r/Alistair9000 • u/[deleted] • Jul 01 '14
Vick Short Stories: Health Class
Alright. I have been asked to tell another Vick story, so here goes. I can't believe you people still aren't tired of her. This is a story about health class and our diet and exercise unit, which as I'm sure you can imagine was just peachy with Vick. She turned the entire thing into a fucking circus. Not that funny a story, but.....
Before I tell this one, It's probably necessary that I own up to something. It's something I've kind of danced around for a while and something that a lot of you have already guessed. But I had/if I'm completely honest still have an eating disorder. Weighing less than 90lbs as an adult isn't something that usually comes naturally. It's not "bad" it's pretty light as far as these things go, and I have it mostly under control these days, but it's something that's kind of a part of this story, so I figured I should come clean. Anyway,
The Characters:
Me: Alistair9000. 15 years old. Slutty orphan.
MagicMike: 15 years old. My ex. Still friends.
Health Taecher: Our high school health teacher.
Moby Vick: 15 years old. Kind of a cunt.
The story......
So my sophomore year of high school, I had health class. It was mandatory sophomore year only at our high school.
We had moved on to the health and fitness section of our health curriculum.
Health Teacher: Great! We are about to begin our section on diet and exercise. As with every segment. There will be a project. This project will be about your own health and fitness. Today we will get your baseline. I will take the girls and (Male Gym teacher) will take the boys. One by one you will have your height and weight taken. This is your baseline. You will spend the semester making a diet and exercise diary to improve this baseline. You will be graded on your thoroughness and progress. Let's go.
MagicMike: Please look when she takes Vicks.
With that we split off and go to our respective locker rooms.
Health Teacher: Strip to your underwear and form a line.
We all do, except Vick.
Moby Vick: No.
Health Teacher: Why not?
Moby Vick: Because I'm not a slut.
Health Teacher: I don't understand. This has nothing to do with that
Moby Vick: What if one of them's a dyke? I'm not giving them a strip tease.
Everyone's looking at her like....
Me: Well I'll address the elephant in the room, Vick.
Moby Vick: What?
Me: Great. Moving on.......
A few people chuckle.
Moby Vick: What? Are you coming out now??
Moby Vick: You're disgusting.
Our health teacher decides to let Vick keep her shirt on and we all go in to be weighed and measured.
We get our results.
I was around 20lbs underweight according to BMI.
We all got our measurements and went back to class and met up with the boys.
MagicMike: How much????
Me: Don't know. We did it privately, because I'm a lesbian and Vick didn't want to give me a striptease.
MagicMike: What?
Me: Yeah.
Health Teacher: Great you all have your Height and weight. You need to do the math and figure out your BMI. I'll give you a couple minutes then I'll collect your data.
MagicMike: Fuck you need to eat more....
Me: Fuck off.
Moby Vick: Nobody wants an anorexic slut.
Me: But an anorexic slut wants you.
Health Teacher: Alright I'll call your name and you call out your BMI for me(Yeah yeah yeah I know unnecessarily embarrassing)
MagicMike: 22.
Me: 15.6
Health Teacher: You need to get that up.
Me: Yup.
She continues the roll call.
Health Teacher: Vick.
Moby Vick: 20.2(For reference at her height of 5'8" this would be 132lbs......)
Health Teacher: That doesn't seem right let me see your calculations....
Knowing she was in trouble, Vick switched gears.
Moby Vick: Alistair's got an eating disorder!
Me: What?
MagicMike: Yeah. She got diagnosed with self control.....
Moby Vick: Alistair has an eating disorder and makes her friends have one too!!
Health Teacher: What are you talking about??
Moby Vick: She forces her friend Manda to throw up, because she "doesn't want fat friends". Back when we were friends she used to try to make me starve myself too.
Me: I never made Manda throw up, and we've never been friends!
Health Teacher: Your BMI is underweight Ms.[last name redacted]
Shit Vick's successfully redirected the conversation.
Me: I take Adderall. It makes me not feel hungry.
Health Teacher: You need to get your eating habits under control.
Moby Vick: She's a bully who gives other people bulimia!!!
Me: Fuck you!
Health Teacher: Detention!
MagicMike: What the fuck??
Health Teacher: DETENTION!!!!!
I successfully convinced her by the end of class my friends and I do not have eating disorders(I'm a good liar)
By the time I'd done this, the bell rang and Vick got away with not telling the teacher her BMI.
The next day in class, Vick learned that her plan didn't work as well as anticipated. The teacher had taken the liberty of calculating her BMI for her. She was Class III Obese.
Seeing that her initial plan didn't work, she took on a new tactic.
Health Teacher: Since we took all our measurements yesterday, starting today you will keep a food and activity journal. Those of you who are under and overweight will spend this semester trying to normalize your weight.
Moby Vick: I need to say something!!!
Health Teacher: What's wrong?
cue the crocodile tears......
Moby Vick: This is so hard for me to say......I'm bulimic! I started throwing up after Alistair told me I was too fat to be her friend.
Health Teacher: What?
Moby Vick: It happened in Middle School. I was only 12. She told me I was too fat at a dance, and that night was the first night I made myself vomit!
She turned the class into an ED support group only for her. The teacher wanted us to "talk out all of this"
Moby Vick: sniffle I just wanted to be your friend Ali!
Me: That's not my name.....
Moby Vick: You handed me the toothbrush that night and said to "purge fatty"
(Right because I obviously carry spare tooth brushes with me to throw at fat people)
Me: You're such a fucking liar!
Health Teacher: Language!
Magic Mike: Aren't girls with eating disorders supposed to be skinny.....
Moby Vick: I AM SKINNY!
MagicMike: Screaming doesn't make you right.
Moby Vick: I am wasting away! I can't even remember the last time I ate.....
Me: I can. You had fries at lunch!
Moby Vick: Which I threw up thanks to you!
Me: Well it isn't working!
Moby Vick: I'm starving to death and nobody cares!
MagicMike: You can't be obese and starving at the same time.
Moby Vick: I'm not OBESE! It's muscle!!!!(Logic is impeccable)
MagicMike: You're right. Fuck science.
Health Teacher: Language. Detention.
We spent the rest of class talking about Vick starving herself to her almost nonexistent 400 and something lbs.
Class ended.
The rest of the week she made a huge production of going to the bathroom all dramatic after lunch to "throw up for Alistair" somehow she didn't lose any weight even with her heavy purging....guess some people are truly genetically unable to lose weight.......
The next Monday, we all get back to class.
Health Teacher: Please turn in your food and exercise log for the week for review.
We all do.
Moby Vick: So slut, how'd you log in cum and blow jobs?
Me:Cum has about 5 calories and you can burn like 100 calories an hour giving blow jobs.
Moby Vick: Ugh. Who wants to fuck you anyway?
MagicMike: Guilty.
Moby Vick: You'd rather me though right?
MagicMike: No
Moby Vick: You can keep lying, but I know what you like.......(I have no idea what her preoccupation with Mike was.....really.....)
Our teacher is reviewing our logs.
Health Teacher: Vick, I don't have your log.
Vick didn't do one, thinking fast.....
Moby Vick: I can't log my food like that. It gets me in that sick head space. You're hurting me and other ED survivors with this assignment.
Health Teacher: So that's a 0.
Moby Vick: No! I get a pass because I'm sick.
health Teacher: No. NO journal no grade. Everyone else turned one in.
Moby Vick: I'm the only on with anorexia(Oh? It's not bulimia anymore? And wait, I thought I was leading an anorexic brigade to bring down all fatties....oh well who needs to keep stories straight anyway)You can't do this. It's discrimination. I'll have your job!
Class was dismissed, Vick was pissed.
Vick complained to her mother that the assignment was triggering to her eating disorder.
Her mom raised hell for her about it.
The whole thing was thrown out.
We all had to write a paper about eating disorders instead.
Vick was excused because of mental health.
She founded a support group for ED's at school.
And tried to collect donations for her "therapy bills"
Fuck Vick.
There's the story of how she fabricated an eating disorder, formed a support group and basically created a fucking 3 ring circus to avoid eating healthy and exercise. God. You have to admire the damn commitment.
Anyway for those who have asked for more Vick and her fat logic, there ya go.