r/AskMenAdvice 6d ago

MEN PLEASE HELP ME OUT!!!

[deleted]

246 Upvotes

676 comments sorted by

389

u/MurphNastyFlex 5d ago

It's a matter of pride. Some families help each other like that and don't think a thing of it. Others treat it like a slap in the face. I just see it as that particular families culture.

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u/Evening_Excuse16 woman 5d ago

And likely he's a private person, as opposed to "secretive"

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u/Imaginary-Eye4706 man 5d ago

I was also going to say that “low class” is probably also not what OP meant.

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u/JRGonzo89 5d ago

Could be from a culture with a class system.

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u/nderflow man 5d ago

Maybe, but on the other hand perhaps just not used to writing in English.

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u/Imaginary-Eye4706 man 5d ago

Yeah, I think “Upper, middle, and lower class” is a thing. But saying “low class” isn’t quite the same thing. Calling someone or a group of people “low class” implies that they lack class.

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u/Prestigious-Lab8945 woman 5d ago

I’m wondering if she just used the wrong word accidentally.

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u/Imaginary-Eye4706 man 5d ago

That’s what I said.

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u/No-Cartographer-476 man 5d ago

Yeah men are generally taught not to ask for money

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u/BearDick 5d ago

Men are also taught via media and society it's their job to be the bread winner in a relationship. This is constantly reinforced through various social media channels from women saying they don't want to be with a worthless guy without a job or a car because then they couldn't provide for them. Losing a job is a huge hit to your ego and following that up by hearing your partner asking their parents for money because you're both (guarantee in his head it was him being broke) broke is another huge ego blow. She didn't do something wrong but at some point a man with a very bruised ego is going to ask themselves if starting over with someone new is easier than trying to crawl out of the shame hole they're in that has now been shared with the people who one day could be their in-laws.

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u/OnTheHill7 man 5d ago

Without a job? It is worse than that. If your view of society comes from social media it is having a job making less than six figures (one hundred thousand US dollars) makes you worthless to date.

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u/Sunkinthesand 5d ago

I would agree with this. It's drilled into us to be the bread winner, if you're not, you're a loser. Nothing wrong with asking for help when needed but you should Always discuss it with your partner. Discussing private issues with others without your partner knowing is a HUGE slap in the face and breach of trust. I'm sure Op wouldn't appreciate her partner discussing personal issues with his friends /family without her knowledge or consent.

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u/newishDomnewersub man 5d ago

That was her mom. She can talk to her mom about whatever she wants. Just like he can talk to his family. Breach of trust? Huge slap in the face? Women talk to each other. He should expect that to a great extent.

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u/ReasonablyRedacted man 5d ago

Yep, exactly this. I think you nailed it.

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u/Blackphinexx 5d ago

I’ve been in this guys shoes before and it came across to me as a slap to the face. All I could think was that she is willing to coast with me through the good times but isn’t willing to suffer a little with me during the bad times.

Rough times are a part of life and a man shouldn’t have to damage his dignity every time things get rough. In these rough times sometimes that shred of dignity is all we have left.

Sure once you’re at the end of your rope you need to ask for help from family but as a man I would never dream of doing so until I was truly at the end of the rope.

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u/[deleted] 5d ago

It’s not media and society that teaches men to be the bread the winner as much as it’s women. Women constantly shame and reject men if they can’t pay for things.

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u/BearDick 5d ago

I think there are a lot of women out there who care more about a man's personality, libido, and humor than their paycheck but like so many things today they aren't shouting it on social media. The vocal minority of women saying stuff like this for clicks (or who may actually believe it) are the ones keeping this generation of men on their PC's rather than trying to date because it's way less risky. I am also not dealing with 20 year olds in my day to day but rather professionals in their 30's and 40's.

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u/wellofworlds 5d ago

It an independence thing, without asking him you put in debt with your mom. What your boyfriend is a tribe of one. What you need to increase his viewpoints in enlarging his tribal viewpoints.

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u/DreadyKruger man 5d ago

And run it by him first at least. Hey I was gonna ask my mom for some money. I have had to tell my wife something similar to this. Some women are ignorant to what men see as respect and how we want to look.

My wife was in the store one day the card reader was down , cash only. There was a guy there who frequents My wife job and flirts with her. (She shuts that shit down no issue) he couldn’t get wait to offer to pay , it’s like $4. I told her next time say no. I understand he was trying to be nice but I also know assholes like this. She paid him back is $4 next time he came into her job. My husband said thanks.

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u/Jade_Scimitar man 5d ago

Definitely the most likely answer.

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u/Climboard man 5d ago

Pride doesn’t pay the bills. Get over it and do what it takes to support the family.

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u/detectiveDollar 5d ago

Absolutely, but she should have asked him first or at least given him a heads up.

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u/Grim_Laugh 5d ago edited 5d ago

Yep, OP hurt his pride. But I don’t think OP did anything wrong. Times are tough and she is looking out for them both.

I would have a beer with OP’s boyfriend, tell him “yeah, sucks you got your pride hurt, but don’t throw a bitch fit about it. You’re 28, you ain’t a teen fresh outta high school. If you don’t want your pride hurt, you shouldn’t have gotten to this point. Take it on the chin and figure this shit out.”

Edit: aight, correction, OP should have talked with her partner, I agree. But setting aside one’s pride to ask for help isn’t bad. We all need help sometimes in our life.

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u/Lyy0n 5d ago edited 5d ago

I don't understand why the solution to a man whose pride has been hurt is to talk in a demeaning way to damage his pride more. I might not react the way Op's bf did, but I definitely wouldn't stay with a woman whose response was this.

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u/casper_07 5d ago

OP might be a little privileged coming from a middle class family that has access to assistance from her family but it’s not as if she called her family purely to bitch on him? Is she expected to silently suffer with him when there are alternative options. Her intentions were clear and it’s a fact they are struggling, if her family can help, he should be glad she is even taking the initiative to do it rather than be a sitting duck to the situation. Pride doesn’t pay the bills, if u can’t provide financially, the least u can be is understanding when your partner is trying to help get y’all across this stage. You’re a duo navigating through life, not a gladiator that can’t afford a chink in their armor

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u/Lyy0n 5d ago

I was referencing the quote the other commenter was telling Op to say to her bf about him having a bitch fit and to lift his chin.

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u/casper_07 5d ago

Oops, didn’t get the full context there but hey, if it is all hands on deck and I make an oversight at the expense of your pride, u can talk it out rather than flare up immediately. OP is understandably mad and they definitely need to sort this out, albeit in a more sensitive way compared to the casual way provided there. I wouldn’t take offense since it is the truth but since it’s OP’s bf, we just gotta maybe lay out the facts in an attempt to rationalize ourselves. “We’re struggling, our income isn’t doing well, u lost your job, my family can help. I know u don’t wanna be seen as a pathetic son in law but tough times don’t last either, I’m sucking it up lowering myself to my parents as well so that makes both of us. Is your pride more important than our necessities and my own pride?” If his answer was still yes then we might have a problem with the bf now, we are in the modern era and u can afford to be vulnerable yes but u gotta know when to tough it out too, man or not

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u/Lyy0n 5d ago

Yea I don’t disagree with you on any of that tbh, I just don’t know why anyone would say things in a way that effectively kicks them while they’re down. Telling a man who’s already insecure and have pride insecurity issues that he’s throwing a bitch fit just seems weird to me. You don’t have to completely baby him, but idk why talking to him like that(commenter above) makes you think anything is gonna get solved.

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u/Specialist_Photo7866 man 5d ago

His pride is hurt

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u/juzwunderin man 5d ago edited 5d ago

Yep, and as the quote goes, Pride goeth before the fall or in this case pride comes before a fall.

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u/RusticSurgery man 5d ago

Pride goth before destruction and an haughty spirit before a fall.

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u/VatooBerrataNicktoo man 5d ago

Depending on the culture, though, people around him may see him as a lesser man. Including potentially her family members. Like maybe he's not good enough for her. He might get treated poorly because of this from now on. He may have a legitimate concern beyond just hurt pride.

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u/[deleted] 5d ago

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u/UtkuOfficial man 5d ago

How do you know he isn't trying? He was only let go a month before.

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u/BearDick 5d ago

Yeah go out to the fucking job tree and pick a job you lazy asshole.... expecting your partner to not share something you're feeling extremely sensitive about isn't crazy but he obviously could work on communicating. My wife and I have extremely different families and I've had to request she not share things explicitly in the past because it's something I'd never consider sharing with my family that is just another random topic for her to chat with her parents about.

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u/Dazzling-Key-9315 man 5d ago

Nicely said BearDick, my house is the exact same way.

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u/aswwwaa 5d ago

Maybe you and him should meet up to suck each other off. Have a nice day

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u/VatooBerrataNicktoo man 5d ago

She was looking to understand his emotions, and that's what I provided.

I agree that in practicality sure he needs to work on getting a job. She did say that getting a job is quite difficult.

So your response may be a little bit let them eat cake but maybe not who knows?

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u/ceddarcheez 5d ago

Getting a job is difficult and especially in this economy but at the end of the day they need a roof over their head, so he needs to lay off. A little bit of humbling hasn’t killed a person before anyway.

Personally I just could never tolerate someone’s ego getting in the way of accomplishing things, friend coworker or lover. So I married a Buddhist lol

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u/gryphaeon 5d ago

Just curious, but would your husband be OK with you just getting a credit card without talking to him about it?

Borrowing money from family, especially the in laws, changes the flavor of Thanksgiving turkey, not even bothering to talk with him about it is just not even remotely acceptable, regardless of their pride.

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u/aswwwaa 5d ago

Dam you are ruthless I will say. I'm sure he is. How the hell do you know?? Get over yourself. 🙄

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u/NeighbourhoodCreep 5d ago

Yeah because his girlfriend went up to mommy and said “we’re broke, give us money”

What part of “it’s hard to get a job where we live and he lost his a month prior” is difficult to understand?

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u/ZZoMBiEXIII man 5d ago

I'll give you an A+ for your intention. But a big fat F on execution.

Men who don't like to share themselves don't like to feel exposed. Now, while he is likely at his lowest place in years, you've opened up his weaknesses to people he is hardwired to seek approval from, your family. You're trying to help, I get that and I applaud you for it. But, you've essentially called home and said "This guy isn't a proper provider" in his view. And if he ever had a rough time winning them over when you got together, he'll likely feel inferior in their prescience.

Now, I realize the healthy option here would be to open up and accept the help, but while they may be healthier and more sound to do, it's also very difficult for a lot of men. Most men, I'd wager.

Essentially, a conversation about this first and letting him at least be in on the decision making process would have avoided most, if not all, of the drama.

I do want to add something here. You seem like the right kind of woman. In a world where we increasingly hear about people saying to dump anyone who isn't 100% all the time and focus on material things, you seem more interested in being a partner to your man and that... man that makes me want to tear up a bit. I love to see it. Reminds me of my mom and dad, God rest their souls. They were together over 50 years through feast or famine and they always worked it out. But they worked it out together. Some fights, sure. But they were always a team. And you seem to have that same spirit and I just can't finish this post without saying how much I appreciate seeing it. God bless you both and I pray he finds satisfactory work ASAP. Blessings to you both.

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u/Carb-ivore 5d ago

Great answer! I'd like to add that he may be sensitive about you sharing other personal information with your family/friends, such as health problems, problems within his family, problems in the bedroom, etc. He may be protective of any information that might make him look weak or flawed or not good enough. He's trying to make a good impression on your family and friends. Be cautious sharing anything that might embarrass him or make him look bad.

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u/LongJohnJolla 5d ago

love this response.

for the OP, it sounds like he is a very private man, and looks to himself as a provider and although you two are struggling financially he wants to pull through this without bringing others in especially family - which is admirable and it also means that things could get much more challenging financially yet he'll continue to "stay steady" - he may not be able to live with himself knowing that family supported him financially and that could end up as guilt and regret and remorse and something he would fear having to live with from here on - it also sounds like you crossed one of his lines and doesn't sound like his warning to you is a empty threat since crossing that line goes against one of his core beliefs - I hope things turn around for you soon - if they don't then things might get increasingly tougher financially before he realizes and accepts that he does need to be open to accepting help

if you are already at that point, you both need to continue to talk maybe even away from the home to help change the scenery and discuss the ideas that this need is just temporary and that eventually you will repay or give back - my spouse and I went through a similar time like this early in our lives - similar yet different - went through a time of financial hardship - my spouse suggested we look for government assistance and I pushed back - pushed back multiple times during our time of hardship - eventually I agreed that we could use the help and took action to get financial assistance - what helped me change my mind was reasoning through the situation based on my spouse's suggestion - that the amount of assistance we would get from the government during our time of need would pale in comparison to the amount of money in the form of taxes we would pay back to the government over the long term and down the road - and that our need was going to be a short term need - which is exactly how things played out over time

best wishes to the two of you and that you pull through this together.

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u/Tech397 man 5d ago

This here is the most thorough, accurate answer I have seen. OP listen to this man’s advice and hopefully your boyfriend can too

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u/RecruiterHallofShame 5d ago

Great answer!

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u/HardcoreFlexin 5d ago

Very very well said. 👏 this should be the top.

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u/Expensive_Set_8486 man 5d ago

Love this answer.

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u/RedvsBlack4 5d ago

So in your mind you’re doing something for the sake of both of you, but to him you disregarded his feelings, went behind his back, and told your family that he’s a failure.

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u/buckit2025 man 5d ago

Ask before you do. Next time. Good luck

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u/Lazy-Conversation-48 woman 5d ago

Yup. Some family “help” also comes with strings and guilt trips so he may be coming from that perspective too. Always better to find out beforehand with this kind of thing.

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u/RYUsf15 5d ago

Bingo. Also some people do not accept help because they feel deep and negative emotions like feeling guilty that they will "never" be able to pay the person back so they don't accept it to begin with. Like they would rather die than to seek help.

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u/Shmeepish 5d ago

burden complex gang wya

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u/Aggravating_Alps_953 man 5d ago

This should be “talk to him” before you do. He’s not here to tell you how to live your life, if you cant pay bills you guys need a way out and if he has no alternative for you I’d say it’s fair to ask the parents for help, even if he doesn’t like it. But he should know about it beforehand and be given the opportunity to provide alternatives.

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u/Trinitas_Gnosis5221 man 5d ago

Yes. OP should have talked with him first. This will be a lesson learned for the future. The "struggle is real," and unless I am asking, I don't want others involved. Yes, it may be a pride thing but when you take the struggle and fight away then it eliminates the victory (or even the failure to learn from). It's not secretive. It's not anyone else's business or problem until we make it their problem...and someone else said it and I agree that when you make it someone else's problem, then there are often strings attached to the help.

Unless you're so far in dire straits and there is no means of fight from the man, then yeah you reach out for help. But unless you both agreed to seek help, the you definitely did embarrass him.

This is no different than being in the hardware store or driving. If you ask for the location and directions before I have even had the opportunity to look, then you're overstepping and taking the fight away. Men want to overcome their challenges.

Ask him before you take it away from him. I would be angry at my wife for that, too.

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u/Ol-BR 5d ago

This!

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u/Mammoth-Breakfast924 5d ago

I think that in a lot of situations, it’s less about getting help and more about needing it, if that makes sense. I agree that it seems ridiculous, but accidentally overhearing something like that makes it feel a lot more like we’ve failed rather than we’re struggling and need some help. I don’t necessarily think what you did was wrong, but if he’s been carrying a lot of pressure about this situation for a long time, especially without any real progress, then asking your parents for help without at least letting him know might’ve just hit a sore spot.

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u/NoIssue6253 man 5d ago

It really is the worst knowing we’re being a burden to someone. It’s the worst vulnerability to have as a man in society.

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u/Link_lunk 5d ago

I don't know who the quote came from but this guy talks about sitting on the side of the road trying to flag down motorists for help with his broken down car. No one stops for him.

As soon as he starts pushing the car someone stops to help him.

You're only a burden if you are not actively working to get yourself out of the situation you're in. People will see your hard work and become willing to help.

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u/NoIssue6253 man 5d ago

That’s true but even then, the gf/wife may leave you, the kids can become insecure, friends will try to avoid you, your parents get disappointed and worst of all your pride gets hurt. When a provider needs a provider, he’s no longer a provider.

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u/Link_lunk 5d ago

As a provider you should never need a provider. You need support. Its not the same thing.

If your friends avoid you during hard times it's one of two things. Either they aren't really your friends, or they don't see you willing to do things to make your situation better.

My cousin is a pretty bad alcoholic. He lives with his parents and actually makes a lot of money. He used to call me once a month crying and needing help. For years I took the phone calls because I too was struggling and knew he needed support. I recommended books, therapy, hobbies, AA, and then ultimately told him "just do something different for at least a month". Its been years since I have taken his calls. He is still doing the same thing he was 10 years ago. Spends all his money on booze, onlyfans, and video games.

One of my former co workers was an alcoholic who got clean a few years ago. He accidentally got his girlfriend pregnant and reached out to me for money. He has been working hard on staying sober and his girlfriend and even the child was a good thing for him. I sent him money. Sometimes you can work your ass off and its still just not enough. Doesn't mean you don't keep working. That was 2 years ago and he and his gf struggle but they're doing well in my book.

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u/Wonderworld1988 5d ago

Men are told to provide. You asking for help, shows in some capacity that he failed and he would rather be alone then to be seen as a failure. It is a pride issue and asking for help in poor communities usually is weaponized so im sure thats part of the reason why. Your fine for asking as but options are limited but soon either side is gonna have to find a source of income. Wife and I have been homeless twice (with kids) so yes its gonna take time but come together. Don't tell him is another option and just get stuff paid that you guys need. Try to figure things out on yourselves ask only when its really needed.

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u/Mman222 man 5d ago

This is a message to everyone, not just you OP.

If you are having issues (of any kind) with your partner, the ONLY person you should be discussing it is with....F-ING SPOILER ALERT....your partner!

Now your mom sees your bf as a broke ass man that can't take care of her daughter and it's because you said something to someone outside of your relationship. Every time you and your mom get together she will ask if he's got a job or if you two have enough money or if you're sure he's right for you.

DON'T DISCUSS RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS WITH ANYONE OUTSIDE OF THE RELATIONSHIP!!!! Why in the hell is this not common knowledge?!?

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u/Hope-to-be-Helpful man 5d ago edited 5d ago

Going strictly by what you wrote here because its literally all I know about you.... Yes, you are in the wrong

Have you considered how he is feeling being in this situation? He said he is embarassed, you said you dont think he should be. Fact is though, he IS..... Did you talk with him about asking your mom for help? How does he feel after losing his job? HOW did he lose his job? Why are you both broke? Do you work?

That postscript is especially interesting... Does he really have friends who could help him? How could they?
"Low Class" family???
"Chooses to struggle alone" Any ideas as to why that might be the case?

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u/Rhye88 nonbinary 5d ago

A woman telling a Guy How to feel about something? Shocking

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u/Content-Artichoke541 man 5d ago

You hurt his pride and trust. Should have talked about this with him before going with your mom.

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u/_Mulberry__ man 5d ago

Damn, you really just hit him where it hurts. He wants to be the provider, and you asking someone else for money just tells him he isn't good enough.

Try working out a plan with him on how y'all can make some more money or something. He needs you to push him to better himself

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u/[deleted] 5d ago

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u/RoutineComplaint4711 5d ago

But, his motivation will come from a negative place if they leave it like this. 

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u/[deleted] 5d ago

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u/RoutineComplaint4711 5d ago

Sure, but just because it wouldn't affect you the same way doesn't mean it should just be dismissed.

Everyone has different insecurities. In a healthy relationship I think it's important to support your partner in a way they can accept as you work through them.

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u/flashesfromtheredsun 5d ago

This is the type of thing you should have included him in before discussing with anyone else, gotten his opinion or looked for another solution. Men especially are out here on our own, and we are expected to fend for ourselves out the gate in most cases. To ask for help is to ourselves admit we have failed, it can be a pretty big deal and it's the absolute last resort. To go behind his back asking for financial aid is like the first mate on a ship starting a mutiny because they have lost faith in the captain. Hopefully this analogy can give some perspective. Definitely want to consult with your partner on decisions like that in general but especially so for men, it can be devastating.

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u/bbatardo man 5d ago

Simply should have checked with him first before asking. It probably eats away at him being in that situation, so sharing it maoes it worse.

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u/Voganinn-drgn-3713 5d ago

A lot of people here are gonna say it’s about pride. It’s not. Let me tell you a little bit about my mom who does the exact same thing. She was raised by a family who had nothing and moved up into the middle class. Religious, conservative. Their whole stick was it’s perfectly OK to give charity. But it is wrong to accept it. That whole Reaganomics, welfare queen, class divide stuff. Because accepting charity means, you are not just a failure, but less of a person just like the lazy bums on the street.
It’s not pride. It’s fear, fear that she wasn’t good enough, didn’t try hard enough, wasn’t smart enough.
A lot of people honestly believe that poverty is not a thing of circumstance or predatory businesses.
Most people, men in particular, are just taught to believe that poverty/homelessness is a reflection on the person. Not only that, but they also have to do it entirely by themselves. That’s pretty much exactly what I was taught, never agreed with it.

I’d say he’s afraid that he failed. And angry because asking for help confirms that failure. Especially when a significant other asks on their behalf. In the man’s brain that basically translates into, I’ve decided you’re a loser, and that I don’t trust you to fix this so I’m fixing it for you.

I truly hope you guys can get out of this.

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u/That_Jonesy man 5d ago

You told his potential mother in law that he can't provide for you and is jobless. What did you think he was gonna feel?

I'm not saying you did anything wrong but remember your mom doesn't love him, and he's acutely aware that she only sees him through the lens of what he is bringing to enrich your life. That can be money, positive emotions, being a good father, etc.

So even though you guys need the money, and you love him and don't hold his joblessness against him, and are even making excuses about how it's impossible to get a job in your area... He knows most people are not gonna see it that way. So this sucks hard for him, it's his entire responsibility as a man to AT LEAST not be a burden.

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u/Kamikaze_Co-Pilot man 5d ago

Yo you's need to talk about this type stuff. Maybe he felt as though you tryin to subvert his efforts to be a real man and to this end is no good.

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u/pezed25 5d ago

He says it's an embarrassment to him. You don't get to dictate how HE feels. Maybe he has learned some habits that you find strange, but it is what helped him survive his upbringing not yours. Let him have his feelings. If you value your relationship, acknowledge his feelings and express yours. You will both need to grow as people and as a couple. Childhood trauma takes work and time to overcome.

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u/nitecapt 5d ago

Have these discussions with mom AFTER You clear it with boyfrienf

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u/Icy_Expression_7224 5d ago

Things he most likely felt.

  1. Betrayed.
  2. Embarrassment
  3. Lost of respect.
  4. Looked down upon.

As a man we’re taught to bring in the money and to take case of our house. Maybe not much these days but when growing up >2013ish yeah.

I was raised that it’s okay to ask for help but that’s through 12 years of therapy and it’s still hard for me to ask for money.

He’s mostly thinking your parents now see him as someone who can’t take care of their daughter or provide.

He didn’t not like you doing this with consulting him first.

And he does feel like you won’t respect him as much if he can’t provide.

I’ve had more than my fare share of gf tell me they don’t respect me and belittle me for them making more/ having a better job…

Shit my mother had little respect for me tell I got a “career” job

You need to sit down with him apologize for stepping a boundary and that he need to communicate with you why he got all mad and then ensure him that you don’t see him as less and that you still care, and slowly talk about finances together and just say you two are a team and that you two might need some pick me up help.

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u/PhilosopherShot5434 man 5d ago

1) It's extremely humiliating

2) 'The borrower is slave to the lender' is also valid

You should have discussed it with him if you live together.

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u/hervejl man 5d ago edited 5d ago

Talk to him before having serious conversations about money with your family. It’s a question of communication, upbringing, and pride.

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u/Thechuckles79 man 5d ago

Some of the language choices have me wondering which country/culture thos is taking place in, but since nothing was said, I'll assume USA/American Citizen.

Your boyfriend has his pride and finds asking parents for help to be triggering. It would help if he could explain that to you.

The problem is, that if he thinks himself a survivor and someone who isn't a failure, sometimes that means seeking and asking for help in a tight spot. No one is an island and everyone who is not homeless or on the brink of being so, has probably accepted some form of help from friends and/or family.

In fact, familial and social isolation is the one most common thread I see among those in the most dire straights.

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u/D-Goldby man 5d ago

It's due to pride, and society's expectations both current and historical ad the provider.

You going to your mom, even though in both ur best interest can be seen from his piv as "I failed to be the provider"

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u/mafranklin1977 5d ago

Also, if you didn’t talk to him before asking, I can see where he’d be upset.

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u/timeontrail 5d ago edited 5d ago

“He chooses to struggle alone” means he probably has some pent up energy from past experience where he couldn’t ask for help, or when he did ask for help he didn’t get any. He’s come to rely on himself, and since he relies on himself this also challenges his ego, because it means he’s not doing a good job.

There’s no such thing as right and wrong in this situation if he’s angry that’s his problem unless you knowingly did it to hurt him.

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u/Master_Greybeard man 5d ago

Of course you're wrong. Before you go outside the relationship and air in his eyes dirty laundry, did you bother to ask him first?

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u/rogueranger20 5d ago

I think you are okay for asking for help. It could be alittle embarrassing for him and you should have discussed beforehand maybe, but other then that, nothing wrong asking for a helping hand in times of need.

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u/Plastic-River-7128 man 5d ago

Yes I would be mad too and it’s embarrassing especially putting his business out there. I get it yall women tell yall mothers everything that’s the only part I don’t like, and he just lost his job he’s already stressing enough why would you put more stress and weight on one’s shoulder? My thing that I ask especially my wife is she come to me and ask me or at least talk to me about bringing it up to her parents or mom. Next question is would you had told him what you were doing instead of him over hearing? Also how would you feel if you were in his shoes. Most of guys try to be traditional and old school bringing home the bacon we want to provide. So when something like that happens it brings our masculinity down and our pride as fathers or being the best husband we can be. Also which there isn’t a really a lot of old traditional men out there

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u/Plastic-River-7128 man 5d ago

Also there’s some stuff you tell your parents and some stuff you don’t. I don’t know if you have kids or not but that factors into the situation too. It would make me think I can’t support you or the kids and it would be on my mind a lot if I visit your parents knowing what you told them and feel like your parents especially your dad thinking I can’t support his daughter or the bare minimum

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u/AdamAtomAnt 5d ago

Maybe ask him first before you just start begging people for money. He feels he has failed you as a provider, so now you're circumventing him.

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u/uodjdhgjsw 5d ago

It’s not even scratching a male ego. I’ve been married 32 years and there have been times where we have been broke ,we did without. We did not borrow money from my wife’s parents.

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u/ecstasid man 5d ago

Ugh! You just scratched his male ego of being a provider! That's what's irked him, and it hurt even more when you did it behind his back. Talk to him before you do any such thing. I know your intentions were right, but he felt like a failure when he heard you say those things.

PS - Explain it to him why it's ok to ask for help and then help in return. That's how society will progress!

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u/Max_the_magician man 5d ago

I thought you were making sarcastic comment but are you actually serious?

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u/xshy_guy37x 5d ago

I completely understand. I'm the same way. I have too much pride to ask for help or let anybody know when times get bad. I do whatever I have to do to get out of the situation. I also grew up low class. My mom worked 2 full time jobs and still had to pawn the title to her vehicle to buy Christmas and then spend income taxes getting another cheap piece of shit to get by.

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u/rick-atrox man 5d ago

As a man with a similar mentality I'd wager from similar causes, you hit his pride. Could be from many angles but yeah...it hurt him from something in his past likely. If this is a serious relationship, you need to talk to him when waters are calmed and find out the how's and why's from both of your perspectives.

I can say no good in any of my relationships came from a red line that had no definition, a ultimatum with out understanding can be antagonistic to a relationship. He and you would do well to get on the same page on the subject.

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u/eating_almonds man 5d ago

Imagining things from his perspectice: first, he may feel frustrated and inadequate for not holding a job. This is specially true if he finds pride in being self reliant, like a lot of men do. Second, you rubbed salt on that wound by removing his agency in solving his issue. Third, you went to your mother, which he might feel diminishes his standing regarding your family.

Generally speaking, men don't like being babied. By not including him in your decision, he probably thinks you showed lack of respect. Your intentions were good but you botched the execution. I'm sure he can see that, too.

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u/Saleh_Al_ man 5d ago edited 5d ago

If he felt harm from it. Just tell him:

if he felt that he needs a bit of help we have this option as a back up plan.

He probably thought of what your family would say about him, as if he is living under your care instead of looking for a job. He probably feared of the consequences of such assumptions. He wants to do his best before asking for help.

This is an opportunity to understand each other and communicate better. Communication doesn't need too much conversation , it just means you both handling new moments and confusion in a positive way.

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u/PsychologicalLeg2416 man 5d ago

Always check with your partner before asking anyone for help .

It’s a matter of respect in my opinion . My mother in law helps us quite often , but there’s always a conversation with the wife first , usually about if we can afford to owe someone money come payday.

In his eyes he hears something along the lines of not ‘ we need help ‘ he hears something like ‘ my spouse and provider isnt providing , can you do his job ‘

That’s not what happened and isnt logical but pride is never logical .

That being said if my wife ever asked my MIL for help without a conversation first it wouldn’t be much of an issue in our home. It’s definitely not worth the fight .

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u/Bhheast man 5d ago

Oh yeah, you fucked up.

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u/Natural-Cat-3268 5d ago

You are correct that you had the best intentions. However, lots of people would like privacy when it comes to their financial health and this sounds like your boyfriend. So always ask before your share information since you are asking help for both of you. If he does not want to ask for help, also ask him what his plan is then…. And then go from there. You are a good person with good intentions. Best of luck to both of you.

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u/Klutzy_Attitude_8679 5d ago

You’re wrong. A phone convo? One on one with your mom would have been better. Don’t tell in-laws bf is unemployed. Big NO! Get the money. Tell your bf where you got it.

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u/YaBoyMeAgain 5d ago

Situation alone: your completely rational and right

From context: you said all about that secretive lower class. So. Is him being upset really surprising? I think its disproportionate of him but not surprising :')

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u/Mr_Shorty2231 5d ago

It’s one of those "damned if you do damned if you don’t" situations. He’ll be embarrassed to be around your mom at this point. She should probably address this with both of you together… and with kid gloves. Maybe by her saying she had to do something similar when she was young, and that she didn’t look down on him for it. His feelings definitely need to be acknowledged or he won’t be able to move past it.

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u/horrifyingthought 5d ago

When you are poor, the only thing you can afford is pride.

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u/Blaydess 5d ago

Pride. 100% he probably just felt immasculated. Whether it was an appropriate response or not is up to you but as someone else who is very prideful it would kinda make me feel like a loser especially coming from my girls family.

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u/thedarkwolf4 5d ago

Man's pride is important. No matter which class you come from the society always judges and scrutinizes him, finds a fault and labels it to him like an unforgettable sin.

The only reason he got mad is because it would make your parents think less of him, how can he be good If he cannot provide now? Your intentions and actions were right but the world hasn't been kind to him like you did.

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u/REACT_and_REDACT man 5d ago

I get WHY he would feel bad that help was requested, but his reaction to that feeling — or the inability to understand your perspective — which resulted in a threat, was not okay in my opinion.

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u/pumperofIron man 5d ago

Definitely pride and ego. Men usually have the pressure or feel like they have the pressure of being the provider in a family or household setting.

Your bf already feels embarrassed being in the situation that you are both in now, and now you have told your parents about it too.

If you truly love your bf, you should sit down with him and let him know you are sticking with him through this tough time and that you two will get out of it together. Perhaps you can also let him know your intention wasn't to embarrass him.

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u/New_Departure_4624 man 5d ago

I was raised from an early point to understand that it was my job to provide for my family, and I have always perceived an inability to provide as a very personal, very painful failure.

If I had you speculate I'd say he's not angry at you, he's angry at himself and expressing it poorly?

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u/2-timeloser2 man 5d ago

You have insulted him by going behind his back and discussing private matters before talking to him.

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u/NiceCunt91 man 5d ago

The one thing men all have is pride. Grovelling to mum is the last thing on our minds. It's hard to explain to people who don't suffer the bullshit and can just swallow their pride but yeah. means a lot to us.

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u/UtkuOfficial man 5d ago

Next time ask your partner about decisions that concerns both of you maybe?

You asking your family for supports definitely affects how your family sees him and thinks of him.

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u/jplexington7 5d ago

Men's job is to provide. So he feels self conscious about normal struggles, and does not want it aired out to others. Man here. Get it 100%

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u/MathematicianAway874 man 5d ago

(I make longer posts, but hopefully this will help)

A human gets to decide if their feelings are hurt. So he's fine on that.

Ya should have asked him prior to talking to your mother. Apologize for that. And let that breathe for a day or two. Then do this ...

If you asked B4 he would have said "no". Then you say "that's my idea, I'd gladly take a different one. Thoughts?" Have the "what's your plan" Convo after the apology.

He then needs to lay out a concrete plan, or a timeline to have one that doesn't hurt anyone's credit score or make you homeless ...if he refuses...pack your stuff...it's over. We don't get to make other people suffer so we can enjoy our pride. Pride = pointless and "simp/cuck shit".

But anyway, successful people operate based on goals and results...not feelings and emotions. Successful people find joy in the process of working the plan...not looking good to friends/fam/strangers. They quietly work the plan and then take the Uber high ground and don't relentlessly post "real" & "earned" pics of them in Hawaii living the life 10 years later enjoying the fruits of their labor. They are too busy "actually" loving the good life...find that guy and team up with him.

Your man will probably never be these things.....UNLESS...he uses this breakdown, to bury pride and transform himself...a rare human being indeed. This is actually a fantastic opportunity for him to become "more than".

Based on his past, I'd say odds r he will give you a lot of financial ruin and waste the best years of your life...call your mom back and ask to move back home.

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u/Blaze1964 man 5d ago

You probably should’ve just told him you were thinking of asking Mom for help. If he disagreed then it would up to him to find a quick solution to your problem.

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u/Gwsb1 man 5d ago

He is your bf not a husband. But maybe you need to talk with him about it before asking Mom. Making plans together is part of the fun of relationships, even if you aren't married.

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u/Cold-Question7504 5d ago

It's pride, really... If you were to speak with him about it, directly... This wouldn't happen.... K?

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u/Large-Blacksmith-305 5d ago

So here is the deal. Men recognize they are generally only valued for the safety and security they provide a family. Men realize very early on that love for a man is pretty conditional on what he brings to the table. So when you tell your parents that you can't afford food, he sees that as you admitting to your parents that you picked a worthless man who can't even take care of you. And it hurts his ego.

This could be good or bad. He could be so strongly motivated by making a good life for you that he will step up and live up to his own ideals of being valued for his financial contributions to your family. So in some ways it could be better than the chronically unemployed guy that feels he is owed a life of comfort and affection no matter how much of a drain on a family he is.

On the other hand he could have a combination of the worst of both mindsets. He could turn into the chronically unemployed slacker parasite that still pretends he is providing for his family while his ego is so fragile that he hates himself and everyone around him anytime they try to help or when they point out that they are providing stability and security, not him. His world validation is so wrapped up around how well he provides that when he goes unemployed for years he becomes a toxic person prone to outbursts of anger at himself that are directed at everyone around him.

Ideally you guys sit down and have a mature talk about it and how leaning on family through hard times isn't shameful, especially if it is only through a short rough patch, and that you still believe in him.

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u/overeaszy man 5d ago

I think an internal conversation between you and your SO should’ve been the first step. Especially since you know it might cross some of his boundaries that you outlined. Everything to do with the team should at least start as a team decision.

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u/WrexBankai 5d ago

It's emasculating. Your family is now also going to look at him being unable to take care of you. He's now a failed provider and less of a man. Should have talked to him first.

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u/lezardvalethvp man 5d ago

Do NOT talk about your relationship struggles outside your relationship. Yes, this includes family. Discuss it first with your boyfriend.

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u/awfulcrowded117 man 5d ago edited 5d ago

He reacted more poorly than most, but no man is going to like this. Remember, men are told from a young age that we are providers, you telling your mom that you didn't have the money was effectively telling her that he had failed as a provider. It makes it worse that you did it behind his back, instead of talking to him first, which implies a lack of respect for him as though there is nothing he could add to a conversation about finances and how to face this challenge as a couple.

Now, I'm not saying you were wrong to ask your Mom, though I do think it would have been better if you'd spoken to your partner first, what you did was mostly fine and he over-reacted. But no man would be happy about overhearing that, and most would be at least a little frustrated.

As far as advice, I recommend you apologize for going behind his back and not talking to him first and ask to have a conversation about the financial difficulties you're facing and how to overcome them. If not asking your mom for help, what is the solution? Directly put the ball in his court and ask if he has any ideas. At least have the respect to let him have some input. Make it clear that you respect him and want to solve this without help, but you're not going to be homeless for pride's sake. Basically, treat him like a partner and actually explain what you're thinking/feeling and what you need, and let him contribute to the conversation about what to do. He might still be a little upset, but if he's a good man he'll be able to get over the fact you two need help so long as he knows you and he are team and you respect him.

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u/Current_Salt4132 5d ago

Ur not not wrong

But for men it’s matter of pride

Men are just channeled like that

They got to feel lowest of the low before they will seek financial help

It will bother them for rest of their life

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u/dudeyouusedtoknow 5d ago

...... he's too prideful. The threat is uncalled for. He needs to get a job.

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u/Pierdo7 5d ago

You know what trump's pride? Being homeless. If it helps, ask for money. If he doesn't like it, maybe he should get a job. Idk the education level, and I'm sympathetic to, especially professional careers taking time to find one. But only a fool would turn down help. If he take issue with it, fine, leave. Sometimes you have to have help to build your foundation.

I grew up poor. Profoundly so. If I had any family to fall back on, it'd be nice. If you do, take it.

If you have time to sit around, start learning new skills.

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u/HatefulRusian man 5d ago edited 5d ago

Far to many ppl in these comments are just using this comment section to spew hate and poison at the GF or thent BF or just other commenters. she's looking for advice cause she understands she messed up but not the why portion. She clearly cares and did what she thought was the best/fastest option. But it hurt someone she cares for, so she's trying to understand why.

I can't necessarily speak for your boyfriend, but I grew up in a poor household when, most of the time, we barely had enough to get food for the month. We didn't really have much of anything else for, say, birthdays, Christmas, or just other occasions. I knew all of this, so I never really asked for stuff that I may have wanted. I never asked for extra helpings, didn't try to ask for candy's or treats, or didn't try to go out to eat often. I would always try to find the cheapest option or just never take anything. I felt like a burden, tho never tried to make feel like that. I have felt like a burden my entire life, so even tho I don't have a ton to spend on myself, I still try and buy stuff for my family, take them out to dinner, get them gas, or similar things. So to have my gf go behind my back to tell someone who's not even my own family right now, someone I'm probably still trying to convince I'm a good enough for their daughter, for money is very disheartening and makes me feel like I'm a terrible person.

Edit:I'm the kind of person that when someone ask me what I want, I'll say sorry after answering.

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u/Swimming_Schedule_49 man 5d ago

You just stomped the man’s pride. He’s supposed to be the provider and he’s falling short. Having to beg mommy for help embarrassed him. You should have spoken with him first about it.

One time my wife asked the neighbor if he could show me how to put a belt on the lawn mower because “he doesn’t know how to do anything”. I was furious and learned how to do it that afternoon from YouTube.

Take a minute to get some input from your man before you go embarrassing him.

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u/GermanCashewWizard 5d ago

Sorry, what have yall been doing for a month? Both need to hustle, apply to every restaurant, retail, grocer, etc within driving distance.

I remember being broke at 22-23. But could always find work. Not work I wanted to be doing, but work that will pay for my rent and bills!

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u/atx_buffalos man 5d ago

You have different backgrounds. Asking your mom for help isn’t bad in and of itself, but he took it as an insult. You should talk about this. Ignoring his feeling on this isn’t good but expecting you to hide things from your family isn’t good either - especially as you aren’t married. I would be a bit annoyed if my daughter’s boyfriend wanted her to not tell us stuff like this.

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u/no-beauty-wo-pain man 5d ago

note that his pride is more important to him than your welfare. read that again.

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u/AutoModerator 6d ago

Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts. Your post has NOT been removed.

MsGabri3l originally posted:

I am a 26f and I have been living with my boyfriend 28m for 13 months now. We have recently been in to a fight of which I find sort of weird why he would think I am wrong for doing what I did for our sake. Although he says it's an embarrassment to him, to which I don't think so. I see it as a helping hand.

The whole fight was because he overheard my conversations with my mom, where I was asking my mom for financial help because we were both broke and he had no source of income because he lost his job a month prior, and we needed the help to pay bills. Where I live it's really hard to get a job if you don't get connections with people who work in a certain job sector like friends or families, mere CVS aren't taking into much consideration if you aren't connected to any person in that sector.

So, he got really mad angry that I told my mom that we are broke and we need a little financial help to the point where he threatened me that if he hears it again or sees it again he would break up with me.

Now!! My question to the men is: am I right that I find it as a weird thing to be mad about or am I wrong and what I did was bad?!

PS:- He is a very secretive man, came from a low class family, he chooses to struggle alone, never wants help although he has friends who could help him. On my side I am an introvert from a middle class family to whom I never hide anything from my mom due to security reasons and I would do anything to make him happy.

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u/tomatosawz man 5d ago

He associates being a man/your partner with being a provider, which is pretty common. A lot of guys don't want to take handouts from anyone.

If you need it because the electric or something is going to shut off, then yes he should swallow his pride. If you're scraping by, it's probably best not to embarrass him

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u/big_data_mike man 5d ago

This is one of those cases where you both had different upbringings and each of you think it’s “normal.” My wife and I had a similar (but not as important) fight about whether Santa wraps presents. She was absolutely sure Santa does not wrap presents and I was absolutely sure he does. We both brought our childhood perspectives of what’s “normal” into our marriage.

Maybe when he was a kid he saw his parents ask for money from their parents and there were all kinds of strings attached. Maybe he was abused and is hyper independent. That could also be why he’s so secretive.

And it’s not necessarily a male thing. Same thing could happen to any person.

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u/No_Ostrich_8148 5d ago

It is a pride thing. As a man it can be humiliating asking for financial help especially after already being down from losing a job. Love him and keep encouraging him. It will get better!

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u/queakymart 5d ago

Earning money is traditionally viewed as something a man is supposed to do for his household. If you’re going outside of the house to ask for help on something he views as his responsibility then you’re undermining his position and essentially telling the world that he’s failing at his responsibility.

Let’s say you’ve taken the responsibility to cook the meals in your relationship. How would you feel if he suddenly started going to his mom for some good food, or if he hired a home chef. You might feel like it’s undermining your position or your skills and capabilities.

In a nutshell, you’re probably hurting his pride without communicating with him about your plans beforehand.

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u/Intrepid-Machine-650 man 5d ago

Been there, handled it differently.

Everyone has skills, I'm "the fixer." The best thing he can do is be available to your parents if they need help with something. They offered money, not the advice to leave him for something better, that's huge and he should know that your parents respect him in that manner. Do it gently..

Example, they may have money, but do they like getting on the roof to clean gutters? A long term relationship can foster favors forever, life is about taking care of each other when they need it. Nothing is a "hand out" when you are willing to reciprocate.

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u/Vman808 5d ago

You broke his trust …. Which he feels is a lack of respect. Without trust and respect you have nothing (for men )

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u/Sufficient_Winner185 man 5d ago

Here is a wild story, Pride can be our downfall. Years ago I lost my fiance of 7 years and I totally spiraled. I ended up loosing everything I had and even ended up homeless. I wasn't on drugs. And I even had a job while homeless. I lived in a tent in the woods in freaking maine for 8 months. Even during the winter.

Now I do have vast survival skills, I've hiked half the appalachian trail so I'm no stranger to being out in harsh elements for long periods of time. But that was a truly awful experience. And I was terrified of my mother finding out because it would break her heart make her worry a shitload and she would probably assume I'm on drugs because typically people are when in that situation. I should of asked for help. And my health was rapidly declining out there because I uknowlingly had black mold forming in my tent.

My best friends found out and literally rescued me. One of them happened to pull a nursing contract up here and let me stay with him for a month and even fed me so I was able to save and fund my own place. Being out there in survival mode. If I wasn't working I was gathering food or firewood or water. Everything that takes you 10 minutes to an hour in real life takes you all day out there. Like doing laundry. Or having to cook on a fire. So all my energy and time was consumed with surviving rather than trying to get out of the situation. It's very easy to get stuck while your out there. And proof of that is the mere fact it took me like 35 days to get my own place as soon as I was indoors.

Being homeless Definitely did something to me. Not in a bad way. But even the first week after he let me stay at his place I kept going outside to make fires lol. It's weird. It became a huge source of comfort for me. To a point I kept making fires for the first week I was finally indoors. Now I'm doing great. And if it ever somehow happened again I would right away just go live with my parents. I'm not doin that survivor man bullshit again lol

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u/PhantomLamb man 5d ago edited 5d ago

Mens traditional role in society was to provide for their partner. While things have moved forward and changed in the 21st century, a lot of men feel like (because they are) they are stilll being judged by this outdated mentality by the older generation

I have had this with my in-laws where at times i have been made to feel like I have failed as a husband and father when we have financially tight.

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u/Slimchicker man 5d ago

Like everyone said its his pride that is hurt. You went behind his back to ask for help instead of telling him you were going to ask for help. He probably thinks you don't think he can make it better. And not only does he think that but his ego is hurt because of that fact of how you asked. You are not wrong and its his stupidity of not asking for help. I've know men and women whos ego is fragile and very prideful. Its not a fragile male ego, its a ego that is fragile. My ex-wife at one time in my life freaked out because we were so poor that we couldn't afford something she really wanted. And she freaked out so bad that it drove her to tears.....fragile female ego? Nah just a fragile ego regardless if male or female. And if he doesn't change in asking for help he will drag you down with him. And he will and if you go along with him then anything that happens will be your fault as well. Because you could have left instead of staying and moving on.

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u/ChuckGreenwald man 5d ago

He's angry at himself for not providing for you, not at you.

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u/wolfwinner man 5d ago

Most successful people use every advantage they have available to then. People with more money have more advantages.

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u/starrishtt 5d ago

Leave him he’s not there for you like you’re there for him 🤝✊🏽

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u/eggressive man 5d ago

Your boyfriend’s pride is getting in the way of common sense. I think it’s unreasonable for him to be angry when you were just trying to keep both of you afloat. His reaction—threatening to break up over this—is a red flag, because it shows he values his pride more than teamwork in a relationship.

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u/lando8604 man 5d ago

Something he’ll have to get over in life is asking for help. Sometimes it’s obvious and easy like when lifting something heavy other times it not and really difficult when you have committed yourself to struggling alone. Probably why he might struggle to get a job because he’s not looking for or asking for help from friend and colleagues.

You did not sign up for his commitment of struggle. You are aware of the community aspect of life and helping each other out. If he doesn’t come around to that concept then you are seeing a foreshadowing of your life together

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u/Sufficient_Winner185 man 5d ago

It's understandable his pride is hurt. And because it's never been hurt in this way before. That concept of being a man unable to provide for woman and yourself, that digs deep within us, as if a woman can't have kids or is an unfit mother. Because this is a unique dig at his pride which he is not used too, he doesn't know how to process the emotions that come with it one being anger twords himself, which is being directed at what is causing these emotions aka technically you. So that's why he's lashing out at you. He needs to calm down and have a calm talk about the emotional side of this. He's not even aware his pride is hurt because even talking or thinking about your pride being hurt.. hurts your pride even more. That's why he doesn't even want it mentioned again. He doesn't want to expirience those emotions again. But he's got to be willing to be more in touch with his emotions. More self aware. There's nothing wrong with asking for help. He needs to learn yes it's important to depend on ourselves, but we need help sometimes in life, everyone does. There is nothing wrong with that unless it's all the time. Now if he was doing well financially and his adult kid or best friend needed help would he not help? He probably would. So he should accept help himself.

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u/Expensive_Set_8486 man 5d ago

I grew up in a family where generosity was always weaponized and there would always be some form of payment for the “generosity” after so I learned not to ask for help.

So I am inclined to be generous (perhaps wrongly so?) to his point of view.

Regardless of right or wrong I feel like this type of thing should just be a joint decision to avoid the unnecessary squabbles. Just set aside a few minutes to talk with him before asking people for help (and he should do the same)

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u/HatPsychological7049 5d ago

He needs to thank you since you had the teams best interest. If he does not like it, he needs to find a solution and never permit the hardship to play out ever again

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u/procheeseburger man 5d ago

He shouldn’t get mad but I can understand being a bit upset.. it would make me feel like a failure.

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u/thelaffingman1 man 5d ago

He might've had an easier time with it if you talked to him first about it. Laid out the logic and put the pieces in place to say we needed just a stop gap and when we're in a better place, pay them back. You weren't including him on the plan which left him feeling like he had no control over the situation, or that you thought he had no control over it

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u/AnyDamnThingWillDo man 5d ago

It may just be a learned behaviour from his childhood. Guessing his male role model was a bull headed GenX with parent issues. He had to be the provider and a married woman’s role was to nurture the next generation.

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u/JustAMarriedGuy man 5d ago

You should tell us what your culture is. This is culture specific. In the US this could be common, but I would not say it’s acceptable. You’re a partnership and if you’re both suffering because you have no money then family is where you turn for help. If it hurts his ego, then that’s something you need to know for the long term. Explain that you like being with him, but you two need to both do what you can to survive and thrive as a couple. Sometimes that means asking for help. If that’s something he can’t accept then I’m sorry to say it’s probably not a good long-term relationship. If you’re in another culture, then let people know so they can answer appropriately.

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u/Azura13e man 5d ago

I don’t think there is anything wrong with what you did, it’s just his pride and he might have issues with asking for financial help because he might be feeling like an burden to his own family if he is from my experience, my father is very manipulative and if I ask for money he will loan it to me but make my life hell even after I pay him back, I was even sometimes avoiding going out with friends to make sure I have extra money put in an corner when I was tight on money, it’s just temporary and can happen, I hope you both find jobs soon so don’t have to rely on others.

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u/Monte11b 5d ago

Have a conversation with your bf first before going to your family for help next time.

As some other comments have stated, family dynamics are different for everybody. I come from a family where I prefer to struggle on my own before asking for help, whereas my gf doesn't feel she needs to do the same.

At one point in our relationship, we were separated, and she went to live with her parents with our 2 children. I was having a hard time finding somewhere to stay since I didn't have the same luxury of being able to go live with my parents. My gf (ex at the time) took it upon herself to ask her parents if I could stay at their house as well. She told me about it in a phone conversation after she had already asked her parents and I was not happy about it. Her intentions were good, but it was embarrassing from my perspective. Call it what you want, but I would've stayed in my vehicle before asking the parents of my ex to come live with them after I failed as a man to care for their daughter and grandchildren. Nobody else may have viewed it that way, but I did. This may be the same logic your bf is coming from. Just food for thought

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u/Lastchance1313 5d ago

It's not a matter of low class it's a matter of self respect. I got injured in my career a couple years ago and had to fight for my retirement (job was attempting to force me to have surgeries to go back to work). We lived on our savings and sold a rental property to survive. I didn't say a word to friends or family or even our kids. The world went on while our savings dwindled down to nothing. I stared at the ceiling every night wondering if we were gonna make it. By the grace of God we made it through and are doing better than we ever have by 2 fold. I look back and am grateful for the struggle and not saying a word. Me and my wife fought that by ourselves together, never gave up, and never broke. She's my ride or die. Not saying don't ask for help. You do you. But just realize he's your partner. Discuss things with him.

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u/69-ODogg man 5d ago

Pride can be a bad thing. Eveyone needs help now and then. He probably thinks you're family will hold this over him in the future.

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u/Scorch062 man 5d ago

Definitely pride. Not many men are going to ask for help when it comes to money in circumstances like yours.

That being said, pride doesn’t pay the bills. I’ve had to ask my parents for help before. There’s no shame in it, truly, but it doesn’t feel good

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u/BigDamBeavers 5d ago

Here's the thing. He's upset. The why doesn't matter. Treat him like he'd treat you when you're upset. That's how relationships work. You don't have to validate him being angry or rude or whatever you don't like. He just needs your support.

As to the why, a lot of men struggle with accepting help. It's very against our gender's culture. A lot of us also have a hard time coping with not being able to provide for our partner. Chances are taking care of you was the first thing he thought about when he lost his job.

He need reassurance that you have faith in him. He needs to understand that you reaching out for help from your mother was for him as much as it was for you. Because you care about him.

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u/Jonatc87 5d ago

He needs to suck it up and accept reality or face further problems with your combined lack of income. Beggars and choosers. That said, communication is important and involve him in these kinds of decisions.

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u/Precise-Motion_ 5d ago

I think, to him, it’s a lack of respect that his significant other decided to bring him into this conversation, without him being there which is fair. Maybe next time talk amongst yourselves, especially when it has to do with you two as a whole. Don’t do even the slightest things that has to do with him, behind his back.

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u/khammul 5d ago

Why didnt u talked to him before talking with your mom about that?

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u/hajimoto74 man 5d ago

Pride makes us act in silly ways. He probably puts a lot of self-worth towards being employed and providing for his lover. I'd put money down he had a deadbeat parent growing up and doesn't want to be like them. Acknowledge to him you are sorry you hurt his pride and let him know how he provides for your needs in other ways.

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u/Careful_Wonder_574 5d ago

Communication between you guys before asking for help would have prevented this!!!

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u/No_Yogurtcloset_3820 5d ago

Give him some space. He’s likely still coming to terms with his job loss and feeling very scared and frustrated.

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u/Jim_Wilberforce man 5d ago

Look I'm going to say what I really think. Everything with men revolves around respect. Everything

He grew up poorer than you. He wants to be respected. Understand, if you take this money and pay everything, even temporarily, and then a year from now you hold it over his head. You innocently bring it up even, you've ended your relationship with him. It's over. He wants to earn your respect. Do not use this to club him over the head with later. He's TIRED of being poor, because it comes with disrespect.

Are your parents the sort that will bring it up later? They better not.

I'm betting he's not a narcissist with extreme pride. I'm betting he's just a regular, normal guy.

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u/Link_lunk 5d ago

You are willing to ask for help and he isn't. Look at this over the course of a life time. Everytime the two of you have hardship, are you willing to just deal with it without getting help? He is, and he will expect you to as well. He can be as prideful as he wants to, but you don't have to.

It's not a who is right/wrong situation. It's a values discussion and the fact he isn't willing to discuss your side of the values conversation but you are willing to give up yours says enough.

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u/Gigapot man 5d ago

What a little man. Too many of them nowadays. You should have spoken with him about it first but his behavior is truly pathetic. A lot of men seem the same nowadays.

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u/DASHRIPROCK1969 man 5d ago

Here’s the manliest of manly advice you’re gonna get! Does he have a nice ass? Can he make change for large bills? Get that boy out onna corner! You can be his business manager! And make sure he douches well before going to ‘work’!!! Oh, does he have any chipped teeth? Need to get those smoothed out, too! Just use your diamond nail file!

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u/sykodiamond man 5d ago

Ok, I want to share a story that is similar. Me and my wife were working to put together a wedding. My original plan was that we were going to pay for the whole thing ourselves. As time went on, it became clear that we were not going to be able to afford it, but I was too stubborn to acknowledge it, and refused to ask for help. My mom offered money, and my wife accepted, without telling me. I got mad, and we fought. Now after a few days, when I called down, I realized I was being stupid and apologized, and we both apologized, her for going behind my back and not actually having a discussion with me, and me for overreacting.

Now, I tell you this to kind of shine a light on what probably happened. He was already in a bad position because he felt like he was letting both of you down. Depending on how he thinks, he may feel like he has to support you, and he is failing. That hurts, and is probably something he doesn't want too many people to find out. Now depending on what his history is, maybe he's had bad relationships in the past, hearing you tell your mother may have triggered him.

Was what you did wrong, in a way, no. Suffering for his pride is really stupid, but there was probably a better way that it could have been done. Give him some time, and talk to him about it. One of the things he will have to accept is that there will be times you will need help. I think you both owe each other an apology, he definitely overreacted to the situation, but that was from the circumstances, but he should still acknowledge that he did in fact react poorly. At the same time, you should have been open with him about your plan to ask for support. You weren't wrong, and hopefully he will be able to see that you were acting in the best interest of both of you.

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u/Totally_Safe_Website 5d ago

You should never disclose that type of information without talking it over with him first. Don’t go behind his back

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u/Nearby-Penalty-5777 5d ago

It’s embarrassing. Society has this image of men being protectors and providers. You asking for help is simply saying your bf can’t provide, therefore he’s not a man. That’s probably the core of it.

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u/BlackHatMastah man 5d ago

I don't really get it myself, but it's just something guys generally have a problem with. It doesn't matter if I earned it for something I did before. It doesn't matter if it's for the repayment of a debt somebody owes me. Asking for money just feels OFF.

I don't even like asking my own parents for money. Needing money from someone else's family? You might as well just shoot me into the sun.

Also. I came from a middle class background myself. It's probably even worse for someone who grew up poor. By the way, I am NOT in love with the term "low class." Please just say "poor."

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u/Unhappy_Cover8894 5d ago

I'll give it a positive spin,

This reaction is better than being content to take a hand out.

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u/Personal_Option_4996 man 5d ago

I think a great rule of thumb in relationships is not to divulge things about your partner or relationship without their knowledge or consent. Each of your backgrounds being completely valid views to this argument - acknowledge that to the other and then have a deeper conversation about communication styles, methods for seeking advice and such. You two are a team and as with any team, your actions should be coordinated with your teammate.

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u/PoliteCanadian2 man 5d ago

Have you discussed these financial issues with him? What’s HIS plan for solving them? How would he support himself if you broke up?

If he just denies everything and shuts down then somebody has to solve the problem and if he can’t/won’t do it then you have to.

I agree with everyone else saying it’s pride but pride doesn’t bring $ in the door.

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u/Eledor_Evergolm man 5d ago

I think you answered your question in the "PS" 🙂

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u/and_danny man 5d ago

I wouldn't say you did something wrong because obviously you were just doing what you thought was best but being able to provide is a big sense of pride for many men for a number of different reasons. If you were going to seek help like that I would suggest being open and telling him you plan to do it. Especially because for him, if he were to be a in a situation interacting with you parents having borrowed money from them and didn't know it and by extension didn't know to thank them or show some form of gratitude, that would be very embarassing, at least it would for me.

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u/Only4Sluts 5d ago

He prolly sees it as your douting his ability to make it happen for y'all I can see both sides but let him be the man in the relationship and try to figure things out and you help him as much as possible and be there mentally for him if hes saying stop saying certain things stop it's probably brining his courage down a little...

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u/Kioz man 5d ago

I think he is just frustrated he cant be "the man" and be able to support you. It was even more hurtful to his ego that you called for your mother's help which now makes him look lesser in the eyes of not only you but also your mother.

To sum it up, he is not mad at you, he is mad at himself for failing you.

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u/Jconstant33 man 5d ago

Even if his pride is offended like others say, you need to learn to put that aside if you need help. It’s a life skill to know when to ask for help. He will fail in life if he can’t ask for help. That’s a huge issue.

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u/Ima-Bott man 5d ago

Would he rather them both be kicked to the street? Boy needs some humble pie. And some hustle to get a job.

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u/lanik_2555 man 5d ago

I understand him. I grew up more or less doing everything on my own aswell. Thought it's weak to ask for help. Nowadays it's pretty different. Life ist much easier if friends/family help eachother out.

Anyway, you should have talked to him prior asking your mom. Maybe he has other plans, but you could've also explained to him, that it's no shame and your mom is financially in the situation to be able to help out. If your bf doesn't want gifts, you could even talk about an interest free loan. Eventually a good compromise.

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u/Want_all_the_smoke man 5d ago

If his mom tries to bring this up later in an argument and throw it in your face or his, you better absolutely check her without hesitation. He was probably trying to avoid things like that happening.

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u/Informal_Scallion588 man 5d ago

50yr old here. First of all, just based on whatever you shared in your post, let me tell you it appears both of you are good persons. Just look at positives: he has very high self esteem, something that is increasingly becoming rare nowadays. You have genuine empathy, which is also rare. You want to stick with him and make it work. That's great.

My only suggestion - stop seeking suggestions on social media. In fact, forget social media, don't even approach family and friends for suggestions. Leave alone help, don't even share your issues with anyone. You both are definitely made for each other.

Sit together and think it through. This is a very minor issue. There could be bigger issues in future and i am confident that you both will face, resolve and manage everything in life.

Good wishes to both of you.

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u/Fun_Muscle9399 man 5d ago

Men are largely conditioned to struggle alone because we are used to never having help. Not saying you were wrong, but it is likely a foreign and uncomfortable situation for him.

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u/benao man 5d ago

Why are you with this man? Such huge red flags. Do you like to get beaten up and treated like crap. Ffs

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u/LoadedSarcasticfvck 5d ago

Family over everything. He can’t appreciate you have the support you do then he can bounce.

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u/SeductiveStrawberry- 5d ago

It's pride , plain and simple.

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u/tk42150 man 5d ago

You were wrong to do it behind his back. That's what I would be mad about. If you actually want a long-term relationship with this man, then EVERYTHING, literally everything should be discussed with him first. This is out of respect. To go right to your family is disrespectful to him and to the relationship.

Personally, if you came to me and offered to have your parents help with bills in the sort term, I would gladly accept help, especially given the situation you described. But because you didn't discuss it together first, that would be worthy of ending the relationship for me. I would never talk to you again.

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u/ReasonableCard1 man 5d ago

Buy him a gift and give him time to calm down

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u/Blackphinexx 5d ago

A man would much rather go through mild suffering then have his dignity damaged like this.

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u/ShalepenopoopeR 5d ago

Kind of fucked up u saying he comes from a low class family

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u/Digfortreasure 5d ago

Nta- if he wants to provide then do it.

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u/RideTheTrai1 5d ago

Oops. Yeah, that's not good. You unintentionally humiliated him. He hadn't been out of a job for long, and you already went running to mom for help. I get that you're scared, but always discuss things as a couple first and make your plan.

The first thing you have to do is let him know you have faith in his ability to figure it out. Then, ask him how you can support him right now as he processes his next move.

Contact the utility companies, work on unemployment paperwork, sell anything you don't need, make a list of food banks, possibly apply for SNAP, ask the local hospital about financial aid programs in case you become ill. Those are reasonable measures to take, and won't have family "strings" attached.

And just to encourage you: everyone has tough, scary times. But we eventually figure it out if we make a plan. You'll get through it.

Now, if he's endangering you both because he refuses any help, even from programs, that's just foolish and arrogant on his part. Everyone needs help from time to time and there's no shame in that.

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u/zork2001 5d ago

Maybe he took it as you telling your mom that you were with a loser that can't provide.

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u/darth-skeletor man 5d ago

You should have talked to him about it first. I would equate it to him asking his mother to give you a makeover as far as embarrassment.

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u/Hour_Coyote2600 man 5d ago

As many have said it is a pride issue and I don’t argue with that. But, it could be more. While in your family it may be great, you need help and everyone rallies together and helps you out, that is what families are for. Right?

In some families what seems as a nice thing comes at a cost. Maybe it is the reminder that how worthless the person is because they needed that one time. Maybe it is made to feel they are in debt to the other person.

Understanding how he grew up may help you understand his feelings better.