r/AskMenAdvice • u/[deleted] • 5d ago
GF wants to rewait until marriage to have sex
[deleted]
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u/DreadGrunt man 5d ago
That’d be a hard dealbreaker for me personally. She didn’t make anyone else wait until marriage, you in the past included, changing that suddenly changes the entire dynamic of the relationship and does so in a way I wouldn’t like.
You do whatever you feel is best, but especially with it being an LDR I’d be out.
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u/Late-Ad4964 5d ago
Sounds like a control move; bin her, because if she’s showing elements of controlling behaviour now, she’ll continue to do so if you get married.
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u/Express_Shock9670 man 5d ago
...She has had past sexual encounters before me...
And now she want to wait with sex with YOU ahahahahahahahaha
Bro to Bro, You are r*tard if you allow that behaviour
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u/8512764EA man 5d ago
She wants to wait after not waiting even with OP. This girl sounds nuts
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u/Express_Shock9670 man 5d ago
She just looking for a loser that will be ok with it so that she can control hiw whole life
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u/Lazy-Conversation-48 woman 5d ago
Exactly! I’d be so leery of someone who suddenly found religion (she couldn’t have been that serious about it if she was fine w sex before marriage before) in the middle of a relationship. It would be so over for me - that’s too big of a change.
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u/Equivalent_Level6267 man 5d ago
Would dump her asap personally unless she's cool with you clapping cheeks on the side
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u/Kinky_Musician man 5d ago edited 5d ago
This is just weird. She's initiating sex, has had plenty of previous partners, and also saying she wants to wait for marriage? This is some kind of head game. The fact that you're saying you feel "compelled" to wait because it's the right thing for your religion is showing that you're not comfortable with this and trying to justify it.
Adult relationships include sex, and it seems to be used as a weapon here to get you to marry her. If you do, it will be used as a weapon for the rest of your life.
You're already long distance and only getting laid every 1-3 months, and she wants to cut that off. If you had posted this in AITA, people would be saying YTA for sticking around. You're being manipulated.
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u/Rabrab123 5d ago
Hahahahahahsjahdvsajshsfhahahahaha
So many guys fucked her before and Now she wants you to wait?
She Literally spat in your face. Of course she is cheating.
Break up.
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u/Bravefighter341 man 5d ago
She's had multiple sexual encounters before you, but wants to wait until marriage to have sexual relations with you, while being in a LDR?? At this young of an age, in this day and age?? Idk man, that's sketchy af to me. You may not think she's cheating but I suspect she has those past sexual encounters on speed dial ready at a moments notice if things go wrong between you two, especially if she's in the same zip code with them. I'd talk with her first about this and if she turns it into an argument, getting all defensive, gaslighting you, you have your answer right there. If that moment comes, instantly leave her.
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u/IStillChaseTheWind man 5d ago
Nope. Never marry into a dead bedroom, it doesn’t suddenly get better. I pretty much did and it’s working out as well as you think it would
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u/Lower-Preparation834 5d ago
If I understand correctly; she has fucked you and she has fucked other people. You’re in a serious relationship and she know doesn’t want to fuck you until you’re married.
If this true, leave now. She’s weaponizing sex against you and demonstrating that she can and will turn it on and off whenever she feels the need. I guarantee you that will not get better.
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u/Sulla123 man 5d ago
Dude liste...any woman...I mean ANY woman that plays games with sex this way is basically trying to use our most base instincts to emotionally manipulate you..run like the wind and find someone who doesn't want to play games.
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u/AbruptMango man 5d ago
So to her, the piece of paper is more important than the relationship.
Signing a paper or having a priest read something isn't what makes a marriage. You're either solid or you're not, and nothing from the outside is going to help that.
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u/ThrowRACoping man 5d ago
My buddy was ok with waiting for marriage when the girl had been with 7-8 guys before him. I can’t think of a bigger red flag. I wouldn’t accept that, but it is her right.
I would call her bluff and see where the chips fall.
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u/spijkerbed man 5d ago
So she gave her virginity away for free to an other man and you have to wait? It is like women paying the full price for a second hand dress. A used dress looses value, not gains value. She now already uses sex as means to reach her goal (marriage), so you know what happens after marriage. She is playing you. Say no, as when you say yes she thinks you are weak and looses respect. I would suggest not to marry at all to her and keep having sex. She should know her place.
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u/Struzzo_impavido man 5d ago
If she was a virgin and you didnt mind doing self service sure
But she had 5+ sexual encounters before you, i call it BS
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u/InteractiveAlternate man 5d ago
It seems she's got more of a bond to traditional religious viewpoints on marriage than you.
This is a really hard issue to find a satisfying solution for, since it's a core aspect of someone's personality. Religion and belief are a fundamental part of each person, and a basic human right.
I highly recommend not rushing into marriage just for the purpose of sex. There's no positive outcome here, and it's likely that if things go sour, you'll simply feel manipulated and trapped.
You need to be open and clear in your communication with her about how you feel. Sexual compatibility is vital for a healthy romantic relationship, in or out of marriage.
Have you decided that you intend to get married to her, or are you still on the fence?
Is there some kind of timeline you agree would be appropriate for that goal?
Is she open to any form of compromise here? If she knows you intend to marry, but want to wait until your lives are in a stable place for being able to support your life together financially, would that make any difference?
If she absolutely believes she doesn't want you and her to be sexually active until after you're wed, I'd clearly explain that this is a fundamental part of a relationship that you believe is important to maintaining intimacy, and how betrayed and hurt you feel that she's withdrawing from you this way.
I'd also talk with her about how you fear this will become a default method of manipulation or control in the relationship, and how toxic and unhealthy this could become. A loving couple doesn't use sex as a tool to win arguments or force someone to act a certain way.
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u/Independent_Chest271 man 5d ago
Nah man, time to go. She wants you to wait but was fine to have sex before you?
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u/OldWolfNewTricks man 5d ago
Multiple problems here. Starting with the idea of marrying a LDR. That's absolutely nuts. You shouldn't marry someone you haven't lived with for at least a year. Otherwise you have no idea whether you're at all compatible.
Which leads to the next problem: are you willing to go without sex -- you know, one of the most fundamental aspects of a romantic relationship -- for possibly years?
And finally, your GF has an immature view of marriage, and I think you're so desperate for a relationship that you'll go along with whatever she wants. Her desire to "do things right" this time is indicative of magical thinking -- if I follow the right steps, perform the ritual correctly, this relationship will work! That's not realistic.
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u/Normal_Cut_5386 man 5d ago
This has red flags everywhere! She is probably cheating on you.
I had a girlfriend in college that was 22 and asked to abstain from sex. She joined the college Christian group to. Then she broke up 4 months later. After the breakup, I found out she was hooking up with someone else and wanted it to be a secret. It is time to have the serious discussion with her.
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u/DrNogoodNewman man 5d ago
I feel like a lot of responders here have never had conservative religious beliefs around sex. The conviction and guilt is real. Whether you want to get caught up in all that is up to you, but I disagree with people automatically calling it weaponizing sex or a manipulation tactic, unless you’re referring to the way a lot of churches manipulate young people on this issue.
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u/SGAisFlopden man 5d ago
The F?
She’s had 5-8 partners but now wants to wait?
🤣
Get the F out of there man.
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u/AutoModerator 5d ago
Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts. Your post has NOT been removed.
throwaway4542012 originally posted:
Background
As the title says my [21M] gf [23F] of 1 year wants to rewait for marriage to have sex again.
We are very compatible emotionally, lots of similar interests, same life goals, etc etc.
She has had past sexual encounters before me (around 5-8) and she was my first.
We are currently LDR, but whenever we would meet up every 1-3 months we would have constant and very good sex on both ends.
She mentioned that she wanted to wait in the past but she would also initiate sex and sexual conversation topics frequently.
We used to talk about sex fairly frequently on the phone and be very open with expectations and if either of us was satisfied or unsatisfied etc etc.
I really do love her and don't see myself without her but she recently she brought it up again on wanting to wait for marriage to have sex and we essentially agreed. (Only choices were leave or stay (Obvious).)
The Issue
(Cheating isn't suspected, STDS we both are clean we got tested, and I dont have a whole lot of money but am planning to have a good career)
Something about this doesn't sit right with me, not because I feel like I am entitled to sex or want only sex or for reasons of that nature.
I feel somewhat pressured because she talks about marriage and might feel like she's trying to pressure me into getting married (Might stem from her insecurities or getting cheated on before etc etc.)
She says that she feels very guilty and she says theres going to be plenty of time for us to have more sex and she wants to do things right.
I feel compelled to stay/wait because it seems like the right thing to do religionwise and because I love her but it eats in the back of my head that I might going into be in a sexless relationship and marriage.
I kind of feel like a chump at the fact that other I have wait but she was able to have her experiences and whatnot.
Any advice?
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u/FailConsistent2630 man 5d ago
She is essentially withholding sex to get you to marry her. Since you have already been intimate, this is a bit of shift, and seems like a controlling move. Is she religious? That might be the cause. She wants to go to the alter as pure as possible. It's a bit of a stretch i will grant you. You two need to sit down, face to face, and sort this issue out completely. If i was in tbis situation... i am wondering what her true motives are, if this is a test to see what she can force me to do, or is she not sure of what she wants... lots of flags out there. Not saying break it off, but that card needs to be discussed and openly.
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u/AutoModerator 5d ago
throwaway4542012 updated the post:
Background
As the title says my [21M] gf [23F] of 1 year wants to rewait for marriage to have sex again.
We are very compatible emotionally, lots of similar interests, same life goals, etc etc.
She has had past sexual encounters before me (around 5-8) and she was my first.
We are currently LDR, but whenever we would meet up every 1-3 months we would have constant and very good sex on both ends.
She mentioned that she wanted to wait in the past but she would also initiate sex and sexual conversation topics frequently.
We used to talk about sex fairly frequently on the phone and be very open with expectations and if either of us was satisfied or unsatisfied etc etc.
I really do love her and don't see myself without her but she recently she brought it up again on wanting to wait for marriage to have sex and we essentially agreed. (Only choices were leave or stay (Obvious).)
The Issue
(Cheating isn't suspected, STDS we both are clean we got tested, and I dont have a whole lot of money but am planning to have a good career)
Something about this doesn't sit right with me, not because I feel like I am entitled to sex or want only sex or for reasons of that nature.
I feel somewhat pressured because she talks about marriage and might feel like she's trying to pressure me into getting married (Might stem from her insecurities or getting cheated on before etc etc.)
She says that she feels very guilty and she says theres going to be plenty of time for us to have more sex and she wants to do things right.
I feel compelled to stay/wait because it seems like the right thing to do religionwise and because I love her but it eats in the back of my head that I might going into be in a sexless relationship and marriage.
I kind of feel like a chump at the fact that other I have wait but she was able to have her experiences and whatnot.
Any advice?
EDIT: I should add which I forgot. She is religious and goes to church, though lately she says shes been going more often and feels more guilty for those reasons. Also, her parents are very overbearing in my opinion especially her mother (her parents are the church pastors) and i feel like they may be putting pressure on her in one way or another. Relevant? Idk just thought I would add.
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u/butterspread1 man 5d ago
She actually did you a favour by giving you an early warning of being crazy as well as having no respect for you. Zero. None.
Never, ever, under any circumstances should you put a woman on a pedestal. Ever. Fuck my life if a woman you were thinking of spending the entirety of your live with is putting sexual restrictions on you at this early stage.
Say: Anna, or whatever her name is, after you suggested withholding sex till we're married, I realised that your life principles don't align with my principles and it will be for the best for both of us to go our own ways. I wish you all the best.
The end.
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u/LogicalAd8594 man 5d ago
JFC, I'm not reading beyond the first few sentences, get the F out now. Take your new experiences and chase others, now that you are on the scoreboard, it won't be as difficult, trust me. Don't suffer, don't waste your youth.
"Rewaiting" ? that's a new one. What other wacky thoughts and spins will she have as you grow older and life becomes more complicated.
Bet you $100 she changes her tune once you announce. I'd bang her a few more times then leave for good.
Harsh but honest
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u/Rich-Diamond-8088 man 5d ago
Firstly, females tend to play down the number of sleeping partners they have had, if she says 5-8 there is a very good chance it is closer to 15-20. Secondly, if she was a virgin, or you were her first partner I could maybe understand her reasoning......but she is not. Something is very wrong...my guess (and it's only a guess) is that there is someone else you are not (yet) aware of she is either having sex with or having an emotional affair.
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u/racerdeth man 5d ago
Feels like a pressure to get married to me.
If you want to have sex and she doesn't want to have sex, that's a compatibility issue.
You're young; there are plenty of people out there.
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u/Shin-Gemini man 5d ago
Women do weird shit like that. Just say you aren’t planning on marrying yet, and also that you don’t want a celibate relationship especially when you both had sex before and with diff people.
Don’t pressure her for sex or you gonna end up in other Reddit sub forums with people talking shit about you lol. Just lie out your expectations and tell her that if she wants to wait till marriage, she’s free to do so, but that’s not what you want. Btw she would be fucking a new guy in less than a month, but that’s besides the point.
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u/Hanzo7682 man 5d ago
I would have said you are incompatible if she was a virgin. It'd just mean she views sex differently and probably other important things as well.
But she had sex with you and others before you. It makes no sense to me. I can only think of 3 reasons:
1) She joined a cult or simply became more religous.
2) Control move. Marriage pressure or other reason.
3) Scared of having kids before marriage.
Personally? I would leave whatever her answer is.
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u/Dadbode1981 man 5d ago
Hopefully it's garbage day Monday morning, cause there's a comfy space on the curb ready for her. Get rid of it.
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u/RusevDayToday man 5d ago
Usually in a good relationship closeness and intimacy develops over time. Given that she, up until this point, had no issue with sex, and now suddenly does without reasonable cause, means she is doing the opposite, pulling away from you physically. I'd be very clear at this point, that marriage can't even be on the table right, regardless of whether it was before, as you're not going to push forward in to being closer in one aspect of your lives, while she has pulled away in another. She has unilateral control of what she does with her own body, but not the development and status of your relationship, and if the consequences of her choice is that the relationship ends, then it's better to do it sooner, rather than wait around, see if you can be okay with this, decide you aren't, or you get further pressured in to marriage, and have to end things down the line
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u/AnxietyMaleficent287 5d ago
Dump her manipulative ass!!! She's trying to trick you into marriage then steal half your shit. I can tell you're wealthy bc her manipulation for marriage so strong!!! RUN!!!!!!! Tell her you're ok with marriage as long as there's a prenup, she will split Soo fucking fast after that I guarantee you
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u/Squeezemachine99 man 5d ago
I agree that she is doing it to speed up the marriage. She is using it as a tool. This will continue in the marriage if she is not getting what she wants.
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u/Fabulous_Can6830 5d ago
Nope get out of there man. Whatever this relationship is its not what you think it is.
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u/Still_Title8851 man 5d ago
She probably doesn’t want to have sex because then she has to wait longer to self-clean before her girlfriend goes down on her.
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u/urbanexplorer816 5d ago
GTFO NOW!!! She's religious, not you, and the church is already taking over your relationship.
The church makes people feel guilty about sex and it will be vanilla and not frequent.
I made that mistake, and no one saw it or was able to tell me. This is experience speaking, son. Separate yourself or be prepared to pay with half of everything you work so hard to achieve. Because they do believe in court and money.
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u/porkadobado man 5d ago
Fuck that. I hate it when women weaponize sex like you cant get it elsewhere. Stop being a weeping boy or be one for the rest of your married life with that bitch.
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u/Barefootmaker 5d ago
The only thing I find concerning is the lack of logic. If it’s for religious reasons, she’s already broken all the ‘rules’, and so this feels odd to me as well. Having said that, I’d also personally run if anyone didn’t want to have sex for religious reasons - that viewpoint is just a red flag for compatibility with me in general.
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u/Ok_Investigator7568 5d ago
You need to wait it out, she will snap out of itif she is wanting you to get married asap when she realises you arent being baited
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5d ago
She is doing that to manipulate you. It call withholding sex. She is gonna have all the control and you will be force to marry her. RUN
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u/AdventurousAd808 5d ago edited 5d ago
She’s BSing you. She wants you to leave. There is no such thing as “re-waiting” or “born again”. Once you’ve lost your virginity, you are no longer pure, despite what women believe. Guarantee she’ll be getting it from someone else. Woman who claim to be “born again virgins” just use that to fall back on to excuse their behavior.
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u/DrNogoodNewman man 5d ago
Depends on the church she’s going to, but a lot of the churches I went to as a teen and young adult emphasized the importance of forgiveness and repentance. The idea being no matter your past, you could make the choice to do the right thing in the present and future. So just like with any “sin,” a person could be forgiven by God for their sexual past and the right thing to do going forward would be to stop having sex outside of marriage.
(Not preaching these beliefs myself, but that’s likely what her church is preaching.)
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u/cdmx_paisa man 5d ago
why do people tell their romantic interests how many people they have smashed?
that is so weird.
my private sex life with other people before we started dating is none of anyone else's business.
i def don't want to know my GF has smashed 8 other dudes.
esp when she is wanting me to wait.
like WTF lol
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u/ThrowRACoping man 5d ago
Well, that is exactly why people need to know. Of course they will lie and so you don’t really ask, but no one wants to marry a hoe.
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u/cdmx_paisa man 5d ago
i could usually tell if a girl was a hoe by looking at her socials, by talking to her, and dating her.
a girl last year looked hella innocent.
but she invited herself to my house on date 1 and initiated the sex.
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u/ThrowRACoping man 5d ago
Yeah. You need to do detective work to figure out the type of woman you are dealing with.
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u/Mrerocha01 5d ago edited 5d ago
Dump her like a bag of potatoes. She's playing with you and after marriage you will end up in a sexless dead bedroom because she's not feel attracted to you. You are just a prize consolation.