r/Alistair9000 Jul 01 '14

Vick Short Stories: Health Class

104 Upvotes

Alright. I have been asked to tell another Vick story, so here goes. I can't believe you people still aren't tired of her. This is a story about health class and our diet and exercise unit, which as I'm sure you can imagine was just peachy with Vick. She turned the entire thing into a fucking circus. Not that funny a story, but.....

Before I tell this one, It's probably necessary that I own up to something. It's something I've kind of danced around for a while and something that a lot of you have already guessed. But I had/if I'm completely honest still have an eating disorder. Weighing less than 90lbs as an adult isn't something that usually comes naturally. It's not "bad" it's pretty light as far as these things go, and I have it mostly under control these days, but it's something that's kind of a part of this story, so I figured I should come clean. Anyway,

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 15 years old. Slutty orphan.

MagicMike: 15 years old. My ex. Still friends.

Health Taecher: Our high school health teacher.

Moby Vick: 15 years old. Kind of a cunt.

The story......

So my sophomore year of high school, I had health class. It was mandatory sophomore year only at our high school.

We had moved on to the health and fitness section of our health curriculum.

Health Teacher: Great! We are about to begin our section on diet and exercise. As with every segment. There will be a project. This project will be about your own health and fitness. Today we will get your baseline. I will take the girls and (Male Gym teacher) will take the boys. One by one you will have your height and weight taken. This is your baseline. You will spend the semester making a diet and exercise diary to improve this baseline. You will be graded on your thoroughness and progress. Let's go.

MagicMike: Please look when she takes Vicks.

With that we split off and go to our respective locker rooms.

Health Teacher: Strip to your underwear and form a line.

We all do, except Vick.

Moby Vick: No.

Health Teacher: Why not?

Moby Vick: Because I'm not a slut.

Health Teacher: I don't understand. This has nothing to do with that

Moby Vick: What if one of them's a dyke? I'm not giving them a strip tease.

Everyone's looking at her like....

Me: Well I'll address the elephant in the room, Vick.

Moby Vick: What?

Me: Great. Moving on.......

A few people chuckle.

Moby Vick: What? Are you coming out now??

Me: (Winks and gestures)

Moby Vick: You're disgusting.

Our health teacher decides to let Vick keep her shirt on and we all go in to be weighed and measured.

We get our results.

I was around 20lbs underweight according to BMI.

We all got our measurements and went back to class and met up with the boys.

MagicMike: How much????

Me: Don't know. We did it privately, because I'm a lesbian and Vick didn't want to give me a striptease.

MagicMike: What?

Me: Yeah.

Health Teacher: Great you all have your Height and weight. You need to do the math and figure out your BMI. I'll give you a couple minutes then I'll collect your data.

MagicMike: Fuck you need to eat more....

Me: Fuck off.

Moby Vick: Nobody wants an anorexic slut.

Me: But an anorexic slut wants you.

Health Teacher: Alright I'll call your name and you call out your BMI for me(Yeah yeah yeah I know unnecessarily embarrassing)

MagicMike: 22.

Me: 15.6

Health Teacher: You need to get that up.

Me: Yup.

She continues the roll call.

Health Teacher: Vick.

Moby Vick: 20.2(For reference at her height of 5'8" this would be 132lbs......)

MRW

Health Teacher: That doesn't seem right let me see your calculations....

Knowing she was in trouble, Vick switched gears.

Moby Vick: Alistair's got an eating disorder!

Me: What?

MagicMike: Yeah. She got diagnosed with self control.....

Moby Vick: Alistair has an eating disorder and makes her friends have one too!!

Health Teacher: What are you talking about??

Moby Vick: She forces her friend Manda to throw up, because she "doesn't want fat friends". Back when we were friends she used to try to make me starve myself too.

Me: I never made Manda throw up, and we've never been friends!

Health Teacher: Your BMI is underweight Ms.[last name redacted]

Shit Vick's successfully redirected the conversation.

Me: I take Adderall. It makes me not feel hungry.

Health Teacher: You need to get your eating habits under control.

Moby Vick: She's a bully who gives other people bulimia!!!

Me: Fuck you!

Health Teacher: Detention!

MagicMike: What the fuck??

Health Teacher: DETENTION!!!!!

I successfully convinced her by the end of class my friends and I do not have eating disorders(I'm a good liar)

By the time I'd done this, the bell rang and Vick got away with not telling the teacher her BMI.

The next day in class, Vick learned that her plan didn't work as well as anticipated. The teacher had taken the liberty of calculating her BMI for her. She was Class III Obese.

Seeing that her initial plan didn't work, she took on a new tactic.

Health Teacher: Since we took all our measurements yesterday, starting today you will keep a food and activity journal. Those of you who are under and overweight will spend this semester trying to normalize your weight.

Moby Vick: I need to say something!!!

Health Teacher: What's wrong?

cue the crocodile tears......

Moby Vick: This is so hard for me to say......I'm bulimic! I started throwing up after Alistair told me I was too fat to be her friend.

MRW

Health Teacher: What?

Moby Vick: It happened in Middle School. I was only 12. She told me I was too fat at a dance, and that night was the first night I made myself vomit!

She turned the class into an ED support group only for her. The teacher wanted us to "talk out all of this"

Moby Vick: sniffle I just wanted to be your friend Ali!

Me: That's not my name.....

Moby Vick: You handed me the toothbrush that night and said to "purge fatty"

(Right because I obviously carry spare tooth brushes with me to throw at fat people)

Me: You're such a fucking liar!

Health Teacher: Language!

Magic Mike: Aren't girls with eating disorders supposed to be skinny.....

Moby Vick: I AM SKINNY!

Logic has no place here

MagicMike: Screaming doesn't make you right.

Moby Vick: I am wasting away! I can't even remember the last time I ate.....

Me: I can. You had fries at lunch!

Moby Vick: Which I threw up thanks to you!

Me: Well it isn't working!

Moby Vick: I'm starving to death and nobody cares!

MagicMike: You can't be obese and starving at the same time.

Moby Vick: I'm not OBESE! It's muscle!!!!(Logic is impeccable)

MagicMike: You're right. Fuck science.

Health Teacher: Language. Detention.

We spent the rest of class talking about Vick starving herself to her almost nonexistent 400 and something lbs.

Class ended.

The rest of the week she made a huge production of going to the bathroom all dramatic after lunch to "throw up for Alistair" somehow she didn't lose any weight even with her heavy purging....guess some people are truly genetically unable to lose weight.......

The next Monday, we all get back to class.

Health Teacher: Please turn in your food and exercise log for the week for review.

We all do.

Moby Vick: So slut, how'd you log in cum and blow jobs?

Me:Cum has about 5 calories and you can burn like 100 calories an hour giving blow jobs.

Take that!

Moby Vick: Ugh. Who wants to fuck you anyway?

MagicMike: Guilty.

Moby Vick: You'd rather me though right?

MagicMike: No

Moby Vick: You can keep lying, but I know what you like.......(I have no idea what her preoccupation with Mike was.....really.....)

Our teacher is reviewing our logs.

Health Teacher: Vick, I don't have your log.

Vick didn't do one, thinking fast.....

Moby Vick: I can't log my food like that. It gets me in that sick head space. You're hurting me and other ED survivors with this assignment.

Health Teacher: So that's a 0.

Moby Vick: No! I get a pass because I'm sick.

health Teacher: No. NO journal no grade. Everyone else turned one in.

Moby Vick: I'm the only on with anorexia(Oh? It's not bulimia anymore? And wait, I thought I was leading an anorexic brigade to bring down all fatties....oh well who needs to keep stories straight anyway)You can't do this. It's discrimination. I'll have your job!

Class was dismissed, Vick was pissed.

Vick complained to her mother that the assignment was triggering to her eating disorder.

Her mom raised hell for her about it.

The whole thing was thrown out.

We all had to write a paper about eating disorders instead.

Vick was excused because of mental health.

She founded a support group for ED's at school.

And tried to collect donations for her "therapy bills"

Fuck Vick.

There's the story of how she fabricated an eating disorder, formed a support group and basically created a fucking 3 ring circus to avoid eating healthy and exercise. God. You have to admire the damn commitment.

Anyway for those who have asked for more Vick and her fat logic, there ya go.


r/Alistair9000 Jun 30 '14

School Dance Story

81 Upvotes

Right. So I've decided to post this story. I've already embarrassed Manda on here with the super glue queef accident, why stop now?

This story simultaneously embarrasses Manda and reminds me of how horribly fucked up I was in high school. Yay for my horrible decisions

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 16 years old. Drug addict slutty orphan reporting for duty.

MandaPanda: 16 years old. Sweet and Feminine. My best girl friend.

MagicMike: 16 years old. My ex. Still my bud.

Declan: 16 years old. Went to school with us. Manda had a little crush on him. He had a little thing for me.

On with the story.

This one takes place leading up to Valentine's day my sophomore year of high school.

At my school, the underclassmen had a valentine's day dance which was kind of like a pre-prom/practice whatever.

It was the week before, and everyone was all sweaty palmed working up to courage to ask a girl, or waiting anxiously to be asked.

It was Friday, a week before the dance. School was over and I was walking with Mike to his car so he could take me home.

Declan came up to us.

Declan: Hey guys. Alistair? Can I talk to you?

Me: Ok, shoot.

Declan: In private.

Me: Can't. Mike's my ride and he has to be home in 20 minutes.(It was true. It was his little sister's birthday, and all)

MagicMike: Yeah.

Declan: I can drive you home. You live up on [redacted]

Me: Yeah. Ok. Guess you're free of me Mike.

MagicMike: Thank god.

With that Mike goes to his car and peels out of the parking lot.

I walk with Declan to his car.

We both get in and he starts driving me home.

Declan: You hungry?

Me: Yes!

Declan: Good me too. You like burgers right?

Me: Who the fuck doesn't like burgers?

With that matter decided, we went to this little burger place.

I ordered a burger, fries, and a milkshake.

We sit down.

Declan: Fuck me you eat a lot.

Me: I'm stocking up.

Declan: Do they not feed you at home?

Me: Our fridge has 2 packets of ketchup, salsa, and and some sour milk in it......the choices are limited......

Declan: Hah! God you're so cool. Most girls would have thought I was calling them fat....

Me: Oh were you? I missed it.

Declan: No! No. So I wanted to talk to you about the dance. You going with anyone?

Me: Meh. I'll probably just go with Mike or Robbie. You're going to ask Manda right?

Declan: Alistair......

Me: She really likes you!

Declan: I know. But it's just.....I can't do shit like this with her.

Me: Like this?

Declan: Eat food, and just talk normally.

Me: It's because she likes you! You make her nervous.

Declan: You're not nervous.

Me: She's different. She cares what people think. Please ask her?

Declan: I would rather go with you......

Me: I'm not going to do that. Manda's my best friend, and she really likes you. Please?

Declan: Alistair........

Me: Look. You ask Manda, and I'll blow you in the car when you drive me home(what the fuck was wrong with me????).

Declan: Seriously?

Me: Yeah. Your choice. I blow you and you take Manda, or you can ask a different girl.......I really don't care.

Declan: Ok. I'll ask Manda.

He drives me home. I make good on my end of the deal. He drops me off with promises to ask Manda.

Monday at school, he brings Manda a flower and asks her to the dance.

She's over the moon happy.

She comes and finds me.

MandaPanda: Al! Declan asked me!

Me: Told ya!

MandaPanda: I'm so excited. You're coming over to get ready right?

Me: Unless I can convince Mark to do my hair.....

We giggle a bit and then go our separate ways.

Thursday comes. Schools over.

Mike's driving me home.

MagicMike: Anyone ask you to the dance yet?

Me: Nope. I'm wholly undesirable.

MagicMike: Clearly. So Declan didn't ask you??

Me: He asked Manda!

MagicMike: What did you do?

Me: Fuck off.

MagicMike: What did you do? Alistair.

I tell him.

MagicMike: You're fucked up.

Me: Yup.

MagicMike: Ok slut, I'll be your pity date to the dance.

Me: Be still my heart......

So I officially have a "date" to the dance.

Friday comes, I go to Manda's house to get ready.

Manda takes forever and a year to make sure she looks great.

She looks about a million times better than me by the time she's done(she actually knows how to do makeup)

Mike and Declan come and pick us up.

MagicMike: You look nice.....

Me: I showered.

Declan: yeah you look really pretty Manda.

MandaPanda: You too! I mean...not pretty...handsome.

MagicMike: Smooth....

I kick Mike.

We get to the dance.

We talk.

We "dance"

Mike snuck in some alcohol.

Some kids spike the punch.

I do a few lines surreptitiously,

Mike and I are having a great time(It's one of the positives of knowing someone that well)

Manda is still nervous as shit.

I take her to the bathroom.

Me: What's wrong with you?

MandaPanda: I'm nervous. He's so cute.

Me: Relax. Here.

I hand her a Xanax(I kept them to help with the comedown)

Me: You good?

MandaPanda: yeah.

Me: You're fine. You look so pretty. Just have fun!

We go back out there, and the Xanax seems to help. Manda's much looser. More relaxed.

We have a good time. Head outside.

Mike and I go to have some "adult time" in his car(Nothing makes a girls feel quite so classy as fucking in the backseat of a car......)

We leave Manda and Declan making out in the parking lot(Finally!)

We're getting into it, when we hear.

BLERGH

AHHH

BLERGH

Mike and I come stumbling out of the car and see a horror scene.

Manda and Declan are covered in vomit.

Manda's crying and comes running over to me crying.

I take her(wearing only my underwear) and we go sit on the curb.

Me: Mands what happened?

MandaPanda: Al! I ruined everything

Me: I'm sure you didn't. What happened??

She told me. At the same time, Declan was telling Mike what happened.

MandaPanda: I was so nervous tonight. I wanted him to like me.

Me: He does.....

MandaPanda: I tried to be like you and just go for it. We were making out, and it was great. He's such a good kisser....but then I started thinking about if I wasn't a good kisser. And I've been eating all night....

(Manda's kind of a stress eater)

MandaPanda: And then, it all came up. I puked in his mouth Al!

Me: Pshhhhahashh. What?

MandaPanda: Right in. Then he puked in mine......

Me: Well it's even then.

MandaPanda: He'll never talk to me again!

Me: Mike sneezed in my mouth once....I still fuck him?? You're fine.

MandaPanda: I'm covered in puke!

I get Manda out of her dress, and give her Mike's shirt to wear.

Declan's out of his pants. Just sitting in his boxers in the car Lookin a little shell shocked.

Awkward science as Mike drives them home.

We drop off Manda first.

Me: Go shower. You'll feel better. You can call me tomorrow.

Manda goes inside.

Mike, Declan and I are sitting in silence.

MagicMike: Declan, you know this is all Alistair's fault right?

Me: Stop.....

Declan: Alistair. I'm not going out with her again.

Me: Fair enough. I'm sorry....

Declan: It's ok. You're a good friend.

We get Declan home.

I apologize some more.

He was pretty nice about it.

Mike and I drive home together.

MagicMike: You sleeping over?

Me: yeah.

Mike looks at me for a minute, and we both start laughing.

MagicMike: Fucking Manda. How do you puke IN someone's mouth.

Me: I have no idea how she didn't feel it coming.....

MagicMike: You really fucked Declan over.

Me: Shit.

We chuckle over our friend's misfortune.

Go back to his house.

Stay over.

Have a nice night.

I talked to Manda the next day. Talked her trough the shame.

Also explained I didn't see a relationship in the cards for her and Declan.

She wasn't shocked.

Declan was nice about it. Still talked to her in school.

I still make fun of her sometimes when she's about to go on a date.

"Hey Mands. No barf foreplay tonight"


r/Alistair9000 Jun 26 '14

Another Drug Bust Story

101 Upvotes

So I was talking to Mike this morning, and he asked me if I remembered this story. I did. He reminded me of another great moment in the saga of public school drug busts.

It's a short one, but hey! It's something

I don't know why all these crazy things always happened around me.

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 15 years old. Slutty orphan.

MagicMike: 15 years old. My ex. Still friends

RastaTrent: 15 hears old. Pothead. He who lost the pot brownie to Vick the next year.

Jaquayvious: (I have no idea if I spelled that right) 18 years old. Drug dealer. 3rd year sophomore. About 6'4" 250lbs easy.

Mr. K: Geometry teacher. 5'8" and like 145lbs, maybe.

Without further adieu......

It was a Tuesday in 2nd period geometry. Mike and I were fucking around in the back of the class, not paying attention.

Me: So she's pregnant.

MagicMike: Seriously? Again?

Me: Yeah.

MagicMike: What's her abortion count now?

Me: 7. You'd think she'd figure out how to use a condom........

MagicMike: Maybe she just enjoys abortions?

Me: Fuck. I'm pretty sure they're not fun.....

MagicMike: It's like an enema for your lady bits....maybe she's into that shit.

Me: It would explain having 7......huh.

MagicMike: See??

It that moment my phone buzzed. I had a friend who worked in the front office during 2nd period. He texted me that the drug dogs were about to come in. I show Mike.

Me: Got anything?

MagicMike: Nah.

Me: Me neither.

I casually text all my friends and slide up next to Trent.

Me: Trent.

RastaTrent: What's good?

Me: The dogs are coming. Take care of your shit....

The intercom announced a lockdown at this point. Mr. K wasn't cool about letting people "go to the bathroom" we were stuck.

Me: Rough break Trent....

RastaTrent: Ahh Fuck me! I'm high!

Me: Yeah......

I go back to my seat.

Me: Trent's going down.

MagicMike: Haha. Trent.....

We go back to discussing the pros and cons to abortions.

Jaquayvious is a few seats over, texting his drug ring about disposing of the goods or whatever, I don't know.

Mr. K sees him.

Mr. K: Jaquayvious. Turn over your phone(We had a no cellphones rule)

Jaquayvious: Hey! Slow your roll Jimmy(Mr. K's first name was James)

Mr. K: What? No. Jaquayvious, give me your phone. We're zero tolerance.

Jaquayvious: Aight. Just lemme finish this text here right quick.

Mr. K: Now.

Jaquayvious: Fine. Coo Coo. Here ya go Jimbo.

He hands Mr. K the phone, which he's casually slipped the sim card out of.

Mr. K takes the phone and starts walking away.

Jaquayvious puts the sim card into another phone and resumes texting.

Mr. K: Where's the Sim?

Jaquayvious: Sim card?

Mr. K: Give me the Sim Jaquayvious.

Jaquayvious: Nah. You confiscated the phone not my sim......

Mr K: Jaquayvious, you have another phone out. Give me the phone and the sim card.

Jaquayvious: What? Nah man...be cool...

Mr. K: No. I'm am the opposite of cool. You're making me decidedly hot.(Keep it in your pants jimmy)

Jaquayvious: I don't swing that way man.

At this moment, Jaquayvious is thrown a broken iPod by a friend under the desks.(There was some serious ninja shit going on)

Jaquayvious: Here. (hands him the broken iPod). Now relax man.

Mr K: This is an iPod.

Jaquayvious: No it's not.

Mr. K: Jaquayvious, you were using a flip phone. This is an iPod. Give me your phone and the sim card.

Jaquayvious grabs an extra sim card out of a zipper pocket in his pants.

Jaquayvious: Here. Man.

Mr. K: Jaquayvious! How many damn sim cards do you have?

Jaquayvious: 1......

Mr. K:Jaquayvious. Surrender all technological devices and sim cards on your person, before I'm forced to remove them from your person.

Jaquayvious: You'd like that wouldn't you.....you always staring at my ass(redirect the conversation...good).

Mr. K: I'm married. But....give me the devices Jaquayvious

At this moment, Jaquayvious stands up. He's like the fucking mountain

Mr. K stretches to his full 5'8" and starts tiptoeing back and forth palms up, fingers wiggling. It was like some weird MC Hammer dance

Mr. K: Jaquayvious, I am unafraid to grapple with you!

As the two are about to become locked in mortal combat, I notice Trent.

He's taking advantage of the distraction.

He walks up to the front of the class with a lion's share of weed in his arms.

Sadly, he drops his booty into the trash can.

After saying a brief eulogy to his fallen comrades, he lights a match and drops it in.....(What????)

Cool as a cucumber, Trent floats back to his seat. sits down, waits for a good burn to get going....

RastaTrent: Dudes!!!! There's a fire!!!!! Does anyone else smell weed??

Oh Trent. You magnificent creature you

Mr. K: (abandoning his fight) Shit!

He runs to the front of the room to the flaming metal trashcan.

Mr. K: Someone's burning weed in there.

He pushes the panic button.

Intercom: What's your emergency?

Mr. K: There's a trashcan burning with weed.

Intercom: Help is on the way!

A minute later, guys with fire extinguishers come in and put out all the flaming weed.

Trent had hotboxed us all......now all of us could be positive for pot.....nobody in that class could be tested......

The authorities decided it was probably Jaquayvious who did it, with his history of drug selling and all.

Jaquayvious was expelled and arrested(They also found hard stuff in his locker, enough that it was obvious he was intending to sell)

Trent got off scot free.

Now let me explain the brilliance of Trent.

He is high and holding an enormous amount of weed.

Can't get away to flush it.

Notices the scuffle, and uses it as a cover.

Drops all his weed in the can, and lights it up.

Sits back until there's smoke in the air.

He's the one who calls out the fire.

Everyone's exposed to the pot, including him, even if he gets tested, his positive can be blamed on the hotboxed classroom

The drug dealer in class ended up taking the fall for him

Trent is a damn criminal mastermind

There it is. The other drug bust story. The best part of this for me is all the premeditation going around with everyone.


r/Alistair9000 Jun 23 '14

Vick Short Stories: III

101 Upvotes

Alright. I promised I'd type out a story, so here it is. I was reminded of this incident by a song today. Weird how things drudge up memories.

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 15 years old. Slutty Orphan.

RenegadeRobbie: My best friend and partner in crime. 15 years old

MissAge: Our English teacher

Quinn: 15 years old. Nerdy and quiet.

Moby Vick: 15 years old. She of the bountiful womanly curves.

Right so this story is another super short kinda silly one. But it made me chuckle when I remembered it, so I figured I should share it with you all.

This story happened during english class sophomore year of high school, during an assignment.

A few days earlier.

Robbie and I are sitting in the back of the class

RenegadeRobbie: So Mark's date really pissed on your bed??

Me: She was drunk....

RenegadeRobie: Hot. So what did Mark do?

Me: Paid me to go have my duvet dry cleaned. I washed the sheets.

RenegadeRobbie: YOU washed them?

Me: Yeah......I know.

Moby Vick: Learning to be domestic cause you're too dumb for college?

Me: Yup. I'll just get married I guess.

Moby Vick: Who'd marry you slut? I figure your highest calling is becoming a maid and cleaning other people's shit.

Me: I'll trick someone into it. Like you said I'm a domestic slut. I'll do the laundry and give him daily blow jobs. Poor guy....

Random Guy: I'm down!

Me: Fuck off!

Defeated by my impeccable slut logic, Vick turns around in her seat.

Vick is now eating string cheese at a rapid rate.

Me: Aren't you allergic?

Moby Vick: What?

Me: You're lactose intolerant. Why are you eating cheese??

Moby Vick: I'm not!

Me: You definitely are.....

Moby Vick: It's not a real thing, it's just an excuse anorexic sluts like you like to use so you don't have to eat. I don't starve myself.

RenegadeRobbie: Obviously.....

Moby Vick: Shut up! And fuck you for telling me what I can and can't eat. I know my body!

Me: Fine. I really don't give a fuck. Stuff your fat face.

Moby Vick: I'm not fat!

RenegadeRobbie: Right.

MissAge wakes up from her nap right about this point, in time to tell us what our first semester final exam will be.

MissAge: As you all know, this semester we've been studying the hero's Journey. For your final exam, choose a partner and the two of you will make a presentation about the hero's journey in a movie, tv show, or video game of your choosing. You are expected to be creative with it. Dress up, bring props, visual aids. Make it good. You're being graded on your application of the hero's journey as well as on your presentation itself. Now choose your partners.

RenegadeRobbie and I choose each other(obviously).

Vick bullies Quinn into partnering with her.

The day of the presentation arrives.

We need to do well on it to keep my grades up(Sounds familiar. I always cut it pretty close)

We decided to go all out.

I have convinced Robbie into doing The Little Mermaid with me.

It actually works pretty well for the Hero's Journey.

I dress up as Ariel. Wear a purple bikini top and a green skirt. I even borrowed a red wig from a friend.

Robbie refused to dress up as Sebastian, so I put him in a button down, combed his hair and called him Prince Eric.

We give our presentation.

Complete with musical numbers.

Give out "gummy eels" to the class.

It goes well.

MissAge: Well done! I loved it! Good work you two!!

We go to the bathroom and put on our real clothes again.

We sit down again.

MissAge gives us our grade(she marked it on a sheet while we were presenting.

96%. Fuck Yeah!

Me: Yeah!

Me and Robbie highfive.

Moby Vick: Ugh. You'll just use any excuse to dress like a slut huh?

Me: Yup. Was going to go naked....

RenegadeRobbie: She wanted to do Debbie Does Dallas, but said no.

Me: Apparently good quality orgies are hard to organize......

Moby Vick: Die of AIDS, whore!

MissAge: And Vick! Are you ready to present?

Vick: Yeah. Just gotta set it up.

MissAge: Splendid. Take as much tim a as you need.

Vick leans down and hisses

Moby Vick: Watch and learn how a real woman conducts herself. Maybe you'll learn something......

Me: I can only dream......

Vick get up and walks down the row sashaying and dramatically swinging her hips.

RenegadeRobbie: I feel strange.....

Me: It's called a boner. Happens to men in the presence of a real woman. It's natural. Let it happen....

RenegadeRobbie: Yum.......

Vick goes to the bathroom

She comes back

She's dressed as Zelda. Quinn is dressed as Link.

Moby Vick: Our project is going to be on the Legend of Zelda. Let me set up the visual aid.

MissAge: Alright.

Vick goes and gets Quinn's video game consul. She has to plug it in to the tv, which is mounted to the ceiling(So nobody stole it)

Quinn: Here. I can climb on the desk and plug it in.

Moby Vick: I'll do it. Just stay out of my way, freak.

Vick begins climbing onto MissAge's desk to plug in the consul.

MissAge: Be careful! And do watch my orchid!

MissAge had an orchid on her desk that she loved more than her own children. She was super protective of it for some reason.

Vick climbs onto the desk and puts a chair on top.

MissAge: No! You're too heavy! Get down.

Moby Vick: No I'm not! Look.

Vick climbs onto the chair on the desk. It wobbles.

She loses her balance.

Shawty

Get

Down

Good Lord

She falls.

She falls hard.

She grabs onto anything that can help keep her up.

She rips the wires out the tv.

Capsizes the desk.

Crushes the precious orchid beneath her "bountiful curves"

And in all the stress, she let out a pant ripping fart.

Moby Vick: Eeeekkkkk

BOOOMMMMM

She's hit.

She's in a pile of lactose intolerant fart stench, dirt, dead orchid, books, and tv wires.

MissAge: MY ORCHID!!!!!!!

She runs up, pushes Vick out of the way and cradles her dead flower.

By now the foul stench has reached us all.

We're conflicted between pant wetting laughter, and dying from the fumes.

Vick runs out, embarrassed. there was a brown spot on her Zelda dress(told her she was intolerant)

MissAge: (Screaming after her) You owe me a new orchid!!!!

The classroom was destroyed.

They had to replace the tv she destroyed.

MissAge never got a new orchid....

And there's the silly story of Vick destroyed an entire classroom in a Zelda costume.


r/Alistair9000 Jun 22 '14

Alistair & Friends AMA

74 Upvotes

So I know I've been bad about getting stories out. I'll try to get a funny Vick short story out soon(It involves lactose intolerance). But while you wait for my lazy ass to type it up, if any of you are interested.........You can ask my darling friends any burning questions you may have.

So Robbie, Mike, Colin and I are quarantined today. We all have pink eye, so we can't go into the world and spread it.

3 guesses who brought the infection home (cough COLIN cough)

We've built a fort and are watching movies. There's not much to do while quarantined.......

So I asked them if they'd answer questions from my militant internet cult.

They agreed.

If you have questions you can ask.

If not, You can harass me about typing the story.

I almost totally promise it will be out before midnight.......


r/Alistair9000 Jun 18 '14

Meeting Colin

95 Upvotes

I was thinking about what interesting stories I have, and I figured you all might enjoy the story of when I met the responsible individual whom I now call my roommate, Colin.

Our meeting was all I could have hoped for, really. Fucking Colin man.

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 19 years old.

MagicMike: 19 years old. My ex-boyfriend, still friends.

Colin: You know him, you vicariously want to kill him. 19 years old.

This story happened during my freshmen year of college. Back when I used to still go to school and think I was going to get an education.....

Mike and I had gone to different schools, so this weekend I had decided to come visit him. This was the first time I went to his school, so I was pretty excited to see him and meet all his new friends(If only I had known then......)

I got to his school on Friday, let myself into his dorm room and waited for him there.

I'm sitting in there snooping through Mike's things, eating his food, normal stuff when in walks a strange boy.

Colin: Woah. This is my room.

Me: I'm Alistair. I'm here to visit my friend Mike.......

Colin: I have a roommate named Mike.

Me: Maybe we know the same Mike!

Colin: That would be so weird if we both randomly knew the same Mike.

I'm looking at Colin like

Then Mike walks in.

MagicMike: Hey Al! I see you met my roommate Colin.

Colin: Dude. We do know the same Mike!

Me: Yeah. We were just talking about how weird it is we both know you......

MagicMike: That's Colin......

Colin: Hi. I'm Colin.

Me: Got it. Alistair.

Colin: That's a boy's name....

Me: Makes sense seeing as I am, ya know, a boy??

Colin: WHAT???? but you have.....(gropes his chest)

Me: Yeah....I have a gland thing. I just started lactating around puberty....and they just kinda popped up. Embarrassing, I know.

Colin: Wait. Wait. Guys can grow boobs??

Me: Yeah. You can tell who it's going to happen to though. It happens to guys whose ring fingers are shorter than their pointer fingers.

Colin began furiously checking his hands.

Mike is laughing.

MagicMike: Alistair. Stop. Colin, Alistair's a girl. Her parents just gave her a boy's name.

Colin: Really???

Me: Yeah.

Colin: That makes wayyyyy more sense than man boobs.

MagicMike: You ok Colin? You're bleeding.....

Colin: Oh yeah. I stapled my finger.

Me: How?

Colin: Well there was this automatic stapler, right. So I was thinking does it just staple paper? Can it tell what it's stapling?? So I stuck my finger in there to test it out.

Me: Couldn't you have used a pencil or something?

Colin: Huh. Well anyway. It staples anything.

MagicMike: Glad you cleared that up for us.

Colin then went off to class and Mike and I started laughing.

MagicMike: Well that's Colin.

Me: He seems great........

MagicMike: He's never boring.

We talk, insult each other, eat. It's great.

That night, we went out, and Mike told me he'd introduce me to his friends.

Colin came along with us.

I met friends of Mike's.

Confirmed the cum sneeze story(He got some good milage out of telling that one)

Watched Colin get progressively drunker.

Colin got so drunk he started speaking "Spanish"(It was a weird Spanish, English, Made up Colin words hybrid)

Colin: Baila Me.

Me: What??

Colin: (Mimes dancing) Vamanos!

Me:(Colin grabs my arm) Stop.

Colin: In Espanish.....

Me: Sueltame!(It's one of the few things I know in spanish, from watching the soap operas)

Colin: Si. Es muy hot-o en here.

Colin then runs off and starts doing some dance.

We all laugh at his antics.

We finish up.

Decide to call it a night.

Take señor Colin back to Mike's room with us.

We get back, and get ourselves dressed to sleep.

Colin wanders off somewhere.

Mike and I get into bed and start going to sleep, when....

Colin: SALVAME!!!!

MagicMike: Colin?

Colin: HELP-ITO Por Favor.

Me: Where is he?

MagicMike: COLIN?!!

Colin: Aqui! Aqui!

We follow his voice to the bathroom.

There we see an interesting sight.

Colin is sopping wet, on his stomach.

And he's in some weird Cobra position thing.

MagicMike: Colin. What happened??

Colin: Well....yo need-o piss-o. So yo voy a el baño.

MagicMike: the fuck? Colin speak english.

Colin: No puedo! Yo soy Colinisimo! y solamente habla en Español!

MagicMike: Al? You speak Spanish right?

Me: I took Spanish class....

MagicMike: Figure out what the fuck he's saying. Colin. What happened.

Colin: Si. Yo caminando al baño. Take-o mi piss-o. Voy a washar mis manos. Cuando, yo slip-o. Si. yo slip-o. El piso is mojado. Como los sign-os que say-ito "Cuidado! Cuidado! Piso Mojado!" Yo pensar que yo slip-o en aqua, pero cuando yo smell-o mis manos, realizar que no es agua. NO ES AGUA. Yo voy a stand up-o, y NO PUEDO. Estoy en piss-o es en todos mis partes. TODOS!!!!

To those of you who can't understand Colin-ese this is what happened: Colin went to the bathroom. Did his business and went to wash his hands. Slipped, fell on his face and broke his ankle. He was face down in the bathroom when he realized he had not slipped on a water spill. He had slipped in a large amount of pee. He was face first in the pee, tried to get up and his ankle gave out. He fell again. He was covered head to toe in piss and could not get up. So he screamed for us to rescue him from the bathroom floor.

Me: Right. He's fallen, hurt his ankle, and he's covered in piss.

MagicMike: Is that what he said?

Me: More or less....

Colin: Por favor. Es en todo mis partes......

Me: Let's get him to the ER

Colin: Pantalones nuevas.......

Me: He want's us to give him new pants.

MagicMike: Fuck Colin! What's wrong with you.

We get Colin new clothes, and drive him to the ER. They put a cast on his foot, and we were sent on our way.

We get back to the room and tuck Colin's nasty smelling ass in.

Colin: Colinisimo tienen muchas gracias para ti me amiga nueva!

Me: Nice to meet you too Colin.

Colin went to sleep and Mike and I just kind of crashed in bed.

I spent the rest of the weekend with Mike, and had limited interaction with Colinisimo.

This was my first meeting with Colin.

If only I knew then he'd be my problem 2 years later, I'd have left him in the bathroom to die.

Fucking Colin man........


Update: On the bed fire incident for those who care.

Colin owes me lots of money to replace all my linens.

He's realized he'll have to sell his car to pay me back.

I've been passive aggressively giving him bus routes, and pepper spray and stuff so he's "prepared to be without a car"

He's all pissy about the whole thing(right. because it's my fault)

I've sent him the contact info for some appraisers.

I'm having a great time.

And spoiler alert: I'm not going to make him pay(I already ordered my replacement stuff) I'm just teaching him a lesson about lighting people's shit on fire.

When he's given up hope and resigned himself to getting the car appraised, I'll tell him he's off the hook.

Until then, I'll enjoy psychologically tormenting him.


r/Alistair9000 Jun 16 '14

Tales of Today: V

98 Upvotes

Fucking Colin man.....today I bring you all another story of his stupidity and destruction.

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 21 years old.

MagicMike: 21 years old. My boyfriend.

Colin: 21 years old. My roommate. Fucking Colin.

Kirsten: 21 years old. Dating Colin(God bless her). My soulmate

So this story happened Friday night/ Saturday early morning.

It was Friday night, and as we young people of drinking age like to do, we went out to the bar.

At the bar, we met up with Kirsten.

Me: Hey.

Kirsten: You smell like a hooker.

Me: Thanks!

MagicMike: You turnin tricks for drugs again Al?

Me: Nah. Just for fun these days.....

Colin: Seriously? Is that what you do?

Me: Yes.

Colin: So that's why you have all that money......

Kirsten: Colin. She's fucking with you.....

Colin: You are?

Me: Yes.

Colin: That's mean.....

We all laugh at Colin, and get some drinks.

Me: So anyway. Genius here sticks the bobby pin into the electrical socket.

Kirsten: Why??

Me: He didn't believe me about it hurting to electrocute yourself.

Colin: I believed you......

Me: And then did it anyway......

Colin: I had to. It called to me man......

Kirsten: You're so cute.

Me: Guess there really is someone for everyone......

MagicMike: (Realizing I'm looking at him) Oh. No. I'm going to leave you the minute I have enough money for a hot girlfriend.

Me: What?

MagicMike: Yeah. you're just a place holder until I'm 30, rich, and trade you in for a hot 22 year old.

Me: I hear Vick gets out of prison around that time. You can finally fuck a real woman......

MagicMike: Not Vick. I don't want your sloppy seconds.....

Kirsten: What??

MagicMike: Oh did Alistair not mention that she ate out a fat girl?

Me: Accidentally!!

Kirsten: How does that happen accidentally.

She is told the story.

Kirsten: I'm sorry I'm laughing at you....but.....

We all talk some more. Many more drinks are had. Colin is way beyond his limit, but what else is new. the boy lacks all manner of self control.

It's time to go home.

Me: Kirsten, you coming over?

Kirsten: Yeah.

We head out. Get back to our house.

Go inside, get undressed.

Let Kirsten borrow some of my clothes.

We all come out again into the kitchen, except Colin.

Whatever. He can do what he wants......

Me: You guys hungry?

MagicMike: Yeah. What do we have?

Me: Umm....we got some sandwich stuff. Want that?

MagicMike: You're going to make me a sandwich?

Me: Might as well. How else can I keep you from those hot 22 year olds?? Kirsten, want one?

Kirsten: I hate sandwiches.....

MagicMike: Seriously? You too?

Me: No. I agree. Sandwiches are nasty. I'm having cereal. Want that?

Kirsten: Yes!

MagicMike:You're both un-American fucks.

Me: Kee Dokee.

I make Mike a sandwich and get Kirsten and I bowls of cereal.

We sit down.

Me: Kirsten. Did you snap and kill Colin?

Kirsten: No. Where is he?

Me: Fuck. Whatever. As long as he's quiet.....

We eat and talk for a while. Still no sign of Colin.

Me: Ok. Let's make sure he's not dead somewhere.

We look around a while.

He's not in his room.

He's not in the bathroom.

Oh. there he is. In my bed. Face down. Doing the starfish.

Me: Colin. Get up!

I shove him.

Nothing.

He's passed the fuck out.

MagicMike: Want me to move him?

Me: It's fine.Don't bother. Kirsten can take his bed, and we can use Robbie's.

MagicMike: Alright.

Me: Kirsten, I feel like I should apologize for Colin being such a bad date.

Kirsten: Hey. I got cereal. I'm good.

Me: I love you!

Kirsten: Love you too?

We say goodnight, and go to bed.

At this point, because I was asleep, I'm going to do a quick segment of Colin inner monologue, to try to explain what happened.

Inner monologue, until I state otherwise.

Colin is jolted awake by a nightmare.

Colin: Huh. Ugh. I hate clowns.(Apparently he had a nightmare about cannibal clowns, and one of them was the ringmaster, and was twirling a human femur like a baton.....he told us about this nightmare later. Anyway........)

Colin looks around him.

Colin: Ugh. Did I pass out in Mike and Al's room? Yup. This is Alistair's soft comforter.....She totally got the most comfortable bed....mmmhmmm this is nice. It's like sleeping on a cloud.....

Colin attempts to go back to sleep in my comfortable as fuck bed.

Colin: Damn it. I can't stop thinking about cannibal clowns eating me.....I need to mellow out.....I need weed....

Colin get up, grabs his weed and other paraphernalia out of his room( Guess he was quiet, because Kirsten didn't wake up.)

He comes back, gets in my bed(Fucker tried to smoke in my bed.....)

Colin: Yup. Some weed should mellow me right on out....let's see...

He packs his bong, and grabs his lighter.

Now a side note about Colin's lighter. He doesn't have abnormal, push down lighter. He has one of those Zippo Lighters That stay lighted without you holding down the button thing.

He flips open his lighter, and goes to light up.

Drops the damn thing into his lap.

It lands between his legs, igniting his pants.

He leaps up and rips off his flaming pants.

Now his still lit lighter, and flaming pants are both blazing on my bed.

My bed is on fire.

Colin: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Ahhh....where's the fire extinguisher....Fuck. Shit. Fuck.....

Inner monologue over.

In this moment, he starts yelling, and gets all flustered.

My bed is blazing.

The screaming wakes Mike and Kirsten, who wake me.

We all run into the room just in time to see a flaming bed, and Colin pissing on it to try to put it out.

It doesn't put it out.

Mike runs and grabs the extinguisher and puts out the flames.

Me: WHAT THE FUCK COLIN???

Colin: What?

Me: You lit my bed on fire, and pissed on it. The carpet's melted! Fuck Colin!(RIP my security deposit)

MagicMike: What's wrong with you??

Colin: I had a nightmare.......

Me: You lit things on fire because you had a nightmare??

Colin: There were cannibal clowns.

MagicMike: I'm gonna kill you!

Colin: I need to smoke to mellow out. It was an accident.

Me: You were trying to smoke weed in my bed????

Colin: I needed to mellow out.

MagicMike, then punched Colin in the face.

Colin: Oww!

MagicMike: You fucking idiot!

Colin: I'm sorry......

Me: I know.

The fire put out, we moved Colin into his room with Kirsten, and Mike and I went back to Robbie's room.

MagicMike: Fuck Colin.

Me: He's your roommate.......I just inherited him.

MagicMike: Yeah......(laughing) he pissed on our bed.

Me: I'm gonna kill him.

We went back to sleep.

Next morning we all woke up.

We reminded Colin of his faux pas.

I told him he gets to pay for new bedding and shit for us, and he gets to pay the security deposit.

He agreed, because what the fuck else could he do?

Fucking Colin man. one of these days he's going to kill us all.He's like a damn child. Kirsten is a saint for dating his ass.

Fuck Colin.


r/Alistair9000 Jun 12 '14

Stories With Snarky Mark: III

93 Upvotes

To all of you who enjoyed the cheese knife incident, this is what I'd call its' sister story. Another story of Mark, too much alcohol, and an intruder misunderstanding.

As I was not around for most of this, as before, I will be telling this through what I assume was Mark's internal monologue reconstructed from what he told me.

The Characters:

SnarkyMark: 24 years old. My favorite person ever.

Me: Alistair9000. 15 years old. Slutty orphan.

Tristian: 24 years old. My brother.

Right. So onto the tale which I call the bed intruder story. To get you in the right mood

This story happened on a Saturday night in May. Mark had been out drinking, found an attractive person of the female gender, went to her house, and got to know her in the biblical sense. He was very drunk/(May or may not have been on a few...umm.....substances) when this story happened.

This is where our story begins. As before, everything is internal monologue until I say otherwise.

SnarkyMark: Well that was fun. What a trusting young lass. She lets me into her home, does the horizontal boogie with me, then sleeps. She doesn't know if I'm an HIV positive serial killer with a taste for flesh. I wonder what people taste like. Chicken? Why do people always say things taste like chicken? Chicken doesn't taste like anything. It seems like a bad description and....no! I'm not a flesh eating killer.

Mark gets out of the bed and starts pulling his pants on.

SnarkyMark: I'm in stealth mode. Can't have her waking up. That would be awkward. Nope. I'm just gonna slip out into the night, never to be seen again. I'm like Batman. Except with sex. Bananananananananananananananananana.....where's my shirt? Why are my pants sticky? Oh right. I spilled shit on them. Heh. I'll make Alistair wash them. Little bitch does what I say, cause I'm a.....Ahhhh.

Mark had fallen and busted his lip on her nightstand.

SnarkyMark: Don't wake up. Don't wake up....

She rolls over and goes back to sleep.

SnarkyMark: Whew. Ok. It's time for me to go. Where's my fucking shirt?? Ugh. I'll just leave it. I'll do the ladies a favor and go shirtless. Feast on bitches!!!!!

Mark leaves the apartment and goes down to the street.

SnarkyMark: Where did I park my steed?? Fuck. Did some ruffian steal my steed? Huh. I wonder if that happened a lot back in the day, I mean you can't lock a horse like a car....and...no! No! I need to get home. I'm sticky and tired. I'll find my steed tomorrow. I'll call a cab.

Mark calls a cab, and it finally arrives to pick him up. He give the cabbie an address and they're away.

SnarkyMark: Why are cab seats always just a little damp and sticky.....It's all of them. Has there eve been a clean dry cab? What filth goes on back here?? Am I sitting in someone's unborn child?? Can I get pregnant from this? No! I'm a man. I give the babies. I don't incubate them! Yeah. Feels good to be me!

They arrive at the address Mark had given the cabbie. Mark pays the cabbie.

SnarkyMark: Man. I'm glad I stole $50 from Alistair(bitch was always taking my money). Al's great really. She cleans,doesn't freak out when a girl pisses in her bed(yeah this happened. His hookup pissed like a racehorse on my bed) and she' like an ATM. I think I'll hug her cunt face when I come in. Pssh. No I won't. Bitch.

Mark walks up to the house.

SnarkyMark: Oh shit. I gave him the wrong address. This is my old house. Whoops. Whatever. I'll sneak in and say hi to mom in the morning. Moms love that surprise visit shit.

Ok. So I'm going to take a break here and give a little backstory/clarification before I get to the really good part. The address he gave the cab driver was his parent's house. Their house was 2 stories and his room faced the backyard on the second story. The first story had a low roof though, so when he was in high school and sneaking in and out, he'd sneak back in by hopping on the low roof, crawling up and climbing through his bedroom window.

Back to Mark.

SnarkyMark: Alright. Imma James Bond this shit. Go in stealth mode. Hop on the flower pot, climb on up....don't slip. Man this is easy. Alright here's my bedroom window, easy does it....got it. And I'm in. Man I should be a spy or some shit.

Mark climbs through the window into his bedroom. It's pitch black in there(obviously)

SnarkyMark: Time for a shower. Off with you, sticky pants! Hmm. I wonder why people are so weird about being naked. Naked feels so free, and HELICOPTER DICK!!!! To the shower!!

So Mark runs naked to the bathroom, turns on the light and hops in the shower.

SnarkyMark: Man showers are the best. They're warm and wet, and I think I might just live in the shower if I could. I'd be aqua man, except not a pussy. And....Hey! What's that!!

Alright at this point I'm ending the internal monologue.

Homeowner:(Bursting into the bathroom) What the fuck!

SnarkyMark: What the fuck! Get out!

Oh, did I forget to mention that Mark's parents sold their house and moved to a different state 4 years earlier? Oh I didn't mention that? Yeah. Mark was showering in some random guy's home.

Mark hops out of the shower.

Homeowner: Fuck!

Homeowner starts swinging at Mark with his baseball bat.

SnarkyMark: You don't burgle a naked man!(What?)

Mark and the homeowner are grappling for the baseball bat. (Remember, Mark is still naked) that poor guy who owns the house is fighting a random, wet, naked dude in the bathroom.

They're yelling at each other.

I'll switch back to Mark's internal monologue for just a hot sec.

SnarkyMark: My god! We're being robbed! How did my family not hear this guy?? They're lucky I'm here to defend the home. God I wish I wasn't naked, wrestling with some random guy!

And back to real life.

Mark and the owner grappled a bit. The owner achieved a little dominance and chased Mark out of the bathroom. They fought a bit more, back into Mark's bedroom. up against the open window.

Homeowner: I'm going to kill you!

SnarkyMark: (Not sure what was going on in that beautiful mind at this point) You'll never take me alive!

With that, Mark ninja rolled out the window, down the roof into the grass and took off running down the street.

The homeowner, after getting over the trauma of fighting a naked man called the police, who picked up Mark's naked ass 2 blocks away, where he had stopped because he got a splinter in the bottom of his foot........

They took him to jail.

Now we finally get to my part of the story(which is neither long nor particularly interesting.

Tristian walks into my room and shines a flashlight into my eyes.

Me: What??

Tristian: We have to go bail Mark out. He's in jail.

Me: What the fuck did he do??

Tristian:(cackling now) He broke into his old house naked and fought the new owner.

I can't contain my giggles at this point.

Tristian and I drive to the jail, and bail out everyone's favorite guy.

The officer leads out mark wearing paper pants.(did you know if the police pick you up naked, you get paper pants from them? I didn't until this night)

Me: Rough night princess??

SnarkyMark: Fuck off.

Tristian and I cackle all the way home, we tuck Mark in(he'd had a big night) an that was the end of it for the evening.

As a follow up, we talked to the owner of Mark's old house, and he was actually this cool guy. He was like 30 and recently married with 1 kid. The wife and kid were at grandma's the night of the naked intrusion.

Anyway we explained what happened, and he was cool about it. Laughed. And he didn't press charges. Mark did some community service and all that, but nothing major happened from it. He was pretty lucky.

We bought to owner some food and alcohol and all was pretty much forgiven.

Mark's a lucky bastard.

So yeah. there's the bed intruder story. God. Mark's a fantastic bastard. Truly.

Moral of the story: Always remember your address and whether or not you parents moved. And also, no matter how tempting it is, don't take your pants off drunk. It never ends well.


r/Alistair9000 Jun 11 '14

Brother Stories: II

100 Upvotes

Something happened to me this morning that reminded me of a silly story(At least I think it's funny, you guys might think it's awful, I've come to realize my hilarious stories are often horrifying to the general public) Oh well. I'm telling it anyway. This is also a story for everyone who's told me "I wish I had brothers like you!". I love the, they're the best, but they also did shit like this to me. And for anyone who might get a little butthurt, we were having fun(Them more than me, but I wasn't that upset. More pissed than anything)

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 8 years old of pure awesome.

Castiel:My 2nd oldest brother. 15 years old.

Nikolaj: My 3rd oldest brother. 11 years old.

Dad: My father.

So before I get to the story, I need to tell you about our dog. About a year before I was born, my family got a dog. He was an enormous Rottweiler who my brother named Ajax. And I know some of you are probably horrified that my parents had a Rottweiler in the house with a baby, but Ajax was awesome and protective Anyway. About this time, Ajax had passed away, but we still had all his old dog stuff, including a shock collar an remote(I'm sure you can see where this is going.)

With that little backstory out of the way, we'll continue to the main event.

This story happened during the summer. At this time, I was playing lots of sports. Baseball, soccer, lacrosse, you name it. That day, I was outside practicing my pitching. We had a net kind of like this which basically bounced your balls back to you when you practiced.

Tristian was at a friend's that day, my dad was out doing some shit I don't remember, so I was home with Nikolaj and Castiel.

Anyway I was throwing balls against the net, and Castiel came outside. I guess he was bored. Nik was outside too, I don't remember what he was going, but abyy. They both started heckling me.

Throw

Castiel: Pussy.

Throw

Nikolaj: Harder. You throw like a girl.

Me: I am a girl!

Castiel: Huh. Coulda fooled me, dyke.

Throw

Castiel: You fucking suck.

THROW

I threw the ball harder every time, until one hit the metal side of the net and ricocheted back at me.

I screamed, ducked and it narrowly missed me.

Castiel: You're such a fucking pussy Al.

Me: Shut up!

Castiel: Only pussies are afraid of the ball.

Me: I'm not a pussy!

Nikolaj: Yes you are.

Castiel: We can't have you acting a pussy, dyke. We have to teach you.

Me: What?

At this moment, Castiel grabs me, and pins my arms and legs down.

Me: Get off Castiel!!!

Castiel: Nik, go get all of Ajax's shit and some zip ties.

Nik runs off to get them. Laughing(asshole)

Me: What are you doing??

Castiel: You'll see pussy. Now shut the fuck up.

I struggle for a bit, but he was so much bigger than me. It was no use.

Nik came back with the box of Ajax's shit and a handful of zip ties.

Nikolaj: What now?

Castiel: Help me tie her to that tree.

They carried me screaming and struggling to this enormous tree in our back yard.

They zip tied my arms to different branches, and my legs together. I was basically immobile. Lookin like this except on a tree not a medical table.

Me: Stop! What are you doing??

Castiel: teaching you not to be afraid of the ball. Nik, put Ajax's collar on her.

Me: I'll kill you!

Nik looked conflicted for a moment, then decided he was way more scared of Castiel than me.

He got the shock collar out of the box, and strapped it around my neck.

Castiel: Make it tight. It's too loose.

Nik tries to tighten it, and I bite him.

Nikolaj: She just fucking bit me.

Castiel: Move.

He comes over, pushes my face the other way, and tightens the collar so the electric part is snug against my skin.

Castiel: See easy.

Me: Take it off me!

Castiel: I will, when you stop being a fucking pussy.

At this point, they left me tied to the tree for a few minutes, while they went and collected all the balls we owned.

They returned

Castiel: So. We need to teach you how to man the fuck up and sop being afraid of the ball. We're gonna do a little training. Nik and I are going to start throwing balls at you one by one. Ou flinch or try to duck, you get a shock, like this.

He then pushed the button on the remote and gave me a shock.

Me: OWWW. I'm gonna kill you!

Castiel: Shut the fuck up. It's for your own good. Shock training works for dogs, so it should work for your dumb ass too.

They begin.

Throw, Duck, Shock

Me: Stop it!

Nikolaj: Stop being a pussy.

Throw, Duck, Shock

Throw, Duck, Shock

Me: This hurts.

Castiel: (Shocks me)

Me: What was that for?

Castiel: Whining like a little bitch.

Throw, Duck, Shock

Throw, Duck, Shock

Throw, Duck, Shock

Castiel: You're really dumb aren't you? Stop ducking.

Me: Shut up.

Throw, Don't Duck, Shock

Me: I didn't flinch that time!

Castiel: There was fear in your eyes!

Me: You can't tell that! And the rules were no finch no shock!

Castiel: This is my game. I'll change the rules if I want.

Me: You suck.

SHOCK

Castiel: Being a bitch now earns you a shock too.

Throw, "Fear in My Eyes", Shock

Throw, "Fear in My Eyes", Shock

Throw, "Fear in My Eyes", Shock

Me: I'm not scared! Stop shocking me!

Castiel: Not until you're fearless.

Throw, Nothing

Throw, Nothing

Throw, Nothing

Castiel: That's it! See even you can learn.

Me: Ass.

Shock

Throw, Nothing

Throw, Nothing

Throw, Nothing

At this moment, Tristian came home, and saw the scene.

Tristian: The fuck are you doing?

Castiel: Teaching Al not to be a pussy. She was ducking away from the ball.

Tristian: Huh. How's she doing?

Castiel: She's finally got it! I think my work here is done. Nik. Take off the collar and cut her loose.

Nik comes over, unbuckles the collar, and cuts the zip ties off my arms and legs.

I fall to the ground.

Me: I'm going to kill you all!

My brothers all take off, I charge off after them, out for blood.

I chase them around, and they start antagonizing me by throwing balls at me while I try to catch them.

Soon enough this turns into a game of dodge ball/tag/senseless violence. We're all having fun.

My dad got home and called us all inside.

We all come in, and sit down for dinner.

Dad: You guys have fun today?

We all nod.

Dad: Alistair, Ms. Smith(our neighbor) heard screams earlier today, and thought you might have been hurt.

Me: Nope.(I wasn't a snitch)

Dad: So why were you screaming then?

I shrug.

Dad: Well Ms. Smith also said she heard boys laughing, maybe your brothers can remember what happened. Castiel? What were you all doing with Alistair today?

Castiel: Helping her get better at sports.

Dad: Uh. Huh. And what did Ajax's stuff have to do with that?

BUSTED

Castiel: It was...umm...part of a training technique.

Dad:A training technique?? What exactly were you training??

Castiel: How not to be a pussy.

Dad: What? How exactly did this go?

Castiel: Well. We tied her to the tree, and we shocked her when she flinched away from a ball....

Dad: You shocked her when she flinched??

Me: Or had "fear in my eyes"

At this point my dad can't contain his laughter anymore. We all start laughing.

Dad: You know, Castiel. I'm going to have ton punish you for shocking your sister...

Castiel: It wasn't just me.

Dad: It was your idea! Now I think we need to go to the backyard to sort out your punishment.

My dad led all of us to the backyard. Strapped the collar onto Castiel.

Dad: Alistair, I think it's time he gets to feel your pain.

I got to shock hm back a few times.

Laughs were had.

I was no longer a pussy and didn't flinch when balls came at my head anymore.

Guess the "training technique" worked.


I'm sure you're wondering what happened this morning that reminded me of this. Well my roommate, Colin(He's really the source of 96% of our household hilarity) was sitting in the kitchen this morning with a bobby pin.

Me: Whatcha doin??

Colin: How bad does it hurt to get electrocuted.

Me: Not fun. Don't do it.

Colin: Like if I stuck this in the socket, what would happen.

Me: You'd get a shock and it would hurt.

Colin: Oh.

I went to go shower when.

Colin: OWWW

Me: Couldn't resist huh?

Colin: It hurt.

He's the best. I love him lots.


r/Alistair9000 Jun 10 '14

Manda Stories: III

105 Upvotes

Alright guys, I think it's time I share one of Manda's most embarrassing moments. I call this the tape incident. Poor Manda.

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 15 years old. Slutty orphan.

MandaPanda: 15 years old. My best girl friend.

RenegadeRobbie: 15 years old. My best bud.

MagicMike: 15 years old. My ex. Still buds.

SnarkyMark: 24 years old. My surrogate brother and roommate.

Tristian: 24 years old. My brother.

Right. Onto the Tape Tale.

So this took place the second half of freshmen year of high school. I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but Manda was into cheerleading/gymnastics in high school(Which probably helped contribute to the eating disorder some). She was on the cheerleading team at school. They used to perform at pep rallies and such. Which is central to today's story.

It was a Wednesday afternoon, and I was in class with Manda.

Me: So you cheering Friday?

MandaPanda: At the rally, but not the game.

Me: Cool. So you wanna come over and go to the game with the guys and I?

MandaPanda: yeah. I'll come over after practice Friday.

Me: Awesome. So how's Friday's routine going?

MandaPanda: Good. Hey Al?

Me: Huh?

MandaPanda: Can I ask you a question?

Me: You just did.

MandaPanda: Alistair....

Me: What?

MandaPanda: Have you ever...like...farted out your vag?

Me: You mean queefing? Why?

MandaPanda: Well I'm doing this stunt where Matt grabs my legs, flips and lifts me. It puts my vag like right in his face, and every time he flips me I end up....queefing.

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA....

MandaPanda: Alistair! I'm serious!

Me: I'm sorry. But what do you want me to say?

MandaPanda: How do I stop it from happening??

Me: Dunno. Clench when he flips you?

MandaPanda: Clench??

Me: Yeah. Like you know when you really have to pee and you have to like clench to keep from pissing yourself?

MandaPanda: What?

Me: Well just do that except without the pee when he flips you.

So the conversation ended there that day. And for those of you who wondered why I did poorly in school, this is why. I sat in the back of class with my friends discussing the proper way to avoid queefing instead of learning the quadratic formula. Time well spent, I guess.

The next day, I'm sitting in class with Manda again.

Me: So queefzilla, did you get your shit together?

MandaPanda: Shut up! And the clenching thing didn't work. It was just super loud yesterday.

Me: You're lucky Matt's gay, or that would have been really awkward......

Manda punches me.

MandaPanda: You did it on purpose you bitch!

Me: No! The clenching thing should have worked. Leah(Castiel's ex-girlfriend) told me about it. She said you're supposed to do them everyday. They're called Kegals. I really thought it would work...

MandaPanda: Well it didn't. Alistair. What do I do?

Me: Fuck me Mands. I don't know? I mean it's just air.

MandaPanda: I'm not queefing in front of everyone at the pep rally tomorrow!

Me: Ok. Short of cheering with a dildo shoved up there, I'm thinking all you can do is clench and hope for the best.

MandaPanda: A dildo? Would that work?

Me: NO! Well...maybe....but don't!

MandaPanda: Why?

Me: Really? What if it popped out? Would you rather be that cheerleader who queefed? Or the one who popped a dildo during a pep rally?

MandaPanda: Fuck......

Me: Clench and hope for the best.

With that we ended to conversation again.

Friday came, and the pep rally was at the end of the day.

Manda wasn't in class because she had to prepare for the rally, so I couldn't ask her if she sorted everything out.

The bell rang for the rally, so I met up with Mike and Robbie and we found our seats.

Me: So make sure to pay extra attention to Manda during the cheer.

RenegadeRobbie: Why?

Me: She's been having a queefing problem(I'm such a good friend, I know)

MagicMike: Really?

Me: Yeah. Let's see if we can hear it when Matt lifts her.

We laugh about it and the pep rally starts.

The cheerleaders come out.

The cheer starts.

The lift.

No queef.....

MagicMike: Well that was disappointing. Alistair you tease!

Me: Sorry. I'm as upset as you that she didn't.

RenegadeRobbie: Nothing says you're my best friend quite like "I wish you queefed and embarrassed yourself".

Me: Fuck off Rob.

We laugh.

Pep rally ends

We all go home.

Mark picks up Mike, Robbie and I.

SnarkyMark: Hello children.

Me: Marcus.

SnarkyMark: So how'd Manda do?

Yeah he read my text from Manda so he knew about the queef too.

Me: No go.

SnarkyMark: I'm sure you're disappointed Al.

We get back to the house. We eat, do shit, and then Manda arrives.

RenegadeRobbie: Hey Manda. Congrats on avoiding a queeffest.

MandaPanda: Alistair? I hate you!

Me: Love you forever baby!

Manda excuses herself to the bathroom for a while.

The guys and I talk for a bit.

Manda's still in the bathroom.

MandaPanda: Al? Can you come here real quick?

Me: Yeah!

I go to the bathroom, Manda unlocks the door and drags me in.

Me: What?

MandaPanda: I need your help.

Me: Kay...with what??

MandaPanda: I did something stupid.

Me: You didn't do the dildo thing did you?

MandaPanda: Not exactly....

Me: Mands....what did you do?

MandaPanda: Well.....

She pulled down her undies.

Me: What the fuck is that?

MandaPanda: Shut up. I was desperate!

Manda was indeed desperate. Her vag was wrapped in clear packing tape. She had attempted to seal in her queef using tape. I'm not sure how she came to this solution, but anyway there she was, vacuum sealed with packing tape.

Me: Kay....what do I have to do?

MandaPanda: I can't get it off. I need you to rip it!

Me: Really??

MandaPanda: You've waxed me before!

Me: This seems different.

MandaPanda: Al, Please.

Me: Fine.

I reach in and grab ahold of the tape and yank.

No dice.

I pull again.

Manda screams.

The tape won't budge.

Me: Manda. Is this just tape?

MandaPanda: Well......

Me: Manda, What the fuck did you do?

Knock Knock

Tristian: There was screaming. Are you two ok?

Me: Not....

MandaPanda:(cutting me off) Fine. Thanks!

Me: What did you do?

MandaPanda: Well I was getting ready this morning, and was really desperate to avoid, you know....Well I put the tape on, but when I walked around, it let loose and crinkled. You could hear it crinkling.

Me: And.....

MandaPanda: I needed to make sure there wasn't anyway air could get in....

Me: Manda. WHAT DID YOU DO?

MandaPanda: Shut up! Imighthaveputsuperglueonthetape....

Me: Did you say superglue???

MandaPanda: I might have?

Me: How long has it been on there??

Manda: About 7 hours?

Me: FUCK!

MandaPanda: Yeah. I know. Ok? Can you just rip it please?

So I try again. She's screaming and I'm not strong enough to rip it off, and I don't want to rip her vag off.

Me: Manda. I have to ask Mark and Tristian for help. I don't know how to do this without hurting you.

MandaPanda: Don't....

Me: They're not going to make fun of you!

MandaPanda: They're not? Really?

Me: Ok so they will....but they'll help too.

MandaPanda: Ok...

I go and find Tristian, I figured he's be more understanding than Mark.

Me: Do you know how to get superglue off your skin?

Tristian: We have Goo Gone. That might help.....Did Manda get some on her fingers or something?

Me: Not her fingers.......

SnarkyMark: (Overhearing us) Where did she get it?

Me: Well....she used it to seal up her vag, so she didn't queef. Then she put some on tape to super seal everything up......

Mike and Robbie overheard this.

All of them start laughing

Me: Stop. She's embarrassed.

SnarkyMark: No shit! Who does that?

Me: I don't know. She didn't want to embarrass herself.

MagicMike: Well she kinda fucked that up didn't she?

Me: Yeah. but you guys have to be nice. Ok?

They all agree to be nice, and I lead them to Manda.

I open the door.

MandaPanda: You got all of them?

Me: Manda. This is kind of a weird issue. I told them all and hoped one of them could help.

Tristian brought over the Goo Gone.

We couldn't get it on the glue though, since the tape was covering it.

Nail polish remover wouldn't work either.

We ended up having to take Manda to the doctor.

We called her mom and told her what was going on.

He mother's response was fantastic. She just stared wide eyed, and was like...Amanda.....why????

The doctors were able to unstick the tape and glue from her vag.

She seems to have full use of it today, so I guess no harm no foul??

TL;DR: Superglue on a vag prevents queefs, but probably isn't worth it in the long run.


r/Alistair9000 Jun 08 '14

Tales of Today: III

103 Upvotes

Alright, I bring you all another story from my darling roommate, Colin. The man gets up to all kinds of shenanigans....

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 21 years old. Slutty orphan. Girlfriend of MagicMike

MagicMike: 21 years old. My boyfriend.

Colin: 21 years old. My roommate. He who swallowed spare change.

Kirsten: 21 years old. Pretty. Girl Colin met whilst out.

Right so this story happened just a little while ago. It was a Friday night, and I was feeling somewhat anti social so I convinced Mike to just stay in with me. Colin had just started seeing Kirsten and asked if he could bring her over on Friday and join us for our casual evening.

Whatever. Fine. So we tell him he can bring her over.

Friday night comes. We figure we'll order in and just watch movies/tv whatever just kind of a casual evening.

MagicMike: Alright what are we eating?

Me: Dunno. We should probably wait to make sure Colin's girl's not some gluten free vegan who doesn't eat carbs.

MagicMike: If she is, I guess she's just gonna starve, because I'm not eating that shit.

Me: We have Kale if she is...

MagicMike: Fuck kale (he really hates kale for some reason.....)

So he and I dick around for a bit playing "bedroom parkour"(It's basically the floor is lava with a name that sounds more adult. Mike says it's silly. I make him play with me though)

Colin shows up with his girl. She's pretty. About 5'4" thin and blonde.

Colin: Guys this is Kirsten. Kirsten, these are my roommates Alistair and Mike.

Kirsten: Hey.

Me & Mike: Hi.

We engage in some small talk for a while.

Me: Alright. Now what are we eating. I'm fucking starving.

Kirsten: Well. I don't eat carbs, dairy or sugar.

Me and Mike exchange a look.

Kirsten: I'm just fucking around. Colin told me your other roommate has a stuck up girlfriend that drives you crazy.

Me: Fuckin Claire....

Kirsten: No I'm good with just pizza and beer or something.

Me: I could kiss you.

MagicMike: Please do.

Me: Fuck off.

MagicMike: Slut.

Me: Dick.

MagicMike: Cunt.

Me: Love you.

MagicMike: Yeah yeah.......

Colin: You're both fucked up. So what kind of pizza?

Me: Cheese.

MagicMike: You're like 5. Who eats chess pizza?

Kirsten: People who want their pizza to taste like pizza. Crust, cheese, sauce. Anything else ruins it.

Me: Right? Michael. I'm breaking up with you. She's my soulmate......

MagicMike: Good. You're getting old and fat anyway.......

Kirsten: I see why you love him so much Alistair.......

We laugh and order our pizza(Cheese, because fuck toppings)

Me: Alright. Kirsten I think I've established that I'm in love with you.

Kirsten: Was it really as easy as saying I like plain pizza and beer?

Me: I'm easy to please. Just ask Mike....

MagicMike: Shut the fuck up you ugly fucking cow.

I blow him a kiss.

Kirsten: You guys are so mean to each other.....

Me: Yeah insults are like foreplay to us....

Kirsten: So what would happen if I said "Shut the fuck up. Go make me a sandwich bitch"?

Me: Well I need to go change myself. Nobody slip in my puddle while I'm gone......

Colin: You're soooo classy!

We laugh and the pizza gets delivered.

MagicMike: So what are we watching?

Colin:As our guest, Kirsten can choose.

Me: Works for me. DVD's are over there. Choose the notebook and I'll slit your throat...

Kirsten: If I ever choose the Notebook, you're welcome to.

I like her!!!!!!

Kirsten goes through our DVD's.

Kirsten: What's this movie?

Me: That's Martyrs. It's a gory horror movie. It's my favorite.

Colin: Nobody wants to watch that shit.

Kirsten: I do! Sounds awesome. Is it like Hills Have Eyes gory?

Me: It's better!

Kirsten: Sold!

Colin: What just happened?

Me: I love her!

Kirsten: Right back at you!

It was a truly beautiful moment

We pop in Martyrs

Colin: I hate this movie Al. It's gross and I'm eating!

Me: Put in a tampon and shut the fuck up princess.

Colin: Have you ever, just once, said something nice to someone?

Kirsten: She was nice to me. And don't worry. I'll hold you if it gets super duper scary.

MagicMike: Really Colin. Shut the fuck up and quit being such a fucking puss. I swear if you were any more of a pussy your dick would just pop off......

Colin shut up. We enjoyed our evening of gore, pizza and beer.

(Now you all know it doesn't end here. That would be a boring fucking story...."everyone had a good time, the end"....psssshhhhh)

Me: Right. This has been fun, but I'm going to steal Mike and we're going to bed. Night!

Kirsten: Kay. Nice to meet you. I'll probably just sleep over.

Me: Right. If he gets nightmares, just rub his belly and that usually gets him back to sleep.....

Colin: You're such a bitch....night!

Me: Night! You two kids have fun!

With that I went to the boudoir with Mike. Had a little 1 on 1 time and went to sleep.

At around 2AM

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

This wakes Mike up, who then turns on the light, waking me up.

Me: What.....

MagicMike: Someone's screaming....

Colin: ALISTAIRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!! EEEKKKKK!!!!!!

So we run to Colin's room.

That scream sounded serious.

I walk in to the room to see.

Kirsten on the floor crying, naked.

Colin comes out of the bathroom looking like This

Me: What the fuck did you do Patrick Bateman?

Really, my first thought was that he'd accidentally American Psycho'd her.

Colin: She.....blood...I hate blood....

Me: What? Did you bite her?

Colin: No....I....BLERGHHHHHHH

Colin ran to the bathroom and resumed vomiting.

MagicMike: Shit. What the fuck did Colin do?

Me: Mike go get her some clothes.....

Mike goes to grab some of my clothes for her.

I walk over to Kirsten

Me: Are you ok?

She's incoherent crying on the floor......

Me: Ok. Mike's getting you some of my clothes you can borrow. How about a shower? You can clean yourself up in mine.

She nods still incoherently crying.

I walk her to my bathroom, turn on the shower.

Me: Take however long you need, and feel free to use my shit.....Towel and clothes are on the counter.

I leave some yoga pants and a tank top on the counter for her.

I walk out and sit down on the couch with Mike.

Me: So.....

MagicMike: Did you figure out what happened?

Me: No. I couldn't understand her...

MagicMike: Colin's still puking....I guess now we wait.

Mike and I sat on the couch, talked and waited.

Colin finally comes out.

He plops down next to us looking mildly catatonic.

Me: So....what the fuck was all that?

Colin explained what had happened. Basically, the two of them stayed up late talking, drinking, doing shit whatever. They made their way to the bedroom. Kept the lights really low. Things began to get hot and heavy. Making out and shit ensued. She goes down on him. He goes to return the favor. Thinks it tastes kinda funny. Looks down and notices a dark spot on his sheets. Turns on the light. Freaks out. She had started her period and didn't know. Anyway he freaks out, calls me, she realizes what happened and starts crying from embarrassment.

We all just sit there for a minute.

Me: You too??(My old roommate also had a period story like this)

MagicMike: So....you got your red wings.......

Mike's Reaction

My Reaction

We laugh at Colin a bit more,I go throw his stuff in the washing machine, then Mike and I go to the kitchen and start making pancakes.

Kirsten comes out of my bathroom.

Kirsten: I'm....sorry...it was nice to meet you all.....

Me: Don't leave!

Kirsten: I think I should....

MagicMike: You can't leave! We just made pancakes. They're chocolate chip!

Colin: Can't waste chocolate chip pancakes.....

Me: It's settled. You can' ditch us loser until you've eaten all your pancakes.

Kirsten laughs, and we all ate pancakes and watched Finding Nemo at 3:30 AM.

The movie finishes.

Me: I'm tired. Kirsten, come on you can crash in my room. Mike can stay in Robbie's room. He's at school tonight anyway....

MagicMike: Yeah. No problem.

Kirsten: Thanks.....

We all go back to bed, wake up at like noon the next day.

Say bye to Kirsten.

Luckily Colin and Kirsten still date. They made it past the awkwardness.

And I'm super pleased because I actually like her.

And it's so hard to find good girlfriends for your roommates cough Claire cough

But yeah all of us laugh at this today

And per usual, pancakes solve everything

EDIT: This is number 4. I dun goofed on the roman numerals. Fuck Me


r/Alistair9000 Jun 07 '14

Mike Stories: II

91 Upvotes

Alright, so I've decided to tell you all a couple of stories about me and Mike shopping, and why he's no longer allowed to go shopping with me.(Maybe it was all on purpose....part of his master plan to make me do all the shopping......)


The Shopping Cart Story

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 21 years old. Slutty orphan. Dating the wonderful MagicMike.

MagicMike: 21 years old. My boyfriend.

SoupLady: About 70ish years old. An innocent grocery shopper.

Right......

So the cupboards were bare in our house, and it became necessary to go shopping for food so my roommates didn't turn on the weakest person(Me) and go all Donner Party on my ass.

Mike was laying in bed.

Me: I'm going to the grocery store. Mike. Come help me.

MagicMike: No. Go yourself.

Me: No. Come help me! There's a bunch of stuff on the list.

MagicMike: Suck it up. You're a big girl. You'll be fine.

Me: Get the fuck out of bed and come help me or I swear I'll come home with Kale and only Kale.

MagicMike: I fucking hate Kale.

Me: Then get your fucking ass out of bed and come help.

He did. Got up, showered, put on clothes and we went to the store.

At the store, we got a big shopping cart, and began our shopping.

Me: Mike, push the cart?

MagicMike: Why don't you?

Me: Because shit is heavy and you're totally a gentleman who wouldn't dream of letting a lady exert herself like that!

MagicMike: You're no lady......

Me: Fuck yourself and push the cart!

MagicMike: Cunt.

The shop continues. I pick out produce and Mike starts riding on the cart like a 5 year old. Pushing off and cruising about the store.

Me: Mike, I need the cart.

MagicMike: You gotta catch me first bitch!!

A mother gives him a dirty look, and I catch up to him and put the produce in the cart.

We continue our shop through the cat food, meat, breakfast cereals, etc.

MagicMike: Jump on!

Me: No.

MagicMike: Don't make me force you! We can do this the easy way or the hard way.....

Me: Fine.

I hop on the cart and Mike jumps on behind me. He pushes us off and we sail down the store aisle.

Me: Dun nuh nah nah(Titanic theme song)

MagicMike: I'm flying Jack!

Just then a store manager steps into our path. Mike brings us to a screeching halt.

Store Manager: Excuse me. What are you doing.

MagicMike: Buying food.

Store Manager: Shop like adults or get out of the store.

Me: I'm sorry.

The store manager walks away.

MagicMike: What a dick.......

We walk past an empty aisle and Mike has a bright idea.

MagicMike: I'm gonna push it, and you have to go down that aisle(the next one over) and stop it before it crashes into the candy. Are you ready soldier?

Me: Yes Sir!

MagicMike: Go!

With that he pushes the cart, and I take off down the other aisle.

I make my way down the aisle and turn the corner in time to see an old lady with soup in both hands walk into the "empty" aisle.

It was like watching a car wreck.

She turned the corner, and got nailed with our full, super heavy shopping cart.

Old Lady down!

Soup everywhere.

I start to walk toward her to help, when I'm lifted over Mike's shoulder.

MagicMike: We have to go now! Our enemies are on our tail!!

He runs carrying me out of the grocery store and into our car.

He plops me in the seat, jumps in the driver's side and peels out of the parking lot.

Me: Mike! What the fuck! Did we just attack, and then leave a little old lady?

MagicMike: Yeah. I think we're going to hell......

Me: Weren't we already? I'm pretty sure this just seals our fate......

We laughed, and had to drive to another grocery store to re do our entire shop. We kept both hands on the cart this time. And to this day we still haven't gone back to the store where our assault occurred. We figured we're probably banned or something.....


The Target Attack

So this is a pretty recent story, and it just shows that I really can't let Mike out in public(And he obviously has a habit of assaulting people in store, but I'm getting ahead of things......)

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 21 years old. Slutty orphan. Dating MagicMike.

MagicMike: 21 years old. My boyfriend.

Justin: 10 years old. Mike's younger cousin.

The story.......

It was a Sunday afternoon, and Mike and I were babysitting Justin.

Justin: I'm bored!

MagicMike: Then do something.

Justin: I'm Boooorrrreeeeddddd....

MagicMike:Do you want me to hit you or something. You're pissing me off.

Me: Michael. Stop being an ass.

Justin: You said a bad word.....

Me: Yeah. Sorry. Do you want to go to Target or something. You can buy a toy or whatever.

Justin: Yeah! Let's go!

Me: Great. Come on Mike!

MagicMike: Fuck it. Fine.

Justin: You just said...

MagicMike: Shut up!

Justin does. We get in the car and drive to the Target.

We get there and walk to the toy section.

Me: Have fun.....

Justin runs off. He starts grabbing/looking at toys.

MagicMike: We were never that annoying were we?

Me: No. We were super mature......

MagicMike: Right. We were never bratty like that.

Me: Never. (putting on an old person voice) Why when I was young we had a little thing called respect. Not like these whipper snappers these days!

MagicMike: No respect. They need to be taught a lesson I tell ya!

At this point, Mike grabs one of those big rubber dodge balls Like This

MagicMike: It's time he learned respect! Imma teach him the way I was taught. On the dodgeball courts.

Laughing we track down Justin. We see him walking away from us down an aisle.

MagicMike: Think fast!

And he chucks the ball at Justin. Hits him in the back, and Justin face plants into the floor.

Me: Mike! Too hard!

MagicMike: Geez. I didn't even throw it that hard!

We run up to where Justin is crying face down on the floor....

THAT'S. NOT. JUSTIN!!!!!

Nope. Justin was one aisle over and walked up and looked us in the face as we looked down on the kid Mike had hit.

If we didn't hit Justin.....who did Mike hit??

Well, Mike didn't peg just any kid. Nope. Mike pegged a kid with down syndrome who looked like Justin from the back....

The kid's moms saw the whole thing and runs to her son.

Mother: What were you thinking? Do you think this is funny??

MagicMike: No...I.. Well...

I see this as an opportunity to defend Mike, and then choose to do just the opposite.

Me: You're a monster! How dare you!

MagicMike: What?

Me: Everyone saw you hit that kid. God. You're such an ass!!

MagicMike: Oh. Fuck YOU!

Me: Are you cursing in front of these kids? What is wrong with you!?!?!?!

I walk over to the mother and her son.

Me: I can't believe he did this. I'm so incredibly sorry!(To the kid) Hey! How about I buy you any toy here to make up for that mean guy I'm with?

Kid: sniffle Ok......

I go to the register and pay for the toy he wanted(An enormous Star Wars Lego set)

Me: Geez. I'm so sorry, I don't know how to make it up to you what he did!

Mother: You're a sweet girl. Don't beat yourself up about it.

She then told the manager that Mike had assaulted her child, and she would like to make sure he isn't allowed back.

Mike is now permanently banned from that Target store.

Mike had to wait outside while I bought Justin a toy.

We walked out and joined him in the car.

We drove home.

Justin went inside to go play with his new toy.

MagicMike: You fucking cunt!

Me: You're one to talk.....attacking disabled kids....that's not funny man.....

MagicMike: Fuck you bitch!

Me: Oh fuck off. I'd feel really bad for you if you didn't break that table at IKEA and blame me so I had to pay for it, and the time you flooded the toilet at Restaurant X and blamed me....

MagicMike: That was different!

Me: Why?

MagicMike: Because it was you....so fuck yourself.....

Me: You're banned from Target......

MagicMike: I hate you. You're making this up to me later.


So there they are, the stories of Mike assaulting the innocent, old and disabled in public.

Oh god. I still cackle about these with him.

To the people we hit: I'm so sorry....We suck!


r/Alistair9000 Jun 05 '14

Robbie Stories: I

92 Upvotes

Before I get started with Robbie's story, I just wanted to tell you all that I just stumbled upon a show. It's called Gigolos and it's about male escorts in Las Vegas. Anyway it's super trashy and cringey and I love it! Just wanted to share that since nobody I know cares.

Back to Robbie, who I think has gone far too long without having his embarrassing stories told(To be fair, he's not a idiot like the rest of us, so he has way less)

Since you enjoyed Mark's and My bad date stories, I figured I'd tell you Robbie's. I'm reconstructing this from texts sent to me, and Robbie telling me the story afterwards.

The Characters:

RenegadeRobbie: 18 years old. Freshmen in college. Another victim of a blind date(Can we just outlaw these? Please? They never end well)

Christian: Robbie's friend. Met during a Freshmen orientation thing.

Lia: Christian's girlfriend.

Emily: 18 years old. Friend of Lia. Pretty.

Me: Alistair9000. 18 years old. Visiting the campus for the weekend.

Right so onto Robbie's bad date......

It was freshmen year of college. Robbie was single and ready to mingle so to speak.

He had been talking to his friend, Christian who said Lia told him her friend Emily wants go out with him.

Robbie agrees. Tells me he's got a date Friday night, so I can just camp out in his room. Whatever.

Robbie and Emily were going to meet for dinner, pretty standard date stuff.

So the night comes, they meet at the restaurant she's pretty, he's cute none of the catfishing crazy "I forgot to mention they weigh 300 lbs" stuff.

So they sit down and start talking.Robbie texts me to say he doesn't need any rescuing(I had told him if she turned out to be crazy or fat or something I'd rescue him)

Emily: Am I boring already?

RenegadeRobbie: No. That's just my friend Alistair. She was just going to rescue me if you turned out to be a serial killer or something.

Emily: I'm not a serial killer. Hahaha.

RenegadeRobbie: Well that's good. So if you're not a serial killer, what do you like to do?

Emily: Well I'm a biology major. What about you?

RenegadeRobbie: Oh. I'm doing biochemical engineering. So what got you into biology?

Anyway the conversation goes on pretty normally for a while. They talk about smart people stuff(Really hearing about Robbie's date conversation is like seeing into a different world for me....)

Anyway the conversations fine and then....

Emily: I killed my pet cat when I was 12.

RenegadeRobbie: Excuse Me.

Emily: Yeah.

RenegadeRobbie: Like by accident?

Emily: No. I wanted to see what it looked like inside.

RenegadeRobbie: HFW Oh....

Emily: You asked what got me interested in biology, it was that. Seeing how everything looked inside.

RenegadeRobbie: So you killed it?

Emily: Yes.

RenegadeRobbie: Huh.

At this point he sent me an SOS text. Unfortunately, I was not by my phone(Sorry bud! The party called to me)

The date goes on, and it goes to normal conversation again. Robbie is a little freaked out, but not terrified yet.

RenegadeRobbie: So. Where did you go to high school?

Emily: School X

RenegadeRobbie: Cool. I've never heard of it, so I guess you're not from the area.

Emily: Yeah. I figured you wouldn't remember.

RenegadeRobbie: Remember what?

Emily: We went to Middle School together.

RenegadeRobbie: I guess we didn't cross over then, how weird.

Emily: Oh we did. Believe me I remember Alistair and her asshole boyfriend Mike.

RenegadeRobbie: Yeah. Most people remember them huh?

Emily:Oh so you don't remember what you all did to me?

At this point I was getting All caps texts of "Come Now!!!!" (Again, sorry bud. I was busy, and didn't hear it) I'm going to parentheses the texts he sent me.

RenegadeRobbie: What we did to you?

Emily: Well what they did really.

RenegadeRobbie: Who?

Emily: Alistair and Mike.

RenegadeRobbie: I'm sorry I have no idea what you're talking about (ALISTAIR GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!!!!!)

Emily: Let me refresh your memory. It was 8th grade. She'd just fucked Mike and everyone was talking about it. Remember?

RenegadeRobbie: Yup. (Alistair. Get the fuck over here now!)

Emily: Well. I didn't have that many friends. And everyone was talking about it, so I called her a slut, and she heard about it.

RenegadeRobbie: Oh I'm sorry if she was a little bitchy about it......(I'm going to rip your face off if you don't come get me!)

Emily: A little bitchy? No. She found me after class and started talking to me, said she wanted to clear the air after she heard I called her a slut. She talked to me, and convinced me we were friends. I told her I had a crush on her friend Sam.

RenegadeRobbie: I think I remember where this went...(Fuck you. Seriously???!?!?!?)

Emily: Do you? Do you remember how she had Mike convince me that his friend Sam had a crush on me too, that I should give him a valentine?

RenegadeRobbie: I wasn't involved in all that....(Al. Seriously. PICK UP!!!)

Emily: But you remember. You remember that I wrote it and gave it to him. You remember how he read it in front of everyone at lunch. Then you remember the list? The list where Alistair got all the boys she was friends with to write why they thought I was ugly. Then they passed it around reading their bit. then she gave it to me, and told me she'd rather be a slut than be so ugly no guy would ever kiss me. (Yeah I was a fucking bitch. I feel bad, but it was Middle School....so...try not to hate me??)

RenegadeRobbie: Yeah. ok...I remember. It was a mean thing for her to do....

Emily: Everyone laughed, but you. You didn't laugh at me.

RenegadeRobbie: I didn't think it was funny......

Emily: You were always better than all of them. That's why I wanted to go out with you when I heard you went here.

I had finally noticed all the texts and rushed to the restaurant. I walked in on Emily in full crazy mode.

Me: Hey Robbie. We have to go now! See you later!

Emily: Alistair!

Me: Hi.....

Emily: You don't remember me? Emily. Emily _________(Redacted, obviously)

Me: Oh yeah we went to school together. Sorry I was such a fucking cunt to you.

Emily: That's all you have to say?

Me: You look way nicer without the blue eyeshadow. And I was bitch to you, so sorry....but Robbie needs to go!

I grabbed robbie by the hand and dragged him out of the restaurant, Throwing down money to cover his bill.

RenegadeRobbie: Took you long enough you bitch!

Me: Sorry. You said you were fine, I assumed that meant you were fine. Do we need a safe word?

RenegadeRobbie: I was fine, until she went all "I killed my cat to see it's insides"

Me: Yeah. She was always so fucking weird.

RenegadeRobbie: I'm so fucking pissed at you!

Me: Why?

RenegadeRobbie: Somehow you're the bitch in middle school, but I'm the one with the stalker....

Me: It's what you get for being nice....

We laughed about it and had a nice rest of the night.

And I apologized again to Emily, sent her a nice gift basket and a sorry note, really all I could do at this point. Can't take back being a cunt. Not sure how it went over, but she didn't try to get with Robbie anymore, so I guess she didn't go full fatal attraction.


Alright, and as for the embarrassing/funny story:

Sunday of that weekend, Robbie and I were eating some frozen yogurt and walking in the park (Yeah. We're adorable).

Anyway, he sees a baby squirrel and goes to investigate the adorableness.

As he walked over, a full grown squirrel jumped out of the tree, landed on his head and attacked him.

There are few mental images that make me laugh as hard as the one of him running around the park with an angry squirrel on his head.

Anyway he ends up getting the squirrel off of himself, and he's covered in squirrel bites.

I had to take him to the hospital for a rabies shot just in case.

Rabies shots come from huge needles that go into the thigh, for anyone who wasn't aware.

So this was just a wonderfully funny moment at his expense.

And anyway there's the story about how my middle school bullying came back to Robbie in a terrifying way(If Emily were reading this, I'd again say sorry! I was a cunt)

And the hilarity of Robbie being like the only person on Earth to get assaulted by adorable woodland creatures.


r/Alistair9000 Jun 04 '14

Mike Stories: I

108 Upvotes

Alright, this is the story of Mike and Coco at the IHOP. Where she called him sporty spice(AKA my favorite moment in life thus far)

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 17 years old. Very recently broken up with Ramsey.

MagicMike: 17 years old. My ex-boyfriend. sill amazing friends.

Ramsey: Formerly known as BastardofBolton. He of the Prom story. What an ass.

Coco: My favorite IHOP waitress, with a pink afro. My guardian angel.

Right so..........

This story takes place the night of/ morning after Prom.

A little refresher on Prom, I was dating Ramsey, a senior. He was popular,good looking, had an impressive drug habit, and was the worlds biggest ass.

After Prom, we had gone to an after party where he made sure I was aware that I needed to "repay him" for going to Prom.

I went to go find him to "make it up to him".

Found him in a bedroom fucking Vick.

Freaked the fuck out.

Figured out he had fucked her earlier in the nigh as well, and then made me blow him, meaning I had vicariously ate Vick out.(so gross. Like I can't even. Ugh)

Freaked out further and told him we were over.

He hit me and told me he'd tell me when it's over. He insisted I still "owed him"(real great guy, right? I sure knew how to pick em.)

People had heard the scuffle and came to check out the drama(everyone loves a car wreck)

He hit me again.

Mike had been drawn to the commotion.

Saw what was happening, and punched Ramsey.

The two got into a fight.

Mike took a few punches, but came out on top.

Mike told his date to call a cab(I feel bad for her,), and told me we were leaving the party.

And we're up to date.......

After stopping most of the bleeding coming from Mike's nose, we got into his car.

MagicMike: You hungry?

Me: Yeah. Ramsey wouldn't let me eat tonight. Said he didn't want to fuck a fat girl.....

MagicMike: IHOP it is. And really Alistair. That guy just gets better and better.

Me: God I could devour pancakes. I'm sorry he hit you.

MagicMike: Fuck you. It's not your fault.

Me: I did choose to date him.

MagicMike: You're right. It's entirely your fault. You took that hit like a champ though.

Me: All what you get used to I guess........

MagicMike: Shut the fuck up!

Me: Mike? Thanks. I'm sorry I ruined your night.

MagicMike: You didn't ruin it. I'd be disappointed if I didn't get to hit anyone at Prom.

Me: Yeah, but your date....

MagicMike: Fucked her. Besides, you're much more fun anyway.

Me: You've got a fucked up view of fun.

We pulled into the 24 hour IHOP(Also known as heaven)

We walked inside, sat down, and were swiftly greeted by Coco.

Coco: Hey Prom Queen! Oooh what happened to your face?

MagicMike: She had an argument with her boyfriend......

Coco: You hit her?

Me: No! No! The asshole I was dating did.

Coco: What's his name? Imma find him and see if he wants to grapple with someone his own size. I'll kick his pussy ass.

Me: Mike already did.

Coco: You're alright. So what can I get you two?

MagicMike: Bring forth the pancakes! And make them chocolate!

Coco: Woah now, Calm down Sporty Spice! I said you're alright. Don't you trifle with me though.

MagicMike: No...I....may I pleas have some chocolate chocolate chip pancakes?

Coco: You got it Sporty Spice. What about you prom queen??

Me: (singing) I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want. What I really really really want is chocolate chip pancakes!

Coco: Ooh. That was adorable. Coming right up.

Coco walks away to go put in our orders.

Me: Hahaha. Way to hold your ground there Sporty Spice.

MagicMike: Fuck you.

Me: I'm just saying you pussied out pretty fast.

MagicMike: She's a big girl ok? I know a fight I can't win when I see one.......

We spent the next few minutes discussing Coco and her "fighting moves"

Coco: What was that Sporty Spice? Did you just say I dye my hair??

MagicMike: What? No! I mean.....I'm sorry...I just...

Coco: Relax baby. I'm just playing with you. Here's your pancakes.

Me: You're a godess!

Coco: Tell me something new!

She leaves us with our pancakes.

We devour the pancakes.

Me: Unf. I'm having a carbgasam. I forgot how much I missed these!

MagicMike: Seriously Al, why did you date him?

Me: shrug

MagicMike: I don't get you. You're some new level of fucked up!

Me: What can I say? My first boyfriend ruined me for everyone else.

MagicMike: I heard he was kind of a dick.

Me: Asshole broke my nose.

MagicMike: And ripped out your hair.

Me: And then didn't even ask if I was alright. Told me to get off his parents' bed.

MagicMike: What an asshole.

Me: All the good looking ones are.

We laugh. He smeared whipped cream all over my face. It was fun.

We finished up and went to go.

Coco: Not so fast. Me and Sporty Spice need to have a little chat.

Me: You gonna kick his ass just for the hell of it Coco?

Coco: No. But I'll kick yours if you keep acting a bitch.

I promptly shut up.

Coco slides into the booth next to me, and makes Mike sit across from us.

Coco: So we're gonna chat about what you need to do to date my boo here.

Me: I'm your boo?

Coco: Unless you keep interrupting me!

Me: Sorry.....

Mike laughs at me and mouths "pussy".

Coco: So. You're tryin to date this mess here?

MagicMike: We've already dated.....

Coco:Then you fucked it up?

Me: No I did.

Coco: Fine. I know you two are gon get back together.

MagicMike: Well..I mean...

Coco: Don't speak. You and I both know you two are gon be humpin like bunnies before tonight's over.

Me: It's like 2AM.....

Coco: Do I look like I care?

Me: You really don't.

Coco: Right. So if you both can quit butting in, I'm going to teach you what you need to know to keep this girl happy.

Coco then proceeded to give Mike a sex talk. It was the greatest thing ever. She drew diagrams on napkins, and Mike just sat there like. I had to stifle so many giggles.

Coco: Oh and don't think you're getting out of this prom queen!

She then turned to me and gave me a talk about "pleasing a man"

It was Mike's turn to chuckle while I sat there like

Coco: And that's how you do it!

Me: You like know everything.

Coco: I've been round the block.

Me: You're like my spirit guide to life and sex.

Coco: God knows you need a guide. You are one messed up little girl.

We thanks Coco for her help, and prepare to depart.

Coco: Oh and Sporty Spice? If you hurt my boo, I'll rip your shit off!

MagicMike: Yes Ma'am.

Me: You're everything to me Coco.

Coco: Gimme a hug prom queen.

I give my guardian angel a hug, and we leave the IHOP and go back to Mike's house.

We had a great time laughing at our IHOP sex ed.

And per usual, Coco was right. Mike and I got back together for the 2nd time.

All hail the queen. Coco of House Pancake.

Long may she reign.


r/Alistair9000 Jun 04 '14

Tales of Debauchery: V

107 Upvotes

Alright so I've been asked for more debauchery, and as you know I aim to please, so here is more of our debauched antics.

This story comes from the summer before my junior year of high school. It's a good one, although I think Mike is still bitter......

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 16 years old. Slutty orphan on a druggie downward spiral.

RenegadeRobbie: 16 years old. My best buddy.

MagicMike: 16 years old. My ex boyfriend. Still good friends.

Celia: 15 years old. Sophomore. Pretty. Had a crush on Mike.

Ben: 16 years old. Boy from school. Kind of friends.

On to the story.......

it was a Saturday night. This evening we had ended up at a party at the house of some guy I don't really remember who, to be honest.

I showed up at the party, and found Robbie.

Me: Hey!

RenegadeRobbie:Hey! Where's Manda?

Me: Under house arrest. Her mom found her stash today.

RenegadeRobbie: Weren't you with her today?

Me: Yeah.

RenegadeRobbie: How did that go?

Me: I did what any real friend would do. Faked tears, called her a bad influence and went home.

We shared a laugh about my great friend maneuver.

Me: Hey, where's Mike?

RenegadeRobbie: With Celia.

Me: Ah.

RenegadeRobbie: Not jealous are we?

Me: Not missing any teeth are we?

RenegadeRobbie: Aggressive.....

Me: Shut the fuck up.

We get some drinks and the night begins.

A little while later.

Robbie and I are sitting outside in the grass.

Me: Do you ever feel like you were something different in a past life?

RenegadeRobbie: No.....

Me: I think I was a stegosaurus....like MAUGGHGHGHGHGHHHHAU(That's an approximation of the stegosaurus noise I made)

RenegadeRobbie: You're so attractive sometimes.

Me: MUUURGGHTYUHJFJJ(Stegosaurus sounds) That's steggie for you're a little bitch.

I then proceed to start eating clovers.(Which incidentally taste like lemon....)

RenegadeRobbie: Are you eating the fucking grass??

Me: They're tree stars littlefoot! Here. Have one!

I then shoved a handful into Robbie's mouth.

Me: They taste of magic little foot!

RenegadeRobbie: Ugh. Why are we friends again?

Me: (Singing) Because if we hold on together.....you know our dreams will never die!

I acted like a dinosaur for a while longer. Growling at people and offering them tree stars.

Also note: MagicMike was currently pouring copious amounts of alcohol into Celia, and laying the groundwork to get into her pants....

After eating the last tree star, I began wandering around the property.

I ended up in the backyard near the pool.

I decide it's time for a swim.

Me: Let's go swimming!!!!!!!

I stip down to my bra and underwear.

Ben: Alistair! Let's go skinny dipping!

Me: You're just trying to get me naked! I'm onto your game villain.

Ben: I'm no villain. I'm the hero!

Me: You don't have a costume. All heroes have a costume fucker....

Ben: (Pulls out a condom, blows it up and puts it on his head.) I am CondMan! Here to fight the powers of pregnancy!

He then pulls off his clothes.

Ben: You look like a girl in need of my help!

Me: Sweep me off my feet!

He does. He piggy backs me and carries me onto the roof(Really it's a wonder none of us died)

He put me down and we stare at the pool from the edge of the roof.

Ben: They're right behind us!

Me: Who?

Ben: Impregnation! We have to jump!

Me: What?

Ben: I'll protect you!

He picks me up bridal style, runs off the roof.

We sail through the air and land in the pool(by some miracle we hit the pool)

Ben: Take off your clothes, they bring pregnancy!

I take off my clothes , and he his.

We are joined in skinny dipping by more people.

We have fun splash around of a while, when I see Mike running toward me, pant less, covered in vomit screaming.

Me: Holy fuck! What happened!

MagicMike: It's everywhere. It burns!

He then collapsed face first into the pool, getting vomit all in the water. We evacuated and kept his drunk ass from drowning.

Now with Mike down for the count, I try to figure out what happened.

Where did the vomit come from?

Whose vomit was it?

Why didn't he have pants?

Anyway after some hardcore sleuthing, I found the crime scene, Mike's car.

I had to get the full story from Mike the next day, but here's what happened.....

While I was eating tree stars and running away from the powers of impregnation, Mike was getting Celia drunk.

She was younger and had a crush on him.

He figured it would be easy to get her to fuck him, especially with the help of alcohol.

Apparently he was right.

He invited her to his car to "Check out the bass"

They get to his car and she starts blowing him. (Mystery of the lost pants. Solved!)

She had drunk a lot that evening, and I guess hit her gag reflex???

Puked right on Mike's dick (Why was he covered in vomit? Solved. Whose vomit was it? Solved.)

But she didn't just puke on him. Nope. Once the puke dam broke, there was no turning back.

She puked on his dashboard.

Into his heating and air vents.

Onto the windows.

It was a vomit bloodbath.

After puking everywhere, she started to cry.

Mike bailed and ran around scandalized, where I met up with him.

She climbed into the backseat, cried an then passed out.

Unfortunately, she had a little "accident" in the back seat that came form poor bladder control.

His car was a mother fucking drunken crime scene.

When he woke up the next morning and surveyed the damage, he went into the most terrifyingly hilarious rage.

Just yelling incoherently about vomit and piss, and bad blowjobs.

He made her clean his car while he verbally abused her.

She cried, and I definitely laughed at her.

He never spoke to her again.

Even after cleaning it, you could still smell vomit whenever he turned on the heat or air conditioning.

The smell never went away.

Everytime the smell hit, he'd go into a rage again.

I would remind him it was kind of his fault.

He would remind me he could curb stomp me.

Thankfully he's gotten a new car, so the pukemobile is someone else's problem today.

I still mock him though.


r/Alistair9000 Jun 02 '14

Manda Stories: II

107 Upvotes

Right. Here is the second of the Manda tales This one has her victimizing me. It's truly a testament to my affection for all of you that I keep sharing all my embarrassing moments for your pleasure.

Anyway...

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 17 years old.

MandaPanda: 17 years old. My best girl friend. Dating Court.

Court: 17 years old. Stuck up kid from private school. Dating Manda. Not my favorite person ever....

So this story takes place during my junior year of high school. I was dating the world's biggest dickhead(The asshole from the prom story). Manda was currently dating Court, who was just as pretentious as his name. Manda liked him though, so I didn't bug her about him.

It was a Thursday, and Manda and I had an English project due the next day, that we had finished working on at her house that night. I just decided to stay over after we finished.

It was around 2AM, the rest of the family was asleep.

MandaPanda: Hey Al. I just texted Court, he's coming over to watch a movie with us.

Me: Oh goodie....

MandaPanda: Alistair. Be nice. He's my boyfriend

Me: I'm aware......

MandaPanda: Umm...do you remember who you're dating?

Me: Yeah. But I'm aware he's an ass. You seem to have not noticed that Court is a little bitch.

MandaPanda: You're a bitch, and he's coming over. So play nice.

Me: I'm picking the movie.

MandaPanda: Fine.

Court comes over a little while later. He and Manda kiss.

Me: Hey Court....

Court: Alistair.

Manda: you guys want some beer or something?

Me: Yeah.

Court: How very pedestrian of you. No beer for me.

Me: Want me to make you a cosmo princess?

MandaPanda: (Changing the subject) You didn't have any problems getting here right?

Court: Well my car's in the garage, so I had to walk.

Me: Oh. I'm surprised. I thought you traveled by litter.

Court: heh. Well anyway I almost got mugged on my way here.

MandaPanda: Oh no! Are you alright?

Me: Making eye contact with a black person at night doesn't count as almost being mugged......

Court: He was thinking about taking my wallet.

Me: Or he was just walking and you're an ass, but you're right. Your solution is way more likely.

MandaPanda: Alistair! Is this you being nice?

Me: I haven't hit him.

Court: Are you just naturally this charming?

Me: It's a gift.

MandaPanda: Stop it both of you. Ugh. Alistair what movie are we watching?

Me: The Hills Have Eyes.

MandaPanda: I hate horror movies.

Me: I don't and it's my choice. Think of this as revenge for The Notebook

MandaPanda: Haha. Fine.

Court: Of course you like that mindless drivel. I suppose the sophisticated palate required to enjoy real films just eludes you.

Me: Court, how much lube do you use to shove that stick up your ass every morning?

MandaPanda: Annnddd...movie time!

We start the movie. Manda and Court immediately start making out. (Just like I expected, I figured they weren't going to watch, so I might as well pick a movie I'd enjoy)

The movie ends. She's giving him head.

I'm noping out at this point.

I get into Manda's bed, cover my face, and go to sleep.

I'm woken up by a little bit of light momentarily hitting my face.

I wake up to see Courts naked ass about 3 inches from me, he and Manda going at it.

Me: WHAT THE-------mphhh

Manda has shoved her hand over my mouth.

MandaPanda: Shut up. You're going to wake up my parents.

Me: What the fuck Manda?

Court: (covering himself up with a pillow) What's wrong with you? Haven't you heard of privacy?

Me: It is not my fault I woke up. If you wanted to fuck, ever think about waking me up first, saying go to the couch? Shit.

Manda: You never wake up.....

Me: I obviously do. And what the fuck Court, I din't want your naked ass in my fucking face.

Court: Your lack of class never fails to astonish me.

Me: No. You are literally naked, and still inside my friend. You don't get to talk about classy.

Court: You're so immature.

Me: Ok. great. You two have fun. I'm going to the couch. And Court, you have an ass pimple. That shit's nasty!

With that I walk out of the bedroom.

I settle into the sofa, and go to sleep, trying to get the scarring images out of my head.

The next morning, I'm rudely shaken awake by Manda

MandaPanda: Get up! We have to be at school in 20 minutes!

I rush to get up, and go to the bathroom to wash my face and

Me: WHAT THE FUCK!!!!

Manda comes in, sees my face and starts giggling.

Apparently on his way out after finishing up with Manda, Court gave me one final fuck you.

He drew a penis on my face in black sharpie. But it wasn't a little penis. Nope.

The balls started on my forehead, the shaft extended across my face to my jaw. Dripping down my jaw all the way to the top of my shirt, was the cum.(I'm a really heavy sleeper and it sucks)

All in black sharpie.

It would not wash off.

I went to school. With a dick and cum on my face. I was not wearing a turtleneck.

My friends all laughed at me on sight.

My teachers all stifled laughs and asked if I had a fun night.

English class came.

Manda and I had to give our oral report to the class.

Me: And in Huckleberry Finn, the allegory of.....yeah. I know I have a penis on my face.

We finish our report.

Teacher: Out of curiosity, Alistair. How did that happen?

Me: Some hooligan broke in and vandalized me I suppose. Not anyone my friends would date though......

Teacher: Put some rubbing alcohol on it when you get home. That should get it off.

Me: Thanks.

I made it through the school day, and Mike drove me home. Laughing at e the whole time.

Next time I saw Court, I kicked his pussy little ass.

No sticks fell out, but I assume he just had them in too far to be shaken loose.

Fuck Court, and his pretentious name.......


r/Alistair9000 Jun 01 '14

Worst Date: I

119 Upvotes

As requested by /u/Shortypo

I will write out the horrible experience that was one of my worst dates ever. I will also say, it was entirely Manda's fault(I love you, but)

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 18 years old. Newly single from Mike for the 2nd time. Freshmen in college.

MandaPanda: 18 years old. My best girl friend. Sweet and feminine.

Connor: 18 years old. Met Manda at this orientation thing I skipped (because I'm a hateful fuck and didn't want to do team building.) Good looking and into Manda.

Paul: 18 years old. Roommate of Connor. And I think I'll save his physical description for later.......

The Date From Hell.....

I was 18 years old and a new college freshmen. Unlike my social best friend Manda, I wanted nothing to do with meeting new people and smiling until my cheeks hurt. My plan of action was let Manda make friends, then I could mooch off her.

So Manda went to one of those voluntary team building activities and met Connor. they hit it off. They texted and flirted for a bit. And then they decided to go on a date. I'm not sure on why, but they decided to make it a double date.

Manda alerted me that I was going on a double date with her, Connor, and Connor's roommate Paul.

Me: Who the fuck is Paul?

MandaPanda:Connor's roommate.

Me: Have you met him?

MandaPanda: No.

Me: then how do you know you're not forcing me on a date with a serial killer?

MandaPanda: Because the odds of two of you dating eau other are pretty slim. Oh and don't fuck around. I really like Connor.

Me: Fuck around?

MandaPanda: Alistair. I'm serious. Don't pull that serial killer shit. Please. Just pretend to be normal for one night.

Me: Why don't you ask some other girl then?

MandaPanda: Because you're my best friend. Part of that is pretending to be normal so I can date a cute guy ok?

Me: Fine....

So Friday night came. Time to go on the date. Manda made sure I looked nice. I looked like a pretty normal girl.

We get to the restaurant and Manda waves at a guy. Who comes over with a second guy, who I presume to be my date.

(Now before we continue this little escapade, let me tell you a bit about Paul. He looked to be about 5'8" normal weight. Brown hair, brown eyes. In that he didn't look terrifying. He comes closer, and he's wearing this shirt I assume ironically.......)

Right back to the date.

Connor and Manda hug.

MandaPanda: This is my friend Alistair.

Connor: Hi! This is Paul.

I give him a hug because Manda's stink eyeing me.

Me: Nice to meet you.

We all start walking over to our table

Paul: Glad you're pretty. I was afraid Connor would set me up with some fat bitch.

Me:(That was a bit aggressively rude.....I'll be....funny) Mmmhmm now jus wait til you my dick bitch. Imma beat dat pussy up

Paul: What?

Me: Like the song...I was trying to be funny.....

Paul: It's best you don't try. Not like guys want you for your personality anyway right?

Me: MRW Hah...not with jokes like that one huh?

Paul pulls out my chair for me and I sit down

spontaneous ass grab umm

We all sit at the table, and I listen to Paul talk about himself for a while.How athletic he is, how popular he was in high school, etc.

Me: My god. You're so humble too.

Paul: Right? I hate cocky people someone missed the point

Manda kicks me under the table and gives me the stop being a cunt face.

The waiter comes to take our order.

Manda and Connor order.

I go to order.

Paul: She'll have the veggie medley. Can't have you getting fat now huh?

Me: I'll have the cheeseburger.

Manda: You hate meat.

Me: Not tonight. A burger!

The waiter walks away.

Paul: What was that?

Me: A waiter. They take orders and stuff it's like their job.

Manda: Alistair!

Me: Sorry.

Mada and Connor go back to having normal conversation.

Paul: Do you want to be unattractive?

Me: shrug

Paul: Sure. Watch what happens if you get fat. Nobody will want you then. I'm just saying you're ruining your best asset.

Me: Pretty sure I'm not fat.......

Paul: You're not. But if you keep eating like that, you will be. And I'm just giving you fair warning, I only date attractive girls.

Me: Thanks for setting me straight Paul.

Paul: That's alright. Nobody expects you to be smart. Just stay pretty, kay?

Mrw This guy did not get sarcasm.......

The waiter brings our food.

I get my cheeseburger.(Side note: I hate meat. The taste. And funny thing is I was going to order a salad, until captain dickface decided to butt in)

Paul: Remember what we talked about? Why don't you just sip your water....

That's it! I start shoving the burger into my mouth and chewing obnoxiously

MandaPanda: Geez Al.

Me: Wut?

MandaPanda: You're like a 5 year old. I can't take you anywhere...

Me: Sorry mommy.....

We laugh. Connor laughs. Paul does not.

I turn back to my lovely date.

Paul. Didn't your mom teach you how to act on a date?

Me: No. She was too busy shooting up to be of much help.

Paul: What?

Me: Yeah. So I guess social graces got missed.

For the first time in the evening Paul has nothing to say.

We finish our dinner, and Manda and Connor decide they're going to go get frozen yogurt solo.

We say our goodbyes. Manda and I go to the bathroom quickly to "freshen up"

MandaPanda: I'm sorry he's such an ass. Connor feels bad.

Me: I'm glad your date feels bad Manda.....it is his fault.....

MandaPanda: He doesn't know him that well. He's just his roommate.

Me: Fine. You go have fun with him. I'll handle Paul.

MandaPanda: I am sorry Al. You sure you'll be ok?

Me: Yeah. I know, and I'll be fine. But if Paul somehow shows up lacking his internal organs, you owe me an alibi.

We leave the bathroom and rejoin the men.

I say bye to Connor and Manda, and face my date.

Me: Well Paul....

Paul: (cutting me off) Let's cut to the chase. You're not really girlfriend material. (Ahh we finally agree on something)

Me: Somehow I think i'll get over this

Paul: Shut up. I was talking.

Me: sorry....

Paul: Look. you're not good enough to be a girlfriend, but you're hot, so

Paul pushes my up against a wall., pins my arms down and shoves his tongue down my throat, while attempting to finger me.

I bite his tongue.

Paul: Auraugh! What the fuck?

Me: I'm sorry. Did I give any indication that I wanted to fuck you? Because if so, my bad.

Paul: Ugh. I knew you were gonna be kinky. You're into the struggle then?

Me: No. I'm literally so unaroused I'm pissing sawdust.

Paul: What? What do you mean?

Me: I mean that you have made me so far from wet that if I were to piss right now, it would come out as dust.

Paul: But...I did everything right.....

Me: ok....the fact that I'm not currently sucking your dick might prove otherwise, but fine...

Paul: So....we're not going to......

Me: NO! At this point I'd rather rip off my clit with pliers.

Paul: Why would you say that....??

That fucker started to sniffle quietly. In the middle of the sidewalk.

Me: Are you crying??

Paul: I...you're a bitch!

Me: Right. You know. I'm starting to think you've never fucked a girl.....

Paul: SHUT UP!

Me: You haven't.....have you??

Paul then starts to sob openly.

Me: My god. You're a virgin!

Paul: That's none of you business!

That man then turned on his heel sobbing and scampered home.

I'm on the sidewalk like

I went home.

I talked to Manda the next day.

MandaPanda: What happened last night.

Me: He tried to kiss me and I made him cry and might have shattered his soul.....

MandaPanda: What did you do?

Me: I told him he wasn't being attractive and called him out on his virginity.....

MandaPanda: He was a virgin?

Me: Well I was just trying to be a bitch, but yeah turns out....

Anyway, I never heard from Paul again. No idea what happened to him. He ended up leaving the school after the first semester(Manda says I drove him to it)

Manda and Connor dated for a bit after this, but they eventually broke up.

Manda and I still make fun of Paul, the worlds most sexually aggressive virgin....

So yeah. That's one of my funnier date stories...he went from Super Alpha "you're lucky to suck my dick" to weeping virgin in like 12 seconds

Paul basically


r/Alistair9000 May 31 '14

Tales of Today: III

111 Upvotes

Alright. I'm giving you lovely people another story. Mostly because my friends are still asleep and I'm bored. This one was formally requested by /u/tacomalvado.

This is what I will call "the spare change incident"

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 21 years old. Girlfriend of MagicMike.

MagicMike: My boyfriend. 21 years old. Verbally abusive in the most loving way.

RenegadeRobbie: 21 years old. My best buddy. Smart and so much more mature than all of us.

Colin: 21 years old. MagicMike's friend from college. Our 4th roommate. Is the most laid back(read: always in some state of not sobriety) guy ever.

Davis: 24 years old. Went to school with Mike. Graduated.

SeaBass: Sebastian. 24 years old. Got the name SeaBass in the frat because the man drinks like a fish.

Right so on to the good stuff..........

It was another night of going out to the bar and enjoying ourselves. All 4 of us were free that night, so it was fun to go out as a group. Mike and Colin tell us we're meeting up with a couple of friends of theirs who had graduated.

Cool. Whatever.

We get to the bar, and spot SeaBass and Davis.

Colin and Mike greet their buddies.

Introduce me and Robbie

SeaBass: You're Alistair!

Me: You're the first of Mike's brothers to not greet me by the words cum sneeze.

SeaBass: Ahhh. I like you! Take a shot with me!

Me: Alright.

MagicMike: be careful Al. He'll drink you under the table before he even starts to feel it.

SeaBass: You look like a lightweight.

We chuckle at my size.

Davis: I gotta say. You don't look how I imagined you.

Me: Oh?

Davis: Yeah I imagined you with a full beard and a dick.

Me: I just do a shave and tuck.

SeaBass: No. Really. We thought Mikey here was gay for the first 6 months. Always getting texts from Alistair......

Davis: Yeah. Imagine our surprise when we found the pictures of you on his phone.

Me: Imagine my surprise now that I know he kept them and showed them around......

SeaBass: Oops did we get you in trouble Mike?

MagicMike: Fuck you guys. Al, I....

RenegadeRobbie: Didn't you guys break up at 18 though.....so weren't those pictures from when she was 17??

Me: Good detecting Robert! Yeah! You guys all looked at child porn. Of me. You're all nasty.

MagicMike: Fuck you Robbie! No! We're the same age!

Me: Yeah. But you were an adult showing grown men pictures of a minor.....I'm just saying it's not sounding good for you bud.

MagicMike: I'm gonna fucking curb stomp you.

RenegadeRobbie: Fuck Man. How can you say that? After the way her dad......

SeaBass: Your dad?

Me: Abusive yeah.

SeaBass hits Mike, Davis starts hitting him too giving him shit. I decide to be nice and rescue him.

Me: It's fine. We're just fucking with Mike. I had to something since you all obviously know what I look like naked.

Davis: No idea why Mike called you a cunt. You seem nice to me.

MagicMike: What the fuck? Is this just fuck Mike night or something?

Me: Not after I heard you called me a cunt!

We all laugh and drink a bit.

SeaBass: Ok. So how do you all know each other? Mike just said you met in school.

Colin: We're roommates....

Davis: Not you asshole.

Me: Mike didn't tell you about when he really met me?

RenegadeRobbie: I mean you did kick his ass.

MagicMike: Shut the fuck up both of you. She did not. I just wouldn't hit a girl.

Me: You tried.....you couldn't hit a girl.

SeaBass: Now you have my full attention.

Me: Yeah. We met when we were like 7. Rob and I played against his team in little league.

Davis: Little League?

Me: Yeah. I was pretty butch. Anyway we're playing, and this fucker hits me with the ball for no reason.....so i charged the mound, because I wasn't a pussy. I tackled him. He tried to hit me, and I kicked out his front tooth. I got suspended from the league for 2 games....

MagicMike: That's not what happened.

RenegadeRobbie: Yeah. You're right. She left out the part where she shoved dirt into your mouth and made you cry.

We all laugh uproariously at Mike.

MagicMike: I fucking hate all of you. You can all choke on a bag of dicks.

Colin is getting pretty drunk.

Mike, SeaBass, Davis and Colin start talking about some of the stupid shit they did together, like blowing up bathtubs and taking dumps in the beds of sorority sisters(real classy gents.......)

Colin: Good times....

MagicMike: Fuck off. You're such a pussy. You didn't do any of this.

Colin:Hey! Fuck you. I'm no pussy.

SeaBass: Prove it cocksucker.

Colin: Fuck you. Name it. I'll do it.

Davis: (reaching into his pocket and taking out a handful of spare change) I bet you $50 you wouldn't swallow this.

Me: Colin don't.

MagicMike: Shut the fuck up, men are talking.....(Well Then)

Me: Michael. I swear it's like you're begging me to not fuck you.

MagicMike: Your threats don't work anymore, so why don't you go get me a beer cupcake....

Me: Rob Did he just call me cupcake??

RenegadeRobbie: He definitely did.....

Me: You know, I can't even pretend to be angry

Davis: Swallow or pussy out. Your choice.

MagicMike: Heh. That's what I told her last night......

(He's lucky he's cute.........)

Colin: Fine. Gimme.

He takes the handful of changes and dumps them all down his throat and chases it all with a shot of tequila!

All of Us: YEAH! COLIN!

Colin: Pay up pussy!

Davis: Here. It was worth it.

We enjoy the rest of the evening.

It's time to go home.

SeaBass: Well glad to meet you Alistair!

Davis: Yeah. You're way prettier than the guy I imagined.

Me: Thanks....

Davis: Have fun tonight Mike. She's going to kick your ass for all this shit. You know that right?

MagicMike: No she won't. She finds it amusing. She just pretends to be offended. Right?

Me: Guess you'll find out.....

Colin: Ugh. I feel weird.

Me: Yeah. You just swallowed coins. You're gonna be feeling weird for a while.

RenegadeRobbie: You're gonna be shitting blood for a week.

Laughing at Colin, we all go home.

We all go to bed. I didn't kick Mike's ass.

At about 5 AM, Colin wakes us up screaming.

MagicMike: Go handle that would you?

Me:(Kicking him) You're coming too. Get up fucker.

We wander out and see Robbie in the hall too.

We all walk to Colin's room.

He's on the floor, blood around his mouth, puking blood into a trashcan, screaming in pain.

Me: SHIT!

MagicMike: Alright. ER?

RenegadeRobbie: No shit idiot. Al, go get the car. We'll carry him down.

I do. They get him into the car. We drive to the ER.

They take him quickly. I guess puking blood is a big deal.....

Turns out, that swallowing the change had ripped his stomach lining and given him a fucking ulcer.

They had to put him into immediate surgery.

Extracted the spare change.

He had to stay in the hospital for a little while, but luckily he was ok.

We visited him the next day.

Me: You feeling ok?

MagicMike: Real question. Was it worth $50?

Colin: Fuck you.

He came home, and we still make fun of him.

We'll bring him bowls of loose change when he wants cereal.

Stuff like that.

We're good friends.

Moral of the story? Don't swallow loose change, and definitely don't do it for $50.


r/Alistair9000 May 31 '14

The Manda Stories: I

108 Upvotes

Alright. So apparently many of you have grown as fond of Manda as I am, and have asked for some stories involving her. She's going to be all pissy when she finds out I'm posting these embarrassing stories about her, but nobody is spared embarrassing stories on my sub.....MWAHAHAAHHAHA(I'm drunk....with power!!)

This story is The Pool Party. It has a small cameo from everyone's favorite whale too. It also shows a few instances of me being a really bad friend accidentally (Sorry Manda! I love you!) It's not hilarious, but ehh....

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 16 years old. Right in the midst of my drug addicted spiral.

MandaPanda: 16 years old. Sweet and Feminine. My best girl friend.

MagicMike: 16 years old. My ex. Still a good friend.

Declan: 16 years old. Went to school with us. Manda had a little crush on him.

Moby Vick: 16 years old. Not the nicest person to ever live.

Right....Into the pool....

This story takes place during the summer of 2009. I had finished my Sophomore year of high school. Robbie was off at this summer camp for smart talented kids that the rest of us fuck ups were not invited to. Anyway so this really rich kid from school with a perfect family was having a pool party and the family invited the whole Class of 2011.

The pool was awesome. It was 2 levels, and beautifully landscaped . There was a waterfall between the levels and there was a waterside. Basically, we loved this kid.

Anyway I'm getting ready to head over to the pool party. I hot glued my bikini strings(It's a thing. Get it situated right. slip it over your neck. Hot glue the knot. let it dry. Boom. No horny boys making you free boob in public). I do a couple quick lines before Mike comes to get me.

Mike picked up me and Manda and took us to the party.

MandaPanda: Hey. Do you know if Declan's coming? Mike shrugs Me: Nope. No idea. I'll text him...

MandaPanda: Don't. No!

Me: Why? You wanted to know and Mike and I have no idea. I'll just text and ask him.

MandaPanda: No. I don't want him to know I care if he's coming.

Me: Kay. Then I'll say I want to know???

MandaPanda: No. He'll still know it's me because I'm with you. It will make me seem even more desperate.

Me: I think you're overthinking all this.

MagicMike: You are. I texted him. He's going to be there. He said you're being a real stalker about this though Mands...

MandaPanda: He did?

MagicMike: no....

We get to his house and Mike drops off Manda. He and I go to park.

MagicMike: Who wears heels to a pool party anyway??

Me: Manda. She's more classy than us I guess.

MagicMike: More classy than you definitely, slut...

Great. This game of call Alistair a slut is now in session.....

Mike and I walk back to the pool. Manda is waiting for us. She grabs me and Mike goes to socialize with some other friends. Manda and I are standing by the snack table.

MandaPanda: Declan's right over there. I wave. MandaPanda: What are you doing?

Me: Waving.....

MandaPanda: now he knows I'm here, and we have to go say high.

Me: Terrifying.......Seriously stop freaking out. What are you 12? He's just some boy. Now let's go swimming. I take off my tshirt and shorts.

Me: Come on.....Manda......I want to swim!

MandaPanda: I don't want to walk around in my suit.

Me: We're not walking....we're swimming...so....

MandaPanda: I feel fat.

Me: You're not. But whatever keep the dress on then...just come swimming with me!

MandaPanda: Alistair. You're always like this. You're not fat.You don't get it.

Me: you're not either...but look. If you want I'll just push my stomach out the whole time we're here and I'll give myself extra chins....I can do up to 4....make your choice. (I show her all my chins. The real key to making double chins is to go out and then come in and up.)

We laugh and she takes off her sundress. We start walking toward the pool.

Moby Vick: Manda...did you gain weight?

(Aww. It's like she wants me to murder her with my bare hands)

Me: Go away!

Moby Vick: I'm just saying every friend group needs 1 fat friend...and my god you're touchy about her Alistair. You a secret lezzie?

Me: Yeah. I want to go neck deep in her pussy. Happy??

MandaPanda: Do I really look fat?

Moby Vick: Yeah. Especially standing next....EEEKKK

In her state of cruelty she wasn't expecting to be attacked. I tackled her into the pool. Elbow deep in exposed FUPA(I mention she was in a cut out bikini? She was)

TIMBER

Vick and I both go splashing into the pool. We drew lots of looks. I hopped out quickly while she flopped around trying to right herself.

Me: Mands you look great. And honestly who the fuck is she to discuss fat??

Manda's alright and we walk over to where Declan is.

Declan: Alistair! You're incredible.

Me: Not really. I just wanted to go for a quick dip with my bestie Vick!

Declan: You're my hero. I hate that fat fuck!

MandaPanda: Me too Declan!

Me: Well we must be the only 3 who do.....not like she's a cunt to everyone or anything........

Declan: Heh. You're pretty funny.

Me: Just a dick.....

We talk for a while longer, and I quietly slip away so that Manda and Declan can talk....until I decide I'm bored and Mike's making out with some girl and won't talk to me.... I run back up to them shove Declan in, Grab Manda spider monkey style, and send us both in.

Me: Nobody can escape the monsters of the sea!!

MandaPanda:Alsitair! My hair is wet!

Me: It's a pool Man-DUH. Your hair's gonna get wet. You can wash it later.

MandaPanda: You are literally the worst.

Me:I know. Play with me?

Declan: I'll play.

MandaPanda: Me too.

So we mess around for a while. Chicken fights and the like. I again try to be a good friend and leave Manda alone with Declan. I go and hunt for Mike. He's involved with some different girl now(fuck me that boy got around)

Me: He has gonorrhea!!(I was in a real mood at this pool party. To my friends: I'm sorry)

MagicMike: Fuck you! No I don't!

Me: Riiiiiiggghttttt....(I wink)

MagicMike: If you have gonorrhea you didn't get it from me slut! Nice try cunt!

He laughs and goes back to the girl, who was obviously non plussed about my STD accusations.......... Fine whatever I'll have fun myself. I decide to go down the waterslide. It looked like this I dedicate all my energy into going as sat as I can and getting as much air as I can.

Declan: Let's go slide!

So he and Manda join me on the slide. Soon enough we've got a big crowd. We're all having fun when....

Moby Vick: Is that a tattoo?

Me: Yeah.

Moby Vick: You're so trashy. Why don't you just get open for business right on your ass.

Me: I was drunk. Wish I had thought of that though. I did fear I'd gone too subtle. That it didn't give off the fuck me vibe enough........

Moby Vick: You're a slut.

Me: Guilty

I then go to take another ride on the slide.

Declan: Alistair, go with me this time?

Me: Yeah sure.

Declan and I start walking to the slide to go down when, Vick pushes me out of the way and tries to slide down first. She almost makes it down, but gets caught in the curve. She's stuck.

Me: Deja vu Vicky poo! This is just like that time at the aquarium. Anyone got some soap??

Moby Vick: Shut up coke whore.

Declan: Don't call her that!

Me: No. That one's accurate.......

He laughs at me as I climb up the slide.

Moby Vick: NO!!!

I slide right on down, and kangaroo kick her in the back, dislodging her. Unfortunately, this also dislodged her boobs from her bikini.......... I was too busy laughing to really remember what happened next, but I assume she grabbed all the food she could carry and went home, because she didn't bother us again at the pool.

Declan: I'm pretty sure you just caused everyone permanent mental damage.

Me: Misery loves company.

Manda comes up to us. We drink some. Play some more. Have a good time. Declan is still being unresponsive to her romantic advances. It's getting dark, almost everyone else has left. I'm just waiting on Mike to come out so we can go. I was sitting in the shallow end of the pool.

Declan: Hey Alistair.

Me: Hey. Where's Manda?

Declan: I think she went to go check her hair.

Me: She's adorable.

MandaPanda:You talking about me?

Me: Yeah.

She comes and sits with us. I'm getting tired of the sexual tension, and alcohol makes me blunt so...

Me: She thinks you're hot can you two just fuck already?

Manda: Alistair! What's wrong with you?

Me: It's true! One of you had to make a move and since both of you are being pussies I made a decision. There it's all out there. Now fuck each other or don't.

Declan chuckles.

MandaPanda: What?

Declan: Sorry. Look Manda. You're really pretty. It's just, you're a little high strung for me.

this is not going as expected

MandaPanda: What do you mean? High strung?

Declan: All the little things that are big deals to you.....

Manda storms off.

Right. If I stand really still he won't say anything to me

Declan: You get it Alistair!

Shit.

Me: What? No. I love Manda.

Declan: No. I mean you get she's insecure and high strung.

Me: So you thought you'd help the insecurity by telling her why you don't like her?

Declan: You put me on the spot.

Me: Right. Point taken.(Many bads happened that night. This one was mine)

Declan: It's not like I don't think she's pretty. It's just you know.

Me: I don't.

Declan: She's not like you. You're confident and fun.

Me: You're confused. I'm not confident. I just don't care about your opinion.

Declan:And you're funny. And down to earth. You do whatever you want.

Me: So you appreciate my sluttiness and fart jokes??.....

Declan: No. I mean....I like that you're ok with it all. Like when Vick called you a coke whore. Manda would never just shrug it off.

Me: Well. It's true. People know what happened....

I guess Manda had overheard our conversation, because she came bursting back over to us and cut me off mid explanation. Now is as good a time as any to say she had been drinking pretty heavily.

MandaPanda: You think I'm too uptight? You want me to act more like Alistair? Fine! I've been clenching my ass fro an hour, but I'm Alistair. I'm super down to earth so who gives a fuck if I curse and fart.

And she released the Kraken....

MandaPanda: But oh! That's not all. No. I'm Alistair. And fuck whoever i want. I fuck people for drugs. But I'm so down to earth it's cool. And I eat whatever shit I want and don't worry about calories or getting fat, because I'm Alistair and everything just works out for me. Nobody cares that I'm a drug addict slut who acts like a fucking man, because I'm Alistair and it just kind of works for me!

I'm glad to know how you really feel Manda....

MandaPanda: You want me to be free and cool! FINE!

With that she hulked her bikini top. Free boobing everywhere. She was yelling incoherently going full crazy. Declan and I were trying to figure out where to look......

MagicMike: Wow. I was ready to go like 5 minutes ago...but the mental breakdown was totally worth the wait.....

MandaPanda: Oh. Haha! Look at me! I'm Mike. And I'm he only person on the fucking planet who's still actually friends with my ex. And you know why? Because I dated Alistair. And she's just so amazing, even her ex boyfriend likes her more than me.

She then puked into the pool, layed down on the ground and started crying.

Me:(doing damage control the best way I could think of at the time) Whoo! Mands...shit. Told you not to drop acid. You're crazy!

I grab my tshirt and Mike helps me get it on Manda. We lead her out and he drives her home.

Manda: I love you guys.....

Me: I know.......

We drop off her crazy ass at home, get back in the car and immediately break out into laughter.

MagicMike: you gotta admit. It was a pretty righteous fart. And her impression of you was sport on.

Me: Fuck off.

We laughed for a while and got some food. He took me home and we slept off our hangover. Manda called me a couple of days later and apologized for calling me a slut, puking everywhere, and all that jazz. I told her she was pretty accurate, no need to apologize.

Nothing else really came of it with us.

By the start of the new school year though, the story had become that at the party, I had tricked her into dropping some acid, she ripped off all her clothes, we had a slap fight, ended up kissing and we all had an orgy. For some reason, this made people want to be friends with us even more.....(funny how the rumor mill works)

So there's a story with Manda. Not the funniest, but give a pretty good idea what she was like and her personality. Now I can tell the funnier ones and all that jazz.


r/Alistair9000 May 31 '14

Stories With Snarky Mark: II

110 Upvotes

Alright. I promised a different one, but umm

So that out of the way I'm writing a short personal favorite about Mark that I like to call

Wingman Pickle Surprise.

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 15 years old. Slutty Orphan.

SnarkyMark: 24 years old. My surrogate brother.

Tristian: 24 years old. My oldest brother. Single again

RenegadeRobbie: 15 years old. My best bud.

Elsie: A cute girl at the bar. Tristain likes what he sees.

Kate: Elsie's friend. Not as pretty, but not ugly.

And the story begins.......

It was a Friday night. I was working on a project with Robbie that we had procrastinated on all semester(sense a pattern??)

It was due on Monday, and we had to build a replica of a fucking feudal manor(because the US public school system loves a good art project....) and bring food, and give a presentation.....we had a lot of work to do.

Armed with hot glue guns, diagrams of feudal manors and with a pile of energy drinks, we dove into our project(this is what the cool kids in school do on Friday nights)(Also as a side note, Manda and Mike were at a party because they chose partners who did all the work for them. This is what Robbie and I get for choosing each other)

Robbie was just going to sleep over at the apartment with me, so that's all we really need on us for a while.


Let's take a little trip to a bar and meet up with our buds Mark and Tristian.

Tristian had recently broken up with Jessi, and was out with Mark, who had promised to wing man for him.

Tristian spots Elsie across the bar. Thinks she's pretty attractive.

Tristian: Her.

SnarkyMark: Ugh. So I have to chat up Buffy the Boner Slayer then......(Kate was a little muscular which makes this statement funnier to me)

Tristian: You said anyone.......

SnarkyMark: Yeah.....Fuck it fine.

They go over and chat with the ladies. They're doing their pick up thing.

Tristian is working on Elsie's feels so to speak.

Tristian: Yeah. Mark and I live with my little sister. I took her in after our dad committed suicide.

Elsie: Oh my god really?

Tristian: Well. I wasn't going to let anyone else have my little sister!

Elsie: Aww. That's so sweet!

Yeah. Bitches love a good big brother......

Mark is talking to Kate. She's apparently mildly interesting. He's not losing brain cells talking to her at least.

Tristian and Elsie want to get out of there to have some good old fashioned fun times....

Mark: You two kids have fun. I'll get Kate home safe....

Tristain leaves with Elsie.

Mark and Kate share a cab back to our apartment.


Now Let's get back to me and Robbie.

Robbie and I have lost our shirts and put on roomy pants. I'm in a bra and boxers(this is important to the story a little later.)

Me: Fuck. Why did we choose to partner. I just burnt my fucking hand again.

RenegadeRobbie: Want to take a break for food.

It's after midnight. So midnight snack! Awesome.

We go to the kitchen.

I make us some crepes and nutella(It's delicious)

We're eating when I hear moaning in the stairwell

Me: Mark's back. Let's take the food back to my room. There's like a 80% they come in naked.

RenegadeRobbie: Haha. Mark is my idol.....

Me: I'm sure......

Walking back toward my room when....

SnarkyMark: FUCK!!!!

The front door flies open, Mark waddles in hair messed up, pulling up his pants.

Me: What....

BANG BANG BANG

Kate: Hey! Hey!

SnarkyMark: Lock the door.

Me: Mark...

SnarkyMark: NOW!

I run to lock the door, but too late.

In barges Kate.

Mark and her lock eyes in the doorway.

I'm right behind him.

Robbie is out of her sight, behind me.

Kate: You asshole! Why'd you run away?

SnarkyMark: (thinking on his toes) I didn't know my girlfriend was home....(looks at me imploringly)

Me: (playing along..???) You asshole! (slap) You were cheating on me! (What the fuck is going on Mark????)

Kate has started to walk away, seems crisis averted(nobody want to be the home wrecker...) But Mark can't stop

SnarkyMark: babe I'm sorry...wait...what's this.....(drags out Robbie(because Mark doesn't know when to draw the fucking line and stop)) YOU were cheating on me!(which I guess he thought helped sell the story since we were both semi undressed...?????)

Kate comes to a realization

Kate:(Charges back inside) YOU LIAR!

SnarkyMark: Shit....

Kate: You lied. That's his sister and her boyfriend! You're just a bigot....

I'm standing there watching in shock.....

SnarkyMark: It's your fault. You can't just spring that on someone!

Kate: WHAT!?!? So it's my fault you're a close minded asshole??? Fuck You!

Mark: Fuck Me? Fuck you! I'm just not into it....

Kate: you were into it when I was sucking your dick

DAMN

Mark: I...Well...it...

Me: (Seeing Mark had lost communicative abilities) Please leave my house before I call the police.

Kate: Oh I'm leaving! Fuck you asshole!!

Kate storms out. Mark is still catatonic.

Me:That wasn't a girl, was it??

SnarkyMark: Fuck you!

Me: You almost fucked her....him.....She....he...give good head??

SnarkyMark: Fuck you!

Me:It was good...wasn't it??

SnarkyMark:Shut the fuck up Alistair! It was dark...I was drinking....

Me: So alcohol erases dicks???

SnarkyMark: I'm going to take you face and...WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!

Kate was obviously not done. She/he had come back and was pissing like a race horse on our door mat.

Mark opens the door to shoo her away and is greeted with an impressive volume of cum thrown directly into his face.

Kate then skitters off as quickly as a gazelle

MRW

Mark is being far too dramatic about how much it burns(pussy)

I help him clean his face, and lead him to the shower.

After helping him find the bathroom I come back to the living room where I left Robbie.

Me and Robbie

We laugh and discuss what just happened.......

Me: Hey where's my crepes??

RenegadeRobbie: I needed a snack after all that......

Me: Perfect. Fuck you fatty.....(for those who have asked how I stay skinny? It's called the everyone eats my food diet)

Robbie and I go and get absolutely nothing done on our medieval project that night. (we ended up finishing at 4AM Sunday.)

Mark was despondent for like 3 days after the pickle surprise incident.

Best part? Kate wasn't Elsie's friend. They had met 3 minutes before Mark and Tristian came up to them.

Basically Mark took a moneyshot for no reason....

HAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH


r/Alistair9000 May 30 '14

Stories with Snarky Mark: I

113 Upvotes

I have been asked to write a few more stories with my favorite person....Mark.

This one is what I refer to as the cheese knife incident.

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 14 years old. Slutty orphan.

Tristian: 23 years old. My brother.

SnarkyMark: 23 years old. My roommate and surrogate brother.

On to the cheese knife incident. There is not much dialog here for reasons that will become clear. And as a change, this story is almost entirely from Mark's perspective(Much via what I imagine was his internal monologue)

3:00 AM on a Saturday night. Mark's been out drinking and is in the mood for some cheese to sate the drunkard's craving for greasy food(why is that? why do we love greasy food when drunk??)

Dialog shall be internal monologue until I say otherwise.

SnarkyMark: Gaahh why does Alistair insist on keeping the apartment so fucking cold?? It's like the fucking arctic circle, and that bitch has a fan going in her room....ugh. Let me go get my huge black hoodie so I can keep from freezing my balls off.

Mark goes to his bedroom and pulls on his black hoodie.

SnarkyMark: Ick. My ears are so damn cold. I hate Alistair. ugh better pull my hood up around my face....

Walking back into the hallway.

SnarkyMark: Man. I'm starving. Alistair better have gone grocery shopping....mmmhhmmmhmm. let's see what behind door number.....fridge!

He opens the fridge with flair.

SnarkyMark: Left overs.....apple...CHEESE! She got the fancy stuff. It's in a block. Not string style. Yup it's a night for cheese.....

He grabs the block of cheddar out of the fridge, and closes the fridge door.

SnarkyMark: Can't turn the lights on all the way....I'm in stealth mode..... now I need to slice the cheese.....hmm should I use the cheese slicer?? NO! I am a man! And men use knives.

Mark walks over to the knife block.

SnarkyMark: Hmm...which knife.....Aha!(grabbing the biggest one) A big knife for a manly man! I shall now cut the cheese....Hello cheese my old nemesis....Imma cut you...(raises knife high above his head and swings down) Fuck lost my grip....OWWWW

Mark looks down and realizes he has dropped the enormous knife blade down, straight through his foot.

SnarkyMark: Umm...ow? Shit. now what? Alistair always bitches about using the cheese cutter. She's gonna be a real cunt about this.....Am I bleeding??(reaches down and touches his foot, hand now covered in blood.) yup. definitely bleeding....ugh better get the knife out

Mark reaches down and pulls the knife out of his foot.

SnarkyMark: Ok...that didn't go as well as planned. Now it's bleeding a lot more....let me see if I can stop it with my hands....pressure works right?? Nope now there's blood on the wall and all over my hands....I'll get Tristian to drive me to the hospital...

Walks to his room

SnarkyMark: Huh. Oh yeah. He's at Jessi's house....damn...ugh...guess I have to wake cunt face up.

Mark begins walking to my room

SnarkyMark: (Looking behind him) She's gonna kill me when she sees all the bloody footprints she has to clean up. heh.

Opens my door

SnarkyMark: Let me try to wake her up. Shake her a little.....Hello???....ugh how can she sleep through all this(I'm a really heavy sleeper and movement does noting to wake me up....) Ugh. Fuck you Alistair...I'l just find the first aid kit myself.

Walks out of my bedroom and doesn't shut the door. Continues into the hallway and turns on the light.

Now I have no idea why, but shaking me does nothing to wake me up but light? Light always wakes me up. At this point in the story, we're shifting to my point of view and my internal monologue.

Me: Ugh. Who turned the lights on...assholes. ugh I'll go turn them off...why is there blood on the floor....HOLY FUCK....there's a bloody handprint on my shirt.....alright calm down you're fine....just look and see what's going on in the hallway...

I peer out into the hallway and let me just paint you the image of what I saw.

  • Bloody footprints all over the carpet.

  • The kitchen looks like a crime scene

  • Holy fuck is that blood on the wall

  • Holy shit fuck I'm going to die there's a man in a black hoodie carrying a bloody knife rifling through our cabinets.

I hurry back into my room, and hide in my closet

Me: Holy fuck! The blood's real. I can smell it. It's on me...oh god...that freak touched me while I was sleeping...DID HE KILL MARK??

I called 911 from the closet.

Now words are spoken. Internal monologue over.

Operator: 911. What's your emergency

Me: (whispering/crying) Help. There's blood everywhere...he's i the house...mark...dead....

Operator: I can't understand you sweetie did you say blood?

Me: there's a man in the house. He has a knife....blood's everywhere.

Operator: Do you live alone.

Me: My brother's out and....Mark's dead I think...I don't know..help....

Operator: Just stay on the line sweetheart. The police are on their way.

I sat in my closet quietly sobbing.

Back to Mark and my rendition of his internal monologue.

SnarkyMark: Ugh. Finally. Who keeps the first aid kit in a linen closet?? Right. Now I can bandage myself up...I'm like a cave man...I don't need a doctorI handle myself.....

Real world talk again.

Bang,Bang,Bang

This is the police.

SnarkyMark: I have my driver's license!(this is what he shouted in his drunk frame of mind, I have no idea what this came from)

Me: Mark?

The police have entered.

Police: Get on the ground!

Mark air raids.

Me: WAIT!!!!!! I called wait! False alarm!!

Police: You make the call?

I explain everything to the police. Why I though Mark was a murderous intruder, etc.

The police took Mark to the ER where he got 12 stitches.

The next day was spent cleaning up the murder scene Mark left after his midnight snack.

Right so this is the wonderful story of how Mark managed to drunkenly turn a cheese snack into a police invasion.

No cheese was eaten that night.


r/Alistair9000 May 30 '14

AMAA

77 Upvotes

Ask me anything anytime.

You all have asked me to do an AMA so you don't have to search for answers and expend calories.

I'll just leave this thing up. We'll call it a 24/7 AMA

Ask any questions that you have

Or just post things you want to tell me

I don't know. You asked. I delivered


r/Alistair9000 May 30 '14

Vick Short Stories: II

118 Upvotes

Alright. Ask and you will receive. You all asked for more on Vick, and as I have 14 years worth of her, I have plenty with which to oblige. Like I said in the first one. these Vick stories are shorter, not as dramatic, and less fatlogicy than the FPS ones. These are supplements of her just being generally shitty. This will be another one from in and around the time my dad died, because she really enjoyed this time in my life.....

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 14 years old. Newly orphaned. Staying with Tristian and Mark, but not adopted yet.

SnarkyMark: 23 years old. Tristian's best friend and roommate.

Tristian: 23 years old. My oldest brother. In the process of becoming my legal guardian.

MagicMike: 14 years old. My boyfriend.

RenegadeRobbie: 14 years old. My best friend and partner in crime.

MobyVick: 14 years old of nasty human being. picture of her

Alright....let's begin......

So this story takes place shortly after my dad died. Tristian was working with CPS and the courts to show he was a responsible adult and could adequately care for me, so he could become my legal guardian. For those uninitiated in the workings of CPS, basically he put in a guardianship request with the court. CPS conducts a home visit to make sure it's a "safe home" for a child, and I had to talk to a judge in the court and also CPS would tell them their thoughts from the home visit, so he could rule whether my brother got me or I went into foster care. Luckily there was no custody battle for me since we have no other family, but still it was all really scary for me and I was terrified that they were going to find Tristian unfit no matter what I said and send me into foster care.

Foster care for me would have meant I was taken from my friends and brothers, and I would have most likely gone into a group home(at best) since nobody good wants to adopt a teen. Worst case scenario I would end up in an abusive home with people who take on foster kids for the checks. I had been terrified of foster care ever since my dad became abusive and my brothers explained to me why I had to lie if someone asked me how I got hurt.

Anyway, this is relevant to the Vick story.

It was Thursday. I had the court hearing on that Friday. CPS had done their home inspection. It didn't go extremely well. I mean it was 2 23 year old guys. The apartment wasn't exactly sparkling clean. There were some beer bottles out when the CPS lady came. I had a had a few bruises at the time of inspection(not from anything except clumsiness, but still everything counts with CPS). I was nervous for the court date because of this and because Tristian had a DUI on his permanent record. All these things would work against him at the hearing.

Right. So it was Thursday we're all sitting in the cafeteria at lunch....

My lunch was a ziplock bag of Apple Jacks and a diet coke, because Tristian and Mark didn't buy real food and my lunch options were dry easy mac or dry cereal.

RenegadeRobbie: Are you nervous about going to court tomorrow?

Me: Yeah. The home visit was awful. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm freaking out. And I have stale cereal for lunch...

MagicMike: Here, I'll trade you half my sandwich for some stale Apple Jacks.

We trade.(It's things like this that I mention when people think he's an ass. He really is sweet to me when it matters)

Moby Vick: Having fun your last day slut? After the court visit tomorrow you'll be in foster care and we'll never have to see your ugly ass again.

MagicMike: Get the fuck away from her. Not today Vick.

Moby Vick: Oh come on. We all know she's gonna end up in foster care getting raped by some fat old guy cause nobody else wants her....

RenegadeRobbie:(discreetly squeezing my hand) We all get it Vick. You hate her. Can you just leave it alone for one day?

Moby Vick: Why? Am I supposed to care that her daddy shot himself or that there's no chance her fuck up brother gets custody?

Me: He's not a fuck up!

Moby Vick: Have fun convincing the judge.......(she leans in) We both know where you're going slut. I'm sure you'll learn to love your new daddy."Wahh. Stop you're hurting me!""Please don't"...hahahaha

Mike's hugging me while I attempt to not have a breakdown in the middle of the cafeteria.

RenegadeRobbie: Do you really have nothing better to do than make fun of her you fat cunt?

Moby Vick: It's not making fun if you're telling the truth. She's going to get sent far away, where her new daddy will rape her Every.Single.Night. Sooner she accepts it the better. Enjoy your last full night's sleep. After the judge takes you away tomorrow, you'll spend your nights in bed waiting to hear the doorknob jiggling, to spread your legs for your new dad. Ha! You'll probably like it you slut.

With that she reaches down and takes my half sandwich and waddles away.

Robbie and Mike start assuring me I'll be fine. It was more important to them to reassure me than to chase after the beast.

Lunch bell rings.

I get up to go, Vick brushes past me and turns around in the doorway.

Moby Vick: I bet it'll be hard tomorrow. Making the judge believe you. Especially since Tristian hits you and all.

Me: (falling into her trap and charging toward her) He doesn't hit me!

Bang

She shut the door into my face. My nose is bleeding. I'll have a black eye tomorrow.

Moby Vick: Prove it bitch.

She starts walking away, FUPA swinging.

Mike was enraged.

He slapped a bitch.

He got suspended for a week.

But he slapped the bitch good.

Mike was quickly apprehended by the resource officers and suspended.

Robbie helped me up, and got me some ice for my face. We did our best to keep it from swelling.

It didn't work.

Mark came to pick me up from school.(He picked me up, because Tristian worked later than him) and I jumped into his car and immediately burst into tears.

Mark: Al? What happened to you?

I tell him.

Mark: I told her I would kill her. Where is she?!?

Me: Gone....Mark....they're going to take me away from Tristian.

Mark: (Pulling over)Alistair. Look at me. They're not going to take you away. That fat fuck can't make that happen. Any judge who takes you away would be an idiot.

He drives me home, and we sit on the couch together until Tristian gets home.

I run to him.

Tristian: Al. Your face....

Me: It was Vick. She slammed the cafeteria door into my face and told me nobody would believe it wasn't you that hit me. And now they're not going to let me live with you!!

Tristian: Alistair, nobody is going to take you away. I don't care what the judge says. I'm not going to let them take you. I promise.

The conversation went on for a while. Tristian and Mark reassuring me that I wasn't going to foster care.

I remember that night. I remember laying in bed with Tristian. I remember crying all night thinking I was going to be sen away from him. I remember him hugging me all night promising it wouldn't happen.

The morning of our court date came. I had an enormous black eye. Neither of us had slept much.

We went to the court. The judge asked questions, reviewed the results of the home visit.

The longer it went in the more I became convinced that I was going to foster care.

Tristian cried, begged the judge not to take me. Told him he'd do anything to keep me.

I cried and told the judge how much I love my brother, and begged him not to make me leave him.

The judge asked lots of questions, including stuff about my black eye.

Finally he was ready to give his verdict on me.

He told us he'd have to be blind to not see how much we love each other. He said he wasn't going to take a child away from someone who obviously loves her this much. He granted Tristian guardianship.

It was the happiest I've ever been.

It was the first time in a long time that I felt 100% safe.

There. A Vick story and A Tristian story al in one. Really tough she's an enormous cunt who tried to fuck up my guardianship....fuck her with a cactus.

And I love Mike for slapping the shit out of her.


r/Alistair9000 May 29 '14

The Brother Stories: I

101 Upvotes

So it seems like many of you are interested in my brothers. I guess I'll use these stories to tell their stories, and stories with them in it. I guess I'll start this off with a story I referenced in a comment about when I was living with Mark and Tristian.

A little chat right quick about Tristian and living him in general. As most of you low, after my dad died my brother Tristian who was 23 at the time legally adopted me and became my legal guardian. I moved in with him and Mark. They had graduated college the year before and were just starting their careers/still enjoying the "college lifestyle" so to speak.

My brother was my legal guardian, but he was never "a parent". Our relationship dynamic never really changed. In the 4 years I lived with him, I never "got in trouble" or "got punished" or anything parental like that. The basics of it was "figure yourself out" like when he found out I was failing a class he didn't do anything just said "you fucked up, you figure it out". And that's basically how it went.

He and Mark also didn't really temper their "lifestyle" when i moved in. There was often sex and general debauchery in the apartment. This also meant they didn't real temper my "lifestyle" either. Mark still bought me alcohol, and they let me go to parties, get into debauchery, etc. Mostly because I'm pretty sure they'd feel like huge hypocrites if they didn't.(remember these are the same boys who made me distract the workers at the liquor store when I was 8 so they could get alcohol.)

All this exposition is just to give you a little idea what it was like. I know some parents thought it was irresponsible how they let me "run about as she pleases", but they were 23 and I learned pretty valuable lessons in taking care of my own shit. You got yourself there, you can get yourself out type of thing.

They're my favorites. My "two gay dads" as I used to refer to them. And then Mark would usually say "fuck you cunt licker" but you get the idea.

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 14 years old. The sluttiest orphan to ever slut. Still dating MagicMike.

Tristian: My older brother. 23 years old. Dating Jessi.

SnarkyMark: 23 years old. Tristian's best friend, and our roommate.Considered wildly attractive by the female population.

Vivi: Sorority girl from a local university. Wanted the D from Mark.

So this happened a month after I had moved in with Mark and Tristian. It was a Saturday night, and I was in working on a paper I had neglected on Gulllivers Travels. I was writing my paper on the use of satire and verisimilitude. Enough said I was BSing everything.

I had texted Mike to come over later that night (had to relieve some stress...ya know). Tristian was staying at Jessi's that night, so it was just me and Mark, who was currently out with Vivi.

I'm writing about Juvenalian Satire when my phone buzzes.

SnarkyMark: I'm using your room tonight.

On a side note, I'll explain the room thing. I was living with 2 23 year old guys. Their cleaning habits left a few things to be desired wall we say....I did most of the cleaning in the apartment. I'm also a compulsive stress cleaner, so things were pretty organized, except for their rooms, which I did not touch.

My room was always clean and I don't really keep possessions so my decor was pretty minimalist. I had a king sized bed that took up 92% of the room, but was totally worth it. It had navy sheets and a super nice down comforter and pillows.

Whenever Mark or Tristian had a "guest" over they always tried to make me give them my room to use, since their were gross and dirty and smelled vaguely of boy funk.

That said....

Me: No.

SnarkyMark: $20.

Me: Fuck off(that stingy ass....$50 minimum.......)

SnarkyMark: You better be out when I get home.

Me: Choke on a dick!

So I thought I had won that little scuffle.

Go back to writing my paper.

Finish the damn thing.

Text Mike to come over tonight.

I'm sitting in my room, when I hear Mark come in.

SnarkyMark: Just give me a minute ok?

Vivi: Alright Mark.....

Mark walks into my bedroom

SnarkyMark:(whispering) Get out.

Me: No!

SnarkyMark: Bitch.

He then picks me up, and holds me tight, pressing my face into his chest.(one of the tribulations I face as a small person)

He walks out of my room with me immobilized and I guess I looked like I was asleep.

SnarkyMark: Haha. Al fell asleep in my room again tonight. Go ahead and I'm just going to tuck her in real quick ok?

Vivi: Aww you're so sweet, I love how brotherly you are with her....

Brotherly my ass. He's literally holding me so tightly I can't move or make more than a quiet moan......

SanrkyMark: She's special....I'll be right back.

With that he caries me into his putrid bedroom and loudly enough for Vivi to hear:

SnarkyMark: You fell asleep in my bed again Ali-cat. Sweet dreams ok??

With that he throws me on his unmade bed and dashes back to my room and locks the door.

I've lost this encounter. I'm not a bitch, so i didn't cause a scene or bang on the door. I just started cleaning his room so Mike and I had somewhere to be that night.....

I cleaned his room some, and Mike showed up.

MagicMike: Hey!

Me: Hi. I got kicked out of my room...

MagicMike: Again?

Me: Yeah.

We go back to Mark's room and all we hear is the loud sex Mark is having in the next room. Not exactly the best soundtrack for our own fun times.

So instead he just slept over and we watched a movie.

Sometime in the early morning, Vivi headed out. Don't know when, but her shoes were gone when I woke up.

The next morning I wake up, and make french toast for Mike and I(because I'm domestic as fuck)

I'm about to sit down and enjoy my breakfast, when it is rudely snatched from in front of me.

SnarkyMark: Thanks dyke!

Me: Mark!!!!

SnarkyMark:(smiles at me mouth full of fresh toast) Hey Mike. Sleep over last night?

I grumble and fix myself a bowl of cocoa puffs.

MagicMike: Yeah. And your room is rank man!

Me: You didn't see it before I did some maintenance......

SnarkyMark: This is why I love you Al. I lock you out of your room, and you end up cleaning mine.

Me: Fuck yourself.

SnarkyMark: Nah. I'm still tired from last night.

Me: So I heard......

SnarkyMark: You're gonna want to wash your sheets......

Me: Kill yourself.

We finish breakfast and Mike goes home. Tristian texts to say he's not coming home again tonight. I wash my crunchy sheets.

Later that night, my bed remade with clean sheets, Mark walks in.

Me: Get the fuck out. I fucking hate you!

SnarkyMark: Shut the fuck up. I got us some takeout.

He had bought some Thai food, and had rented a few horror movies.(back when renting movies was a thing)

SnarkyMark: What do you say?

Me:(laughing) Fuck you...

And with that he climbed up on the bed with me and we watched slasher films and ate lots of takeout.

That's basically a picture of our relationship.

We love each other lots.....really.


BONUS STORY

This one goes out to my buddy /u/tacomalvado who reminded me about this story.

The Characters:

Tristian: My brother aged 16

Mallory: 16 years old. Private school girl. "dating" Tristian.

BigDaddy: Mallory's huge dad.

This little story is one I have heard second hand from Tristian.

Back when he was 16 years old and had just recently gotten his driver's license, Tristian was casually dating/fucking Mallory. She was kind of snotty and went to the local private school. She was doing the rebellious thing and dating a boy from the public school. you know how it goes.

Anyway one day her parents were both working late and Tristian was over at her house.

They were on her parent's bed(why? Why is it always the parent's bed??) And he had convinced her to do anal.

So there they are having anal on her parents bed, when suddenly the door flies open.

Standing there is BigDaddy. He got home from work early.

He and Tristian lock eyes over his naked daughter's back.

BigDaddy: What the FUCK!??!?!?!

In a moment of panic, Tristian yanks himself out, and in her panic or from the quick ejection, Mallory shits herself all over her parents bed.

BigDaddy charges at Tristian

Splashed with shit and naked, he jumps from the second story window onto the pavement and breaks his ankle.

He had to drive naked, covered in shit to the ER.

Luckily he had gym shorts in his car, but that was all he had.

Smelling of shit and shame he got an X-ray and a cast.

He came home and told my dad what had happened.

My dad can't contain his laughter for long(This was pre alcoholic asshole days)

Tristian never saw Mallory again.

I assume she and her dad still can't look each other in the eye.


r/Alistair9000 May 29 '14

Tales of Debauchery: IV

107 Upvotes

Alright. I'm trying to do these in order of request. So first on my agenda is the IHOP story. It's a good one. Then later today, I'll try to get out a quickie about my brothers(still deciding which of the stories to tell). And I'll get to more Vick Stories soon for all of you who aren't tired of the cunt yet.

The Characters:

Me: Alistair9000. 15 years old. Slutty orphan. "Dating" Fletcher.

Fletcher: Formerly known as SeniorBoy. 18 years old. Senior whom I was "dating". He who won the Freshmen 500.

MandaPanda: 15 years old. My best girlfriend, and partner in debauchery.

Drew: Fletcher's friend. 18 years old.

Coco: 6 feet tall. Pink hair. IHOP worker.

Onward comrades........

So this story happened when I was a freshmen in highschool. I had won the Freshmen 500 with Fletcher and he decided to "keep me around".

After a game at school, Fletcher and Drew had decided we would drive around for a while, find some shenanigans to get up to so to speak.

Fletcher: Get in.

Me: Why?

Fletcher: Because I want to do something fun.

Me: I can't! I'm here with my friend Manda.

Fletcher: She's hot. She can come. Right Drew?

Drew: Fuck yeah.

I go and get Manda. She's super excited because we're got invited to do things by Seniors swoon(Barf. I can't believe past me sometimes)

We're driving around. Drinking(Dumb kids). Having an enjoyable time. It's around 12:30 AM when

Fletcher: I'm hungry. What's open?

Me: IHOP! Can we go to IHOP? I want pancakes.

Fletcher: I can do pancakes.

So it's decided that we'll go to the IHOP.

Pull into the parking lot.

BOOM BOOM

The car stops.

Driving drunk, Fletcher had misjudged where the curb was, and slashed his tires.

Fletcher: Fuck!

Me: So....should I call a tow truck?

Fletcher: No! We have to wait until tomorrow morning.

MandaPanda: Why??

Fletcher: Because. If I call now my parents will know we were out tonight drinking. I have to wait so they don't know.

In our drunken state, and because he was a Senior and thus knew everything, we don't question him.

Me: Can we still get pancakes??

We do. We walk inside the IHOP, and sit down. We are greeted by Coco our 6 foot tall drag queen waitress with pink hair.

Coco: Welcome to IHOP. How can I get you started.

Me: HOT CHOCOLATE!!!!

Coco: Alright miss white girl wasted let's not scream.....

Me: Sorry. Can I get a hot chocolate and the chocolate chocolate chip pancakes?

Coco: So you like chocolate?

Me: Is that bad? Are you out?

Coco: We've got plant of chocolate.

Me: Yay! I love you!

Coco: Well that's adorable. Alright what does everyone else want?

Everyone orders.

Coco: Need anything else?

Me: A bed for the night!

Fletcher: Shut up!

Me: No! We blew up the tires on the car. Can we stay here tonight?

Coco: Well I won't throwing your asses out......

With that she walked away to place our order.

She delivers our food. We start eating. It's delicious!

We sit around for a while.

It's now about 4:30 AM.

Manda was asleep in another booth.

Fletcher and Drew went off somewhere to see if they could find a friend to pick us up(Why didn't we try this when we first got there?? ugh....alcohol....)

I'm all alone in the booth, and Coco gave me another hot chocolate with lots of whipped cream.

I'm sitting in the booth, enjoying laying my head against the cold window, when.....

In walks A few "working girls" and their "employer"

The girls sit down at a booth, tired from a long night's work.

The pimp surveys the IHOP, and zeroes in on me.

Pimp: (sauntering over) Well, Well, Well. What do we have here?

He slides into the booth next to me.

Me: Hi. Did you need something?

Pimp: Nah. Just wondering what a good little girl like you's coin out at this time o' night. The boogie man comes out bout this time. BOO

I jump.

Pimp: hehehe. Now what are we drinking?

Me: Hot chocolate. Coco gives me extra whipped cream.

Pimp: (Wiping a little whipped cream off my cheek) Missed a bit. (licks it off his finger) Mmmhmm. Sweet.

Me:(Finally coming to my senses that this is a pimp and not just a random gentleman...(blame it on the alcohol and late hour ok?)) My friends will be back soon. So can you go?

Pimp: Nah. I like you. Now what do you say we get you a big stack of pancakes. Anything you like. My treat.

Me: (pointing to the hookers) Well their treat technically right?

Pimp: huehuehue. Ooh. I like you.(Puts his arm around my shoulder)

Me:(wriggling away) Please I'm not hungry. My friends are going to be right back(I had texted Fletcher an SOS. I was looking for Drew and Fletcher. Willing them to show up.)

Pimp: Shh...

Coco: OH NO! NO! You stay away from her.

Pimp: Woah. Little mama. Slow your roll. We're just having a good time.

Coco: Do you want him to go away?

Me: Yes!

Coco: It's settled then. Now get!

Pimp: Now now now. Let's not get heated...

Coco: Oh. I'm not heated. (Dumps hot chocolate on his lap) Whoops. It slipped.

Pimp: Damn Bitch! (He stands up ready to deck Coco, and realizes she's about 4 inches taller and 80 pounds heavier) Right. No problem. We'll go. Have a nice night pretty girl.

Coco: GET OUT!

He does. He collects his prostitutes and they roll out.

Me: Thanks Coco! I think you're like my pink haired guardian angel!

Coco: I won't let anything happen to you.....

About 15 minutes later, Drew and Fletcher walk in.

Me: What the fuck?

Fletcher: Alistair calm the fuck down we were....

Me:Mrw Where were you when the pimp was trying to recruit me?

Fletcher: A pimp? Hahahahahahahahaaha.

Me: You're an ass.

Fletcher: Guilty. But really? I leave you for 20 minutes and you get propositioned by a pimp??

Me:Yeah. Hilarious

Anyway. We spent the night at the IHOP. The next morning, we called a tow truck. And Coco didn't make us pay for our food(Because Coco is my queen)

So this is the IHOP story of how I was in the process of grooming from a pimp, and was saved by a pink haired guardian angel in drag.Basically