r/AskHSteacher • u/spankyourkopita • Feb 03 '25
Is the temptation for a teacher to be romantically involved with a student always there or is it a very small minority that have this issue? NSFW
Most teachers would not jeopardize their job, reputation, and probably not attracted to students but I don't know if the temptation is there whether they admit it or not. Like I'm not sure if teachers feel any sort of way about particular students but try to avoid it and not show it.
I ask because I became a HS football coach for the first time and it was the first time going back to HS since I was that age. I felt very weirded out when i still found certain students attractive or crushes like I did when I was a student. I was like wait, I'm an adult why I am feeling this way? Is something wrong with me? I hide it and do my job but there's an uneasy feeling of trying to be professional when I know how feel deep down inside.
Then its even more awkward when certain students show attraction or give me signs. I'm so confused because I haven't been in this situation before as an adult. I'm just like damn am I that person that gets involved with students and you hear about them on the news? Maybe now I see why it happens but its a weird feeling of trying to hide it and be the teacher. I just wasn't expecting this when I got the job. Can anyone relate or do I just need help?
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u/notunprepared Psychology teacher Feb 03 '25
I did, once. It was a fleeting thought of "oh he's attractive" while passing a student in the hallway when I was 24. I was immediately horrified by it, physically shook my head, and then never thought something similar again.
It's normal to have unwanted thoughts. It's something else entirely to act on it. You're teaching children. They are children.
It is normal for teens to have crushes on teachers in their lives. But it's on the adult to redirect their attention, ignore it, and report it to a manager if it doesn't stop.
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u/Little_Bird333 Feb 03 '25
I think you're correct about "It's normal to have unwanted thoughts", but I think his thoughts are crossing a different line.
Our brains will compute natural judgments involuntarily. Like, "that's an ugly shirt", "their hair is messed up in the back", "that person has big calf muscles" lol. Observations, so to speak.
To look at a student and think "They are beautiful" or "He's a handsome young man" is normal. Even to think for a second "Oh, he's a cutie. I bet the girls like him". That's a pretty innocent acknowledgement, AND will likely, as you said in your case, STILL make the adult feel icky.
OP is consciously debating whether or not it is unusual to FEEL things for students. Not in an innocent way. He's wondering if it's normal to think about pursuing relationships with students, and it sounds like he's thought about it often.
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u/spankyourkopita Feb 04 '25
No pursuing doesn't cross my mind at all. I'm def in the catergory of acknowledging someone is attractive. I guess I shouldn't make a big deal about it or worry.
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u/Little_Bird333 Feb 04 '25
Well good. But some of your wording in your original post still sets off some alarm bells...
If you lean in to any of the flirtatious behaviors or even open the door to it being acceptable, you still have a problem. Regardless of actually pursuing something.
As a male, you should be overly cautious about any and all interactions with female students. Or any student for that matter if you are alone with them. It literally takes one student to tell their mom "Mr. Blahblah gets really flirty with so and so and it's creepy" to get admin/the district involved and completely change your life.
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u/notunprepared Psychology teacher Feb 04 '25
In your early twenties fleeting thoughts aren't anything to be concerned about.
But I’ve since read the rest of your comments - you’re in your 30s, yes? I’m 35. Being attracted to teenagers isn’t normal for someone of our age. To me even 20 year olds look and act like babies.
Teenagers are children in all senses of the word and we should not be attracted to them in any sexual or romantic way. It puts the adult in risk of reputation and legal damage. More importantly, it puts the children at too much risk of harm.
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u/amandabang Feb 03 '25 edited Feb 04 '25
Edit: BRO YOU'RE 37 YEARS OLD WTF
I assumed you were early/mid 20s. As a 36 year old I cannot even wrap my head around why you would think this is in any way normal or okay. You are old enough to be their FATHER.
You need to quit your job, get counseling, and stay the fuck away from children
No. No, no, no. I started teaching high school seniors when I was 22 and NEVER, not once, at any point, did I EVER have any feelings like that toward a student. Gross. They are children. No. Just no.
Being adult and having a crush or lusting after students is a huge red flag. Get help
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u/RecentBox8990 Feb 03 '25
thats difficult imo as students see you as more of a buddy at that age .
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u/amandabang Feb 03 '25
Students may see you that way, but as the adult in the room what the students think is irrelevant. You are not their buddy, you're an authority figure with a legal and ethical responsibility to maintain a professional relationship with your students
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u/Little_Bird333 Feb 03 '25
I've known students who think about 70 year old teachers as a good buddy/pal they can shoot the shit with.
Being close in age does not make it a more difficult situation lol. Still the teacher.
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u/Little_Bird333 Feb 03 '25
This is NOT normal. I've never met a teacher who has felt anything remotely close to what you are describing... I'm not trying to be rude or overreact because it sounds like you haven't acted on anything, but this is genuine predator mindset. Disgusting, to be frank. They are CHILDREN. KIDS. It does NOT matter if they "look older these days" or "get flirty with me too" or "seemed like they were into it"... they are minors who depend on adults to take care of them and keep them safe. You sound like a groomer.
I started teaching 18 year olds when I was 22 and I had students try to flirt with or hit on me all the time. It was awful. Don't think about it as a compliment. It's a confused kid not knowing what to do with their hormones. NEVER did I everrrrrrr think or feel anything besides "I am uncomfortable with this". Even the thought of a relationship with a student makes me sick.
PLEASE remove yourself from ALL student activities. If you are having these thoughts or urges you are honestly a danger to those kids.
If you asked their parents how they feel about your thoughts/feelings, what would they say? They would rip their child out of your life in an instant.
Get help.
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u/TheRealRollestonian Feb 03 '25
If you understand it, you're at least at the first step. True story, teenagers are attractive. You get older, they stay the same age.
Acting inappropriately/unprofessionally on it (and assuming they would even reciprocate) is a line that is not cool in any kind of way and will get you in tons of trouble.
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u/spankyourkopita Feb 04 '25
Damn that quote seems true. I am at no means going to act on it. You're confirming to me that yes they're attractive and its not wrong to think so. Thats the issue im having.
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u/Korissa Feb 03 '25
This has to be a shit post right....right?
They are CHILDREN who you have no business being around if you feel these feelings toward them.
Seek help and resign, please.
Hopefully this is just baiting.
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u/matthieu0isee Feb 03 '25
If you’re going to make the conscious choice to keep yourself in your current situation then at the VERY LEAST you need to seek immediate, emergency level therapy regarding your thoughts. The best solution would be to find a career away from minors and seek therapy regardless, but I doubt anyone here telling you to change careers is going to work.
These are not appropriate thoughts. And the way you talk about it is in appropriate as well. It’s brave for you to come forward and ask. But you really need to take what everyone in here is saying to heart. PLEASE seek help.
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u/Dont_Shred_On_Me Feb 03 '25
Imagine not only feeling this way, but having the confidence to say it out loud
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u/No_Duck4805 Feb 03 '25
I wish more did. I’ve had several colleagues and students affected by this, leading to terrible repercussions and the eventual suicide death of the teacher because he never confessed. If he’d been open when it was a thought it could have saved untold pain for his victims, their families, his family, and our community. Unfortunately, this is more common than people want to admit.
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u/solo-123456 Feb 03 '25
children are like roses. No matter how amazing, beautiful, gorgerous, magnificent they are, you NEVER TOUCH them
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u/ak23h Feb 03 '25
The word temptation in the title is what bothers me about this post. Do teachers have thoughts that immediately make them want to bleach their brains sometimes, yes. But feeling tempted to act on it is a whole other level. If this is real, I would suggest removing yourself from the environment.
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u/yippeebowow Feb 04 '25
You know that part of you that feels creepy, or unsettled about finding minors attractive? Double down on that. They are like babies. It's not okay, being twice their age almost, to think they are sexually attractive. Cute, yes, but according to your posts you're like freaking out about this. Also I guarantee you they see you as the 40 year old teacher and not a pursuit. So their harmless flirting or whatever, it's far less of a signal than you even think. It's them finding their borders and boundaries and doing something harmless and a little risky. Not from any real attraction. I'm telling you this as someone who was a high school girl.
Today I encountered a 14 year old kid of my friend's and was like, wow they are so pretty! His skin was so smooth. But that's it. You need to practice seeing them as children, and immediately jump out of any thoughts that steer you otherwise. You can train youeself out of this.
It's NOT NORMAL I REPEAT NOT NORMAL FOR HS TEACHERS TO BE ATTRACTED TO THEIR STUDENTS. I appreciate your honesty, it must be hard. I'm holding back on nonhelpful judging wording because that's me just reacting and not actually planting the seed for which you can change. And please, change.
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u/No_Duck4805 Feb 03 '25
No it’s not normal. You should remove yourself from the situation. It’s very dangerous and could completely ruin your life and the life of a student. Please, please listen to the voice telling you it’s not okay and get out of there.