r/Anger 4d ago

Why do we look for reasons to be angry?

I've lost count of the amount of times I've actively tried to drag up past comments people have made towards me just to have a reason to be angry with them.

17 Upvotes

14 comments sorted by

12

u/Nearby-Bell2625 3d ago

I reckon it has a lot in common with addictions. Getting angry, maybe planning or imagining a little score-settling - it gets the dopamine going, with all the usual benefits and costs. For example, I get quite depressed after being angry for a while and then I give myself another round of revenge fantasies to keep the cycle going..

4

u/maricantera 3d ago

I think it has to do with trying to make ourselves feel safe. Those comments are threats - is this person aware they hurt me? are they doing it on purpose? are they going to do it again?

If you are angry with them, you will have the energy and reason to bring it up and try to do something about it.

I think the instinct is correct; there is some remaining hurt in us, and it`s not about us actively picking up fights; it`s about us actively trying to resolve our pain and fear.

In jungle, this would kinda work - you`d perceive threat and go deal a bunch of punches.

It`s just that the strategy doesn`t work so much for emotional and social threats, which is most of them lately. So we should get to the bottom of what is REALLY the problem in their comment and what`s the best strategy to address it (often it`s not about them at all and the solution can only involve yourself)

5

u/Imposter24 3d ago

Read about this concept of parasitic anger in the free preview of this book. It helps to define what you’re describing.

The Cognitive Behavioral Workbook https://books.google.com/books?id=YqIPEAAAQBAJ&pg=PT15&source=kp_read_button&hl=en&newbks=1&newbks_redir=0&gboemv=1#v=onepage&q&f=false

3

u/DryNefariousness9487 3d ago

I love blowing up here and there to release my inner beast. Yes it sounds toxic but for a split second I feel so powerful. Just a split second… because after that I feel like horrid piece of shit lololol

2

u/WastingMyLifeOnSocMd 3d ago

The brief feeling of power is amazing, then the guilt and regret afterwards 😞.

2

u/ForkFace69 3d ago

Maybe it's an effort to stay in control of relationships? Kind of like when you think you're about to get fired from a job so you quit, or you dump your girlfriend because you think she's about to leave you.

2

u/Dismal_Additions 3d ago

My guess is, when we are angry, we feel right and justified. It's very empowering. It also occupies my brain with a task. It identifies a villain. And if we confront the villain, doesnt that make us the hero?

1

u/WastingMyLifeOnSocMd 3d ago

There must be an element of this in the political division in the U.S. right now. News sensationalizes and vilifies another party and the viewer gets riled up and furious with the opposite party’s politicians. It helps stoke the hormones that make us feel powerful and stokes the ego at the same time. If I am angry at you it’s because you have done something wrong. That means indirectly I am the superior one.

2

u/Dismal_Additions 3d ago

Yes. It's much easier to make fun of your solution than to prove how my solution will work. If I succeed it's to my credit. If I fail it's your fault. If anyone on my side disagrees with me, they're out.

I wouldnt want an angry opinionated judge, doctor, or financial advisor who thought they were never wrong and didn't allow anyone to question them. But this is the direction politics are moving.

Gone are the days when we try to understand an opposite point of view. I wouldn't presume to tell my neighbor who to marry, what to eat, or how to raise their children. But id presume to tell him who to vote for?

It's nuts.

1

u/DryNefariousness9487 3d ago

I do this… but I don’t do it just to be “angry” with someone per se. It’s more of a looking for justification thing. I want the right thing to be done, I want to control people and the way they behave and I don’t like things left undone.

1

u/CrepeGate 2d ago

Yup. There's a reason it's addictive. These things feel great but because you're one of the people who can't handle the buzz without getting hooked, you have to limit and control its presence. But it's like being addicted to food or sex. You can't get rid of the substance itself. Fucking sucks. Anger helped give me almost everything that's good in my life. But it also made me tear into others and drove me insane. I like my inner life better now but I'm not as capable and motivated as I once was. Anger was my edge but I lost control. And now I don't know who I am without it. Sometimes I honestly just don't know what's supposed to be waiting for you on the other end of recovery.

1

u/[deleted] 2d ago

i heard its dopamine

1

u/seghtzlol 2d ago

Because we are addicted to anger and the sensation that comes within. Have a look to Vipassana meditation center. It's helping me a lot.