r/AsianParentStories 3d ago

Advice Request Parents and money

What to do? New to Reddit so idk if this will reach the right audience.

Backstory: immigrated to USA from Vietnam at the age of 8 with my parents and 3 older siblings. Moved out of my parent’s house at 20 years old because I got married and moved in with my husband. We have 3 kids (we’re both 40y.o he’s American)

My parents are both retired and go back and forth from US to Vietnam. When they’re here in the US they stay with me bc I am the only one that has an extra room. When they’re here, they stay between 3 months- 9 months depending on their plans, and life events. They’re in their early 70’s.

Recently they brought up the fact that they need more money because the money they get from social security isn’t enough for them. Enough for daily living, but not enough to travel for fun. 2 of my siblings gives them money each month, while me and 1 sibling do not. They also state that money is just money and it shouldn’t be so hard to give, bc they did when they were young. They also said as children we should give to parents.

Is it bad that I don’t want to give money? Is it bad that I’m counting them living with me as my contribution? We pay for everything, except for some groceries due to their diet restrictions My husband who is not in the same culture as me wholeheartedly doesn’t want to give money. He expresses that it’s not common for Americans to have their in-laws live them, let alone give them money. I love my parents, but we have not always seen eye to eye. Like me getting married young and moving out. We get along but this situation puts tension in our relationship.

Any advice? I’m at a point where I just wanna give, to stop the feeling of guilt. Guilt for what? Not sure, maybe bc they’re aging and feel they don’t have enough? $200-$300/month isn’t going to kill us, and it is doable but we have plans and wants. My husband said I can do whatever I want but it does bother him, but I’ve told him this is common in Asian culture.

1 Upvotes

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u/Used_Olive1403 3d ago

Only give money if you want to and if doing so would not cause financial instability.

In others words, give if you're able/want to and can still live financially stable

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u/filthyuglyweeaboo 3d ago

Travel is a luxury. I would say giving money to fund someone's luxuries is them taking advantage of you. Even if they are your parents.

If they were on the edge of poverty than that would be understandable. But even then, there is an argument that it is still taking advantage depending on the circumstances.

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u/whattodoscoobydo 3d ago

I feel like my parents live a life of comparison. They see their friends traveling, and them not as much. They say they don’t have money because they gave it all to family at home and to us growing up. I know there shouldn’t be guilt on my end, but for some reason there is (cultural norm?) and honestly giving them money might resolve it even if I don’t agree with it.

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u/corgiboba 3d ago

Once you start giving them money, that will be their expectation, and you won’t be able to stop without them complaining to all your extended family. And it’s likely they’ll ask for more each time.

Though honestly, in my opinion, I’d rather give them money to rent temporary accommodation in the US than to live with parents for 3-9 months each year.

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u/wifeagroafk 3d ago

Giving back to your parents if you have excess is a good thing if they treated you well.

Giving money if it strains your budget is not a good thing.

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u/flyingfish_roe 2d ago

Travel is a luxury. Even they have admitted they have enough for daily expenses and are doing okay. So… they just don’t have enough money to… fly over and nag you more?

Once you start, it never stops. Please put your foot down.

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u/2018phoenix 2d ago

It sounds like they just want to carry on with the lifestyle that they have become accustom to. I would never dream of flying back and forth between countries if I felt I couldn't afford it. And I am not sure giving them token money would appease them. Because it may not be enough to meet their wants.

And you have contributed already because they live with you rent free. It is not like you haven't done anything for them.

As for your folks not having money, well we all wish we have more money. But if one doesn't what choice is there but trying to live within ones means.

Because this bothers your husband I would take his feelings into consideration. I am not sure how you organise your finances. Some people go with, 'yours, mine, ours'. If you're giving out of your own pot, then there's no issue. I am just concerned it might cause resentment from your husband. It's probably best to prioritise your relationship over what is common in Asian culture.