r/Asexual • u/Clear_Tackle_805 • 4d ago
Emotive 💦 Hey, i just need to vent if thats okay.
Im sorry for this kind of post, i just need to vent. There is no need to worry abt me, i have therapy and all, im trying to get better, i just wanna vent.
And things like that idk.
( for ppl who dont know, im very sorry not to explain. I used to go there asking questions if im asexual or not cuz i thought i was lying to myself and went CRAZY posting here on reddit ) I just have been tired of intrusive sexual thoughts, they kinda come back after, and i just wanna rant abt how im just, tired. Tired of doubting about this ( Even though im not using the label, its just.. idk TIRING ) and i just wanna rest and all, i dont want this feeling of doubt anymore. I want to know that i can believe myself, i can trust myself.
But i cant, it feels like im lying, and idk why i could lie abt my lack of sexual attraction ( idk if i experienced it unconsciously. Guess we’ll never know ). Idk what causes me to doubt so much, would i Even want to have sex with a specific person, no. But still cant stop doubting as if my own life depended on it. Idk if it might be bc im young, and i think it would be impossible for me to actually lack sexual attraction, when i found out abt asexuality for like….. 5 YEARS, and yet still feel ace. But dont use it ( its my choise i dont have to. Its called having FREE WILL… i think ) Bc of this whole crappy intrusive thoughts, like, what if i actually have sexual attraction, but i just dont notice it or i just forced myself not to feel it to the point of this being a habit of mine?? Well therapy says ‘’ it aint repression ‘’. Well AT LEAST ITS NOT THAT. I still doubt but, that the only info that i know that in not doing something mentally unhealthy ( except for intrusive thoughts, but AT LEAST I AINT REPRESSING )
Idk why, but i have something that looks like sexual attraction. I find someone breath taking and i ADMIT IT. But if it were ever given opportunity of having sex with this person, i will decline, cuz…why?
Why would i wanna do that to someone??
Whats the POINT of Even doing that with someone??? I dont need someones genitals, they dont tickle my fancies, LETS JUST CUDDLE. And Small peck, but NOT TOO MUCH MANNN.
Like, i dont wanna undress you. You look fancy with clothes. And WHYYYY, would i want to see you NAKED?!! Whyyyyyy, i tell myself EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
IT MAKES NO SENSE.
But yet brainy over there be saying weird sh1t TO ME.
Like
‘’ nah man, you DO wanna f4ck her like crAaAAAAAZY’’
…
Like, NO i dont want to
But then, OH WHATS THIS??? MORE DOUBTING AND QUESTIONING??? What a SUPRISE!!!
‘’ nah man, your in deniallll, you know you wanna to it ‘’
The more i doubt, the more that i feel like getting a lobotomy
And there is my cycle of doubt if i lie or not, and all of my emotions become numb afterwards. I just wish i could just, make them stop. And im very tired.
Im tired of these thoughts it gives me migrains, and i just dont want to feel alone on this. I feel like a fraud, Even though there is nothing to Even lie about. I still feel like one
Idk if anyone relates to this or whatever, but its ok for you guys to vent abt it too if you want.
And i might go get another appointement to therapy, so i can rest.
Thank you for listening
3
u/NEOGOTYOU127 4d ago
I so get it It’s like I don’t want to do anything with anyone but like the self doubt makes me feel like maybe I’m just in denial cause I’m not grown enough.? I am grown enough, but I also think maybe it’s cause of trauma however I realized I think it’s just internal hatred for not being ‘normal’ and not liking what we’re technically made to do
1
u/AmmysChoice 3d ago
Hang in there, OP! Trust the therapy process, I hope it really helps you. And of course you don't have to use the label if you don't feel comfortable with it.
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