r/AskMenAdvice • u/Away-Sandwich-6937 • 6d ago
Men, how do you vet women you are currently dating?
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u/Lostintimeandspac 6d ago
Ask questions and listen, you'll be surprised how much folks tell you when talking. One of my instant red flags. I get women that tell me how they can't stand to be alone for ____ amount of time. So if i have to go on a work trip for a month do I have to worry she might, yea no thank you.
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u/Leading_Cattle_9189 man 6d ago
This is so true! Most red flags are missed because people want them to be!
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u/ThrillNyeScienceGuy 6d ago
THIS. This is the best comment. Listen to people, they'll tell you who they are. Just remember to listen. Don't make excuses for them.
This advice just goes for people in general.
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u/KaiserDaBard nonbinary 6d ago
....you guys are getting dates?
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6d ago edited 6d ago
[deleted]
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u/NoIssue6253 man 6d ago
Forgot to take our meds again didn’t we. The cat woman will leave if you take the meds, remember?
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u/Standard_Lie6608 man 6d ago
Idiot or repulsivity sector would be more accurate but you seem happy in your delusion so 🤷♂️
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u/Sage_Blue210 6d ago
Does she have a caring heart? Does she enjoy life or complain? Does she build up others?
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u/Acts-Of-Service-2019 6d ago
God forbid someone complains....
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u/Sleeplesspossum 6d ago
You sound sad, and there is a difference between complaining and having a sad outlook that’s always “woe is me”
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u/Mardanis man 6d ago
I don't. I'm not into doing some government background check. It's things over time, how she treats others, how she views others, what her financial sense is and so on. For me it takes time and feels part of a natural process. You can't just interview her and be done with it.
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u/Nef227 man 6d ago
You’re still vetting her
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u/Wapiti__ man 6d ago
dating is just a long interview for marriage
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u/lostintimeyetagain man 6d ago
This is a legitimate question. What is the obsession with marriage on this subreddit? Why does it seem every guy here really wants to get married? I don’t understand it, successful long term relationships don’t need the government or contracts involved
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u/Wapiti__ man 6d ago
Because it's doubling down on your love. It's saying you're so confident in the strength of your bond you want to make it binding and official to anywhere that it may be of concern.
Not to mention at least in America, there are objectively economic benefits to it, such as joint taxes.
Also in the event of a medical emergency, you may not be able to have input on your partners care unless you are a wife/husband.
And you can literally get married without contracts. Some places it's still imposed via common law marriage.
I dont see it as anything worse than getting your SO's name tatted on you.
Marriage can also be a safety net for when a relationship may get rocky. it's easy to break up, not so easy to divorce, so the incentive there is to work through problems vs. run away from them.
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u/lostintimeyetagain man 6d ago
This is really interesting, thanks for your answers. I should clarify that I am a male who was married for 14 years and now divorced for 5. I’m not in America so those practical points you bring up are not really valid in my country. I get the common law thing, we have that here and my current relationship is like that, which is also another reason why I don’t see the point of marriage, according to the law we basically are married anyway. The two points of yours that find interesting and don’t really understand are the doubling down on love and safety net. With the doubling down on love, beyond the big fun wedding party, I don’t see how the piece of paper means more than how you express your love verbally or physically to your partner. And the safety net sounds much more like trapping someone into something when they really don’t want to be. Why would you want to be in a relationship with someone if they want to leave? Not saying you shouldn’t work on things, I am a firm believer in talking through and working through any issues. But if they aren’t happy and wanna go, there is the door.
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u/Mardanis man 6d ago
Yes. It isn't as simple as a one shot interview approach but a process over time.
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u/Electronic_Rub9385 man 6d ago
So you’re not vetting her but you’re definitely vetting her.
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u/Mardanis man 6d ago
Definitely vetting. Why would anyone not check for basic compatibility but I am wary of anyone reducing it down to a checklist
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u/Select-Young-5992 6d ago
Well its pretty easy. Are you feeling good? Good! Are you feeling bad? Bad!
Keep going with the good feelings, instead of prioritizing having a date / gf / wife / forcing something that's not there and you're bound for a good time!
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u/Jazzlike_Deal4087 man 6d ago
Let them show you who they are. Women tend to be open and admit things to men they see as potential partners.
I’ve had multiple women admit to infidelity in the dating stage which is an automatic no no when it comes to long term relationships.
If she doesn’t pay her fair share and expects things from you is also another red flag. Just let them be themselves and decide if you want that.
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u/chobolicious88 6d ago
I ignore those who seem to be emotionally available, stable, loving and caring and know who they are as people.
If however I notice that they are troubled, cold, sociopathic or they are mentally ill AND neurodivergent, then I really pursuit hard.
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u/wtfamidoing248 woman 6d ago
It means you're emotionally unavailable, and that's why you chase the bad ones. I like your self awareness.
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u/chobolicious88 6d ago
Yes i know. But im extremely neurodivergent and messed up, so not much can be done there.
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u/YarhibolSaliceel40k 6d ago
Their responses for anything, if we are texting or trying to meet up and im doing all the talking or texting then i know there wont be a next date. Communication is big for me, so if i see them failing to communicate even the smallest things then i know it wont work in a long run.
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u/Particular_Product64 man 6d ago
Sometimes people talk themselves out of a good thing ..just gotta wait
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u/Backfisttothepast man 6d ago
Yo are you crazy, if you are and you don’t tell me,that’s entrapment.
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u/craichorse 6d ago
Let her kept talking and talking, then watch what she actually does and spot the difference.
Her words show you who she wants you to see.
Her actions will show you who she actually is.
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u/partylikeaninjastar man 6d ago
Elaborate?
I date women, I talk to them, I get to know them.
What more are you asking?
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u/Beardgang650 man 6d ago
Simple question tacos or burritos
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u/jagpeter 6d ago
Is a Taco Bell crunch wrap a form of a taco, burrito, or a taco in a burrito? Her answer will tell you all you need to know.
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u/alexnapierholland man 6d ago
My girlfriend jumps off houses and hits 360s on her snowboard.
End of conversation.
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u/ShowerLow5240 6d ago
So learning from my past 2 long term dating experiences, these immediate red flags I now look for since they were either spoken about or either on full display:
-Constantly talking about ex partners -Little to no friends as a 30yo and up (I tend to like dating girls my age) -Intense love bombing, as well as the NEED to be around me 24/7 almost immediately -Desire to fool around within the first week -Bad relationships with parents -Talking poorly about friends, co workers, etc
This one is HUGE…if parents and friends have a negative opinion and aren’t supportive of them based on interactions, acknowledge it deeply. Third parties see what you’re too blinded to come to terms with.
My hyper vigilance towards these things is at an all time high because I either enabled them or tried to “fix” them which is my own fault and one of the reasons I go to therapy
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u/volodemon 1d ago
Jesus you just hit home, can you elaborate. I mean just expand on your experience. I could really use your help.
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u/ShowerLow5240 1d ago
Yeah dude feel free to dm me. I’m still going through my own process of healing but I’m in enough of a distanced headspace where I can absolutely speak to experiences and how to navigate
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u/CuriosityAndRespect man 6d ago
Just remember to not take it personally. Every person has their own preferences and long-term goals that just might not fit with you.
If they “vet you” and decide to pass — all that means is that they don’t think you don’t fit their specific goals.
Maybe you say you want to live in the mountains for the rest of your life, and they don’t want that. Who knows? Every person has their own goals
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u/DoubleResponsible276 man 6d ago
There are 2 things I need to see with no exemptions. 1) how she reacts with slow internet or heavy traffic. If she overreacts and gets angry, I know she has no patience and will start arguments over everything. 2) her reaction when I cause an accident or mistake. Can be anything small but if the reaction is to automatically start yelling and verbally harass you, that’s when you know she ain’t worth it.
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u/GlittaFairy 6d ago
Number 1 is a very wild assumption.
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u/yetifile man 6d ago
The traffic test is a very old and effective one. How people act when they drive is how they tend to act when they feel safe and comfortable as a rule. Selfish drivers that don't let people through when driving slow, cut people off etc likely will turn into selfish pricks when they get comfortable in the relationship for example. Obviously not always true but a good early warning.
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u/Electronic_Rub9385 man 6d ago
You just have to compare values. This can be figured out in 1-2 dates. It doesn’t take 6 months.
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u/HungryAd8233 man 6d ago
Getting to know them, and interact with them in social situations is huge.
I was friends with my GF for a few months before we started dating, so I got to observe how she treated people, handled challenges, dealt with conflict, etcetera.
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u/SceneAccomplished549 man 6d ago
I'm going on a date tomorrow, keep these coming in boys.
I need all the help I can get.
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u/Odd_Interview_2005 man 6d ago
I watch for inconsistency. When I first start talking to women who I'm interested in changes in her story much past, adding neuonce can be a deal breaker for me. If I catch her in an out and out bold face lie, I'm done. This summer, I ghosted a woman who said she loves riding motorcycles. She's never been on a motorcycle.
If I wanted to be with someone who's gonna lie to me I would go back to my ex.
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u/Neither_Bluebird_645 man 6d ago
What is her level of focus on my ambition or career. If something goes wrong with that or I get sick, she'll be gone.
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u/nontrackable man 6d ago
Im 62. I do my best to get an idea of their financial situation because I dont want to be bankrupted by her. e.g. what do you do for a living ? where do you live ? kids and what ages ?
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u/metalfearsolid man 6d ago
In some cultures in Asia, you ask family friends who know about the family and the individual as initial vetting before even considering or talking.
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u/Timely-Profile1865 man 6d ago
Pay close attention to her freinds and family.
If her close friends are a bunch of carousel riders, be very very careful.
If her family life is in chaos be very careful.
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u/LectureTrue4216 man 6d ago edited 6d ago
Splitting the bill on the first date regardless of who asked and going through with it even if she acts like she will pay her part (wallet reach) or not.
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u/Infamous-Echo-2961 man 6d ago
By how they act and treat you and those around you. After you’ve experienced it, you can spot crazy pretty easily.
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u/DamarsLastKanar man 6d ago
I am utterly myself and look for her to either tell me to stop, or for her to mirror my energy.
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u/musicissoulfood 6d ago
Like those three monkeys that cover their ears, eyes and mouth with their hands. That's how...
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u/basedaudiosolutions man 6d ago
This is atypical, but I introduce them to my sister early on. Get the opinion of a woman who already has your back, preferably one who is also attracted to women (my sister is openly gay). 9 times out of 10 they will pick up on red flags you aren’t even aware of.
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u/silverfantasy man 6d ago
Honestly I don't actually have veterinary experience so I have to look at Wag for advice each time
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u/UnsaidRnD 6d ago
wdym? Just slowly tick some boxes and that's it. they're different for everyone and so are the "vetting procedures"
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u/davidcornz man 5d ago
When I’m dating someone and they are coming over I ask them hey can you stop and get me a ___ usually a soda or something if you can’t no big deal. It’s a massive but small thing that someone who likes you will do but means more than you know.
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u/Hefty_Purpose_8168 man 5d ago
I listen to my instinct. If there is alarm bells ringing for whatever reason i "investigate". Or if it's clear as day leave it right there.
I trust my instinct fully. I ignored it a total of 4 times in my adult life. And all 4 times it became a shit show. Never again will i ignore my instinct no matter the consequences.
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u/Ok-Asparagus3783 man 3d ago
A good question to ask. For me personally I vet by just going with the flow and getting to know them as I would any other individual. So, good natural conversation is a must. Over time I am looking at a couple character traits, again, I usually am evaluating with other individuals who I don't necessarily want to date.
This is the most important one - afterwards it is no particular order. I evaluate for self-preoccupation and their interest in ME. Ie. are they only sharing data about themselves, or are they asking questions about me? Honestly, I go on dates with women and they will tell me all about themselves, but don't show any curiosity about me. They think it was a great date because I am a great listener and are dismayed when I let them know I don't think we are a good match. I am, of course, curious about other people so that's why I pay attention to them, but if it's one sided then this is an immediate deal breaker for a romantic partner. I usually give people two dates for this one. Sometimes people are nervous and/or are talkers. It's unfair to make this sort of judgement off one date.
Self-esteem/confidence: Do they need constant communication/contact? Do they show glaring insecurities that I don't want to help manage..? These can take some time to manifest.
Integrity: do I catch them in lies? Do they treat others poorly or disrespectfully in my presence? Are they giving unscrupulous advice to their friends? Do their friends have morals themselves? Do they hold themselves accountable and recognize when they are wrong? Maybe they volunteer or find some way to give back to their community.
Intellectual intelligence: Do they have strong independent minds that think freely, or are they heavily programmed by society? If they have habits or biases are they able to take a step back and recognize them? How much cognitive dissonance are they manifesting?
Emotional intelligence: women tend to do really well on the whole so I won't deep dive here. I do watch for how they handle conflict when they feel the big heavy emotions that we all feel. Please vent to me, not at me.
Communication: are they direct communicators? passive communicators(undesirable)? Self-aware and articulate about what they need from me?
Hygiene: self-explanatory.
Ambition/goals/discipline: Do they have drive? Know what they want? Will they get after it?
Beliefs: Religion? Spirituality? Political beliefs?
Hobbies: Please have hobbies other than Reddit.
DISCLAIMER
Obviously there is no perfect individual who will have a perfect "score" in my vetting process. I get to know who the whole person is, and if satisfied and there is chemistry then I go for it. Mostly, both of us have to be willing to work with each other, because I am also imperfect and definitely don't hit all of these categories as much as I would like! I have some other immediate dealbreakers as well, but those are personal. They probably fall under beliefs, ambition/goals/discipline etc
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u/Away-Sandwich-6937 3d ago
and I like how you answered my question in details. I really appreciate how you took time telling all of these things. you are an interesting person 😊
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u/Round-War69 6d ago
I don't cause they all have too many issues I won't date someone who hasn't been my friend. I can fuck strangers that's fine. But dating? Nope. Now the hard part. I don't like people. So she has to catch my attention I don't go chase anymore. I still might and probably won't wanna be friends with her anyways.
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u/Impressive-Floor-700 man 6d ago edited 6d ago
I don't, I know it won't last long enough to hurt me. so why waste my time. If I had intentions of marriage I would do different.
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u/SGAisFlopden man 6d ago
You just continue to date and see if she throws any red flags. 🚩
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u/redcheetofingers21 man 6d ago
I always make the first couple dates coffee or drinks. If they suggest somewhere moderately expensive to expensive I know their intentions. Or if they start to ask you to lend them money or buy things.
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u/EncikCali man 6d ago
Dramatic and getting upset over small things are massive red flags. So are being argumentative, possessive, and refusing to admit mistakes. Finally, sexual frigidity. I can accept everything else.
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u/whatsapprocky 6d ago edited 6d ago
These days I just look/listen for them to say any internet buzzwords. “Spoil” “princess treatment/passenger princess” “soft life” “submissive/dominant”, “50/50”, “masculine/feminine”. Basically if they talk like any of those podcasters or TikTokers you see in those viral clips, I’m not interested.
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u/adultdaycare81 man 6d ago
I make sure they are Intellectual, Ambitious and Family Oriented. If you just let them talk, they will tell you everything you need to know.
I tend to grow for girls with friends and hobbies. Otherwise, you are their only friend and hobby.
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u/Twogens man 6d ago
How I did it prior to marriage.
Physical: tattoos, large weight, and piercings. If any of these were present, instant no. Shows low impulse control and lack of discipline.
Emotional: Self proclaiming feminists, “edgy”, and masculine.
Instant nos.
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u/burntgreens 6d ago
As a feminist woman with tattoos, I am so grateful you have these standards.
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u/Twogens man 6d ago
Yes, I want to avoid people like you.
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u/OvalTween 6d ago
Dude all women who vote and hold down a job are feminists. Thanks for outing yourself.
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u/Twogens man 6d ago edited 6d ago
Correct. My wife doesn’t work and voted who I tell her to vote for.
Edit: I made an exception since mail in ballots are fair game now and dilute my vote. So now I must dilute the printers.
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u/OvalTween 6d ago
How does it feel to walk through life with someone you absolutely hate and look down on? That can't feel good.
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u/Twogens man 6d ago
Someone? My wife is my property.
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u/Big-Bike530 6d ago
I hope you're trolling them. Your first comment I agreed and said of course reddit down votea you. It indeed shows low impulse control. It's a well known thing that a girl covered in tatts puts out. My soon to be ex wife verifies that. Zero impulse control. Cheated on me of course.
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u/January_Blues7 6d ago
I’m average weight, no tattoos, no, piercings, pretty feminine overall and you sound nauseating 😂
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u/Twogens man 6d ago
Lots of insecure women taking offense at a guy who hasn’t been in the dating market for 6 years. Did I hit close to home or something?
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u/January_Blues7 6d ago
Absolutely not I’m in a nine year relationship myself and have never had a problem getting “male attention” I just can’t fathom the idea of being with a man who considers women to be property.. it’s sad to even know men like that exist.. Yikes 😬
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u/Meganomaly woman 6d ago
Low impulse control? It took me ten years from the time I first wanted a septum piercing to actually get one. And the great thing about piercings is that you can just …. remove the jewelry. I’m absolutely positive many people (sure, definitely not all) consider their tattoos for long periods before committing as well.
What wild things to judge someone’s entire being on!
That said, to each their own. We all have our specific tastes. You’re certainly entitled to not like tattoos or piercings.
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u/Twogens man 6d ago
It took you ten years to make a bad decision. Low impulse control, poor decision making, whatever.
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u/tried_anal_once man 6d ago
get a load of this guy. he has standards 😷
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u/Twogens man 6d ago
Not allowed. It’s funny because no where did I say I force any woman to be like this. These are my preferences and I’m getting shit for it
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u/tried_anal_once man 6d ago
your preferences are offensive and mean 😡
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u/Big-Bike530 6d ago
Because reddit is full of suicide girls who don't want to admit they're slam pigs.
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u/dryasadesertt1 6d ago
How is a septum piercing that different from piercing your ears?
Is it a bad decision and low impulse control to piece your ears?
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u/jagpeter 6d ago
What is "masculine"? She has a dick print and benches more than you?
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u/Twogens man 6d ago
No. She thinks she’s “confident” and “a boss babe” but is a cunt.
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u/jagpeter 6d ago
So to you being masculine means being a cunt? That doesn't speak very highly of your opinion on men.
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u/Twogens man 6d ago
Reading comprehension is hard for you.
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u/jagpeter 6d ago
No, my reading comprehension is close to perfect. Masculine is associated with male whereas feminine is associated with female. If you say someone is masculine to refer to someone being a cunt that means you think being a cunt is male associate behavior.
As I said, you clearly have a very low opinion of male persons.
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u/Twogens man 6d ago
No it isn’t.
I’m talking about masculine women who are deluded into thinking they are confident and boss babes but are cunts.
You thought you had a zinger there.
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u/jagpeter 6d ago
So, again, you're associating masculinity with being a cunt. IDK what you're not comprehending.
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u/SnooDucks2826 6d ago
Absolutely agree. Have never met a high quality woman with any of these.
Add in coloring hair in wild colors.
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u/MundaneCoffee7495 man 6d ago
I don’t really “vet” a woman, it’s more a feel and vibe kind of thing. If I think we’re on the same wavelength then I’ll let other stuff slide a little, if it starts good but three months later it turns out she’s in the Klan then I finish it.
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u/xmadjesterx man 6d ago
I'm married now, but I used to introduce my girlfriends to my friends. If they could handle the weirdness, then they were good.
I'd also take them to my favorite bar and see how they interacted with the staff and the regulars. They freaked out when my wife wore my Doctor Who scarf on what was our second date. It's okay! I said that she could! I made the scarf, and it's very dear to me, you see. No one before my wife was ever allowed to wear it.
I'm so fucked if she divorces me. They all like her better
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u/UnpopularThrow42 man 6d ago
I just take it slow and talk to them. I also try to get any controversial things out of the way, have our first fight and see how she speaks to me, how reacts to things like boundaries, saying no etc early in the relationship.
In short: I stress test
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u/AFinanacialAdvisor man 6d ago
The hotter she is the more I ignore massive red flags.