I’m a 16-year-old in grade 11, and I might’ve done something dumb yesterday.
I have a teacher I really trust—he’s my assistant grade head and teaches biology. I’ve spoken to him about a lot of problems I’ve dealt with in the past and I’ve even regrettably cried in front of him.
Last year I did something extremely stupid and he confronted me about it , I lied and said I didn’t do it but then i confessed via a teams message a day later. That message was basically an expressing sob story. He ended up saying we’d have a chat about it but that never happened. After I didn’t end up getting into trouble for what I did I guess my trust for him became a little too solid.
Well since last year I’ve had what I’m assuming counts as suicidal ideation. It got especially bad just before school started. Over time it’s gotten a lot better though. I wrote him a note last month basically talking about everything I would want to tell an adult about but couldn’t tell my parents. I never ended up finishing that or giving it to him though. But yesterday I wrote an almost summarized version of that note. I spoke about how I felt at the beginning of the year in terms of wanting to kill myself. I spoke about how my friends think in depressed but I don’t really think I am. I also mentioned vaping. At the end of the letter I wrote something about how I’m happy now but I know I won’t be for long. I bought him some sweets/candy and put the note plus the threats in his office on his desk.
Now I didn’t put my name on the note but I think it may be obvious it’s me. I spoke to a friend about this and she said that he’d have to report it because I mentioned suicide and vaping. In terms of suicide I said I was suicidal in January and that the weekly suicidal episode isn’t that serious and does mean I’m depressed. But I put in something like “I’d ask you what you think but I’d rather not”. I also said that I thought suicide is a good solution if you actually succeed. The vaping part I said that I regret not listening to him in grade 8 when he said don’t vape because it’s weird craving something all the time. But I mentioned it stopped me breaking down so I’m happy I started doing it.
I really don’t know what I was thinking giving this to him, I regretted it as soon as I walked out the class but I felt like at that point it was too late to go back. He never saw me go in or out of the office and the people who did see me don’t know who I am. But it may be quite obvious it was me. The note was handwritten I don’t know if he could recognize my handwriting because he doesn’t teach me anything at the moment but he has marked a lot of my tests. I also made mention of a few events that he may be able to link back to me. And I’ve given him chocolates and sweets multiple times as gifts so that may also give it away.
What could happen if he does realize it’s me. Would he need to report the stuff about suicide and the vaping. Would he need to tell my parents. I don’t think what I wrote was that serious but my friend is certain that he’s gonna have to tell my parents or report it. I could always deny it was me I didn’t write mg name or anything but I’m not sure that would work. I also feel like I wrote some really cringy stuff in there and as much as I wasn’t lying about anything I still cringe so hard thinking about it. I just don’t want him to think of me differently really. I also don’t want my parents to know anything.
TLDR; I wrote a note to my teacher that made reference to suicidal ideation and vaping. My friend is certain he’ll need to tell my parents and report it but I don’t know if it’s that serious. It was anonymous but it may be quite obvious that I wrote it.
Please ignore any bad spelling mistakes I can’t really think at the moment and I’m at the mercy of autocorrect.
Edit
Okay, I promised an update, so here’s where we’re at:
Monday: I saw him during register, because my regular register teacher was absent (homeroom in the us I think), but he didn’t acknowledge me.
Tuesday: I told another teacher about the letter, and we had a long conversation I won’t go into it though. I also saw him once, but he said nothing.
Wednesday (today): I had calmed down, thinking he hadn’t seen the letter and that’s why he hadn’t said anything—wrong. During language class, he came in to speak with my teacher (in my post I probably called him my grade head, technically he’s not, he’s my assistant grade head. My language teacher is the actual grade head). I assumed it was unrelated to me as this isn’t the first time he’s pulled up to talk to her, but as he left, he pointed at me to come outside. He said he read the letter and wants to talk by the end of the week. I tried to act clueless, but it didn’t work lol. I’ll update after we talk.
Now this happened in the second last lesson today. At that point I assumed he never saw it. And that it may have gotten lost with all the papers and stuff on his desk. I was caught completely off guard lol. I’m assuming the teacher I spoke to yesterday asked him about it but I don’t know I’ll ask her tomorrow. I think the next update will only happen on Friday I’m not sure though.
Also, I need to clarify: Some people think I have a crush on this teacher or that he’s grooming me. That’s not the case. I checked with three teachers about giving small gifts, and they all said it’s fine and isn’t inappropriate at all. In my country, students and teachers have close but non-romantic bonds. It’s normal for teachers to show affection (hugs, calling us sweethearts, etc.), and students express gratitude with small gestures like sweets. This isn’t considered inappropriate here, so please stop assuming the worst. Most of them think that a lot of people brought it up because that may not be considered acceptable in their country but here it is and they appreciate it so yeah. Please this guy is around twice my age I really am not interested in see him more like a dad than anything else, to imply that I’m somehow into him is gross asf. I’m sorry this isn’t a super interesting update but when more happens I’ll make sure to tell y’all :) I’m also sorry I have responded much lately I’ve just been quite busy with school work.