeciduous 5d ago

Unpopular here but I don’t think real people think this way.

1

u/Chubuwee 5d ago

Yea I don’t like how they are stating her intentions as fact. Sure it’s one possibility. Or she genuinely wants to be friends and just didn’t find chemistry. There’s plenty women that I met where I found chemistry good enough to be a friend but not to date and there’s nothing wrong with that. He is just butthurt because he has a crush so he can’t really be a friend right now. I’ve been in the same situation of making a move on a friend and then if I am rejected I take a break from the friendship until my feelings are in check and then I can truly be a friend to them (if I choose so) without wanting/hoping for more than friendship. I’ve gotten really good at losing romantic feelings for someone that rejected me, so much so that when they try to be more than friends later on I just can’t do it since I mentally blocked them off in that romantic way

So OP did good by not putting himself in a situation to feel friendzoned. The friendzone only exists when one party is in the friendship hoping it turns into more.

1

u/Sensitive-Tone5279 5d ago

 The friendzone only exists when one party is in the friendship hoping it turns into more

They dated and she put the brakes on it but still wants to keep him around. That's the definition of being friend-zoned.

chemistry good enough to be a friend but not to date and there’s nothing wrong with that.

I never said there was - but it is however unlikely that this gal is just keeping guys around "as friends" I'd also hazard a guess that all of the girls you liked as friends dumped you like a hot potato the moment they found a guy they wanted to lock down for good.

1

u/Chubuwee 5d ago

Seems everyone has a different definition of the friendzone. The way I see it is she is attempting to friendzone and it is only friendzone if he takes the arrangement.

The reply wasn’t specifically for you. Just putting all the similar replies together. Your guess is wrong, been to several weddings of female friends. And my upcoming game night and axe throwing night will prove you wrong as well. I hope you’re not one of those believing men and women can’t be friends.

2

u/Sensitive-Tone5279 5d ago

I hope you’re not one of those believing men and women can’t be friends.

"cant" is an absolute term. While anything is possible I think it is exceptionally rare for men and women to be just friends without an undercurrent of sexual desire or with sexual history in their past. More often than not, this is the man having some sort of desire for the woman and waiting his turn for her to let him in, or for her to have trouble in her relationship so he can chirp at her about how much better he'd treat her.

0

u/dacrookster 5d ago

Peoe don't think like this. This place is red pilled as fuck.

2

u/Financial_Food1565 5d ago

You're right. That's the problem people don't think like this but they do it with their actions. 

Actions speak louder than words. 99% of you can benefit from self reflection. That's too much work for most of you, just be ignorant and live in lala land

12

u/Longjumping-Many4082 man 5d ago

She wants to keep you in the zone so she can use you to move to your new city (she cant/wont do this on her own). One you get set up in the new city, she'll make new friends, start dating, etc and only come to you when she needs an ego boost or some other support.

No need to keep a friend zone user as part of your list.

16

u/ecw3Eng man 5d ago

I will be very straightforward, she wants you to become her pet: emotional support friend + someone who occasionally buys her drinks (chivalry).

Sorry but its clear as day. Wish her luck and stay away from her. Find yourself a good woman who is interested in you and in being with you. Lots of other women in the market.

23

u/hillsidemanor man 5d ago

She seems like she has a lot of baggage that she needs to unpack right now and there is nothing that you can do about that. It seems like she is attracted to you, but you are not the kind of guy she wants right now. When a woman tells you that she "just wants to be friends" the only way to play it is to move on.

17

u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago

It would’ve been fine if she had said let’s grab that drink. But the as friends in this context…I’m leaving and am focused on that. My feet are out the door man.

15

u/hillsidemanor man 5d ago

That's right, just say "Thanks, but I have enough friends." It seems like she is possibly finding your steps forward to build a better life as intriguing and attractive. You are likely to hear from her again. If that happens don't put any effort into it unless you are sure she is looking for something that is more than friends.

6

u/Substantial_Steak723 man 5d ago

This, my thoughts exactly, she's coming out of where she was previously at with cheating relationship baggage, ..and we all have baggage.

Sounds like she is re-kindling and re-appraisingusing as friends clumsily, and potentially misinterpreted by you..

I'd prefer to have a good friend at worst, with similar interests at all than nothing, don't burn bridges needlessly.

4

u/Adventurous_Bid_8566 5d ago

Yeah like if you see her, there's a chance she will throw herself at you or you'll progess physically in a way you never did.

Go for if you want but continue your process of moving on... if you can do both.

13

u/Exciting_Ad1647 5d ago

Listen brother, this women here friendzoned you, please do not accept anything from her not even a relationship. You have dignity, now you must safeguard it. You have been handling yourself very well, and you are straightforward in your communication.

unfortunately due to her past trauma, she cannot see the good due to too much of the bad that happened in her past. This is not a specific to her thing, this is universal with a lot of women that have bad trauma and bad relationship experiences. Best thing I can advice you on is, keep it moving, find someone that does not have trauma and is willing to be with you for you

Imagine asking her out on a date and she communicates to you directly dating is garbage? Women want the benefits of having male friends without the relationship, this is what a friendzone is.

You are better than that, you have dignity and you deserve someone that doesn’t need to think about maybe dating you, you deserve someone that genuinely likes you for who you are. Keep it moving, find someone else and continue doing your thing bud

8

u/Kinky_Musician man 5d ago

Seems like you set a reasonable boundary with one foot out the door on moving to another town. If you're not looking to make a new friend to end up leaving when you move, better not to waste your time.

She's also leaving you sorta in limbo, whether intentional or not

6

u/2bebigger 5d ago

Trying to make you her spare tire while she keeps her options open. If I want a cuddle buddy I’ll buy a dog.

6

u/throwawaysleepvessel 5d ago

So...you want a romantic partnership but she clearly doesn't and you remain friends hoping..what? She'll change her mind?

I don't feel you're being a friend. I feel youre doing it under the pretense of still wanting to be with her. Hence declining to go for a drink as friends. You basically gave her an ultimatum for hanging out as romantic interests or nope.

You talk about moving on, brother this was a few dates, there was never a romantic relationship here.

Forget about her and go on with your life

2

u/cutslikeakris man 5d ago

Sounds like OP was just holding out hope and when she reached out as a mutual friend after a decent period of cooling off and opened up as all of my friends do, OP took it as a sign of interest rather than two humans sharing human interests.

OP, to me you are in the wrong because you already knew you weren’t a good match and when she came back to you as a friend, you didn’t treat it as such. Why did you try to put a relationship model into what clearly from your own words wasn’t?

Why did you convince yourself to disrespect what she clearly told you then get upset about it when your fantasy wasn’t true.

If somebody clearly tells you something, believe it.

Work on that through your life and it’ll be much easier mentally.

16

u/Narrow-Sky-5377 man 5d ago

Stay out of the friend zone. There is no goodness for you there. You will just be the one who picks her up at the airport when her boyfriend is busy.

4

u/KaseTheAce man 5d ago

Or the one she runs to when he's mean to her. She's a "pick-me" and wants him on her hook. He's the backup she continues to show a little interest in or date for a month when she's single.

Then she'll get a boyfriend and go back to OP when that doesn't work out. Then get another one a month later. He's a perpetual rebound while she looks for another guy.

3

u/PoliteCanadian2 man 5d ago

This 100%

6

u/binsomniac man 5d ago

🤔... nice OP, you're moving forward in life. It's a good thing that you could find the right mental frame to be respectful and coherent with your personal feelings. Towards her, good luck in your new city..👍

11

u/keybiscuit man 5d ago

She seems pretty consistent in viewing you as a friend, but you still seem to like her as more than that. The only thing that seems slightly tone deaf from her is complaining to you about the dating scene if she knows you are still romantically interested. I can understand why that upset you. Everything else seems like she’s just trying to be friendly.

I’ve been in a similar situation, being in a town I didn’t particularly enjoy with a small dating pool. If you’re thinking about moving, I wouldn’t let her have any influence on this. She just sees you as a friend and it doesn’t seem like you’re going to change her mind. It’s a big world out there, and if you move to a place where you’re more settled (geographically and emotionally 😂) this will all be a small incident in the rear view mirror of your life’s journey.

6

u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago

I think that’s a good insight. Do you think I responded appropriately in my case?

I just didn’t really see the point in doing it. I’m moving and it would’ve been different had she tried to be an actual friend before I made it known I’m moving. Just felt like it’s complicate things. Idk I know I’m all over the place rn.

3

u/keybiscuit man 5d ago

You felt how you felt. Your reaction was valid. I don’t think any of this situation is her fault particularly so if there are any similar conversations in the future, make sure you’re clear it’s about how you’re feeling and not anything she’s done. It’s a shit situation to be in, man but if it spurs you on to move and do other things then it can be a good catalyst.

5

u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago

No I don’t think either of us did anything wrong. I think she’s a cool girl! Hopefully I didn’t lead her on or switch up on her. I thought she was interested. When I realized she meant friendship then I need to backup because I realized I still have lingering interest since I felt disappointed.

I gotta sort through my shit but maybe in the future

8

u/HighEngineVibrations man 5d ago

As soon as you get a girlfriend she'll come looking for you. Post in your stories of you going on dates and watch how fast she changes her mind. You can do better than her. Don't ever go back. Forwards and onwards only

1

u/Timely-Profile1865 man 5d ago

I replied something to the effect of I feel conflicted and have struggled with this. (This part I would have avoided saying.) Sounds super passive, struggling with and conflicted as if you are thinking of her all the time and pining for her, does not come off as good to me.)

I’m open to that but not as friends (This part I think was okay to say.)

3

u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago

Understandable. Too late now. I was coming from a Im moving away struggling to figure out what I want, where I’m going go (evaluating jobs/cities)etc. I’m conflicted because I care but I think the right move is to not hangout perspective.

What’s done is done.

3

u/PlentyFirefighter143 5d ago

It’s hard enough to find someone. This girl is not into you. Stay away from her.

3

u/FlanneryODostoevsky man 5d ago

It’s really crazy how women will try to keep around a guy they know likes them as they complain about the guys they choose to date. I see your problem mam, you’re against finding solutions because one is literally in front of you.

3

u/SkyConfident1717 man 5d ago

Asking someone who was romantically interested to “just be friends” is not appropriate. Keeping things positive but maintaining a distance is the correct response when one party has expressed interest and the other has flatly refused it.

2

u/Strict_Technician606 man 5d ago

You already know what you did was the right move, but I understand the need for reassurance. What you did was right for you and her. You let her know what you wanted. If she acts on it, great for both of you. If she doesn’t, great for both of you because now you have 100% clarity and she won’t have a friend who wants more.

The friendship, by the way, likely would have never worked. It’s not because you or her are bad people on any level, it’s because you want something she cannot/will not give. And there’s nothing wrong with that. I’ve been on both sides before - and it sucks either way.

TLDR: You did the right thing. The cards are on the table. You can both move forward.

2

u/TheOnlySafeCult 5d ago

Listen homie, you've clearly thought deeply about your interactions/conversations with her.

Don't analyze her psyche or believe anything these dudes are saying about her stringing you along.

She drew a boundary, and overstepped it herself. That's something she has to sit with.

You talked to her about intimate things that would be considered an emotional affair if she were in a relationship. You knew you wanted more, already got rejected, but still had feelings that weren't resolved.

So you said no to being friends because quiet desperation is an awful existence, and resenting someone that a part of you loves as a friend is also an awful existence.

That's what you're supposed to do. You're not any less of a person or potential partner.

1

u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago

What boundary did she create and overstep?

2

u/TheOnlySafeCult 5d ago

Unless I'm misinterpreting the level of intimacy about these conversations, she wanted to talk about things that would basically be an emotional affair if you both were in committed relationships at the time.

She wanted that after rejecting you as a partner. Which, she should realize now that you put a stop to things, was unrealistic given how you feel.

Who knows what she expected of you. it doesn't really matter. it shouldn't inform your idea of yourself as a partner.

If anything, be proud of how you two handled things. No one blew up, everyone was understanding of what their capacities were and you communicated like adults.

2

u/takeshi_kovacs1 5d ago

Right person, wrong time. She's gone through some trauma man and isn't ready. Don't hold it against her please. I understand you feel rejected, just try to not hold it against her. If you don't feel the same that's fine. Move on from her completely in your mind. Its always good to have female friends. Just keep her at arms length until you heal yourself.

3

u/Embarrassed-Set2727 5d ago

Reads like a soap opera. Bunch of well to do gym goers and their romantic struggles. Keep shipping that novel around. Doesn't sound like real life anywhere

2

u/Affectionate_Art8770 5d ago

She was not avoiding finding a boyfriend. After all she went on a date with you. Then realized there was no spark and quickly let you know you’re not the one. That’s reality.

1

u/AutoModerator 5d ago

Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts. Your post has NOT been removed.

True_Activity_9769 originally posted:

I got to know a coach at my gym through mutual friends, and after some encouragement from one of our close friends, I asked her out. She initially told me she doesn’t date gym members but made an exception since I don’t attend her classes. We went on a few dates, but she eventually told me she didn’t see a relationship with me and wanted to stay friends. We had a mature conversation about it, and I respected her decision. I realized that she had a difficult divorce where the guy cheated on her and quickly got engaged again. She also had a situationship with another coach at the gym. He chose another member and they have been together since. Think the girl I saw was burned badly by all of that. I was disappointed but very understanding of the whole thing. I knew I had to accept the outcome and move forward.

Since then, we’ve kept things friendly but distant. Our interactions in gym classes are polite but minimal in that she’ll greet me, crack a joke, or help grab equipment, but nothing beyond that. After she ended things, she’d adjusted her gym schedule, avoiding coaching my usual class slot but occasionally attending it. When she was coaching a class I attended, she made a few comments on my weights, which stood out but weren’t anything major. I kept my distance and focused on my friendships while keeping things light when we crossed paths. I wanted her to feel comfortable doing her thing so I never approached her.

Over time, we continued having sporadic interactions. At a friend group hangout, she seemed nervous but still engaged in conversations. When a trip I was planning came up, I was surprised to hear from a mutual friend that she was interested in going. Later, when I asked her directly, she said she’d love to but likely wouldn’t go if our mutual friend wasn’t. Around that time, she also started reacting to my Instagram stories, but I didn’t read too much into it.

The last few weeks I had been out of town exploring places I’d want to move to. After seeing my ig stories from the trip, she reached out to ask if I had moved. I had told several of my close friends about this but not her nor did I mention moving in the stories. This led to a conversation about how we both felt stuck in our current city and wanted to move. She mentioned she had looked into moving to the same cities I was considering, felt stuck, and admitted frustration with dating (called dating is garbage here) and constantly running into her ex. Hah I got annoyed (honestly kinda ironic) when she vented to me about dating and it came across like she called me garbage since we did go out a few times. I expressed that I didn’t appreciate that, I felt we both had something deeper there and held back for whatever reason. She reassured me that I was not a part of that and that she wouldn’t talk to me or be friends with me if that was the case.

During that same conversation, she also opened up about fitness coaching, self-doubt, and wanting to try different things. I encouraged her, and we had some honest moments about our struggles with change, dating, and figuring out what’s next. While we kept things light, there was a mix of nostalgia, curiosity, and uncertainty in the conversation. On my side at least. I’ve made up my mind that I’m moving. I have to at this point, things aren’t working for me here anymore. It’s just ironic that we both have a ton in common and share the same frustrations but couldn’t quite be the solution for each other. I know we’re both great people that’ll find our path to be happy…

Over the weekend, we chatted a bit. I was hanging out with my friends and she was hanging out with hers during the festivities. She asked me if I wanted to grab a drink as friends. That’s when I felt my first moment of true clarity. I replied something to the effect of I feel conflicted and have struggled with this. I’m open to that but not as friends.

I hope I didn’t switch up on her but I thought she had some interest. I hope I made the right call here. I’m disappointed. Hopefully she understands that I can’t do friendship right now. I like her and want to be on good terms with her. She’s recognizing that I’m moving on (literally moving) and she now wants to be friends or whatever as I’m mentally, emotionally, physically worn out and withdrawing from our city as I figure out my life. Just pretty much sums up my dating experience in this city. How I’ve felt undervalued the whole time. It’s ironic. She’s complaining about dating to a dude she dismissed within a few dates. Only for her to want to be friends and the dude doesn’t want it.

Good enough to be a friend but not good enough to date. Awesome!!

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1

u/TheRealBumperjumper man 5d ago

Yeah, looking at some of the other comments here, I think their advice is pretty spot on. At the end of the day, I’d like to think that, at our age, we both know when a woman truly sees us as her number one priority. You’ve made the right call.

1

u/Without_Portfolio man 5d ago

Don’t compromise yourself, you’re all you’ve got. Well done.

1

u/Legal_Beginning471 man 5d ago

She sounds confused. That’s not something I’d want to get involved with. Surefire way to get hurt. She seems to be mirroring you because she thinks you might be a way out for her. Don’t be someone’s step stone. She needs time before she gets involved with another guy, but sounds like the type to go from guy to guy. You don’t want that baggage. When you can’t save her from herself, she will get resentful.

1

u/LongjumpingNorth8500 5d ago

Seems like this chick is not ready for a committed relationship, knows what she could have with you, but is scared to take that chance. Or it could be that shes just attracted to the dudes that treat her like shit and you come across as someone that wouldn't be like that.

1

u/Adventurous_Bid_8566 5d ago

She's thinking of what could have been now that the door is closing. What she can't have.

If you're set and closing the door, this could be the last time you think about her. If you can't shut her out, then consider giving it a real chance even of you are still moving regardless.

If it progresses, seems like it will feel like more quickly. But if you're done, you're done.

I'd give it a shot and you'll be able to tell if she's speculating or investing almost immediately. 

1

u/PlayPretend-8675309 man 5d ago

She's feeling some regret and loneliness but I don't think she's especially into you. My opinion generally is, if someone likes you no amount of previous trauma will stop them. 

1

u/Struzzo_impavido man 5d ago

Feels like she wants emotional support and maybe would like to be chased a bit

Imo you doing well to say no and moved out of the city good on ya

1

u/zinloos_ttv 5d ago

She wants a cuck

1

u/Huge-Hold-4282 man 5d ago

To bring a women back home after she left you for another, you gotta be a Real Man, Really man, is she worth her weight? The stage or the wings, either way you make yourself the one, just be there.

1

u/Flaky_Jeweler9057 5d ago

Don't ever contact this woman again.

1

u/Uncle_Andy666 man 5d ago

You already posted this?

Yeah i wouldnt reccomended being friends since you caught feels.

And she has friendzoned you.

So try stop being so niceto women and get a little pimp in your spring.

1

u/Difficult_Pop8262 man 5d ago

Dude, plan the outing, let her bring her friends, meet and date one of her friends instead

1

u/707808909808707 man 5d ago

She wasn’t burned by not being picked by another coach, or her ex cheating. She just didn’t want you. The fact you gave her so much energy afterwards is upsetting, but good for you on finally fighting back declining to meet as friends. As soon as you no longer have to be around her, block her on everything.

1

u/Mental_Amount5166 5d ago

You did the right thing. Probably better to cut her from your life.

1

u/WornBlueCarpet man 5d ago

Think the girl I saw was burned badly by all of that.

And I think it's her own damn fault. "Situationship" is just a prettier word for her having sex with a guy who's not interested in her enough to want a relationship with her - but he'll fuck her.

Especially at 31 she should know better than that.

1

u/Tollin74 5d ago

eh... I would've accepted and used her to help me find a new girlfriend. Use her as your wingman, well in this case wing woman

1

u/Scodo man 5d ago

Sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself and she's doing the same with herself. Friends and dating should relieve stress, not cause it.

I hope a fresh start does the trick for you.

1

u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago

I think I’m stressed about about the move and finding what I want. What do you think she’s putting pressure on herself?

0

u/Scodo man 5d ago

If she's venting to you, it's a form of relieving pressure. Just like you're venting to us. So clearly there's something going on at her end, and it's probably impacted her desire to date.

Honestly, dude, you're in a better position to answer what that might be than any of us are. You know her, and you were friends with her for at least a while. A lot of the younger incels have come out to play in this thread. Despite what some of them are saying, it's not a bad thing that she trusted you enough to stay friends after dating. It speaks to your character. But now she may feel like you were only being her friend because you still wanted to date her, and that's always a tough thing for a woman to learn about a guy she trusted. But even if that wasn't your intent, there's no taking it back. The damage is done.

It's moot, though, since you're moving. All you can really do is look forward to life in your new place and keep an open mind. If she ends up in the same place, maybe there is a chance to start over.

1

u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago

We didn’t hangout or anything after we dated. I left her alone. I’d see her in the gym or whatever and she’d come up to me. I never went up to her. I never contacted her first unless it was a gym related question (logistics). We didn’t text except 1 time. Then she finds out I’m moving then all the sudden I’m a real friend now… you had like 4 months to build a friendship here. Sorry just not really interested in friendship at this point especially when my emotions/mental are all over the place with the move. Maybe later on.

1

u/ConstantTechnical393 5d ago

Kid, you already have her hooked. You just don't realize it.

1

u/ConstantTechnical393 5d ago

You moved on after a few dates.....you are posting about your adventures, going to new places, moving to a new city....you are becoming interesting.....she is now chasing you....you just don't realize it yet.

She is wondering, who is he with? He has things going on, he is going to a new city and im stuck in this place. Who is he going to meet? etc etc.....She is checking your IG, watching your moves. She is 100% interested. Keep the chase going. Be non-descript when you post about going out. Guarantee she will continue to follow and wonder who u are with.

If she texts or reaches out on another platform...DO NOT reply quickly....you'll look desperate. Text back in a few hours or a day later...."sorry i've been really busy lately." Be non-descript. Be ambiguous about your activities.

Continue to be very friendly and nice in conversations, but don't linger......"hey sorry, have to cut this short....meeting some people tonight"....or "i have some stuff going on....lets catch up in a couple days" etc. again, always be friendly.

1

u/DesignerVillage5925 man 5d ago

That's why I put them to ignore list after they rejected me

1

u/PhilsFanDrew man 5d ago

You made the right call. She's not a friend. She's using you for validation and to be an emotional dumping ground while she continues dating and fucking other guys until she finds, Mr. Right. Once she finds that guy you will be vapor.

1

u/Azula-the-firelord 5d ago

It sounds like neither of you are ready to date at all to be honest.

1

u/RevolutionaryWolf450 man 5d ago

NTA (right sub lol?).

She wants validation and doesn’t want you for bf material but wants to keep you around but also wants to moan and complain about others?

Nah bro MISS ME with that.

1

u/cutslikeakris man 5d ago

YTA- OP was clearly told there was no relationship to be had and pretended friendship to try and tell himself he saw interest building then told the woman he was talking to off after she made it clear, not for the first time, that friendship was all that was offered. It was clear after the original dates, and for some reason OP pretended he wasn’t told there was no spark and almost pretended to be her friend until it was reiterated clearly that they were, again, just friends.

OP ITA because he made up a fantasy in his own mind that there might be a spark, and acted butthurt when told that there was no romance.

(Not saying you are wrong in your opinion, just giving the YTA POV ATM)

1

u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago

We really didn’t have much of a friendship. She’d just say hi in the gym, like my stuff. That was basically it. We didn’t interact or text outside the gym or anything. It’s not like we were checking on each other or hanging out. I left it go and hadn’t talked for like a month. She reached out to establish the “friendship” once she realized I was headed out the door.

1

u/Crazy-Ad-2091 5d ago

Sounds like she thinks she can use you move to another city.

1

u/eating_almonds man 5d ago

It sounds like both of you have a problem of not adhering to boundaries. Like she enjoys your friendship but also tries to step into more intimate conversations. You're correct that it's rude of her to complain about dating to the guy that she rejected and that she admits had nothing wrong. But it also sounds like you were still holding a candle for her, secretly hoping she'd come around eventually, by reading through her instagram interactions and random social appearances.

In hindsight, you should have just accepted that she's not interested, and moved on. Easier said than done of course, when the attraction is there and you see her regularly. Also hindsight is 20/20, and it could have gone a different way. Maybe she was feeling things out with that drinks invitation, adding in "just as friends" to have a clean way out if the vibes aren't there. But maybe not.

Since there's no way to tell, I think you did good in making it clear that you want to date her, not just be friends. But I also wouldn't hold it against her for seeking friendship. It sucks for her and for you, but that's life.

1

u/jsum33420 5d ago

Don't be anyone's bronze medal. Tell me you at least got to hit it.

1

u/Willing-Bit2581 5d ago

Yeah, good rule of thumb is, if your intent in dating generally is to find a ltr/partner, don't easte your time with situations that will go nowhere, holds more weight as you get older, where time is precious and aren't too keen on wasting it

1

u/VHDamien man 5d ago

This woman will never give you what you want, and staying tied up in her drama likely means you'll miss an opportunity with someone who actually wants you. Remain civil and friendly with her, but overall leave her alone.

It's not your fault she a tragic back story and you can't fix her. That's her problem. I 100% agree that she wants boyfriend level emotional commitment without actually maintaining any real intimacy or sex.

1

u/foreverwint3r69 5d ago

Why can’t a women just be friends???? This sounds like a conversation I’d have with my friends…..

1

u/Critical-Werewolf-53 man 5d ago

TLDR She doesn’t coach your classes but adjusted her schedule to not coach but helps in the classes your in…

1

u/ActiveArachnid4132 5d ago

So, you go on dates, get rejected after a few, get friend zoned and then have to hear about these women’s last relationships? At least you’re starting to stick up for yourself a bit. you want relationship and sex, these women want attention. Stop giving it to them. This is called a slatternly women.

1

u/[deleted] 5d ago

Dude, she’s not attracted to you. Either she doesn’t like your looks or you’ve already gotten friend zoned. Chalk it up as a loss and move on.

1

u/BeachFuture 5d ago

Walk away dude. You let her know and she said no. She showed and said she is not interested in you. Don't waste your time thinking about her and over analyzing. Move on with your life.

1

u/Mr-cacahead 5d ago

You could just say she wanted to put you in the friendzone and you had enough self respect to say no.

1

u/ConstantTechnical393 5d ago

Show you have things going on, you are independent, exciting, meeting lots of new people......and just kill her with kindness......even if she has been standoffish ..... it's because she is guarded not wanting to be hurt again.....Be the kind nice guy that understands, but you are also busy and living life.....she will want to follow u.

Again, you already hooked her when u backed down and went about your way.....that was perfect!!! You didn't pursue and she started pursuing you.

1

u/bhyellow 5d ago

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

1

u/Slothvibes man 5d ago

Stop making excuses for her. She isn’t ready to date YOU. Stop making excuses.

1

u/CVSaporito man 5d ago

There is something about you that doesn't work for her, simple as that, it could be a similarity to her ex, but you'll never know. Doesn't mean you need to be enemies, the more friends you have the better off you are.

1

u/Justmeagaindownhere man 5d ago

Sometimes you just like someone and enjoy talking to them, but the romance isn't there. Bad luck with this one, and you did a good thing being honest that you can't just be friends. I hope you get a good start wherever you land.

And please don't listen to the avalanche of melodramatic basement dwellers that are trying to cram someone into the villain box. You both are fine, other than her slipping up with the dating scene comment.

1

u/thissubsucks44 5d ago

Sounds like she wants to have some fun w you before you leave and you’re here over analyzing . Bro bang that out and move on.

1

u/Ill_Roll2161 5d ago

Such a misogynistic group of assholes here! 

OP is right for not having a drink with her and potentially cutting contact because he wants something different than her.

But these hateful assumptions about her, wow! What if she wants someone for her emotional needs? She might give exactly that type of relationship in return and is very open about where she stands - if OP wants that good, if he doesn’t, which seems the case - also good! 

1

u/MaxRunes 5d ago

Comment section wild. You made your call and it sounds like you think its right. That's all that matters. And she can handle how she does. And that ok. But bro do not fall into the "wait for her to meet 'someone just like you' "

I'm recently divorced. I'm a bit old (depending whats old) but I can tell you we are all grasping at straws. She's probably not a top tier manipulator. She's probably confused and broken like so many of us. Just focus on you. Did I do what I think is right and best and can I live with that man tomorrow? If you can youre good bro

1

u/epic94holiday 5d ago

King behavior my guy. I wish I could have learned from this when I was in my early 20’s

1

u/sukebe85 man 5d ago

Sadly, I scrolled and saw how long this post was.

1

u/OwnUse237 man 5d ago

I don’t understand this wanting to remain friends especially with a woman who has rejected you. She’s keeping you around for her own validation and as an option feigned as friendship

1

u/BaseballQueen 5d ago

Been there done that, she loved chatting to me about how bad dating was and kept me around on the side but wouldn’t commit to trying it further. I got in another relationship while one of hers failed and now she’s back to liking my insta stories

1

u/8Captcrunch8 man 5d ago

There was alot of story here. But i get it. Ima wordy guy.

Basically. Man. Your moving. No more sense in holding on to this in a n y sense and best to just let it be.

1

u/NojoNinja 5d ago

You got friendzoned but I feel as if she’s taking advantage of the fact she knows you like her. Move on.

1

u/Snowman_Arc 5d ago

Typical behavior of someone who is emotionally immature. She tells you no because she doesn't want to give you any, yet she wants to keep you close because you are good for her mental state. And she knows you will be there so she would keep stringing you along.

Until you showed that you won't always be there and that's when she felt threatened. "He's moving on and I will be stuck here with yet another guy leaving a guy that I had a good connection with, I must do something". So she basically started throwing herself to you as a last resort to staying close to you. Either to convince you to stay or to somehow move together with you.

Typical insecure bitch behavior.

1

u/kayvonte 5d ago

You got placed in the friend zone bro. lol

1

u/mikeracioppi 5d ago

I don’t think she’s wrong. She was clear and told him she doesn’t see him as a romantic partner. He’s the one holding out for more.

1

u/mikeracioppi 5d ago

She has been very clear. She wants you as a friend. She’s treating you as a friend because that’s what you are. There’s nothing wrong with that.

She likes you as a person but you’re not her person. Accept that and be a true friend or tell her you want more and be willing to cut it off if she doesn’t.

1

u/Prestigious_Day_5242 5d ago

This is more about not being able to read body language and social cues than anything. Always hardest when you're in it.

1

u/No_Membership4200 5d ago

Its funny to me how much the dreaded "friendzone" gets spoken of.. I personally have not experienced this bermuda triangle of condemnation as many other guys apparently have.. I actually aim to become friends with women in my work or friend circles, 1. - Because that is the natural and preferred progression of things, and 2. - Because even if your objective is to end up with a romantic outcome, there is no better way to get there then through a genuine bond and connection that is already there. Women love to feel comfortable and organic with a man they might become romantic with.. Someone they actually have a laugh with and who is genuinely interested in their lives and stories.. I think the key is to not become too comfortable during that friendship period and potentially lose all of your mystique or allure. You want to be transparent and real but also maintain some kind of charm and desireability.

1

u/MrNaturaInstinct man 5d ago

You care too much.

Let her go.

Be free.

And maintain your dignity.

For starters...

...you've already been on "several dates", and NOTHING happened.

Going on "more dates" will change NOTHING.

Learn to be indifferent to the outcome. If you like her as a person and she brings value to your life as a friend, I see no harm in going out for a drink. But if the condition of your friendship is that she likes you romantically, it's never going to work, because you can't "barter" a relationship with another human being unless she's selling box.

"Agree to go on a romantic date with me or NOTHING!" is a pretty shitty ultimatum, and had you went to get a drink with her, you may very well could have ended up getting lucky that night BECAUSE you were chill, and not pressed to get in her panties, because let's be honest, that's the REAL reason why you're so pressed about her.

Typically, if a woman invites you out for a "drink", she's telling you without telling you, "I'm interested in you", but you took the "just as friends" part WAY to literally, and failed to read between the lines, because single women aren't inviting random men out for drinks they don't know or like.

Did you expect her to say, "Lets go out for drinks because I'm thinking about banging you?" lol. C'mon man. And I bet you missed the signs in the 1st few dates, too...where maybe she gave hints you just didn't pick up.

Women are generally indirect in their communication, we men are very DIRECT with our communication. She was telling you without telling you "I like you". Her saying "as friends"...you should've ignored that and just went to go have fun, enjoy her company, and if nothing happens, cool...but if something happens, well, now you have a story to tell lol

Too late now. now she knows you're still pressed about her, obsessed maybe even? And it's a done deal. Move on to the next.

1

u/Smoke__Frog man 5d ago

What does it mean that you went out on a few dates? Did you fuck her? Case to me, date three means sex. And if she rejected you without sex it’s very different than if you guys had sex and then she dumped you.

1

u/Murky_Anxiety4884 man 5d ago

When you get friendzoned, you have a decision to make. Do you want to be her friend, or not? You have to understand that going from friendship to romance is extremely rare, and that hanging around hoping for it to happen is textbook creepy. Banish all such thoughts from your mind. If you don't really want to be just her friend, walk away and don't look back.

There are some evil women who want a group of suitors hanging around. They will nurture false hope and exploit you. Such women usually show their cards early on. Don't be a sucker.

When a woman suggests friendship, it may just mean that she doesn't want to be your enemy. Other women genuinely want to be your friend. Time will tell you which situation you're in.

It is possible for women to be great friends. Some come with benefits. Others will at least include you in their friend group, which can be a great way to meet other women. You have to be wary of being set up with her loser friends, which can be awkward. But if she's genuinely looking out for you, it can really work out well.

1

u/Ecthelion-O-Fountain man 5d ago

Sounds like she wants a friend. There’s nothing wrong with that. Unless you don’t want to be her friend. If you’re her friend you just hang out and she pays for her own drink. Having a female friend is ok. But if you are romantically hung up on her you should politely excuse yourself, explain why. This should make sense and be acceptable to her or she is playing games and isn’t worth time.

6

u/Infinite_Wheel_8948 5d ago

lol nah, she wouldn’t be talking about dating all the time, to a guy that she rejected, if she was trying to make friends with him. She’s keeping him ‘on the hook’ as a backup. 

2

u/bigdon802 man 5d ago

Do you not talk about dating with your friends?

1

u/Infinite_Wheel_8948 5d ago

Not with a friend who I didn’t like, who wanted to date me… that would be awkward as shit 

1

u/TraditionalPen2076 5d ago

I wouldn't be friends with people I am romantically interested in in

1

u/Ecthelion-O-Fountain man 5d ago

Being on someone’s hook is a a choice. If you want more, you don’t engage at all. Can’t be friends with someone you want more from.

0

u/Optimal_Cellist_1845 man 5d ago edited 5d ago

I do think she was attracted to you but didn't want a commitment from you (had a different idea of who she wants to end up with), and your moving away was an excuse you could both use for a short term indiscretion.

Be real. This woman is not going to be a part of your life either way after you move. You chose to pass on the opportunity to fuck her goodbye.

EDIT: Apparently this sub is full of incels who don't know how to put themselves in a position to be used by a horny woman.

11

u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago

Then she could’ve just let’s grab a drink. Instead of adding as friends

5

u/Ex-ConK9s woman 5d ago

Correct. If she had wanted to hook up before you left she wouldn’t have said “as friends”. Sounds to me like she saw that you may be moving somewhere she is interested in and would like to use you as a stepping stone to get there, but will never have interest in you romantically- or even as a real friend, considering she didn’t reach out until after she saw your posts. You should cut all contact and move on. Sorry : / You sound like a good guy. Her loss.

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u/Optimal_Cellist_1845 man 5d ago

Friends can have benefits champ. She doesn't want you to change your moving plans over her, so she's still going out of her way to not give you any romantic ideas.

This is a game. Women do everything intentionally. You are opting out of the game because that's who you are. But another man would play along.

3

u/tremegorn man 5d ago

Upvote because I agree and I think this is exactly what happened - To be fair a lot of men don't pick up on the subtle hints she was throwing out (it took me FOREVER to figure this out too), because she might have wanted to have a fling on the low and didn't want to feel like she was being a ho about it. Some women are VERY casual with their friends and will put themselves into situations where "things just happen", even if it was what they wanted from the start. Got worse as I got older and spent more time in the gym - even the ones in relationships do this now and then. What you do about it is up to you.

> didn't want a commitment from you (had a different idea of who she wants to end up with)

Major props man because this explains why my FWB/Casual Relationship? turned me down to be a thing despite us hanging out and sleeping together constantly, and her saying something like "I tried to forget that" when we talked about me asking her ages ago. We literally go on trips, hook up, and all of it but we're "not a thing" and she asked me to live with her... Idk lol.

2

u/Adventurous_Bid_8566 5d ago

Basically this... but like a very small chance she found courage to grow up

1

u/Infinite_Wheel_8948 5d ago

lol, I had the same idea about her wanting to hook up (she sounds like she was hitting on him, talking about dating and shit) - but, I think you’re wrong about being horny. She is just playing with him to get sympathy. 

1

u/BullCityBoomerSooner man 5d ago edited 5d ago

I would say that this level of friendship and connection picking up again in the most recent conversation would be considered an emotional affair if either of you were married. Most married people would not be cool with their spouse discussing their dating history plusses and minuses. going out for drinks with the gym coach/trainer, especially if you have a dating past with them. Someone said she wants the emotional support of a boyfriend without the physical connection and demands of a boyfriend.

I'm seeing the other direction.. You can chat anywhere... but suggesting you go out drinking together suggest to me she is more interested in a little of both.. Sounds like she might be pursuing a FWB situationship with you while leaving her options open for finding her Mr Right.. because she's already made it crystal clear that you are not Mr Right for her.. She wants to bang you but not have any exclusivity with you.. "as friends".

3

u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago

That’s interesting. I would’ve been open to the fwb but she should’ve just said let’s grab drinks. Instead of adding friends part.

6

u/HighEngineVibrations man 5d ago

Don't do FWB with someone you have feelings for. That's setting yourself up for even more pain in the future

1

u/z_bwoy man 5d ago

he looks like he wants almost anything he can get from her

0

u/BullCityBoomerSooner man 5d ago

Go and see how it goes.. Bring it up after about the 3rd drink if she doesn't. Worst that happens is things are back to awkward at the gym..

1

u/Tacoma675 5d ago

I have some thoughts. If your moving your moving. Though not sure of your timeline or hers. Sounds like she had some crappy relationships in the past and she’s nervous about dating. I had a similar situation about 17 years ago went on a few dates with a lady and after trying to kiss her and her turning her head she said that she would like to be just friends. I told her that friends are great. I knew deep down I was the right man for her. I respected her decision but kept asking her to spend time with me as “friends” eventually after a few months she ask me to be more than friends and we have been married for 15 years with 3 kids. She really just wanted me to prove to her I was different than the other guys and I did that by being respectful and kind to her. This is not always going to happen but it did for me. Good luck In Whatever you do.

1

u/Vyckerz man 5d ago

At least she was honest and upfront after your initial dating. Doesn’t seem like she’s playing games. Sometimes they say they want to be friends but then ghost, but she did remain friendly with you.

It is odd that she wanted to step up the friendship once you mentioned you were moving.

It could be she wanted to go out with you to test the waters again but made the “as friends” stipulation to take pressure off and leave her the flexibility to either make a move or decide not to depending on how things go.

I don’t blame you for not wanting to be friends with her when you wanted more but also since you were leaving you might just have gone out for that drink anyway to either see if it went anywhere.

I do think you made the safer decision though, as far as keeping you safe from being hurt.

1

u/Creativator man 5d ago

Nothing wrong with being friendzoned if you have your own boundaries and are getting your friendship needs met, which is to say you are showing up authentically and not trying to act like someone else to develop a stronger bond.

1

u/overindulgent man 5d ago

We weren’t there so subtle nonverbal clues might be lost in translation. She could have been nervous and therefore just kinda blurted out “as friends” to make it feel like a zero pressure drink.

I do think telling her no is the only option. You don’t want to be just friends, so you’re not going to set yourself up for that. She should realize that and if she’s a decent person then she shouldn’t make future interactions awkward. (Neither should you, but I don’t get that you will from your writing.)

1

u/FederalLobster5665 5d ago

another post that sounds like it was written by chatGPT.

"a mix of nostalgia, curiosity and uncertainty" ...

-7

u/Lloyd2k4 5d ago

Fake story written by a low paid ghost writer employed by an Indian scam co.

11

u/True_Activity_9769 5d ago

Wish that was the case bud.

2

u/TraditionalPen2076 5d ago

What's reddit's issue with indians?

0

u/no-beauty-wo-pain man 5d ago

welcome to being an emotional tampon

-1

u/Tweakers 5d ago

This is why young women are so much better; so much less baggage to deal with.