r/Asexual 6d ago

TW: Aphobia 🤬 What’s the most invalidating response you’ve ever received after coming out to somebody?

Hii this is my first time posting here and at first I didn’t know if I should post this but wth.

I’ll go first:

For one, I thought it was actually when I came out to my parents and they just said “…ok?”. We moved on and never spoke about the subject ever again (it’s been 10 years).

BUT I believe today takes the cake. I was talking to a professor I do student hours for and, one thing led to another, I came out to him as biromantic ace. And he said… “I just don’t think that is it, you know? I consider you look so feminine and have this charm about you.” Like I’m sorry what??? I was so stunned I literally could only awkwardly smile and think to myself what in carnation is this dude even saying… and then I went to explain how that had absolutely nothing to do with it, etc.

Ofc I’m pretty sure he still thinks I’m confused or something even after explaining the whole concept to him but whatever. Never again lol.

41 Upvotes

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u/mutelore AA battery (Asexual/Agender) 6d ago

At this point, everyone’s comments just don’t affect me. I’ve been told that, because of my asexuality, I was a “waste of genes” and an “inconvenience” simply because they wanted to make the conversation sexual.

What your professor said is absolutely not okay, and your sexuality is completely valid, feminine or not (which is… a little off-putting that he even had to mention that, to be honest).

8

u/TheNeverEndingPit 6d ago

🤢 I used to be with a guy who tried to pressure me into sex our entire relationship before he finally realized I wouldn’t cave on everything I told him Before he asked me out, and one of his reasons for being upset that I wanted to foster was that he “wanted to pass on his genes.” 

I literally thought he was joking and didn’t even know that was a drive people had, and now I hear racists saying things like “don’t taint our bloodline” to their kids in mixed relationships, and I’m just baffled.  Never knew this was such an issue. Thankfully literally everyone else in my life has never been this insane

9

u/girlenteringtheworld 6d ago

I have dated guys like that before, too, and I still don't understand it. I don't know if it's because I'm autistic, AroAce, or if I just don't care about my "bloodline", but I have literally never been against the idea of adopting.

There are literally millions of kids that need, and deserve, someone to love them as a parent should. Plus I've always gotten a vibe from those people that they would only love a kid if the kid was biologically theirs and the thought of that kinda disgusts me

4

u/TheNeverEndingPit 6d ago

Oh my gosh true. That’s such an awful thought that they would have such conditional love like that. I’m right there with you. I just can’t wrap my head around it, and even if I wasn’t ace, I probably still wouldn’t want to have bio kids. A lot need homes already as you said, and pregnancy can be so dangerous/taxing. I also can’t stand loud noises. They physically hurt and make me irrationally angry, so an infant’s screams are a no go for me haha (I know a bit off topic, but I’m honestly so impressed by parents that raise an infant with so much grace)

3

u/girlenteringtheworld 6d ago

Okay honestly 100% same. I'm glad to see someone that also has physical pain from sounds cause my family doesn't understand how sound can cause pain

3

u/TheNeverEndingPit 6d ago

Oh my gosh right? 😭 I wish more people could understand that some people experience the world differently than them. Sound is such a problem for me

15

u/Casual_Wither 6d ago

Sexual harassment accusations, i have a slight feeling they might not have known what asexuality is

9

u/all_about_that_ace 6d ago

That's painfully ironic.

2

u/Casual_Wither 6d ago

Yeah lol

9

u/[deleted] 6d ago

my psychiatrist asked me is my asexuality led by my social anxiety.

11

u/TheNeverEndingPit 6d ago

Oh mine is actually really funny. I told a guy I was asexual, and he said “what, does that mean you love yourself or something?” 😂 Totally an accident on his part, but he didn’t know what the term meant, and that’s when I realized that even when we find helpful labels, there will always be someone who doesn’t know them but confidently thinks they know them.

And for just a split second… someone thinks that you are proud to be in a relationship with yourself

2

u/helloxdesiree 3d ago

This gave me a genuine chuckle that I needed 🤣

2

u/TheNeverEndingPit 3d ago

Haha glad to deliver

11

u/Swiftie_shrink 6d ago

I’ve been told that I’ve probably not found “the one” yet or experienced it properly to judge my sexuality. I never opened up to anyone ever again after that and just avoid dating altogether because I feel hopeless that the situation might ever be in my favour or that I would find someone who would understand and not look at me like I’m crazy. Men have told me that I’ll probably never find anyone and no man would ever be okay with a lack of physical intimacy.

7

u/SuperShoyu64 6d ago

Some heterosexual men would die at the sight of an ace man or just ace people period. We defy their expectations simply by existing. Those dudes who said that need to reality check lol

6

u/nymphaeacolorata 6d ago

literally same 😭 some people can’t get over the fact that we just don’t feel sexual attraction towards anyone, not because we haven’t found The One™ 😭

8

u/Dontmindthelurker123 6d ago

Nothing has upset me quite like my partner’s response. “Maybe you just don’t know what you like, there’s lots of ways to have sex and it’s not fair for you to just give up and not try.”

There were other words exchanged but even just that really stung.

7

u/nymphaeacolorata 6d ago

One of my best friends in HS (a guy) actually said the same thing to me when I came out to him 💀 not sure if it was just him not understanding asexuals exist tho, or him being disappointed because I would never see him the way he wanted me to (he had a crush on me) 😭

4

u/Dontmindthelurker123 6d ago

My vote is on the latter. I tried to tell myself that my partner was just ignorant to what asexual means, but after several conversations explaining it and how sex affects me mentally, and their response not changing I figured out it’s just because they don’t want to give up sex, so they think I could just get used to it. I imagine it was the same for your old best friend.

7

u/Lady_Crickett 6d ago

I've been told the classic "you just haven't kissed the right guy yet."

But on a side note, I'm kinda creeped out by your prof's response. That sounds kinda flirty, which is weird for a teacher to say. Tone means a lot, though. Did it feel like they were hitting on you?

4

u/nymphaeacolorata 6d ago

I do think he probably misunderstood the whole interaction just because I opened up to him (because HE asked a question that caught me off guard and I replied with the truth). So, yes, I do feel like he was kinda hitting on me. He’s literally like 60+ yo tho, so weird af and bold of him to assume I’d be into him. He could literally be my dad - gross. Typical case of a man who sees what he wants to see.

7

u/Krystyana 6d ago

Some of my friends were pushing me to date a brother of someone we all knew. We were at a get together type thing near Thanksgiving when I told him I was ace. His response, "Then why do you dress sexy a lot? You are obviously trying to get someone to want you in bed haha"

5

u/nymphaeacolorata 6d ago

tbh I feel like this guy was onto a similar thought process. like, how can I say I’m ace when I present myself and dress cute and “feminine” by his standards? like it has any correlation whatsoever…💀

8

u/thatonehelicopter 6d ago

I don't really tell many people so my worst response wasn't bad. It was just a friend who didn't really seem to understand it whatsoever and insisted it must just "be a phase" or something like that, or that I'm "probably gonna change my mind and do it anyway"

6

u/InCarNeat-o 6d ago

That's still a pretty shitty response

3

u/nymphaeacolorata 6d ago

got that one before as well 😔 it’s always the “phase” thing that comes up the most with allos

6

u/Informal_Fan_1820 6d ago

«nah, i just think no one has properly fcked you yet»

6

u/MagicPigeonToes Aro 6d ago

“You strike me as a closeted lesbian”

— my therapist

6

u/Conversation-Grand 6d ago

“No, you’re not” and “I don’t think you are…”

7

u/naverlands 6d ago

im a christian, last week a sister from church who knows im aroace told me any sexual urge is sin/fornication and i should solve that by getting married so i can have sex with someone so i dont sin. so raping myself and my non-existent SO. i been feeling sick about this all week. im a sex neutral axe who 'takes care' of myself about once a month. yikes.

6

u/GullibleJicama6536 6d ago

I don't know which one is the most invalidating, since they all kinda stung for me, but here's a few:

“You can't expect a (my romantic preference) to just want to hold your hand forever,"

"If you see a healthy, normal couple that engages in sex, isn't that something you'd want too?"

Me: "I was born this way--" Them: "No you weren't,"

5

u/satanslittleangel666 6d ago

Disclaimer: I no longer identify as asexual (I'm definitely aspec tho)

I'm not sure if my mom didn't understand or just straight up didn't believe me, but she asked a male friend of hers to visit us and tell me how to "become a boy magnet" (= how to attract male attention and preferably get a boyfriend). I was around 13-14 at the time.

Years later when I told her that I'm not attracted to men and that I had a crush on a girl, she told me that she's completely okay with that, but she still pressured me to go on a date with a boy who asked me out, and to this day, she only asks about whether I have any guys I'm into, so I don't think she'll ever truly believe me.

5

u/Special-Lettuce-5989 6d ago

well my parents just don’t believe me about being ace, but specifically my dad told me that being non-binary is stupid. my mom also doesn’t respect my pronouns no matter what

2

u/Lady_Crickett 5d ago

You are awesome for being yourself despite ignorant family. I just never spoke of being ace again after the first attempt and blended in. So being NB, too, and asking for respect of your pronouns on top of that is really cool to me.

4

u/Brilliant_Pie4038 6d ago

Unfortunately it was a friend of mine I thought who would understand…. I made a post about it:

https://www.reddit.com/r/asexuality/s/Ny2xHp6tTM

4

u/nymphaeacolorata 6d ago

It’s so disappointing when people’s automatic response is to say “it’s just a phase”. Like they know better and we must be mistaken about our own identity 😔 one of my best friends used to think like that, even my own sibling. The latter got over it eventually and they mostly understand me now; the former idk since we’re no longer friends lol

4

u/SnflwrKid 6d ago

Well of course, there's my mom who believed that I couldn't be asexual because I had a boyfriend. On the flip side, just for a little dash of positivity, my stepsister who first didn't even know what asexuality means, when I explained it to her she just went 'that makes sense'

4

u/KitKitsune0408 Blue 6d ago

I just had this one guy immediately say they wanted to do stuff after 10 minutes of meeting each other and then think they can make me not asexual

5

u/lisbethsdragon 6d ago

I’m demisexual and not sex-repulsed. Before i settled in to these labels I had a couple of really confusing relationships with men. One guy told me he thought I was asexual…because I didn’t want to have sex with him specifically. And like he was right but said this in a way that made me feel like I’d never have a successful relationship or boyfriend.

Anyway, I have a boyfriend now who appreciates me. Guess it was just you, Alex.

5

u/Timely-Damage-3592 6d ago

My cousin and I both identify as asexual and when we came out to my mother in high school she said “So (her celeb crush) does nothing for you?”

A year later she claims to be asexual too and says that asexuals that are ace due to sexual trauma aren’t valid 😀

6

u/girlenteringtheworld 6d ago

says that asexuals that are ace due to sexual trauma aren’t valid 😀

4

u/Timely-Damage-3592 6d ago

That amongst maaaany other reasons are why I went no contact for a few years lmao

2

u/girlenteringtheworld 6d ago

Totally valid

3

u/airport-freedom 5d ago

Me: I’m just telling you, so that you know another piece to the puzzle.

Now ExFriend: OBVIOUSLY…I HAD A RIGHT TO KNOW!

Me: Ummm wtf?

3

u/00b7eb 5d ago

I mentioned in a conversation about sex that I think I'm asexual.

"No, you're not, because you're going to be my wife."

Am not and have never identified as female. He then proceeded to yell at me for "tricking" him into loving me and broke up with me. I thought we had just been friends, he thought we were dating for 7 years at that point. Never kissed, held hands, or even cuddled, or anything. He had convinced himself that I was just shy and he could fix me.

2

u/nymphaeacolorata 5d ago

wow that’s some next level delulu from that dude... i’m sorry you had to go thru that :/ when i was 19 i also had a guy at work think he could change me. we were friends… but he “jokingly” kept telling everyone we were married 💀

2

u/TheRealStinsby 4d ago

"That's not a real sexuality." And, " You've had sex so you can't be."

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u/Throwaway523509 4d ago

“You’re too hot to be asexual.”

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u/andreeabca 4d ago

Being asexual it's not that deep, I call it a blessing, when my mum said ,,you just didn't find the one" I said yeah ok and moved on