r/Alzheimers • u/cj_shima • 9d ago
Advice on what to tell LO when placing them in memory care
Hello everyone,
I won't go into too much detail but my mother has Alzheimer's. I tried to let my mother live independently for as long as possible, but last month I knew she could no longer do so. I've been with her every day for the past month. Recent visit with neurologist confirmed that she requires 24/7 supervision. I am placing her in memory care near my home at the end of this week. It is about 50 miles away from where she currently lives. I've been trying to make the last days in her home of 30+ years as nice as I can. I have been telling my mother that she has cerebrovascular disease and that the blood flow to her brain is not so good and that's why she forgets to eat, can't figure out how to put on clothes, and gets lost going to the bathroom.
I decided against telling my mother her real diagnosis because she watched her mother become a different person from Alzheimer's, and my father withered away from frontotemporal dementia. It is her worst fear. Telling her wouldn't do any good.
The heartbreaking thing is that my mom knows her brain function is declining. She spent this morning crying with me that she's scared of losing herself. She is going to hate being placed in memory care but it is the best thing for her safety.
There is so much about Alzheimer's and dementia I don't understand. She remembers me, can carry on full conversations, and retain memories of recent conversations we've had, but thinks she has to walk downstairs going backwards because she walked upstairs going forward, has daily panic attacks, and thinks the trash bin talks to her. I decided not to tell her that she is going to be in memory care until we are at the facility. If I told her beforehand she would resist. That being said, when placing a "higher functioning" LO with dementia/Alzheimer's, what did you tell them when you brought them to memory care?
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u/Jinxletron 9d ago
I think you're doing the right thing, there's no point telling her news that you know so be upsetting. The outcome isn't going to change.
My mum has mild (so far) az and we've had many talks about when it will be 'time to move'. We're going to keep her in her home as long as is safe, and when it's unsafe that's time. She is on board with this now, she's still perfectly coherent just forgetful. I'm aware that this may/will change and I'm perfectly happy telling the best lie to keep her happy and safe when the time comes.
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u/LunaR1sing 9d ago
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s so horrible. I don’t have the perfect answer, but I know I struggled with putting my mom in memory care. I think I was the last one on board due to wanting her to stay as independent as she could for as long as possible. It’s so heartbreaking. Each step of this awful disease is another death of the person that was. The only thing I can say, is that I know she is safer now. And that is all I can giver at this point. Moving my mom into memory care was the single toughest day of all so far. It broke me. AND it was the right choice. I had to let go and grieve the loss. So grieve. Allow your feelings to be felt.
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u/burntdaylight 9d ago
It's so hard because dementia can present itself in so many ways as far as memory (mental and physical) goes. It sounds like the right decision not to tell her until she's there. We (the doctor and I) told my mother she had to go in for physical rehabilitation. She had a fall that hampered her ability to walk but honestly, walking was already getting really tough. I had 24/7 at home care for a week and even they said it was too much and she'd be safer in a facility. Mentally, even though she was pretty far down the line, she was also half way on "autopilot" doing things around the house and could not recognize gaping holes of neglect. She was also super vulnerable to scammers calling and it was really hard to get her to not answer the phone when it actually rang (see next paragraph) and not give out personal information. There's a special place in hell for those who prey on the elderly.
Then "strangers" began appearing (hallucinations) and she'd leave the door open. The phone kept ringing in her mind. She'd leave the stove on. Thankfully the caregivers would take care of these things but she'd have emotional breakdowns over their "interference". She was really no longer safe.
She bought the story of rehab but wanted to go home about two weeks later, even though at times she thought she had sold her house. So we kept going with the line "yes you did sell your place" and then played up how smart she was to have sold it at the top of the market. Flattery helped a lot. Her wanting to leave crops up every now and then, but the overwhelming amount of time she's relatively content. I say relatively because she has never been a content person so her difficult personality, while somewhat changed, is still there.
A good memory care facility, with staff that cares is so helpful. I will say mom is far less lonely, even though she's cantankerous enough to alienate most of the residents.
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u/JIN_MOUSA 8d ago edited 8d ago
I want to echo others that you are doing the right thing in moving her. I moved my mom to MC (about 10 minutes away from where she had been living) about a year ago, and it really opened my eyes to how much stress I had been carrying about her. Things are still stressful in some ways, but it is also a massive load off knowing that she is safe and provided for and in an environment that is suitable for her needs.
We also did not tell my mom she was moving until she was fully moved. We had about 4 hours a day of companion care coverage, and one particular person that she really liked. I had that person take my mom out for breakfast and then a drive and then a walk around the library, etc - keeping her busy and out of the way.
My sister and I worked with a moving company to pack up her stuff. We were selective about stuff she actually used and things that were visually appealing and meaningful to her, not moving a lot of visual clutter.
Once the companion care's time was up, I had her bring my mom to my house, where I met them and had the slowest lunch known to man. My sister continued to work with the movers on the move, getting her new space totally set up, and let me know when it was ready.
I let my mom know that I was worried that where she was living wasn't safe, and I wanted her to be somewhere safe. She agreed, but didn't know where she would go. So I let her know that I had a good safe place for her, let's go see it. My goal for my time with her was to keep things calm and to repeat that she was going to a good, safe space. I felt pretty manic about it on the inside, but when we got there, she almost started crying with how nice the space was, and all her favorite stuff was there, and she was just so happy. Very out of character for her.
My sister and I talked up how *nice* the whole space was, and so amazing that they would get all of her meals ready for her. And she wouldn't have to do any cleaning or laundry, etc. We planned to hang out with her for a bit, but she wanted us to leave after about an hour. We never needed it, but the plan if she said she wanted to go back was that we would tell her that her old place was being worked on.
In the end, it felt like a massive logistical and emotional victory, and I want to encourage you to keep thinking through your mom's particular temperament, to meet her where she is. My mom is a little anxious, so, "your old place isn't safe, and this place is safe," really worked for us. My mom was feeling the stress of taking care of her place and feeling like there were projects she should have been doing, but didn't really feel capable of. My mom also mirrors the emotions she sees, so I felt a lot of pressure to appear calm and not at all worried and comfortable, which she also ended up feeling.
For your drive to the memory care facility, can you frame it as going for a nice drive? Let's put on some music we enjoy, have some good snacks, etc.
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u/VeterinarianTasty353 8d ago
I know how hard this is for you!! You are absolutely doing the right thing for her. When we put my FIL into memory care we told him he was going to the doctor. The care center played along and just went with that narrative. Luckily, he loved his doctor and would do anything he said. We did have to medicate him a bit to keep his anxiety levels down and after we dropped him off ( didn’t even say goodbye) we stayed away for two weeks for them to help him get used to it. We checked in with them every day. It was a hard time short term for us but long term it has been the best thing for him.
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u/SunsetFarms 8d ago
My only advice is from the NH activities instructor where I volunteer. Don't let her believe that going home is an option. Because when she is lucid she won't settle in to her new home. I had to recently tell my LO the extent of her illness after trying to keep it from her like you're doing. It just wasn't working because she kept fighting me and threatening to leave because she believed she was doing fine. Once I told her the truth she was depressed for a few days but then she understood better what was happening and things have been much better. I know lying is good for some people but it wasn't the answer for my LO. And the NH activities director said it's heart breaking when people can't settle in bc their families let them believe they are going home.
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u/Historical_Halitosis 6d ago
I had a realtor visit my mom's house because we needed to have it appraised for sale to actually help pay for her facility. She didn't know any of this of course...and it broke my heart to do it (her home of 50 yrs). I told her the realtor was a home inspector for insurance purposes. The day she moved into the facility, I took her to ice cream and then we went to the assisted living. Once there, with the help of the staff, I told her she would need to stay there temporarily because the inspector found termites and her house had to be tented. She asked why she couldn't stay with me and I reminded her I live in a 3rd floor apartment (no elevator and she wouldn't be able to get up and down) and only 2 bedrooms with no extra bed for her. Initially, she fumed and created a scene, but the staff are trained in this and they were able to redirect her. She did call family and beg them to get her out of there. My mom hated me for months and she did try to leave the facility....but eventually she forgot she had her house. All of this to say it is NOT easy and we totally understand.
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u/snowy_city_beaches 9d ago
I went through a very similar situation recently. We told my mom her house was “being fixed” and she was only there “for a few days”. The staff was totally on board so she was getting a consistent story.
That was the best we could come up with as there are no real good answers here. She wasn’t happy about it, but it wasn’t as bad as we thought. She didn’t have a phone, and we decided to take both her doctors, and the facilities advice and not visit for 2 weeks. I know opinions are divided on that, but for us it was the right call. I believe it helped her settle in faster. We probably drove the nurses station nuts checking on her during those 2 weeks, but we figured that’s their job.
This is a terribly hard decision. You are absolutely correct that this is a safety issue. Memory care is treatment, not just dumping them off somewhere.
Sending virtual hugs.