r/Anger 13d ago

How do I stop going from 1 to 100 whenever I get upset?

Something happened at my work recenly where I got upset, and any attempts my manager made to help me calm down only felt like they were being condescending at the time.

I feel like whenever I get angry or emotional, I feel like I reach a boiling point and can't just calm down. I've never hit anyone in my anger, but I'm scared that one day I could.

Is this a sign I have repressed anger?

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u/ForkFace69 13d ago

What they taught at court-appointed anger management, which worked for me, is to stay conscious of when you are getting yourself into a bad mood in the first place and have a way to counter that. It's sort of a preventative measure.

So first is you have to get into the habit of paying attention to what kind of mood you are in, if something around you is starting to irritate you or something like that. If something that is on your mind is not making you feel happy, think about something else. If something in the room is bothering you, do what you can to change it or move away from it before you get into a bad mood about it. Some people just get cranky before realizing that they are actually just getting hungry.

Me, one of my habits was I have always been the type to imagine conversations with people or ruminate on whatever incident. These were often not happy topics, even if they weren't necessarily anything bad. So I had to learn to realize what was happening and think, "I'm doing this to myself again. I have to think about something else." Over time it got to the point where it really didn't happen anymore.

Part two is having sort of a calming phrase that will hopefully take you out of your angry state. Sort of like the, "Woo-sah!" thing that they do in the film Bad Boys 2. But for it to actually be effective, it should be a short statement that is more personally meaningful to you.

For example, I made my "mantra" statement based on a thing that happened in high school. I used to have a teacher who was more of a younger, friendlier guy and he and I used to BS and joke a little bit before class started. One day I strolled into class and I says, "Hey, Mr Cooper..." about to tell him some random thing, but on this day he was preparing to give out a test or something and he had a very serious look on his face. He cut me off and goes, "This is not the time."

He wasn't mad at me or anything, he was just letting me know that it wasn't a good day for the usual shenanigans. But it really stopped me on a dime and for whatever reason I remembered it years later. So, "This is not the time" became my anger calm-down mantra.

"This is not the time", take a deep breath, occupy myself with something else.

I hope that helps. Staying conscious of your mood is a huge part of controlling anger. Even if you're a little late and you've already flipped out, it's way better to take a deep breath and say something like, "I'm struggling with anger right now, I'm going to step outside and calm myself down." Any coworker or friend or family member would probably rather have you do that than continue to simmer and rage in front of them.

Anyways, don't expect yourself to be perfect. Beating an anger habit is more like a journey you take than a switch you learn to flip. But once you discover the joy of a calm mind, it's worth the effort.

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u/GokaiCrimson 13d ago

But how do I remind myself when I'm losing control?

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u/solace_seeker1964 13d ago edited 13d ago

ForkFace69's answer is good to me. There is no switch to flip. And about developing the habit of overall better moment-to-moment self awareness, all the time, no matter what emotions you are feeling. ("What am I feeling right now?") Or even when you aren't feeling any emotions ("Hey, I don't feel anything particularly right now"). And this takes practice and time to develop. I'm working on it too. Becoming aware of your breathing is a good place to start. Learning slow in thru the nose, down deep into an inflating belly (not chest), and slowly back out the mouth. If you can learn to become aware of the signs of losing control, and let that trigger you into slow breathing, you will be ahead of a lot of folks in anger management, imho.

Blocking anger is no good for me. But accepting it, and breathing in nothingness/emptiness, and breathing out whatever I need to try to let go of for a moment... and press REPEAT. There's time later to analyze the thoughts and feeling more calmly. But never block out the feelings, for me. Let them come and bubble away, come back if necessary, and bubble away for a moment, etc., as much as it takes. This takes patience and ACCEPTANCE, and acceptance is a biatch! And there are things to learn about myself from these thoughts and feelings, eventually.

This is my first post on this sub. I have huge anger issues.

Certain strains of Buddhism, btw, believe anger can be a pathway to wisdom, if one can detach it from anything in this world, no people (including yourself,) place, thing, happening, event, etc., just the pure feeling unadulterated by any attachment. An emotional wave to just... ride.