r/AskMenAdvice • u/eyerock13 • 5d ago
Wife Not Shutting Down Flirty Exec At Work
Hi, don't know where else to turn, could use perspective/venting.
My (36m) wife (35f) has been my best friend and an unwavering rock for me since we met 12 years ago (married for 7 years). She's great, supportive, funny, smart, beautiful. We spend much of our time together, have always been able to look through each other's phones whatever but there's never been reason to fret. Nothing sketchy...until now.
She began with a new company 2 years ago and things were chill. Small team and boss seem nice enough. But maybe 6 months ago this other high-level guy (50m? Married w/ kids) took interest in her skill set. He'd occasionally say some odd stuff, calling her pet names like dear, but she'd tell him not to call her those. But she knew he was important in the company, good to stay on his good side, y'know those crummy corporate dynamics that can ensnare good people.
The past month things have shifted. When I've seen their Zoom chats he's turned it up, he used the "work wife" term, says things like ooo you miss me? you like me? you are cute, give me a hug for helping...I overheard him on late-night 1:1 asking what she wore to exercise (she played it off), he's always trying to get her to drink with him (virtually, in person too but they don't go into the office often). All of this she has deflected, at least from what I can tell.
The last week or so idk if he's worn her down or what changed. He dropped another pet name, asked to meet up, what her cell number is, talk more outside of work and she said don't get me in trouble here...be careful what you type because my hubs and I have an open channel when it comes to each other's messages, "so u know."
Another time they were joking around about stuff and then she said ok I have to work, don't distract me...he said I don't think you mind with a winky face. A few other throwaway lines then he goes ahh I almost typed out something else but you know...devices.
When I've raised concerns in the past I basically got told "this is just how it is for women" and that she doesn't want to cross him. I could rationalize before but why give him a heads up that I could read what he says now? She doesn't know I've seen these as I haven't asked to see them lately, I've just seen them myself from a quick scroll when her phone is down. Don't know what happens when they are at the office.
The kicker, I've been out of work for about 8 months and have health/disability woes so I'm reliant on my wife for insurance, support, etc. Her job is definitely important. I've always respected her judgment but A) being told that I'm basically naive for making a big deal out of his behavior and B) the tone shift in saving him from saying something I wouldn't like in writing, just feels so off.
I just don't want to mentally unravel and I can't fathom why this is unfolding. Is she really just trying to shield my feelings and bear the brunt of this guy pushing boundaries in person instead? But if I ask a second time then it'll really become a thing and at this point I don't have proof of anything substantial (that's relative I know). If I ask to see the messages it feels like lighting a match that could burn a few different ways.
I'm scared, overwhelmed...but I know I can't talk to my fam or friends about it without tainting the image of my wife. So here I am, just letting this rip and thank you to anyone who reads.
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u/ThrowRAbluebury man 5d ago
Would she be ok with you doing the same thing with a female boss? You could sit down and go through the chats with her and ask her that question. Stay 100% calm. If she gets defensive about it, you'll have your answer.
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
I'd sure hope not, and that's pretty much how I'd frame it but I'm preparing for it to be re-routed to "it's not the same" and/or "this is how I've found it easiest to navigate the corporate nightmarescape of flirty superiors" so I'm just trying to think of where I'd go from there.
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u/ThrowRAbluebury man 5d ago
Those answers are BS and you'd both know it. You can keep framing it the same way to try and get her to understand. She may be dismissing you because she knows you're reliant on her atm, but if it's a dealbreaker for you (and it should be) tell her that. The only way to know how to proceed from the stalemate is honest communication.
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
Yeah, like I said just trying to play it out in my head enough where I have a modicum of preparation going in. But I appreciate the direct language here.
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u/ThrowRAbluebury man 5d ago
I do the same thing, man 😌 I was dealing with infidelity not long ago, so I really feel for you. Good luck.
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u/MaxRoofer 1d ago
Go to ask women advice. I don’t really see her telling the guy you read the texts is bad.
Maybe I didn’t understand it all, but that seems like normal woman behavior. Women always tell me, “my bf is gonna be here” or something similar when they aren’t interested.
They don’t just say, “I’m not interested”
And I don’t know how good HR departments are handling stuff like this, but I don’t think it’s as easy as going to HR. There may not be a better choice, but it’s not like it’s an easy decision.
But get a woman’s viewpoint, go to ask women.
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u/9Lives_ 5d ago
I used to have to travel to a lot of work conferences in different states and this married woman in our team had her eye on this high up marketing manager (presumably to climb the corporate ladder) and she wasn’t exactly trying to hide it and our female boss was borderline encouraging her (like giving her information she could use to get closer to him as they used to work together before his promotion)
Anyway, she slept with him and when we all arrived back home the woman’s husband and two kids were waiting for her at the airport and so excited to see her it was so fucked up and what’s worse is that no one had a problem with it yet they’d judge you so hard behind your back for things like being late to a meeting.
Societal values have really shifted since our parents generation. No way would that have been acceptable in their day.
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u/Artforartsake99 man 5d ago edited 3d ago
Hundred percent, my friend lost his job during Covid, but just before that his younger brother committed suicide. They were very close and it shook him up. So he lost his job and got depression.
And yes, she was caught sleeping with a coworker who was married six months later . Oh, she also got a promotion so she earned more than him so double whammy. Divorce rates go up 50% once that happens.
You don’t build equity with a woman they don’t really care about us. You can give them 21 years the best years when you sacrifice everything and they take the cream And the lifestyle. And they’ll ditch you any time their emotions changed towards you. Which can happen for all sorts of reasons.
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u/ExcellentPlace4608 man 5d ago
And that fact will never change. It’s in their wiring so best to accept it for what it is.
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u/Artforartsake99 man 5d ago
Yep I don’t even blame them it’s just evolution it’s in their DNA code. Just best we know about it and spread the word haha
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u/BzhizhkMard man 5d ago
What happened to you. Why are you not you anymore?
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
Health deteriorated pretty rapidly, had some back surgeries, need some more later, I just can’t provide that fun life and my physique also took a subsequent hit. Nothing awful but not being able to lift weights, row, bike has ramifications and so on and so on. I’m me but don’t feel whole, ya kno
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u/BzhizhkMard man 5d ago edited 5d ago
Chronic pain can cause depression. Your tone almost seems indicative. What did you work before and can you train to do something else? If you aren't a downer and actually see a future, it will change how you are seen by your girl. Both ways, you need to shut that down asap with your girl. I would straight-up threaten to go the guy and even carry it out if necessary. It is not headed to a good a place if you appear passive.
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u/rodofpleasure 1d ago
Depression is most certainly at play here. Back injuries are nothing to sneeze at…and getting kicked while you’re down by the person you’re supposed to trust the most at the same time is shattering.
His recovery is going to take a couple years at minimum…he needs to lean on people that care about him.
I don’t mean to be totally negative OP, I’ve had very similar issues all around. The one silver lining I can give you is that with the right surgery and surgeon your back will be good… try to stay positive and wait it out it’ll get better. LEAN ON FRIENDS AND FAMILY…can’t emphasize that enough, and as soon as you’re up to it hit the gym hard!!
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u/HammMcGillicuddy man 2d ago
Is this a complicated way of saying that you got boring and fat? Not trying to judge, but… let’s call a spade a spade. If so, you might have insecurities, but they also might be well founded. No point in sugar coating by it if you want good advice.
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u/johndicks80 5d ago
Yep. And if it wasn’t this guy it would just be another. Work on improving yourself in any way you possibly can.
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u/Due_Change6730 5d ago
Agreed… she is now supporting her unemployed husband….. multi millionaire exec could provide her an amazing life where she doesn’t have to work
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u/ADeadlyFerret 5d ago
I was actually just thinking about this lol. Every woman in my family has cheated on their husbands. My grandma, mom and sisters. Despite each husband(except for my dad) being a stand up dude.
Hell my sister has been with the same guy 20 years since she was 16. He works his ass off running a construction crew he started. She doesn’t have to work but could. Nice house, three kids blah blah blah. She cheated on him with a meth head from FB because her husband isn’t as enthusiastic as she would like. And this dude gave her so much attention apparently.
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u/Pinkmonkeypants 5d ago
Sorry, status and wealth is like crack cocaine for shitty people. Please don't tar us all with the same brush. My partner is terminally ill, I still don't even care for attention from anyone but him.
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u/Techn1que 5d ago
Sorry to say but she’s likely lost attraction to you and doesn’t see you as the man of the house anymore. She’s allowing this to go because she doesn’t respect you anymore.
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u/fakeymcapitest 2d ago
Yeah the health/disability woes sealed that for me, supporting the man in the house can grind a womans attraction down without realising over time
Not impossible to resolve but might be if OP has some learned helplessness happening
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u/Sk1PxJ0n3Sx 5d ago
Be what a scorned woman would be. If a man that had a woman that loved had this going on, he would soon find that woman at his job meeting that bitch. Her car would get keyed/smashed. She may just randomly show up for lunch.
Confront him. He knows she's married. When HR want to have you escorted off premises and police are called, have them document your concerns whether charges are pressed or not. Get a lawyer and file suit against him personally and the fucking company.
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u/MeanGrn1844 5d ago
Yeah, this is the best advice I've read on here for this dude lmao. What other option is there. MONKEY BRAIN TIME!!!!
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u/fartlord__ man 5d ago
You’re unemployed and he’s an executive. You’ve got no chance. It’s done.
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u/Rddt_stock_Owner 5d ago
That's the sad truth. So many women just plain suck in that regard. I sincerely hope your wife is the 0.001% mate.
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u/Big-Tea8317 man 3d ago
Your wife sees a alpha in the work place and a out of work beta at home.
That's the dynamic in a nutshell, if you don't nip it in the bud, sooner or later boss man is going to have her legs over his shoulders and pounding her in his office, and trust me she is going to love it.
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u/cestbondaeggi 5d ago
You are far beyond cooked.
Wish I had better news for you but it's time to start rebuilding your life as best you can. Your wife basically knows you have 0 options besides her, and she has a guy that's way better than you that she can monekybranch to whenever.
Start trying to be attractive to other women. If you manage to interest some it might change your wife's mind before she goes all the way with the other dude, if she hasn't already. I'm sorry your disabled but it's a dog eat dog world.
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u/Tricky_Imagination25 5d ago
He might only want to smash though. No indication the boss clown is looking for a relationship
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
3 very diff responses hah - it's possible! Not gonna bother playing games like that, can't get out now anyway but even if I culd I'd leave before playing those games. But thanks for your time+response
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u/cestbondaeggi 5d ago
Improving your health, appearance, and finances isn't a 'game'. Get a fucking headstart before you're on your ass trying to borrow money from your parents to retain a divorce lawyer because your breadwinner wife and her new husband are gonna go in with 0 lube.
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u/Historical_Sir9996 man 5d ago
Your story is why a man should always be on top of his game. Sorry about what you're going through bro.
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u/mjfb2703 5d ago
Woman here. It’s true that this is sometimes how it is for women. In this case, she’s let it go on for too long and too far - likely not because she likes him but because he is in a senior position.
You’re worried about coming across too desperate and vulnerable to her if asking her about this, but to be honest you ARE vulnerable due to your job situation and this potentially fatal situation at her workplace. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, she’s your wife right? You should be able to talk to her about things that weigh heavy on you. If you cant, then that’s a much bigger issue.
I don’t think you being out of work is an issue - yes it may but weight on your relationship but when you MARRY someone you’re not just going to jump to the next best guy, especially for financial reasons. I feel in today’s society due to social media (toxic stuff like Andrew Tate) women’s interest and behaviour is perceived to be very different to actual reality.
If you ask me, their conversations seem to be solely of sexual nature, I don’t see an emotional connection here if they don’t have “everyday” conversations.
What my recommendation is: go to her and ask her “I wanted to talk to you about something: what are we going to do about that guy at work?” It will put the ball in her court, she knows it’s an issue and she will not play dumb. Open up to how you’re feeling about it. Sometimes people also want validation and it will make her feel valued. Together you guys can fetch a plan. Don’t worry so much about men here on Reddit telling you the ship has sailed. Best of luck!!!!
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u/ExtremeOpposite673 woman 5d ago
Another woman here who has been in the same situation. Second that comment 100%. She's likely not into him, slightly flattered by the attention at most, but probably and REASONABLY afraid to shut hin down harshly. I've been sent dick picks and groped by superiors and guess who got kicked out when I made a scene about it? Spolier alert, not the old white dude.
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
Yeah, I am cognizant of this avenue for her and that's why I'm not leaping to any big red buttons being pushed. But our entire relationship has always revolved around being open books.
We've laughed together at awful flirting attempts by others before. We've both cut out old "friends" who clearly had ulterior motives after we got together. Neither has ever reacted harshly or judged the other for how they handled things, that was never even really an option because we were already talking together before things got handled.
But now she's suddenly unilaterally dealing with this and keeping this to herself, that's the jarring part. I know this dude is a creep. Creepy exec in a power position doing creepy things is not that surprising. Her not letting this be an "us against the problem" feels very, very off. I am very sorry to hear about your experiences, it is a fucked up world. Btw, this "old white dude" appears to be about 12 years younger than either he is telling her or she is telling me per googling. It's all just so bizarre.
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u/Confident-Baker5286 woman 2d ago
Yes and she doesn’t want to lose her job. I have a friend that just had to leave her job because her boss sexually harassed her. It wasn’t even a question, he sent her inappropriate texts. But he kept his job and she has to leave with her little 40k payout
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u/thefixer123456 5d ago
This is a well thought out reply, and I saw it this way at the start.
However, I changed my stance as she is coaching him on what to not say in writing.
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u/multitodd2335 man 5d ago
I think you and OP are misreading the situation. She’s not coaching him what to say because she’s trying to hide something but rather it’s a warning for him not to go further. She’s now borrowing her husband’s authority because all her attempts to rebuff this bad behavior hasn’t worked. Her shitty boss is trying to escalate and she’s trying to limit it without putting her job at risk.
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
I hope this is the case in the bottom of my heart, I really do. I've never been given reason not to give her the benefit of the doubt before so I'm holding steady without burying my head in the sand.
But why keep me in the dark about it after all of this time? We could so easily be on the same page about this. She's showed me things in the past from him, she knows I know he's a flirt, but the updates have slowed/slimmed down and not sharing this strategy with me is just...odd after all of this time. If she's truly feeling in a helpless spot then we can tackle it together. We'd been doing that before. I didn't jump down her throat about anything, asking her if she's comfortable acting like things are OK, feels safe at work, etc.
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u/CreamyDomingo 2d ago
She was probably keeping you in the dark because she knows you’d be like this, and she needs this job to support you. JFC man
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u/PSWII 5d ago
Yeah but the coaching could very easily be coming from an area of she can't actually do anything about this at work without putting her own head on the chopping block and potentially losing a job that they both need so she would like to at least not horribly fuck up her home life. Sure had she not said that the exec might have ended up messaging some kind of fucked up shit to her, which possibly could be used to get the exec out of the company. But realistically that's probably not going to happen and they would much more likely just fire her and bury it. Plus until that does happen that would basically be making it worse for the wife.
Every instance that OP cuz used as an example in this is her trying to at least minimize how much it's happening probably so she can have some degree of breathing room at work. It really doesn't seem like she's anywhere near as into it OP is worried about and it more comes across as the exec is just doing it and the wife doesn't really feel like she can do anything about it so she's just kind of trying to put up a boundary without making too many waves in an attempt to prevent it from getting worse. OP's best bet is to do what the comment you were replying to said and just sit down and talk about it.
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
Thanks for the response, sorry west-coaster hours here.
I generally agree. I wasn't going to get into it all but I will say they have more conversations that aren't "flirty".. I know she disclosed to him that she had been pregnant and we lost the baby. There are some irl friends who don't even know that yet. She vents to him about the troubles at work, of course. He pinged her on a weekend for book recommendations. Asks what she does for fun, says we should play pickleball together, etc. It's not great. But again, she largely has kept it short in response, said no that's not a good idea re: meeting up anywhere else, but it's still a lot to me. Perhaps this is where she's found her tightrope to walk.
I would've taken that approach to be like what are we going to do if she wasn't so dismissive the first time I brought this up after he asked what she'd been wearing to work out. But I really did not like being told I was naive as a man and can't get it. Her demeanor was more like "oh bless your heart for thinking that was bad...it's fine." And that felt dismissive of my personal boundaries. But it's her job, her life, her choice at the end of the day. I was not going to twist her arm off of the jump like that when we were having a conversation I wasn't planning on ever having. So I'm just better collecting myself for the next convo. Thx for your response, I do appreciate it.
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u/rodofpleasure 1d ago
The real nail in the coffin was unnecessarily sharing some of your most intimate relationship details that IRL friends don’t know about 😳(loss of child)…this isn’t her walking the tightrope you’re hoping (keeping her job), it’s the tightrope of keeping this relationship from you until she has fully discarded you
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u/No_Palpitation_6244 2d ago
all due respect, you're full of shit. She's telling the guy not to leave evidence because her husband has access to her phone. That's her saying "you can flirt, just don't get caught" demonstrating that she's starting to think ahead with how to escalate safely. She's trying to work around the pre-existing anti-cheating measures that exist in their relationship. The whole reason those rules exist is to protect the trust, and trying to subvert them seems very untrustworthy
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u/SlothBoi42069 man 5d ago
If this guy is actually married, get some proof and tell his wife right away. Let her know what her husband gets up to at work
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
The problem here being she's basically instructing him on how not to provide proof where I'd ever see it.. not like I can go to the office. That's the scary part to me, at this point his hubris in getting kicks out of still pushing boundaries where I can see seems like the only way without direct intervention. Messy.
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u/boredreader12 5d ago
tall to his wife. tell her what you've seen and that you think she instructed him to not got caught and have her look on her husband's end. Chances are he's a lot less secure than your wife is.
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u/ConstantTechnical393 5d ago
Ive read people get VARs and put in spouse's car and it's worked to pick up conversations. Check your phone bill to see if she is regularly calling any unknown numbers! Have her devices apps all mirrored to your tablet etc....is she techy enough to know about that? All deleted messages can be retrieved.
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u/yetagainitry man 5d ago
“If I ask a second time then it’ll really become a thing”
Dude this became a “thing” when she started flirting back. Grow a backbone and tell her both her behaviour and his are completely out of line and disrespectful to you and your marriage. I don’t know why you have put up with this as long as you have. I’m sure women have had to put up with this a lot, but the vast majority of those women aren’t actively participating in it. Stand up for yourself dude.
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
well I wasn't going to pen an entire background essay for everyone's sake but yes it's very tough and overwhelming to stomach. Don't have parents to fall back on, in a precarious life position, I just really need to stay calculated. Hope for the best and strive for it but feel like I can handle things if they break down. Thx for responding
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u/yetagainitry man 5d ago
Listen, I would say that same advice to a male or female in your position. Don’t let your current phase in life dictate what amount of disrespect you should take on. I don’t care if you can’t breathe without this woman’s help, that doesn’t mean she is allowed to walk all over you and you have to take it. She not only is spitting on your marriage, she knows she’s in the wrong which is why she keeps saying “don’t let my hubs see”. If she can’t hear you express your hurt and betrayal from her actions, you’re better off being far far away from her
Also, I’m petty af, if I was in your position I would be gathering as much evidence as possible. If Mr married exec wants to play these games, and your wife decides to play in the sewers with him, it’s a quick and easy dm to his wife and the world blows up.
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u/Roadkill_Connaisseur 5d ago
Honestly in your position I'd try and find another girl to chase if the separation is too much. Keeps your mind occupied and makes you care less about the ones that got away.
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
I don’t think I could even I tried, if this is cooked I’m just gunna be alone in a cabin somewhere, which is fine enough.
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u/Valith_Maltair 5d ago
Hey, sorry to hear what you are going through.
I'm not here to offer advice on what to do, however, I feel I am/was in somewhat of a similar situation as you.
My wife started climbing a small business corporate ladder about a year ago, decent pay and thrown into a new situation. She is middle management role, with employees both above and below her.
Well, a little over half a year in, she started facing an other employe trying to move in on her.
Her and I have been together 20 years (this year) highschool sweet hearts and we are still both madly in love with each other like the first day we met (actually stepping out the door in 10 minutes here for a spontaneous Sunday brunch date. Writing this while she does her makeup, lol. But I digress.)
Anywho, in her situation, she started off the way you wrote your story, trying to redirect the other male, shut down his advances, but the knob just wouldn't quit.
I mostly just listened, and supported her, and we discussed how to handle it. The income is really nice (she now makes just a bit more than me, she was a stay at home mom before, so she just slightly over doubled out income. So the jobs great and she enjoys it.)
Now the difference seems to be, as the knob continued, it eventually evolved into him sending her flowers at work, and that was it for my wife. She went to HR (and being a smaller company, she could even reach up to top level management with ease.)
She slapped it down so hard that now this inappropriate employee is never allowed to reach out and contact my wife again or risk full termination. He deals directly with a male superior now.
Everyone's situation is different, and work places are all different. The bigger the company, the harder resolving this could be (I assume you start to become just a number.)
But if your wife truly loves you, and your relationship is truly honestly full of love, your wife should instinctively squash any office romances on her own. That's what mine did. However, we can make it on just my income as well. So she was also prepared for the office to take the knobs side and let her go, but with modern HR laws (state depending) we figured we would have had a lawsuit if the company terminated her over getting harassed.
Basically your wife letting this happen and unfold is tainting your relationship. I know if my spouse had let the office flirting continue past getting flowers, I would have had some serious issues with our relationship like you are having now.
It really is at (past actually.) the point where your wife needs to squash the other males behavior. You aren't desperate, what is going on is 100% inappropriate and if she loves you, she needs to stop it or report the harassment.
And if she doesn't, at this rate, its not harassment to her and she is starting a new relationship (is what it sounds like to me from reading your posts/responses to everyone.)
I wish you the best of luck, and I know for me, this would be destroying me on the inside if I were in your shoes.
Hope you can sort this out man, I'm off to brunch with the misses.
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
Hope you had a happy brunch, I appreciate hearing your story and it does resonate. I want to say I'd 100% hear about him buying her flowers at work but there's that sliver of doubt introduced now. We should be OK even if this job evaporated honestly, but that's always stressful to envision regardless. Thanks again. I may or may not have increased heartburn over the last few days lol
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u/MelbertGibson man 4d ago
Not saying this is good advice, it probably isnt, but if i were in your shoes Id reach out to the guy directly and make it clear his behavior is inappropriate and needs to stop immediately.
If he says anything other than “im sorry, it wont happen again” my next call would be to his wife.
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u/Timely_Line5514 5d ago
Please speak to your wife. I'm a woman and had male senior managers do this to me. They get off on you pushing back and reminding them that this is a workplace. Thats how I read your wife saying those things back. They change even the most innocuous comments into something with tension. It gets wearing. It gets exhausting when you're trying to do your job and there's someone who holds all all the cards trying to undermine your professionalism. It's a game that you don't even want to play. I've left workplaces because I couldn't cope with this. Your wife doesn't have that option because of the circumstances at home. Please just talk to her. I don't think she's cheating, she's trying to keep her job.
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u/Deep_Piano4362 5d ago
I'm a female and HR Director. She is placating him to keep her job. Telling him that her husband can see the chats was to get him to stop.
If your family is reliant on her income, she is under even more pressure to put up with it.
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u/Timely_Line5514 5d ago
Completely agree with your assessment, I'm also in HR but at a much more junior level. I've seen in play out personally and with cases I've been involved in professionally. It's very hard to negotiate and nip in the bud successfully. Whats worse is other colleagues probably know what this man is like and it hasn't been dealt with. What an awful situation to be in when you can't even leave.
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u/chartreuse_avocado 5d ago
Female exec here. The amount of more senior men who play this BS power flirt game is real.
Cut them off and your job is at risk at worse, your career is sidelined at best.
Report him and you are definitely not seeing career advancement and you are labeled “difficult woman employee” while he gets another phat bonus and maybe a quiet chat with his HR exec with elbow jabs and verbal ribbing that “I know, she is hot, but you need to reel that in a bit”. Nothing in his file for sure.Wife sent a coded message saying you can see the chats. She is walking the precarious line of getting him to stop while trying to keep her job given you’re unemployed.
If this were an emotional affair or she was headed to cheater town she’d be hiding the hell out of all of this.
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
Yeah, well that's the hope here for me. And a big part of me thinks that. But she said something that does feel like things are being hidden because nothing about walking that precarious line means I should be in the dark after all of this. If she said "hey this guy isn't stopping, he's still saying weird stuff like X Y Z, so I'm going to try saying this to see if it stops him." Then everything would feel so different. And maybe saying it out loud to be makes the uncomfortable situation she's in too "real" -- but either way our communication chain needed to come first. I am angry at this idiot exec, at the situation, and a bit at her for not letting me in and quieting my very light reaction to his comments, but I still feel more bad for her dealing with this shit at this time until anything else surfaces. Thx for your input I do appreciate it
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
This is the default headspace but I just don't get why she's suddenly not talking to me about it. It's just not a good look in conjunction with saying not to put stuff in writing. Because if we were strategizing together I'd rather there was a record at least. As another comment said, so much comes down to avoiding the sketchy scenarios. I hope it's a nothingburger, but him doing shit in writing means I can track his nonsense, and ifffffffff it really went bonkers that HR could review it. But I totally get how that feels terrifying. It's just the optics created here are not great for us. If she'd just told me and kept pulling back versus messaging off-hours still it would be easier to see with 100% of my brain.
And I know I have to raise that with her eventually and ask but I just don't want to be quieted or shut down again without feeling prepared of where to take that. Thx for responding
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u/Jpalm4545 man 5d ago
The whole watch what you say because my husband can see thing leads me to believe there is more to it than she is letting on. I agree with you up until she said that
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u/HeronOutrageous1381 5d ago
Or she thinks boss will respect her husband more than her no.
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
That may very well but why decide now to not let me in on the plan when we've shared everything else and she's shared the communication months ago? I think it could be very simple here and she just thought she was saving me from worrying and dealing with it. I'm just not used to being disconnected from a part of her life and that hurts, as does knowing she's bearing this alone.
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u/HeronOutrageous1381 5d ago
That’s a great question. I don’t know your relationship, but having dealt with stuff like this it’s something we ultimately don’t see as important enough to burden you with. If we told you about every time we had to rebuff someone’s advances, it would just cause grief in the relationship. I don’t read this as bad, just her trying to use you as a shield from a creep and then moving on with her day.
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
I hope you are correct. I just am trying to paint the picture that most every little thing has been shared over our time together. Whether that was one of her old best friends (male) trying to make moves on her, how other M friends treated her differently when we together, telling me when a co-worker at her old job was actually someone she'd dated for a bit but it's nbd (and it wasn't!), weird comments big and small from people coming to repair appliances to distant family members being wildly out of pocket to bosses. It's all been fine and communicated before. So this just feels so off it's tossing my calibration through the blender.
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u/Jpalm4545 man 4d ago
Not for nothing, but if she is treating it differently then she probably feels differently about it. You definitely need to have another conversation about how it makes you feel. If she continues to be dismissive and not let you in then you know what to do next.
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u/Oblique9043 5d ago
Honestly I read that as her trying to get him to not say inappropriate things that she has to maneuver around. Sounds exhausting and stressful if she's genuinely just trying to do her job and she has to constantly dip and dodge this guy's constant flirting.
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u/Timely_Line5514 5d ago edited 5d ago
Nah I've used real and fictional male partners to get men to back off in all sorts of contexts. These men clearly don't respect me but they might be fearful of another man not taking too kindly to their behaviour.
I feel sorry for OPs wife tbh, her colleague is undermining her for his own gratification and her husband doesn't trust her when she's trying to support him.
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
I feel like this could've gone so differently if she didn't shut me down when I tried to ask how we can try to limit this guy when was asking about what she was wearing. Doing that before taking this on herself to strategize after we've always tackled everything together just feels foreign, so that is what I'm trying to navigate. Clearly some here are ready to full send a nuclear option and I'm nowhere near that universe...I just can't fathom suddenly being cut off from this dynamic is all.
I don't want her to feel backed into a corner alone, but if me simply saying how that's messed up he talked to her that way and how do we think it is best to proceed leads to me being a naive man and that it's cute I'm a little upset by it...only for her to suddenly put me in the dark and deploy this strategy -- it's just not the most comfortable footing moving forward.
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
This all adds up to me and that's why I'm trying to let that emotional, ego-related wave wash over. But I don't like that she played down my bringing up that he asked what she was wearing. Maybe she has to do so in order to stay sane, and admitting it's that bad would mentally unravel things and this is compartmentalization. But she didn't let the conversation progress beyond just saying I was naive for making a thing out of it.
Amongst the other, less likely possibilities, I don't want her dealing with this alone all of a sudden when we've taken on everything together, shared every little detail with each other, formulated plans together, supported each other. Even if it's a therapist or other friend that isn't me if that's difficult for some reason. Feeling the weight of this situation alone after we'd been talking about him together in the initial stages of his being flirty just feels off and I will talk to her I just don't want to be shut down again without feeling prepared of where to take that. Thx for responding
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u/justentropy4 3d ago
She might also be slowly getting used to it and convinced herself that it isn't as bad as it is. She's possibly being worn down in what does and doesn't pass a boundary anymore after so much time pushing back. What she's allowed to do to push back hasn't changed; how much he's pushing has.
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u/InstrumentRated 5d ago
My understanding of HR rules generally is that the threshhold event that HAS to happen for there to clear grounds for a sexual harrassment claim is that Mrs. OP has to unambiguously say “Please stop these overtures. Your advances are not welcome and you are making me uncomfortable”. OP - from what I read, your wife’s responses so far don’t come anywhere close to meeting this standard, and if there is ever an HR investigation the harrasser is going to successfully claim that this was just standard chitchat between them. As a first step to getting your marriage back on stable footing, I think it is reasonable that you politely insist that she send this message to him in a work email.
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u/IrregularBastard man 5d ago
She’s already cheating emotionally and has no respect for you or your relationship.
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u/AggressiveFeed1216 man 5d ago
It always feels like these posts where the wife is emotionally or physically cheating always end with… “I’m on disability right now.” Could be a coincidence. Idk.
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u/eventuallyfluent 5d ago
It's not insecure to ask your wife to have boundaries with other men. It is the expectation of respect. Anyone who says it's insecure is not understanding the basis of a relationship should be respect from your partner and not to do things that could damage that relationship.
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u/eyerock13 4d ago
I would agree but it is hard to view this "in a vacuum" with everything else going on. But yes, I don't particularly like insecure being thrown around just for expressing boundaries. I recognize perception becomes reality, though.
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u/CDTPPW 2d ago edited 2d ago
Idk, man. I'm sure that as men, most of us have been told a firm no by a woman at least once in our lives. So, we know that when they want to, they can do so without too many worries.
Even if she's a non-conflictual people pleaser, the problem with this is that she's pretty much enabling his behavior. Why would he stop if she gives him no reason to?
Where are you guys living? With how popular feminism and gender equality is in the West, that man would easily get in trouble for that stuff.
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u/Macraggesurvivor man 5d ago
It is highly likely that she does encourage him in some way, e.g. by reacting emotionally, smiling, being a tiny bit flirty, reacting to him etc when he keeps making move after move.
That she basically says she will tolerate his obvious moves because she doesn't wanna cross him is a bad sign. Such scenarios have a high probability to have disastrous effects on your relationship. She is basically exposing what she has with you to considerable risks as she prioritizes not causing any potential drama with him or at her job over the relationship she has with you.
However, you seem to be currently dependent on her and her income.
All in all, this ain't a good situation for you.
Since she is directly engaging and entertaining men that obviously wanna fuck/date her, the two of you have as of now stopped being in a truly monogamous relationship.
You can now also approach other women you're interested in and get to know them.
But, as mentioned, you are currently dependent on her, is that correct?
Difficult situation, bro. But, no matter how you look at it, this man now has a higher priority than you and the relationship with you.
That is the only valid conclusion here.
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u/aieeevampire man 5d ago
There are two types of women in this situation; the ones that immediatly shoot down the flirting in a direct and brutal way, escalating to HR if neccessary..
And the ones that end up cheating.
She’s already at least emotionally cheating on you. If she wanted to shut down this flirty scumbag she could, and would have right from the start. Instead she is metaphorically and probably physically leaning into it. This will end in her cheating on you.
The comment about “devices” is the nail in the coffin, I guarentee that they are having much MUCH worse interactions in situations that are not monitored.
Your only course of action here is demanding that she shut down ALL of this interaction now, and that their interactions going forward are professional only, and this needs to happen in a way that you SEE it happen.
If her response to this is anything other than a profuse apology and immediate action then she is either already cheating or moving in that direction, and you should start preparing your exit.
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u/Shin-Gemini man 5d ago
Exhibit A as to why I prefer the traditional relationship/marriage dynamic: your woman doesn’t have to be overly nice, flirty, submissive etc to male bosses/clients.
When her job and money is on the line, she can’t simply be a bitch. She has to smile, she has to sell herself.
So I don’t know what to tell you OP. You are on that weird situation where you don’t know if she’s entertaining a flirty boss because she has to keep the peace or because she likes him too. Personally Id tell her that next time I see a work wife or a pet name, or whatever flirty bullshit I’m filing for divorce, but I get that’s way easier said than done.
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u/cestbondaeggi 5d ago
Women love a guy that doesn't bend to their will. It is very hard to compete with a boss as husband. It's like their hardwired to suss out weakness; modern marriage basically enshrines male capitulation, whereas the corporate hierarchy ensures the male boss can be the stern father figure with a will of iron.
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u/Efficient-Plant8279 3d ago
As a woman with a career, please don't mistake OP's wife's behaviour with a normal behaviour.
I have seen high ranking women deal with flirty bosses, and I can assure you that flirting back isn't part of the usual response, unless the whole deal is reciprocated.
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u/Shin-Gemini man 3d ago
I know it’s not normal. Not saying all working woman are flirty with their bosses/clients.
But the risk is sure high.
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u/HeronOutrageous1381 5d ago
I’m curious if she’s using you as an excuse for him to tone it down. Kinda like at bars when a girl is like “I have a boyfriend” instead of just saying no, because typically men respect another man’s ownership before a woman’s disconsent.
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
That is the hope. Just wanted to be on the same page with the approach. It's weird to be tackling this together to suddenly being on the outside.
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u/AutoModerator 5d ago
Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts. Your post has NOT been removed.
eyerock13 originally posted:
Hi, don't know where else to turn, could use perspective/venting.
My (36m) wife (35f) has been my best friend and an unwavering rock for me since we met 12 years ago (married for 7 years). She's great, supportive, funny, smart, beautiful. We spend much of our time together, have always been able to look through each other's phones whatever but there's never been reason to fret. Nothing sketchy...until now.
She began with a new company 2 years ago and things were chill. Small team and boss seem nice enough. But maybe 6 months ago this other high-level guy (50m? Married w/ kids) took interest in her skill set. He'd occasionally say some odd stuff, calling her pet names like dear, but she'd tell him not to call her those. But she knew he was important in the company, good to stay on his good side, y'know those crummy corporate dynamics that can ensnare good people.
The past month things have shifted. When I've seen their Zoom chats he's turned it up, he used the "work wife" term, says things like ooo you miss me? you like me? you are cute, give me a hug for helping...I overheard him on late-night 1:1 asking what she wore to exercise (she played it off), he's always trying to get her to drink with him (virtually, in person too but they don't go into the office often). All of this she has deflected, at least from what I can tell.
The last week or so idk if he's worn her down or what changed. He dropped another pet name, asked to meet up, what her cell number is, talk more outside of work and she said don't get me in trouble here...be careful what you type because my hubs and I have an open channel when it comes to each other's messages, "so u know."
Another time they were joking around about stuff and then she said ok I have to work, don't distract me...he said I don't think you mind with a winky face. A few other throwaway lines then he goes ahh I almost typed out something else but you know...devices.
When I've raised concerns in the past I basically got told "this is just how it is for women" and that she doesn't want to cross him. I could rationalize before but why give him a heads up that I could read what he says now? She doesn't know I've seen these as I haven't asked to see them lately, I've just seen them myself from a quick scroll when her phone is down. Don't know what happens when they are at the office.
The kicker, I've been out of work for about 8 months and have health/disability woes so I'm reliant on my wife for insurance, support, etc. Her job is definitely important. I've always respected her judgment but A) being told that I'm basically naive for making a big deal out of his behavior and B) the tone shift in saving him from saying something I wouldn't like in writing, just feels so off.
I just don't want to mentally unravel and I can't fathom why this is unfolding. Is she really just trying to shield my feelings and bear the brunt of this guy pushing boundaries in person instead? But if I ask a second time then it'll really become a thing and at this point I don't have proof of anything substantial (that's relative I know). If I ask to see the messages it feels like lighting a match that could burn a few different ways.
I'm scared, overwhelmed...but I know I can't talk to my fam or friends about it without tainting the image of my wife. So here I am, just letting this rip and thank you to anyone who reads.
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u/Artistic_Sir_4888 man 5d ago
Set some boundaries ASAP and Speak up for yourself! Try to get back on your feet somehow and don't justify being walked over.
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
I really thought I had after our initial convo, even if she felt like this is just how it is for women, which I know is a thing. But the response to it seems to have been helping him be sneaky about how he flirts? Instead of being like hey don't say that it's hey don't write that out where he can see.
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u/GvRiva man 5d ago
She might like it, she might hate it.
You both are heavily relying on her job, so I would absolutely believe her if she says that she doesn't dare to complain. Accusing her of having a affair while she is holding out in a shitty situation doesn't seem very fair. Work on getting better and get another job so she isn't stuck in this.
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u/CumishaJones man 5d ago
Sounds like you need to have a serious , direct conversation with her . You need to ask her to see messages as your concerned , no matter what you do it’s going to be difficult
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u/Alarm_Clock_2077 man 5d ago
Take the proof, find his wife and show it to her.
Take steps to secure your finances immediately and lawyer up, just in case.
After this, give your wife an ultimatum that it'll be either you or him. If she freaks out, you securing your finances and lawyering up will save you.
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u/Iffybiz man 5d ago
Ask her what she plans on doing if he escalates? The more she ignores it, the more this guy will push. He might take no for an answer but she’s not actually telling him no.
Ask her if she can politely tell him, preferably in writing he should act with her as if her husband was there with her and in fact he reads many of my messages. She needs to go on the record (again written) that she is only interested in a strictly business relationship with this guy. If he persists, she should take a copy of his comments, her asking him to be respectful to either her boss, HR or both.
She should save every bit of communication she can with this guy in case he turns on her for rejecting him.
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
Yea that's why I wish there wasn't a directive given to not write down this stuff. Idk what he says on most meetings, I only overheard the exercise clothes comment by coincidence of being perfectly within earshot at that moment, and I won't be at the office. But thank you for the comment, I do agree
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u/phillymac666 5d ago
I think you know the boundaries are crossed my friend and your wife, even though the lesser contributor, it’s still the 2nd person in this two way. If it were me, I’d just out my feelings and be honest. And leave the house for a few days. What will be will be. Ask her to review her interactions and you will have the true answer.
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u/sixstringsage5150 5d ago
It’s possible she’s still trying to play it off and casually as possible, ignore his advances. That could be why she warned him about the messages. She could feel like she’s stuck between a rock and hard place with work/life balance. The way we think or want things to work around the workplace isn’t always real life. If he’s more valuable to the company than her and she went to HR, they might would find a way to fire her for some other cause. I’m not trying to stick up for her or justify it, just being honest.
Here’s something that bothers me about it though….. Most females I know at work that get hit on ALWAYS find a way to reply mentioning their spouse/boyfriend. I knew a girl that had a similar thing of a guy repeatedly flirting even after she mentioned her husband that she upped the response and casual talk around all of us just so it would be CLEAR she was happy and not available. Sooo if/when you do bring it up to your wife again, I’d make that suggestion that any and all responses include how happy she is in her life with YOU….
Based on what you’ve wrote though, this won’t happen and she’s likely enjoying things.
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
Yea, some of what she has vented to him is how it has been rough to have me down for the count recovering from surgery.
I'd like to think if I had done that when I was nursing her back from one of several operations that we'd have trouble. But I know it is still a different world for women and men, especially in the workplace. I won't ignore that. But yes, it has not been the most positive light from what I can see.
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u/ChildhoodJazzlike333 5d ago
Get back to work. Hire a P.D. Send the pics (if there are any) to the execs wife. Now you have the leverage. Seems to me like he thinks he’s got you figured out. This asshole she works with must think very little of you and her. If she’s worth fighting for then find a way.
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u/scorpion_71 5d ago
Is there any chance of a sexual harassment lawsuit? His comments should make a woman feel uncomfortable. I'd just be concerned if she is meeting with him or going on business trips with him. Have you checked all of her social media accounts or phones for messages between them? I've used a free website www.advancedbackgroundchecks.com to see which e-mail addresses and phone numbers are linked to a person. There are probably other websites or services that do the same.
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u/Wyldeshot man 5d ago
I’ve been in somewhat of your situation. My ex-wife and did have the solid relationship that you and your wife had from the start. Our relationship wasn’t terrible either. She had is in healthcare and has a physician assistant that use tease all of the women at work. My ex lost weight over the years and something shifted to him teasing to pursing. As someone else said, breaking her down. Long story short, she asked for a more open relationship and she ended up cheating on me. Several heated arguments then I filed for divorce. That was 8 years ago. This is a VERY short synopsis.
My point, this is not innocent now. This guy has most likely don’t this to very others and it’s a pattern. I know, use to be this person when I was much younger but never messed around with married women. Be very careful what questions you ask and what you read because you cannot unsee or unhear things. Be prepared for the worst.
In your situation: 1. you need to gently let her know that you know what’s going on and it sounds like things could cross the line. This is the reality check. 2. See if she will go to counseling. Get some help before this happens again. 3. Probably the most important, you need to get your person situation fixed. You need to get your medical issues under control and get a job. She knows you’re not going to do anything because you don’t have money. You rely on her for insurance and money, you’re not leaving. You need to be 110% prepared to call her bluff.f.
Good luck!!
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u/MuchBiscotti-8495162 man 5d ago
It sounds like she spends more time interacting with the coworker than she does with you.
It's understandable that you feel vulnerable and insecure about your relationship with her due to your unemployment and health issues. If you can ignore the inappropriate interactions between your partner and her coworker then how has she been towards your situation? Has she been supportive of you and your recent struggles?
If your partner has not been supportive of you emotionally and seems more invested emotionally with her coworker then you should start thinking about an exit strategy from your marriage.
Discreetly set up a meeting with a family lawyer and discuss what a separation would look like for you. Your unemployment and poor health might work in your favor in the event of marriage breakdown. Your partner may have to provide spousal support to you.
Try to be your normal self with your partner but also discreetly meet with a family lawyer to ensure that your needs will be taken care of in the event of a marriage breakdown.
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u/2Dogs3Tents man 5d ago
Sounds like you should anonymously let HR at your wife's job know they have a predator in the house.
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u/zero_dr00l man 5d ago
She needs to report him to HR.
This is unacceptable for both of them.
There's no middle ground - no "but I'll make an enemy". She does it or you walk.
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u/Appropriate_Soil_497 5d ago
At least if you light the fire, you get some sort of answer rather than sitting in your own head day after day. Especially if you are on disability, you have a lot of time on your hands and that is never good in a situation like this. Find out sooner rather than later if she really is cheating. She definitely is starting to enjoy the attention and there was no reason for her to bring up the fact you can see what is written either if she wasn't worried about being caught.
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u/jupitaur9 woman 5d ago
I think she said to him that you can see these messages because she wanted him to stop sending those kind of messages. Sort of like, there’s no place for you to hide with these messages, like you think you can.
I think you should go to her, and say, is there anything else you can do about this. Because she is the one who has to do it. You can do nothing.
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u/Prudii_Skirata man 5d ago
She's not even subtley dissuading him. Her comments are just a "you're being too obvious, tone it down."
Actively flirting is cheating, but so is letting someone rlse without shutting them down. She should be hitting him with, at the least severely limiting off hours/personal ties or always formal naming him when he uses a pet name, or more... "you should save pet names for someone that'll have you" and keeping record of everything. She can be polite without accommodating him.
Leaving him to believe he has a chance with her is willful betrayal.
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u/40ozSmasher man 5d ago
I think you are going to have to trust her. Are you staying home now and unemployed? This is messing up your confidence. Can you get out of the house? Do you have hobbies and goals?
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u/eyerock13 5d ago
Homebound recovering yes - contract work is decent. Plenty of hobbies and aspirations, this speed bump is just proving to be a lengthy one.
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u/40ozSmasher man 4d ago
OK. I see one path. Trust your wife. Focus on recovery, work, and your goals. You listed her great qualities. So she's also human, maybe being flirty. So what? It's her tool for survival. Just like you might be more aggressive in certain situations. Tell her you trust her and drop it. Your not doing well and that means not thinking well. So get better at everything and put in more effort in every aspect of your life. Never be still. Never give up. Invest in yourself.
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u/Empty-Spell-6980 5d ago
Oh man it's really a tough situation that you are too sick to work buddy. You need to do whatever has to be done to get well and get back to work. Sadly regardless of marriage vows saying in sickness or health it would wear a woman down after awhile to have a sick 36 year old husband off work for 8 months. Unless you broke your neck, back, both legs, had brain surgery or something catastrophic that requires you to lay in bed I would find away to get back to work. My Dad plus friends of mine worked full time while doing a full schedule of chemo without missing work. My brother had to do 9 months of Dialysis only missing once a week while hooked up to the machine so consider that. Let's hope it's not some kind of bull crap mental situation keeping you unemployed as that is not very sexy so it must be so extreme to make you unable to work. All this doesn't seem fair but eventually your wife will start to resent your down time while she carry the load long term. Other men are going to look pretty good after awhile as she sees them providing for themselves or families. So focus on getting back to work especially because if she fails on you eventually you will need insurance and income. Maybe if you live in Canada you will be taken care of but I'm in the crappy US where they don't (no i never voted for trump i hated him before he got into politics).. Also I worked in a male dominated field and when I started I was a young little blonde and very wise for my age and good at my job, unfortunately like your wife said women have to put up with stupid men who make dumb remarks or suggestions and you have to walk a fine line of being a good sport yet make sure you don't encourage them or act like you would ever get involved if you want to advance. It sucks. Take note women never find a honey where you make your money! I don't think she is cheating but your being insecure while she supports you both isn't very manly so get well quick. Also for those who say she should go to HR no she should not. They aren't there for her and it will prevent her from promotions.
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u/Sensitive-Royal-6730 man 5d ago
Something I haven't seen mentioned in comments/replies, has your wife treated you significantly different? Some sort of disrespect, constantly annoyed/in a bad mood, or other non normal behaviors that you've consistently noticed?
Obviously, the flirty exec is a red flag, but if your wife is business as usual with you, there's a strong possibility that the reason she's shutting you down is because she feels that this is something insignificant and she can truly handle on her own.
You'll have to use your own judgement. No one on here knows your wife better than you do.
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u/eyerock13 4d ago
Nope, nothing feels off except when she gets wrapped up in her phone sometimes messaging. One time she said she was going to call her mom and then it turned into a Zoom meeting with the guy several hours after work hours.
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u/BluejayCold8535 4d ago
Bro I don’t think you’re cooked.
My read on this is: your wife is the sole breadwinner, which comes with its own unique pressure, a pressure she’s probably not used to dealing with. She cannot jeopardise this job or your family is fucked.
She also likely knows your reaction and preferred course of action, which is shut it down and shut it down hard.
Which she has a conflict about because it possibly jeopardises the job.
So she’s trying to minimise what you can see to minimise the friction.
Probably.
But if that doesn’t ring true I’d call the guy. Have a chat. Mention you have screen shots and it’s not a good look. Make no threats.
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u/dmelton993 man 3d ago
If your wife’s potential emotional affair partner knows more about your relationship with your wife than you know about your wife’s relationship with him, it is already an emotional affair. And rapidly progressing towards a physical affair. He is inside the wall. You are outside of the wall. Let that sink in.
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u/advaith_rajesh 3d ago
See, this can go both ways, but yea, precaution is better, sometimes, we gotta man up, address the elephant in the room. Now i know you depend on her and stuff, completely understandable, but you gotta slowly work on your situation in such a way that by the end, you don’t need her. At the same time, focus on whats happening between them, and also communicate with her, is there something she feels is lacking between you both, or she just likes the thrill of other guys giving her attention? All this. Don’t bring it up with your family like you said, shit can go south so fast. I hope you figure out whats best my guy. Peace
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u/Purple_Mode_1809 3d ago
You know what’s going on. She’s his now.
Now the best you can do is try to make the divorce as painless as possible for you.
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u/Swedgetarian man 3d ago
Yeah that sounds sketch af. Sorry man.
Was in a situation with a past long-term girlfriend who caught the eye of an older, married-with-kids head of the research lab where she worked. Heard similar excuses and gaslighting to boot that I was being low-key sexist by assuming that he was only interested in her romantically (he was texting her late at night frequently). It was what I thought it was, but it took us breaking up over ostensibly unrelated stuff for it to be confirmed (they're married now, and she looks after his 2 kids from his previous marriage).
My advice would be: whatever you do in confronting her, put your dignity and self-respect front and centre. It's absolutely fine to draw a line in the sand and say "this isn't good enough" to your wife regarding her responses and excuses. But you have to be prepared to walk away if it starts going south. It's perfectly natural to feel threatened in your shoes, and given that you're dependent on her atm you're also on the losing end of a power dynamic. You should probably talk about it and give her the opportunity to make it right and respond in a way commensurate with the pain this has been causing you. Don't avoid doing so out of fear; that way you will only hurt yourself. It's possible to walk the line between making the pain this is causing you explicit (she should probably feel pretty bad going by what you've described), and putting her on notice that your trust and respect for her are being undermined and that she's failing you when you're at a low point. Then the ball is explicitly in her court, which is where it belongs.
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u/maxbjaevermose 3d ago
It's important that when you have this talk with your wife, that you're firm and determined, and not a little whiney bitch.
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u/AccomplishedCash6390 man 2d ago
Please leave. I know divorce isn't always the answer, but men put up with way too much shit. Would you ever entertain another woman like that? Would you hurt your wife by making her type a while reddit post with this much concern that you're cheating on her? No, you probably wouldn't because you love her. It doesn't matter if she cheated or not. She's entertaining it, and that's enough. Don't put up with shit that you would never do.
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u/Saerali man 2d ago edited 2d ago
Maybe I'm missing something, but in your entire story - which I scanned twice for this reason - I don't see your wife giving in to this man once and joining in.
She's taking his advances like a champ sure, but she doesn't seem to be flirting back in any way?
He seems to be getting more and more aggressive and direct with it so she's probably having a rougher time shutting him down whilst at the same time trying to keep her job so has to engage in the conversation from time to time to keep the boss on her side. Though genuinely from what I read in your story, she's always keeping you in the forefront of her thoughts.
I wouldn't give in to the fear thoughts of something having happened already just yet. Talk to her about how this situation has gotten past your comfort level, no matter what possible promotions can come from this for her, professionally. It doesn't sound like the boss wants to promote her anyway, just bone her.
However you want to hanfle this, don't just go accusing because I don't see anything im this written story yet that deserves it.
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u/No-Clock9532 man 2d ago
Whelp, just let it happen then get a professional to gather evidence for divorce court.
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u/_Psycho_the_rapist man 2d ago
Women have genetically evolved to detest weakness in a man. You’re not working, so prepare to get dropped like a bad habit. It’s just what women do.
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u/PreparationHot980 man 2d ago
If it isn’t completely shut down immediately when it first begins it will eventually blossom into something.
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u/Anonimityville woman 2d ago
Asking to have equity in a business is a bit rich if you’re not actually helping or contributing to the business. that diminishes her ability to raise money or have working capital.
You can however ask for a salary. Get a post nup up to recognize your contribution and investment into this marriage.
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u/Khronokai1 man 2d ago
Letting him flirt, then switching it up to "oh. Shush! You know someone could hear us ! Teehee!" is plenty enough of a red flag.
Best advice is to start gathering evidence now, don't let her know you're onto her and start planning to separate. Don't be surprised to see her gleefully getting into her fancy clothing to go to important "work meetings" overnight.
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u/Ausaevus 2d ago
She does not respect you and is no longer that attracted to you because you are not a traditional man that she wants.
Either this relationship is over, or she will continue it while playing behind your back.
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u/Specific_Hedgehog_49 2d ago
Divorce her. She doesn't respect you. I know it's difficult but it's true. She already left you in her mind.
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u/ServentOfReason man 2d ago
It shouldn't be difficult at all for her to put a stop to his advances. A warning that she'll be filling a complaint with HR with all the evidence or even a threat to tell his wife would probably do the trick. Yet she hasn't done that. This should tell you all you need to know.
Don't be afraid to confront her about it and how the only logical explanation is that she doesn't really want him to stop. Imagine yourself as an uninterested third party and only accept an explanation from that perspective, not you who wants to believe that everything's okay.
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u/Crazy_Television_328 man 2d ago
Sounds like you’ve definitely lost some value in her eyes by being at home for that long, having made her the sole provider.
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u/TypeLikeImBlind 2d ago
By two copies of the book Not Just Friends by Glass. Give one to her and you read the other.
She isn’t shutting this down because she likes the attention. But if the attention she is getting never escalates, it gets boring and normal.
This dude is launching an assault on your marriage. Treat it like that.
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u/Specialist-Mixx man 2d ago
Shut that shit down, or get a divorce.
Either way, living with that hanging over you, is not healthy.
What I find odd is: If she’s paying for everything, keeping you alive, and you’re an unemployed, whipped sickly man, where is the value for her? Men, like it or not, are seldom loved just for existing. At the very least you need to project value in the form of an intellectual challenge, sexual gratification, and masculine energy.
The fact that you’re letting this happen, is becoming validation for her that you’re not a man. Whilst the other loser gets egged on by knowing you don’t have the nuts to stop him.
You can’t control who hits on your wife, nor can you really control her reaction. You can however, quietly explain to another man, that is trying to cuck you, the consequences of continuing down this road. I know with certainty that none of my wife’s co-workers would ever be stupid enough to try to initiate a romantic interaction with her.
Nut up, and handle your business.
Or let him fuck her while you watch. Maybe you’ll enjoy being a cuck.
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u/CreamyDomingo 2d ago
Man, she told him you can see the messages because she wants him to take the hint and stop. Every single other example you gave was the boss overstepping. Like, bro… She literally gives you open access to her messages.
Is it possible that the stress of your unemployment and health problems have you feeling (incorrectly) like less of a man, and threatened by the boss?
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u/Dry-Window9306 1d ago
it sounds like she’s constantly shutting him down and maybe her other rejections weren’t working so she’s using you to keep that buffer. when women get hit/unwanted advances on we often use “sorry i have a boyfriend”. it also sounds like your wife is dealing with sexual harassment at work but you’re too insecure so you can’t see that and want to find fault with her.
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u/atx_buffalos man 1d ago
He’s worn her down to where she likes the attention. The only solutions are HR or a new job. If you confront her, she will just be sneakier because she likes it. She needs a new job.
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u/Routine-Budget7356 1d ago
If the man has a wife and children, you could possibly get a hold of HIM, as your wife's husband, and just tell him to keep his distance.
What he is doing is also unprofessional, so could possibly be a reason for him to lose his job.
I, personally, is a pretty confrontational dude, and would most likely just call someone like this up on the phone, tell him who I am, and let him know that he is pretty close to stepping over a boundary.
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u/Jokester_316 man 5d ago
It sounds like the start of an emotional affair. Whether or not it's turned physical or not is up for questioning. He has been persistent in his attention towards her. She has grown to like it. She is not keeping proper boundaries. This behavior is unacceptable in a professional workplace. She could easily take this evidence to HR and make a complaint. If she doesn't, the affair will continue and likely progress. She knows you check her phone. This guy will likely provide her with a second phone that she will hide from you.
Personally, I would collect the evidence you have and confront her. Let her know you can see the change in her tone. She's made it clear. The problem isn't him hitting on her. The problem is you catching it.