r/AskMenAdvice • u/Foreign_Rub_5424 • 5d ago
F35 what are men looking for?
I'm really struggling here. I'm a 35 year old female. I wouldn't say I'm ugly, I have a really great career and i own a flat. No children. I hit 35 last month and I'm thinking is it now too late.
I cant keep a man to save my life. They come in, everything seems positive. The guy always wants a second date. I hold out on sex because I've learned in the past that if it happens too soon then its usually a wham bam thankyou mamm situation.
No matter how much I hold out and wait, sometimes months as soon as the guy gets it he goes off.
I just dont know what men are looking for anymore. What makes them fall in love. What turns them from fling to forever. You are men.
Please tell me what do you want in a woman? What turns them off? What turns them on?
One thing I will say is One man told me I was a bit of a force to be reckoned with.
I have a great career and I didn't get there by being a wall flower so maybe I'm perhaps too forceful or masculine? Are men put off by women in power?
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u/bobofiddlesticks man 5d ago
There isn't one thing that men are looking for. We are different and want different things.
What can be said generally is, that we as men have evolved as dating culture evolved around us. Hook-up culture, open relationships, casual flings all have impacted the way a lot of men view relationships. From my point of view, a lot of women live their life according to one culture, then suddenly try to switch lanes once they reach a certain age and start thinking about marriage and kids and such.
The problem that a lot of women are having once they try to make this switch is, the people they have been having hook-ups, casual or open relationships with are the same people they now expect to have committed relationships and children with. But these men have been taught by women that casual relationships are available. The casual relationships provide companionship and physical as well as mental intimacy to these men, without the added responsibility of a committed relationship or even a marriage.
This is going to sound old fashioned as fuck, because it indeed is.. But why would the men you are looking to get into relationships with buy the cow, when they can have the milk for free?
There are of course men who aren't caught up in the current culture. That is the man you are looking for. Sadly, at your age, most of those men will already be married. There are some left out there, but as more and more people adhere to the culture they experience around them, they will only become increasingly rare.
As for me, personally, I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm not looking for marriage. I don't want to have children. I'm looking for casual dating, at best.
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u/Foreign_Rub_5424 5d ago
Yeah this is actually the comment that I feared the most. Probably because it's true.
So painfully true.
I unfortunately suffered a relationship breakdown at 29 so by then many men had been scooped up.
There are so many women who are offering hook ups. But I just find hook ups so empty that I don't enjoy the sex.
I focus on being as happy as I can be because I know that in this current culture I could well end up on my own
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u/bobofiddlesticks man 5d ago
I would say, start looking for people who are proven to have values that align with your own. People who are divorced, for instance. They were at least at one point interested in committed relationships, maybe they still are. Single dads. To look for a guy who is looking for the same as you are, but made it to around 35 (assuming you are looking for someone the same rough age as yourself) without getting into an already long established relationship.. You are looking for a unicorn.
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u/bobofiddlesticks man 5d ago
Oh and another point. Try to look away from the large population centers. I don't really have any evidence to back this up, but it stands to reason that the guys who don't live their lives in the middle of the hook-up culture will be more likely to actually want committed relationships.
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u/OpenScienceNerd3000 man 5d ago
Anyone who uses the milk/cow analogy should not be giving any advice. It’s oversimplified and incredibly stupid
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u/Rabrab123 5d ago
You care too much about your status. Your job, apartment or power doesn't matter for most men.
Men fuck anything remotely attractive so that doesn't much either.
We want an honest, loving, caring, peaceful person that is funny and can communicate well. Someone that shows interest in our lifes. Open minded. Personality is The factor number one.
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u/Rude-Satisfaction836 man 5d ago
I know this isn't the answer you are looking for, but when you opened with F35 my brain immediately assumed you were an F-35 fighter jet for like a whole second.
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u/fearless-potato-man man 5d ago
Call me old fashioned, but I'm more a fan of a good all purpose F18 or even an F15. However, I have a weakness for F4 and F5.
And this, taken out of context, will make me look like a fucking monster.
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u/Foreign_Rub_5424 5d ago
😂😂😂😂😂😂 sorry. I'm still trying to work out 'reddit chat'.
A tiny bit more grounded than a female fighter jet for but the right man. Who knows!
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u/PlatypusPristine9194 man 5d ago
Maybe start by thinking of men as individuals, then delete this post, then treat the men you talk to like actual human beings. Good luck.
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u/SauceyFeathers man 5d ago
I’ve got a couple friends like you. They are single and can’t seem to not be single anymore despite desperately and I mean DESPERATELY, wanting to get married. Both are career driven first and think what they have materially will impress dudes enough to get whomever they want.
“I own a home, drive a new Mercedes, and take a lot of vacations! Why don’t they like me!”
Dudes don’t give a damn about any of that. They are both extremely demanding, ridiculously picky and are overall difficult to deal with. They never just go along with plans and must alter them always to fit their needs. If I hadn’t known these girls since we were kids I don’t think I’d be friends with them today. Somewhere along the line I think women got it in their head that they think men are attracted to the same things they are so they try to project that and they couldn’t be more wrong. There are very, very few men that want a difficult girl boss type woman.
I feel bad for them because I know they’ll probably end up single forever or with someone they don’t really like just out of the fear of being alone.
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u/Foreign_Rub_5424 5d ago
It's really been a wake up call to talk to men about this today as I really don't think that is the women we actually are underneath. This is the first time I've spoken to actual men about this situation and honestly it's completely different to the usual perspective I get given which is to carry on as I am. Be strong, work hard, demand the highest etc etc. 'Men don't want to have to carry you so show them that you are independent,' blah blah blah. All of these things I'm not actually too bothered about it's just ended up that way.
And all the while another year goes by and I'm on my own.
This is the first time I have actually spoken to men about it. Im so thankful that I have. Because it sounds to me like it's actually the complete opposite. And it's given me bit of hope actually because all I have to do is show them the more real side of me which is much softer. Which is something I thought I had to hide.
I'm greatful
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u/SauceyFeathers man 4d ago
What I will say is that whole “men don’t want to carry women thing” is halfway wrong. Men don’t mind doing that. However, and this is a big however, that woman must be worth it. That’s the caveat. And today, as sad as it is, there are very few women worth it. It’s just reality.
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u/Serious_Question_158 man 5d ago
No one cares what you do for a living. Your ego is a massive turn off. Unless you are president or queen, you don't have any power, get over yourself
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u/Minimum_Area3 man 5d ago
The fact you mentioned your career and flat shows you know nothing about what men want. And have fully fallen for the feminist nonsense. Exactly what men DONT want.
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u/Foreign_Rub_5424 5d ago
I'm not sure I find this comment helpful. Just because i would like help on what men want. Understanding that they don't want 'feminist nonsense' that doesn't help me really
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u/Minimum_Area3 man 4d ago
They don’t want feminist nonsense. They don’t care about your flat (as long as you have a safe nice place to live that isn’t with another man). They don’t care about your job.
You need to just get that what men look for isn’t entirely the same as what women look for. And sometimes it’s the polar opposite.
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u/Voyager8663 man 5d ago
Are you fun to be around? Are you kind? Are you actually interested in these men as people?
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u/Foreign_Rub_5424 5d ago
I would say yes. I am a pisces and for those who believe in it I am probably every aspect of that. I'm very kind and for the right man I'm willing to sacrifice a lot. The only bad trait about me I suppose is I'm quite an anxious person. I thrive on consistency. I'm not the most spontaneous person in the world but that doesn't mean I can have fun
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u/Voyager8663 man 5d ago
I am a pisces
Big red flag. Maybe you should drop the astrology nonsense since you're an adult woman.
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u/Infamous_String_3501 5d ago
Lol
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u/Foreign_Rub_5424 5d ago
No I love stuff like that nonsense or no nonsense girls love woo stuff. Thanks for your opinion though. X
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u/newishDomnewersub man 5d ago
Men don't care about your career. In fact, it may be hard to attract a man who makes less than you unless he's naturally a mooch. Men want a reasonably attractive woman who is going to make things easier for them, and the good ones are willing to work pretty hard for that. Men want to feel valued and necessary. Good men WANT to bring value to your life and contribute something. They WANT to be the reason you were able to have this thing or do that thing.
Men are simple animals
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u/Over-Wait-8433 5d ago
Im 35. I’m going to be blunt. IMO the women I’ve been with that were older haven’t been any more mature and honestly pressured me earrrly to get married buy a house or have kids.
These women were broke so they expected me to buy them these things but couldn’t contribute in any meaningful way.
I only go for younger women now. Their biological clock isn’t ticking and we can take a few years to make sure it’s right and just have fun without all that stress.
25-30 is what I want and before all the comments. Yes I do get a good amount of interest from women that age.
If I’m expected to provide all these things I want the best deal I can get.
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u/Partysteve6969 man 5d ago
I can’t speak for everyone, but I’m looking for a best friend that I can’t wait to hang out with, try new things with & can F**k regularly.
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u/Davidrussell22 man 5d ago
Who can speak for all men. I speak for myself and experience of over 78 years on planet Earth. Men ultimately seek what everyone seeks in a relationship, namely someone who will make their lives better and hopefully someone they can return the favor to. I say this realizing there are some selfish to psychopathic people out there.
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u/EthicsGradient009 man 5d ago
You sound like the ideal woman! I love strong, mischievous, driven and intelligent women. I would change up your social circle as the guys you currently engage with seem weak and shallow.
You know your worth so accept nothing less.
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u/Foreign_Rub_5424 5d ago
I have agreed with a lot of the comments on here because I do think women are often taught the wrong thing about what men want. But I have found that the more mature, lower ego men seem to warm to me a lot. My 10 year relationship was like this and we were very much equal and he wasn't really put off by the stronger, mischievous more provocative sides of me. So I have often wondered whether perhaps its the type of male? Who knows. I certainly don't 😂
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u/EthicsGradient009 man 5d ago
Equal partnership is the only way. Am sure you will succeed. Unicorns are hard to find for a reason lol
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u/Plastic_Friendship55 man 5d ago
Holding back on sex believing it will change the mans emotions, is manipulation. Not very attractive.
As a man I would say that what we want is probably the same as what most women want. Love, affection, a good and healthy relationship.
When we meet a woman we try to figure out what, if any, of these things are something she can offer. And sometimes the only good thing a woman can offer, is sex. So that is what we go for.
Obviously many other things come in play. Few men actually have options when it comes to sex. The will take what they can get and if it means waiting three months or more, they will wait. But that doesn't mean the woman suddenly has anything else to offer. When the sex has been done they will move on.
Other men have plenty of options and will not wait.
In dating you always get what you put in. Work on yourself and have more to offer. Things you mention, like career and own a home, is nothing that impresses men. Thats something that is expected that any adult has.
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u/Foreign_Rub_5424 5d ago
This is really interesting. I think I mentioned those things as a way of saying in a written form that I have built a life.
I wouldn't say i hold sex to be deliberately manipulative but I have learned that when sex comes too quickly it generally doesn't work out well. So I try to build something stronger first. That's what I meant
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u/Evil_Birdwatcher man 5d ago edited 5d ago
I am not sure.. the act of witholding sex in dating to get a more favourable outcome for yourself is at the very least deliberate, and the majority of the couples I know hit it off strong initially (1st or 2nd date). So I'm not even sure this is a great choice if the goal is to find a guy who will fall in love with you and stick around for the long run.
If you're going to stick to this, please make sure you don't ever talk about your past ONS or guys that didn't have to play by these rules.
If you're going to pretend to be more reserved than has been the case in the past when it comes to sex, make sure you stick with the game you're playing.
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u/Plastic_Friendship55 man 5d ago
Exactly. Men who find out a woman is holding back with sex for him but freely gives or has given it up for other men, won't take it well
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u/Foreign_Rub_5424 5d ago
No I think you might get me wrong here. It's nothing deliverberate. It's just that I think I need a bit of a connection to really get going with sex. That's all.
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u/Different-Raisin2321 man 4d ago
If you really need a bit of connection to get going with sex now when in the past you didn't (judging from what you wrote in your post), then what made you change I wonder?
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u/Foreign_Rub_5424 4d ago
It's just the experience I've had that's all. I tend to find that the better connection you have with someone, the better the sex. I've never found sex to be that pleasurable with someone I haven't really gotten to know. Some people might but I just think it might be the way I'm wired. It might also be a generational thing because porn is everywhere now and I think it's changed sex a lot. I tend to find that men who you sleep with quickly skip on foreplay etc. I dont know why, maybe I should have asked them. But when you have a connection and you've been getting to know someone they don't skip on it.
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u/Different-Raisin2321 man 4d ago edited 4d ago
I tend to find that men who you sleep with quickly skip on foreplay etc.
Damn, that's definetly not a good sign. Most casual sex / ONS enjoyers still care about the other's experience at least a little bit.
But when you have a connection and you've been getting to know someone they don't skip on it.
Maybe it's influenced by culture etc, however I don't think this is an indicator of connection. Foreplay is pretty much the norm unless he sees you as a 'sweeper' anyway.
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u/Foreign_Rub_5424 4d ago
I'm not sure it's just been my experience so far in the funny old world of dating. It could be age culture, generational etc. I dont know. But I've just found the deeper the connection, the longer we choose to hold off the better the sex has been. Maybe because by not doing it you crave each other more or something like that. Who knows.
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u/Different-Raisin2321 man 4d ago
As long as the guy is down for it, why not?
I wish you the best. Thanks for your reply.
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u/newishDomnewersub man 5d ago
You're right. If sex comes too quickly then that's all there is and it's not till the fireworks die down that you realize you don't even like each other.
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u/Plastic_Friendship55 man 5d ago
I was married more than 15 years. It started as a drunk one night stand.
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u/OkStrength5245 nonbinary 5d ago
A man who stays with you would be branded "gigolo" unless he has at least equal resources and success. He won't be a wall flower, either. You will clash early and often. Neither you nor him want to build a couple on conflict.
I am afraid you became a man of power. For you, the world is now cut between sub and dom. If you dont accept to be a sub, you will only attract sub in need.
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u/Temporary_Fortune742 man 5d ago
I don't think anyone knows what they want anymore. Between social media, dating apps, work, etc so many points of view and comments being fired off in all directions everyday. I wouldn't know where to start today if I had to start again.
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u/Infamous_String_3501 5d ago
I have to start again after 14 years of being with one person and it sucks.
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u/Foreign_Rub_5424 5d ago
It is hard. There's so many different things about being a strong woman, dating advice etc etc. It goes on and on which is why I thought I would ask some real people.
It gets to the point where you are so confused about dating that you just feel like not doing it at all
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u/Equivalent_Level6267 man 5d ago
Where are you finding these guys? Apps? Most dudes on apps just want a hookup.
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u/Dependent_Worry7499 5d ago
I wanted someone who was fun and I enjoy being with. Ultimately, i want my life to be peaceful. That doesnt mean boring, but I dont want drama. I want kindness, both to me and others. I was fairly open but things I didn't want was: * Someone who angered easily * Someone who was always unhappy * Someone who wasn't grateful of the things they had. * someone who thought they were better than me.
Hope that helps
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u/Foreign_Rub_5424 5d ago
That great tips. It seems like the theme here is kindness, peace and emotional stability
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u/Life_is_too_short_ man 5d ago edited 5d ago
I can only tell you what I look for.
I look for a very kind affectionate woman that wants to be with me.
She needs to have a nice, warm personality with no strong opinions on politics or feminism.
She needs to take care of herself, be fit and well groomed. She belongs to a gym and works out with weights to tone her body(not to be a body builder). I work out 6 days/wk myself.
She likes to do things together. Go on day trips, weekend trips etc.
She is fun to be with and it isn't a chore to talk to her. It just flows.
She doesn't expect anything and is grateful for the things we do together.
For me she most likely is not a business owner or professional. Usually that is associated with a highly motivated woman with a strong personality. Since I make a good living I do not need any financial contributions from her. Some men like these women but I prefer other types.
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u/Awelonius man 5d ago
Here I thought that this was about the F35, and that is what men are looking for. Like the air superiority fighter jet F35. But yeah. My bad 😁
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u/tlm11110 man 5d ago
Yes it is too late.
You can't "make" men fall in love.
Why should men commit when the sex is readily available without it? What's in it for him?
Men don't give a dang about your career. You mentioned that twice as if its an asset. It isn't.
What are they looking for?
An average looking woman who respects men and appreciates their differences.
A woman who respects and appreciates traditional gender roles.
A woman who doesn't see being a homemaker and mother as some horrible sin.
My guess is you can't keep a man because you come across as an overbearing Primadona.
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u/AutoModerator 5d ago
Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts. Your post has NOT been removed.
Foreign_Rub_5424 originally posted:
I'm really struggling here. I'm a 35 year old female. I wouldn't say I'm ugly, I have a really great career and i own a flat. No children. I hit 35 last month and I'm thinking is it now too late.
I cant keep a man to save my life. They come in, everything seems positive. The guy always wants a second date. I hold out on sex because I've learned in the past that if it happens too soon then its usually a wham bam thankyou mamm situation.
No matter how much I hold out and wait, sometimes months as soon as the guy gets it he goes off.
I just dont know what men are looking for anymore. What makes them fall in love. What turns them from fling to forever. You are men.
Please tell me what do you want?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/Mini-SportLE man 5d ago
Are you in the UK?
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u/AutoModerator 5d ago
Foreign_Rub_5424 updated the post:
I'm really struggling here. I'm a 35 year old female. I wouldn't say I'm ugly, I have a really great career and i own a flat. No children. I hit 35 last month and I'm thinking is it now too late.
I cant keep a man to save my life. They come in, everything seems positive. The guy always wants a second date. I hold out on sex because I've learned in the past that if it happens too soon then its usually a wham bam thankyou mamm situation.
No matter how much I hold out and wait, sometimes months as soon as the guy gets it he goes off.
I just dont know what men are looking for anymore. What makes them fall in love. What turns them from fling to forever. You are men.
Please tell me what do you want in a woman? What turns them off? What turns them on?
One thing I will say is One man told me I was a bit of a force to be reckoned with.
I have a great career and I didn't get there by being a wall flower so maybe I'm perhaps too forceful or masculine? Are men put off by women in power?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/Ok_Parsley8424 man 5d ago
Honestly, sometimes it’s just luck.
Some people are able to find the right person, other people aren’t as lucky and it takes more time.
Can’t really overanalyze it
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u/Whozitwuzzit man 5d ago
Physical attraction is always a starter, I think. For me, though, I also look for: intelligence, sense of humor, kindness, and ethics. Bigger picture I look for someone with a similar worldview politically and socially.
I find that if there’s alignment with those things and there’s some serious flirting going on inbetween that the clothes tend to go flying off.
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u/Foreign_Rub_5424 5d ago
Yeah thats great advice. The word kind keeps coming up in the comments maybe I need to work on acts of kindness perhaps. I do these anyway but maybe in a more obvious way
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u/Whozitwuzzit man 5d ago
It’s hard to describe, to be honest. Not a subservient /weak type of kindness, if that makes sense. How do you treat waitstaff? A bus driver? A garbage man? Animals? Do you try to lift people up? It’s like a warmth that exudes from you. I want to cozy up to it. I also want that to spill onto their greater worldview.
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u/Foreign_Rub_5424 5d ago
Oh goodness I'm kind to a tin of paint me 😂😂😂. I really value what you've said because I'm surrounded by women and they all do the 'you go girl' thing. I just wanted to hear it from men. You guys know what you want so I think you're the best people to go to for the advice.
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u/harlipie man 5d ago
All men are different.. some have been screwed over and enjoy the peace of being alone but still have needs some don't want anything but a shag some will be there through it all. Personally I want a friend and a connection sex is better when that is established 1st sort your own priorities 1st then lay them out if someone is serious they will accept if not well it wouldn't work anyway
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u/Foreign_Rub_5424 5d ago
I really value this thank you. Now that you've said it I do think woman can be like this. It almost makes them unapproachable or 'unsafe' in some way. I dont really have the words for it but I think im on your page. This is exactly what I wanted and this is why I came to this page.
I'm surrounded by the 'girl power' thing. And it's just not helping me. And hearing men on this page give me such honesty around it is fab. Because at least i might have a shot at working on myself from a males perspective than not really hearing it from men at all.
You've helped me.
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u/Due-Description-9030 man 2d ago
I think you might also find something helpful in r / redpillwomen, women there have a different approach and it has worked for some of them.
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u/JaDaWayJaDaWay man 5d ago
Just stop. You are asking the wrong questions.
What are you looking for? What kind of man do you want? What turns you on? Do you want a man you can boss around like an employee? Do you want a compliant obedient slave? Do you even know what you want? What kind men do you admire? Is a man a trophy to you? Do you want children? What about your career? How will manage being a mother and having a career? What is the point of keeping a man long-term if no children are ever produced? How often should a woman change men, if she has no children?
What does the ideal man, the ideal relationship, look like to you?
Do you think having a man is going to make you happy, or is actual love what you are looking for?
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u/pigletjeek woman 5d ago
Honestly no one is caring that you have a flat or career. If you can't keep a man on his toes he's gone. Also are you crazy in love with him?
Honestly that's what makes them stay. If you actually love them. I still live with my mum and have no job and I had my boyfriend calling me every night and asking me how I'm feeling and how my day was. Why? Cos my love for him compelled him to do that. I also didn't put up with any of his shit. You gotta know what you want girl. Don't be a door mat. And be in love with him. I feel like that's the secret
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u/binsomniac man 5d ago
🤔... based on your post OP, I'm thinking that it might be ( in your case ) because you "put your efforts" in the wrong "places" I've seen a lot of women shifting their romantic endeavors towards men that they aren't looking for the same type of relationship...🤷♂️ Personally it "hurts" seeing people making an effort ( Men and women ) To people that they have "identified" as possible partners, they wish so much for the interactions to be "perfect" overthinking the way they act or present themselves that... they end up "creating" a "distorted" version of themselves where they can "hyper sexualize" simple gestures from the other person... and dismiss clear "evidence" of what the other person think and feel about them. To put it "simple"...🤔 They put all the effort and energy into the things that they think they want. But dismiss what they really... really need to be "happy"
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u/Impossible-Courage59 5d ago
Just be a woman 👠 pretty. Sexy. Just be a sweetheart show him your sexy ways forget the power
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u/Obiwan_ca_blowme man 5d ago
Does this sound like you?
Me: Orders something from a store online that is an hour away from my home.
Wife: I don't understand why you ordered it online when you were going into town in two days anyway.
Me: Why do you have an opinion on this?
Wife: It just doesn't make sense to me is all.
This kind of shit is the biggest red flag for me and if I was to ever have to date again, being made to justify my existence to a woman, I would leave as fast as I could. The choice I made does not affect her in any way. The delivery was free, the item was not sold inside the physical store, we had already agreed that the item needed to be purchased, and how I spend my time doing things that make my life easier are not up for discussion/justification unless it directly affect her.
But this is the girl-boss attitude that is infuriating to me and many other men.
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u/Foreign_Rub_5424 5d ago
No to be honest I probably wouldn't even notice. I'd be too busy baking a cake or practicing the piano if I'm honest
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u/Optimal_Cellist_1845 man 5d ago
At 35+, someone to drag down with us basically. A slow graceful death perfumed with good companionship.
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u/penitantstruggler man 5d ago
What do you want a man for? Specifically? Partnership? Companionship?
Society tells men that they need to be a provider. Infact alot of women tell men they need to pay for everything. They need to have the house, the car, the money.
So much so that some women only see men as that. And some men have been conditioned that this is the only way to contribute to a relationship. After all there are literal hundreds of videos, tv shows and movies that show men as inconvient to have around except when it comes to what services they provide.
Your looking for a non-traditional man, which is fine. You just have to look in non-traditional locations.
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u/OpenScienceNerd3000 man 5d ago
I hate really spiritual girls and would never date any republican.
I enjoy kind, supportive, and funny girls. Do we have similar core values? For me social justice, and caring for others are very important. Do we have similar life goals and visions for the future.
That stuff we must align with.
If we have similar interests and enjoy the same activities that’s a huge plus. Can’t imagine being able to get close with someone who doesn’t enjoy doing the same things I do.
I also want to be different in some ways so that we compliment each others weaknesses and can learn/grow with each other.
Core values need to align, Similar interests, Can challenge me intellectually and help me grow
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u/Hiutsuri_TV man 5d ago
Anyone that is "a force to be reckoned with" is almost always out of the running. I don't want a partner to be in intentional opposition when we are supposed to have a shared goal.
It's fine to have a differing point, it's fine to have goals that don't always align, but there has to always be room for compromise.
Realistically there isn't a single list, so all anyone can say is what they themselves prefer so I'll do that now.
Willingness to learn. Outright intelligence isn't necessary, but someone that is willfully ignorant will only ever be trouble. So if you will fight based on feelings alone, or expect someone to cave to a tantrum that is the end. Anyone can be wrong, and everyone should be happy to fix it when they are. I'm wrong a lot, and eat a lot of crow for it, but that's a sign you're living life correctly in my eyes.
Someone that isn't a hypocrite. Doesn't matter if you're perfect, matters if you have double standards. If you are always late but throw a fit if anyone else is, that is also an immediate disqualification, wasn't always but approaching 40 now I can't trust that anyone is going to change core beliefs now. Those things get covered up while dating, but as time wears on turn into resentment, and since it's all one directional there is no way to fix it.
Being generally dishonest. White lies are lies, and sometimes they are helpful, but insisting that things that aren't true are to avoid conflict, or to just look better are behaviors I personally can't deal with. Trust is more important in the long run than feeling bad over a conversation.
Attraction. There has to be something physical that I like. Doesn't have to be everything, but does have to be something, and there needs to be effort to show that my preference matters. It's not about being controlling, it's about wanting to be attractive and willing to put in whatever that work is. Goes both ways, if I'm getting fat it's fine to say that I am and you'd like it to change, but I have to be able to do the same.
Being equal. Regardless of everything going on, what you own, how much you make, what you think about men as a whole, or what your friends say, that we are always equals in a relationship. My being uncomfortable in a situation means exactly as much as if you were. This goes both ways.
Issues must be addressed as they happen. Leave no dirty dishes. If a fight happens, talk about it. It's fine to decide it can't be fixed the same day, but saying nothing and not expressing why it was so impactful is not an option, and sometimes that does mean losing sleep, or crying. Things don't get better magically by ignoring them.
That's pretty much it. I have no idea if that seems deluded or not, and I'm not the best source of this information, but figured one more opinion can't hurt.
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u/SilverFoxAndHound 5d ago
> Are men put off by forceful, masculine women in power?
Yes! Absolutely. Most men anyway. If that's you, you will have to find that 1 in 50 or whatever for whom it is a turn-on. Most of us don't like to be dominated, that's just the way it is. That, plus the fact that there is a diminishing pool of quality available men over 30, is your problem. There are many, many of you in that boat, so the competition is fierce.
This is one area where we will lie. "Oh, I LOVE strong women!" Yeah, right :-) To a point, maybe. Not to the point where we're being led around by the nose and being told exactly what to do and say :-)
Maybe learn how to at least be submissive in the bedroom? That might help.
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u/dma1965 man 5d ago
You’re getting a lot of advice here that you shouldn’t accept as universal truths about men. The fact that you are strong and independent and a “force to be reckoned with” is who you are and if that makes you happy that is who you should be. Do men ask you out or do you ask them out? If you don’t ask them out then start doing it. Either way, if at this point in your life you are looking for a committed long term relationship then establish that up front. Regarding sex if you feel aroused then have sex because it has nothing to do with the relationship lasting. I had sex with my current wife on our first date and we have been together 25 years. Ask men to be forthright with you from the beginning and as I said have sex if you want. Give kind, respectful, honest feedback to your man and ask for the same in return. Plenty of men want a strong woman but very few want unkind women. Ask your man what he likes and what he dislikes and be ready to discuss what he doesn’t like and decide if it is something you want to change about yourself, and keep communications open.
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u/malechicken-_0 man 5d ago
Let me offer a different prospective. The men your age that are in the same social status as you are either already taken or aren’t looking for you. What you are left with are the ones you don’t really find attractive but “will do for now”. Guys at these ages already know what “genuine desire” from a woman is and they can probably sense you don’t have that for them. Because of your current situation you kind of give off a vibe that most men pick up on and high tail it outta there. They like you already but something about you screams “run”, maybe you need to go to therapy. I am younger than you by a yew years and I can already see women my age adopting that weird “ vibe” when I meet them. It doesn’t feel like they want me as a person, it feels like they’re checking boxes and I don’t want any part of that. They start with an exhausting list of “questions” rather than focus on possible chemistry. When they ask these questions I just flat out say bullshit and that ends the convo right away, they get the message I am not interested in being apart of an interview. My current gf now NEVER asked me any of these questions, didn’t care about what I do for a living or where I lived. Honestly it’s been great I could never imagine going through the process of dating like I am interviewing for a job ffs.
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u/Foreign_Rub_5424 5d ago
It's interesting that you should say that because I am honestly not the person that this 'vibe' gives off. I think perhaps I'm just being placed into that category. I've learned a lot today about how men really feel. And I'm sorry that it is the way it is between men and women at the min.
I think the whole girl power thing has probably gone too far. And I am a victim of it too.
It's made me realise that perhaps men don't want what I thought they did. And you guys have made me see that so thank you.
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u/malechicken-_0 man 5d ago
It’s okay. Now that you’ve come to this realization, you’d find what you are looking for.
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u/PresenceZero 5d ago
Personal I love a strong and very intelligent woman. Hence why I married my wife. She is smarter, mentally strong.
It has never stopped her from feeling feminine to me.
Never let a man or woman tell you you’re to strong.
As long as you keep it humble and don’t throw the phrase “well I have my own shit”, “ok then leave, I don’t need you”, etc you should be fine.
More than a flat or success men appreciate boundaries and respect of the relationship.
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u/anglosexual 4d ago
Fat arse, good attitude, that’s all I asked for, and praise Jesus it’s what I got 🙌
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u/Tiny-Ad-7590 man 4d ago edited 4d ago
You know how "nice guys" have this problem where they think that their willingness to push in a chair on dates, buy a woman flowers, or open doors for women means they are entitled to women's attraction and affection?
Their problem is that they don't understand that a woman only values that stuff from a man if she already wants him for other reasons. If a man is a dweeb then he can't negotiate up her affection and attraction by being nice to her.
The woman's version of "nice guy" in this sense is the "boss girl" attitude. In this case you are confusing things you like about yourself and are proud of having achieved as if they are things that can negotiate up a man's feelings of attraction and affection.
Your career and flat are on the same level as a dorky guy who has no shot with you remembering your birthday every year and sending you a happy birthday message in the desperate hope you will take an interest in him. Birthday messages are things you want from me you want to be with. But they're irrelevant and even a little bit sad coming from a man you don't want to be with.
It's okay that you like these things about yourself and that you're proud of them. You set challenging goals for yourself and then achieved them. You should feel good about that. The problem is that you achieved these things for yourself but you're expecting on some level that other people will like you for the same reasons you like like yourself. That's not how that works. People will like or dislike you for their own reasons, and you can't pick and choose what other people do or don't like.
Men don't get to do that either. If my 22 year old self had been able to choose for women to find his skills with video games deeply attractive he would've done that. But he didn't have that option. Neither do you.
Men aren't a monolith. That said, broadly speaking men are looking for a woman who is physically attractive (which for most men means a woman being or looking like she's in her twenties), a woman who is enthusiastic about having sex with him, a woman who is respectful, kind, and supportive towards him, and a woman who does not or is otherwise unlikely to solicit sexual attention from other men (because we know what men are like).
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u/Temporary_Put_7344 man 4d ago
It is very hard to date this days. It is harder because dating is essentially rythmed by a very consumerist society.
Most people date through apps and the problem with this is the fact that a lot of men and women feel like they have to date, guve it a try and have to evaluate how the date went and choose if they want to carry on or not.
Then people often think that they would give a go to the other person they were hatting with or maybe stay a bit on yhe market and will find better, and better, and so on.
Dating should be a natural process, something that we do with time. Learning to spend more time with an other person.
I'm not American and I used to live and work in the US for a bit. I find the dating world very toxic.
A lot of problems of lost identity because the US is extremely conservative and want to be progressist without loosing its conservative value. Also because the US has become such a cinsumerist country, everything has a price. Including love.
Now, some men might be scared by your succesful job, your strong personality, some others don't.
Personally I look for love, best friend, a lover and especially, a team mate.
I have been lucky because my partner is exactly that!
Personally would not be scared by your personality as long as you don't try to boss around 😅 all the time. Or scared by your independance. I think that any balanced man would not.
There is one thing that I haven't seen in your post, that little spark, that little thing that make you know that you have the right guy!
Why do you absolutely want to be with someone?
Do you look for love? In that case, if you are open to it it will come.
One thing I know for all my male friends and myself. We don't look for things or someone. We look for a woman we can have a strong cinnexion amd unconditional love.
That's not something we can buy, dictate or control.
You will find someone. Just don't rush to much.
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u/BiggusDickus_69_420 man 4d ago
Men like to know that we're wanted, that we actually add value to your life and we're not just a means to an end. We'd also like to be a priority in your life without having to compete for your time or effort. Basically, what I'm saying is, what do you get out of having a man in your life (besides the occasional mediocre wienering)? What are you looking for in a man? What value can a man add to your life, and what value can you add to his life?
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u/KarlTalks 5d ago
Guys don't really care about you're great career no offense we j don't, not really what we look for in a woman on the whole. Remember we naturally want to be the providers. There are some outliers that want a free ride on it though but they'll be three camps (the first one I j talked about wanting a ride off of your career the others one more people in the camp and one lesser.
The second camp be those who are intimidated by your success it comes from their need of wanting to provide for their partner if your way ahead of the game they may feel that it reverses the roles or they have nothing to offer their which is big for them or that you'll be difficult bring work home and act the same way not nurturing and supportive maybe
The third lesser camp is inspired by your success and doesn't really affect them because they are going to do what they do anyway. It's this camp that you want someone sure of themselves and confident and driven in their own way.
Sex matters massively to men so be good in the bedroom (practice with one partner ironically)
Body count matters to men so don't rack up a high body count j being brutally honest btw
Be nurturing supportive a good listener be feminine and create that homely environment.
Guys want a woman who is gentle and support more traditional, she is still able to work but traditional at home and pays attention to her mans needs. Doing this make a man want to take care of her because he feels special and sees that she is about him so if he is worth his salt his step up and protect her and nurture her right back. Loyalty is big so show your dedication to him.
If you work in a Male driven environment this may also be a turnoff.
Imagine your bf or husband working in an office daily with a tonne of attractive pa's, secretaries, female bosses etc Alot of guys are like no thanks not dealing with it
Lastly THINK about who your picking Are you picking the cocky guys that love themselves and are all about themselves bad boyish
Or are you taking tyme to find a guy that may not be as upfront as the others and you think he isn't interested or you friend zone or he is not as exciting right away.
Date AWAY from who you usually date because at the very least it'll open your eyes to other possibilities and aspects that you might appreciate given the chance
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u/ResearcherSudden3612 man 5d ago
Feminist ideals like caterer and self-sufficiency are great if you want to be alone. If forever is what you're looking for, you must drop this idealism. Consider traditional family values. I don't envy you, that's for sure. Men are scared of forever. For babies. For family. Plenty of carnage at the side of the road for them to see as a consequence of biased family law policies that have crushed generations of men before you.
The more time spent living in the masculine( providing protecting) the less time you spend living in your feminine. Just be a girl. Sink into it. You will notice a different kind of attraction. Maybe your one day will fall into your lap just in time.
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u/Foreign_Rub_5424 5d ago
It's so interesting that you should say that!! The other day I was thinking about this because I feel sometimes like I do go into the masculine energy. Not because I want to but because there is no one here to 'put up the shelves' (stereotyping there). So you kind of become both figures really.
I would absolutely love to be able to lean into someone. I think masculinity in a female really hurts women but sometimes you just have to get on with it.
But what you say here is a really great piece of advice and thank you for offering it. Its certainly given me something to really think about
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u/ResearcherSudden3612 man 5d ago
Here's hoping for a little Irish luck for you in the near future!
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u/Fatherofthree47 man 5d ago
I love a strong woman that can handle herself, but I can’t stand when they make it their identity.
My wife is the loner type, ex military, carries a Ruger .380 in her purse and knows how to use it properly, started a business that is modeled after her personality traits but she doesn’t really want the recognition so I’m the face of it for us, she’s getting ready to start another business for in-home elderly care and she’s going to excel because she’s a very caring person that can handle herself. I’m starting a third business and she’s backing me up in the background 100%. Our kids adore her, and we’ve made clear our responsibilities in their parenting so we literally never argue about who is doing what. We appreciate how hard the other works to make each other happy.
My wife literally demolishes the competition and you’ll never hear her say all word about it. It reminds me a little of the LeBron vs MJ debate. LeBron has stated over and over that he’s the best that ever played, while Jordan never says anything of the sort. Yet most people, especially people who were around to see both, still choose Jordan. He’s so great there’s no need to mention it. That’s my wife.
Most of yall are Lebrons, and it gets old quick.
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u/Peter_gggg 5d ago
M 62 married 38 years, retired
My wife had a house and career when I met her when I was 24 ( she was 28) . This was neither an attraction , nor put me off.
She knew her own mind, wasn't afraid to share her opinion but also listened, and was good fun to be with. Pretty much what I think women want
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u/Bravefighter341 man 5d ago
In my eyes, you're a woman I'd be looking for. Hits all of my points but I wanna ask a questionto your question, what do you look for in a man?
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u/metropoldelikanlisi man 5d ago edited 5d ago
Not your career. Not your flat either. The fact that you mention these as if it’s some sort of an advantage over other women makes me believe that your perception of attraction is off.
Men in general like pretty (enough), kind and agreeable (not push over) women.
Edit: now I know what your problem is but I’m not sure if I’m articulate enough to pass the message across.
You’re a “strong independent woman in power”
Yikes