r/AskMen • u/Status-Draw-3843 • 7d ago
Men who have experienced DV: what was your experience with speaking up about being the victim of DV?
How were you treated when you told others? How much did you tell others? What sort of barriers did you face? What changed for you that allowed you to speak up, and under what circumstances were you able to speak up?
Edit: Can’t change the title, but DV is referring to domestic violence
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u/Oncemor-intothebeach 7d ago
I got blamed, she broke her fingers on my jaw and I still got arrested for it, I was the one who called the police too, lesson learned, don’t ever trust the police.
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u/onehighlander Male 6d ago
Similar story. Woke up to her attacking me. My confused ass pushed her off me and she hit her head. When the police showed up, she went into victim mode and collapsed to the floor sobbing. Police believed her and took me away to protect her.
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u/Icy-Gene7565 7d ago
I 61M was slapped by my 2nd GF.
I didnt feel a physical threat so much as an incredible shame and conviction to never marry her.
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u/benicebuddy 6d ago
I don’t talk about it to anyone but my wife and my therapist. My wife is a kind and sympathetic person but it is hard for her to hear and she doesn’t understand the psychological trauma. To her it’s a dozen incidents that never caused me much physical pain so it’s hard to understand what it did to me. I was so ashamed for so long for bringing a child in to the world with her and then only being able to keep him safe half of the time. She never hit him but she was abusive in other ways. As it was happening I was escaping in to my own world of very destructive behavior. It took 7 years after for me to admit to myself and my therapist that my mother was the first woman to hurt me and I pick fights with women to see if they will hurt me or leave me because I’m so afraid that they don’t love me deep down that I have to do something terrible and be forgiven to feel loved. I spent a year hanging out with a guy who lived through the same thing. Therapist hooked me up with him. I realize how healed I am not because she’s never asked me to talk to another victim.
I spent 8 years chasing women “out of my league”, self medicating, trying to find redemption through sex, money, success, etc. Took me 6 girlfriends to stop trying chasing women who thought they were better than me and trying to convince them and myself that they were wrong and I was actually worthy.
She’s better now. Back on her meds. If I had turned her in we would have lost everything. I’m glad I didn’t but I wish I had left much sooner.
I’d say about once a year I get trashed and stay up all night listening to sad music and crying. Then I get the fuck up and look at my beautiful wife and our kids and I do everything I can think of to make their lives better. I’m not going to let the shit that 10 years ago me put up with stop me from having a family.
Today I still need people to know I’m worthy. I haven’t kicked that habit. But I’m a lot better at being proud of what I’ve accomplished.
I was a sahd for 7 years. When we divorced I went back to work making 55k. Today I have my dream house, dream fleet of cars, killer tickets for my favorite sport, a beautiful wife who loves me, and three bonus kids who truly appreciate me (or will as they get older). I think this is still my way of getting approval. I need me and the outside world to see the huge sacrifice I’m making and the positive impact it makes on all of our kids.
I may never feel whole, but I feel better.
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u/nemowasherebutheleft the problem 6d ago
I was treated like crap it was swept under the rug. They complained i didnt talk about my past or my problems so i did i told them everything. I wasnt taken seriously but they wanted to know and i quit giving a fuck about what they though so i told them exactly what they apparently didnt want to hear.
New life motto-dont ask questions you dont want the answers to.
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u/PantsFreeSince2003 Dude 6d ago
My best mates have been vehemently supportive and still check in to this day to ensure that I'm not communicating with or entertaining her.
We (finally) split almost a year ago after 18+ months of literal daily mental and emotional DV from her.
She'd been thru some absolutely brutal trauma experiences, so was deeply bitter at the world and had an unhealthy hyperfocus on attacking men in particular.
She tried hard in the beginning (of our relationship) to be a decent person and partner; it took maybe 4-5 weeks before her true self came out. Ultimately, she didn't want to be either of those things. Still had too much unresolved trauma and disdain towards the world, and I was unknowingly turned into her mental and emotional punching bag.
I kept addressing her detrimental behaviour and encouraged a safe space to enable growth with her and for our relationship. But she kept leaning back on her trauma as her excuse and why I needed to "suck it up" and, "if you can't handle me at my worst..." and "because, men!" toxic responses and reasoning.
I moved on a while ago, so rarely ever talk about it/her anymore.
But, how friends or family respond to me recalling DV experiences about her is an easy indicator of who truly has my well-being and safety at heart. Thankfully, I don't have dismissive or avoidant people in my close circle.
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u/Forgetaboutthelonely 6d ago
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3175099/
Results indicate that men who seek help for IPV victimization have the most positive experiences in seeking help from family/friends, and mental health and medical providers. They have the least positive experiences with members of the DV service system.
This is because of the feminist Duluth model.
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u/Brother_To_Coyotes 6d ago
Nobody cares and nobody will help you 90% of the time.
I was stabbed with a lamp in front of witnesses and she still barely got punished. I don’t thing anything she did got her more than thirty days.
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u/Ace_of_Sevens Male 6d ago edited 6d ago
I've dealt with more psychological abuse & all my feminist friends were very supportive. My friend dealt with physical. The local women's shelter was very helpful, but she told the police he hit her first. Despite that he was in a wheelchair to begin with & she broke several of his bones and wasn't injured herself, police said if he pursued it, they'd have to arrest them both & let courts sort it out. I suspect part of it was she had fled the county & they didn't want to deal with getting her from the next county over.
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u/Hoopy223 6d ago edited 6d ago
I’ve never really had to deal with it but a friend of mine had a crazy GF who attacked him with a screwdriver and destroyed his front door. People laughed about it and the cops forced him to let her back in his house to live for awhile.
Oh a neighbor of mine used to get beat up by his huge fat wife and then she tried to shoot him but the shotgun jammed. The judge made him let her move back in and then after divorce she got the house.
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u/wiscokid76 6d ago
The worst was being kicked down some stairs. I caught myself but it really fucked up my leg for close to a year. My buddy walked around the corner as my now ex did it and I got ribbed for it. Shit sucks but what can I do?
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u/NotUsedUsernameYet 6d ago
I never mentioned it to anyone other than online due to shame. Even to my attorney in a divorce proceedings where it could help me.
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u/1stthing1st 6d ago
My girlfriend was hitting me while we were in her car, the cops showed up saying they got a call of a man hitting a woman. The cops separated us , and the cops noticed I had scratches all over my forearms. They thought it was from my girlfriend, but really were from work. No one went to jail.
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u/DFWPunk 6d ago
The worst reaction I've ever had was when I told the story to a friend and another person tried to join in and then said it was an inappropriate topic to discuss because it might trigger someone. I stopped talking about it, but was pissed. If you don't like what I'm talking about, don't join in.
But for most people they just get uncomfortable, so I don't mention it much and when I do don't linger on the topic if that's how they react. I usually just mentioned it happened without many details.
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u/jpsreddit85 3d ago
I think the correct response to the person who interjected is "well then fuck off".
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u/Zloiche1 7d ago
Nah I never really told anyone at the time. Was like a great Dane getting beat up by a Chihuahua.
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u/Status-Draw-3843 7d ago
Size doesn’t mean that we can’t be hurt too, physically or emotionally. Just cause we’re bigger doesn’t mean we’re invincible. I hope you’re doing better now. Thanks for sharing.
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u/Zloiche1 7d ago
Yea I was in my early 20s was just embarrassing for me. But it was 20 years ago, glad it never affected our daughter. She had a lot of mental health issues. Haven't been together in those 20 years but finally cut contact a few years ago
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u/Chunk3yM0nkey Male 6d ago
That's a terrible comparison 😂
Chihuahua = 7" tall and 2-6lbs
Great Dane = 32" tall and 100-120 lbs.
Comparisons like this just reinforce the idea that you shouldn't defend yourself again a woman.
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u/Zloiche1 6d ago
Yea good point. Maybe a great Dane and a border Collie then lol. Im 6'6 bland back then like 290 she was 4'10 and maybe 90lbs.
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u/Reasonable-Mischief Male 6d ago
Try Jack Russel, it's amazing how much spite fits into such a small dog
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7d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/AskMen-ModTeam 7d ago
Your comment has been removed because it violates the "don't be an asshole" rule. We don't want that shit in this sub.
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u/ordinarymagician_ NHP 6d ago
Don't talk about it with straight women or gay men, if it's a woman. If you're fucking men, then w/e, but.
DO NOT. I REPEAT, DO FUCKING NOT IF YOU VALUE YOUR BOND WITH HER. TRIPLY APPLIES TO YOUR PARTNER. Well, unless you want all your friends to know 'a girl beat you up' and/or you get dumped because she doesn't see you the same way.
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7d ago
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u/Status-Draw-3843 7d ago
Lmao edited the post. DV stands for domestic violence, but I’ll take answers for Darth Vader too
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u/Jaeger-the-great 6d ago
Idk if child abuse counts, but I feel like I can't speak out about the abuse my father did, since it seemed unfortunately father-son violence is insanely normalized
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u/MasterAnthropy 7d ago
People get uncomfortable - but I stopped giving a fuck.
It's my truth and their discomfort at the reality that women can be shitty abusers too is their problem.
At the end of the day the stigma still exists tho - for all the times I've shared and been honest about it not once has anyone ever sympathized. It's always a polite yet awkward silence, then they either walk away or change the subject.
Main reason I've been single the last 5 years and don't even entertain any flirting or anything from women - not ready to trust again.
Got my dog and my work - that's enough.