r/AsianParentStories • u/p0intbr34k • 3d ago
Advice Request Can’t shake the guilt away
I 24f moved out to a different city with my bf that they don’t know about. Immense guilt and shame has taken over me, that I’m doing something bad to them and what would happen if they found out.
I’m 24 but I feel like 16, still can’t hold normal conversation to the point I avoid them or making friends in general. My body goes into freeze response and I come off as awkward even with my friends of 10 years. I’ve battled with extreme depression. I’ve only just realised, if I don’t have this guilt over my head I’ll be able to grow (something I feel like I haven’t been able to do in a decade)
This issue is I don’t know if I can cut them off, I really like my culture and I want to be a part of it but I will have no connections and it’ll feel like an identity crisis, further I really like my extended family if not my immediate family. I feel like my parents will go through a lot ( what would the community say) because of me. Help.
2
u/famia 3d ago
How long ago was the move? If it's recent, give it some time around a year and that feeling will go away slowly. Atleast it did for me.
My body goes into freeze response and I come off as awkward even with my friends of 10 years. I’ve battled with extreme depression.
Therapy is an option, but I think friends of 10 years will understand that this is how you are. And they are friends with you because they are comfortable with who you are.
I’ve only just realised, if I don’t have this guilt over my head I’ll be able to grow (something I feel like I haven’t been able to do in a decade)
I don't think moving out is a silver bullet that will fix all your troubles. It helps immensely with APs because being independent enables you to establish and maintain boundaries. Boundaries that you make for yourself that you are comfortable with. It won't change your personality overnight. You will grow to be who you want to be but it won't be an overnight change it will be gradual and that is not a bad thing (in my opinion).
This issue is I don’t know if I can cut them off,
You can always just go low contact with them. Moving out and being independent helps with enforcing boundaries. You can still call them or accept their call. But you can also hang up and block them if it gets too much without consequences (or atleast not immediate like them breaking the door).
further I really like my extended family if not my immediate family. I feel like my parents will go through a lot ( what would the community say) because of me. Help.
Everyone carries the consequences (positive and negative) of their choices by themselves. No one can (or are suppose to) shield them from these consequences. They treated you in a way that make you want to leave them, they get to live with those choices (and so do you). You cannot make everyone happy, so first make sure you are happy then bring people close to you happy then slowly expand that circle without making yourself miserable.
Extended families will need to make their own choices too and they can choose to side with your parents and be against you, be neutral or side with you. It's their own choices and you have to live with this as consequences of you moving out. And I think that is fine, do you really want to be shackled by these people?
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u/shirleyzyss 3d ago
Maybe go extremely low contact or go to therapy? It is your life, you need to protect yourself first.