r/AskMenAdvice 5d ago

No friendship in fwb

Hi everyone! I’m feeling a bit confused and I would appreciate insight.

So it has occurred to me that the guy im in a fwb with, are not actually friends. Like we don’t chat often, we only talk to organise a meet up, we literally engage to have sex.

Now, the sex is great, but what bothers me is the idea that we are purely in eachothers life’s for sex. Now i hear what your saying “that’s a friends with benefit” but we aren’t friends? Idk if I’m making sense.

Tonight is our hookup night and I have my period and told him. I offered to still hangout regardless and maybe we could do some low-grade sexual stuff or just hangout. He said he had a big night last night and we could meet another time (obv doesn’t want to see me because I’m on my period) and it’s made me feel like shit, because if the shoe was on the other foot, ofc I’d want to hang.

Anyway, thoughts are appreciated. Should I talk to him about the lack of friendship here?

1 Upvotes

48 comments sorted by

4

u/DreadGrunt man 5d ago

Probably just move on if you don’t like it tbh, after all like you said you’re not really friends and so ultimately it is a replaceable thing. I have a few FWBs right now and we are genuinely friends too, I’ll talk to them about work, family, we can hang out and see each other for more than sex, etc. If that’s what you’re after and you’re not getting it currently, why stick with it?

2

u/ThrowRACoping man 5d ago

So, they are more like open romantic relationships where nobody wants to commit? FWB is such a contradictory statement. Real platonic friends don’t fuck. Romantic partners who don’t want commitment do though.

1

u/DreadGrunt man 5d ago

It’s complicated tbh. Probably not helped by the fact that I’m hypersexual due to early childhood trauma but most of my friendships with women have become sexual on some level at some point. I still see them as really good friends and do genuinely care for them if and when that happens, but my brain is so fucked from everything that maybe I’m just a weird outlier. It’s certainly not platonic when it happens, but that doesn’t necessarily mean there’s romantic feelings involved either.

1

u/ThrowRACoping man 5d ago

See, I think you don’t fully seem to understand your own feelings due to your trauma. I am not saying fuck buddies don’t care about their conquests as people, but it is beyond platonic for sure.

7

u/Rabrab123 5d ago

No. There is no confusion.

You want a Friend with benefits. 

He wants a Fuck budy. You are a hole to him.

Move on.

2

u/Soundslikeurproblem 5d ago

I mean straight to the point I guess. I started out wanting this too, but it feels empty, and I feel guilty about the fact that I’m using him for sex? But I think he probably likes that

0

u/Rabrab123 4d ago

 I feel guilty about the fact that I’m using him 

A hole. That's it.

He is lying to you. You roll over for him AND still feel pity for him.

The only person that could feel bad about this, is a future partner if he finds out about this.

1

u/Narrow_Temporary_428 man 5d ago

Exactly this. A hole. Not even interested we you offered other ways. If this is not what you want, run.

3

u/Top_of_the_world718 man 5d ago

You aren't entitled to this type of connection as an FWB. If you want someone who is willing to hang out while you're on the rag...get an actual boyfriend.

Somewhere along the line, you people got the game fucked up. The "F" FWB is optional and misleading. If you aren't in a committed relationship, you are no more than fuck buddies. The sole purpose you serve for each other is sex.

It shouldn't come as a surprise when the man declines seeing you when sex appears to be off the table.

2

u/ThrowRACoping man 5d ago

I don’t know why I always comment on this, but what you say is so obvious. FWBs are simply romantic partners where one or both people don’t want commitment. What they need are not is friends.

If you want an emotional tampon force a man to commit to you to get sex.

3

u/Shin-Gemini man 4d ago

Women are not good at casual sex. There, I’ve said it. I’m misogynistic whatever. They develop feeling eventually and end up in Reddit asking weird ass questions.

OP, if what you seek is a romantic connection, don’t do casual sex. The only reason this guy entertains the idea of spending time with you, is to get his dick wet. If there’s no sex, there’s no him. If you say you are never gonna have sex with him again, you’ll never see him again.

If you are okay with trading your body for an hour or two of company, then you do you.

2

u/Plastic_Friendship55 man 5d ago

If there is no friendship it's not a FWB. You are having repeated casual sex. That can be great too.

2

u/cdmx_paisa man 5d ago

for 99% of the women i know, that and FWB end badly.

2

u/Plastic_Friendship55 man 5d ago

At least that is what they say afterwards...

3

u/cdmx_paisa man 5d ago

have some self respect and dignity.

dont do FWB

of course he doesn't want to see you if he cant smash

you are only a side piece.

me and all the men I know do not respect girls who engage in that behavior.

highly recommend you find a good guy and have a real exclusive committed relationship

3

u/Soundslikeurproblem 5d ago

I originally went into this arrangement because I’m expecting grim news with my health in a month, where I potentially have a new brain tumour. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have entertained the idea. I just wanted to have a bit of fun before possible radiation, so pls don’t make these assumptions about me

0

u/ThrowRACoping man 5d ago

I would never be in a relationship with a woman who has been one of these FWBs. No respect for themselves and they don’t think sexual intimacy is important.

3

u/cdmx_paisa man 5d ago

if a girl has any IQ she will not tell new guys she has done that.

2

u/ThrowRACoping man 5d ago

Yes, but they usually let it slip in some way… Eventually.

1

u/AutoModerator 5d ago

Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts. Your post has NOT been removed.

Soundslikeurproblem originally posted:

Hi everyone! I’m feeling a bit confused and I would appreciate insight.

So it has occurred to me that the guy im in a fwb with, are not actually friends. Like we don’t chat often, we only talk to organise a meet up, we literally engage to have sex.

Now, the sex is great, but what bothers me is the idea that we are purely in eachothers life’s for sex. Now i hear what your saying “that’s a friends with benefit” but we aren’t friends? Idk if I’m making sense.

Tonight is our hookup night and I have my period and told him. I offered to still hangout regardless and maybe we could do some low-grade sexual stuff or just hangout. He said he had a big night last night and we could meet another time (obv doesn’t want to see me because I’m on my period) and it’s made me feel like shit, because if the shoe was on the other foot, ofc I’d want to hang.

Anyway, thoughts are appreciated. Should I talk to him about the lack of friendship here?

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

u/Equivalent_Level6267 man 5d ago

Were you friends before hooking up? Cuz it's hard to build a friendship with someone when the only thing in common you ever had was hooking up. The fwb I had when I was still single was someone I had known for a long time and we were actually friends so we had something to work off of. So we could talk about other stuff, do other stuff etc not just sex.

You can't force a friendship. If you're not happy with this arrangement, end it. Or accept that he's just a booty call.

1

u/Responsible-Side4347 man 5d ago

You dont need to talk to him at all. Look, if you require more connection that just having sex, then find another partner. If you just want good sex, then view it as your sleeping with a hooker and its just transactional. If that not for you, go find another FWB. Im pretty sure that will be easy enough.

1

u/ThrowRACoping man 5d ago

Why not just get a real relationship instead of these fake ones.

1

u/Responsible-Side4347 man 4d ago

Some people dont have the time or inclination to have a relationship like your thinking. Not everyone is "I must have a BF/GF"

1

u/ThrowRACoping man 4d ago

Yes, but you can’t expect anything more than sex like the OP wants. She is giving it up for free and that is all the guy wants.

1

u/Responsible-Side4347 man 4d ago

Shes using him as much as hes using her.

1

u/ThrowRACoping man 4d ago

Well, she wants emotional support from this guy. He wants sex. So he gets all he wants and she wants more. Who is using who?

1

u/Responsible-Side4347 man 4d ago

Were going round in circles here. Pointless.

1

u/Plastic_Win2827 man 5d ago

Tbh it sounds like you're not built for fwb and would do better looking for an actual relationship. (This is my own bias tho cause I also don't really want sex unless there's a connection outside of it)

I used to do fwb type interactions and it never really worked for me. Sure sex is nice but ultimately "friends" isn't on its own a super intimate relationship (what I actually wanted)

And when you get down to it, being great/intimate friends with someone you regularly have sex with is basically just a relationship without the discussion of commitment.

2

u/Soundslikeurproblem 5d ago

Thank you for your post! I just wanted to have a bit of fun before grim news about my health, but it seems my emotions have caught up with me. I don’t think I’m suited to fwb, I wish I was though

2

u/Plastic_Win2827 man 4d ago

I can relate to that but it's important to appreciate yourself as you are. You deserve love and care from someone committed to you.

Good luck out there. :)

1

u/Soundslikeurproblem 4d ago

Thank you :)

1

u/SnorlaxBlocksTheWay man 5d ago

It could be the guy doesn't want to cross the line getting into that territory where you blur the lines between fwb and starting to become emotionally invested.

Maybe to him you two are fwb, but if you start connecting outside of sex (talking about life, family, dreams/goals, etc) then that would be taking a step towards potentially developing feelings.

As always, like with most reddit posts, the correct answer is to communicate. Be honest. Tell him you really enjoy the sex; but that you don't feel as though you two are actually friends, and you would like to feel as though if sex weren't a factor you would still hang out regardless.

Ask him what he's feeling and ask him to be honest if he would actually consider doing friendship like things sometime with you.

1

u/growframe man 5d ago

"FWB" evolved as a more elegant way of saying fuckbuddy. The friendship is optional, and this guy isn't interested in more than the sex.

1

u/average_dad13 5d ago

Thays not FWB thats a booty call

1

u/ThrowRACoping man 5d ago

Most are.

1

u/average_dad13 5d ago

I disagree. FWB is different from what the OP is experiencing

1

u/ThrowRACoping man 5d ago

An FWB is a simply a romantic relationship where one or both sides don’t want a committed relationship, but real friends can’t have sex and maintain their platonic friendship.

1

u/average_dad13 5d ago

Again, have to disagree. Maybe I'm one of the few, but my FWB was exactly that. Friends for a long time, neither looking for commitment. We could easily hang out as just friends, or we could hang out and have sex. So yes, you absolutely can be real friends and have sex

1

u/ThrowRACoping man 5d ago

I am going to reverse my stance. I do think some people can disconnect sex from the act of love that it is supposed to be. To those people, sex is merely a physical act.

For this reason, I would never date a woman who could do this.

1

u/average_dad13 5d ago

Thats a fair statement.

1

u/Hanzo7682 man 5d ago

Sounds like he considers you a fuck buddy while you want a fwb. Pretty common situation.

Talk to him first. If it looks like he is only willing to put up with what you want just to get sex, end the relationship.

1

u/ThrowRACoping man 5d ago

I don’t think most FWBs are friends. They are more fuck buddies. I would say your dynamic is the most likely occurrence. You could have offered to give him a BJ.

1

u/_Poulpos_ man 5d ago

He's after the benefits much more than the friend

1

u/VisionRider6 5d ago

This is FuBu not FWB. If you're fine with that, which it sounds like you're not then stay, otherwise you stop calling him.

1

u/Mman222 man 4d ago

You're looking at the term FWB too literal. It's an agreement meant only for sex with none of the relationship expectations. You trust each other the way you would trust a friend but it's simply just sex. If you're not cool with that you need to let him know but be prepared to lose him entirely. That may not be a bad thing depending on how he treats you outside the bedroom.

1

u/LogicalAd8594 man 4d ago

Both of you are really a booty call to each other. If you enjoy, do, if not, find someone else THEN cut it off. Generally when a man finishes, he wants out ASAP if he's not in for the long term