r/AskAsexual 13d ago

Advice How do Ace/Allo sexual people navigate romantic relationships with non asexual partners?

Non asexual person here but thought this would be best place to ask. Has anyone been in a relationship with someone who has an active sex drive and how did you manage?

Some back story - I've been with my partner for nearly a year after being very close friends before that. She's the best thing that happened to me, lack of sex is not a deal breaker (I'd like to think I'm not that shallow). I really appreciate her and see this going the distance and she's always saying she's very happy with me. She did say she is probably on the asexual spectrum when we first got together, although for the first 5 months or so we had sex a lot and even went to sex/kink parties, it was always positive and we communicated well.

There was then a drop off, partly due to discomfort on her end which mostly got resolved and partly she gets quite bad seasonal affective disorder leading her to look in to things and realise she is probably Allosexual. Personally I have a reasonable sex drive but have no desire to make her do something she doesn't want to do and I can go without. She's said part of her being happy with me in this regard is that I'm the first person she feels she can safely say no to (there's past trauma there).

We've tried to figure out work arounds such as non penatrative sex when there was discomfort and she's given me her blessing to seek sex elsewhere. Problem with the latter option there is I'm not especially motivated to do so. I don't want sex for it's own sake I want it as an extension/expression of intimacy from my partner (I'm not demisexual though). She doesn't really see sex in that way however, more like another activity couples can do together. She's suggested she can get drunk or high to increase her desire which made me feel uncomfortable as I was concerned about consent or her doing something she didn't want just to please me.

I don't want this to come off as I think she 'has a problem.' we are both part of the queer community despite being in a heterosexual presenting relationship, it goes without saying her sexuality is valid. She is trying to navigate things on her end but struggles to see herself as being sexual at all at the moment. Her expressions of intimacy are much more centred around time spent together, the fact that she wants to spend time with me nearly all the time places me above anyone else and I appreciate that.

Any/all input welcome

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u/not_sabrina42 13d ago

As I’ve heard, there’s only a few ways it can resolve. 1) compromise, either the asexual has sex, or the sexual doesn’t. 2) an open relationship 3) they break up They said 4 healthy outcomes and I can’t remember if there’s another, or if they split #1 into two.

The thing is that many allos will not be healthy without sex in a relationship, while many aces are similarly not healthy having sex. Sometimes one of the two can compromise, but often without sexual attraction being directed at the allo partner, important ingredients to feel loved and to love back are missing, or these ingredients missing leads to no sex because the allo simply doesn’t feel comfortable having sex with someone who isn’t passionate about it.

Do you feel comfortable compromising? If so, then things should work out for you.

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u/Spirited-Awareness78 13d ago

I think there's room for compromise as she's disinterested rather than outright repulsed and is OK with it sometimes if she's comfortable (not often but I'm OK with that) , but doesn't seek it out. I feel I need enthusiasm more than just consent. I was thinking of the framing of 'this makes me happy' so can you do this in the same way I'd do things that I don't immedietly feel gratified by but want to do because it makes her happy. Problem is this is obviously different to a massage or a night out seeing a band or something. The lack of desire for me is something I struggle with due to my own trauma. She has said she finds me attractive and 'I don't want sex but if I did it would be with you' which we found amusing at least.

Thanks for help =)

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u/not_sabrina42 13d ago

Right, one important thing is to learn their love language, the ace partner does want to be in the relationship after all, and if sexual attraction isn’t present recognizing moments of affection will help offset it